Wednesday, November 30, 2011

So it Ends.....

At midnight tonight the bell tolls on another NaNoWriMo year. And as always, once it ends there is this sense that something is missing or that I've lost something important. In a way maybe I do. 

The removal of the pressure of having to write every single day is the first thing you notice. You kind of sit in a mental fugue where your mind feels like it is supposed to be somewhere else but isn't and is confused by it. You notice that people you were in contact with nearly every day  seem to kind of fade away, not disappear completely but mostly. You don't get those 'You can do it!' emails that get you through the next 1667 words and beyond. You begin to feel bereft. 

For me there is the added loss of write-ins. While only a few meetings had a half dozen attendees, it is kind of nice to sit down and write with like minded people. A common goal that links you to another human being. And you get a good dose of laughter and conversation with it. It's a good feeling. I'll miss those.

Overall, it is the sense of community that pulls one along during the month and it is this sense of community I find myself missing the most every year. Visiting the forums on the last day is very sad in some ways. You really probably won't be back until next year. But things happen and you might not be able to come back. Or something may happen to some of them and they won't be back. You think about it all that last day. And for the month of December, you feel it. 

There is the sense of success in the knowledge that I've written 50,000 words of a novel. But there is an impending sense that if I don't do something with it I'll lose something else. 

I don't know what the magic of NaNoWriMo really is. I don't what pulls us back to it every year. All I know is that for me, it is a place that comes around only once a year where I can do things I might not have done otherwise. I can go places in my mind that are only limited by my imagination. I can meet people I might never have met. I can laugh more than I have ever laughed. 

Then, in 30 days, its gone. 

Tuesday, November 29, 2011


Oh Snow, Oh Me Oh!

I know, corny title but I was in a hurry and I'm saving my really witty stuff for the NaNo Novel.

It is snowing.... has been for about an hour. No accumulation to speak of but snow all the same. The sky is terribly overcast and it is cold, 34F. Just warm enough to melt the snow when it hits the ground. I used to love snow. Not so much now.

You've all seen the number. You know I am closing in on the 50K. Some of you are so very confident in me! I had no idea I was so capable. Thank you for all the encouragement and support. And for all your little ideas sent to help me through the blocks. They were actually very good and I'm probably going to use some of those tonight and if necessary tomorrow! My poor Simon is going to be fit to be tied. 

I'm getting ready to go to lunch with Carolyn. No idea what is on the menu today. I need something really good. I had chili last night. Prepared it and wrote while it cooked and ate while I wrote. It was a chili night. I still have some and I'm not sure it isn't a chili night tonight. Maybe a simple salad for lunch. It was really good chili with sharp cheddar cheese. I love cheddar cheese. 

I'm in a very up and down mood lately. I've felt a million times better this month, clear headed, less pain, really just good over all. But I can't shake the sadness, the loneliness, the totally abandoned feeling. It feels as if I'm on some outlying planet and sometimes travelers stop by and visit me but then they leave and I'm stranded here again, by myself. It is a hideous feeling that at times has me climbing the walls. 

I don't know if anyone will understand this unless they write. The other night I had bee writing for hours, living in the make believe world of secret agencies, operatives, and eek, Simon who's hotter that a jalapeno in July. I had to stop and take a break and when I got up and walked away from the computer, it was as if I was in a strange place. I mean I was disoriented and felt very odd, as if I'd been somewhere else, a place I belonged, and now I was suddenly whisked into an alien environment. That doesn't happen often, in fact, it hasn't happened to me quite like this for a very long time. It was so odd but so cool. I used to do that kind of thing when I was writing fiction a lot. It is a lot like a mini vacation and you have the same feelings of let-down that you get when you come home!

All right, I think lunch is in order. The flakes are much smaller now and I need to just step away from the work for a bit.

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Top of the Morning

That's right. The very top.

I went to bed around midnight. I've not slept since. I lay in the bed four hours and nothing happened except I kept telling myself to go to sleep. I would have done better to sit up. I'm sitting here at 5:54 a.m. wide awake.

Those who've been here awhile know that this is not beneficial to me. Sleep is the only thing I've found that actually keeps my pain levels way down. I'm concerned that by noon I'll be ready to drop. My plan was to spend the afternoon with Becca and Sarah and Sarah could spend the night. Now, I'm concerned that I won't even be able to sit up by noon. And if I go to bed too early, I'll be back up before dawn on Sunday.

Appears that one can't win at this game.

I decided if I can't sleep I might as well write. Um.... I might want to get coffee first... Maybe a lot of it.

Friday, November 25, 2011

Start Your Engines.......

Well, I was able to jump start my story and finally got to just over 37K before midnight. The story really took off and I don't really want to stop. However, tomorrow I have a lot of things I'd like to do but I MUST get the next 4500 words down tomorrow just to be caught up. Seriously. If you think how long it took today to get 4000 words.... I worked all afternoon and all evening. About 9 hours.

Now, I'm headed for bed, very psyched up. I hope I can sleep! Be terrible to be lying there, awake for hours with all this enthusiasm. I'm so well... never mind. I've said before, for me writing is a cheap high.

Hope everyone's holiday has gone well. If you didn't have a holiday, please have a great weekend.

Just do not call me before 9 a.m. please!

Another Day, Another 5K

I'm finally up but didn't really sleep well at all. Just dozing. Not sure what that is about.

You know, I love my family. I have a wonderful aunt, as you all know. I do not know what I'd do with her. She read my blog sometime this morning. Bless her heart, she called about 11:00.

"I saw your blog this morning and I wanted to be see if you were getting any sleep.

I said, "I'm trying."

She said, "Turn the phone off so no one can bother you."

I agreed and hung up.

My sister called ten minutes later. "Are you asleep?"

Admittedly, it was nearly noon. And she had no way of knowing about my long night.

Sigh. Aren't family just lovely?

I'm on my way to the word mine. Someone keep the coffee warm.

Stalled Out

I'm really disgusted with the whole thing. I'm tempted to just trash it all and give up. And I find that just disgusting. I don't quit. I write to the end.

So why does it feel like it's the end?

Two Cellos

Another favorite youtube video I found months ago.

Winding Up a Long Day

It is like winding yarn. Seems to take forever to gather it all into a cohesive ball. The tapestry comes together but I've also been cutting ties. Leaves things nice and clean.

I left after Sue got here to clean and went to McDonalds and had a burger and coke. I was going to stay and write but the place was mad with children hammering on the tables with toys. I like children. But not when I'm 10,000 words down and trying to climb out of the hole I'm in. So I finished up there and went to Abbey Road. I had a peppermint mocha that was really good and sat there to write for about three hours.

The owners are nice to me. Her mother used to live next door to me and is now in a nursing home. He is a former journalist, retired, who opened an artsy coffee shop. They have art shows on the sidewalks on warm summer days. They hang local art on the walls to sell. They have open mic night once a month for locals and they serve coffee and scones virtually all week. He's a writer, plays guitar and is a fair singer. I was surprised. It's one of those places that small towns used to have that they've lost, where people come in and sit and do whatever they want with no complaint. Nobody whines.

He opened his doors to WriMos this year for a write-ins and it has turned out better than I expected. I had reservations. But it is that old book by its cover thing. Today, he shook my hand and said, "Don't be a stranger." And I won't. It will be a place to run to to simply be alone without being alone.

I've been looking over my contacts again and there are some that have been gone two years. I hate to remove them but at this point, it is probably time. I'm guessing that after two years, they aren't around anymore. If you are around but haven't posted in more than 12 months, you might want to give a yell. I won't delete people who are out there reading but then, I know they aren't because I check. After this weekend, there will probably be about five slots. I never let myself go over 35 because that would be impossible to keep up with. Doesn't mean I don't visit other sites but keeping up with the blogs can get pretty hectic.

The word count is climbing steadily but I am still doubtful of finishing. It is simply not going anywhere fast. I'm fighting for every word. And on a good day, in a couple of hours I can crank out 2500. It has taken all day and I'm short that by at least 100. To just get current I still need 10,000 by tomorrow. Yes, it might be doable but only if these characters start clamoring with ideas and sharing them with me.

I've taken my shower and am about to dive back into the story. It is odd. I was writing earlier and hat to stop to do something. I had to actually think about where I was! That happens sometimes, when I'm really engrossed in it. I seem to step out of this reality into another. Then, when I am forced out suddenly I'm kind of confused. So now I've got to regroup and step back into that other place. Lot harder going in that coming out actually.

A Different Sort of Friday

The sun is shinning! Oh my goodness! Look out there. It paints the ground in lovely golden swaths, gilds the trees, highlights the blue of a stunning sky. Amazing!

That's my quota for exclamation points by the way. I use a lot of them... because I also talk that way! It is very hard getting that across... Isn't it? I don't care. They invented the thing for some reason. Might as well use it. It is considered really bad writing. College writing prof said only one is allowed. LOL, leave it to me to defy him. He way too uptight about it.

Still getting all these rave reviews of my hair. Good grief I wish I'd let it down sooner. Best compliment... not that my hair is beautiful. Not that it looks good down. No. Ready? You look so young! LOL I am soooo very vain and didn't even realize it. Second favorite? I didn't know you were so blonde. That is actually humorous. I once was a nice mix of blonde, brown, and a tad of red. Now... I'm silver.. that is not gold... that is silver. All the red and gold decided to turn to silver. Somewhere .... let me look in my pile of books... hmmm, here we are... alchemy.. Eureka! I've discovered how to turn gold into silver. Who knew that mixing a little silver with brown would make it look blonde. (whisper - It actually doesn't but some people seem to think it does so I'm good with it.)


I feel Billy Crystal today. You know......Mahvahlous. I've not been doing anything. Kat and I have both been up past midnight chatting on gmail chat the last two nights. LOL, we both have a "get off time" of 11 but I when we're not working, well, we forget. Simply looked at the time and said, "Oh look! It's 1 a.m.! Maybe we should get off now." No one called me this morning. I was up at 9 despite being in bed... a late.

I'm still down in word count. Waaayyyyy down for me. Today I'm supposed to be at 41667. I'm just over 33K. So, nearly 10K down. Very hard to catch up once you get to that point. So, I'm going to write like a fiend today. May go to Panera and get away from the phone and have a cookie and a drink. My novel is being written in Google Docs so their free wifi is a good thing. cleaning lady just arrived! I wasn't even dressed yet. LOL. I have changed into something suitable and will probably go out just so she can do her thing. Takes a couple of hours and she's done. This is probably the best thing I've ever done for myself. I'm not sure that just not having the stress of cleaning the house isn't healthy. One less worry.

So, not sure how everyone is spending your Friday but I hope it is something you enjoy. Think of me grinding away at the word processor. Simon jumping through hoops to save his skin and that of his lady... LOL, those who've read any of the real story of Simon know it is amusing.

Did I say I feel Mahvahlous? It's true.

I'm scared to death by it.

Joke of the Day

I got this in my email from I get one everday. I share them once in awhile. I love this one. I laughed out loud.

Jury Duty

I was on a panel for prospective jury duty. The first lawyer questioning us began right off as an intimidating showman.

After several questions, he asked, "Do any of you here today dislike lawyers?" There was an awkward silence.

Before the pause became too long, the judge announced, "I do."

Thursday, November 24, 2011

More Hot Music

I'm obsessed with these guys. They are tremendous. Love it

Thanksgiving Day

My phone woke me at 8 a.m. Yep. My day off. The phone rings. Never mind. It doesn't matter. It always happens.

It's is cloudy, despite a weather notice that said it was supposed to be mostly cloudy. There was a little sun behind a little cloud on the weather notice. Imagine my surprise when I saw huge clouds and no sun outside. What's that about? Why not just say, cloudy today with NO sun. Better yet, why bother with a weather report at all? I mean nothing has changed since LAST WEEK! It's terribly depressing weather. And it is cold on top of that.

Nuff weather rant. I have several more I need to cover before I lose you completely.

Actually, I'm not going to rant. As usual, I had a bit of a meltdown last night but I pulled myself up by my boot straps. It is the holiday season. I still have to get through December and my anniversary in January before I even get to the death date in late January. Kind of like base jumping. Once you step off that ledge, there is no going back and you just keep going until you hit bottom, hopefully softly.

Anyway, rather than trying to fix it, I simply started writing. I didn't do too bad. But the goal for the next three days is 20k. Yep. I have to get this done. I know if I go into Monday with a huge deficit, I'm finished. I'll never make the goal. If I can get the 20k by Saturday I'll be done and I'll have made goal.

I KNOW it's a lot of words. But if I don't set the standard high I'll probably not even make half that. LOL, Yes, you can use psychology on yourself. I'll let you know... better yet, watch the ticker on my home page.

Someone asked about my background, Abandoned. I believe it was a visitor. I got that background at I think I gave the wrong information previously. That's where it came from, Ethansdad. It just appeals to me for some reason.

So, I'm getting dressed in fits and starts. At the moment I have a blue long sleeved pullover and black leggings. I'm cold and these are warm. I'll pull a skirt on over them before I leave. Hair is down. It is nice to have to struggle with it. I just wish all that short stuff would grow!

We're going to Golden Corral for dinner after my sister Phyllis gets off at 2 p.m. It's late and I can't do a thing about it. It is also cheaper for me to pay everyone's way than to buy all that food and spend days cooking and cleaning. I'm happier this way. If anyone else is not they can cook next year and I'll be happy then, too.

Not sure I'll be back today. I really need to knuckle down and get the word count up so probably not. I hope that you remember the Ten Foot rule. Here is the excerpt from my blog about it from November 29, 2009

"Tonight I sit in a room that is approximately 9x10. The realization came to me tonight that all that matters of all that we do or say can be found within ten feet of you. And we usually stay close to what we love. But we don't notice it. It is silent and we don't really notice. Unless at some point it disappears. A void opens up.

I suppose the answer would be to look around and see what is within ten feet of where you sit right now. Reach out and grab it. Don't let go. If you do, it will begin to drift away, beyond your reach. Until you can't reach it anymore."

Try very hard to say thank you today to someone for something, even if it is not "your" holiday. It is a good holiday and everyone should have a special thanksgiving day. If life is hard right now, be thankful it isn't worse. It can be.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Jerry's Favorite Song

This came to mind a little while ago. He'd grin at me and say, "I do."

Rites and Passages

I had a call today from one of my landlords. Linda is such a nice person and I really like her. She's 64. I asked how she was and she said, "Today is the first anniversary of my husband's death." He was a very nice person, too. The call went long and that's o.k. I remember those days when I needed to talk and the only place to do that was here. 

In some ways it is very odd to hear my story repeated from someone else living it. There is a sense of a time warp, of someone stepping into your life without you knowing it. Imagine hearing your own voice over the phone: "Sometimes I stood in the house and screamed." "I found myself in the floor." "I find myself wishing I had not said some of the things I said." "I go to church but I find myself questioning..." Her voice, my words? My voice, her words? It is strange to hear how the blows you felt are being felt by the other person and you KNOW what they are like. 

So, I listened and re-lived my own hell in the sound of her words. And with each terrible moment, it felt very good to be able to say, "That's normal. You're not crazy." And she cried and said, "I'm so glad you said that."  I told her that it doesn't get better you just learn to adjust. 

And we don't get better. I've decided that we just become a better dancers. We dance around all the things that trip us up. And we keep dancing because people think we're better and that's less work than telling them the truth. That we're crippled for life because half of us is gone. 

Once in awhile, when I've had enough sleep and the pain is less, I look outside and wonder if there is life after death. Part of me wants there to be. But the impact of my experience is so great that I find it impossible to believe. You can't begin to imagine the emptiness that life can be. No wonder that God elected to fill the earth with life. It was void of everything that meant anything.

I know I'm at the next phase, the one where you are resigned and start looking outward. This is where sanity returns and you realize that you can actually get through most days without looking back. Linda has a long way to go. I don't tell her that. She said a friend of hers lost her husband when she was 48. Her friend said it took five years to recover. I guess I'm impatient. Jerry always said I was. But I'd like to be able to walk without the limp. I'd like to step out onto the floor and dance because I want to dance and not because I have to pretend. 

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

NaNoWriMo Day 22


For me, it is halfway through the work week. I'm off Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Yay. 

I've run completely out of steam. Seems like everything has just collapsed on top of me and I can't seem to dig out. Work is a monster. I'm so far behind and yet I still get calls from the clients of the case manager who got to take a vacation! And they know I'm behind because I've been doing work in another area that is NOT MY JOB! 

I'm so fed up because the person in charge sits on the phone all day and plays on the internet. All questions get referred back to the person who asked them! Because the person responsible for answering them doesn't know the answers. I spent 15 minutes helping a coworker find the answer to a question presented to the one in charge yesterday. That person never could answer the question so he ignored it. Even today when I pointed out the obvious he still could not make a decision on what was to be done. I finally told the case manager what to do and said document you efforts to get supervisor help. Does this sound like a cushie job? I think so. No, there is no one to complain to because I need my job. 

{sigh} Rant done.

I have some ideas for my nano novel but for the last several days I have been unable to write very much. My eyes were bothering me last night. A muscle twitching in my right lower lid. Nearly drove me crazy. It is a bit better today but I suspect it is caused by nearly 12 hrs a day on the computer. I spend 8 at work on the computer. Anyway, I'm using some eye drops to help with the dry eyes and I had some medicine for the sty I remembered and used that last night. Actually helped I think.

I had a late lunch. Took Mike to Cancun, the place where Sarah and I were in that video. He' not been there before and it is such a charming place I thought he'd like it. He did.

Now, back to work.  Hope your day is passing much more pleasantly than mine. 

Sunday, November 20, 2011

A Good Night's Sleep and a Morning Ramble

I feel almost normal. I did not make it to church. Mike called me in plenty of time but this is one time I knew if I didn't get the right amount of sleep it was going to get ugly. I'm up now and have just made a loop around the Multiply village checking out my contacts. Thank you to all of you who have stopped by and made comments. Sometimes you comments are the brightest spot in my day and I don't think I say thank you enough.

I keep a close check on the blogs, even it it may not seem like you hear from me. I read them. I always tell people that during the darkest days of my life, the people here were often the only light I saw. So, this thanksgiving, I'll give thanks for the best friends on the planet. Now if you can all catch a plane and come to my house for Thanksgiving, we'll have a great time! LOL, I know you can't but it is a lovely picture I can have in my head on Thursday.

That headache sat right there, just waiting to pounce again. I took a pile of stuff last night and went to bed praying I could dig it out. This morning I slept until I woke up. I still felt sleepy but a few minutes on my feet and a cup of coffee and I'm fine. No headache, very little pain (most high praise to God!) and a bit of a smile.

I really think I hurt my ankle in that fall two weeks ago. Good grief I sound like an OLD woman! I remember climbing around the Alps for goodness sake! Not sheer cliffs, mind you... nearly fell off the mountain (another story if I have not told it) but if you've walked in the Alps in S. Germany you know the path around the castles are not a walk in the park. I've camped in the woods, cooked breakfast on an open fire, and then took a hike! I've climbed trees (admittedly when I was in my teens although there was that one time), and I've climbed a few bluffs to look at waterfalls. Despite all the risk you can face in those environments, I never fell but one little step in an apartment building and splat. Very humiliating! The ankle is "tetchy" as they used to say. It works but it is not happy.

Sunday is gloomy and the temp 61F. I have not been outside but the house isn't very cool so it must be ok. The heat just kicked on and it only does that if it drops below 69F in here. I'm dressed in flannel PJ pants and my comfy black long-sleeved T and pink slippers all tucked up on my sofa. It is a good place to be for the moment. No, I have not started writing for the day. I'm giving the boys (Simon, Striker, and Quinn) time to get up from their fictional beds and start doing SOMETHING!

I sent Chris a copy of my intro piece on Striker. She's not commented on what she felt about Striker when she read it. But she did tell me if was very, very good and felt a bit James Bond. My love for Sean Connery is finally exposed! And Roger Moore. And Pierce Brosnen.vBut Sean will remain in my heart as the first.

Let me clear the confusion since most have not read any of the story. No, Simon is not James Bond. He can shoot but Simon does not do guns. They're messy. And tend to be unpredictable. He says he's a lover not a fighter. That's probably true. But he is trained in martial arts and he will fight as a last resort, usually to save his own skin. He is a very special kind of industrial spy so to speak. He is psychic, can "read" minds to some degree and has a special ability to "get into" peoples dreams as they sleep and obtain and insert information.

When I say "read" and "see" do not get confused with the common psychic. He doesn't sit and look at you and "know" your thoughts. He can pick up on them, he can sense other people in an area, he can see images that you are thinking in some fashion and in some limited way but by no means is this ability like the one depicted on television. He calls the things he gets "data" and they, particularly the "dream retrievals", have to be analysed after the fact to see if anything useful can be pulled from it. He works for an agency called Horus. You know, the Egyptian eye symbol called Wedjat (meaning whole or healthy). That's the agency symbol. These are NOT nice people, by the way.

Some of the information I found was amazing, to me anyway. I didn't know the history of the symbol and current modern definition give is an occult meaning, which it may, in fact, have. I'm not trying to debate it. I just needed something that seemed to fit my fictional agency. The fact that they lean to Egyptian decor helped and explained the direction of their company. So, I did research on that symbol and it is broken down into parts, that represents fractions. Very interesting to read about it being used as a mathematical equation as stated here: The Eye of Horus. The broken parts are also said to represent the five senses. One of those parts actually has to do with "thought" as shown here: The Eye or The Ujdat. So, you can understand when I tell you that when I was researching the eye I got a little freaked because everything seemed to fit with my story.

Now that you're all totally confused and/or bored, we'll move on.

Oh... it isn't just gloomy! It is raining! You know Evansville has got to be the gloomiest place anywhere! Take me home to Dixie! Let me stand on Gulf Shores with the summer sun beating on my skin, my feet in hot sand and an ocean breeze blowing in my face. Let me live in a house where I can hear the sounds of whippoorwills and birds at night and smell the pines that grow for miles and miles!

Oh, welcome to Tori, a new friend. I think she's in Germany.

Several of you mentioned yesterday the word "ramble" in connection to my posts. I suppose they are. I've never defined them as much else. If you start reading it in January 2009 it's a horror story. If you go further back, it something else. Still, it probably is a ramble in it own right. I'm trying to convert anyone, but I'm a Christian and it reflects that at times. It isn't declaring a political stance. I'm a conservative and it reflects that at times. It isn't a road map on how to live your life although I've got pretty strong opinions as to that. It is written thought rolling out and onto the screen as I think it. Sometimes I plan. Sometimes I don't. What you get, is what you see. And this is pretty much the way I live. There are glimpses into my family, who are not perfect but sometimes funny. There are glimpses into my heart of which only half remains. There are rants and sermons. I write this blog for me. If others find something they enjoy, then I've done a good thing.

I've said this before but I will again. I have people who read the "grief" part of this blog ask me why I leave my blog open. My contacts know this because they've lived it with me. I don't encourage people to read it because it is painful and exposes my insides in a very ...well to me, horrible way. The feedback from those who have read it was profoundly positive. I've had suggestions to publish it but I still can't go back and read it. So, I left it open.

The rest of the blog is open because if I close myself off I defeat the purpose of the blog. I have about 30 of the most wonderful people I've ever not met here, well except for Kat and Lisa and Cheryl. We've met! If I had closed it, if I didn't take my rambles... I'd have missed that. That would have been a great misfortune for me.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Final Del Dia

Every moment of my day is not this important. However, it is nearly over and that is probably noteworthy. My headache had clung to me like a bad smell. Not completely there and not gone. Blasted thing!

I've just got home. I left Abbey Road and the Unplugged open mic night. Actually, had it not been for this head, I might have enjoyed that. Not sure. The guy who owns it was surprisingly entertaining and not a bad singer. The kid he had up next was not either but he was young and thought so. I didn't get to hear the "real" acts because I'd been there three hours writing and was ready to find a dark place to crawl into. The crowd was a bit strange... not. . . well, just different. Probably very nice. I don't do crowds well unless I'm teaching. {shrug}

The writing... crawling along with me. I'm three days down in the count. What can I say?

The End of the Day has arrived. Gloria a Dios!


Whatever! I'm sitting in a Panera that is jam packed with people...well, it was when I got here and it is just now thinned. So much for the lunch alone idea. Actually I don't like lunching alone but I've had to make myself do this frequently since Jerry died. Thirty-five years is a lot of breakfasts, lunches, and dinners. I went from Mama to Jerry and there were precious few solitary meals. And I still do not like it. I wouldn't eat if I had a choice. Why am I not thin? No, svelt? You can't be built like Dolly and be svelt... although she has the teeniest waist and little feet. Where is this going!

Probably these Toffee Nut cookies. That's why I'm not thin. They are to die for and I can't resist them. But I've had my salad and that's healthy. LOL, funny memory... Jerry said he liked a woman he could hold on to. {shakes head} He was a little nuts but in a nice way.

I am sitting skimming the web for interesting things. {sigh} I'm seen most of it. It's just like cable television, pretty much the same thing on every channel. I tend to stick with sites that I actually find content on that teaches me something, entertains in some sensible fashion, or simply soothes my spirit. Lately I'm blogging like a fiend.

Sensible. It's up there near the fashion. I've been sensible a long time. Maybe I should try something else. I'll think about it. ........ That's the sensible thing to do.

I'm avoiding writing. You know this, right?

Anyone know when things are supposed to become fun? I didn't get the memo.

Ok, I think I should probably give up the table and stop getting refills. You know, you can save a lot of money on that $11 meal just by hanging around for a couple of hours and getting refills! LOL, that's sensible, too.

There are two ladies behind me talking about prophecy and precognition, in the religious sense. They were talking about something else earlier but this one lady is a real talker. I'd like to sit a little closer so I could hear more but that'd be really rude. I considered turning around and ask if I can blatantly listen. But that isn't who I am. I have relatives who would do that. I just shamelessly eavesdrop.

All right. This has probably taken enough writing time so that I can now get up and go home. Honestly, I had a raging migraine earlier and had to take an Imetrex. In hindsight, I think that yesterday's melt down may have been a precursor. I felt when I got up that I should just go back to bed. The whole day was off. I was really bad last night and this morning, boom.

I'm out of here. They want their table back. Four p.m. I'm at Abbey Road and if no one shows, I'm probably going to just go home. I feel really tired, normal after a migraine of this magnitude. Think Richter scale. Maybe a 5 or 6. You don't want to know about the 12's. They involve vomiting.

Oh... forgot... Sarah.

Saturday Workout

Now, y'all know I'm not going to be doing anything like that title suggest. I do have plans after November to go back to the gym but November... I am getting plenty of exercise, thank you very much. Sort of dreading December.....

I woke up at 7:30! That wasn't on the agenda for today. I had a terrible time last night. Haven't had a meltdown in .... months. Gee, someone say "It gets better." I'll slap you. No, it doesn't. You adapt, making room for the meltdowns. As a result, I feel a bit crappy today.

Now, what is on the agenda? Sue couldn't come clean yesterday so she is supposed to come today. I have plans to write and right the word count if at all possible. Simon is NOT cooperating. He is a contrary fellow and I love him. Just need him to DO something besides look pretty. He's sooo difficult to write at times.

Next, lunch... alone.

Write In at Abbey Road at 4 p.m. Come Write-In.... all the writers who attend are invited to stay for UNPLUGGED at 6 p.m. That is some kind of open mic night. Musicians come in and show their stuff. So a evening of artist. I can't stay long if I stay at all.

Sarah to be picked up. She informed her mother (have I told this already) that she had not seen me in 3 months! And that she had not been to church in two months. Now folks, this is a gross exaggeration. I have seen her in the last couple of weeks. It is true about church. But my aunt and uncle were here and my sister was here after her surgery. She went home last Friday. At any rate, I will pick her up this evening and she will spend the night. I hope she sleeps because by bedtime I'm going to be a zombie.

Note to self: make sure hair is brushed in an appropriate non zombie style. Hair. It is driving me a bit nuts. Actually, it is very nice to just comb it and go. I'd forgotten. But... I'm very self conscious about it. And it gets a bit well, odd when I bump into people I know and they say, rather loudly, "OH you're hair! It looks beautiful down. You're so pretty!" I'm not vain. I never thought so. It is just so ostentatious when they do it that I sort of cringe, with a smile and say thank you. And later I think about that tag... You're so pretty! What did they think before?

Friday, November 18, 2011

Friday Night On the Town

Hardly. Panera Bread. My write-in starts at 7 p.m.. I am not expecting anyone. That's ok. I'm not really in the mood for company but if they show, I'll be nice and have a good time. I'm always scintillating company, even when I feel like crap... tell me, is crap a nicer word than hell. Cause I was going to say hell and it just seemed like a bad word but I'm rethinking it.

The story has stalled out and I'm now two days behind in word count but oddly enough, I'm not going to kill myself over it. I've wanted to kill myself over worse and didn't, so I think I'm safe. What I really wish is that I had gone down a different route. Toooo late!

I'm a bit put out tonight. It's been a very rough week and I'm so far behind in paperwork that I can't even begin to see the end of the mess. I work three days next week and that should be cause for celebration. But when faced with the daunting mound of files and papers... I almost would rather work than face the holiday season.

I absolutely despise this time of year. There is nothing, nothing, nothing good about it. I have this awful dread of two flipping days! Then four days next month. I hate feeling this Damoclean threat. Oh I know it's just emotion. I'm emotional.. go figure! I sat around most of the day and wanted to cry for no reason. Well, there were a few but it wouldn't have taken much. If I'd moved the same stack of files one more time they would have found me bawling in a corner.

Ok, ok, ok. I've felt wonderful for a month. So what's the deal? I....don't....know. I've changed my hair style. Maybe that's is. I'm trying to accept age gracefully. {wild laughter here} No, I'm going kicking and screaming and fighting it every step of the way. Could be hormones but highly unlikely....unless I forgot.

Really, I'm just very sad. That is the only word that sums it up. I want someone to make me laugh. Really laugh and mean it. Not that fake thing I've gotten good at. I'd like to feel something beside a hollow longing for impossible things.

My God, getting out of a grave is much harder than getting in one.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

The Value of Inmates

We're mid-way through the 30 days of insanity that is NaNoWriMo. I'm not doing so well. I think my story is dying and I'd like to put it out of its misery ... but I need another 25,000 words. Or a loaded weapon.

As a result of NaNoWriMo and Thanksgiving, the Asylum had no meetings this month. I'm suffering withdrawal. These are people I rely on to keep me sane and grounded and to slap me around when I need it. They offer me encouragement, affection, and a good talking, too. Some even have lunch with me now and then! So not getting to see them twice a month is difficult. It is also a testament to the value of insane friends. 

If you were to see my writing group together the first thing you'd probably notice is the age range - 18-55. Well, there are only six of us. Then, you'd notice we are all very different. We don't just look different, we exude different. We come from different backgrounds, jobs, and probably faiths. Yet we still like one another very much. Well, I like them very much. Might need to do a poll on this.

I have a personal friend who ridiculed the idea of a "writing group". He felt it a waste of time. After three years of participation in one, I don't know how I ever managed without them. And had I had this sooner, I suspect my writing would have become something more than it is now. 

So writing group won't hurt you one bit. It could help you become a better writer. I could keep you focused and writing. Or it might save your sanity. Of course, the sanity of this particular group is debatable but their hearts are in the right place. 

So, to my wonderful Inmates, I love and miss you. Hope to see you soon!

7 Weird Things

I had a thought this week, while getting in the shower no less. I thought about the odd things we all do and how those that know us probably have no idea that we do them. I tried to think of seven things that I do that would be considered weird or odd, if you don't like the weird appellation. I decided to see if I could come up with seven.

1. I shower in the dark. My kids say this is weird. Not a tub bath, a shower. I like it. I have a nightlight in my bathroom and outside the window, that is in the shower area, there is a halogen light that lights up that end of the yard at night. I never used to take a shower in the dark but after I had the bath redone, I began doing it because I still need to get a cover over the glass. LOL, NO you can't SEE in! I have a frosted pane over it. But I was uncomfortable with it for a bit, even though it was frosted like the previous window. So, until I got used to it, I just turned the light off. Now, I love taking a shower in the dark. LOL last week I bought some tiny battery operated "fake" candles. I now put them on the upper sash of the window. Nice.

2. I can't sleep with my back to the bedroom door. I don't know why. I have never ever liked it. When he was not off working somewhere, Jerry slept on the door side of the bed and I was fine but after he died I had to switch sides of the bed.

3. I don't like things out of place. I mean, seriously. I straighten pictures when I notice them. I straighten chairs. I rearrange my clothes in the closet by color and length. It is due for this again soon. I arrange the items in the pantry by type of food, container, and size. I get in an absolute panic if clutter stays around for more than three days. Seriously, this got worse after Jerry died. So, I'm thinking OCD. 

4. I can tell when someone has been in my house when I wasn't home. I don't know how I know this. I'm seldom wrong about it. Usually it is a family member and they have keys but it still bugs me. I expect them to call me. Becca does because she knows.

5. I have dreams that happen. i.e. I've dreamed people died and they did. This is even weird to me. Science says it is impossible but I still keep doing it. Since my pain is under control and I'm sleeping more, I'm dreaming more. I'm nervous about it.

6. I pray in my car... a lot. Hey, you talk on your cell phone! I'm less likely to have an accident than you. And I'll be ready.

7. Actually, I have been unable to think of anything weird for this one. I may come up with something later. I could put that I know everything but that's not weird. That's just obnoxious. 

So, I will leave it at that. 

What about you?

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

My Idea of Sexy Music

I know. I know! That is not something you'd generally see on my blog. If I'd said romantic you'd have been fine with it, right? Admit it, you would. Why would I lie?

I have, I think, mostly women on my blog... gee, only women! Anyway, my point is that music can be good music and romantic (for those offended by sexy) I'm pretty picky about my music. I tend to be an oldies kind of gal. When I say "oldies" I'm not just talking 50's, 60's and 70's. I mean.. really old. Jerry and I liked classical music. I got him hooked so bad that when he was driving the truck, he had to have a cd of it with him to play when he turned in for the night. We both though this music was . . . well... whichever you prefer. We both liked it.

One of my contacts put up a video of The Piano Guys playing the Charlie Brown theme and I loved it. I'd never heard of them. So when I looked them up, I found a veritable cornucopia of music by them. They are brilliant. I loved it! And they give new meaning to classical rock!

So, tell me this isn't primal. All I can say is WOW!

NaNoWriMo Day 16

Actually, the day is pretty rotten but I'm still afloat. The sun has just now peeked out of the grey morass of clouds. And as shown above, day 16 of NaNo. I've passed the 25,000 word mark so we'll see. It should be down hill from here. Although the stats bar on the site is uphill! I do think my  story is dead. 

I am really sorry I've not been around too much but I'm just really busy. Work is so hectic the last few weeks. We opened the waiting list and have around 2000 apps to enter into the system. So busy. This is not part of MY job. So, I have my other duties on top of this. Mind you, I'm not entering all those apps myself. There are about 7 of us. Still, it is a lot and will take a while.

In more serious news... I'm feeling pretty terrific! Well, really well. Not much pain to speak of... occasional pain in the neck and my ankles have been hurting. Don't know what that's about. Still, over all, I feel really good.

My mood has been a bit up and down but then when is it not? I don't know if I'll ever get that fixed. It is survivable at this point. I am working on a video blog from the last two days. I know how very much you all just love those! 

I'm not happy with my hair! It is a mess. I'm tired of putting it up and have been leaving it hanging. It's so looooong. I don't mind that. I used to have it longer but I had hair problems after Jerry died. fell out.  But now, I've got stuff growing back that is short. A pain, that. People have been saying "OH! I love your hair down." Now... I am a bit skeptical of flatterers. I like my hair down but find it hard to believe other people feel the same. Jerry loved it down, too. And it is a lot easier to just let it hang. For now, I'll save the updo's for something special. But all that grey is beginning to get me down. So to dye or not to dye... folks, I don't honestly care. Hair color is one of those things I don't obsess over. It just is and I fail to see what all the fuss is about. If I like the color, I'll say so. If I don't like it I won't say much unless you ask me. Then, I'll be kind but truthful. My thing is the less I have to do in upkeep, the happier I am. Time was meant to be spent on things that are important. This isn't much.

The ML duties are not difficult and the write-ins are good for me. If I do it next year, I'll be better prepared and have everything set up before October. But for now... I'm not making huge efforts to "do" stuff. Write-ins are about it. I have a tentative idea for a TGIO gathering but honestly, I don't want to do it. By November 30 you can stick a fork in me.

All right, I'm going to get back to work. 

Monday, November 14, 2011

Blue Monday

I don't really know why I'm feeling so bummed out. I'm not hurting anywhere, well, not major pain. Manageable stuff. Slight shoulder pain is the most noticeable but the weather has changed over night. It's 72 here today and cloudy. So, I'm guessing a migraine is attempting to get a hold on me.

I'm just overwhelmingly sad. Have been for days. I can laugh about stuff, watch t.v., goof off, play in the forums but there is just this hole blasted in me that I can't seem to fill up. And I do keep trying. I've kept busy with the write-ins and writing every night. All my family has disappeared but that's not the problem. I was busier when I had guests but that only keeps this thing at bay for a short time. They call. I call. 

I keep saying that it will eventually go away. It just won't exist anymore. I go around finding things to do, people to talk to, places to go, whatever. At the end of the day, I'm still sitting here with a crater in my life. Please do not give me platitudes, however well intentioned they are.  I thank you in advance for your compassion. It just doesn't really help me. Truthfully, you probably can't.

January 29 will be three years. I can't believe that. This morning, in the bathroom of all places, I had a thought. Life is like a cloth bag of sand. It trickles out slowly through the weave until you punch a hole in it. Then, just try holding on to it and stopping that hole. Your whole perspective of time shifts when someone close dies. What was once long days that seemed to drag on now become days that you didn't even realize had passed. In the blink of an eye, it's gone. Time slips away and the vacancies in it are more pronounced, more obvious to you. You feel them, like something flying past and striking you.

That's the way it feels anyway. And... eventually, you're holding an empty bag.

I'm not depressed. Believe me, I know the difference in depression and sadness. What I feel is not depression. 

I'm don't believe it can be fixed. 

That's the most frustrating thought of all.

Saturday, November 12, 2011

NaNoWriMo Day 12

NaNoWriMo Day 9

Up & At 'Em

Woke up with a terrible sore throat and headache right behind my eyes! Not a migraine, thank goodness but still annoying. Swallowing is terrible! I have a write-in at 1 so must get it together. I'm only posting because ... I have no idea.

It is a sunny, sunny day and 52F. Too cold to go without a jacket. I need to go out and get some supplies but I don't want to go. 

I'm really annoyed about the sore throat. No idea where I picked it up but people come in go in my office and some of the clients, not the co-workers, are just nasty. I handle paper that sometimes looks like I need rubber gloves. So, anywhere. I try to be really careful because of the medicine I take but still, invariable, something catches me. [sigh]

Bummer day in my word count, too. I didn't quite make it yesterday. I just wasn't into it and even though I tried, I got so tired last night I simply crashed. So, today I try and catch up. That's never good in NaNo.

Friday, November 11, 2011

Funky Friday

I'm eleven days into NaNo. I haven't done today's word count and I may not. I've been doing fine but tonight is the first night I've had alone in oh, three weeks. My sister felt well enough to go back to her house tonight. She's doing much better after getting more rest. 

But I realized as soon as the house got quiet that I'm really tired. I've been running on full speed for a while and maybe I've just run out of gas. I don't know. I've been in a funky sort of mood all day. When I'm like this I'm my own worst enemy. I say too much, think too much, and I listen to everything I think. I know. That makes no sense but I understand it. 

My mind is moving at a tremendous rate which is somehow very interesting. If you've read over my blogs you know that my mind has been pretty much out to lunch for a while. But not this last several weeks. It seems that the doors have been opened and the windows throw up and lots of light, in the form of thoughts, ideas, and totally impossible schemes are just pouring in. 

I don't KNOW what that means.  And no, I have no idea what precipitated it. I've learned in my astronomically short life not to questions the good things. Take them for granted. By astronomically I mean my age when compared to the life of stars as opposed to my age compared to yours. We're both pretty  young my way. I'll take as much clearheadedness as I can absorb but it is almost overwhelming at times.

Does darkness creep in or lurk nearby? You know when I even write the word I see it. I can feel it. Darkness. The inscribed word takes on a feeling, a presence, a form. I've described it other places in the blog. Suffice it to say, I know darkness intimately. And the answer to the question is yes. Once it has been a part of you, it always hang around. At the moment, he's over in the corner biding his time. Sometimes he touches me. It is not a loving touch. I have a healthy respect for it because I know that one wrong move and it can envelope me in smothering folds.

Why am I writing this post? If I had the answer to every question I'd have nothing to wonder about and lots of money.  I'd be on a beach in some island hideaway soaking up Vitamin D by the gallon. 

I don't know. It seemed like a good thing to do. I told you, funky mood. All day like this. 

Wednesday, November 9, 2011

Busy Bee

I called in sick today. My lower back is bugging me. I think I slept wrong but it could be because I spent most of the day yesterday, my day off, not getting up from my chair enough. I spent time writing and chatting online and I actually slept in a little. I went to lunch with Dave, Becca and Sarah. If you've seen the video you know that was fun.

Speaking of videos, is anyone having trouble loading them at Multiply? I've actually started loading them on Youtube and using the embed feature because Multiply just is harder than ever to upload. At least this way they cross over to Blogger when the post does.

Today, I'm working on files I brought home on Monday to work on on Tuesday which I did not do. I'll be done in a few hours I suspect. It is just reviewing them to see if they have all the required documents. Tedious and something I never have time for when I'm actually AT work! And these are people who never read their check sheet, or think they are smarter than I am and that I won't notice unreported items, or they're lazy and dont' show up for their appointment and are missing everything!

So, I'm reviewing files. I have about 25 on my desk at work I need to process and another 25 here I'm working on! It is endless.

The NaNo story is going ok. Not brilliant but it is plodding along. I'm probably putting in a lot of junk but it keeps me moving and I do like some of the lines I've got so far. Simon is a very entertaining character to write. I haven't had to consult my British friends yet but I have spent a lot of time looking up slang terms to use. I forgot that a flashlight is a torch in Britian. My problem is Simon has been a world traveler so long that he's less British and more Cosmo. So, while things from his youth and upbringing hang on, it isn't as if I have to pour colloquialisms into it. I need just enough to flavor it so the reader gets it.

I've managed to beat the darkness back that has sort of crept up on me a few days ago. I still feel relatively good. Pain is still there but minor compared to what it has been. I can deal with it for the most part. My brain is what is shocking! Really. It is as if I got this shot of awake and for the most part I can think! You have no idea how that feels! I simply do not know how anyone can do drugs and keep their brain in a cloud of nothing. I hate it.

Ok, back to work. I need to be done in two hours so I can work on my NaNo story.

I'm sorry I've been MIA again but you all know I do this every year and this year it is more hectic than usual and I'm so excited to be, lol, awake that I just haven't had time to blog!

Monday, November 7, 2011

A Dixie NaNo Update

From The Over 40 Crowd

This was sent to me by a co-worker and I was in tears after reading it. Hysterical tear. If you're offended by swear word, I apologize but hey, I'm not sure I haven't been there a few times.

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning.... Uphill....Barefoot... BOTH ways...yadda, yadda, yadda

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!
But now that I'm over the ripe old age of forty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.  You've got it so easy!  I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!  And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!

1) I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet.  If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!  

2) There was no email!!  We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen!  Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there!  Stamps were 10 cents!

3) Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us.  As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!

4) There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes!  If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!

5) Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!  There were no CD players!  We had tape decks in our car.  We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless.  Cause, hey, that's how we rolled, Baby!  Dig?

6) We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting!  If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it!

7) There weren't any freakin' cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn't make a damn call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your "friends". OH MY GOSH !!!  Think of the horror... not being in touch with someone 24/7!!!  And then there's TEXTING.  Yeah, right.  Please!  You kids have no idea how annoying you are.

8) And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was!  It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent.... you just didn't know!!!  You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!

9) We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics!  We had the Atari 2600!  With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'...  Your screen guy was a little square!  You actually had to use your imagination!!!  And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen.. Forever!  And you could never win.  The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died!  Just like LIFE!

10) You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing!  You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!!  NO REMOTES!!!  Oh, no, what's the world coming to?!?!

11) There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning.  Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bastards!

12) And we didn't have microwaves.  If we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove!  Imagine that!  
13) And our parents told us to stay outside and play... all day long.  Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort.  And if you came back inside... you were doing chores!

14) And car seats - oh, please!  Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on.  If you were lucky, you got the "safety arm" across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place!  

See!  That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled rotten!  You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1970   or any time before!

The Over 40 Crowd

Saturday, November 5, 2011

True Story

Tonight my sister and I were just discussing fashion and how certain things just are beyond belief in discomfort. I told her that I felt like the high heel was invented during the Inquisition by men. It wasn't enough to have a woman drawn and quartered, they wanted her to strut her stuff down a runway first.

She said, "No it was a Frenchman, the Marquis de Sade."

She mentioned that the bra was another fashion item invented by men. She said, "Titzling."

I said, "He's German."

I also suggested the heels may have originated with Louis 14, he of the red heels.

She said, "That's one sick bunch."

I asked if she had seen these reports of men now wearing high heels. She said, "Lord yes, and carrying purses."

I said, "God, give me a real man wearing cowboy boots, tight jeans, and a hat."

She said, "There are some men saying the same thing."

To Much Thinking

I'm trying to figure out why, with all the busyness going one around here, that I can't keep my feelings upbeat. I have all these really great people I'm related to, associated with, acquainted with... whatever. They send me lovely notes, funny jokes, and even hugs. And I feel like crap.

No, really, not sick but just annoyingly sad. Every single thing in my life has this overlay of sad. Yes, everything. All the colors are muted by this film of sad. Do you remember seeing books, usually anatomy books, that had these pictures of the skeleton and these clear overlays with different organs and layers of the body. First the internal organs, then circulatory system, neverous systems, muscles, ligaments, dermis... If you do you're really really old. But that's what its like. All this underlying good stuff, overlain by this grey yuck called sad.

Maybe I'm over thinking this. Godliness with contentment is great gain. Well... duh! I have no quarrel with the godliness part. I try really hard. Haven't attained perfection yet. We're all in a hurry to get there without really considering what that means. Once you're done here folks, you're done! So, take your time with the perfection thing, do it right the first time.

No, its that contentment thing. Maybe that's overrated. I have no idea what it looks like really. Sometimes I think I might have clue but I then find I was mistaken. And I keep asking myself, have I always been discontent? Has there always been this habit of seeing everything with that grey film? I don't remember!

I keep saying, to myself mostly, that life was meant to be enjoyed and I need to do that. Well, I'm glad I'm not dead. Does this count?

Friday, November 4, 2011

And Friday Rolled In

Gloomy, cold, and damp. At least it isn't raining but the forecast is
for sun! Right.

I have a headache this morning, only a slight one. I didn't sleep well
last night either. I had a bad moment or two. I went to the cemetery
on my way home from work. Let me just say that cemeteries are not
cheerful places on a good day. On a cold, rainy, grey day they're even
worse. I started feeling a bit down around three o'clock. On an
average day my co-workers don't bug me a lot, because I don't let
them. But yesterday, some of them just got on my nerves and it was
silly things that I'd usually ignore.

Suffice it to say, I finished the day tired and depressed. So, hey!
Why not stop by and visit the dead! Good idea. Not.

Look, I've had a terrific two weeks of no pain, or nearly no pain.
I've been able to think and write. All the stuff going on at the
moment has got me a bit frazzled and I'm thinking that is the problem.

Forget that. I'm lying. To myself. Sleep hasn't been as good this
week. I'm not used to having people in the house and even though
they're no trouble at all obviously, house guest always change the
dynamics of your day. Still, I can deal with that. No, what I think is
happening is November. Thanksgiving is coming. Christmas is coming.
New Year is coming and January 29 is coming. NaNoWriMo is a busy time
for me and keeps me occupied but at the same time, I'm slammed with
this absence, this hole in the holiday, every blasted year.

You've all tolerated a lot over the last x number of years. I'll be
very honest here. There is this woman in my head. I don't really know
her but I see her as clearly as if she were in front of me. If I
thought about it I could probably describe what she's wearing.
Seriously. She appeared the night Jerry died. She stands with hands on
either side of her head, covering her ears, her eyes squeezed shut and
she is screaming. Some days, when it was truly bad, she came out.
These days I try really hard to ignore her. She doesn't stop. I don't
know how to make her.

I know. Can't be good. But there you go.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

The Green Thing

I love this! SO true.

In the line at the store, the cashier told an older woman that she
should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren't good
for the environment.

The woman apologized to him and explained, "We didn't have the green
thing back in my day."

The clerk responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did
not care enough to save our environment."

He was right -- our generation didn't have the green thing in its day.

Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to
the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and
sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and
over. So they really were recycled.

But we didn't have the green thing back in our day.

We walked up stairs, because we didn't have an escalator in every
store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn't
climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two

But she was right. We didn't have the green thing in our day.

Back then, we washed the baby's diapers because we didn't have the
throw-away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling
machine burning up 220 volts -- wind and solar power really did dry
the clothes. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or
sisters, not always brand-new clothing. But that old lady is right; we
didn't have the green thing back in our day.

Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every
room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief
(remember them?), not a screen the size of the state of Montana.

In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have
electric machines to do everything for us.

When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used a wadded
up old newspaper to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap.

Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut
the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised
by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on
treadmills that operate on electricity.

But she's right; we didn't have the green thing back then.

We drank from a fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup
or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water.

We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we
replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the
whole razor just because the blade got dull.

But we didn't have the green thing back then.

Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their
bikes to school or walked instead of turning their moms into a 24-hour
taxi service.

We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets
to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a computerized gadget
to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in
order to find the nearest pizza joint.

But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old
folks were just because we didn't have the green thing back then?

Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a
lesson in conservation from a smarta** young person.

The Green Thing

Oh What a Week

I can't believe I haven't posted since the first of the week! I've
been so busy. I do NOT want to rehash it.

My sister had surgery on Monday and she's been discharged today. She
seems to be doing well but of course now comes recovery time.

Nano, of course started on Monday. I've been trying to keep up with
the regional board and a Facebook group page for the region. It is a
bit hectic but I'm beginning to get a handle on it. I'm answering post
and emails and answering questions for that. I also am writing my own
novel. I'm current in my word count as of last night. Tonight, I'll
have to do my 1666 to stay current. But I'm not giving myself any
grief over this. I'll do what I can and that's it.

I have a write-in to host tomorrow night at Panera. I have a write-in
to host Saturday afternoon at Abbey Road Coffee Emporium. My region is
climbing in numbers. Two weeks ago I think it was about 340-35, have
to check my blogs. Today, it is at 389 people registered with my
region.  That's wild. Of course, I'll never see all of them but the 50
newbies could pop up at a write-in. That'd be a shocker for me! Panera
might be able to handled it and Abbey Road says they can but I dunno!

Still do not have tremendous amounts of pain. I've been saying the a
couple of days the weather was going to change and it did. The hip and
right lower back at my hip has hurt the last two days and it stormed
last night.  The hip felt as if I was begin hit with a sledge hammer.
But neck and shoulder have been just fine. Thank you, God! All over
pain levels are dramatically down. I find myself getting afraid at
every twinge. I've felt so great, so clear headed that I'm terrified
it will go away.

Finally, the lines that were expected for applications dissipated by
10:00 a.m. and now it is a trickle. I'm glad. I can get my own work
done! It was very orderly and no problems but some folks had sat out
there all night! Crazy. Doesn't make the wait any shorter. They feel
like they'll get on faster but there are other things that affect how
fast we process them. So a day won't make a considerable difference.

My friend Loraine is having surgery today. Keep her in your prayers.
She was quite upbeat about it but obviously when you're cut open it is
serious. This is a reconstruction surgery after a colonectomy. Not
sure that's a word but it is what it is. She's been doing very well
since the first surgery and now just wants it all done so she can move
on to other things that are more fun.

Everyone have a good day. It is rainy and gloomy here but the red
leaves across the street are quite cheerful!