Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Monday - Sunny Side Up - Tuesday Not So Much


Two days of sunshine - amazing. The down side is the 37F temperature. It is cold. It was warmer yesterday. I stayed home as I still wasn't feeling well and Mike is still in the midst of that horrible cold. He'd improving faster than I did. We went to lunch together and I stopped by the cemetery briefly. I was fine until I started to leave and I really looked at his name in the stone. The term "carved in stone" has a new meaning and I begin to think it will always be painful, feeling the chisel cut into it, chipping away at me.

I had that horrid dream and my whole day simply followed suit. It was a stupid dream but it was probably a reflection of what was in my mind. The house is filled with Jerry and yet feels as empty as a tomb. It is an odd analogy - empty as a tomb. They aren't for the most part but I think it refers to the fact that the body may lie there but the person is gone. Regardless, the tone of the day was set before I even woke up. I have no idea why. 

Somewhere in all that I even thought that I should sell the house and go somewhere else. I don't really think that is the answer at this point, particularly in light of my wobbly job situation. I just find that there is nothing here for me anymore. I don't have close friends. I don't have much family and those I do have I don't see much. I go to work and I go home. I'm trying to stay involved in things - crochet and writing. But even the writing group is falling away. I think I'm one of those people who has to be absorbed in something to keep my mind occupied. I've considered taking classes but honestly, my mind is not able to keep the way I did nearly 20 yrs ago.

I need to stop whining about it. I need to shut up and get back to writing. That keeps me focused for hours. Physically I'm better. My cold is abating so I can probably do more than lie around like an amoeba. I've had a bit more pain in my neck this week but probably from not sleeping well. I did better last night I think but it is aching. Yesterday I had a bit more pain all over than usual but it could be the weather... oh, that's probably not true. We have these highs sitting on us right now and it is making the day lovely to look at... thru glass. My back and legs bothered me over the weekend too but I'm pretty sure that is from sitting to much. I simply couldn't do anything. I should have gone to church. I'm sure I'd have felt better. Stupid to think I can ignore everything and sit in that empty house alone. Becca called to check on me and I think my sister Phyllis called me briefly. Other than lunch with Mike I saw no one.

I'm dying to go to the beach. I watched something... or saw some photos.. can't remember which, of the ocean and so longed to just lie in warm sand and listen to the waves. I was ready to pack up right then. OH.. Costa Rica.. that's what it was, an advertisement for a Costa Rican vacation. Warm and sunny and the Gulf of Mexico. I don't believe there are many bodies of water that are more lovely than the Gulf. I remember seeing the Atlantic the first time and though how gray and ugly it was and how cold. I love standing on the beach and looking out over the blue, blue Gulf until it blends with the sky. I am homesick and there is no home left there. 

I am going to get back to work. I just needed to get all my thoughts down. The positive aspect of the blog is that I can look back over time and see what was going on and how I was dealing with it. I wish, in a lot of ways, that I'd been a more consistent journalist over the years. I have some journals but there were weeks and sometimes months that I didn't write anything. And they are decidedly depressing. I only wrote when I was down it seems. The online journals tend to be more a reflection of what's normal for most of us... huh, I'm normal.


The afternoon fell apart for me and the evening was spent with Dave, Becca, and Sarah. Crisis seems to bring us together as a family and Becca offered to do some cleaning for me. I sat and watched cartoons with Sarah and crocheted on her spread. I must get some photos posted of the squares. They're really pretty.

This morning loomed gray. I thought it was going to have sunshine because there was a bit of sun through my window but it quickly disappeared before I even left the house. 

Only real pain I have today is that darn shoulder and my neck. I know they are related. I move my arm in a certain motion it hurts and I never know it is going to hurt until it does. The neck ease a bit once I'm up and moving around but again, certain motion and position hurts it. 

I had some bad leg pains late yesterday. I think sitting all day Sunday was the reason. I simply sat all day at home and did very little but read and watch t.v. and I think I crocheted some. Sunday is mostly a blank.

I'm not going to write a lot this morning because I have lots of work to get busy with. I might be back later today or tonight but can't promise. I'm trying not to think about anything at all, a preoccupied mind makes it easier to function.

Sunday, January 29, 2012

In the Walls

In Memory - January 29, 2009.

I could leave that as my only post today and it would be adequate. I thought, somehow, that because the last few months have been tolerable that today would be very easy. Even up until yesterday I thought, “This year I won't notice so much. I won't feel so bad.”

I had a dream this morning. I was asleep in the house and in the dream I woke up and began to walk through the house. Something was wrong with a spot high up on my bedroom wall that backs on the laundry room. It was a “hot spot”. In my dream I thought, 'We moved the fuse box so that can't be causing this.' The area was soft and sticky and very warm. In the real world, the fuse box is on the opposite wall of the laundry room where it has always been.

I left the room, calling Jerry as I went. I went to the living room and the front door, both storm door and entry door were standing open. I stared, dumbfounded. What on earth was he doing that he'd leave me asleep in the house with the doors open like that? I went to the kitchen and checked the laundry room and found that the hot water heater was removed. Again, I stared. I began to work on the floor that needs replacing.

Then, I stopped. Where was Jerry? I went back to the living room and looked out the window and saw my sister's car. I went out just as she was coming in. A refrigerator was lying on the ground near the house and near the curb between my drive and the next cabinets and other junk lay on the ground. My sister said, “The people next door are moving out.”

I said, “No, she's in a nursing home and they're cleaning the place out.” This is true, by the way, she is but there's been no work there for a year at least. And no junk anywhere around.

I said, “I can't figure out where Jerry is.”

We went into the house and I went into the bathroom. Bright blue paint was all over the tiles and the shower curtain was missing. It wasn't being painted. It looked as if someone had  been painting and residue settled as they tried to clean up but it was all over the place. I rubbed a spot on the tile and it seemed to rub off easily. There was a time I'd have blown a gasket to find such things. Now I just though, “It'll come off.” Oddly, it was the old white tile we used to have in there.

I stepped into the hall. Incidentally, my bathroom was not in the right place. But directly across was a door to another room where this is a closet in the real world.  I saw a white shower curtain, spattered with blue paint hanging from what appeared to be a shower rod. I saw Jerry behind it in an odd position. He was wearing his glasses and that registered as odd to me. He'd had contacts for several years before he died. His hair was also thick and dark. It had begun to thin when he died. He'd been coloring it for years. He was younger and slim.

He appeared to be sitting on top of the window, his legs through the wall and he was hanging backwards, his hands behind his head as if he was on a lounge chair relaxing. It was such an odd, frightening position and my heart pounded. I yelled his name and ran into the room. In  my mind I thought he was dead but I asked what he was doing. He didn't answer me. He just looked at me and made no attempt to get down.

I told him I'd help him get down. I began to check the wall to see how to get him down and I saw that the wall was literally “finished” around him. There was no “hole” that he'd gotten stuck in. He was just a part of the wall. His hips were in the wall, over the window and the wall smoothly finished all around him.

In my head I was thinking I need to call 911 and get help. I have to get him out of there. And then I woke up into the real world feeling as if my chest were being crushed. I sat up and looked around.

And I said, “God, that wasn't fair. That was cruel. It was mean.”

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Gray Matter

Thursday dawned... scratch that. Thursday didn't dawn... it morphed. Everything went from black to a blanket of gray. Heavy fog greeted me when I lifted the garage door. It was cold but not miserably so, in fact, warmer than yesterday and damp. And now, at 2 p.m . it still looks like it did this morning, but the fog has lifted slightly... but it is all gray.

I am still coughing, although less than before and the stuff in my chest has decided to release, allowing my lungs to clear a bit more with each cough. 

Now, my head must be the fountain of youth because my nose is a running spring. I didn't realize you could hold that much stuff inside your sinus cavities. It is horrendous and until this week the nose wasn't even an issue! I blew my nose over the weekend and it went into the Eustachian tube (runs between your ear and throat to allow your ears to drain) and nearly fell over with a horrendous dizzy spell. This is a totally new thing to me. I've never had such an experience as that and and find if I never do again. It took ten minutes for that to pass and for days now I've been having mild balance issues and trouble hearing. Several times the stuff was pushed into my ear when I had to blow my nose. Really unpleasant and I seem to have no way to prevent it...well, I did start blowing in a different manner to try and prevent it - with only moderate success. Although why it is going backwards when I'm blowing forward makes no sense.

Mike is also sick with the same thing. He has a doctor's appointment tomorrow anyway and it is a good thing. 

I have a writer's meeting tonight. I'm looking forward to it and I hope it is productive. Although, I haven't been writing the last two weeks it is always helpful to run ideas by everyone. I think all but one of us will be there tonight. Unless someone backs out.

I sat and worked on Saran's spread last night until about 9:15 a.m. It is going to be really colorful and so pretty. I'm eager to get it finished but at the rate I'm going it is going to be several months. Each square takes me a couple of hours. I'm at the point that I'm finishing one each night and starting a new one to finish the next night. I keep screwing up in the 3rd thru 6th rows. It is a very frustrating because just as I think I've got it, I find I haven't. These rows are very much alike with a very minor change and it throws me every time. Doesn't help that I'm sick and not really able to focus long. 

All right, back to work now. I hope you are all having a much brighter day than I am. Although, despite the impending terminations I'm not sweating it. I can't change whatever happens. I have sat and counted the cost to me if it is me. It isn't good. But I've been through this before and I'm so tired of it that I think I find it hard to react. I've had a lot happen to me since the last time, horrible things that took more than I could ever imagine from me. I find that these days I simply am unable to care about much else. 

Losing your job is terrible but honestly, there really are worse things that can happen to you. If I could have Jerry back in exchange for this job.... I'd willingly walk out. I'd go back to living in crappy houses with no money and not much else. I seem to remember we were happy in those places, even though we wanted better. Sunday will be three years. How empty life has been that it feels as if it were yesterday.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012


And there was light.... lots of sunlight in a cloudless blue sky at 38F. I still feel pretty bad but the level of crap has receded. Maybe three kinds now.

I've been sick for over a week and it really stinks.Noooo it isn't the crap I smell!   I am getting nothing, and I mean NOTHING, done. Sue, my cleaning genie, is still out of town. I don't know when she'll be back. The house is a mess, at least to me. I've done some minor cleaning and kept the dishes washed but it needs more. It has been three weeks since Sue cleaned it. I did laundry over the weekend and I did Mike's last night. I stopped by his place and picked it up. He's really sick, too and not able to come over with it. Twice he said he would but called to say he just couldn't. He's been washing out a pair of under shorts every night to wear. Well, he'll have some clean tonight.

I did manage to dabble in my story last night but only briefly. I don't actually remember what else I did last night. I think I watched something. I think I read something for a bit but mostly, I just don't remember. While I ate I watched something... I do remember that. Then I messed with the story... nothing constructive... just read a scene and thought... "That's really really good." Read another and thought about how to improve it. All I can say is "it is what I like". I don't know if anyone else will. 

So January will be a washout for WRoE. But I'm fine with it. I have been sick for half a month. I worked on it the first week, rested from it the second, got sick the third and am still fairly sick. I really need a good sleep and a good sleep is what I'm not getting at the moment. On a positive note, joint pain while I have been ill.... really. Silliest thing I've heard. But I have been so sick and felt so bad.... IT DIDN'T MATTER! My ribs hurt, my chest hurt, my neck hurt, and my head hurt...every time I cough -- which is constantly.

Last night my neck bothered me.. Guess what... positional pain. I'm nearly positive that a lot of the neck pain is posture when at my computer and the weight on my chest. I get pulled out of a good posture or I sit incorrectly when working on the computer. No more laptop in bed or on the sofa unless I have a really proper support for it and a way to keep my spine aligned. I watch a good little video on youtube about proper position and it really helped. Just have to keep at it. 

I'm hungry and it is lunch time now. So, I'm off. May your day be filled with sunlight. 

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Stormy Night

The storm blew in about 30 minutes ago. Huge wind and rain and thunder. It has calmed a bit at the moment but not sure how long it is supposed to last. Based on the weather map, maybe another 30 minutes of rain. Just a guess.

I'm on my way to bed. Work is still headed toward me at the speed of a jet. I'm not actually ready for the impact.

Saturday, January 21, 2012

A Montage of January Events

It's long. Nuff said.

The Eyes of My Heart

God appears in strange, unusual places, people and times. I don't have words to describe this. Just watch it. Open the Eyes of My Heart

Wake Up Call

My brother, Bill, called and woke me this morning. He just wanted to chat. I've been sick all week with some kind of freak cold that has me coughing up my lungs. I managed to work Friday but it was miserable. Yes, I went to the doctor and got antibiotics....I feel only marginally improved since I went to the doctor on Wednesday and worse than I felt last Saturday - Monday.

Oh.. thanks so much for the letters and notes of concern. Really, I've sat in this house alone for a week, seeing no one and lying around feeling like last years garbage. I have warned everyone away because no one, I mean NO ONE needs this, least of all Sarah or my sister, Phyllis. She's still getting over her surgery and Sarah, well you all know how she gets ill so easily.

Anyone notice how the bugs are getting worse? Seriously. Or maybe I'm getting worse at fighting them off. Anyway, this is really bad.

Say a prayer for my sister, Roselynn. Some of you will remember Roselynn when she had her own Multiply blog. She's been sick and her blood pressure is giving her a lot of trouble. It appears they can't get it regulated. She's had a lot of stress with her son over seas for several years now and her daughter having heart problems. And like our whole family she is overweight. Just put her on your prayer list. I know she'll appreciate it.

I am now on my way to get a hot shower and hope I turn into a human being again. Being a slug is no fun.

Friday, January 20, 2012

End of a Lousy Week

And good riddance... but it isn't over. I've been sick for five days. I'm still sick. I went to work today but I sure didn't want to. I felt horrible, hacking cough, sore back, shoulders, ribs, chest, head, throat everywhere. The cough is so bad that at times I've had to double over and just hang on to keep my insides inside! At least, that's the way it feels.

I have gotten exactly nothing done here at home. No writing, no crochet, mindless watching of television shows, I did do some reading on, I think, Monday but I can't be sure. 

I'm still taking the cough medicine, generic mucinex DM. I am taking the codeine tonight. I need sleep. I'm exhausted and last night was terrible. I woke myself up several times breathing. It sounded like paper caught an air current... same papery rattle you hear. Awful sound to have wake you... when you have heard a death rattle. It happened several times. 

When I lie down it sound as if cellophane is in my airways. Maybe that's a better way to describe it.

I'm going to stop now. I simply don't have the mental ability to deal with anything in depth.

Thursday, January 19, 2012


I wasn't able to go to work today but I got word tonight that at a staff meeting today the boss announced he would be getting rid of three staff members. He said they would get no warning notices. He would deliver a notice to their office and that would be their last day. 

Many of you who've been on my list for a long time know they have done this kind of thing before. It is far more serious now. They have serious money problems. I think they will get rid of some of us. 

There is no way to predict who it will be based on any reasonable criteria. They don't operate that way. All I can ask is that those of you who pray, put me on your prayer list. The loss of this job is something I've worried about for a while. I don't have any prospects in this market at my age and with my health issues. So prayer is all I know to do. 

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

A Sick Day.... or Two

I took Tuesday off to give me a four day weekend. I had hopes of doing several things... crochet, writing, reading. None of this came to pass... except a little reading today. 

You see, I was ambushed by a cold. It stated last week and I thought it was a just a little cold, over in a few days. Not so. This is the monster cold. I was supposed to go back to work today. I didn't. Instead, I went to the urgent care  this morning at 8 and was given a z-pac (antibiotics) and codeine cough medicine. I'm coughing my head off and feel like seven kinds of crap. Yes, I'm sure there are seven kinds. No, I've not personally seen them but take my word for it I feel like $^!#.

I've lain here on the sofa for the whole day, napping here and there, coughing nearly constantly with such force that I feel my head is coming off. I had a fever when I got to urgent care. Probably why I felt so achy but I ache so often I didn't realize it was a fever.He said I probably have a touch of bronchitis. I've had that before so it isn't surprising. Remember when I went to Florida two summers ago and was so sick I was sure that I couldn't fly? This is not as bad but a close second. I don't ache so much tonight but my throat is raw, my nose is stuffy, I'm still coughing but I took something for that so not so much. When I go to bed I'll take the narcotic cough meds and hope I sleep better. I've had about five horrible nights. I have a doctor's note to stay off till Friday. 

I caught this from someone at work. I wish when they are sick they'd stay in their own office! I have to start being aggressive in prevention measure. May need  a bottle of sanitize on my desk and those bleach wipes to take everywhere I go in the building! 

I know, impossible when you work with folks not to catch stuff. 

I'm done for tonight. Not sure when I'll be back on. 

Places I've Been and Haven't Been

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family, and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

I may have been in Continent, but I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing.

I didn't write it but I wish I had. Received from GCFL.com.

World Collapse Explained in 3 Minutes

Thanks Chris! Very clear

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

A Terrible Day

This morning I am so sick. I coughed all night. A storm blew in and the power went our around 11:30 or midnight. I as in bed and I usually have music playing at night for about an hour. I'm usually asleep by the time it goes off so it helps me drift off. It went off abruptly. Rain and thunder and lightening took its place. I had to call Mike on the cell phone to call the power company. The lights on the next street were still on so it was probably just some transformer that was knocked out. I went to sleep. They called at 5 a.m to ask if my power was back on! I pressed 1 and went back to sleep.

My cleaning lady has been away now for two weeks. I'm beginning to feel it. I vacuumed the floors, stripped the bed and flipped the mattress - something I'm thinking I'll feel tomorrow. I have a queen-sized bed. And really it isn't hard to flip them generally... stand it on end, pull the bottom toward you and let it slide. I've done it for years but usually had someone on the other side to stabilize it and push from that side. It can be done alone... but it isn't fun. Still had to be done and it is. I need a new one but have simply put it off. We bought that mattress probably a few years before Jerry died. I'd say it is probably nearly 10 years old. 

The wind is whipping the wind chimes around like mad. They are jingling and jangling steadily. The temps have already dropped to 52 and I suspect they were nearly 70 when I got up this morning. I was dressed too warmly and had to change and now I'm feeling cool. I even tuned off the head for several hours. When I realized the temp had begun to fall I turned it back on but the house is still 70 degrees.

I really feel terrible and when I'm done will probably go find a place to lie down and nap. I am supposed to go back to work tomorrow. I hope I can function. The way I feel now I don't know. At the moment, I'm going to get something warm on as my arms are cold. 


A Moment with Her Royal Highness

Monday, January 16, 2012

Long Weekend

I'm off today for MLK Day and I took tomorrow off as well. So, my weekend is only half over. The kicker is that I have a cold. I've been coughing for several days before the weekend started. Since Friday night, I've done very little but cough and crochet. I felt fairly lousy Saturday and Sunday, never leaving the house for anything. Yep, stayed in both days, lying around in my chair watching t.v. shows and working on the crochet.

 Must remember to get photos up today. It is really kind of nice. This square is very difficult to do, not because I don't know how to do it but the instructions are just lousy and they change with each row. So it isn't as if I can learn the pattern quickly. I have eight rows and each one is different. And I use three different colors on each square. Lot to keep up with. Using one color helps when you're doing crochet, so if you're learning it is one less thing. I liked working with the verigated yarns on the last two projects. Also, a constantly changing row is not good while you're learning. The easiest thing to make is a granny square and you can modify it in so many ways after you learn that basic pattern. 

I haven't been writing, although last night I backed up my story and made a duplicate in Scrivener. I have no idea how to start editing. LOL, I've never reached this stage before so it is totally new territory. I'm terrified to take anything out or move anything for fear I'll want it back. Also noticed that for me, intellectually, the story is done but it isn't. I realize that is a hindrance. 

Still, today, I'm going to try and work on it. This is much harder than writing it. 

The neck has been gradually feeling better, not well, just not hurting as much. I have no idea if it is due to the change in position I'm using to work on the computer or if it is a temporary remission. I have those from time to time. Most  pain, at the moment, is under control, meaning that it is bearable at this time. Is it gone? No. On a scale of 1-10 (which in my world is way too low a scale) it is probably a 2 or 3 at this moment. Knees are not hurting. Hands - not hurting. Feet - don't like being walked on. Back - meh, a 2. Shoulder - a 2. Neck - depends on what I'm doing but sitting here, very still a 2. I still need a lower table to type on if I'm sitting in a living room chair or on the sofa. 

I spent the afternoon running some errands - ink for the printer & lunch for Mike and I, meds for me -- and later taking Sarah for a chocolate shake and a short trip to Big Lots. I am at home alone now and I'm feeling rather lousy. My chest is tight and I am coughing. I bought some stuff to break up the congestion and still keep me from hacking up a lung. We'll see.

It is safe to say I've accomplished nothing of merit today unless it was informational via the blogs. And some won't appreciate that. Ah well, the perils of finding many things interesting and a need to insist others do the same. It was all interesting to me.

I am gone now. I need to find a comfy spot and lie down. I'll be around tomorrow for sure but not sure how much. I must find a way to get the writing begun. I an only sort things so much. Even crochet is not appealing at the moment.

Killing Time

The internet is fascinating today! I've run across so much stuff! This one I found interesting, particularly in light of the novel I'm working on.

What FACEBOOK and GOOGLE are Hiding from world.

For Purposes of Occupy Clarity

Just to clarify, for me, if no one else, here are the demands of the Occupy movement as posted on THEIR website. If you can't find more than five things wrong with this there is something wrong with your thinking.

My comments are in parentheses. They are not meant to please or entertain you. Until you can ban my free speech... my house, my rules. You can say what you like in the comment section and I reserve the right to delete anything I think is inappropriate. Cause I know there are some who will just find I need to be corrected.
  • Repeal the Taft-Hartley Act. Unionize ALL workers immediately. ( Taft Hartley was enacted because of Union abuses! I don't WANT to pay Union Dues. READ THE @#$% SCHOOL BOOKS! Unions collect huge fees for membership.)
  • Raise the minimum wage immediately to $18/hr. Create a maximum wage of $90/hr to eliminate inequality. (Bumps me to low income immediately, and um. . . just raised the cost of every item in the nation to triple it's current cost to cover said wages and following benefits. )
  • Institute a 6 hour workday, and 6 weeks of paid vacation. (LOL, shuts down any business operating 24 hrs a day and increase cost of merchandise. Go for it. I hate Walmart anyway.)
  • Institute a moratorium on all foreclosures and layoffs immediately. (No cost housing? Who's going to invest in and build that kind of housing? Besides, if you eliminate private ownership of property (see below) you won't be worrying about foreclosures.)
  • Repeal racist and xenophobic English-only laws.
  • Open the borders to all immigrants, legal or illegal. Offer immediate, unconditional amnesty, to all undocumented residents of the US. (Let's just go right now to a ONE World system... yeah! Excuse me, I don't think requiring anyone to speak the language of the country they reside in is racist or xenophobic. If I go to Germany, Spain, France,or Russia I have to know the language to survive. So, who is going to pay for interpreters for millions of people.. cause you violate my civil rights if you don't have someone with me for every school day, every business transaction, every legal issue... yeah, ever single one I want a personal translator.)
  • Create a single-payer, universal health care system. (Um.. who pays? Cause it ain't free.)
  • Pass stricter campaign finance reform laws. Ban all private donations. All campaigns will receive equal funding, provided by the taxpayers. (I don't want to fund your kind of politician.)
  • Institute a negative income tax, and tax the very rich at rates up to 90%. (I'm for a fair tax rate but I doubt this is fair. I say same rate for everyone regardless of income. That way, the more you make the more you pay. But be aware, as I am, that a fair tax rate such as you suggest will absolutely stifle investments and growth in building. If I have less money, I'm hanging on to it and not giving you a dime. You're already getting my profits.)
  • Pass far stricter environmental protection and animal rights laws. (Um.. as long as you keep the excess population of animals at your house, go ahead. But I'm not paying for medical for animals and I'm not paying for housing animals)
  • Allow workers to elect their supervisors. (LOLOL! OMG, don't hire because they can do the job! Hire cause majority likes them. WE ALREADY HAVE THIS. It is called affirmative action! This is highly amusing to me. You'd have to work where I have. ALL my supervisors were hired cause they were liked OR a minority! And they have been horrible people. And oh... you want to see racism and xenophobia?)
  • Lower the retirement age to 55. Increase Social Security benefits. (I can retire NOW. While it is ultimately stupid since there isn't enough money to pay all those now ready to retire, even non-citizens by the way, I'm totally for this as long as I get MY SHARE! Well, that is the mentality here isn't it? But if you have 20 yrs to go.. lol you won't get a dime! Cause it will be all gone. Oh oh oh.. I know.. if you didn't work you can't draw! Oh wait.. darn, that's already in force.)
  • Create a 5% annual wealth tax for the very rich. (Ah, here we go! So, if I make an earth shattering discovery that results in my getting wealthy, even it my discovery helps people, I'm penalized for all my hard work. And I can't leave it to my children without giving half to you? I am supposed to PAY YOU for what I obtain by work or inheritance? How is that different from the current inheritance taxes, which are terrible for everyone! Go ahead, stifle creativity, investments, and growth in every arena. Why would I bother to invest my money to get richer when you're going to take more of it?)
  • Ban the private ownership of land. (Excuse me? So you're taking the property that I've improved and worked for 20 years? I don't think so. I'll burn it down and salt the ground. This particular demand is totally a socialist/communist design. This will immediately result in substandard housing. If you don't believe it, look at the Soviet Unions former plan. They did this. ONLY the rich party members and those favored by them, lived well. READ THE SCHOOL BOOKS! WATCH THE OLD DOCUMENTARIES! And look around at those who live currently live in subsidized homes owned by other people. They trash them. I could show you horrific photos every single day! I work in subsidized housing! Why worry about taking care of something that you don't have to repair. You can just move somewhere else. They do it right now every day on American subsidized housing.)
  • Make homeschooling illegal. Religious fanatics use it to feed their children propaganda. (And you're not feeding them the propaganda in schools? LOL, what a crock! Suppression of religious freedom. Hmmm, so we ARE abolishing the constitution and religions rights in this country! Why don't these people just call it what it is.. Socialism and Communism! )
  • Reduce the age of majority to 16. (LOL actually in some states it already is and has been for decades. So what is this actually about then? UM. . . they are easily led, immature, and make unsound judgments for the most part. And we want them to vote! I KNOW yours are smarter! But they all aren't Einstines. I have my doubts about YOU! The other thing is as minors they have certain limits on taxation if they are working... and many do, hmmmm, so you want more of their money too? Uh huh )
  • Abolish the death penalty and life in prison. We call for the immediate release of all death row inmates from death row and transferred to regular prisons. (Oh come on, just let them all go! And who will pay for this kinder, gentler prisons? NOT YOU! And do you really think you will reform them? Now who's the fanatic?)
  • Release all political prisoners immediately. (Why? OH... sorry, this also includes terrorist.. um yes, their incarceration is politically based. They aren't terrorist in THEIR country... just in ours. Of course you could put them to death because of their religious beliefs... propaganda you know.)
  • Immediate withdrawal from Iraq and Afghanistan. (I'm ALL for this one. Let them just kill one another and be done with it.)
  • Abolish the debt limit. (LOL... I think they already have and you just didn't get the memo.)
  • Ban private gun ownership. (Why? So only military and police can carry them and do what every country has always done in these cases. Establish Martial Law. They do that a lot in S. America and Africa. Um that was in the books too.)
  • Strengthen the separation of church and state. (Just say it here. Abolish religion and prohibit religious people from participating government. This has always been the Socialist and Communist mantra. Limit religious expression. Burn the books that tell about it.... rewrite the books so it paints this doctrine in a better light.)
  • Immediate debt forgiveness for all. (LOL, this from people who can't get loans because they defaulted on their credit cards after having run up huge debts paying for all their toys. Let's get real here. If you get rid of your cell phone, cable tv, internet, and video consoles and games, you probably could pay for your housing, food, utilities and send you kids to Ivy League school, assuming they can pass the entrance exam.. or are you proposing abolishing entrance exams? Oh, why am I not surprised.. they're biased!)
  • End the 'War on Drugs'. (Brilliant. Drugs are costing you too much, right?)
To Clarify where I stand:

As you can see, I have strong feelings, virtually all negative, about the Occupy movement. I'll save the everyone an ongoing political rant and do it in one. The we can move on to more entertaining and fun stuff.

I got what I have by hard work and persistence and frankly, I'm not willing to share it with those who do not do as I have done. I grew up on hand-me-downs, commodities (before food stamps), and lived in Public Housing ( the Projects). My grandparents were low income. But he worked as a carpenter so he always had a job in the South. He worked 5 days a week, up at dawn and in bed just after sunset. Yes, he drank on wee-ends. So, I know what poor means and I know what "want" means. We raised chickens to have eggs. We raised a couple of pigs to give us meat, we had a garden to get vegetables. Mama canned so we had food all winter. I fed chickens, pigs and canned. I learned to sew to make my own clothes cause Mama made everything I wore. No store bought clothes except for a undergarments and holidays dresses. I was TAUGHT to educate myself and GO TO WORK. I had no health insurance EVER until 1977, when my husband joined the Army. Prior to that we had no social welfare ever.. just ONE minimum wage job. He couldn't find a job after a layoff... so he joined up. We lived adequately, but with no frills for 15 years and raised two children. After he had to leave the service in 1993 I was still enrolled in college and we survived without food stamps, government housing, and medical insurance. We worked. Temp jobs, both of us. His $800 medical pension kept a roof over our head but not much else. No one helped us. We made it. I finished college and he got sicker. I've worked at my job 13 years, despite increasing, chronic, often debilitating pain. I will have to do this until I either die or can afford to retire or they decide I'm a liability and fire me.

I do not expect you folks who have jobs and money to support me. I don't want what you worked hard to get. I do not know what I will do if I lose my job but you know what? It is not anyone else's responsibility but mine. I don't expect society to take care of me. I expect to do what we were all intended to do. Work in some fashion. I don't need frills, fancy cars, cell phones, internet, computers, and uptown clothes. Those things are luxuries obtained through financial means an unless you steal the money to buy them.... you work for money. If I can't pay for it, I get rid of it. That is the logical and sane way of living. I am not at all offended by the fact that there are some really rich folks around. I don't feel that they should have to lessen their finances to appease me and make me "as good at they are". Cause I'm not driven by that kind of thinking. I'm as good as anyone, just not as well off as others. But because of my choices, I'm not as bad off as I could have been.

One source I read says the Occupy movement wants "banks to take responsibility for the growing gap between the rich and the poor." Well, if you weren't lazy.... don't tell me that doesn't apply here. I SEE it every stinking day! People don't want to work . I have employers tell me, "I can't find people who want to work. They come in here and expect me to pay them to stand around on the cell phone or talking all day." I've heard this several time just in the last month. So there are jobs, just not the ones they want. Or they want to be paid to do their own thing. People have become so addicted to texting they can't even keep a job! That's why droves of illegals can come into this country and go to work. Because Americans are now too good to do what they deem "dirty work".

Everything I've heard and read gives me the impression that the occupy movement is about "I have a right to have what you have and if I can't get it by working you need to give it to me because it is my right. And if you don't, I'll just eliminate you and yours". That is socialism at its basest form and I am totally and irrevocably against socialism. I lived through the era that saw it bloom and die in the Soviet Union and various other places. It's a weed that brings no beauty to society.People die under repressive regimes. No thank you. America did not become great by socialism. It was a nation of people who came with nothing and CREATED something. It is now a nation of people who want to do nothing and to have everything HANDED to them and paid for by other people they believe have kept them down. And it is a lie.

I dare anyone to track the social, economic and moral decay of American society. What year did it begin? Not 200 years ago. It began in MY lifetime. I'm 55. You do the math. I've watched a nation of statesmen, inventors, and brilliant minds give way to lazy, greedy, selfish, self-centered, ignorant, and yes, ungodly creatures interested only in their own creature comforts. They are not for equality. They are suggesting that the rights of millions be stripped so they can have what they want. So how is that different from what they accuse others of doing right now?

Not a single one of these demands benefits the nation as a whole. They benefit those who will be in charge of enforcing it, who will rule with iron fist. It will be enforced by a military or police state. The reason this generation is all for it is because they never saw it in action. They never saw people running out of Eastern Europe to find a better life. They didn't see them shot in the back as they attempted to jump fences and walls. They never lived behind the Berlin Wall and they never lived in Soviet Russia as one of those at the bottom of that regime.

This phase of history is well documented, not just in history books but in diaries, home movies, newspapers. But we live in a supremely, and happily ignorant society. One that lives in realities created in a small box and flashed on a screen. They have not lived in such a society....Historically, there have been many social experiments of utopia. They all, every single one, failed for the same reasons. They do not long term. What was the life span of Soviet Russia?

We are in the process of restructuring American society... something that worked for 200 years, by the way, into something totally unrecognizable by the creators of that society. Washington would have been stunned by the kind of citizens that now reside in this country... and not favorably stunned.

I believe it will happen, despite my objections. They are going to get what they desire. We religious fanatics have always believed that this was coming. Thousands of ministers have preached if for hundreds of years and they are proving us right.

God help us all.

Now, I'm done. Y'all don't have to agree.

Read more:

OWS Occupies an already Occupied home - NYPOST.com


I don't do politics often. They bore me. As far as I'm concerned, everyone has an agenda and it is usually selfish. And all I've read about the "movement" up to this point has done nothing to change my mind. This is a nice example of politics in action, socialist politics (aka Robin Hood Politics).

Thursday, January 12, 2012


Interesting things, corners. A place where walls come together and things are hidden. Not a good place to be in a fight. 

Dust collects in corners and for some reason paper will collect there, too. Probably because air flows in a circular pattern and the very shape of the corner prevents things pushed there from being pulled out. Since they are a place where air won't flow some builders put a window in them, thus solving two problems - air and an escape route.

Of course, corners can be very busy places where you can stand and watch people passing and maybe run into someone you know. Or they can be rounded. Life has you in a bad place and you "round a corner" and there's a solution, a cure, a brighter day. 

There are even songs about corners. Isn't that odd? Brighten the Corner Where You Are, Standing On the Corner (watching all the girls go by), Down On the Corner (out in the street). These are fun, upbeat, and hopeful corners where good things happen to people and life flows.

Apparently corners are also places to sit and contemplate your misdeeds. Little Jack Horner and Dennis the Menace spend time in them. Jack finds something to encourage him while Dennis, well, he simply finds ways to prolong his stay. Maybe it is safer there.

My corner today feels like the rounded kind. I don't know what that means since there is nothing but dreary cloud covered sky and snow flurries falling. A cold, windy corner. Still it feels like the rounded kind where you step around it and something unexpected but pleasant is waiting. 

One hopes that this, in fact, is one of those corners and  not a curb. Curbs don't tend to have any positive aspects. I mean, think about it... no one brightens the curb. No, curbs tend to have a connection with buses. That's a post for another day.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012


The days have grown longer but the sun is about 10 degrees from the horizon and streaming directly into my window. One hour and I can go home. It will go down completely by that time.

I'm not in a very good mood. I'm tired and I remembered that tomorrow is my anniversary or was our anniversary. It would have been the 38th. It is odd how even the thought of it is like this stabbing pain in my chest. I don't know when that will stop. If it will stop.

My plan is to go home and get a very hot bath and get comfortable. I have no idea what I'll eat. Nothing sounds remotely interesting.

The day has been rather boring. I've worked but slowly and with no enthusiasm. Just plodding along trying to make a bigger dent in the mess. Tomorrow is recertifications. I think we have 124 scheduled between 8:15 & 11:15. That's seven scheduled every hour. If things go as usual, about half won't bother to show up.

I'm going now. May be back later. May not.

One Day Down...Three to Go!

Felt like I'd stepped off a curb just as the proverbial bus happened by. My right leg did no want to work this morning. I'm not doctor but this just isn't right. And they keep ignoring it. I shuffled down the hall until I could get it moving but I nearly fell. And on the way here I had sharp pain in the lower right quadrant of my back... (sigh) And my left shoulder and neck hurts. I just took two acetaminophen.

I go over this sort of stuff because it is the easiest way to keep a record of it. LOL, so you can skip that part if you like.

Regarding WRoE, I finished merging last night. I didn't get started till late but it took about an hour to finish it up. I ended up with roughly 66,000 words all together according to Scrivener. About 8,000 of those I have no idea where they go in the story. All of them won't for certain. Remember this is a work I started as a lark and it has changed considerably over time. And there is more writing to do. 

I'm dreading the rest of it. The opening is still not clearly defined. But... the tedium of merging the two stories is done and for that I am truly thankful.

I started my work morning watching Celtic Thunder. I love this group. You either smile or you cry but either way it is a pleasure. I posted videos, as most of you probably know by now. I have to get some CD's! I'm a sap for Celtic music anyway. 

O.k. who knew Celtic men could sing like that and look so good. Must plan a trip to Ireland or Scotland. Problem is the language barrier.... I love the sound of their speech but can't understand them sometimes. Of course, I could just sit and listen and not worry about understanding if a fella looked like these guys! 

All right. Now I have to go clean the keyboard ... drool everywhere. Hope you all have a good day.

Monday, January 9, 2012

Take Me Home

I remember when I was a child hearing Mama sing a song to the tune of the one they sing in this video but I can't for the life of me I can't remember the words. They may be the same but I just don't know. I just know this is so beautiful and makes me homesick.

Celtic Thunder

My new favorite boy group!

A Gilded Monday

We don't, of late, get them very often. The sun is shinning in a blue heaven covered with sheer, gauzy clouds. It is still cold at 43F but when you can look out on such a day from a warm room it is bearable.

I feel o.k. Which, when you think about it, is a slight improvement. I didn't feel o.k. last week. The neck is a bit better. I've stopped sitting on the sofa for several days now. Saturday night I used the kitchen table again but moved to one of the living room chairs. I put a cushion on the coffee table and put my feet up and got my portable computer table. I spent the afternoon there yesterday watching t.v. and crocheting. 

I also took acetaminophen for pain and I think it helped a bit. I slept better the last several nights but that never last. One takes what one gets. 

I am still working on the novel merge. It is a laborious process. I have about 12,000 words to go. I will be so glad to get done with it. I still need to decide on how to open this story. I have the beginning of the story but the opening scene has to be a very big hook and that's where I'm having problems. I have to convey this is a psychic spy in that first scene and it is harder than you think. I can't say  he's a psychic spy. I have to show it. So, challenge but one to be dealt with later, thank goodness.

I went to church yesterday morning and last night. I'm so out of practice doing that and I now get so sleepy by 9 p.m. that it was very difficult. I thought about doing that Saturday service instead of the Sunday night one before and I may revisit that. I may try it and see how it works first. 

Tonight I will go home and make every attempt to finish the novel merge and be ready to start on the real work after that. My idea is to work on some sort of outline first. I really need to get the full story arc in my mind and then take each section. 

Now I must get back to work.

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Mama Knew Everything

I am just about to get back to work on my novel but I saw this article and could not resist to post my thoughts about it.

In the mid-1960-'s when the United States Space Program really took off my Mama (grandmother) and I were watching something on the television about it. Probably one of the lunar landings. I've never forgotten in all these years what she said.

"The only reason they are rushing to space is because they are looking for a place they think will be safe. They know that this old world is not going to last. They want to be sure they get off before it happens because they think they can escape it but they can't."

Stephen Hawking is considered one of the most brilliant minds of our times. He is an atheist.

My mama was a devout Christian. Long before Hawking had figured out his version of the secret to the universe Mama knew it already and she didn't need a doctorate to figure it out. She read it in a Book because she knew Someone.

Mama really did know everything!

WRoE Progress Report: A Page of Kat's Book

I took Kat's advice this morning and made a back up of my NaNo 2011 The Dream Stealer. I probably have one and it is still in Google Docs but just to be safe I made another. I took a word count in Open Office and it came to 53,220 words. Then, per Kat's advice. I deleted the text I've already pasted to Scrivener and the main work in progress (WIP) - The Dream Stealer. The NaNo version is now down to 40,834!

I've only copied 1/5th of the thing! In the Scrivener version there are 25,738 wds! Allowing for differences in word counting methods between programs, I had around 15,000 words to start with.

I also have to allow for the fact that some of what I have is totally useless. Some of it is not actually going to be used because it is meaningless for this story or is just bad writing. So, let's be conservative and say another 10,000 words won't appear in the next version. In Scrivener I can actually put them in my slush folder, a folder for stuff I don't know what to do with, that stinks, or doesn't belong for other reasons.

I've been up since 7:30. I went to bed at 9:30 last night. I was just exhausted. It is happening a lot of late. I didn't write at all because I could barely stay upright. I've been off my diet now for several weeks and I think it is telling on me. Must get back to low carbs. Got to say it appears to be the best thing for me. I felt better.

So, now I get back to copy/paste and hope I can get this done in a few more days. I've lost time this week but I'm learning something about how I procrastinate, what gets me off track. I think I'm moving ahead two steps and back one but that's still progress. Being aware, keeping track and a having to follow a performance system seems to be something I do better with...at least at the moment.

It's 43 degrees here today. I want to go get a peppermint mocha but will wait until I've done my work. I have a really bad back ache this morning, from my neck to my lower back. I'd give anything for a really good back rub today. I can't get comfortable in any position at the moment. I was on the sofa trying to work but it became unbearable. I'm in the kitchen now, sitting on a cushioned chair. It is only moderately better. I can see the day ending badly if I can't get some relief.

I'll catch up later with everyone. Have a good day.

The Piano Guys - I missed this one!

Thursday, January 5, 2012

WRoE Day Three Progress Report

Actually yesterday was day three. I didn't get to a post last night but I suspect the day after is more appropriate of a progress report for the day before. 

I was so tired when I got home. I had stopped at the grocery store, going a couple miles out of the way because I went to the wrong store first. So it was nearly 6 p.m. when I got home.

I immediately made some cream of chicken soup. I ate and watch something. I read blogs. Then, I got a hot shower and sat down. Worked on another square, which I kept messing up , miscounting stitches and doing the wrong row. I finally got it going but did not finish the square. I watched another show and then made myself get up and work on my novel for an hour. Unlike Monday night, it was so overwhelming. There are just pages and pages of new stuff I have to sort and put into place. I still don't have the story order well structured in my head so it makes it hard. Does this go here? Or is this later? That doesn't seem to be usable in the story at all! Will I need this or should I make a slush folder for it? 

That's what I spent most of the hour doing last night. And going through it to be sure I had marked all those already moved. I found early on that everything I move to the main work I have to change the font color in the NaNo work to let me know I've already moved it. That way I don't waste time re-reading scads of stuff I already dealt with. I have at least 45000 words to go! I don't need or want to keep continually going over finished sections.

I finally gave up. I was too tired to be effective and found myself confused by the disorder. So, I shut down and went to bed. I was even too tired for bed and tried to read a bit but exhaustion won after about 15 minutes. I don't remember falling asleep. 

Now, I'm getting ready to head for work. For the record, I'm still in the early stages of WRoE and working out my schedule and my determination. It is a difficult plan. But honestly it is the only thing that will work for me. I learned that not doing the writing first, before everything else, is probably bad. I have to have an hour at least to work and waiting until I'm blind with tiredness won't do it. I knew my job drained me but I think this holiday showed me just how much. I put a lot of energy in getting through the day. The days of being able to go 18 hours at capacity are over. I did it for NaNo but I felt terrific for most of October and all of November. I am having pain issues at the moment so a deterrent.

Tonight is writer's meeting and I won't get a lot done before that but there is nearly an hour before the meeting so I will probably work on it instead of crochet. 

I do not know if I'll update daily. May just keep a record for myself somehow and post on the Accountability day. 

All I can say is it is working all right, if not smoothly.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Here We Be

Already at the 4th of January, 2012. I'm getting ready for work, actually am ready but about to brush my teeth and head out. As predicted, the gate that let me log on at here and FB at work has be closed and locked. I knew when Jay returned from the holiday it would happen. LOL, probably for the best.

I didn't do any writing last night. I came in, cooked a small meal, sat down and caught up on blog reading and then got a hot shower after I cleaned the kitchen. Shower done, I watched a couple of t.v. shows while while crocheting another square for Sarah's spread. It is the second one I've done. I will have to work this in to my schedule. At the moment, it takes probably an hour to do a square. I'm still learning the pattern and am making a lot of mistakes. Once I have the pattern down it will go fast but until then it is tedious, particular last night for some reason. If I can do one a night I'll have 30 squares in a month. I doubt I'll be able to do that rate.

I sat up too late as well. My intention was to write an hour but I was really tired after the first day back. People were simply crazy last night. One caller chewed me out and insulted a case manager because she wasn't answering her phone at 8 a.m. O.k. it is first of the month after a four day weekend and pay day for landlords. And we have 300 other people we we deal with. This guy was a jerk of the first order. He's also new on the program. He now has Dixie's red flag on his forehead. We don't forget the jerks and it isn't wise to tic off a case manager whose help you may need in a real emergency. I informed his case manager and told her to be prepared.

Two days to the weekend. Can I make it? I hope so. Have a good, warm day. It is 31 here!

How to Install a Kitchen Sink

Monday, January 2, 2012

WRoE Begins

This is my first post regarding my Writer's Rules of Engagement challenge to myself. I officially started today and I'm feeling pretty good about it. Although, after three hours of work, I'm wanting a good t.v. show! But I can't. 

I've spent several hours now working on consolidating my 2011 NaNo novel into The Dream Stealer (my WIP). It is tedious and time consuming. I have to search the NaNo work and find pieces to copy and paste into the WIP in the supposed place it goes. Remember, my NaNo was written missing pieces of the WIP, or rather, things I felt were missing. Now it is actually like putting together a puzzle. 

I'm tired and I have taken a couple of breaks between tasks. One was to take a hot shower. The other was to read that stupid new bill... that took a few hours. However, when I was done I was more than ready to get back to Simon. 

I have to say, truly once again, I love this story. Every time I read over parts of it, I'm enthralled. I can't believe I wrote any of it. Of course, I may find it suck when sent out for readers. 

Speaking of which, if I ever get to readers, I will need volunteers. My plan will be to send hard copies to the readers to mark it up. Yes, hard copies. No way am I wading through a dozen computer file copies to try and make sense of reader notes and suggestions. My first draft is going to be a nightmare as it is. I really want to get this order down tight before I do anything else. So, keep it in mind. Once I get to reader stage, I need readers.

Now, it is ice cream break and then I get back to work.