Thursday, March 31, 2011

Nearly There!

It is Thursday and I, for one am thrilled. The week is nearly over and I will be able to put work behind me for at least two days. The weather is terrible. Gray and gloomy and cold. Yuck. Pain is manageable but it is pain. Took benadryl again last night but I'm still having motion issues.

I have a doctor appointment this morning and they are supposed to draw blood. I usually go a week before the appointment but have not had transportation to the lab. I have to do a fasting test and that means going to the lab as early as possible, say 7:30. I can't go much beyond 10 without eating or at least drinking orange juice. So, to day, I will do the lab work while there, either after the appointment or if I arrive early enough, before.

I have writer's meeting tonight. It was supposed to be my night but with all that is going on, I'm not prepared. I hate that. But Cassie switched with me so it will be fine. I have until the middle of April to get my act together.

I got her submission yesterday and read it last night. It is a short story she submitted in her Violence in Fiction class. I must say it was really well written. Cassie is only about 22 and in college so her writing tends to be geared to that age and the behaviors are fairly common among her set. Lots of drinking, drugs, and stupidity but she writes well and it was a different slant on a not unusual situation. Best friends move to big city, they party and drink a lot, one gets pregnant by party boy and begs her friend to do something to cause her to miscarry (she calls it an "MC") because she can't afford an abortion or an "A" as she calls it.

So, we'll see how the rest of the group likes it. I am guessing they will like it fine. Her writing is, as I said good.

Must get my gear together and be ready when my ride gets here. I'll be back later if time permits. Meeting begins at 6:30.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Chugging Along

I have an eye appointment today. Since I'm taking an antihistamine I'm not sure how that is going to go. I'm very sluggish. But I have to say, taking it all day yesterday helped. Around 7 p.m. last night I felt better. I actually lay down when I got home and took a short nap. I felt better and actually did some crochet.

I remembered I am supposed to be ready for a critique on Thursday. I haven't got a thing prepared! I had begun something but this balance issue simply threw me off track and I never went back to it.

It is now 2 p.m. and I'm back from my doctor appt with dilated eyes. I can't hardly see. I have all the lights off in my office and everything still looks as if I'm viewing it through that thick plastic we used to put over our windows. I've had this done twice before but it was never this bad. My appointment was at 11 and took over an hour. He's a very thorough doctor. I've used him for 22 years. He's been eye doctor to all of us.

I don't feel very well because the eyes are making me dizzy when I try and walk. So, I'm not going to get out of my chair much. Still viewing the computer screen is difficult, too.The nice thing is that I can actually type with my eyes closed and not worry about it. LOL... of course I'll have to open them eventually to make sure I don't have too many errors.

I mentioned I did some crochet last night. I have been working on Sarah's sweater but last night I took a break from it and began a shawl. I'm making it for a family member. I am going to like it. It is a simple shawl done all in single crochet. No fancy design and it will be all white but it does look very pretty. I do like to crochet and it really is therapeutic. I would encourage anyone stressed to try it. It helps me a lot when my mind is just overwhelmed with things.

I must go now and see if I can do some work. I may be back this evening, depending on how I feel. I want to go lie down at the moment.



 


Sunday, March 27, 2011

Sunday Without A Clue

I have no original title today. Sarah came over around two and is currently taking a nap before we go to church. My sister is off and she is coming to pick us up. It is a rare thing for her to be off.

Mike spend the weekend but he is home getting ready for church.

I had an atrocious weekend. Just really not good. I'm overwhelmingly sad and I'm so very tired of being that way. I'm lost. That is all I know. I feel thrown back to 2009. No bearings, no compass. Trying to buy a car was far to stressful. I felt as if I was simply going to explode until I got out of the place.

I did not buy a new car. It was lovely and drove really well and they gave me the hard sell. All the reasons I needed it. They were right. But I do not need a 6.3 yr loan to buy a car that will be worn out in 5. No. I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't have any idea but I do know that a loan that large for a car is insane.

I'll be 62 in 8 yrs. If God is gracious and I live that long and the world has not annihilated itself, I will be probably leave that job. I can't afford to be saddled with a house payment and a car payment. I will need to be able to survive on a very small income, 1/3rd of what I make now. For less that what I will pay for that car, I can have three used ones in that time. Assuming I can find one now.

So, I'm still without wheels. My friend is taking a cruise in April so I don't know how I'll get to work then. She'll be gone about a week. I can call a taxi I guess. It might be cheaper to rent a car for that week.

I am tired of being tired. I can't seem to get enough sleep. I've decided to try really hard not to take the ativan. I don't like the potential side effects and addiction potential. In my current state it is too easy to rely on a pill. I've been off St John's Wort for about a month now. I ran out and was only able to get to the store two weeks ago but I can't take it with the ativan.

Honestly I'm just sick of taking a pile of pills that seem to do nothing for me anyway. This is no way to live. I thought for a bit during last summer I might be getting clear of it all but now I just don't know. I feel as bad as ever and less able to cope than I have been in a long time.

And I'm just scared. All the time. I'm frightened of being alone. I'm frightened of something happening to me here. I'm frightened of something happening to one of the children and I can't help them. I'm frightened of something happening to my job. I am living like a hunted thing, waiting for something to happen and bring my life crashing down. I have no one, absolutely no one to turn to in an emergency. I've never had to live like that. I don't know what to do to stop it. I don't think another pill is the answer.

I've said enough. More than enough. I don't like spilling all this out here but what am I supposed to do with it?

Saturday, March 26, 2011

A Saturday Search

I am supposed to go look for cars today. My sister has loaned me her car and Mike is supposed to go with me. I find I do not want to go car hunting. I know it is crazy because I keep saying I want, I need a car. But I don't want to go.

I have no idea what I am doing. I have no idea what questions to ask. I have no idea what to look for or listen for. And Mike is not going to be any help either. He knows next to nothing, although he will tell you differently. He tries but he really doesn't know. Jerry did teach him a lot of stuff about working on the car. He can change brakes on the front. He has done spark plugs and oil but with supervision. Those are a bit tricky.

It is another slap in the face in some ways. I have no one to turn to either. There are no friends that I can ask. Like me they don't know. Women just don't make a point to learn these things and car salesmen know it.

In all honesty, I do not feel I should buy one right now. I tend not to listen to my gut at times. I'm feeling this dread and pressure. But I have to go and at least look and maybe talk to the dealer.

It is already noon so I need to get started. Maybe we can do lunch at the same time. I'll let you know how it goes.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

How to Take a Vacation

I just want to know where I apply.... oh... I make too much money for this... never mind.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Where I've Been You Don't Want to Go

I sent an email to Kat tonight when she checked up on me. I am more or less quoting it here because, well, it is easier than retelling it.

I've had a pretty bad week. The weekend was terrible. I felt rotten. On Monday after lunch I felt o.k. but had a very bad dizzy spell in the car and my friend had to stop until it passed.

I got back to work and decided I was not feeling very good and went to the ER. I have fluid behind my eardrums. They gave me meclizine but I can't take that and work. I'm supposed to take 1 tablet, 4x a day! I'd be under the desk if I did that. Meclizine will put you down. So, I got some benadryl and am going to try taking that at night when I get home. That's all I can do at this point. My doctor is out of the office all week. Spring Break for him too I guess. They suggested I go to the ER.

I waited in the ER from 1 p.m. until 4 p.m. to go back and didn't get out of there until 6 p.m. I got so ticked when they started calling people who came in after I did that I approached them about it. They said it depended on the severity. I asked, "So if I fall out of the chair I'll get seen?" and walked off. I was going to call David and tell him to come get me. By this time my back was killing me.

A woman with a child who had been there less time than I got taken back. The boy had been playing video games the whole time... he was the patient? I would not have been so tic'd if they had taken the woman who came in after me and had been vomiting for two solid hours. The woman with the child was back there less than 30 minutes and he came out walking and playing that video game!

Once they got me back they did a CAT scan and an EKG and both checked out ok. So that was good. Now I just have bouts of dizziness and feel like crap. I'm concerned and edgy about it. It feels "wrong". It is probably a good thing I don't have a car at this point. I couldn't drive with this.

Because of all this I am not able to take some of my medicines due to the excessive drowsiness. I've had vertigo before in the mid 90's when I got an inner ear infection. It was much worse than this but I didn't feel sick... just flat out exhausted. I'm exhausted and feel horrible.

I'm supposed to go check some cars on Saturday but I really don't want to get another car payment at this point. I'm having some physical problems I can't seem to get past and I'm concerned I won't be able to work. If that happened, a car payment would sink me for sure. I want to just find something I can get for a couple of thousand and be done. If I need to go somewhere long distance, I can rent a car for a week for one car payment. So it isn't a big deal to me. Repairing a used car can't be any more expensive than buying a new one. I can bank those payments and use it to do repair if needed.

Anyway, I've just been to tired to do more than make a few comments on the blogs. I feel generally lousy. I think part of this is allergy related and has set up a chain reaction. I'm sneezing, coughing, my head doesn't feel right, visual issues that may or may not be a ocular migraine. Who knows!


So, there you have it, the last five days in a nutshell! Sorry I have been out of pocket but I am just flat out tired.



When A Man Has Had Enough

Sent to me by a friend.

Source of photo is unknown.


Saturday, March 19, 2011

Public Safety Workers Blast Ohio City's Decision to Lower Police Recruit Standard - FoxNews.com

Link

This astounds me. I respect our law enforcement personnel. I appreciate the job the good ones do. They have a dangerous and thankless job.

I now hoave a question or two. Don't these other races mind being called stupid? I mean... to complain that a test is too hard because you are a minority just seems to me to be highly insulting. Orientals from various nations of the East have amazingly high scores in American schools and when they apply to American Universities. So I don't believe any race is dumber than another.

I have no idea what is on this test that would need to be dumbed down. I mean, it isn't a matter of cultural difference. For heaven's sake it is a POLICE examination. What would they be testing you on? Math, language skills, reading ability? What? And do I want a stupid police officer? Oh... wait... we have lots of them!

Sorry. Soap box here. If you believe you can't pass a test because you are not white... well, I won't disagree. Because that is the stupidest thing I've ever heard. It is also an insult to people like George Washington Carver and Booker T Washington, Lewis Latimer, Granville T Woods, Elijah McCoy, men who proved that that their race would not hold them back. The faced obstacles that the current generation has never and will never know. They didn't get "easier" tests. They obtained greatness through sheer determination and hard work.

O.k. I'm done. Save your mail.

How to Identify a Meth Lab...In case you were wondering...

Friday, March 18, 2011

All That Matters

This has been the longest week. Monday was so long ago I can't even tell you what I did! I got a lot of work done this week and am in a very good place there. I pray it holds, that no disasters rear their heads.

I am stressed over not having a car. I can't leave my house without trying to find someone to take me where I need to go. I have stayed home. There are buses but the stops are half mile from the house and I don't see lugging things home that far. I can't carry a handbag anymore for very long so carrying bags of anything would be a very bad idea. But I've got food for the moment. I just can't go look for a car.

I had lunch on Thursday with my friend, Loraine, from the Writers' Asylum. Loraine is so quiet! I feel like I simply babble on and she sits and listens politely, smiling. She's so nice. I told her that next time she has to tell me to be quiet and let her get a word in! Sometimes, I can't seem to stop the flow and I know it is because I have so few opportunities to really have a conversation with a responsible adult who listens to me. It is an embarrassing realization. I am thankful for those in my group who have volunteered to be ears and give of their time.

For the most part I've managed to keep the wolves at bay except when I go to bed at night and the house is dark and silent. I have to always put on some classical music so I don't go totally crazy. Sometimes I have to call someone, usually Becca, and lie in the dark and ask her to talk to me for a bit. I simply have not adjusted to the nights and do not, at this point, think I ever will. I despise the isolation it brings. I am always isolated but the darkness makes me notice it more. Several nights I've grabbed the crochet and started counting stitches just to block everything out but the sound of math. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. I no longer look for answers actually. It just is. I don't like it. I am not happy. I no longer expect to be.

In fact, I have realized that I don't expect much of anything these days. I don't really think about tomorrow. I found myself sitting here a few nights ago and I realized I was thinking about nothing. I seem to be living in the moment. I need to eat. I need to drink. I need to sleep. Make this bed. Turn on the washer. Put these in the dryer and these in the washer. Answer the phone. Brush my teeth. Check mail. Go to bed. I know it sounds crazy but that is exactly what my day, every day is like. I have no idea what to do next most of the time. Life seems to have ground to halt and moves forward only when required.

My friend, Ron, in Michigan emailed me that his father is in the hospital and he thinks he will die soon. His father is in his 90's. Of course, Ron thinks it is "just life" and seems quite calm about the whole thing. But I know him well enough to know that he wouldn't have emailed me at all for something as simple as "just life". He said he did not want sympathy. I gave it anyway and told him
"This is harder than you pretend it is. You won't know it until it is over".

Why do people want to pretend that death will not touch them? It is such a foolish belief. He barges in and rips us apart without any thought to what we think or how we feel about anything. It doesn't matter. For him, it is personal. He comes unannounced, takes his prize, and leaves misery in his wake. I will never be whole again because of death.

I do not wish to offend anyone's sensibilities about death being "sweet release", the "door to a better life". If you feel that way, good for you.  I won't mind being in heaven. I'd mind the other place. It is the manner in which I'm forced to travel that I have a problem with.
You see, I've stared into the dead eyes of my soul. I will never be able to view it any differently. I can't ever erase the sounds and sight of it. For me, it is eternally a nightmare.

If you still can't understand, go find the video of the volunteer firefighter in Japan. When the sirens went off he left his family at home and went to do his job. Watch his face when he returned home and realized his entire family is gone - wife, children, and grandchildren. All dead. He is not young. There is no starting over. All that mattered washed away.

So, the week ends. I'm glad it is over. I'm glad I survived another day. Only, as with the end of every week, I know that it doesn't matter. In one second of time everything changes. All that matters is swept away on the tide.




Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Watching the Dust Form

My insurance payment hit the bank but I still have my deductible to pay. I have it in my savings. It was part of my plane ticket. Not all of it, but about half. I still want to take that trip. But for whatever reason it will have to wait until later in the year. Life has a way of doing unexpected things. Seems I get more than the average but I've ceased to expect a normal day. Watching the horror unfold in Japan I am again reminded that the truly important things in life are not brick and mortar or flashy cars and the finest neighborhood. All of that can disappear in minutes. For the last couple of days all I've wanted was to pull my family around me and hold on. They would think I'm crazy. But they can disappear so quickly and you can't call it back.

For now, I'm going to take what I was making on car payments and pay it on my house. If I can get that paid down some it would be a big relief and a lot of money saved. I'd love to have it paid off in half the time I have left. I have 11 years to go so in about 6 years... still seems a long time. I have a way to work and that is all I need for now. Dave can take me to the store if I need something. I can't get to church but nothing says I can't have church at home. No one here but me and the good Lord. I don't suppose He'll mind.

It gets very isolated here. The writing group meeting again helps but since I can't seem to write anything sensible anymore I'm not sure how long that will last. I'm just so tired when I get home I can't do much but sit in a chair and stare at the walls, watching the dust form. That is what I did for hours tonight. I finally crocheted for about an hour just so I wouldn't go insane. I'm headed for bed now. There is nothing else to do so it is probably a good plan.






New Treaty Would Ban Space Weapons for Earthlings and ETs

Link

I have a couple of questions here.

Who is going to impose the sanctions should the aliens refuse to comply?

Who is going to enforce the treaty?

And if the ET's have a hundred warship hovering over earth, exactly what do we think we're going to do about it?

Scroll down in this story and take a look at the woman who proposes all this. I swear she's from the planet Hoth. (See second Star Wars Movie) Is that a hood on her head or her hair? Did anyone tell this woman that if she wants to be taken seriously she has to use a comb! And hair pins. And hair spray... lots of hair spray.

My stars and garters, folks, is this really of national interest? Is it of even local interest?

It does make good bathroom reading.




Saturday, March 12, 2011

Will March 19 'Supermoon' Trigger Natural Disasters? - Yahoo! News

Link

I'm sure, like me, many people laughed at this. After all, an astrologer is the source...this is not a science. That would be astronomy. No, this is prognostication of the more psychic sort.

If you read past that part, you will find some scientific support for the theory. There was a terrible earthquake in Australia. When that happened I began watching to see where the "opposite" quake would happen. Laugh at me if you want. It is as good a way to predict them as the stars. My loose theory is that when a major quake happens in one location, within a few months, somewhere relatively opposite that quake, on a fault zone, another serious quake will occur.

See, I live on the New Madrid Fault line. The northern most end. I'm interested in quakes as I work in the bottom of a building that is about seven or eight stories. These days I get nervous when a quake hits somewhere opposite my location because I've held this theory long enough to believe in my own predictions. Oh yes I have. So, I've been waiting silently. I mean, people would think I was nuts if I told it. But now I've put it in my blog you will all remember it. And think I'm nuts. You're laughing.

But, in light of that astrologist predictions and Japan... maybe it isn't so funny now?



Thursday, March 10, 2011

Writers' Asylum Meeting 03/10/11

As usual it was fun to meet with my group. There is always a lot of laughing. I was glad for all who turned out on such a cold night. They arrived in pairs - Doug & Melina, Cassie & Loraine - all driving their own cars. I told them it felt like the ark. Loraine admitted to wearing long johns and I don't blame her a bit.It was freezing outside. I did pump the heat up so we could stay warm. Doug brought his famous salsa and chips. Loraine brought cookies to die for. I provided water, chips, fig newtons and grapes. Was there something else?

Doug was up. We had a good time critiquing the short story he is working on. Everyone had input on it. The overall consensus seems to be that we like it. It is shaping up to be a good story.

Melina read a short piece she wants to develop in which the character is delusional. We were able to give her some, we hope, useful feedback on it.

Cassie shared her phobias of creepy crawlies and other things. She was in rare form. She suggested some interesting movies and books for both Melina and Doug to read about crazy people, well, disturbed people anyway. She will be presenting us with her 25 page story that she did for a class. It will be coming early because of the length.

Alas, Kathy could not join us. She emailed to say she would be away.

The next meetings are as follows:
March 31. It will be my turn in the box. Everyone get your forks out.
April 14. Cassie is up
April 28 Melina is up.

We'll talk about the Spring rotation at the next meeting.

Busy Day at Home

I took today and tomorrow off to try and get the last of my car business sorted out. The rental goes back to day and I'm going to be stranded. I have a way to work but other than that, it is Pat and Bob (right and left leg) unless someone is available to haul me.

My sister will but she works insane hours so it won't be easy. David will I think but again, availability is in question. He wasn't this morning when I wanted him to go to the dealer with me. I don't guess it matters. I just didn't want to go alone.

Jerry helped me with all this stuff last time, getting a car and sorting it out. Actually, he just lent me moral support and I could talk to him about the car, the money, the paperwork. I think I just needed someone with me to be that moral support. But I went alone. And it was very hard. The man who helped me was nice but I really needed Jerry there to ask questions. I almost cancelled the Gap coverage before I got it across to the man that I wanted them to pay. I told him to tell the guy who sold me my car to get in touch with me. Hopefully, he'll be as helpful this time as he was before.

I have a writer's meeting tonight. I'm looking forward to that. I have not taken that extra BP since Monday and I felt much better Tuesday and Wednesday night. I did have to take the Ativan last night and my neck is better today. I also took Tylenol to address any back pain that was causing the neck pain. So.. I'm drugged up! Not. I fell fine actually. A bit down but I the trip to the car dealer caused that... and the fact that I won't have wheels. That's frightening to me...never thought it would be. I can walk perfectly fine and I could walk the three blocks to the bus stop if all else fails. But I can't haul parcels home with my back and neck problems. Oh, never mind. I'm whinning.

I've just had bread and jam for lunch. Yes. I did. Seems these days I don't have much appetite. I come home and get nearly sick before I eat and then only because I have to to stop being sick. I don't want food. Lunch is the only real meal I eat and I'd skip that if I didn't get ill. I realized a few weeks ago that I was very much like that when I was younger and first married. I at a sandwich at lunch and cooked for Jerry when he got home. We at supper together, a small supper for a small budget. Then when the children came, I had to fix three meals a day and we were eating a bit more because the budget got better. After the kids all left we did what we wanted and we'd eat out. Now, I've come full circle but there is no Jerry to cook for at night. I eat lunch to avoid cooking at night. I have very little "meal" stuff in the house. Cans, jars of sauce, some meat in the fridge, ceral, rice, and mac 'n' cheese is all there is. I keep bread and sandwich fixin's.

If I can keep my head this clear, I might be able to write for my next critique. I simply got witless on this medicine! It was about the most horrible I've ever felt.

I'm learning some new crochet stitches. I quite like doing the videos. But they are quite unprofessional. I know. I've seen the good ones. But they are such fun. And I flub so much when I'm telling stuff. LOL, but doing crochet is just a lot of fun. I can't believe I go too busy to do it for so long. And there are such beautiful things to make. Like Jilly, I want them all.

If you are following the videos and links, keep practicing. It is well worth it. Once you master the basic chain the other stitches are easier to learn. And some of the unique stitches are very beautiful.

I've nothing to add now. I'm on my third cup of coffee. That can't be good but I don't care. I'm home and I'm happy at home, as happy as I'm every likely to be. I just wish someone would roll back the clouds and give us four sunny days!

Oh... I am going to get a refund on my warranty that will cover my deductible. GAP should pick up the rest but the man at the dealer's told me they tend to take 4-8 weeks to pay. Figures. There will be a minimum 5 day hold on the check unless the bank can clear it sooner. They will try. So, I'm looking at about two the weeks just to get the basic cleared. If the difference in my insurance and my deductible is less than $100 I'm not waiting for that darn gap. I have to buy a car. They can pay me back.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

How to Crochet #6

Dozens of How to's, patterns and ideas for anyone from beginner to expert.

http://www.crochetpatterncentral.com/index.php

http://www.crochetpatterncentral.com/directory/instruction_directory.php

A Quickie.. or is is Quiche?

I'm off to work today. I found the culprit that was making me exhausted and foggy. The extra BP med when I got home from work! I skipped it last night and was able to do laundry, wash dishes, get papers sorted out for the insurance and well.. get the idea.

Now must call the doctor.

Also discovered that my extended warranty may pay me up to $3000 toward another car in addition to my insurance paying off the loan. Must get that sorted later today. Please, to my praying contacts, pray about this as I need that to get a decent car. That would just be the amount I thought I was going to have to come up with! It would be wonderful if they do.

I feel much better today than I have in two weeks but I do wish I could stay home and do things around the house. It is a rainy, gloomy day and I would just love to sit and watch the rain if nothing else.

Hope to be back later tonight. I've felt so bad I haven't been able to do much in the evening and so busy at work that I haven't had time.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

More Crochet Instructions

I've put some additional links here to anyone interested in learning more about the abbreviations for stitches and the size of hooks. Lion Brand Yarn and Redheart Yarn both have sites with tons of information, tutorials and free, yes, FREE patterns for various skill levels. You can download them in PDF or print them out. I've started a note book of my favorites.
Links
The following is a great video for basic stitches! Better than mine

http://www.redheart.com/learn/videos/learn-crochet-5-basic-crochet-stitches

http://www.lionbrand.com/http://cache.lionbrand.com/cgi-bin/faq-search.cgi?store=/stores/eyarn&learnToCrochet=1

http://www.redheart.com/http://www.dummies.com/how-to/crafts-hobbies/Crocheting.html

http://www.karpstyles.com/crochet/crochet-abbreviations.html


http://www.craftyarncouncil.com/chart_crochet.htmlhttp://www.craftyarncouncil.com/tip_crochet.html

http://www.craftyarncouncil.com/crochet.html

The Serpentine Road

I was sitting here in my library paying my bills, sorting through the huge mass of paperwork that seems to accumulate here. Sarah likes it when I call the study the library which, in fact, is just another bedroom.

I despise paying bills. Not because I don't have the money to pay them. God has blessed me with enough funds to pay the people I owe and still have a few dollars left to eat on. I'm truly thankful for that blessing. But I hate money in general and I hate shuffling it around.

During my attempt to sort it all out and clear off the desk, I ran across photos of people I love and people who love me. That's a nice thing to find after you've been handling bills. Their faces smile up at me and I feel lighter. But homesick. I ran across photos from the luncheon the church gave after the funeral and I am surrounded by my brothers and sisters and children and aunt and uncle. But Jerry isn't there. They are beautiful photos of everything in my life that is important save one. So, sadness follows.

Sadness is a constant companion but one who doesn't nag me to cheer up, get over it, etc. I can function with sadness. The Ativan has helped with the impending doom feeling that had begun to follow me after every simple life event, every shock, every frustration. I haven't taken St. John's Wort in nearly two weeks and don't feel the need. So, not depression... anxiety = constant stress of simply living.

Throughout the last two years I've been learning how to tread water. It gets very tiring at times but one keeps doing it because to stop means to drown. Life under normal conditions is trying. I do not live under normal conditions.

I think that most of the time life feels like a serpentine road that is filled with more twist and turns than you could ever imagine when you start the journey. At twelve I dreamed of a home and family and children and for a little while I had what I dreamed of and I think we were happy. I did not dream of this day. I started the journey along that road with a chimera.

The dream became a nightmare. I tried to wake him from a nightmare that night. Instead of waking him, I was pulled into it. I've never shared a nightmare before. I never want to again.

The road ended at a cliff and I fell off into a vast ocean and had to learn to swim. I hope that the beach I find myself on is not a desert island and that there is a bridge to the mainland that will connect me with something other than the nightmare.

I'm not dreaming anymore. I am not looking forward. I'm trying not to look back. I am simply looking at the moment I am in and hoping that around the next curve the road will not fall away and drop me into another ocean.


Friday, March 4, 2011

Here Comes the Sun

For Cheryl... they say it is always there somewhere.

From on of my favorite Beatles


The Payout

I just got a call from Matt @ GEICO and they will pay all my car off
but my $500 deductible. So, I'll break even I think... well, not
exactly. I have to pay the $500 AND then find a way to buy another
car. I have about twice my deductible in savings. I was saving that
for a plane ticket. I should get my deductible back from the other
insurance company but they said it could take months.

So, now I'm rethinking how to take my trip. I AM GOING TO DO THIS! I
may have to take it later in the year, possible as late as fall. I'm a
bit disappointed but I'm not giving up my plans entirely. First I plan
to get a vehicle with a lower payment, as low as possible. I'd like to
pay half of what I'm paying now. I would then have money to put aside
for the trip. By my calculations by the middle or late summer I'd have
the money for the ticket. In addition, a cheaper car payment! So, that
is one scenario

I'm praying for a really good car deal. Everyone of you pray for me in
this and if you don't pray, well, do whatever you do! By next weekend
I hope to be on my way to finding a new vehicle. I did like my little
Ford Focus.

The hooker party last night was a success. At least I had a good time.
Kathy and Cassie did very well. Kathy caught on fast but she knew how
to chain pretty well. Cassie had more difficulty but by the end of the
evening I could see a great improvement. Loraine is a better teacher
than I am. I'm a lefty and teaching a righty to crochet seems to be a
bit confusing. For me, it is like looking in a mirror but apparently
rightys can't do that.

Food was good and we spent a lot of time laughing. These girls are
very funny. Doug heard and said next time he might join us but he'd
bring a different craft.

I do not know why I am so very exhausted when I get home. I am
wondering if it is my BP med. I take this med in the morning too but
don't recall feeling that tired. It is an unreal exhaustion. I don't
take my Ativan until 9 p.m. so I know it isn't that.

I have to get to work. I've been back and forth to this post for over
an hour. They are testing the fire alarms here now and it is very
annoying! One of them is right outside my door. I keep jumping every
few minutes when it sounds.

Sorry I've been erratic in posting lately but I've been too tired at
night to bother with anything. I hope to catch you all later.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Unphotographable: Burqa Discount Bin Conditioner

Link
Very cool site. Lots of ideas here.

A Small Experiment

This is Thursday. You all know I got a new medication, Ativan, on my
last doctor's visit. I started taking it over the weekend. It stopped
the anxiety I was feeling. I only take it at night, despite his
prescribing it twice a day. I have to work and it won't allow me to do
that. However, I did not take it on Monday night. I had to see, of
course, if and how well it was working. One looses one's perspective
when you are this far on the bottom. There are no windows in a well,
just a skylight. So, I elected to not take it .

I was fine on Tuesday and even Tuesday night. I was a little stressed
because the news of Jerry's cousin's husband dying but I was aware it
upset me talking to her. Had it been anyone else I might have fared a
little bit better but there is an emotional component with Deirdre
because I've always loved her and I felt her pain so badly. She had
such a rotten childhood and was pregnant at 16. She later found a man
who was good to her and they have a son, too. But she has terrible
health now. Her husband sat down on the bed and simply fell over dead.
He'd complained of chest pain for two days! {sigh} I don't know. Men.
She has no money except disability, no home, no place to go. Her son
is in the military. Their son is at home with her. It can be much
worse ladies than I have it. I did not ask her about funeral expenses
or anything else.

Wednesday I was o.k. but feeling a bit pressured in the afternoon. Not
unduly I didn't think. But when I got home, I didn't feel well and I
wandered around. Sarah came over for about two hours. While I enjoyed
seeing her I still felt bad and when she left I was barely able to
move. For days I've found myself absolutely exhausted to the point I
could hardly walk by eight p.m. I mean falling over, unable to keep my
eyes open and head up exhaustion. I have been so tired it was
frightening. Last night I sat on the edge of my bed and contemplated
that pill. AI was concerned at how tied I was. I did not want to take
it but I was at a point I knew it was going to be a bad night. I
finally took it and turned out the light. I had to call Becca and have
her talk to me for about half an hour so my mind would stop circling.
I think I went to sleep as soon as she hung up.

They also changed my blood pressure dosage. I'm taking an extra pill
when I get home. Then, my regular dose a 9 p.m. My bp at 10 p.m. last
night was 118 over 77! I haven't been that low in decades. This
morning it was 128 over 88. Again, almost normal but low for me.

So, now wondering if the exhaustion is the increased BP meds. If so,
I'm not sure how to handle that. It doesn't do that to me in the
morning so I'm thinking not. Anyway, I'm recording these events so
I'll have a record for the doctor.

I feel fine this morning, a bit tired but fine. I could take a nap if
offered one.

The insurance adjuster called me yesterday. He said he'll see the car
in 3 to 5 days and get back with me as soon as possible. Geico is "da
bomb". They have been super nice and on top of this from the
beginning. I am duly impressed and I don't impress easily. Everyone,
every call they are courteous and answer questions without acting like
they are doing you a favor.

Now, back to the mines. I'd like to have a clean desk by 5 p.m. ....
if I don't fall asleep.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Accident Report

I got the accident report this morning and spoke with the other
insurance. I've faxed it to both companies. If I don't hear something
by noon, I'm probably going to tell my company to go ahead. I need a
car. My company was willing to go ahead and pay even without the
report. But I really feel her company should pay out.

Anyway, maybe by Thursday I will know if they total the car.

Oh... The other driver was at fault. She admitted it to the officer!
Well, she is only 23.

Back Into the Breach....Whatever

I'm waiting for my ride to work. I still have not heard from the other insurance. If I don't hear today the I will have to go through my insurance and pay whatever deductibles I can scrape up. I will have to hope that my insurance can recover the funds from the other insurance. I will have to pay for the trip to the er for Mike.

I will once again wipe put my savings,Story of my life.

Well, I might have a rental car by Thursday at any rate.

Sun is shining brightly today. At least, for now. I don't know for how long.It says it is 28 degrees out there. Actually, it looks cold from the windows.

It is now 7:20 and I've been waiting for Dave for over 10 minutes. That's the thing about Dave. He drags around. I will have a car by Thursday. My co-worker called five minutes and offered to pick me up but I paid Dave to do it and I need him to get the police report for me. I don't want to miss any more work and he knows where to go.

I'm off now to get my gear together and stand at the door.

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