The Serpentine Road

I was sitting here in my library paying my bills, sorting through the huge mass of paperwork that seems to accumulate here. Sarah likes it when I call the study the library which, in fact, is just another bedroom.

I despise paying bills. Not because I don't have the money to pay them. God has blessed me with enough funds to pay the people I owe and still have a few dollars left to eat on. I'm truly thankful for that blessing. But I hate money in general and I hate shuffling it around.

During my attempt to sort it all out and clear off the desk, I ran across photos of people I love and people who love me. That's a nice thing to find after you've been handling bills. Their faces smile up at me and I feel lighter. But homesick. I ran across photos from the luncheon the church gave after the funeral and I am surrounded by my brothers and sisters and children and aunt and uncle. But Jerry isn't there. They are beautiful photos of everything in my life that is important save one. So, sadness follows.

Sadness is a constant companion but one who doesn't nag me to cheer up, get over it, etc. I can function with sadness. The Ativan has helped with the impending doom feeling that had begun to follow me after every simple life event, every shock, every frustration. I haven't taken St. John's Wort in nearly two weeks and don't feel the need. So, not depression... anxiety = constant stress of simply living.

Throughout the last two years I've been learning how to tread water. It gets very tiring at times but one keeps doing it because to stop means to drown. Life under normal conditions is trying. I do not live under normal conditions.

I think that most of the time life feels like a serpentine road that is filled with more twist and turns than you could ever imagine when you start the journey. At twelve I dreamed of a home and family and children and for a little while I had what I dreamed of and I think we were happy. I did not dream of this day. I started the journey along that road with a chimera.

The dream became a nightmare. I tried to wake him from a nightmare that night. Instead of waking him, I was pulled into it. I've never shared a nightmare before. I never want to again.

The road ended at a cliff and I fell off into a vast ocean and had to learn to swim. I hope that the beach I find myself on is not a desert island and that there is a bridge to the mainland that will connect me with something other than the nightmare.

I'm not dreaming anymore. I am not looking forward. I'm trying not to look back. I am simply looking at the moment I am in and hoping that around the next curve the road will not fall away and drop me into another ocean.

Here Comes the Sun

For Cheryl... they say it is always there somewhere.

From on of my favorite Beatles

The Payout

I just got a call from Matt @ GEICO and they will pay all my car off
but my $500 deductible. So, I'll break even I think... well, not
exactly. I have to pay the $500 AND then find a way to buy another
car. I have about twice my deductible in savings. I was saving that
for a plane ticket. I should get my deductible back from the other
insurance company but they said it could take months.

So, now I'm rethinking how to take my trip. I AM GOING TO DO THIS! I
may have to take it later in the year, possible as late as fall. I'm a
bit disappointed but I'm not giving up my plans entirely. First I plan
to get a vehicle with a lower payment, as low as possible. I'd like to
pay half of what I'm paying now. I would then have money to put aside
for the trip. By my calculations by the middle or late summer I'd have
the money for the ticket. In addition, a cheaper car payment! So, that
is one scenario

I'm praying for a really good car deal. Everyone of you pray for me in
this and if you don't pray, well, do whatever you do! By next weekend
I hope to be on my way to finding a new vehicle. I did like my little
Ford Focus.

The hooker party last night was a success. At least I had a good time.
Kathy and Cassie did very well. Kathy caught on fast but she knew how
to chain pretty well. Cassie had more difficulty but by the end of the
evening I could see a great improvement. Loraine is a better teacher
than I am. I'm a lefty and teaching a righty to crochet seems to be a
bit confusing. For me, it is like looking in a mirror but apparently
rightys can't do that.

Food was good and we spent a lot of time laughing. These girls are
very funny. Doug heard and said next time he might join us but he'd
bring a different craft.

I do not know why I am so very exhausted when I get home. I am
wondering if it is my BP med. I take this med in the morning too but
don't recall feeling that tired. It is an unreal exhaustion. I don't
take my Ativan until 9 p.m. so I know it isn't that.

I have to get to work. I've been back and forth to this post for over
an hour. They are testing the fire alarms here now and it is very
annoying! One of them is right outside my door. I keep jumping every
few minutes when it sounds.

Sorry I've been erratic in posting lately but I've been too tired at
night to bother with anything. I hope to catch you all later.

Unphotographable: Burqa Discount Bin Conditioner

Link
Very cool site. Lots of ideas here.

A Small Experiment

This is Thursday. You all know I got a new medication, Ativan, on my
last doctor's visit. I started taking it over the weekend. It stopped
the anxiety I was feeling. I only take it at night, despite his
prescribing it twice a day. I have to work and it won't allow me to do
that. However, I did not take it on Monday night. I had to see, of
course, if and how well it was working. One looses one's perspective
when you are this far on the bottom. There are no windows in a well,
just a skylight. So, I elected to not take it .

I was fine on Tuesday and even Tuesday night. I was a little stressed
because the news of Jerry's cousin's husband dying but I was aware it
upset me talking to her. Had it been anyone else I might have fared a
little bit better but there is an emotional component with Deirdre
because I've always loved her and I felt her pain so badly. She had
such a rotten childhood and was pregnant at 16. She later found a man
who was good to her and they have a son, too. But she has terrible
health now. Her husband sat down on the bed and simply fell over dead.
He'd complained of chest pain for two days! {sigh} I don't know. Men.
She has no money except disability, no home, no place to go. Her son
is in the military. Their son is at home with her. It can be much
worse ladies than I have it. I did not ask her about funeral expenses
or anything else.

Wednesday I was o.k. but feeling a bit pressured in the afternoon. Not
unduly I didn't think. But when I got home, I didn't feel well and I
wandered around. Sarah came over for about two hours. While I enjoyed
seeing her I still felt bad and when she left I was barely able to
move. For days I've found myself absolutely exhausted to the point I
could hardly walk by eight p.m. I mean falling over, unable to keep my
eyes open and head up exhaustion. I have been so tired it was
frightening. Last night I sat on the edge of my bed and contemplated
that pill. AI was concerned at how tied I was. I did not want to take
it but I was at a point I knew it was going to be a bad night. I
finally took it and turned out the light. I had to call Becca and have
her talk to me for about half an hour so my mind would stop circling.
I think I went to sleep as soon as she hung up.

They also changed my blood pressure dosage. I'm taking an extra pill
when I get home. Then, my regular dose a 9 p.m. My bp at 10 p.m. last
night was 118 over 77! I haven't been that low in decades. This
morning it was 128 over 88. Again, almost normal but low for me.

So, now wondering if the exhaustion is the increased BP meds. If so,
I'm not sure how to handle that. It doesn't do that to me in the
morning so I'm thinking not. Anyway, I'm recording these events so
I'll have a record for the doctor.

I feel fine this morning, a bit tired but fine. I could take a nap if
offered one.

The insurance adjuster called me yesterday. He said he'll see the car
in 3 to 5 days and get back with me as soon as possible. Geico is "da
bomb". They have been super nice and on top of this from the
beginning. I am duly impressed and I don't impress easily. Everyone,
every call they are courteous and answer questions without acting like
they are doing you a favor.

Now, back to the mines. I'd like to have a clean desk by 5 p.m. ....
if I don't fall asleep.

Accident Report

I got the accident report this morning and spoke with the other
insurance. I've faxed it to both companies. If I don't hear something
by noon, I'm probably going to tell my company to go ahead. I need a
car. My company was willing to go ahead and pay even without the
report. But I really feel her company should pay out.

Anyway, maybe by Thursday I will know if they total the car.

Oh... The other driver was at fault. She admitted it to the officer!
Well, she is only 23.

Back Into the Breach....Whatever

I'm waiting for my ride to work. I still have not heard from the other insurance. If I don't hear today the I will have to go through my insurance and pay whatever deductibles I can scrape up. I will have to hope that my insurance can recover the funds from the other insurance. I will have to pay for the trip to the er for Mike.

I will once again wipe put my savings,Story of my life.

Well, I might have a rental car by Thursday at any rate.

Sun is shining brightly today. At least, for now. I don't know for how long.It says it is 28 degrees out there. Actually, it looks cold from the windows.

It is now 7:20 and I've been waiting for Dave for over 10 minutes. That's the thing about Dave. He drags around. I will have a car by Thursday. My co-worker called five minutes and offered to pick me up but I paid Dave to do it and I need him to get the police report for me. I don't want to miss any more work and he knows where to go.

I'm off now to get my gear together and stand at the door.

A Sunday Wreck

The whole day pretty much was a wreck. If you have seen the album you know my car was involved in an accident today. I asked Mike to go and get some groceries for me because I was not feeling well. My hands and knees were hurting and I simply didn't think I could walk the concrete floors at Wal-mart. I should not have sent him out. Or at the least, I should not have delayed him. I held him up about 15 minutes.

Anyway, the other driver in the opposite lane turned in front of him and he hit her. My car is far worse than her's. My insurance will pay but I'm going to try and have her's pay. I have GAP insurance as well and I hope it will pay. I need to go find all the paperwork for the car. I know it is here somewhere.

Tomorrow I have to go to the body shop and see if they total the car. Honestly, I hope so because the damage is extensive. I don't see how repairing it will insure it runs right. The frame is shoved into the radiator and that alone concerns me. A new radiator, new side panels, new hood, new front end.

I'm upset because I just spent a fortune on tires less than a year ago. I bought a new battery just before that. I won't recover those items. Another car... I don't know if I can afford a newer car now. Before, well, I don't know.

I am gong to bed I think. I am tired and simply want to lie down. I did remember to eat this afternoon. I hope everyone had a better day than I did.

Writers' Asylum Therapy

The meeting went well tonight and we had a great time, I think. Kathy was up for critique with five pages from her next Tansy Taylor novel. Kathy's psychic PI is very entertaining. Everyone gave her their impressions and hopefully it will give her some fuel to keep her going.

We had decided on 5 pages but it seems it isn't really enough for a good critique so we've raised the bar and Doug is on for the next meeting in two weeks with a 10 page target. He doesn't think he'll reach that will take a shot. I am after him. He's working already on his and I have NO idea.

Kathy asked me to teach her to crochet and so next Thursday will be the Asylum Crochet Circle meeting. I will attempt to give Kathy and Cassie lessons in crochet with, I hope, Loraine as a back up... she already knows how.. I wonder if she's better than me. I might learn some things, too!

We had muffins from Donut Bank and Kathy brought cookies.

Cassie shared some things she had learned from a workshop she attended. And we spent time just talking about some random issues.. my hear fall from a mountain, Kathy's customer stranded at the poultry farm, Cassie's BFF story she submitted to class, Loraine's continued search for the perfect house. You all know, the usual stuff. After my last two weeks it was the sanest I've been.

Now off to bed. Tomorrow is Friday and I hope the day will be a good one. At least tonight was relaxing and I have next Thursday to look forward to.

One problem is the pain in my hand is much worse today. My left index, well, actually, the knuckle joint where the finger goes into the hand on the palm side. I can't stand to touch it. And my left elbow is still giving me a lot of trouble. I can't put my elbow down on anything. Feels as if a hammer hit them both.

It has rained all day and night so far. I expect it to rain tomorrow, too. I don't really mind the rain except for the impact it has on my body. Might as well drop a lead block on me.

I'm on my way to bed now. At least it was a nice end to a long week. I hope the weekend turns a bit warmer.

Do You Know What Day It Is?

Thursday! Writer's Meeting tonight at 6:30. I am so glad. I don't
remember wanting to have any meeting as bad as I do this one tonight.
It has been such a stressful couple of weeks. I will be with friends
and we'll have a nice long chat and I can forget the negatives for a
while.

I went to the doctor today. He is increasing one of my BP meds. He is
putting me on ativan for six weeks. I took this when Jerry died. It
was very good medicine for the time. I do not know how it will help
now. He said it wasn't addictive. The website says "habit forming".
Isn't that addictive? Someone told me it was back then, I want to say
the counselor. They put me on Xanax after that and I only took it
about two months. I do not anticipate taking it often or for an
extended period. Why, if I feel better do I need to take it.

I am to taper off the hormone patch. He wanted me to switch to pills
but I don't like taking one more pill that may upset my stomach. So,
I'll keep tapering... expect mood swings... maybe that's what's been
happening. Decrease in hormones can cause depression. He thinks they
may be what caused to problem with my breast. Well, lets face it, they
keep the breast fairly dense... firm.. youthful? LOL, whatever, I
don't have a beard or baritone yet.

At any rate, the BP is a priority right now. It concerns me more than anything.

Ok, I'm going now and try and work. I have several things that need to
be done before I leave. I got her at 7:30 this morning and will have
to in the morning as well. Won't have to count that doctor's appt that
way. It was a short appt. I will let you know how the meeting goes
later.

Lazy Day

I did not go to work today. I had to do blood work this morning at the hospital for my Thursday doctor appointment. I woke with a back ache and simply felt I could not face work today. I came home and lay on my sofa, on my back with my electric throw over me all morning until lunch. After I ate lunch, I went back and sat with my throw. I read all day and did nothing else.

I did finish Sarah's sweater late, around 4:30 or 5, just cleaning up the loose ends. Dave, Becca and Sarah came over around 6:30 and Sarah tried it on. It fit perfectly! Really. It fit with no sags, bags, or wrinkles - as if it was made for her. I was amazed. I did not do sleeves. I'll try that on the next go around. But she happened to have white, long-sleeved, turtle neck pull-over on and we put the sweater on her and it was absolutely perfect. I could have done sleeves but I didn't want to waste the time if it didn't fit. Becca decided to take it sans sleeves. Now, I can do another one and try some different things. I'm so pleased about it.

I am having a difficult time at the moment. It seems as if my life is in turmoil.. even though in retrospect, it is rather calm. I am feeling pressure from somewhere virtually all the time. I think I'm simply burned out in some areas. I can't fix those areas so it simply builds. I don't want to leave my house, frankly. I just want to stay home and do the things I love doing. I've started crochet again, I want to sew again, I'd like to write more - even though that is coming hard. I don't want to deal with crazy people anymore.

What I really feel is as if something is about to happen and I'm waiting for it. That's what it feels like. I've been here before. I don't like it when this feeling comes. I'd just as soon be surprised as everyone else when it does.

I'm going to get my shower, take my meds, watch my show, and then go to bed. Sleep is the only place I seem to find some peace. I pray for it every night. It seems to be the one prayer I get immediate results on. Thank God.

Sunday Night Wrap-Up

I am not alone. Sarah and I went to church and she asked to come home
with me. I have to take her home tomorrow by noon so I can keep my
appointment. She's playing now while I am messing around online. She
has cooked for the puppies and played with Play-doh. We'll go to bed
soon. I'm tired but want to stay up and do something.

I worked on the sweater all afternoon. I now have the sides joined and
am ready to try and put the collar on. I tell you, each piece I do is
a bit of a challenge. I've never done one before and I'm sort of
guessing as I go. The instructions are good to start and give you some
guidance as you go but it is very superficial. It isn't, after all, a
pattern. I chose to skip some advice and work some things differently
because of that pretty collar I made. LOL, I'm learning the basics.
When I want to do a fancy one, I'll go back and do the math. I've used
a t-shirt as my pattern to determine rough size.

The day was very nice. I sat on the porch for about an hour and
finally came in. I decided I need to get a glider rather than the
table. I need a place to read. It is too hard to read the computer
screen. I'm going to order my Kindle this week, I think. I really
think I'll like having a smaller, lighter "book" to read. My neck and
shoulders get very sore sometimes holding books and things. I so miss
being able to read in bed. I loved it.

O.k. enough of this. I am just sleepy. I'm going to tackle HRH and see
if I can cajole her to go to bed. If not, Daddy will be called to come
get her.

A Gray Sunday Morning

Absolutely gray with a light wind. I am ready for church and thought
I'd look at my mail and they decided to update the blogs. Problem is
there are no events to relate. I went to bed last night exhausted and
had not trouble going right to sleep. The previous terrible week has
taken it out of me and I'm still recovering. Tomorrow will be
stressful as well because I have some medial appointments.

I am off tomorrow, too and am hoping that I can get more than
appointment done. I hate blood work but if I go early that won't take
long. I have a mammogram in the afternoon. That is unknown. So, could
be a couple of hours. Last time was and in the end they had to do an
MRI. I elected this time to go to the hospital breast center rather
than my clinic center. They took four x-rays and an ultrasound
because there was "something they couldn't make out". Scared me to
death. After the ultra sound I was scheduled to come back in 6 months.
Next day they called and said, "We think you should get an MRI." I
was so upset! The MRI cleared me but it did not spare me an emotional
trauma. So, I won't use that clinic again.

I'm on my way out now. Mike is ready and I have my sister to pick up
today. I'll probably be around this afternoon but not sure. I am
trying to get that sweater finished so I can start something else. I
found a beautiful shrug pattern I want to try. Probably a much quicker
project than a patternless sweater.

Late Night with Dixie

My day did not turn out as I'd planned. I had to take Mike lunch and after that, I went to lunch with Dave, Becca and Sarah. We all came back to my house. I've don't nothing but watch movies. I'm going to bed soon so I can get up for church tomorrow. I am really tired tonight and hope I can relax tomorrow afternoon.

I bought a small portable computer table for the laptop. I thought it would help me have less neck and shoulder pain. I don't know yet. I had to put the thing together myself and that took the better part of a couple of hours after noon before I met my kids for lunch. Painful sitting on the floor. Knees, hips, leg, neck and shoulders did not like the arrangement. Still I got it done. I'll have to take a photo. It is a cheap little gadget but the frame is fairly sturdy. So, if the top wears out I can put a better top on the stand.

I'm going to bed. Right now. I'm suddenly very tired.

Eating Healthy

My supper tonight consisted of a protein, a grain, and fruit.

A peanut butter and plum jelly sandwich. With a glass of milk.

Isn't that healthy?

Shifting Sands

I can remember walking dunes somewhere once, not sure where or when -- maybe I dreamt it. I was probably small and the dune probably wasn't very big in relation to that. Seems like a mountain in my memory. But I can remember the sand sliding from beneath my feet as I attempted to climb up to the top of this mound. It was difficult. You go forward a step and slid back two. As a child you keep trying because achieving the top is exciting and fulfilling. You laugh and struggle and claw and climb until you stand atop the mound and throw both hands in the air and if you have companions, you all cheer. If not, you cheer alone. Because you made it.

I can remember the mountains of S. Germany, Bavaria. So beautiful. Easier in some ways to climb than the dunes of childhood. The next day my legs screamed in agony because of my efforts to see a castle at the top of the mountain and the walk down through beautiful woodlands flooded with sunshine. The memory of nearly falling off a cliff still clings to me. I remember the water flowing from a wooden pipe. I had a metal collapsible cup and I held it under the flow and before it ever reached my lips condensation had covered the cup. It was icy cold and delicious. The reward for reaching the top. I drank it standing looking out over the valley. I sighed.

Other mountains? A miscarriage. A child born with disabilities. A near miss divorce. Lost jobs resulting in financial disasters. A husband no longer able to keep a job. A husband dying before your eyes. Pain that never stops. Children that do not prosper. Personal failures that seem never ending. Fear of going to sleep. Fear of going to work. Fear of the next disaster that hasn't even happened.

Sand slipping from beneath my feet, unstoppable. I'm too tired to climb anymore. Reaching the top is not an option. Staying on my feet would be a victory.

Where is my faith you ask? I do not know. I am listening but the noise from it all is overwhelming. I'm ashamed that I've failed.

I long for simple sand dunes with shifting sands to conquer.

Rubber Band Rule

Wednesday at last. I did not believe I'd arrive. Not in one piece. Not sane. I went to bed around 10 and watched a movie there. I don't remember what it was.. oh, Castle. It was Castle.

I'm alone again for lunch today. I could call Mike but sometimes Mike isn't helpful in the company department. I adore him but today it wouldn't be a good idea. Maybe it is better if I just go home for a while.

I have to go to the doctor and I have to have a mammogram. There is a problem. Maybe not a big problem but I have to have it checked. I don't know.

There is a rule, maybe I made it up, called the Rubber Band Rule. You can stretch a rubber band a lot and a long way. But there is a limit to it's flexibility and stability. We're all subject to this rule. It is the point beyond which no one should have to go. I'm there. I'm stretched as far as I can go. I do not feel that I can bounce back, bend, or remain in one piece. I've already begun to fracture physically. Mentally, I"m not sure where I am but it doesn't seem like a good place. Emotionally I'm pretty much broken. I can't bounce back.

This has taken all day to write. I do have to work in between.

I emailed Doug about 10:30 and asked if he could free for lunch because I was bored. He said he had already eaten but wanted to get out of the office. So we met at Penn Station. I ate and he talked, to me, at me and about his writing and the need to find a new job. By the time I left I was not collapsing from the weight of my own problems. I felt bad using time he could have used elsewhere for his personal use. He was nice and said he had wanted to get out of the building anyway.  I don't know. I just know I needed a relatively sane person to ground me for an hour. I've managed to get through the rest of the day.

I do not know what I would have done these last two years without the friends I've made through NaNo and the writing group. I know for sure there would have been days I would not have made it. The same goes for the friends on Multiply. Some days you were all that kept me from imploding.

Another Night With No Count

Sarah just left, half asleep. I got her after work. I was exhausted but she wanted to come. I couldn't say no. We had a milkshake. Probably bad for both of us. But we did eat real food afterward. She had her ham sandwich as usual. I fixed me a burger. We read the card that came with Jilly's gift and when I told her their names she giggled and hugged them and kissed them. She is such a sweet child.

We, or rather I watched Spiderman. She played with her doll house until she grew tied and lay down on the sofa to take a nap. Slept thorough about 45 minutes of it. Then daddy came and got her.

I am going to bed. It is only 9 p.m. but this overwhelming tiredness is not to be borne. My neck and shoulders hurt anyway and my hands have been quite painful all day. I've been on the computer entering data for 8 hrs so that has not helped. Nevertheless, I'm tired. I've already taken my meds so they'll be working by now. Maybe I can sleep a full 8 hrs. That would be very lovely. Long as I don't wake up stiff with a headache I would not mind that. I'd give nearly anything to be able to sleep with out pain, to dream good dreams, and to wake up feeling as if I had my brain. I do not remember when I did that last, any of it.

Tomorrow is Wednesday and that means the downhill side of work. I am not sure I'll make it. It feels as if I'm not going to get through a day. I sometimes think my nails should be ripped and torn from trying to hang on until 5. At least, I get a three day weekend on this weekend. Monday is MLK day and we get that off. I suppose that would be a good time to clean the place up. It is really looking bad. I've no ability to think things through and it is very frustrating.

Bed. Right. Bed. Sorry. Good night.

Midday Madness

I'm home at the moment for lunch. Carolyn is out today and tomorrow and I really didn't feel like going anywhere to eat.

I've been going full tilt since I got to work. I started processing files and didn't stop for anything. I have a dozen to go and won't finish them today. But I'll do them as fast as I can without stopping. It is the only way to get them done and to not think about time passing.

My friend, Doug, dropped me a "cheer up, shape up, finish the book and quit the job" email. Loraine sent sunshine. Everyone here has sent something. I wish it were as simple as that. Life is much too complicated.

Thank you all for the water tips. My filter at home is an under the sink, connected to the waterline. I could fill a thermos but I do get cold water from a dispenser at work. They buy bottled water. I don't like the over the counter bottled waters. They taste funny to me. I drink them only when I have no other source of water. I do probably need a thermos and they sell Stanley stainless steel ones.

Mike sold plasma today and will get my car washed and cleaned out today. He's down the hall at the moment chatting up some woman.

I have to get ready to go back to work so I'm gone.

The Sun Is Not Shining

I was awakened at 7:45 by the phone. My clock had gone off but I'd hit the snooze. It was my DIL's house calling. I got up and am waiting until the train leaves for work. Well, until my car does.

I went to bed about 10 something last night. I don't remember much after that. I didn't wake in the middle of the night that I know. Hands are pretty painful today. Neck hurts and knees are mildly painful.

BP was up when I got up. I don't know. I'm supposed to be monitoring it regularly and I forget but I am going to call them today and see what I should do. The dizzy spell bothered me, particularly as it took several minutes to really clear off. I think... I think the fluid pill may be dehydrating me too much. Is that possible? I have to stop drinking sodas that's for sure but the water here is just awful. We have a water dispenser at work but I like water cold and the ice in our fridge is made with tap water... which taste awful. Remember, I have a water filter here at home so my water is much better than other locals.

Am I still depressed. I'm trying not to think about it. I'll shove myself through the day and hope I come out the other side ok. Yes, I'm taking all the same stuff.

A look out the window reveals an overcast sky and it sounds as if there is wind. I suppose it is too much to hope for sun all day today. I think the temps are supposed to reach near 60 today. A veritable heat wave in store for the states!

I'm off here for work. I must stop and find something to eat, although I'm not really hungry. I may just take a granola bar and make do with that. It's enough.

Someone send prayers.

Having a Ball, Wish You Were Here

The dog is barking across the way. I can hear him, even with all the windows closed. I suppose they are leaving him out now. I've heard him several times recently. The house is quiet and dark. I had toast to eat and then a cinnamon bun Mike got Sunday. I've had it wrapped in plastic for him but I decided to eat it. He won't mind.

I do not want to do anything but go to bed. The only thing that stopped me was the thought of waking up at 3 a.m. unable to sleep. I'd never get through the day if that happened.

About 3:30 p.m. I went for a soda. Came back to work and had a horrible dizzy spell as I was hanging up my coat. Had to lean against the wall. Took a bit of time to pass off and then I felt bad. Can't explain it. Just bad. When I got home about an hour later I checked my bp and it was 154/98. I know it is high. I take meds. An hour later it was down to 149/84. Not enough.

I'm badly depressed tonight. I was yesterday as well. The sun is shinning somewhere but not here, not for me. And I do not have a way to fix this. I'm beyond the point where I think there is a way to fix it. I do not enjoy my life this way. I do not look forward. I do not look up. I see only the path right at my feet. It is a yawning chasm. Carolyn thinks my vacation will cheer me up.

It isn't one day. It is every day. Smiling, laughing, talking, going through motions that are meaningless and so very exhausting. I come home so very tired now. Never rested, never refreshed. I can hold out for about 2 hours before I need to lie down. Only you can't lie down in an office where there are no closed doors allowed. So you push past it, stay in motion. You don't stop until you get inside your house and then you sit down. And you can't get up again. You can't do dishes, sweep, make the bed, pay the bills, do your taxes, or remember what pills you took.

There is no one to come home to to listen the day I had or fix my supper or curl up next to and feel wanted, needed, and loved. I can't fix it and neither can anyone else. I feel lucky if I wake up and can hobble to the bathroom. I'm freaking 53 years old, not 93. I can't move most days without hurting. I can't read, sew, crochet, or do puzzles without agonizing pain the next day in my neck. Today my hands are hurting. My knees hurt. I can't put my elbow on a table because it feels as if there is a broken bone in there. There isn't. Tomorrow, something else will hurt. I will get up and if I'm very lucky, I can actually walk upright to the bathroom. I... am. . . tired.

I took a nap yesterday and I was dreaming of Mama. My leg hurt and I was telling her where it hurt. She was trying rub it for me. I woke up. My leg hurt. Mama wasn't there. No one was. There was nothing I could do except get out of bed and walk. I was still tired. My leg still hurt.

I'd like to think there is a silver lining, a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. I'd like to think there was even a rainbow. Not today.

Yes, this is depression. It is a lot of things. Depression, frustration, exhaustion, aggravation, indignation, agitation all rolled into one big ball. I'm having a ball.

Black Monday

Off to work in a second. Sun is brilliant if the glaring white curtains are any indicator. My mood is dark and I do not want to leave my house. I have no choice.

I'll be out of touch all day. Unless I come home at lunch.

By now you've all seen the videos of Sarah's special mail. I overlooked a card in the package. Sarah had eyes only for the monkeys and the envelop was put on the table. Since it is a heart shaped card and today is Valentine's day, it will be perfect to give it to her and read it. Thank you Jilly, from both of us.

One, Two, Three...

And so on. I've been crocheting on the sweater. Not sure where it is going but I'm going to keep it up. The first one is the tricky one. After that I'll work out where the bugs are. Actually, I'm quite pleased with the way the collar turned out and now my brain is working on getting the body made and attached to the collar with the sleeves to follow. One step at a time.

I have not written in a couple of days but I'm headed for a shower now and plan on doing some afterward. Sarah has been here for several hours but she is not feeling well and will probably not spend the night. I'm o.k. with it because I'm really a bit under the weather myself. I think I'm getting that cold that they have been passing along at work. It's pretty bad. Everyone had to get Z-paks for it. I don't want it. I'm going to try and get some much needed rest and head it off. I hope.

And for the moment, that's pretty much all my news.

Sarah opened her princess mail and was tickled. I did get it on video and will have it up a bit later. I don't' want to give away the surprise.

I never did go over the writer's meeting. I'll give you the summary I sent out to the non-attendees.

Greetings Inmates:
Those inmates in attendance know what happened but this is to share a bit with those unable to join in.

The revival meeting of the Writer's Asylum went splendidly... in my personal view. It was wonderful to see friends, old and new. The remodeled appearance confused some old timers. Cassie thought she was lost. I think Kathy may have as well but she covered it well. Cassie on the other had a deer in the headlight look when I opened the door. I forgot none of you have been around since the building project happened.

Once the greetings were done, we started off by reading part of Chapter One of something Loraine is working on. She admitted she was nervous but she handled it well. She also chose well for her first critique. Although it was a short piece, as we planned in advance, it worked in her favor...leaving us wanting to read more.... always a good sign. She did good.

Doug shared his opening to a short story he is working on. A good opening as well. He had us standing over a bleeding corpse with bated breath wondering who was next.... well, I was....

I shared my "300 Words a Night" challenge. Apparently it was funny because everyone was laughing. I will be looking a bit more closely at it. Doug feels it will come in useful somewhere.

Cassie shared the results of the challenge she issued at Panera bread last month, also causing laughter over the antics of her inebriated duo.

We discussed a variety of writing issues and ideas to keeps us writing.

Next meeting is on the 24th of Feb. at 6:30 p.m. I've already set up the calender and you will get a reminder a week before and probably a day before. You can view the calendar if you need to get a list of dates and times. Just let everyone know if you have a problem. Remember to send out your submission the week before so we can pour over it. Kathy is up for critique next.

I know the email is boring but the meeting was a lot of fun. And as usual, you all left me with lots of ideas! And a bunch of warm fuzzies to keep me company.

Critique Schedule
Kathy
Doug
Cindy
Cassie

And there you have it. I'm due for that hot shower now. Everyone have a lovely night. The sun shone today but I stayed in all day. I'm really rather tired and hope tonight will be one where I get plenty of sleeps. Watch for the video of Sarah opening her mail.

End of the Week from The Banks of the Styx

It is over! Finally over and gone. I don't have to go back aboard until Monday. I can wander around on the peaceful shores of Elysian Fields and relax.

I liked mythology, both Greek and Roman, when I was a child.... what can I say.

I'm tired. I'm going to shower and then write. Maybe I'll be back. Not sure.

A Quick Good Morning

I'm about to head out to pick Mike up and head for work. He is supposed to sell plasma today. I have a Landlord's meeting this afternoon. I haven't done one in a year I think! Actually since Oct of 2009 because of the software conversion and assorted problems with work.

Then at 6:30 I have a writer's meeting. By 8:30 I'll be falling down. So, this may be the only post I get today. I hope you all have a really great day and that the sun shines wherever you are. It is shining here but not sure how long. It snowed all day yesterday so I'm grateful, even it is is a freezing cold 8 degrees!

Stay warm!

Oh, at the moment, pain is low! I didn't take a Tylenol last night because I wanted to see if things have calmed down. The shoulder was better and I think putting that cart under my desk for my keyboard has helped.

Ok, more later! Got to dash!

Midday Musings

The sun is out... yes, it is. I see it through my window. I even see some blue sky up there. I wish I could go home and open the curtains. I also see a few snow flakes! Not sure what that is about.

I put my keyboard on the rack I found last week. I still don't have a board cut but the keyboard tray with the wrist rest is longer than my rack and so it is working for now. Still need the board and I'll get to it but it hasn't been a priority. I'm hoping it will stop the neck pain I'm having.

I told myself this morning I was not going to come in and have a melt down over any of this junk. I'm really just worn out today. I went to bed earlier and found I was still sleepy when I got up. My guess is that this constant fatigue is part and parcel of the fibro or CFC. I'm hoping not. I'm hoping it is just stress. But even when I'm not working I feel this way.

I'm still planning on the sugar fast. Did I mention this already? I can't check from this location. I'm talking myself into it slowly but it is coming. I'm going this weekend to buy some natural juices that I can substitute for sweet drinks. I already drink diet drinks and use artificial sweeteners but I think I need to come off those as well. I am going look for Stevia. They say it is a good natural sweetener without the risk of artificial sweeteners. I've got some information that connects sugar to inflammation and so I have nothing to lose by trying it.

Honestly, I just love good old fashioned cooking but it is too much to cook like that for me. Give me black-eyed peas, collards, turnip greens, mustard greens, corn bread, sweet potatoes... good grief....I'm starving already just writing it! Put ham in any of those and serve the corn bread on the side and you got yourself a poor man's feast!

I'm going to lunch soon with my friend, Loraine. That will be a pleasant break in the day. For now, I will leave you all with good wishes for a good day.

Painful Start

I had to do some neck stretches when I got up. My neck was hurting so bad. I am going to have to call the Dr. R. back to see about some kind of shot. I'm not dealing with it well. Not to mention the sky is so gray.

I am hoping that today will not be another stressful day at work. Yesterday it was terrible. I do have a lunch date today with Loraine. She's one of our local Nano'er's and will be joining our writing group on Thursday night. So that will be a nice diversion.

I did not get the 300 done last night or Sunday. I was in so much pain and so tired I had to go to bed. I was in bed before 11! Had no trouble sleeping unless you count the depressed state of mind I always have when I go to bed. And when I woke up the pain was mainly what I had to deal with.. that and wondering when that independently wealthy thing is going to kick in...

I'm finishing breakfast now and will head out in about 10 minutes. I hope everyone has a good day.

Gone are the Gossamer Skies

Another Monday dawned and I was confronted by leaden skies and a falling mist of snow that seemed to melt on contact. The temps have been fluctuating around freezing with no consistence. I am a mass of aches and pains and depression. Truly I do not wish to be in this place.

It was another day of having the PTB yell for me across the hall to fix a problem. I explained the issue half a dozen times and he still didn't get it. Ultimately what he wanted was me to just say "Give it to me and I'll take care of it." I didn't. Neither did anyone else.

It defies reason for anyone to have a job that pays roughly $50,000 a year and be unable to understand it, answer questions about it, or even solve a problem.

I have decided to go on a sugar fast. For those who know me, this is not easy. I watch my sugar intake most of the time but when I am like I am now, I make no attempts to control it. Stress, depression, frustration, aggravation all take a toll. Still, I have to do something to attempt some kind of effect on this inflammation that keeps me in pain. So, I have to get rid of all my goodies but there aren't many and there is the writer's meeting on Thursday night. That will help and it will be a nice break in the week.

I did go to church last night with Sarah. I told my aunt tonight that "Aunt Kate" is in my back seat all the way to and from church. Aunt Kate was my great aunt, sister to my grandfather ( he and my grandmother raised me). Aunt Kate was a very large woman. She was tall, like most of the Browder clan. But she was large. Best cook you can imagine. And she could belt out a song that could be hear a block away. Mind you, it was good singing. Every church meeting I ever went to where she was in attendance, someone would get up and say, "Sister Kate, will you sing for us?" Of course she would. She loved to sing.

Sister Sarah gets in the car and says, "Put the Jesus CD on Mawmaw." I do. That little 24 pound tot can belt out a song, let me tell you. She sings to the top of her lungs. And she does pretty good. There are 30 songs on that particular "Jesus CD" and she knows a lot of them and if she doesn't know all the words to each one, she fakes it and carries on. It is highly amusing and quite joyful. Before long, Mawmaw is singing, too. Mike won't sing, although he can and pretty good but he won't. I thought last night I wished that the video camera would work in the dark. I may record it anyway next time because you could probably hear her.

I'm headed off now. I have to write my 300 a night. I missed last night because I was really not well. Tonight, if time permits I may try and catch up but I'm not forcing it.

I'm in a funk. Starting Monday's the way this one did is not an auspicious beginning to the week. I'm hoping that this is the bottom of the hill and it is all up hill from here. My luck, I'll pull a calf muscle climbing.

Long Days

The days are lengthening but I don't seem to enjoy them any better at the moment. I'm so tired and my back has hurt all weekend. Sarah has been here since Saturday afternoon but I've had long days so I'm really in need of rest.

I was planning on taking her to church tonight and it is the only time she really gets to be with other children in a group setting. They have children's church on Sunday night and she likes it. So, I wanted to take her. I should have taken a nap earlier today but didn't.

Not sure there will be 300 words tonight either. Just got a lot of pain issues and sitting even doing the blog is not a pleasant experience.

I'm off now. Maybe for an hour I can relax and see if I feel better.

Just a Moment

I'd like to know what PTB assigned me the duties of a super without the monetary reward? I'm so annoyed today. Putting out fires that are not MY fires and leading the PTB around by the nose all morning has simply screwed my work up. I'm now behind. Why do we need a super when said individual does NOTHING!

O.k. I've had my moment.

Back to the breach.

A Gossamer Sky

The sun is shinning in Southern Indiana today. The sky is a lovely

blue with gossamer clouds drifting on the air, air that nearly

sparkles in the intense cold. After the gloom of the past months it is

odd to see that colors seem to be more vivid and . . . present. Even

the bricks of the old Welborn hospital across the street seem an

unusual intensity of tan. One would almost feel hopeful... if one were

not such a pessimist. Well, you know I am. Still, it gives one a nice

feeling of euphoria to look out of a cold, dark office into the

sunlight of a new day.

Was that maudlin enough? I hope so. It was very difficult to write.

I find myself on the edge of my seat hoping that the groundhog did not
lie this year. If he was a smart creature he stayed in his burrow
during that horrible storm. If he came out during all that mess just
to see his shadow, well, I just hope he froze to death.

You do know that all that groundhog story simply means if Feb 2 is a
bright sunny day of good weather, winter will continue another six
weeks. Whereas, if it is a day of gloom... and snowstorms it should
arrive practically on time, which is at least six more weeks... until
March 22... the spring equinox to be exact. When it is supposed to
arrive. Sooo...

I've slept better the last few nights and feeling a bit more rested.
That or I'm coming out of the flare at last. I've had more joint pain
and my back was also acting up. I think the back is the result of poor
posture. I'm going to purchase a tray for my desk at work for the
keyboard. At home, I'm trying to sit more correctly when working at
the computer or with the crochet.

 I started another swiffer sock last night for my friend. I haven't
told her yet. It will be  pink and white since that is the prettiest
colors I've done so far. I should be done with it by  Friday if I work
an hour or so a night. That and the "300 a Night" challenge are
keeping me occupied enough I don't notice much else. I watch t.v.
shows while crocheting. Yes, you can... I also read while watching
t.v. but not recently. Both my sisters do, too. Don't know why we can
do it, we just do.

The sun is higher now, the wispy clouds more intense and the blue a
bit brighter. It is an hour later than when I started this. I have to
start thinking about lunch soon. Carolyn has already asked what I
wanted to do. I've no idea. Thursday is usually our free day, meaning
we don't really have any place in mind to go. Lately Bob Evans has
been a choice. They have delicious cheesy baked potato soup. Fried
bacon and scallions scattered on top. MMMM, sounds good today!

I've been getting post updates to my email and that is quite nice now
that I can't see them online at work. I do try and comment to but that
feature wants to take me to the sites after I send it so not sure it
is working. But nice to read anyway.

My office is freezing. Each time the door opens a chill breeze wafts
in and settles around my ankles. We are not allowed to close our doors
because the PTB are concerned we would be doing something unethical.
Only think I could think of would be sleeping. I crack mine to within
an inch and today, I've closed it twice. It is just too cold in the
building and particularly on my end. My boss doesn't like it and he
knock if he come in either, just pushes it open. I told one of my
co-workers

The day has moved along and the sky is still lovely and sharp. We had
Chinese buffet and it was really good. I love cabbage egg rolls, the
kind with a thin crispy crust. Sooo good. I worked a couple hours and
we took a break, which I just came back from. All together I've
written bits and pieces of this post through out the day during short
breaks.

I do hope everyone is snug and warm and having a lovely day... or evening.

Cut Off!

I'm a bit annoyed. Only a bit. They have effectively shut us out of all "social networking" sites. I can't get to Multiply while I'm at work. Well, I can't get to the site. I can post via email, as this post proves. I'm unable to go in and read everyone's posts and comments and post from the site. I suppose I could get those emails that give me all the posts and comments but that is a lot of email gumming up the works.

Well, they don't pay me to do that, you know. So, I'm fine with it... just a bit annoyed. Suffering withdrawal all day. It was a nice break in the day to read a few posts and even write some. Tonight it will take forever to go over everything. I have that challenge issued by Doug to contend with, which came out o.k. last night, if a tad boring. He's read it and of course found all these twists and turns I didn't see. He suggested, in jest I assure you, a romantic ghost story with a sappy ending. That dog won't hunt. But he did have some interesting ideas he tossed out. I have not read his attempt but he did write and about the same as I did.

So, since I'm cut off from the outside world I shall slave away here in the mines, working for the MAN. I always wondered what that meant. I've decided it is Monstrous Administrative Nazis. I shall return home in about 30 minutes and see what you have all been up to today. Then, I must start my crochet sweater and write 300 words.

Driven, that's what I am. Driven.

A Challenge for Me

My lunch with Doug on Monday ended with a challenge posed by Doug. We are to both write 300 words a day until our meeting on the 10th. That's 3000 words in 10 days. Not a bad goal and not overwhelming, which I think has been a problem for both of us. So, I did my 300 tonight. Here it is. Please remember this is a work of fiction. There is no resemblance to any persons living or dead. And no, I have no idea what it means. Seems pretty useless at this point.

Maddie Walker stepped back and tilted her head to one side, studying the arrangement she'd just placed in front of the tombstone. The brilliant colors of the silk flowers glowed in the sunshine, almost blinding her. They were a nice foil against the white marble. Her eyes caressed the stone, tracing the black letters, one by one. They were daggers that scored her heart. For the billionth time she wondered if that would ever stop and decided not.

Stepping forward, she leaned down and traced the name carved there, gently rubbed the top of the stone as if she were ruffling someone's hair. Sighing, she turned to leave.

Across the drive that wound through the grounds were more headstones of varying styles, sizes, and age. She halted when she noticed someone standing beside a grave only a few rows in. Very seldom did she run across anyone at this time of day. It was a large cemetery but it seemed as if people no longer felt it necessary to honor their dead.

Continuing toward her car parked in the row of slots beside this section, she kept her eyes on the man who stood with his back to her. He was tall, long legged, with broad shoulders bowed as if a great weight rested there. She knew that feeling. Her eyes slid to the grave. It wasn't fresh. She glanced back at her own anchor. One never got far before feeling that pull. No matter where you went, what you did you could always feel it, tugging at you.

Pulling open the car door, she took one last look at the lone mourner. He was gone. She look around. There were no buildings nearby, no trees, no large monuments to hide behind. Nothing. Slowly, she turned in a circle, searching. She was alone.

A silk flower blew across the road and came to rest against her foot. Bending down, she picked it up. She always liked yellow roses. Yellow was for remembrance.

It's Raining, It's Pouring

Ain't no body snoring! I'm at my desk. Just came back form lunch with my friend, Carolyn. The rain is coming down steadily. I long for a comfy chair and a warm blanket with a cup of hot coffee or cocoa with my feet on the ottoman and the curtains pulled so I can watch it rain. It won't happen.

I've decided I want to be independently wealthy.

Yes, I have.

No, I did not say it was going to happen. I said I decided I want to be. I'm sure you will agree it would solve all my problems. Well.... most of them. Probably create a few along the way as well. I think I can deal with that.

I do not have a headache today but I didn't feel too well when I got up. I was so sleepy and my hands, knees, feet, back, and neck were not friendly at all. I'm less tired than I was but then I got quite a bit of sleep compared to usual. I went home and slept two hours . . . did I already blog this somewhere? I should try and go back to my 10 p.m. curfew. I had a period where I was doing that and I did really well with it.... got up earlier but I was feeling a bit better I think.

I'm so looking forward to Spring! I need sunlight again. I can always tell. I'm sorry, you can't put that in a pill, no matter what you do. I'm going to look for some of those special lights I think. If I put them in the rooms I'm spending most of my time in, it would probably help a lot.

I've been reading the blog of a fairly recent friend. I met Loraine through NaNoWriMo two Novembers ago. This year, we chatted in the NaNo chat room quite a bit and recently got together with some other Wrimos for an informal get-together. Now, I find she is quite funny without trying. The PTB have invited her to join our Writers' Asylum group and she will be joining us. I'm giving her Wordpress blog link here if you are interested. I particularly refer you to the October 2010 and November 2010 posts. One is about an incident in her bath and the other a dinner conversation. I found them truly funny. The Doctor & His Wife

I should be doing something, I'm sure. I'm just killing time finding "stupid work". That is stuff that doesn't require a lot of effort or brain power but is legally what they pay me for.

Yep, I've decided to I want to be independently wealthy.

{sigh} It's a thought.

Monday Flop

I came home at 3 with a headache. I've had it most of the day. Had lunch with Doug and thought the food would help but it didn't. I got worse. Once home I put on my p.j.s and went straight to bed and slept until 5:10 pm. I got up and at supper.. grits and a cherry preserves on small biscuits. I bought those biscuits by mistake. They are about the size of a half dollar but actually, for me, three is all I need.

I did have a nice chat with Doug and we've settled on a challenge to get us writing again. He's been given notice that his job will be gone in the Spring as the result of a corporate buy-out. Do say a prayer for him. He has four children under the age of 14 and his wife only works a part time job. It is going to be very difficult for them if he doesn't find something. He's in telecommunications so I don't know what the market is like here. I would hate for them to have to move. Doug and his wife have become good friends and I need all of those I can get.

I did take my Imitrex but I'm not a great deal better. I still feel sickly. I'm going to bed soon. The weather here is iffy. They don't predict any ice or snow here until maybe tomorrow. I went to the store because I was out of milk.... happens with impending storms. Actually was out over the weekend and forgot to get it. I picked up breakfast things because I was out of that too and some fruit and a veggie tray. And I picked up a drink called Naked. Health drink with fruits and or veggies in it. Becca keeps telling me to try carrot juice.She bought a Jack LaLane juicer last year and used it a lot at first and now she's back on it. She got really sick for a while with her blood sugar and says she's doing better drinking the carrot juice.

So, I told her I'd try it. I like juices but I'm not very motivated lately. I can't begin to say how tired I am. I have come to realize that working takes nearly every ounce of energy I have to function. By the time I get home it is almost too much. I don't have a solution since I am not independently wealthy and the small pension Jerry left is nowhere near what I earn. It simply allows me to remain solvent. So, quitting my job is not an option.

What I've found is I'm good for several hours after which I need to rest for a couple of hours. Then, I'm usually good for several more. But working, I don't have a way to break that up and as a result, I'm not recovering so quickly. I've tried to help myself by getting other people to do things like cleaning the house for me but it is hard to find good help. Becca's mom moved away. Becca is in school and hasn't time anymore. And there are few people I trust in my home alone. So, I don't know. Hiring a service would be far more expensive that I want to pay.

Anyway, I'm going now. I think I will take my computer to bed and watch a movie. I bought the Prince of Persia and want to see it. My neck and shoulders are just killing me tonight. I'm doing some things I think are aggravating it. Since I moved my desk at work the keyboard is too high and I can't lower it. I need a keyboard tray but the one I had won't work on the opposite side of my desk. And I need it there. Don't say ask maintenance to fix it... won't happen. I may find me a wheeled stand to slid under my desk, that might work, not sure. I can purchase a clamping keyboard tray for about $100 and will probably do that. Easier than dealing with the strain.

Ok, enough. I'm getting off here. Stay dry, stay warm, and wear grippers on your shoes!

What Follows A Sunny Weekend?

A gloomy Monday, of course! The sky is overcast but we did not get the projected rain. It could be tonight but I'm hoping this one will pass us by. I can deal with snow but the ice is no comparison. It is far more dangerous.

I am going to meet Doug for lunch today and I scheduled a writer's meeting for the 10th. I'm a bit tired of waiting for everyone to get it together. I have four or five people who want to meet up and I'm just going to do it. Doug emailed back and said he was glad I had done it because he needed it, too. Then he suggested lunch. I jumped on that. One thing about Doug, he is funny and sets my brain in motion. We can talk about writing and maybe I'll do more than sit in my chair when I get home.

I downloaded a sweater pattern over the weekend for Sarah and I'm going to attempt my first crocheted garment. We'll see how it goes. Then nice thing about crochet is it is so forgiving. If you make a mistake virtually no one will see it and you can always pull it out and start over! I haven't done a garment before so this will be a bit of a challenge. I used to be up to challenges.

Biggest drawback is my neck. I have a terrible neck ache after making some of those swiffer socks. Not sure if I need stronger glasses or light or what but I've got to work on the posture.

I'm off for now. Been working on this off and on for 45 minutes.

What Happened to the Snow?

I melted but here's the outlook for the next three days. Bleak, I tell you....
http://www.14wfie.com/story/13935925/wintry-mix-headed-to-the-tri-state-on-monday

Winding Down the Weekend

Found this in my drafts and do not know why I didn't publish it. Probably because it seems unfinished. But since I can't go back and what I do say is important to me, here is it.


I don't know about you but Sunday afternoons are the hardest for me. I have the realization that I must go back to work tomorrow but I also feel so tired from all I've done that it is just a daunting thought.

Sarah and I had a fine time and she is napping now. Must get her up soon but getting her quiet is always a feat so the thought of waking her up is a bit hard to handle.

I've posted a few photos of her in her new pajamas, jumping around the den. And in her Sunday Go To Meeting clothes with her hair all dolled up. Of course, after a ride to church and rubbing her head around, her hair is not quite as chic. That's why I take the photos before church.

I also have a few videos that will be up later. They take time to upload and then, you may have to watch them tomorrow! Annoying but too true.

I've really got to find a way to put these video on a dvd and keep them. It is nice having them here but I think someday Sarah might like to have a keepsake, when I and the blog are gone. It is the kind of thing I wish I had of family and of Jerry. Of course, she could probably care less but just in case.

I spent most of the weekend avoiding thinking about Jerry except for the time we went to take flowers. No one does that but me. Mike goes with me at times. I know Jerry is not "there". But we both held similar view about this. People should not be forgotten. And a trip to the cemetery is not a chore.

For me, and for Jerry, it is a gesture of respect and love. We both hated not being where we could visit our parents graves. He had talked about going home in the summer and visiting his folks grave. He so loved his mother and it was very hard on him when she died. The weekly calls to her meant so much. Not being able to visit that grave was painful for him. And were I the one in the ground, you would find him there every moment he could be there. So, while I do not go as often as I know he would, I go. Mike goes. I take Sarah because I want somehow to instill that same respect in her. People, people you love should not be forgotten.

Day of Mourning

End of a Long Cold Week

I'm here at last. I'm exhausted. My cold is hanging on. I had diarrhea all afternoon and last night. I felt so bad I did not get Sarah but my sister had her for a bit so that was good. I sat and watched t.v. and crocheted another Swiffer sock for Becca.

She now has three different colors to use. I'm going to make some for my friend Carolyn. We were talking about the sock the other day and she said she used a Swiffer and that she has a cotton sock that you tie on. The one I have I think it better because it is stretchy and slips on and is reversible. So I'm going to give her a couple.

Good news... my vacation was approved!



Now, I have to buy the airline tickets. I'm really excited about this. I think it will be one of the most exciting things I've done in a long time. I loved my overseas trips in the past. I love seeing new places. I've got to get money sorted out, too. Must call the bank.... And I want to get a really good camera!

I actually have from May 28 through June 12 off work so I just have to coordinate where I will be and when and how!

I'm at work and must get back to it. Just wanted pop in and give the news.

Looking for Answers

I've been looking for sources, particularly weekly newsletters, for widows that are Christian based. Actually, there don't seem to be any. Why is that? Are we less important than a drug addict, an alcoholic, a paralyzed person? Do we have no need for spiritual encouragement? Is our situation of so little concern that it is considered a waste to provide such items? Are they so few of us that it is deemed low priority?

It astounds me to find that this appears to be a common problem. Go look at your favorite support website, whether Christian or not. Come back and tell me how many articles or newsletters you find there that deal with the death of a spouse or other loved one. This is begging the question but I'm willing to bet it is slim to none.

You can google "grief newsletters" and you will find lots of items on grief. But not a single one of the major Christian based sites such as Bible Gateway, Christianity Today and several others has anything remotely resembling these carried any newsletters or devotionals. I know because I looked.

The print industry has mass quantities of books on grief. But I can tell you quite honestly that during the first year and a half, reading is nearly impossible. You can't think. You can barely remember how to put a meal together. Focusing on novel length, self-help manuals is not possible for most people going through this. Planning a strategy to combat the horrible effects of grief are equivalent to scaling Mt Everest. You will eventually get to the summit but the road is through hell. Reading for content is not something most of us can do.

For some reason the items I found on Google that seemed helpful at first glance were in little known, under advertised, and obscure sites solely about grief. They come with many titles and in many guises, some barely related to the healing process. One was called "Creative Funeral Ideas" and the banner was . . . festive. I was totally put off by the flippant sound of that. Why would you need creative funeral ideas? How far in advance do you need to plan such an event? Funeral homes have funeral directors but this title alone would indicate that one would need something far more talented than a simple funeral director, sort of like a wedding planner. It made me angry.

There seems to be a huge number of blogs by widows now. I'm no longer doing something unique, apparently. I read a few and found it odd to read my feelings scattered over the internet, written by strangers. After reading a few, I wondered again why anyone would read about my experience. It is so depressing... particularly if you are on the same train.

This morning I was reading the comments on one such blog and found it surprising how much everyone sounds the same. The stories related were like echos, differing only slightly because of the shape of the lives in which they resonate. All had a similar complaint. There is no support, no resources readily accessible to widows in their cities. Their friends seem to have deserted them. Churches don't see them.

Don't get me wrong, major and some mid-sized cities do have support groups but most groups are geared to seniors. I was 53 when Jerry died. I would have been very uncomfortable in a group of over 60 widows I think. And there seems to be a huge number of young widows, below age 50. We're at war, remember. One place stated that there are over 13,000,000 widowed person in the United States and of these, 11,000,000 are women. The men tend to remarry. Probably younger women.

So with that in mind you would think resources would be fairly prevalent. I suppose the increase in blogs is a defense mechanism we've taken on ourselves because we are dissatisfied with the lack of an effective and inexpensive support system. I mean, consider the cost of counselors, books, and seminars for all kinds of problems. It is an industry. Widowhood is not a mental illness but it can lead to them. It isn't a physical aliment but it can lead to them. There are treatments for the symptoms, just as any other disease, but no cure. Yet, there are very few places one can go for help. Most of them cost something.

I was fortunate to have health insurance that covered a grief counselor. I suspect it was pretty much a waste of money as I don't feel a lot better than I did before. You go because you hope there is a cure. There isn't. You go because you're afraid of monsters only to discover they have no defense against them. There is no armor, no shield, no weapon that will repel them. You simply fight bare fisted and hope you are left standing at the end or at the very least that you can crawl off the field and live to tell it.

Overall, I'm unimpressed with my search for resources. I am not hopeful or comforted. I wonder how the other 10,999,999 feel?

One Day

One day ..... I've spent years thinking that way about all kinds of things. One day we'll visit Europe and see castles. One day we'll own our own home. One day we'll have children. One day we'll get the house fixed. One day we'll go on a nice vacation and sit by the pool all week. One day we'll buy a new car. One day. . . . I've done those things and more besides.

But I never said, "One day I'll be a widow and live alone." The thought never crossed my mind. It was beyond the scope of my imagination. It just isn't something for which you plan or dream.

One day.... so much crammed into that phrase. We say it with so little regard to the impact it actually has on our life.

I restate something I said long ago in one of the early grief blogs. Why is so little known about an event that has or will affect every human being on the planet? Is it because we hide so much of our grief from those around us? Or is it because no one really wants to talk about it? Or is it because most of the world lives in denial that it will ever happen to them? One day.

In one day a global event happens to you personally and only those closest to you even notice. They will forget just as quickly. You will relive that one day for years.

One day can change your life and last forever.

One day. It wasn't supposed to be a bad day.

To The Forgotten

Author unknown.

He was getting
old and paunchy
And his hair was falling fast,
And he sat around the Legion,
Telling stories of the past.

Of a war that he once fought in
And the deeds that he had done,
In his exploits with his buddies;
They were heroes, every one.

And 'tho sometimes to his neighbors
His tales became a joke,
All his buddies listened quietly
For they knew whereof he spoke.

But we'll hear his tales no longer,
For old Bob has passed away,
And the world's a little poorer
For a Soldier died today.

He won t be mourned by many,
Just his children and his wife.
For he lived an ordinary,
Very quiet sort of life.

He held a job and raised a family,
Going quietly on his way;
And the world won't note his passing,
'Tho a Soldier died today.

When politicians leave this earth,
Their bodies lie in state,
While thousands note their passing,
And proclaim that they were great.

Papers tell of their life stories
From the time that they were young
But the passing of a Soldier
Goes unnoticed, and unsung.

Is the greatest contribution
To the welfare of our land,
Someone who breaks his promise
And cons his fellow man?

Or the ordinary fellow
Who in times of war and strife,
Goes off to serve his country
And offers up his life?

The politician's stipend
And the style in which he lives,
Are often disproportionate,
To the service that he gives.

While the ordinary Soldier,
Who offered up his all,
Is paid off with a medal
And perhaps a pension, small.

It is not the politicians
With their compromise and ploys,
Who won for us the freedom
That our country now enjoys.

Should you find yourself in danger,
With your enemies at hand,
Would you really want some cop-out,
With his ever waffling stand?

Or would you want a Soldier--
His home, his country, his kin,
Just a common Soldier,
Who would fight until the end?

He was just a common Soldier,
And his ranks are growing thin,
But his presence should remind us
We may need his like again.

For when countries are in conflict,
We find the Soldier's part
Is to clean up all the troubles
That the politicians start.

If we cannot do him honor
While he's here to hear the praise,
Then at least let's give him homage
At the ending of his days.

Perhaps just a simple headline
In the paper that might say:
"OUR COUNTRY IS IN MOURNING,
A SOLDIER DIED TODAY."

What?

Honestly, I sat here and tried to think of something to blog and as of right now... there's nothing. So, I think I'll get a shower and see what the hot water does for me.

And Here Comes Monday

Arriving with a freezing blast and smacking me full force as I opened my eyes. The days do not move at a consistent rate. The weekend actually seemed rather long and tedious. Mike came Saturday but we just sat around. We did go and get Sarah and take her out for a hamburger... well she had one. We waited and went to Penn Station with her so Mike and I could have a real sandwich. And we spent the afternoon with her here. I read stories to her and Mike did his laundry and watched some old t.v. shows.

Once I took the two of them home, one on one side of town and the other on the opposite, I did some crochet. I made Becca a Swiffer sock. I actually started it the night before. Yes, you heard me. I crocheted a sock like item to go on the Swiffer so she could save the $15 it cost to by those silly tissues to do the floor. Ten of them cost nearly $15. This is reusable and washable and if she had bought the yarn, about $8 and I can get probably three or four socks out of it at least. This is reversible. One side can be used for dusting and the other for moping. the dusting side had a nubby finish that picks up dust while the opposite side is smooth for moping. When you are done, toss it in the laundry. I'm making the several for her so she'll always have a clean one.

Actually the first one, a pink and white one, was almost too pretty to use on the floor. Her Swiffer is pink and doesn't have the built in sprayer. It is the mop part. If you don't know what a Swiffer is, you can Google it. Anyway, I'm now making a blue and white one. I'll try and post some photos when I'm done.

I am leaving a bit early for work. Snow fell again last night and I don't know how the roads will be this morning but I'm taking a snow route just in case. Last night my drive was slippery because the snow melts a bit and then freezes again. This morning, great sheets are sliding off the room.

I don't feel well myself this morning. It isn't the pain so much as it is just this malaise. I simply want to go to bed and stay there. I'm tired. I go to bed but get no more than 6 hrs of sleep but when I wake I'm not refreshed. So it seems pointless. But if I'm not getting enough sleep, why do I wake up? I can remember when I needed 9 hours at least to keep going. I haven't been able to get that for years. Nearly 8?

So, teeth brushed and hit the road. Sarah is still sick with a bad cold so keep her in your prayers. She is just so small we get frantic when she gets sick.

Where I been....

I got the link from Kat's blog. Very cool! But I had to do two to get it all in. Maybe this year I'll add Britian!



visited 12 states (24%)
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More Bird Crap?

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Litterally? Well, I could not use the other word! Anyway, has anyone ever heard of a flock of birds making this kind of mess? I mean, how big would the flock have to be?

Even more interesting is how big would the birds have to be?!!

Snowed In

I took a sick day. I am exhausted. I have a cold. My back was bothering me. Take your pick. My drive is long and I'm not about to try and shovel it with a bad back. Last time I took a broom and swept a path I could navigate but this is more snow and wetter. I may try and get it clear in a while, when the sun is higher but without a shovel, I'm hard put to move that much snow.

It is lovely outside but at 7 degrees... I'll stay right here where it is warm and cozy. I'm reading news as I stumble across it. Obviously you have seen the items I've posted in the last two days. I begin to think that the whole world has gone insane. Has it been this way long? Have I lost touch with reality and the world by not having television that I missed it? My real fear is that there are more of "them" than there are of "us". And they breed.

I'm headed back down the hall now to finish a something I've started. I have moved some things around and am sweeping. This is a terribly dusty house! I really wish I could get my washer and dryer out of the main part of the house. I believe that is what causes so much dust. This summer I am thinking I will try one month with no dryer and see if it makes a difference. If it doesn't then I'm fine. If it does, I must find a way to correct the problem. I also need the duct work cleaned. That's a bit expensive.

I'm considering the last week of May or first week of June as my trip across the pond. I'm going to put in my request this next week so I need all my buddies in England to let me know if that is a good time for a cousin from the Colonies to visit. I need to get it approved and purchase tickets NOW to get the best price. The last weekend is May is a three day weekend because of Memorial Day. I've been going to the cemetery on that day because they do a Veterans' Memorial service. I'd have to forgo that this year. My plans are to travel on a Tuesday or Thursday... it is cheaper because they are off days. It would mean I'd use less vacation time as well. I'd like to use ten days to take the trip and return.

So, those of you who offered to put up with me let me know if this is a convenient time.

Now, I'm off for a bit. No doubt I will be back because there isn't much to do here.

Woman who fell into fountain faces theft charges, has criminal record

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The plot thickens.... now we know why she needs money, I mean aside from her unemployed mate. She has fines! And look at her rap sheet!

Pray tell, what is "Practice Probation"?

Life is so much stranger than fiction. I don't really think I could write this stuff. I would never believed people could do these things. At my age you'd think I'd have gotten it by now.

I wonder if she'll sue this paper for putting all this out there? Honestly, has she kept her mouth shut, no one would even know who she is, where she is, or what she had done. The woman could have moved to any place and gotten lost. But no, she had to identify herself as the klutz, get her face in the paper, on t.v. and internet and tell every person exactly what she is made of. Astounding. Or as the Walrus said... Curiousier and curiousier.