Sunday Without A Clue

I have no original title today. Sarah came over around two and is currently taking a nap before we go to church. My sister is off and she is coming to pick us up. It is a rare thing for her to be off.

Mike spend the weekend but he is home getting ready for church.

I had an atrocious weekend. Just really not good. I'm overwhelmingly sad and I'm so very tired of being that way. I'm lost. That is all I know. I feel thrown back to 2009. No bearings, no compass. Trying to buy a car was far to stressful. I felt as if I was simply going to explode until I got out of the place.

I did not buy a new car. It was lovely and drove really well and they gave me the hard sell. All the reasons I needed it. They were right. But I do not need a 6.3 yr loan to buy a car that will be worn out in 5. No. I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't have any idea but I do know that a loan that large for a car is insane.

I'll be 62 in 8 yrs. If God is gracious and I live that long and the world has not annihilated itself, I will be probably leave that job. I can't afford to be saddled with a house payment and a car payment. I will need to be able to survive on a very small income, 1/3rd of what I make now. For less that what I will pay for that car, I can have three used ones in that time. Assuming I can find one now.

So, I'm still without wheels. My friend is taking a cruise in April so I don't know how I'll get to work then. She'll be gone about a week. I can call a taxi I guess. It might be cheaper to rent a car for that week.

I am tired of being tired. I can't seem to get enough sleep. I've decided to try really hard not to take the ativan. I don't like the potential side effects and addiction potential. In my current state it is too easy to rely on a pill. I've been off St John's Wort for about a month now. I ran out and was only able to get to the store two weeks ago but I can't take it with the ativan.

Honestly I'm just sick of taking a pile of pills that seem to do nothing for me anyway. This is no way to live. I thought for a bit during last summer I might be getting clear of it all but now I just don't know. I feel as bad as ever and less able to cope than I have been in a long time.

And I'm just scared. All the time. I'm frightened of being alone. I'm frightened of something happening to me here. I'm frightened of something happening to one of the children and I can't help them. I'm frightened of something happening to my job. I am living like a hunted thing, waiting for something to happen and bring my life crashing down. I have no one, absolutely no one to turn to in an emergency. I've never had to live like that. I don't know what to do to stop it. I don't think another pill is the answer.

I've said enough. More than enough. I don't like spilling all this out here but what am I supposed to do with it?