Monday, June 28, 2010

Some Improvement

Prayer, steroids, whatever. I say that because I have a mixed bag here. I believe in prayer but lately, my faith is pretty thin. You can only live with pain so long before you begin to wonder about the universe in general and God in particular. I understand suicides who were suffering from an illness or injury much better than I once did.

It is not hard to understand at all any more how someone can take their own life. I like to think I am stronger than that but I have to tell you, I'm not sure any of us are when it comes right down to it. I've heard of people who were Christians that committed suicide and wondered what could possibly have been so horrible that they'd do that. These last couple of years, I have an inkling. I don't want a clearer picture than that.

The pain is a bit better right now. I can tell that the stress in my back is building but the morning has been better than anticipated. I'm not standing up and screaming in pain the way I was Saturday night at midnight. I'm doing what I usually do... bearing it like a trooper. But it does hurt still. A very uncomfortable pain is the only way to describe it. As if something jabbed me or slammed across my back at shoulder blade height. My neck has begun to hurt but I think it is secondary to the back pain. I brought hot stuff to work and am going to put more on now. I used it this a.m. and it helped a bit.

I've moved the MRI up to tomorrow. The nurse at my Rheumatologist office called and suggested it because Monday is a holiday and Friday is a long way off. I wouldn't get the reading until Tuesday. I agreed and was fortunate to get it moved so close. I won't get a 4 day weekend but I will get a break in the middle of the work week. I really don't like missing a day at the end of the month but whatever it takes. I am to fast for four hours and the test takes a couple I think. This will not be fun at all! They are doing it first thing so that will be good. But it is very uncomfortable anyway. Be nice if they put me on my face but I suspect they won't. That helped when I had the breast MRI. When I'm done I'll have lunch.

Thank you all for the prayers and notes to let me know you were thinking about me and praying for me. I appreciate you all.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Nighty, Night, Night

I'm headed for bed. I've had less pain today than I had when I got up. They prayed for me at church and it did seem to get better by about 1 p.m. It has not stopped. I'm still wearing a pain patch at tonight. I can only wear them for 12 hours and I put it on at 7 p.m. But my pain for most of the day was about 50%. Last night I thought I was going to have to sleep standing up. It was the most horrible pain. Just a knife in my back and no relief. I finally put a patch on it and went to bed with a heating pad. I'm taking the steroid but so far it hasn't done any good that I can tell.

So, prayers are appreciated. I have pretty much prayed out. It feels as if there is no end to it.

I'm going to bed now and hope tomorrow or rather today is a brighter day. It rained earlier tonight and I hope the humidity is not completely horrible. Probably will be if it is very hot.

Been completely unable to write because I can't stay at the computer long enough. So much for that.

What Happened to 6:00 a.m.?

It came and went and I didn't notice! Amazing. I've been waking up at six every morning for a while now. I woke up at eight this morning.

And you will be glad to know, at least I hope so, that my back was less painful. I still have this terrible pain from one shoulder joint to the other across the top of my back. Hurts to look down but all the back pain is a bit easier. I'm not optimistic because this has happened a few weeks ago. The pain totally left but at least I didn't get up nearly screaming from it. I'm going to try to put this medicine on my back myself. They want it on four times a day but it is an oil based liquid that requires I lie down and have someone do it. Well, I have a few tricks. We'll see.

I seemed to have slept all night too without waking. I guess I was tired. If you haven't seen the album of last night's cook out you won't have seen the new flowers planted at the fountain. Only one of them looks sickly. I nearly lost that one before I got them in the ground. But those moss roses are just endlessly lovely. I wish I'd planted a whole yard of them.

Thank you all for your best wishes for Mike. I have not talked to them about it. He didn't even tell me himself. Had Becca do it. Does that tell you what an ogre I am? I turn purple and grow horns and warts on my head. OH, is is green? Sorry, green. Anyone notice how Shrek's horns are actually horns and not the kind of horn I always thought orger's grew? At any rate, whatever happens, I can no longer try and fix it or make it better. Mike has to do what he has to do. I can't keep cleaning up after him. She does seem very nice and easy going. I just wish they would get to know one another a bit better. And her children are absolutely so well behaved. In my business, that always gets high marks.

On another note. I just listened to Kevin Costner's statement to the congressional committee investigating the spill. If you haven't seen this, here is the link: http://news.yahoo.com/s/ynews/ynews_ts2851
A fix was available for such disasters and the industry ignores it! The oil is still pouring into the blue waters of the Gulf, turning them from aqua to brown and the beaches from my birthplace have been ruined. I can't get my head around that. Politics and greed.

Friday, June 25, 2010

The Weekend Begins

It appears that it will be a busy one. Mike announced this week he is getting married. Yes. You heard me. Her name is Rachael. She is here this weekend with her daughter, Arica and her son, Doug. I met her last week and the little girl. They all seem very nice and the children are very well behaved. Becca seems to get along with her like a house afire but then, it would be difficult not to get along with Becca I think. She's one of those kind of people. I think Rachael and she will enjoy one another's company. Mike's first wife was immediately jealous of Becca when Becca and David came home to live so it is nice to see that these two seem to genuinely hit it off from the start. They seem very much alike to me but that's just me.

We had a cookout again tonight and the misquotes ran us inside. Sarah thinks she's got a new sister and brother. She likes both the children. Arica has just stepped in and been a mother hen with Sarah and it is a bit of a relief for Becca and I both not to have to constantly play tag. We, of course adore Sarah but you can only play so much tag before you run out of steam... not Sarah, us!

I don't know if it will work out. I only know I'm not inclined to interfere this time. She's very different from the other one. And I hope that she loves him more and sincerely. He deserves something good.

I'm going to get a hot bath after I finish posting photos. Run over and see the albums from Memorial Day weekend. They were taken after my aunt and uncle left. And I have taken tonight at our cookout. In case anyone wondered, we love grilling outside. Dave really loves to cook on the grill and would cook everything in sight if you let him! So, we limit the quantity and let him grill away.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Mid-Week Catch-up

Tomorrow is the middle of the work week. I am supposed to see the rhuematologist.They are going to try and get Lyrica for me but I will have to try the neuroton first. I'll take it on the weekend and see how it does. If I get the least groggy I'm not talking it. I have to be able to work.

My back is terrible. The pain is no better and comes and goes at odd times.Nothing I do seems to help much or for long. Sitting all day is a killer.

I'm on my way to bed but wanted to stop in to see what was going on in the blog lands. Seems most are away doing things or going places. It is so hot I'm staying inside.

I am hoping that in the next week or so I'll be able to get a medicine that works to relieve some of this pain. I think the back pain is worse than any pain I've had so far. I can't get comfortable in any position. I'm not sleeping well at all because there is now no comfortable way to lie down.

Hope you all have a good end to the week.

Neb. City votes to Restrict Illegal Immigration

"Not only do local ordinances such as this violate federal law, they are also completely out of step with American values of fairness and equality," said Laurel Marsh, executive director of ACLU Nebraska.
Link

I'd like to know when the ACLU became the spokesperson for American citizens? I didn't vote for them. I didn't hire them. And frankly, I haven't seen the majority get behind them on any issue. They are a bunch of lawyers who are out to make a buck on anything they can.

Americans, the ones I know, believe our government should enforce the laws. We believe that people who come across the border illegally do not have the same rights as citizens who were born in this country or who came here and worked for legal citizenship.

If you rent your house to a known criminal that police are looking for, you're harboring a fugitive. If you house an illegal immigrant, you're not committing an the same crime? And if you refuse to hire an illegal immigrant you're breaking the law? What a bunch of morons. What garbage! Now who's being discriminated against? Criminals should not be allowed to benefit from their crimes. THAT is what the majority of Americans stand for. Fairness and equality? How is that equal under the law?


Saturday, June 19, 2010

Not the Saturday I Envisioned

I got up and went to get lab work done. Two sticks. and she was still not sure she got enough blood.

I came home and paid bills but still don't have the bank statement done. I went to Lowe's and spend a stupid amount of money on flowers to plant. I have no idea what I'm doing so that is why I say it is stupid. But it is something to do.

I then went to the grocery store to buy food. I did. I came home and ate and was about to watch television when Mike stopped by and unloaded the dirt and flowers. I will be planting them a bit later. He brought a girl he's seeing and her daughter. She seems nice but I'm not very social today and I feel I wasn't very "welcoming". Oh, I wasn't rude. I did say hello and nice to meet you.

He left and Dave, Becca, and Sarah came by. Sarah played in the sand box. Dave napped. Becca talked. I listened. Sarah fell out the back door and skinned her knee. It did hurt. That's about a 14 inch fall onto the patio. She just missed the steps altogether. We washed, anointed and bandaged the boo-boo. Tried to get her to sleep but she wouldn't. She'd been to a birthday party earlier and should have been tired.

Mike and his friend came back. The little girl and Sarah are playing in the den with the toys. The little girl is about 10 but she seems to play well and Sarah is just happy to have someone to play with. Actually,sitting here in the living room listening to them chatter away, if I didn't know how old Sarah was I wouldn't know there was a six year gap. The other child doesn't sound as young as Sarah but Sarah sounds a lot older than 4!

Dave and Becca went home and Mike and his friend are on the patio. I think D & B will be back. D is supposed to cook out. The pool has water for the kids and I think Mike's friend may stay for supper. So... a nice evening but not the quiet one I had imagined.

Oh, lifting the dirt at Lowes seems to have loosened my back up some. Major clue there. It's probably fibro in my back muscle. If working the muscle makes it feel better, it isn't a pulled muscle.


I'm going now and be a good hostess.

Friday, June 18, 2010

Firday Windup... Wind-down?

Whatever! It is 2 p.m. and I am on a downhill roll. Work is going smoothly. So much so I've managed to get a lot done. I still have lots more but the box is half empty!

My back is sore. It is like fire across the top of my back and when I reach or turn a certain way it is a stabbing pain. I am going home and get a hot shower and have Becca come put some Bio Freeze on it. That is good stuff. Like Icy Hot and Ben Gay but a gel and it just doesn't irritate the way they can. I can only get it at chiropractic offices and spas. And I'm taking 800 mg of flexiril and 1200 mg of tylenol for muscle cramps.

Thanks to all of you that have stopped and offered encouragement, sympathy, and commiseration. I read all the comments. I don't always see it the way you do but it is nice to know someone thought about my words enough to say something to try and improve my outlook.

I can't say it has improved. I was so upset when that doctor said he couldn't do anything for me! It really distressed me and I thought I was going to cry. I'm good at not crying so I didn't but I wanted to. I can't tell anyone just how bad I feel. You wouldn't believe me! I can walk across a room and no one could tell. Well, they used to couldn't. I think now, maybe it is becoming more apparent to people. It is much harder to mask it but I do try. Still people I know ask, "Are you all right?"

So, anyway, thank you to my friends. Sometimes you are all I have.


Thursday, June 17, 2010

No Surprises

Went to the pain management center. There is nothing they can do for me. He gave me samples of Savella. In Europe it is an antidepressant. Here it isn't. Go figure. It is used here to treat fibromyalgia. Side effects... elevated bp... so maybe a stroke since I have high bp already.

I called my insurance company because I'm not buying a medicine with the risk in Savella if they aren't going to pay for it after the samples are gone. My insurance won't cover either Savella or Lyrica until I've exhausted other medications. I can get it IF my RA doctor will diagnose me with fibro... she did that years ago. IF I take neuroten and it doesn't work. I have no idea what it is nor the effect it will have on me but so far what I am hearing is it will make me drunk. So, can't work if I take it.

No surprises here. I'm right were I was when I got up. Still in pain with no options.

Thursday Already

I'm taking a short break and I'll be going to my doctor's appointment in about two hours. I'm skipping lunch so I don't use too many hours. I don't know what they will be doing to me, if anything and so can't be sure I'll be back to work today or tomorrow. I will be glad if they can just give me something to make my back quit hurting. Today there is not a lot of pain overall but my back just isn't right. I still have reach problems, certain motions, and turning my head a certain way all send shock waves across my back and up my neck. Still, I'm not looking forward to the possibility of a shot in my neck or back.

I woke up probably around 4 a.m. but I just rolled over and went back to sleep. I didn't wake again until about 6:30. The writer's meeting went a bit long but we had a great time. I went to bed a bit later than I have been and I took my pills much later. So, I'm more tired this morning than I have been being.
I'll nap later I think. I am going to be pretty hungry as well since I'm not going to lunch. I don't know what to do about it. I can wait until I'm finished to eat but may not feel like it by then.



It is really a boring day. The weather is lovely. A nice 79 degrees and partly cloudy. It would be wonderful to sit in a lawn chair on the lawn and watch the clouds go by. I've asked Mike to cut the yard so it will be nice out there and I could actually sit outside if I feel ok. That is in the event they stick me.



I have got in this mindset that writing is a waste of time for me. I don't know. In the last month I've just kind of stopped and asked myself what I'm accomplishing and what earthly use my writing could possible be. My response was a resounding silence. I find myself so tired that the effort to put one foot in front of the other most days leaves me with nothing. I'm sapped by Five o'clock. It is distressing to think about but practically speaking, I should find another hobby that is more beneficial to me and the rest of the world.  Doug and I discussed this last night at the meeting. We both feel our jobs wring every creative thought right out of us.



I mean, take my blogs, for instance. They've become mediocre, if they were ever more than that. Who wants to read about my misfortunes and opinions and the craziness of my life? I don't even want to live it! Why would anyone take five minutes to read it. I can almost hear the snores. I don't know why I bother at all. I keep saying I am a writer. I tell myself that the writing is good, the story is good, there is something worthwhile in the whole process. I lie like a cheap rug. None of that is true at all. <sigh> In the end, I'm pretty much left talking to myself about it and talking myself out of writing.

When he left the meeting last night Doug called over his shoulder. "These meetings always energize me. Now, if I can keep the energy up until the weekend I might be able to do some writing."

I didn't last a day.




Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Cassie's Writing Challenge

The writer's meeting went well tonight even though there were only three of us. Doug, Cassie, and I had a really good time discussing writing.

Cassie and I remembered discussing a statement I had run across in "The Marshall Plan Workbook" at the last meeting. Cassie and I had this ah ha moment where something clicked and we shared it with Doug tonight while we were discussing his writing woes. "Before you can devise a crisis that will set your story in motion, you must define your lead. Why? Because whether or not an event is a crisis depends largely on who is experiencing it." I realized the problem I was having with Simon was solely because of this premise.

As the evening was winding down, Cassie issued a writing challenge. We got very excited about this. It is the first one and I told Cassie that it might become a fixture. "Cassie's Writing Challenge". She had no sooner gotten this one out than she announced her idea for a second one. However, I am sharing the first one here for anyone who wants to participate.

Deadline: June 30

What:
Make use of the following sentence: I will show you fear in a handful of dust.

Topic: Any topic but you must reference the quote in the story. You don't have to use the direct quote.

How long: 1000 words


We will be bringing our efforts to the next meeting to see how we fared. The next challenge . . . she is suggesting 6000 words by July 30! No topic has been picked and no other criteria discussed. I'll post it when she gets it worked out.

I'm headed for bed now. Pain in my back has been continuous and in my knees but most of the rest of it is much better. I'm just tired now.



Some Days are Like That

I woke up this morning with pain in my back. But not much pain anywhere else, thank goodness. I believe I've been in a flare. When I looked in the mirror I saw my skin is clearing up, too. I suspected some time ago that a terrible itchy rash on my back and what looks like rosacea on my face is somehow related to the fibromyalgia. They come and go with varying severity. I've had this darn rash for years and I hate it. I have tiny scars where I have scratched so much. My research found reference to both but I couldn't seem to see any link. Both seem to clear for no reason I could find. This week I saw both come up and then, begin to disappear with the pain escalation and subsidence.


It has been a killer flare. I go to the pain management doctor tomorrow and I'm nervous because if they give me a shot, I could go into a flare again. I don't know if I can handle it. I almost couldn't handle this one. Yes, they can give me narcotics to manage it but I'll sleep for three days and go back to work. I'm not wanting that either. I don't like losing days of my life anymore. Never liked it much anyways but now.... it is worse. They seem to be more limited now.


I have to go to work. I slept a half hour longer this morning and had the weirdest dream. Have no idea what brought it on and I can't tell it because all the people involved in my dream I know! They all go to my church! LOL. Nothing ugly just so crazy I wouldn't tell it, to anyone.


Writer's meeting tonight. I've asked that we start half an hour earlier but no word as yet if that is ok.



Tuesday, June 15, 2010

There is No Title

I doubt there is an adequate description to allow a title. The pain is terrible. I'm getting very little relief from anything. I have an appointment at the pain management clinic on Thursday afternoon. If I can make it to 2 pm that day I might get some help. It is my last resort. I've taken all I can take and prayed ever prayer I can pray. The pills don't work and God's busy elsewhere.


You can only deal with so much before it breaks you to pieces. To not be able to move without hurting, not be able to think, or sleep, or take care of your basic needs without pain only escalates the pain levels. I'm exhausted when I get up because I did not rest. When I get up I can't move without stabbing pain everywhere I touch. I can't sit, stand or lie down without pain. Not one second of relief. At this point, I begin to understand why some people pray for death.


This is not living. This is hell.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Hot, Hot, Hot

I came back from church and went out to check on the plants. It is over 91 but they say the humidity is so high it feels like 101! I can believe it.


I had to clean out the fountain. It had turned green! I suppose algae maybe.. not sure. I haven't had it on in days because the weather was so hot and I have felt so bad most of the week. I'll have to start emptying it after I come in. I tuned the fountain on after I cleaned it and have let it run. But I came in.


I took another muscle relaxant because my back it still just messed up. I don't know what to do. I can't stand it for long. Sitting and carrying things is bad. I don't have a solution. I'm just tired of living like this. I'm tired of waking up and nearly screaming when I roll over or try to get up. It is worse than it has ever been and I just want it to stop. The hot shower this morning didn't really help much. I took the Imitrex and I think it made me break out in a sweat. That's not a good sign if it was the pill. I was so hot and couldn't get cool and was sweating. This is a vaso-dilator and it can be dangerous. But at this point, I'm not sure if I care.







The Agony of Everything

I hurt all over, I mean everywhere.Feet, legs, back, arms shoulders, everything hurts. I woke at 5 a.m. with it and refused to get up. I dozed back off. Now, I"m up and I'm going to get a very hot shower and see if I can boil some of it away. This is has to be a "flare". I was really feeling better early last week but every move this morning sets off stabs of pain. Even yesterday I felt much better than this.

I am going to church. I am going to church. I asked everyone to go with me last night but got no responses from anyone but Sarah. She said she would go. Of course, she requires assistance so I'll figure it won't happen. Maybe for once I'll be surprised.

I'm seldom wrong about much. If I tell you the moon is made of green cheese you can bet I've checked. It isn't. It isn't arrogance, it's just experience.

Anyway, not sure if I'll make it back today. When I come home, if I'm not better, I'll go to bed. Sleep is the only thing that seems to work. I may take an Imitrex to see if it affects it. I'm getting curious about this migraine effect I have sometimes. If they'd give me the Lyrica I might be able to deal with this. Everyone who takes it tells me it works wonders. God forbid you take a medicine that actually works when you can take ten that don't!

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Saturday in the Fish Bowl

I will not be sitting on the patio today. It is 92 and feels as if I need gills. The humidity is unbearable. It stormed Thursday afternoon and night. We're paying the price today. I took photos because Sarah got in the rain. She loves rain. So do I. I was tempted to get in it with her.

Dave, Becca and Sarah went to the zoo in Cincinnati today. They are having a really good time. I've talked to them several times. They took my car because their car has no air conditioning and it rather old. I felt better loaning him mine. They couldn't have stood the trip in this heat, particularly with Sarah. He just called and said they were headed home because it was really just too hot. Sarah has misbehaved all day. LOL, what can a highly intelligent 3 1/2 year old get into?

Last night I met with Snowgoon and we talked about Hidden in the Mist. Basically, I told him the whole story, reading parts because that was the easiest way to get the feel of the story out. The guy is a veritable font of Machiavellian ideas. He can see the sinister in everything. I suppose I should be nervous but he's really quite normal otherwise. I now have three different scenarios to work with that he simply plucked from what I had already written! And I can remember when I originally started it that I was actually thinking along those lines!

Today my back is much better. I came home early for two days this week because my back was hurting so badly. When I came in yesterday, I took a muscle relaxant and an imitrex for my headache. I felt the pain was giving me a headache. I lay down for about three hours. I felt better for the rest of the evening. Today, I've cleaned the living room, dusted, done laundry, vacuumed the floors and dusted under the beds. Put drain cleaner in the sinks and washed the tub mat and shower curtain. The pain is so much better! And the house smells a bit better. I'm considering taking another muscle relaxant just to give me a bit more relief.

I think I slept better too. I didn't go to bed until after 1 a.m.! My mind was running over from my talk. But I always take a muscle relaxant at night . I've just never taken one in the afternoon because they make me sleepy. Although I didn't sleep yesterday after taking it, I just relaxed for a couple of hours. So, I'm going to take one now and see if it will help me again. I'd love to wake up with no pain tomorrow... every tomorrow.

I'm going now. I want to finish some other things while I seem to have the energy. I am not going out at all. I don't have the proper equipment. Maybe it will cool off by dark but I doubt it.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

A Giant Crane Is In the Way


When I walked in this morning, before even the boss was here, I was met at the door by another employee. "The computers aren't working."

After unlocking my door and putting my bag on the desk, I went in search of the tech guy's phone number. Jay is a nice guy who works with the company we've contracted for technical support. We have lots of issues and it seems Jay is always on the job.

"Jay, we're having problems over here. System is down. Is it the same problem as yesterday or is something else going on?"

"It's the same thing. There is a giant crane in our way."

Ah.

"We're coming over today and move the tower to the corner of the building to see if we can work around it. Either Friday or Monday we're getting an emergency server at your place and that should fix it."

They are building an arena downtown. There are lots of steel beams and a giant crane smack in the center of town and smack in the center of our wireless towers. My building is seven floors and on the roof is our tower. Corporate placed the other tower on the roof of another building next to their office, a two story building. The arena, I suspect, is going to be as high as my building. The crane certainly is higher. So, we can't connect with corporate via the internet. We can't process any paperwork. We can't pull reports. There is a giant crane in the way.

We had lots of problems with the wireless when we first got it about nine years ago. They had to move those towers all over before they found a clear line of sight. I asked them, "What if someone builds something between them?"

They felt there was little chance of that. Well, there WAS a building already in the spot where the arena is now being constructed. But buildings fall to progress with amazing frequency. People's minds do not move that fast or often. So, now there is a giant crane standing between us.
It isn't going anywhere.

There is always a giant crane somewhere, blocking communications, interfering with daily life, wreaking havoc for someone. People have to move things to get around them, reposition themselves to find the spot where the crane loses its ability to cut one off. The giant crane can't move because the work it must do can only be done from that location. It sinks its giant legs into the ground and begins its work of erecting towers that block the light and cast shadows across one's path. It isn't going anywhere.

I suppose giant cranes serve a purpose. They help some to reach high places and erect great monuments. They aide in lifting heavy burdens that would otherwise be impossible to lift. But when they block your path, they tend to be a nuisance. Things that need to be done, don't get done. Progress is stopped. Disappointments and frustrations pile up. The only solution is to change either your position or location. You have to find a path around the giant crane that will allow everything to flow uninterrupted. It's a giant crane. It isn't going anywhere. You have to be the one to move.




Monday, June 7, 2010

Monday Thoughts

How shall we do this? Do I number them? Probably isn't enough to bother. Do I alphabetize them? Again, not enough.

I think I should have stayed in bed. My back is still hurting. I still can't move in certain directions or ways.

I think if I could get 10 hours sleep and wake up feeling human, life might be nice.

I think I do not like being alone. I've never been alone in my whole life. I used to think I'd like being alone sometimes. I was wrong. Or maybe I was mistaken.

I think I'll get some more flowers and plant them. I've got nothing else to do and there will be less grass to mow.

I think I'll get more bird feeders and another bird bath. Birds are our friends.

I think I need to find a contractor to fix the house. I just don't want to bother with it.

I think I need more money. It isn't good for much but it is nice to have on a rainy day in the Bahamas. Or England..... or to pay a contractor.

I think I'd like to retire... now. But I haven't won the lottery yet.... I haven't even bought a ticket.

I think I should buy a ticket.

I think I am probably slightly depressed but honestly, it doesn't hurt unless I think about it.

I think when 5:00 p.m. rolls around I will breath a sigh of relief.

I think this is one of the most boring blogs I've ever posted.

I think I'll stop now. I'm really reaching.




Sunday, June 6, 2010

Where I Am....

So many places. I'm under that red umbrella for starters. It is 78 degrees out here and there is a breeze. I stayed in all day in a chair and my back is not much better. I finally decided to come out and walk around. I watered the plants and cleaned out the fountain. The birds love it and the feeders. I've watched dozens have lunch.

I watered flowers planted over the Memorial Day weekend. I took water out of Sarah's pool with a watering can and found that my upper back, around the shoulder blade is still in bad shape. I feel it in my neck and across my back. I can't do anything about it so chose to ignore it long enough to water the plants. There is a lot more water in the pool! I could probably water for days and probably will. No more emptying the pool and wasting all that water.

I'm watching the fountain as it sings in my backyard. When I sit here like this I never want to go anywhere else. Is that wrong? Just to sit here and not worry about anything or think about anything.

I'm re-reading my story, Hidden in the Mist. I started about five chapters from the end and am reading forward to give me an idea of what was happening when I stopped in 2008 for Nano and never went back to it because life. . . and death diverted me along a different path. It will need a new title eventually I suspect. However, I can't figure out why this thing is any good. . . but I have to say that a lot of it is pretty good. I refuse to fix a single thing until I'm done with it. So, I'm going to do that. I'm tempted to give myself a deadline. They work pretty good for me but I don't know how to monitor it.

The wind is blowing and the sky is blue and I sit here wondering what you are supposed to do when your whole life has been centered around the people you love and you wake up one day and they are all gone and you are still here? Remember the lyrics "Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose"? The song is Me and Bobby McGee by Kris Kristofferson. I always liked it and have it playing on Project Playlist. The one phrase is truer than even I ever knew. Yet, life always finds something else to take from you. You really don't want to be that free.

I'm in a strange place, on the edge of something that I can't see. I try not to see beyond now, not to think about tomorrow until I get up in the morning. In fact, I try not to think about much of anything. It works better that way.



Sunday Pressures

I feel like I just went on a cross country hike carrying a 20 lb pack! I woke to creaking joints. Everything is stiff! Last night I had to get up and put the Valtoren gel on my lower back and at the spine around my neck. I think I'll have to do it this morning too, and take a hot shower! My shoulders are stiff, too.

I'm supposed to take Sarah and Mike to Sunday School this morning but I don't know if I'm going to get loosened up enough to do that. Mike can drive but I'll have to wrestle with Sarah. And much as I love her, when I'm like this, I just can't lift her around. Dave and Becca say they have to do laundry so they can't go with me.

I get so tired of being tired and stiff, of having a nice day and then several bad ones. It seems if I do anything on Saturdays I pay on Sundays! I don't know what I can do about it. That's the way the weekend falls. If I don't work around the house and yard, or I don't play with Sarah, and I don't go shopping. And if I sit too much, I have the same problem....

I'm going now to see if I can get sorted out.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Short Week

I am working today and then I am off until Monday. This two day work week is really nice! I've had a sort of mini vacation for the last two weeks. I'm going to have to plan next year, if the Lord is willing, around the May and June holidays. Had I been able to take my vacation the last week of May I'd have had fewer days counted on my vacation time! But I didn't plan for that vacation and it cost me very little so I'm grateful for it. I needed to get away.

I'm out of St. John's Wort for the last three days. I'll get to the store soon but I think I'm going to try and cut back to one a day. I've been taking two a day for a year now and at some point I have to start reducing it. I'm not going to live my life being controlled by this. I've done it before and I can do it again. Just don't know how hard it will be this time. I can't shut off my mind.

I was reminded yesterday morning of a place in the Bible where it calls satan an accuser of the brethen. I always have difficult time early in the mornings and in the evenings, when I am home. I am waking up at 6 every morning and since I apparently can't change it, I have been reading my Bible a bit, reading Streams in the Desert - a devotional I have, and praying. You must understand that praying is very very hard, almost impossible. Not that I don't believe in prayer, but because the overwhelming state of my mind can't go beyond a certain point before I just lose sight of everything but a prayer for help through this mess.

Anyway while sitting on the sofa saying a prayer, I had this . . . vision. . . . or if you prefer, impression of someone sitting across from me smiling and pointing out all these things to me, things I already know and struggle with. No, I am not crazy. I am not seeing "things". Not actually seeing them, just in my imagination. I don't need a shrink. And yes, I do know how to handle those things. My grandmother taught me that a long time ago. I did what she taught me to do, what I've always done. I prayed against it. I prayed over my house and property. And yes, "it" left. The accusations stopped in moments. You call it what you will. Power of positive thinking, positive affirmation, self-hypnosis, all that bunk. I don't care what other people call it. I know what I call it. And I had a respite from it all. My house was clear and while I'm still in this horrible fog that won't let me think, at least I was able to not think about things that were painful.

There was a writer's meeting of sort last night. Three of us, Sarah, Cassie, and me. Katie and Kathy had prior commitments but we don't know where Doug is. We have not heard in over a week from him. His job is so hectic and he works long hours so it isn't unusual for him to be invisible for a long time but we missed him at the meeting. He usually lets us know he's out there. Have to email him today just to check on him.

I'm going to work. Only 8 hours and I am off for the weekend. That will be so nice if I can get some things accomplished. I've really had this cloudy thinking for two weeks now, worse than usual, and I'm not getting anywhere. Last night I started working on Mist again. I think I'll go back to it and leave Simon alone for now. I want to finish Mist. Maybe finishing one story will be a positive influence. And Mist is nearly finished. I'm on the last leg of the first draft. I don't know where Alice had gotten to but I'm sending her an email.

Most of you may have seen my sister's blog this morning. They are having a difficult time right now. If you pray please keep them in your prayers. It is the only way I know of to help.

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