Amazing Recovery or Fluke?

Ok, maybe not amazing. I have no idea what has happened. I have felt so good today that I actually went out and put my flower seeds in the flat so they will spout. I may not get to plant them for two weeks but I'm good with that. If I could feel this good every day, life might be bearable.

I came home and prepared supper for me and Dave. Mike came in and so he ate, too. Dave had Sarah this evening so Sarah and I spent the evening in the back yard putting the seed in and even planting marigolds around the post on the patio. She loves planting things. She pick up her first wiggle worm, earth worm to those of you not raised in the South. It was hysterical. She squealed and said, "He's so cute!" Have I mentioned here that I tell her that her nickname is Ellie Mae? For those who don't understand the reference, Google The Beverly Hillbillies.

It was a good evening. I took some photos with my new phone and even a video which, when I save them, automatically uploads them to a G+ album. That is so cool! I have access to all my Google features - email, calendar, G+, photo albums, contact list. Everything! So nice to have. But I hate these honking big phones. I bet before it is over they'll be as big as the first cell phones. I loved my LG flip phone. Did what I wanted and all I had to do was say "Call _____" and it repeated it verbally, then it dialed the number for me. I can say that to this phone and it ASK me in text if that is the number I want, I have to then tap the text and then it dials. So, if I have to use my hands anyway, what good is that feature? And the constant need to recharge! I have always gone a week without recharging my phones. What is that about? Wimpy batteries or power hungry apps that serve no purpose.

Anyway, felt very good today. I actually think my problem may be blood sugar related. I'm going to get a meter this week and start checking it when I have that horrible feeling again. If it isn't blood sugar, I don't know what else it could be.

I go for a massage tomorrow to a therapeutic massage place. Dave working on my back and neck last night really made a difference and I'm so looking forward to the one tomorrow.

I have to start packing for the trip soon. I haven't even begun because I've been so sick I wasn't sure I'd be able to go. I still don't know what will happen between now and Saturday. One day at a time.

Must go now as it is getting late and I am trying to get to bed earlier each evening. Lack of sleep is making things a lot worse. I slept really good last night and hope for the same tonight.

Moving the Rocks on the Ledge

I got to work on time. I'm not where I was last Wednesday, but I'm still battling some fatigue. Not as much. I've got some dizziness as well. One ear is really ringing. So why one ear? I have congestion in my head, so maybe that's it. But wonder of wonders... very little pain elsewhere. Praise God! Dealing with one thing is way easier than a half dozen.

I'm job hunting. No, they didn't lay me off. In fact, I just got my evaluation and my job performance was 100%. However, he gave me an 85 for my attendance. Don't know why since I'm only out on vacations and if I'm sick. I've had a lot of issues this year with illness, but I use the sick time I'm allotted and I only get two weeks a year. And I usually have sick time to take so if I was abusing it, how could that be? Of course, this is the same person who can't figure out how to fix a paper jam in his printer.

I'm working on my outlook. I've been so busy feeling awful that it's pretty hard to see anything but gray skies. I watched some video's this weekend by Beth Moore. I've got one of her books and I really love it. She's a Christian speaker, and she's amazing. Anyway, I watched a video When Life has you Paralyzed. I have to say it was meant for me. I've also been reading a book called The Secret Place. Both have been what I needed to hear while I was sick.

I'm also about to limit my extracurricular activities to things that matter most. I am spreading myself too thin and doing things that do not push me in the right direction. That's got to stop. A lot of things are just excuses not to do something else. Mostly, I am trying to change myself and surround myself with the things that build me up. I realize that this means removing things.

There is so much that is empty in what we do, what I do. I don't want that anymore. It is making me unhappy. Some of my "fun" things are a waste of time and really going nowhere. Some things I think I have to do are boring and really unnecessary. Some things I'm doing out of habit are time stealers. And I don't like my job anymore.

So job hunting. Removing the bad habits. Stopping wasting my time on dead-end pursuits. Will I accomplish them all? If I can get one thing done, I suspect it would help with the others. We'll see.

I'm going to try a go to the Y two or three times a week. That's hard for me because I'm really tired in the evenings. It will cut into internet time but that's one of those dead end things so I'm trying to reorganize how much I spend there. I've done less mindless internet stuff this past week than usual. So, I've started. We'll see.

Writing is a priority. I'm working on doing more but not hard enough. Rather than talk about writing, I want to write. The blog may morph again soon or I may start a new one with a different goal. Lots of ideas churning around because I couldn't do much but sit and stare out.

The title I thought sums it up. I'll be posting the usual about Life here on the Ledge.

Wanted: A Mountain Cabin & Two Bad Dogs

The vampires have been sated. They took about five vials of blood. I followed doctor's instruction and simply got up, dressed, and went. I hurt everywhere. It is astounding because I have not hurt this much in years. But I've given my blood to find out what is wrong. I hope that is enough sacrifice.

I actually had trouble sleeping. I took my medicine but drinking coffee apparently has a counter effect. Go figure. I wanted coffee. (See below.)

I've spent most of my time off reading and unsubscribing from things. I'm eliminating the excess baggage. It is time to eliminate the things that are counterproductive to my well-being. This morning I've been praying for insight to that end. Maybe everything should go and I should start over with more positive pursuits. After reading up on this adrenal fatigue, there is some hope to correct at least some of the physical problems. Clearing out one's life can be healthy. I always liked it when the Army moved us. I loved starting over with new friends, places to see, and things to do. It was like a second chance every 4 years. That's very liberating. 

I went through a period of wanting to throw away everything after Jerry died. Every three months for a year I did a stem to stern cleaning and hauled out truckloads of junk. I was horrified at the piles. I have photos to prove it. I am feeling that same need now. The junk isn't all material but is junk nonetheless. I'm hoping tomorrow will dawn sunny and warm and there won't be a lot of pain and I can clean some junk out of the house, the material stuff. My problem will be that I'm only good for about 4 hours before I crash and burn and for the rest of the day I may only be fully functional for about three hours total, and not consecutively. 

I looked up Adrenal fatigue. I never heard of it. Thanks to my friend, Nancy, I know a bit about Cushing's Disease but not adrenal fatigue, which is not Cushing's but both are caused by problems with the levels of the adrenal hormone, cortisol. And apparently they both wreak havoc on the body. Here's a list regarding adrenal fatigue I found on a site called Women to Women. They are eerily familiar.

Symptoms and health risk of sustained cortisol levels:

• Lightheadness & salt craving
• Fatigue and weakness
• Suppression of the immune system
• Muscle and bone loss
• Moodiness or depression
• Skin problems
• Hair loss
• Autoimmune disorders
• Insulin resistance
• Thyroid imbalance
• Weight gain
• Insomnia
• Aches and pains from inflammation
• Lower sex drive

Sustained high cortisol levels are dangerous because they:

• Slow down healing and normal cell regeneration.
• Co-opt parent molecules needed to make other vital hormones
• Impair digestion, metabolism and mental function
• Interfere with healthy endocrine function
• Weaken your immune system

There are apparently things I can do. They tell you and basically the same thing my doctor told me is what I have to do. 

• Avoid gluten — a protein that many women with adrenal imbalance may be sensitive to.
• Eat adequate protein at every meal — important for energy and stamina.
• Eat within an hour of waking — helps restore healthy blood sugar levels.
• Eat healthy fats.
• Eliminate all "white" food – refined sugar, flour, and grains, at least temporarily.

Now, I just have to get the blood work results and see what's really going on. But based on what I've read this is what fits all the problems I am experiencing.

Oh... and I have to avoid all the things I'm dealing with in my life...

Things that make demands on the adrenal glands:

• Lack of sleep
• Work stress
• Personality conflicts
• Yo-yo dieting
• Relationship turmoil
• Reliance on stimulants like caffeine and carbs
• Digestive problems
• Too much exercise
• Illness, infection or surgery
• Unresolved emotional issues
• Overwhelming responsibilities at home

Yeah, that's gonna be easy. I'd get me to a nunnery but I'm not Catholic. But a cabin in the mountains has always had an appeal. I used to tell Jerry that we'd retire to one. There'd be one road in and one road out and a couple of very bad dogs roaming the woods. The image is always in the back of my mind. 

I have to go now. Just had a dizzy spell and feel sick. I've been up since 7 a.m. and it is nearly 11 a.m. now. That's 4 hours. Right on target.

My heartfelt thanks go out to all those praying friends who have responded to my requests for prayer. I've made many this week. Despite all the medical knowledge in the world, I know where the only solution to any problem lies. When I can't help myself, I know He does. 

Hi Ho, Hi Ho.... Ho Hum.........

I'm back at work today and just as I suspected, the work was lying exactly where I left it! However, I am not very motivated to deal with it. 

I do not feel .... I don't know what I feel. I'm tired and I want to go back to bed but I slept fine. I got up when the clock went of. I don't hurt especially bad anywhere, just the usual aches that virtually never stop. I'm just tired and that's probably a bad sign. If you get enough sleep you shouldn't be tired. Right?

For breakfast, I ate a bowl of grits. They were hot, soft, and buttery and a lot easier on my stomach than anything else I could think of to eat. Good grits are nearly the consistency mashed potatoes without lumps. Grits should never, ever have lumps, feel sandy, or be watery. They should not be the consistency of Play Doh^(c) either. I can't explain it. I just know how to make them.

For lunch, I'm thinking a salad. I don't know if that is what Carolyn wants but if not, I'll go alone. I am not very good company either anyway. 

Tonight I think Dave has Sarah for a while. Not sure. She's been doing really good with school again and she is in after school care for a couple of hours because her mother went to work.

I am going to try and work on the novel again. I've been working in fits and starts. Mostly arranging things to get a logical sequence of events. I kind of know what that is. I've had to stop reading the stuff too much and just write a synopsis onto the index cards on the cork board so I can sort it by summary.

Graphic Courtesy Google - I'll put one of mine up once I make it.

What I'm doing looks a bit like the graphic to the left. It is the cork board view. One problem I had was that I had not written synopsis notes on the cork board index cards for each scene. I had done it for some but not most.  Incidentally, you create the note cards in that yellow space on the top left of the graphic. It is called Synopsis. Duh. I discovered that not writing as synopsis is actually a handicap. You don't have to do it. It just makes things easier if you do.

How does it make it easier? Well, because my story is a jumbled mess of scenes it makes it hard to know what goes where. I can move sections around easily but I needed an overview. 

There is an outline feature but I was not getting anything helpful when I pulled it up and had no idea how to get it to work. The graphic below is what that looks like when it is created correctly. When I tried to view my outline of the novel to see the sequence of events, the center column, the synopsis section, of that colored area was fairly blank. 

I found that when I did a summary of each scene in the synopsis section, it showed up in two places: on the index card on the cork board AND this synopsis section filled in! This has helped enormously.

Once that is done, I hope I will be able to see where things don't fit and move them. Moving them is as easy as drag and drop. Then, I can rewrite things. 

Now, I've spent a lot of time on this and if you don't use Scrivener, none of that will make sense and today... I just don't have any interest in explaining it. Suffice it to say that the writing program I am using is awesome with lots of bells and whistles. 

Icky Day, All Day

The weekend was wet and cold and Monday is more of the same. I am home sick today. I don't know what I have...  some sort of stomach virus. I seem to have all the usual ugly symptoms that accompany stomach upset except vomiting. God is good cause that particular symptom never ends well for me. I still feel rather icky. My stomach just doesn't feel very good.

Last night I worked on my WIP a bit. I did some moving of scenes and getting the structure more organized. I actually felt like I accomplished something at one point. It suddenly seemed as if some things were jelling. We'll see. The thing needs a huge rewrite and that terrifies me no end. I'm going to continue to get the random sections from NaNo 2011 woven into it and then see what's missing. I see more writing in my future. I just wish Simon would start his incessant chatter again. I write much better when he just dictates it to me.

I ate scrambled eggs at lunch and some bacon. Well, I was starving by then since I was too sick to eat breakfast. And I felt like my stomach had settled down. However, the eggs didn't set well and I felt worse afterward. In fact, well... never mind. Best not share that bit. Suffice it to say that I could have driven to Florida for free. Must go now. Stomach just doesn't fancy sitting up. I've been lying down most of the day, watching Midsomer Murders. Probably why my writing sounds suspiciously British today. LOL.

Anyway, I'm thinking soup for supper. We'll see. Hope your day has been better than mine.

A Yawning Chasm

I fell into it. Well, it feels like I did. I woke at 8:35 a.m. to the sound of my clock telling me it was 8:35. It talks, you see. Anyway, as soon as I knew I was awake I realized I'd fallen off a cliff and was lying at the bottom on jagged rocks.

I hurt everywhere. And the sky is heavily overcast and 46F. I tried to sleep a bit longer but only managed about 15 minutes before the pain became unbearable. So, having had my coffee I find myself in my chair working on a blog.

Hands feel crushed. Neck feels broken. Knees and ankles feel hammered. Those areas hurt the most. I'm going to get a hot shower and see if it helps. I'm out of acetaminophen, took the last two last night at bed time. I will go get some more today. . . if the shower helps. I'll go sooner if not. Even my chest wall between my neck and the top of my breast feels bruised.

The plan is, after I do the accounting duties I will work on my novel. I have to find some comfortable position or this will only get worse before it clears. I'm not happy.

I could sit and crochet. The hands hurt but aren't stiff. It would only be uncomfortable, not impossible to crochet.

It is going to be a rough day if the shower doesn't work.

Gray Matter

Thursday dawned... scratch that. Thursday didn't dawn... it morphed. Everything went from black to a blanket of gray. Heavy fog greeted me when I lifted the garage door. It was cold but not miserably so, in fact, warmer than yesterday and damp. And now, at 2 p.m . it still looks like it did this morning, but the fog has lifted slightly... but it is all gray.

I am still coughing, although less than before and the stuff in my chest has decided to release, allowing my lungs to clear a bit more with each cough. 

Now, my head must be the fountain of youth because my nose is a running spring. I didn't realize you could hold that much stuff inside your sinus cavities. It is horrendous and until this week the nose wasn't even an issue! I blew my nose over the weekend and it went into the Eustachian tube (runs between your ear and throat to allow your ears to drain) and nearly fell over with a horrendous dizzy spell. This is a totally new thing to me. I've never had such an experience as that and and find if I never do again. It took ten minutes for that to pass and for days now I've been having mild balance issues and trouble hearing. Several times the stuff was pushed into my ear when I had to blow my nose. Really unpleasant and I seem to have no way to prevent it...well, I did start blowing in a different manner to try and prevent it - with only moderate success. Although why it is going backwards when I'm blowing forward makes no sense.

Mike is also sick with the same thing. He has a doctor's appointment tomorrow anyway and it is a good thing. 

I have a writer's meeting tonight. I'm looking forward to it and I hope it is productive. Although, I haven't been writing the last two weeks it is always helpful to run ideas by everyone. I think all but one of us will be there tonight. Unless someone backs out.

I sat and worked on Saran's spread last night until about 9:15 a.m. It is going to be really colorful and so pretty. I'm eager to get it finished but at the rate I'm going it is going to be several months. Each square takes me a couple of hours. I'm at the point that I'm finishing one each night and starting a new one to finish the next night. I keep screwing up in the 3rd thru 6th rows. It is a very frustrating because just as I think I've got it, I find I haven't. These rows are very much alike with a very minor change and it throws me every time. Doesn't help that I'm sick and not really able to focus long. 

All right, back to work now. I hope you are all having a much brighter day than I am. Although, despite the impending terminations I'm not sweating it. I can't change whatever happens. I have sat and counted the cost to me if it is me. It isn't good. But I've been through this before and I'm so tired of it that I think I find it hard to react. I've had a lot happen to me since the last time, horrible things that took more than I could ever imagine from me. I find that these days I simply am unable to care about much else. 

Losing your job is terrible but honestly, there really are worse things that can happen to you. If I could have Jerry back in exchange for this job.... I'd willingly walk out. I'd go back to living in crappy houses with no money and not much else. I seem to remember we were happy in those places, even though we wanted better. Sunday will be three years. How empty life has been that it feels as if it were yesterday.

Sunlight

And there was light.... lots of sunlight in a cloudless blue sky at 38F. I still feel pretty bad but the level of crap has receded. Maybe three kinds now.

I've been sick for over a week and it really stinks.Noooo it isn't the crap I smell!   I am getting nothing, and I mean NOTHING, done. Sue, my cleaning genie, is still out of town. I don't know when she'll be back. The house is a mess, at least to me. I've done some minor cleaning and kept the dishes washed but it needs more. It has been three weeks since Sue cleaned it. I did laundry over the weekend and I did Mike's last night. I stopped by his place and picked it up. He's really sick, too and not able to come over with it. Twice he said he would but called to say he just couldn't. He's been washing out a pair of under shorts every night to wear. Well, he'll have some clean tonight.

I did manage to dabble in my story last night but only briefly. I don't actually remember what else I did last night. I think I watched something. I think I read something for a bit but mostly, I just don't remember. While I ate I watched something... I do remember that. Then I messed with the story... nothing constructive... just read a scene and thought... "That's really really good." Read another and thought about how to improve it. All I can say is "it is what I like". I don't know if anyone else will. 

So January will be a washout for WRoE. But I'm fine with it. I have been sick for half a month. I worked on it the first week, rested from it the second, got sick the third and am still fairly sick. I really need a good sleep and a good sleep is what I'm not getting at the moment. On a positive note, joint pain while I have been ill.... really. Silliest thing I've heard. But I have been so sick and felt so bad.... IT DIDN'T MATTER! My ribs hurt, my chest hurt, my neck hurt, and my head hurt...every time I cough -- which is constantly.

Last night my neck bothered me.. Guess what... positional pain. I'm nearly positive that a lot of the neck pain is posture when at my computer and the weight on my chest. I get pulled out of a good posture or I sit incorrectly when working on the computer. No more laptop in bed or on the sofa unless I have a really proper support for it and a way to keep my spine aligned. I watch a good little video on youtube about proper position and it really helped. Just have to keep at it. 

I'm hungry and it is lunch time now. So, I'm off. May your day be filled with sunlight. 

End of a Lousy Week

And good riddance... but it isn't over. I've been sick for five days. I'm still sick. I went to work today but I sure didn't want to. I felt horrible, hacking cough, sore back, shoulders, ribs, chest, head, throat everywhere. The cough is so bad that at times I've had to double over and just hang on to keep my insides inside! At least, that's the way it feels.

I have gotten exactly nothing done here at home. No writing, no crochet, mindless watching of television shows, I did do some reading on, I think, Monday but I can't be sure. 

I'm still taking the cough medicine, generic mucinex DM. I am taking the codeine tonight. I need sleep. I'm exhausted and last night was terrible. I woke myself up several times breathing. It sounded like paper caught an air current... same papery rattle you hear. Awful sound to have wake you... when you have heard a death rattle. It happened several times. 

When I lie down it sound as if cellophane is in my airways. Maybe that's a better way to describe it.

I'm going to stop now. I simply don't have the mental ability to deal with anything in depth.

A Sick Day.... or Two

I took Tuesday off to give me a four day weekend. I had hopes of doing several things... crochet, writing, reading. None of this came to pass... except a little reading today. 

You see, I was ambushed by a cold. It stated last week and I thought it was a just a little cold, over in a few days. Not so. This is the monster cold. I was supposed to go back to work today. I didn't. Instead, I went to the urgent care  this morning at 8 and was given a z-pac (antibiotics) and codeine cough medicine. I'm coughing my head off and feel like seven kinds of crap. Yes, I'm sure there are seven kinds. No, I've not personally seen them but take my word for it I feel like $^!#.

I've lain here on the sofa for the whole day, napping here and there, coughing nearly constantly with such force that I feel my head is coming off. I had a fever when I got to urgent care. Probably why I felt so achy but I ache so often I didn't realize it was a fever.He said I probably have a touch of bronchitis. I've had that before so it isn't surprising. Remember when I went to Florida two summers ago and was so sick I was sure that I couldn't fly? This is not as bad but a close second. I don't ache so much tonight but my throat is raw, my nose is stuffy, I'm still coughing but I took something for that so not so much. When I go to bed I'll take the narcotic cough meds and hope I sleep better. I've had about five horrible nights. I have a doctor's note to stay off till Friday. 

I caught this from someone at work. I wish when they are sick they'd stay in their own office! I have to start being aggressive in prevention measure. May need  a bottle of sanitize on my desk and those bleach wipes to take everywhere I go in the building! 

I know, impossible when you work with folks not to catch stuff. 

I'm done for tonight. Not sure when I'll be back on. 

A Terrible Day

This morning I am so sick. I coughed all night. A storm blew in and the power went our around 11:30 or midnight. I as in bed and I usually have music playing at night for about an hour. I'm usually asleep by the time it goes off so it helps me drift off. It went off abruptly. Rain and thunder and lightening took its place. I had to call Mike on the cell phone to call the power company. The lights on the next street were still on so it was probably just some transformer that was knocked out. I went to sleep. They called at 5 a.m to ask if my power was back on! I pressed 1 and went back to sleep.

My cleaning lady has been away now for two weeks. I'm beginning to feel it. I vacuumed the floors, stripped the bed and flipped the mattress - something I'm thinking I'll feel tomorrow. I have a queen-sized bed. And really it isn't hard to flip them generally... stand it on end, pull the bottom toward you and let it slide. I've done it for years but usually had someone on the other side to stabilize it and push from that side. It can be done alone... but it isn't fun. Still had to be done and it is. I need a new one but have simply put it off. We bought that mattress probably a few years before Jerry died. I'd say it is probably nearly 10 years old. 

The wind is whipping the wind chimes around like mad. They are jingling and jangling steadily. The temps have already dropped to 52 and I suspect they were nearly 70 when I got up this morning. I was dressed too warmly and had to change and now I'm feeling cool. I even tuned off the head for several hours. When I realized the temp had begun to fall I turned it back on but the house is still 70 degrees.

I really feel terrible and when I'm done will probably go find a place to lie down and nap. I am supposed to go back to work tomorrow. I hope I can function. The way I feel now I don't know. At the moment, I'm going to get something warm on as my arms are cold. 

Ta