Wednesday, December 29, 2010

What's Happening in My World?

Rain, strain, and pain.

Payback for minor accomplishments -- Unable to walk when I got up, severe leg pain, back pain, and hand pain.

Now, I'm headed to the pharmacy to pick up some refills.

Monday, December 27, 2010

The Monday Morning Drag

It is a new dance, I think. You get out of bed and one leg drags along beside you. The right calf muscle refused to cooperate this morning. Yep. Just didn't want to get up. So, I hobbled along and dragged it with me. Felt pretty much like the devil had a fork in it.

No idea.

But it is Monday. And it is a drag. Lights went out at 3 a.m. Yes they did. I turned them out so I know. I was watching old movies all evening. I watched one called Sitting Pretty with Robert Young and Maureen O'Hara. It was a delightful and funny movie. The last one was one I vaguely remembered from my youth - Bunny Lake is Missing. It was a really good movie and I couldn't turn it off. I watched Tobbaco Road and found it both insulting and sad. I'd never seen it before. I wonder if anyone ever realized back then that it was an insulting jab at the south? Wondered if anyone ever wondered it that was real and if so, how it got that way?

It is no wonder that the conception of Southerners is so rude in so many places. I've met people all over the world who looked down their nose at me because I was from "The SOUTH" and said so to my face. When I was young it shocked me and I didn't understand it. But I didn't watch a lot of movies. It wasn't until I was older that I realized where much of the intellect of those idiots had been developed.

Anyway, I went to bed at 3 and got up at about 9. My usual six hours seems to be the norm. I had virtually no back pain and very little leg pain. Only when I got up. My neck, on the other hand, it a pain.

I'm going to get dressed and get some stuff done, I think. I am getting hungry and have to take my meds so maybe some lunch will be nice. I wonder if my favorite restaurant is open? No fun going alone, though. And I don't really feel like treating everyone. But I could do it.... I may.

Ok, gone for now.

Sunday, December 26, 2010

The Morning After Christmas

I went to bed late last night, probably around midnight. I was in total pain by then. Lower back, upper back, legs, and hands. I've only had that much pain at one time in the last year around memorial day when the upper back pain started. Let me just say that around 1 a.m. I was beside myself.

I finally got to sleep but I don't know what time it was and I woke at around 8 or 9 a.m. It is now noon. I've done nothing but lie on the sofa and mess with the computer, reading bizarre articles and changing my photo here. Back is hurting but the pain is minimal for me... meaning I'm not cringing and wincing. But I'm not moving very much.

I like those sappy paintings of families having fun in the snow or of warm rooms where you just know people will be entering laughing. Just nostalgia, yearning for something I vaguely remember and long for again. The eternal longing to go home is very nearly overwhelming for me at times. I don't think they tell you this when you are growing up. No one says, "Oh, by the way, there will be a day when you would give your right arm to go home one more time and it will be forever impossible because home will be gone. Just remember that." I'm telling you now just in case no one told you either.

I had my children here for the last two days and I think it probably was the closest to a normal holiday we've had in a long time. If Mike had not been such an ass it would have been perfect. He has his moments where he is just great and then, boom. His present was to be money. Well, as of Friday, my debit card stopped working. The bank was closed. I offered to write a check and he said he couldn't get it deposited until Monday. I know, I should have done it before the holiday closing but I have to work and couldn't get to the bank before they closed. But he seemed ok with it. I did get him some gifts but not a lot. I think he got a bit upset about it but he was reacting to everything and bickering with Dave and anyone else who crossed his path. A couple of times I had to threaten to kick him out. He just doesn't recognize jokes very well. And he and Dave never get along anymore. That's both their fault but it gets tiresome. Dave gets tired of listening to Mike's idea of amusing comments. They are usually insults they banter back and forth. I hate it. It is juvenile. If Mike could take the rejoinders it would be fine but he can't. Dave's are usually better. Dave tried very hard this weekend not to do that and succeeded pretty well in not letting Mike get to him but Mike has no brakes. He takes every single thing personally and assumes any suggestion of a criticism is directed at him. Even when it isn't. So, anything he could pick at he picked at. I had to stop him a couple of times to tell him everything was not ABOUT him.

I'm at the point now I just tell him he's nuts and he needs to get over it. Sorry, but I've had it. I can't take care of him and he needs to get a grip and just get over it. Life is not kind and neither is most of the world. I'm not going to be here forever and I'm tired of being in the middle. The rule is now, and has been for some time, if you can't keep your mouth shut and say something nice, then do not come to my house. I don't want to hear it.

Ok, that was unexpected...

We had a good dinner and we sat around a bit. Cleaning up the mess was fun.... right. Dave and Becca stayed after everyone else left and we played a couple of games. I was just so tired but I did enjoy the games.

Now, I'm going to get dressed and try to go take Mike and Patricia to lunch and give him his present. That will soothe the troubled waters of Mike's mood. Really, take him to lunch and he is ecstatic. The boy loves buffet better than anything.... except computer games. Which is why he wants money.

I hope your morning after is more normal than mine.

Saturday, December 25, 2010


A whirl of activity! I got up yesterday at 7:30 and got started. By noon, I'd made a trip to Sam's Club to buy items for the dinner today. Got a carrot cake. I also got four rotisserie chickens for lunch yesterday. One I refrigerated to put in the dressing today. It smells heavenly.

I also made a stop at Office Depot to see about a printer/fax/scanner. They had BARGAINS! HP for $99. They were not wireless so I didn't buy one. However, the one I wanted was wireless and was $200 at Office Depot. The same printer was cheaper at Sam's Club. So, after dropping off the food, I went back to Sam's and bought the $200 printer for.... $139.

Once back I had to run around getting started on the dinner for today. I made the dressing to have it ready to put in the oven this morning. I made brownies, two lemon pies and a banana pudding... in 4 hours.

Around 3 some six foot elves showed up. Let me tell you, it warmed up in my living room. They were bringing Christmas items for Patricia and her daughter. I'll have some photos later. They are having Christmas with our family. She is new here and has no family or home at the moment. Patricia is the woman who's baby was killed this summer. I was wrong about the age of the child. It was six weeks old. Anyway, they are having their holiday with us.

Last night, after opening presents and eating supper we played Clue for a couple of hours. That was fun. Becca won once and I won twice. Usually Mike does really good at it but he was off his game last night. They want to play more games tonight. I do not know how I'll hold out. Last night when I finally got to bed I was in so much pain I couldn't hardly stand it and I was exhausted. I only got about five hours sleep, disrupted by leg and back pain. So, I'm tired today.

Patricia and Becca helped in the kitchen yesterday and they are cooking other items today. Becca at her house and Patricia where she is staying. They will be here probably in a few hours. My dressing smells so good, I may not need anything else by the time they get here.

I was up at 7:30 in terrible pain. I can't get it under control. Can't lie down very long at all. Walking it the only thing that helps. Seems to stop the shooting pain but the lower back still hurts. I have a slight headache but I'm dressed up for the day.... black skirt, white sweater, hair up with a red bow and my faux pearl necklace and real pearl bracelet. LOL, all dressed up and no where to go and no one to impress.

I've had numerous calls today. My sister-in-law called and I was glad to hear she has met someone she was excited about. She has virtually no family left. Both parents dead, Jerry gone, their younger brother has nothing to do with any of his family and hasn't for years. She has only her son and daughter. But at this point in our lives, we know that their lives often leave us isolated. She is six months older than I am. Jerry's cousin called. If you remember her mother, Janie died earlier this year. So, I'm glad Sandra feels she can still call me. I forget to call her at times. They left us alone for so long that it doesn't occur to me. But now, they want that contact. Mike calls her here and there and I try to encourage that.

My aunt called to chat and tell me what a good day she had yesterday with her family. I'm glad that she did. I've talked to Becca and Mike several times about respective food issues.

My table looks nice. If I'm blessed with another Christmas, I'd like that darn dinning room painted and carpeted and cleaned out by next year. It looks nice when it is all fixed up. I'll even fix a place for my Christmas village. God willing.

I've been listening to Elvis' Christmas music. Jerry and I were both Elvis fans for years. I still love his gospel and Christmas music. Unfortunately, some of it is very difficult to hear. But I always feel that it isn't Christmas until I play Blue Christmas. Isn't that crazy? I always had to play that first. Jerry laughed about it. Last year I didn't play it at all and this year, I didn't dare until today.

Now, I'm going get up and walk. My back is killing me sitting here. I can't sit for very long before I'm miserable. The snow is melting and when I went for a walk I saw that the blanket on the roof was sliding off in sheets. It was very odd because everyone else's roof still had most of the snow left on their roof. Now theirs is beginning to melt but mine is probably gone. The roads are also clearing fast. The ground was not frozen so the snow won't stay long. It is currently 32*F here.

I hope all of you are having a lovely day. I'll be back again either later or tomorrow. I am hoping there is church tomorrow so I can go.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Woman paralysed 23 years ago 'cured by British spiritual healer' | Mail Online


This is tremendous! I watched all the videos and it just got more and more amazing.

But I do get annoyed by headline writers. Only a non Christian would write that kind of headline. Christians do not believe people heal people. We believe that God heals people and that those who lay hands on a person and pray for their healing are a conduit through which healing power is delivered. God does the work through the hands of people.

Still don't believe. So explain this event to me. Scientifically, medically she was paralyzed. It is not a hoax that the accident occurred, that she was paralyzed from the waist down. Then, twenty-three years in a wheelchair, documented.She had no feeling in her legs, could not feel when she was touched. She's a Christian vocalist who's appeared in public all that time, but paralyzed. By now, her muscles have atrophied. Yet, she suddenly gets up, unsteady to be sure, but in a short time, she is able to lift her legs up and down.

And weeks later, she visit her mother, walking... in some nice 3 inch heels.


Even the news media can't figure it out.

Never mind.. you don't have to explain it to me. I know how.

The Day Dawned

Wednesday dawned sunny.. and a bit earlier. The solstice has come and gone, sending us downhill toward Spring. Or maybe uphill... I suppose it depends on your perspective. I'm hoping it is downhill because that is a faster trip.

It is amazing how a little sunshine can lift your spirits and that even a tiny lift is welcomed. I was on my way to work and wondering what was different about today. Then I said out loud, "THE SUN IS SHINNING! Thank the Lord!" Really, this is the gloomiest place on earth. The cloud cover is just horrible in the winter. In the last two years, I don't look at the weather map so much to see the weather as to determine if I'll get even a sliver of sunlight. I know there is a place to check how many days of sunlight we get but I can't remember where it is. I'll have to Google it and see. I'm betting we're only getting half a year.

I had very little leg pain yesterday and last night. I did get awakened by pain in my calf this morning. I do not know what causes this pain. It is inexplicable. My feelings are that some of my muscle pain is due to taking Lipitor but I know of no way to document that except it occurred after I took it. I had to go off because it caused memory loss, too.

I have a headache. I think some of these are caused by my high blood pressure. I take medicine but I don't think it is working at times. I'm supposed to take my readings every day for a while. I keep forgetting it! I do good for a couple of days and then I forgot again.Must do that habit thing and see if it works. It only takes a few minutes and there is no reason for me not to do it first thing in the morning.

All right, I'm going. I need to do the neck exercise and see it that will help. Then, work... always work.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Home for Lunch

I came home for lunch today because my usual lunch companion, Carolyn, is off from now until the new year. So, the rest of the week I am on my own for lunch.

I don't mind. I like coming home. I don't like eating sandwiches all the time but it doesn't matter really. I guess if I wanted to cook I could. I just like being at home where I can sit in the quiet and not think about anything but how badly the carpet needs cleaning.

I used ice on my back again last night and I also put it on my shoulder. I think it may have helped that a bit too. But boy my knees are really not good today.

There is a restlessness in me I can't define. I have a lot of things running through my head that I want to do but I can't seem to find the motivation to actually do them. I remember getting this way a long time ago and I'd start a project that kept me occupied for days. But everything seems to be something I shared with Jerry. It isn't the same not having him to talk to about what I'm doing.

It is crazy because I don't actually ever remember talking to him about my sewing, or writing, or crochet. I must have done because now it feels as if I am supposed to and can't. Or maybe it is because those things I could do with him sitting in the room with me and feel his presence even though we never said a word. I just don't know.

I'm going to pull out my crochet again. I have a couple of pieces I never finished that I could finish now. I could get a movie out and let it run while I work on it. Maybe the big thing is that I'm not organized. I let too many other distractions interfere. I do that with my writing, too.

No answers. Just speculation.

It's Morning . . . Again

Another day is done and I have this and two more before my holiday vacation. I must try the motto of the Little Engine That Could. "I think I can. I think I can."

Trouble is, vacations have a way of being far too short and not being as much fun as you first imagine they'll be... at least mine do. This year I do not know what I'll be doing. This is the first long Christmas vacation I've taken since Jerry died. I had one the Christmas before his death. O.k. we are not going there today.

I'm tired but I seem to have the leg pain to a level that I'm not tossing and turning all night and I'm able to move around without cringing or hobbling too much. My knees, however, are not happy at all with things. They are very bad this morning, both of them.

There is a trick to walking if you have a bad leg or hip. "Up with the good and down with the bad." This works brilliantly. . . unless you have two bad ones. Then, well, I don't have one for that. Sit down and scooch?

Well, into the mines, me hearties. I've got piles to shovel before I sleep.

Monday, December 20, 2010

The Man with No Feet

"I complained that I had no shoes until I met a man with no feet."

I met a young woman tonight who's five month old child was murdered this past year by the child's father. When she wrapped her arms around my petite Sarah I did not have to wonder what she was thinking.

What I have lived was hell on earth. I can't begin to imagine that hell.

Right now stop whatever you are doing and count every blessing you have... leave none out. And imagine tomorrow when you wake up that every single is one gone.

Don't you dare feel sorry for yourself for the next 24 hours.

Sunday, December 19, 2010


I'm home today. Didn't go to church. I had planned to go last night but my leg pain got to the point I thought I'd have to go to the hospital and beg for a shot. It was simply nearly impossible to walk. I made the mistake of going shopping and that just made it even worse.

I am positive this pain in my leg is sciaticia. Maybe not 100% but most of it. I sent a note to my pastor and asked them to pray for me. Then, at midnight last night I finally went to the freezer and took out my ice packs. I have several in there. I wrapped it in a small towel, stuck it in the band of my pj pants and went to bed. Once it thawed, I got another. My leg is better this morning, with little pain. I've been icing it again today. But most of the pain in my entire leg is gone. Still have some burning sensation in my calf but believe me, that is nothing.

I'm cooking my lunch, listening to Christmas music. I have the lights on my tree, my nativity put out. I still have the decorations to go but I thought I'd have help with that. Nope. So, I'll just have to do it on my own I guess.

At this point, I do not think I will bother with all this again. I've seen Sarah once. She could care less about the tree. She played with her doll house.

Last night I took her presents to her house for Christmas morning. Her mother was telling her and she wanted to know if she could open them. She told her not until Christmas Day or she's send them back. Sarah told her mother that Santa would be pissed.

No, I do not use that term. But apparently her parents do.

I just finished my lunch, which I prepared for myself, by myself. I don't care much to eat at home. I dislike cooking for myself. It is just a waste of time since I don't enjoy eating alone. I usually just eat a sandwich. Today I made some mixed veggies because I wanted some. And I fixed a piece of spicy chicken (Buffalo chicken strips by Tyson). It was . . . ok. Then I had M&M's.. dessert, ya know.

I still have a headache. So off to do the neck exercise or find something to stop this head/neck ache.

Only four days to work this week. YoooHOOO!

It took two hours to finish this entry!!

Friday, December 17, 2010

Video gaming systems and energy use


All right, folks! You all own them. You all play them. Guess what? You pay even when they aren't being used.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

A Long Journey Through the Valley

I finished downloading the grief blog posts. There are 208 pages of entries. I do not think there will be anymore to download. No, I'm not "over it". Re-reading the last two years of posts, I realized that it won't ever really be over. He's always going to be gone. I'm always going to be wounded by it. I'm sure there will be other posts where I express grief over that thought.

To be unable to feel loss means you are unable to feel life. To experience the greatest joy, you must also experience the most devastating heartache. I believe we are designed to feel wounded at the loss of a loved one. Were we to feel nothing at that loss, we would also not have felt the love for that life. Whether you believe in a Creator or not, it is how we are made.

There is no cure for what happened to me and Jerry. He won't recover. I can't escape it. I can tamp down the images and thoughts that have nearly driven me insane. I can turn away from photos, shut off music, and look away from couples our age who remind me that I'm never going to grow old with Jerry. We won't watch Sarah grow up together. Nothing can fix it. The knife continues to twist with each memory, each image.

Somehow, I've managed to get some clarity of thought the last week or two. I don't know where it came from nor if it will last. I only know that while I've been reliving that long journey through the Valley of Death that it was my first trip truly alone. Jerry was not there to hold my hand. He could not lift me up or carry me when I was unable to walk. I could not call him when I needed him. I did but he did not answer. When I stood on the edge and stared into the darkness about to engulf me, he was not there to wrap himself around me and shelter me from the horrors. He always, always, always sheltered me.

There will be those who say "God was with you. He never left you." I will agree with you. He doesn't usually leave any of us. There were many days when I did not believe God was anywhere. On those days, I did not want to survive. There have been other days when I felt that He stood by me. Those are the days that I hung on the hardest. Psalms 23 says, "Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me." Most days you don't feel any comfort. No where does it say that I don't have to make the journey. It does not say He makes it easy. It does not say He stops the pain.

I don't understand how you can take this trip and show no outward signs. There should be scars that cause people to stare, or oozing sores that make them cringe. There aren't. At least, not visible to anyone but you. You see them when you look in the mirror. Sometimes there are small signs, nearly unnoticeable - lines where there had been no lines, clothes that hang, rings that won't stay on your fingers, strands of hair that are suddenly a different color. Nothing major except it is another loss you can't control. It won't be fair.

Everyone must travel the road I am on. Unless you die young, someone close to you will die. And if you live long enough, you may walk this way more than once. It will be painful. It will be unfair. It is inevitable. I suspect it does not get any easier with each passing.

Even as I write this I struggle with what I am trying to say because words are so very inadequate to describe this trip. There are no road maps, no signs. No one can tell you which way to go. Everyone will give you books on the journey but in all honesty, you will have to write your own story, make your own way, redraw the map.

There are regrets. I know, I know. We are not supposed to have regrets. But they are there and they are hot irons that are forged in the heat of the moment and during the journey they sear our souls. I know of no way to avoid them. I had no opportunity. I'm giving you opportunity.

I've said before that everything you care about is within ten feet of you. Four feet from my bed are two portraits of my family - Jerry, Mike, Dave & me. If I could recall a single day of my life, it would be those days, when my sons were young, my husband was healthy, and I was happy. We were happy.

I don't expect happiness to find me again. I'll settle for peace.

Sunday, December 12, 2010


The snow is falling lightly on the wind. We have a ground covering and it is 23 degrees out. I was going to church but I don't like crossing the twin bridges when they can freeze. It isn't fun on a sunny day for me but when there is ice, I don't want to cross them.

I sit here in my bed, under my electric blank and keep one eye on the window, which is mostly a white since I'm not directly in front of it and the sheer blurs things. It is warm but not comfortable. My upper back hates it. I rearrange the pillow periodically to make things a bit better. I could go get on the couch but honestly, it isn't much better after a bit. It is a cozy couch. You can have a lovely nap on it. But for long term sitting, it isn't good.

I have to get a new heater for the den. Or I have to have the current one serviced. We have to do that every year. It gets annoying. It won't light. So, no heat in there. I would have liked it this morning. I could sit at the dinning table and watch the snow fall and be on the computer. I have a couple of meds I need to go pick up at the pharmacy but I'm not inclined to go out.

I'm in a strange land today. It is white and cold and windy. I can't really see any paths but I know they are there. I have several to choose from but at this point I'm wandering aimlessly around, creating tracks a blind man could follow. Not that a blind man would be wondering around out here. But if he were. . .

I don't know where I'm going but I feel as if I'm going somewhere. If I could get rid of the constant pain in my extremities I'd feel almost normal. And yet, I never trust these episodes of near clarity. They are deceptive. Usually the entryway to difficult places. While I am an adventurer at heart, I've learned that most of my personal adventures are less than fun.

There have been a lot of adventures, too. But I can't remember them all. It is very frustrating. I've been praying for some of the good memories to return. The moments when we were enjoying our life. They haven't. I can't look at photos still. I have his portraits on the wall and I do stare at them for hours. I want to see his face, touch his cheek. See him smile at me. Other photos are not to be borne.

Change directions. In that direction lie jagged cliffs that will break you in pieces.

No, I'll stay here, walking in circles. That is the least damaging to the psyche. I feel like I could take a nap but I don't take naps and it is early for that. I have a mild headache on top of everything else. Probably a result of neck pain. I have to get up and exercise my neck to see if it helps. It actually usually does!

I'll be around. I actually do have to leave for a bit to get meds. I don't like going out in this but I have to have it before dark.

Hmmm, that's an interesting path over there. I think I'll try that and see where it takes me. {Looks back, waves and pulls the furry hood of her coat more snugly around her head}

See ya!

{Snow blows across the path, obliterating her tracks.}

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Mom's Helper

Mike came over to do his laundry and has spent the afternoon helping me put shelves in the garage. There are really good. We used left over lumber that I saved with an eye to shelves. I have enough to add about four or five more. We simply cut them to fit between the studs in the garage and nailed them in. I put up another small cabinet that I had sitting on the floor out there that Jerry had made for us to use in the small bathroom. It is now on the wall next to the garage door. These will all give more floor space because they aren't in boxes all over the place. I want to get all my bits and pieces of screws, nails and other small items and put them in containers on the shelves.

It was nice being able to use Jerry's saw and my new drill. Mike, with direction, can do a lot of things. And working with his hands is something he truly enjoys. His help will allow me to do a lot of the minor jobs around here. Although, he and I are planning to build some shelving in the study now that I've been thinking about it. Over that area where I'm repairing the wall I am considering putting in shelves. I need them and they will hide any flaw in that wall when I'm done. It is a bit of a wasted corner anyway. Even with as a bedroom it was only big enough to have a night table there.

If they come out right, I'll do shelves on either side of the bedroom window in my spare room as well. That will allow me to get rid of that huge bookcase.

I love doing this kind of work but it is impossible for me to do it alone. Jerry and I loved making things together. I usually did the planning and holding things up but he did the sawing, nailing, and lifting. Without someone to do that, I'm limited. Mike seems willing to help, if I can get him up in the mornings.

I was going to work in the study on that wall but the shelves wanted doing first. By doing that we cleaned out a nice area to work in. The garage is so cold, though! I need a heater in there, I suppose. They make large heaters for work areas. And we aren't in there so much that it will impact my utility bill.

Friday, December 10, 2010

Reliving the Past

I spent the latter part of the evening, from around 10 p.m. to 1 a.m.going through the blog looking for the grief posts. I've made it through the December 2009. . . again.

It is time consuming because I have to read every post to see if it is something that pertains to what was going on with me. The experience is very odd. I don't know exactly what I feel re-reading many of them. The dark and heavily emotional posts are difficult because those images are still real. I do not know how I survived those nights lying in the dark hallway, or sitting in that dark house surrounded by memories that had become enemies. I remember the darkness so very clearly. It was tangible. Sometimes it seeps out again.

The memories are still horrible and I dare not dwell too long on them. Last night I read two posts where I acknowledged I was angry. I was angry all over again but it was tempered by an understanding of the anger. People failed me. I've become more accepting of failure because of that. It doesn't hurt less.

It is the nearly normal posts that surprise me. They are normal in that I seemed to step out of the darkness for a moment. Some of these made me angry. How could I be that way when two days before I was nearly catatonic! Then I remembered that every minute of every day I lived on the edge. I clung to anything normal I could find. I was posting a lot, anything and everything that captured my mind for even a minute. That is why those posts sound so silly now. That was when I could find some relief from the barrage of memories and press down the terrible pain that was always just below the surface, seething. It is still there, buried deeper, like a slumbering volcano. They say that at some point it will go dormant.

I'll begin work on the second year this weekend. I really have no idea where to go with this. It is a glimpse of the madness that stands silently behind the closed doors or our minds, waiting for something to flip the latch and set it free.

Thursday, December 9, 2010


I sat up past midnight last night. I didn't actually realize I was doing it. I began downloading posts beginning with the one where Becca posted that Jerry had died. I'm only downloading those that actually have something to do with the Death and my subsequent roller coaster ride with that entity.

I spent a lot of time reading the posts and learning a bit about myself in the process. Some were very difficult to read. Some....I don't know. It was almost as if someone else were writing them. I do not see how any could possibly be of any help to anyone else. And I'm not sure they are worth trying to publish. They are too close to be done with any skill.

But I'm putting them in one document. I'm not even halfway through the first year of posts. Not every post was about grief or death, which seems very odd to me since every waking minute of my life was surrounded by it. I seem to recall that I would actually have a problem at times finding something that wasn't about death or dwelling on my mental state, or the chaos of my emotions. I didn't think I was angry much either but I think there were times I got angry about some things. I was very angry at the way people seemed to ignore me, as if I wasn't there and they didn't care. Not my family and not even the online contacts. The people I saw regularly were the worst, these were people I expected more from but who failed miserably and never even noticed their failure. I got angry at the excuses other, more concerned, made excuses for them. Even me!

Anyway, I'm working on pulling it all together. No promises. There are some stories authors can't write.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Tuesday into Wednesday

I'm glad I have a garage. It is cold as ice in it but I'm glad I have it. When the howling Siberian Clippers and the snow comes I'll be doubly glad. Already the weather is biting.

I went to Carolyn's after work yesterday and worked on her computer. She had a lot of junk that was really slowing her system down. I'm not sure she isn't going to have to reformat her drive. There is something that I couldn't remove and I think it is the problem. People, don't download those toolbars! I'm telling you, the are not good. Not even Bing! They serve no real purpose and if you download every one, i.e. yahoo, google, bing, and everyone that goes with every social site where you're a member, you will not be able to see the screen anyway. For heavens sake, I don't care how cute they are do not, do not, do not download those smiley toolbars! I promise you that you will see your spam escalate. I promise you will see your system slow to a crawl. I have warned the whole department dozens of times here. But every six months or so we still end up with someone getting a crash because of some hidden program dropped by "Wiley Smileys" or his kin. One former employee had to have her computer reformatted twice in a year because of Wiley Smiley and some games she'd downloaded. We have another where they were going nearly monthly to clean her up because she played games all day and they were infecting the system. You'll do it anyway, but you've been told.

Once done there I went home and got a hot shower. I was so cold! Her house seemed very cold to me but it was also just bitter outside. I live about three blocks from her so it wasn't far to drive but the car was cold, nonetheless. Once home I got a very hot shower and got in bed. I watched some shows on Hulu... actually just one, Castle. Once that was over I tried to read but I was just sleepy.

I had horrible pain in my leg most of the night. When I got up it was terrible but about 30 minutes afterward it abated to a mild level. Nothing helps. I don't know what I can do but if it were not for that, I could sleep just fine. I think it is sleeping on my back that is causing the problem. But sleeping on my sides causes pain in other areas. On the left side it hurts my neck and gives me a terrible headache. On the right side, my hip is unbearably painful.

So, I didn't sleep well and I had a bad dream on top of all that. I don't feel good this morning at all. I am finding it hard to work because I'm sleepy. I am tempted to ask my doctor to send me on a sleep study. Something really needs to be done.

Now, it is Wednesday and I'm about a third through my work day. It can't end soon enough for me. I almost called in because I felt so bad. Once the pain subsided enough I decided to come on to work. Now, my brain wants to shut down and sleep.

I'm going to grab a bunch of files and get busy sending notices.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Home Revisited

I was asked by someone who saw my post of Home if there was a spiritual meaning behind the film. I've thought long and carefully for a couple of days. I've researched the Bible, websites, and my own view of the world I live in. I found that for me the answer is yes, a profoundly spiritual one. 

Of course, I believe there is a spiritual message in everything. When I was 18 an amazing woman of faith told me if I listened and watched, I could see and hear God in everything. I was astounded by that then but it challenged me to pay attention. It began a practice in me of actively trying to see God's hand and hear his voice in every event I witnessed and every place I visited. Sometime it is hard and the message is not always clear at first but I've never found it untrue.

As a Christian it is up to me to hear it. And as a Christian, I suppose it is up to me to point it out when I see it or hear it. To everyone, believer and unbeliever alike. I can't make you hear me. I would only ask that even if you do not share my spiritual views you at least hear my voice. You don't have to agree with me or comment. 

I believe the Lord is coming back. I believe it is inevitable. Everything I see tells me this. However, I believe that He left us in charge of this place. It was a place of great beauty designed to sustain us indefinitely. I believe that was His plan. I believe what we are doing is as horrible a sin as murder because we have perverted his plan in every way, even by destroying the womb He placed us in.

Is this right? Is it fixable? Those are questions we should be asking. In my personal belief system as a Christian, I do not believe we can stop the Lord coming back but if we believe that all sin is wrong then we are obligated to make every attempt stop what we are doing to ourselves AND our planet. Just because I believe there is an end coming does not mean I am absolved of responsibility. If anything, my responsibility is greater. But no matter what faith or lack of faith you possess, we are all responsible for the world we live in by God's grace.

As I have grown older, I have watched in growing horror at what we have done and are still doing to this beautiful gift we were given. I realize that IF the Lord tarries and my granddaughter is allowed to grow up she will never see the teeming forest of the Amazon. She will never know the taste of icy cold spring water on a mountain shrouded in old growth forest. She will never be able to swim in an equally cold creek whose water is clear as crystal and freezes giggles out of her. She will never gaze on an unpolluted sky. Soon, she may never even be able to see a whale in its natural habitat. This is unconscionable.

For me, there is a profound spiritual meaning to the destruction of our planet. I am connected to it. It is the home I was given and I was given freedom to explore her beauty unfettered. No restraints on climbing mountains to watch the sun set or rise. No restraints to swimming in her oceans. We are free to till her soil, eat from her bounty, and when it is time to return to our Father, our forms can rest beneath her soil and returned from whence it came – earth. It is a closed environment where everything was intended to recycle. For our souls, this is a temporary home but still home.

I'm a old earth creationist. I believe God was careful in His creation. Time means nothing to Him. He had eternity to make this place. That is not an issue for me. I don't care what your position on the time line of creation is... God did it if it took seconds or billions of years. Why is that important to any of us? God cares naught for time. I believe the Bible and I believe it supports a long creation. But neither is an issue that God spent a lot of time on. He clearly indicates time is useless because it is going to be destroyed! People waste more time discussing the clocks than taking care of the important stuff, like other human beings! That is what we are supposed to be doing, caring for one another! What is the point of counting hours? God didn't create clocks.

I believe that He left us in charge of this place, to care for it and the inhabitants of it. It was a place of great beauty designed to sustain us indefinitely. That was His plan. What he took such care in creating out of love we have polluted out of greed. What he took such time in creating, we have destroyed in an amazingly short time. All of us, believer and unbeliever alike have destroyed it. I believe what we are doing is a sin because we have perverted His plan in every possible way, even by destroying the womb he placed us in.

Is this right? Is it fixable? Is there enough time left to stop it? Those are questions we should be asking. Whether we can stop the end of the world is, at this point, moot. Our actions will not stop His coming but my job is to work while it is still day. I am a steward and it is my responsibility to do what I can do to honor what He has given me. I am to do my best to aide those who share my world.

God cared enough for the whole creation that he put not only Noah and his family on the ark, he put animals on the ark! He put the planet in a washing machine to clean it up. He had no desire to destroy all he had so carefully built. And it means so much to Him that when this earth is destroyed, He has every intention of rebuilding it. This planet meant something to God. When He decides to return, what will He find? It will be so bad He already has to plans to create a NEW Heaven and a NEW earth. The old one isn't fit to re-inhabit! We have corrupted not only ourselves, but out entire world.
Is there scripture for this? I believe so.

David said in Psalm 24:1 The earth is the LORD’s, and everything in it, the world, and all who live in it;

Who are we to think we have a right to destroy what belongs to God? It isn't yours to destroy!

Deuteronomy 20:19 “When you besiege a city for a long time, while making war against it to take it, you shall not destroy its trees by wielding an ax against them; if you can eat of them, do not cut them down to use in the siege, for the tree of the field is man’s food.

This is in the Law of God. But then, so is "Thou shalt not kill." We've never respected those Laws but they were designed to keep us and the planet healthy and in balance. God knew before we came here what it would take to live here. Adam and Eve were supposed to exist in a healthy world. The garden of Eden was not just a small plot of ground. It was this planet. No other planet has been located with the conditions found on this planet. It was perfectly balanced to sustain US. What a mighty God and what a beautiful plan. And immediately, we corrupted it.

Isaiah 24 is a clearly indicates why this is happening, who caused it and for what reason. This is a small but very telling section of that chapter.

Isaiah 24:4-6
       3 The land shall be entirely emptied and utterly plundered,
      For the LORD has spoken this word.
       4 The earth mourns and fades away,
      The world languishes and fades away;
      The haughty people of the earth languish.
       5 The earth is also defiled under its inhabitants,
      Because they have transgressed the laws,
      Changed the ordinance,
      Broken the everlasting covenant.

       6 Therefore the curse has devoured the earth,
      And those who dwell in it are desolate.
      Therefore the inhabitants of the earth are burned,
      And few men are left.

For those who say the Bible is not prophetic, think again. We caused this to happen. We are responsible. And it won't stop time ending. But does that mean we can't do anything and should allow it to just continue unabated, with no attempt to correct it? Can it be stopped? The destruction, in my belief, can't be stopped. It is too late. This broken covenant was between God and man. He'd care for us, sustain us, provide us with a beautiful home. We had only to follow Him. We immediately set about changing the ordinances and transgressing the laws. You know the ones designed to keep us healthy and in balance? Ordinances: a law set forth by a governmental authority: a prescribed usage, practice, or ceremony (MW Online) You have these in your local government. They are set up so people don't have pig farms in the back yard or the city park. That'd be unhealthy!

2 Chronicles 7:14 If my people, which are called by my name, shall humble themselves, and pray, and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways; then will I hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin, and will heal their land.

I still believe in the power of the Almighty. I can't convert the whole world. I can only give my witness and live according to the laws and ordinances that were set forth. I can do my best to do what He intended for me to do. I am only one. But in the film, at the end it says that one person can make changes and if every ONE makes changes, then we can see a difference. We may never be able to restore anything but to do nothing? “Therefore, to him who knows to do good and does not do it, to him it is sin.” James 4:17 (New KJV)

It is up to me to say what I believe. It is up to me to do my part in changing my world, both physically and spiritually. I can pray all day for the rivers to be clean, for my safety of my children. I do not desire to see the effects of petroleum distillates in my children. But every time I dump chemicals in the water or on the ground, I'm contribution to the destruction. You can't eat the fish out of the Ohio River where I live. They are poison. What have we done? Did I do that? We all did. Pay attention to how many times greed is mentioned in this film.

I don't care what your religious beliefs are. You are responsible for the state of this planet if you live here. You are responsible for whether or not we have peace among our nations. You are responsible for your life at the end of time. But my job, as a believer is to speak out. I am a citizen of this world. I have a residence waiting elsewhere. But what if I die tomorrow, BEFORE the end of everyone else's time? There are still people living here! What gives me the right to leave it in a state they can't even survive in? None. And yet, it has been happening for thousands of years.
I am not a preacher. I am a lowly southern girl raised by people who lived off the land. I was born where trees grew thick and tall and smelled heavenly on a summer day. In that part of the world, they replaced trees when they where cut. Men farm the trees there for a living. I remember the smell of rain on those summer days and I marvel at how little rain falls now. I miss the smell of ozone in a summer thunder storm because the changing climate no longer produces many such summer storms. The clouds that cover my area are usually void of rain. I won't teach my Sarah to fish. What is the point? She can't eat it.

I believe we are living in the last days of time. That does not excuse our continued destruction of this planet because of our greed. We are not only destroying the planet we are destroying our PEOPLE. They are souls. If I die tomorrow, God has taken me to my eternal home. You are left here to continue defiling the home of millions. And your flip answer maybe that since I think God will destroy it all why should we care? Because it is the right thing to do.

It is a spiritual issue. I am deeply grateful for this place. I could sit and watch the trees and birds for hours and warm myself in the sun. I could sit on the beach and listen to the sound of the waves crashing on shore. All my life, I loved to sit on the porch and listen to the raging storms, watch the lightening, laughing at the thunder. No, I do not worship the creation. I worship the creator. I see Him in all of that. The works of His hands are beautiful to me.

And I'm furiously angry that man has destroyed it, continues to destroy it.There is a place in me, when I see those denuded mountains, sullied lakes and rivers, disappearing wet lands that wants to lash out at the people who did that. I can't. It would do no good. I can only attempt not to be one of them. But think about it. If I am that angry... how angry is God?

Friday, December 3, 2010

The Downhill Side of Friday

Wheee! I have about two and a half hours to go! I will be off until Monday. I have been pretty exhausted all week but I'm so looking forward to the weekend I don't care. I did not want to get up this morning. I think I sat up too late but I was reading and watching stuff on t.v. and chatting with Kat for a short time. I turned things off at 10:30 but got sidetracked with something I was reading. One of the e-zines I mentioned yesterday.

I went to the doctor today to followup on that medicine he wanted me to take a month ago but which made me stay awake. Mainly I wanted him to know why I didn't take it and that I thought I had found the culprit to the worsening depression and the severe anxiety attacks. He didn't say anything really. I told him I'd been off of it for two weeks and that I was 100% better.. compared to what I was before anyway. He suggested Yoga for the stiffness. Bah humbug.

I was sitting in his office looking at this thing on the wall. It was a shelf with a coat hook on it. I studied it for several minutes and decided I can make one of these. I am going to buy myself a router. I can make this shelf easily and put it in my bathroom with a towel rack underneath instead of the hooks. It will be sturdier and easier to hang than a simple rod and will give me the added shelf for anything I need. In fact, I think I could make this where there is more than one shelf. And I think mine will be far prettier than the simple one in his office. AND if I'm really brilliant, I could put a mirrored back on it. I do love building things.

Now if I could feel rested I think I'd feel pretty good.

I signed up for a writing clinic. I don't know how it will go but I'm trying to get some things to do for the long dark months ahead. Again, the day was mostly overcast and gloomy. Although, at six a.m. this morning the sky was really light. I was surprised because usually when I've been getting up it has been rather dark... at least to me.

For now, I'm going to get back to work. Hope you all have had a nice Friday. May your coming Saturday be sunny and warm... will it will be somewhere. Probably not here.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Time, Prayer, and a Hot Shower

The week has just not been very much fun. I know, I say it all the time. Even I'm bored with me. But I've just been exhausted and my joints have been so painful - hips and knees especially. I don't know what I can do about other than complain. And since I live alone, there is no one to say I can't.

The traffic is just horrendous. This is not a large town. But you would think that for the last week every person with a car has decided to take to the roads at 7:30 in the morning and at 5 in the evening! And they are stupid! They drive too slow, don't signal, tailgate, dart out in front of you. All manner of idiotic things. I just want to get to work and get home... all in one piece.

I'm trying to read some this week. Since the depression and anxiety are better, I find I can focus a little better. Not much. I'm so sleepy I can't stay awake at times. I went to Reason's to Believe and downloaded some online magazines. I printed them off because I still like printed books and magazines.

The founder of Reason's to Believe is Hugh Ross. He is an astral physicist who has a truly wonderful testimony about his conversion. When I was in college studying geology and anthropology and struggling with my faith. I found his book, The Creator and Time and The Creator and The Cosmos. These books are brilliant at giving the scientific explanation of creation and showing how it is supported by the Bible.

I've also been reading a book by Beth Moore Praying God's Word. It is a difficult book for me to read but I've had too many books fall into my hands by unexplainable means to not read it. Laugh if you want. I've been "sent" certain books to read when I needed them. There are four books, the three here, that I can definitely say were "sent" to me. No one gave them to me either. I bought each one but the story behind each purchase is how I know they were placed in my path. So, I'm trying to read this one.

Now, I think I'll find that hot shower. I said today that I needed to build myself a heated pool. Carolyn, my friend and coworker smiled and said, "Yes, and hire a pool boy."

She may be on to something.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Night Meanderings

I am about to go to bed for the evening. I came home from work and got a hot shower and got in bed, as I do every evening. The heat from the electric blanket has not helped much the last couple of days. I guess this weather has just tied me up in knots. My back, knees, hips and feet just hurt. Hot water helps but one can only stay in the bath so long. I've done some reading and watched tv shows.

The depression abates and clarity returns but slowly. I am filled with that constant sadness that never fully goes away. It settles around me like a cloud. Remember the kid in the Peanuts comic who had this cloud that followed him? We all laughed about it. It isn't funny. I can't shake it. I do things to keep me occupied but I'm never really happy. I exist in some halfway state, able to pretend for short times that "I'm fine. I'm going to be fine. I'm happy."

People say things like, "You're better." "You sound better." "You feel better." I truly get so tired of it. They have said it for almost two years. These days I simply lie. Yes. Lie. I'm not ashamed of it. I'm not even sorry. I'm forced to lie or people keep telling me "You'll get better." This further tires me because it forces me to continue to lie. It is exhausting to keep up appearances.

I would never have believed that people did this to widows. To expect us to wake up one day and say, "OK! I'm better now. They're dead and not coming back and so I can live my life now as if it was all just a bad dream. No problem! I'm fully recovered and my old self."

We will never ever be ourselves again. The person we were, the one you knew, is dead. It isn't a joke. It isn't going away. It isn't going to change. We are not who we were. And we don't know who we are anymore. We will not laugh at the same jokes. We will not plan in the same way. We will not look at anything with the same eyes. We will not laugh so easily. We will cry more. We will not care about your petty squabbles with you family because we know the price.

I heard a woman this past weekend being so rude to her husband in a restaurant. They looked much older than I. He was trying to help her. She was so nasty to him. I simply wanted to tell her she was a ugly harridan who ought to have to sit out in the cold so other people didn't have to look at her or listen to her. He sat at a table alone with another man while she sat with some women and acted like they were fresh cream. My gut wrenched and I wanted to slap her.

We feel hate much easier, too. We see injustice and cruelty with a clearer eye. Death is reflective. In him you see who you really are and you cringe from it. And the ugliness in others is much more sharply defined.

I hate holidays. Mama had a stroke Dec 24 1973 and died Jan 2 of 1974. Daddy died in late November or early December - I was in finals in 1990. Jerry died in January 2010. My life is filled with bitter and broken Christmases and New Years.

I thought today that if I were truly brave, truly bold I'd catch a flight to Tahiti and lie on the beach for the whole week. It is summer there and warm. The only lying I would do would be on the sand.

I'm not brave or bold anymore. I'm terrified.