Friday, December 30, 2011

Easy New Year's Resolutions

You all know, if you have read my favorite blog posts, what I think about resolutions. I don't make them. This list a good example of why. It is amusing and yet... profoundly truthful. (I'm being highly sarcastic here.)

Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my nightdress. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom.

I will not bore my boss by with the same excuse for taking leaves. I will think of some more excuses.

I will do less laundry and use more deodorant.

I will avoid taking a bath whenever possible and conserve more water.

I will give up chocolates totally. 100%. Completely. Honestly....

I will try to figure out why I *really* need nine e-mail addresses.

I will stop sending e-mails to my wife (husband).

I resolve to work with neglected children -- my own.

I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, and Instant Messages while on the phone at the same time with the same person.

I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard to estimate since I'm not a clock watcher.

I will read the manual ... just as soon as I can find it.

I will think of a password other than "password."

I will not tell the same story at every get together.

I won't worry so much.

I will cut my hair.

I will grow my hair.

I will be more imaginative.

I will not ring the steward button on airplanes just to get her/his phone number.


FROM GCFL.com

Monday, December 19, 2011

Wonder Where It Went

My morning has flown by. I've been busy getting the detritus cleaned out of my box and preparing to start hitting the February files. I have to have all of them done by end of month or I'm going to be in a pickle with late folders. Much of March is sitting waiting as well.

My neck is just miserable and making the rest of me miserable. Not sure what I can do about it. I am dreading having to get that shot but I'm not sure there is an alternative. It has been three years since the last one and I've had some very bad days with it in that time. 

I over slept this morning because I forgot to set the clock. It was needed extra sleep. I really need to go to bed early tonight, too. November always kind of knocks me off kilter. I was doing really well with a routine of sorts and I need to get back to that.

Only three days to go this week and then three days next and four after that, so short work weeks for the next three. That is going to be very nice. 

I don't have any profound wisdom to offer today. No shocking statements to take exception to, unless you get all bent some of the above, in which case, get a helmet. In all honest, I am so. . . I don't like the word depressed for everything. I've been depressed and I can tell the difference. This isn't depression. It is . . . something else. If I think of the work I'll post it but at the moment . . . oh, wait, yes I do! Abject. I am abject. It is an old word and I doubt many people use it now-a-days. I can't seem to get above it. Oh, feels better just having a word to describe it. 

I'm out now to lunch. Don't know where I'm going.

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Sunday That Wasn't

Cloudy and cold all day. I didn't go to church this morning but I'm on my way out in just a few minutes for the evening service. I'm rather tired, even took a nap this afternoon for about an hour. I got to bed late, after 1 a.m., and I don't know if I slept well or not. I woke up around 8 a.m. and tried to stay in bed but couldn't bring myself to do so. It is hard for me to find a comfortable position lying down. So I got up, made breakfast and found my neck is very uncomfortable. the only position that doesn't cause pain is straight up, straight ahead. But that puts stress on my whole body after a time.

I've done nothing but lie on the sofa and watch t.v. shows. I did read a bit but not much. Life is simply passing by my windows. 

Thankfully, I only have to work four days this week. 

Forgot to mention that I went to the cemetery yesterday to leave flowers. Someone, probably one of the Veterans organizations here, had placed evergreen wreaths on all the graves. They were so beautiful. I couldn't believe it. If you don't know what something like that means to the families of these men and women it is unfortunate for you. I sat there and cried. This was not a cheap gesture. These were live wreaths with red bows on them and there are at least three dozen graves in the Vet's area. I couldn't believe they'd done that. I am going to call this week and see if I can find out which group did it. I'd like to call and say thank you.

My trip to the cemetery was probably why most of the weekend was a bust. 

I'm leaving now. Not sure when I'll be back on but I usually try to get on a few minutes ever evening. Hope you all have a wonderful Christmas. Make it the best that you possibly can. You do not know when it will be the last one for someone around your table.

The Lost Videos -NaNoWriMo 2011

Thanksgiving Day, 2011

Saturday, December 17, 2011

Around the Block

And back again. I did just that. You know, I never thought about how very much I did things with someone else. Really. In the last years of his life Jerry had jobs whose hours conflicted with mine terribly. Even Saturday was a bust. We had only one day a week for a long time. But we always spent the time we had together either doing stuff around the house or at church or going to the store. He got to where he was doing all the shopping. I just made the list.

So, again I am reminded strongly how very much I hate shopping and I despise it alone. There is no reason to go to a store if I can help it. 

What did I do? Nothing I intended. I went to CVS to pick up some gifts for Sarah. She loves playing Old Maid and Go Fish with me. Got her gifts. I went to Lowe's looking for lights. Didn't have them. But I did get house numbers to put outside. Randy covered mine up when he built the porch. Fortunately, they were the stick on kind so it didn't matter. These are metal and I'll attach them to the step railing facing the street. I also got two packages of pretty baubles for the tree. Left Lowe's and went to get a gift card. Came home. No, it wasn't enjoyable.

My next big event, after working four days will be get ready to cook Christmas dinner. I'm going for fast and simple and less. Only complication will be homemade dressing. Not the box stuff. The real cornbread dressing. I'll buy couple of rotisserie chickens from Sam's and my desserts. I'll make a small ham. Everyone will be happy. I might, just might make Jerry's favorite Lemon pie but not sure. I only made it because he liked it, even though everyone else does, too but I'm leaning to ready made desserts.  No, I won't make it. 

I really am going to find something else to do for Christmas next year. Maybe a trip to some place warm and sunny. I'm done with this stuff. I absolutely hate it. I no longer find any pleasure in any of it and that's sad in a way. But it is true. I don't want to do anything at all.  

So why am I? Because I'd like to give Sarah a few memories of something that was and when it was, there was joy. With me, the traditions will die out. I'd like her to know what they were. I am alone here and with no close family and no siblings it will be gone. When you have sons it is different. Unless there are wives who want to continue family traditions, they disappear. 

I know people make their own traditions, each generation doing new things. My sisters and I have tried to keep ours going but for me, it ends here. I think I'm done. Maybe that's for the best.

I suspect the next 44 days are going to be a little slice of hell on earth. At least for me.




Finding The Meaning

I'm heading out now to find some meaning in the madness. I suppose I have to buy gifts at some point. It has, oddly enough, become something so meaningless that I'm stunned at how little it means. I can buy that gift anytime. Why did I waste years stressing over it? Running all over to find the perfect gift? I'm a bit ashamed. I need to remember what this particular holiday means. Not what it has become.

No, stop. I don't want to hear your opinion about the pagan roots of Christmas.... or any other holiday for that matter. I don't care. The reason the ancient world turned from those things is hope. They reinvented them to encompass something beyond the superficial. They saw hope and reached for it. The problem isn't that the reason changed. People changed, and only in the last 50-60 years!

The hope remained. It was the light, there before us, suspended in the heavens. At His birth. And at His death. Get rid of all the trappings you want. Burn the tree. Trash the decorations. Ban the images and call them archaic. Suppress all Christian religious speech and thought. (Not any other religions stuff cause that would be repressive and a violation of someones rights). You can do all of that. It won't matter to me.

Because the hope is still there, right in front of us. You can't take the stars from the sky. You can't suppress the Light that shines through time and space and pierces to the darkest heart. You can talk all the visual and audible images of Christmas and burn them in the deepest pit. And you still won't touch what it means to us. You won't be able to suppress the reality because it is beyond your ability to do so. You won't be able to stop the hope. There is no power, political or personal, that can change what it really means. We are what makes it what it is because He was who he was. You can't change that, no matter how many X's you put in it.

Merry Christmas. Yeah, I think so.

My New Favorite Christmas Carole

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Re-Reading My NaNo

Since I can't be bothered to work today, I decided to do some work on my NaNo novel. I ran across one of those places where the writer just knows it's good. Well, we think it's good. Anyway, I'll share it and you can judge. I love the dialogue here. Simon has called Quinn to arrange a meeting. Here is how it opens.

"Quinn here."

Simon smiled. "Hello, old chum. How've you been?"

"Simon?"

The shock in his voice would have been offensive if it hadn't been amusing. "In the flesh."

"What in hell do you want?" The line crackled from the force of his voice.

"Actually, I'm not in hell.."

"Sorry to hear that. Where are you?"

I love these characters and their relationship. I love this tale and I'm annoyed it is so disorganized. {sigh} Yes... yes... I'm working on it.

Report: Half Of American Schools Failed Federal Standards | Fox News

Link

I don't know how our American education system every operated before this No Child Left Behind thing. I mean, we had some of the brightest minds in the world come out of American schools before this act. Wonder what would have happened has we never had the NCLB pass? Could out children get any dumber without it?


Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Wednesday Wind Up

HRH arrived in full force. Princess Sarah entertained me for about three hours tonight while Mommie went to the ER. Mom is sick with asthma, bronchitis and a slight case of pneumonia. She got drugs and they've gone home. 

I've spent the evening playing cards - Old Maid & Go Fish, listing to Scooby Doo movies, and watching Terra Nova while she played with Playdoh. And chatted with friends online. All together a relatively tame evening.

Dave worked on my shoulder and right at this very second there is NO PAIN in that shoulder! Boy is gifted, I'm telling you. Seriously, NO pain in my shoulder. As soon as he starts whatever he does, it stops. I'm getting ready to go to bed so I can try an sleep. I forgot to take one of my meds and will probably have trouble sleeping but we'll see. Once that pain is under control life is a bit more bearable. 

Becca informed me there were Apostolic dating services. {shakes head} I don't know what to do with such information. Filed under research. I have discovered I'm not really ready for the 21st century. I don't know if I ever will be. Also need to research when the next parade is happening. Hey, you meet some nice people at parades.

Now that I have you all laughing hysterically, I'm going to bed. Have a good night.




Mid-Week Update

The day started with milky sun but has progressed to a nice clabbered grey. There appears to be rain heading our way... again. I truly hate this weather.

I didn't have a great day yesterday. I guess if you read the blog you could tell. I tend to let things people say gnaw at me. A friend sort of pulled me up by my boot straps and I think I'm less depressed about it. At least my outlook isn't so dark. 

My neck and shoulder, however, are miserable. I don't know what to do about it. I'm having trouble sleeping. I'm tired because it wakes me up. I know that the tired can become a problem. I took an ice pack to bed last night. Yes, under the electric blanket. Helped for a bit. I've not been online as much this week because sitting at the computer is a problem. I've mostly just laid around and watched t.v. and tried to read. Even reading is a bit of a problem. Putting any strain on this neck just keeps it going.

I'm really annoyed in some ways. This isn't intended to be gross but if you have a problem with it, just skip to the next paragraph or post. I probably need a breast reduction. They mentioned it before when I had that cervical block to my neck and on the follow-up. I'm blessed, endowed, burdened whatever you want to call it but carrying this around is not good. If they took me back to what I was when I came here, 20 yrs ago, I'd lose at least 10 lbs and a dress size! The benefit would be less stress on my neck and shoulders. Don't know how Dolly does it. She's petite and has small feet. I'm 5'5" and as a teenager what they always termed "big boned". I figured out when I became an adult that is what they called females who were "early bloomers". What stupid things we use to describe people!  So my sand was where it was supposed to be. I think the drain is plugged at my waist and the sand at the top won't shift.. maybe a good thing in some respects. Not in others.

I'm glad most of my readers are women.

I'm looking forward to starting my writing plan. I am frustrated by the neck issues at the moment. It will only make it worse and I have to get that resolved. I had a whole two months of no pain! That's is what is so depressing. When you hurt so much, so long and you get these spates of no pain and you see what you're missing, and then it comes back. It becomes such a ... I don't have a word for it.

I was running late this morning because I slept late. I didn't eat breakfast and I'm starved. We will probably go to Captain D's for lunch.  In fact, it is after 11 so I can go NOW! 

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Wishing on Stars

 I really hate evenings when I sit here and wish for impossible
things. I can't see stars tonight even if I could step outside and
look up. They're hidden behind clouds. Actually, that's the story of
my life.

Chris told me today she thought I felt better when I was with I was
with people. I think she made the assessment after reading various
posts on the blog. It is true.I don't have to think when  I'm occupied
with chatter and noise and busyness. I get tired easily from it all
end up nearly collapsed by bedtime but still, I am somewhere else for
a bit. I step out of my world into one that is nearly normal. I
forget, forcibly at times, what's waiting.  But I always have to come
home.

You don't have to read any further. It is the same story. At the
moment, I'm wrestling with another headache, neck ache, and truly
dismal outlook. What really frustrates me is that I don't really have
a solution. They told me I wouldn't. That it wouldn't stop hitting me
for years. Yes, years.

I found some relief in October and November. But truthfully, I don't
want to live in a fictional world. I never was one of those soap fans.
You know, they talk about the characters as if they just went to the
bathroom with them and chatted back and forth in the stalls. Not me. I
could never get into that. It's worse now. Watching t.v. doesn't work
for me. The images can be down right painful. Ever watch someone do
CPR on a medical show. I have to leave the room. Ever watch weddings,
funerals, and love scenes?  I have to leave the room. Ever see
reunions and leave takings? Yeah, I have to leave the room.  Movies,
oh my goodness! I remember shortly after Jerry died, I watch The
Saint, one of my favorite movies.  I simply went to bed and cried for
hours at the end of it. How stupid is that? I never cry at movies,
ever... I didn't used to. Another reason I won't go to movies alone.
At least with someone you are to concerned about making a fool of
yourself.

Reading is almost as bad. The imagery is not as physical. It's more in
my head and easier to escape. Still, I've had several books I've
simply put down and not gone back to pick up in two years. I could
read a dozen books a month once.

I should just go to bed and try to sleep. I don't think about the real
world. The sleep, perchance to dream... Hamlet had his own nightmares.

To die, to sleep—
No more—and by a sleep to say we end
The heartache, and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to. 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep—
To sleep—perchance to dream. Ay, there's the rub!
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come,
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,

You know, I never understood Hamlet's speech before! I've read the
complete works of Shakespeare and I've read and seen this play. I
never understood it! I did tonight. There's something to be said for
despair.

I'm going to stop. There are no stars to wish on and if I could, it
would be wasted.

Christmas Carols 2011 Part 2

Please try and laugh a bit and don't send me mail.... I thought it was funny. And I just love Star Wars!


Softly Falls

I woke this morning to another gloomy day but to actually less pain. I shuffled to get my coffee, because in the mornings my legs do not work well, particularly my feet. I said once it was like walking barefoot on gravel. Still is.  

As I moved to other rooms I heard the soft patter of rain drops. It was raining. I got my coffee and returned to my room to get ready for work. Most things were not hurting this morning. So, just before rain things hurt. Once rain begins, it eases up. {sigh} No wonder people move to the desert. I took my time dressing until I realized I'd over slept by half an hour. One thing about wearing hair down... you can sleep later. 

I can't remember if I mentioned it yesterday. I was invited by Loraine, one of my Asylum inmates, to go to a gathering last night. Ladies in her church meet, I think monthly, and play Bunco. Not sure of the spelling but that's close enough. Loraine is one of my favorite people and I agreed. I had a nice time, had a really good bowl of taco soup, and won a prize, which was a surprise since I've never played the game before. Dice game where you really want to roll sixes. I enjoyed myself and came home around 8:30. Got a hot shower and snacks, watch Grimm and went to bed. I was so tired.

I actually slept better last night. I'm waking up dehydrated but I'm drinking water when I wake up. I keep some by the bed so I don't have to get up and mess up my sleep.  Still, it takes most of a morning to re-hydrate. I'm going to ask about it when I go back to the doctor on the 20th. 

I'm again trying to get a sleep schedule in place. When I do that I rest better and when I get more sleep I feel better. Seems sleep is the only thing that helps. I stayed at home and raised my children until Dave started school in 1998. Until then I could sleep later and rest if I needed to but I seldom needed it. I had lots of energy and did all kinds of physical things. Jerry used to laugh and say he didn't know where the furniture would be sometimes when he came home. It is why it is so very frustrating to be so tired. Can't do a lot of things I need to do.

I'm going to get back to work now. The rain is still falling softly outside my window and the sky is a uniform grey. I'd love to be curled up with a book and hot cocoa. Later.




Monday, December 12, 2011

Christmas Carols 2011

Did You Ever Wonder?

I'm curious. I have my blog on Multiply and I can see who visits the blog. Periodically I go through the history and check out the blogs of those who visited but who are not in my contacts.


No so with Blogger, which is just a mirror of my Multiply blog. I had Blogger long before I had either Yahoo 360 or Multiply. And I still like it. Some time ago Blogger added a stats feature. It's really good but it only tells you that x number of people visited your blog for a given time span: day, week, month and year.


This year, I put my blogger address on my NaNo profile and in the first month I had 1000 hits! I was stunned. People were actually coming by? Yep. I'm still getting a lot of hits and always one or two from my profile page. It's interesting and I am left wondering. Who are they?


I know I've gained a couple of new friends from NaNo who have actually told me they read my blog. But 1000? And since the 12th of November there have been over 920 hits. I went from 4500 over years to 7500 in two months. That just blows my mind. I'm not that interesting.


Then, I think, maybe they just go look at the home page and move on. But that blogger stat page... it tells me what pages they visit. Yeah! I can see what post got how many visits.


Then I get to wondering what people think. On Multiply, contacts leave comments and that's nice. People don't tend to do that on Blogger. Some do, but not most. I'm not writing a political rant usually so those who would comment won't. I'm generally not posting some controversial religious rant. I usually am pretty rude about saying "Take it or leave it. I'm not interested in debating." So, that cuts another group. And I don't do book reviews, helpful hints, or recipes. So, another whole sector gone. So, I figure I pretty much remove any opportunity for people to comment.


It's o.k. But I'm so curious about the numbers. Of course it could just be trolling bots clicking the numbers over. Somehow it seems more obscene to think you've had a bot skulking about staring in your windows rather than a real person. Yes. I mean, what do they want with what they learn? Who are they reporting to? Should I be concerned? Are these things plotting to strike at bloggers in some nefarious fashion? Do they take your site down? Do they turn your posts to gibberish? Will they send evil minions to your home to invade your electrical system? Will they take out your internet? Fry your modem? Infiltrate your wi-fi printer and use all you ink?


I'm just curious. And I'm really, really bored.

Sunny Monday At Last!

Yesterday was not a very good day, I'm afraid. The nagging headache still clung to me like slime. I went to church in the morning but went straight home and applied ice to my neck and shoulder and lay on the sofa the rest of the day and watched t.v. on the computer and read from my Kindle. I was just miserable and I hate days like that.

I did still wake up with the neck pain and mild headache but as the day has progressed the pain has lessened. And... it is sunny today! I truly think some of it is caused by certain chairs and the arms on the desk chairs. I find myself propping on my left arm and it really creates tension in my neck and shoulder. I'm working on it. I think if I checked back several months there was another place that I had a similar problem and it was positional pain. Of course, last night I had to take all the pillows out from beneath my head. 

I am enjoying the Kindle. I have over 50 books on that thing already, all free ones. There are a lot of free books. I'm reading three items now. Yes, I do that pretty regularly when I read. Never just one book going. That doesn't include blogs and other kinds of websites. 

I went to lunch at Cancun today. Mexican restaurant. Don't know if I mentioned that. It is a bit farther away than the other one I usually go to but they had a fire and are shut down while they remodel. Food it good, place is decorated nicely and I just like it. But I'll be glad when the other opens back up. 

OH! Sherlock Holmes is going to be at the theater next weekend! I am dying to see that movie. I loved the last one with Robert Downey Jr. I love to watch him. I won't go by myself but I'll be bumming up someone to go with me between now and then. LOL, how sad is that?

I missed seeing the fourth Pirates of the Caribbean because I didn't want to go alone. I guess this time, if it comes down to it I will but it isn't much fun to see a good movie by yourself.

All right. Piles of paperwork at my elbow are demanding attention. I'm still playing catch up. I'm hoping to get it all caught up today or tomorrow so I can work on stuff going forward. 

Hope you are all having a really nice day.




"If things improve with age, then I am approaching magnificence." - From the side of my blue coffee mug.


Saturday, December 10, 2011

End of the Day

I have spent the evening watching t.v. shows online. I am about to go to bed and hope to goodness I can get up in the morning and go to church. 

All things considered my weekend has been a positive one, despite that nagging headache that still plagues me. I really think it is my neck. I may need to get an ice pack and put on it but it is so cold outside and I get cold so easy. 

I don't know if I mentioned I bought a Kindle yesterday. My Christmas present to myself. I bought it and began using it immediately. I actually thought about wrapping it. I know, stupid, isn't it. Buying gifts for myself is not fun. So I don't. Not really. I usually have something from some family member so it's fine. But its the missing things that get to you. It isn't the number under the tree or at your birthday. It's the ones that aren't there that remind you. Probably why my anniversary is so hard. So, while buying something for myself for Christmas was nice and was just what I wanted... it loses some of the luster  of a gift from someone special. You can't get that back. Nothing is special anymore. 

I'm not going into a depressing drone so cheer up. I'm only stating the facts. I can't help how it sounds. I can't change how it feels. It is what it is, what it is.

Anyway, I have to buy everyone's gifts this week. We are supposed to try and put the tree up next weekend. I asked the kids to come over and we'll have dinner and do it then. I don't think I want to do it alone so if they don't come, I won't put it up. I'm simply not going to deal with it. I'll be sorry but I think not as sorry as I'd be if I have to do it alone. 

Still not sure what I'll do with the holiday. I think I'll be cooking.... but I got to get busy if I'm doing dressing. I hate doing it all on that day. Monster preparing dressing the way I do it.. old fashioned stuff that takes a couple of days prep work. So.. must get my act together. 

Haven't written much. The headache makes it difficult. But I'm reading a free writing e-book I got called Hooked. I like it. Only on the second chapter but he's already given me some insights to some things I need to address. I think I posted this link on one of the blogs. Might be on the Asylum blog. There was a link to five free e-books on writing. 

I'm off. I'm really ready to call it a night. 


Success

The TGIO get together was a lovely success. I had my super college students Kai and his girlfriend, Rachael and his sister Erin, all came and they are just the sweetest kids! They came to a lot of the write-ins and were just wonderful supports. Another Wrimo, DeWayne, who works and had been unable to come to the write-ins came by. His daughter was supposed to come but she was ill. He too was very nice and I got to chat with everyone. 

I truly had a good time as the ML this year and I hope next year I'll have a bit more time to get things organized. The site remodel kind of delayed supplies so I didn't really know what to do or how. Pantsing is not what you want to do as ML. Writing that way is one thing but not organizing meetings.

Dave & Becca came by for a little while and they just left. All together, I've had a rather nice day. Even with a mild headache. I'm going to get a nice hot shower and relax. I have to take Mike home shortly.  He helped me get things set up. I'll be back later

Finally Nearly Over

You know that feeling when NaNo is over and you feel a huge weight lifted? Well, as ML I have discovered that you don't actually get that right away.... No. You have a TGIO to plan and then you sweat and wonder if anyone will show up! Maybe they will, maybe they won't. 

This isn't a very active region for NaNo participants but could be because they've not had an ML in ages. People sign up but who know. I had six RSVPs and that's what I prepared for and gave the directions to. I'm glad it was a small group! But... now I'm sitting here the last 45 minutes and wondering if they will show up. And I'll be really embarrassed if only one or two do... well, I mean... when you say TGIO party you think crowd.. right? LOL. I do.

That's why I purposely termed it a "get together". Cause I didn't expect anyone to even come. But then, I didn't for the Meet and Greet either... and 18 did. 

I hate waiting. But once this is done... I'll be glad truly able to say TGIO!

I'll be back to let you all know how it went. So far every person I've met through NaNo has just been really nice. I know three of those supposed to be here today. I'm sure the other three are, too.


Friday, December 9, 2011

Friday Free?

Took the day off! I have things I really want to do and a Saturday just isn't enough time.

I suppose if you asked me directly how things were... I'd say life, in general, isn't much fun. I've discovered that there are brief moments when you can totally drown out the voices or the movies that run continually in your head. But to do that all the time is impossible and would be so exhausting that you couldn't survive. I don't have the capacity to do it as much as I need. Not sure if anyone would. I sort of just do what I can. I'm pretty sure it is why I've decided on an aggressive writing plan. I was insanely busy for November and managed to drown out everything. People around me hated it because they couldn't get through. Now, that's done, I need to stop that bitch in my brain from her infernal prattling and screaming. I don't want to think. Or if I do, I don't want to think about my life or lack of. I'll make one up and solve someone else's problems.

There is the very real instinct to run. All right, that makes no sense but it's true. There is, and has been for a while, this instinct to run, find a cave, and simply stay there and avoid prying eyes and questions and... all of it. Impossible, I know. I hate the empty house and my vacant life. For those of you who think children are a comfort to widows, you're full of crap. They aren't. They weren't ever meant to be and that's another example of stupid assumptions. They don't know how to do anything about it. They try but when they see it doesn't work they give up. I adore my family but this kind of just destroyed it. We have a hard time doing the things we did before because there's always this empty chair and no one wants to face it. So we don't. I don't ever to expect to have any of that back. I'm not even pursuing it because it is too much effort.

I have not decided if I'll put up my tree or not. I would like to but it is also too much effort and absolutely no fun at all for me anymore. I've done it all my life but it has suddenly became unimportant. I can remember helping Mama decorate the tree. Then I can remember when she told me I could do it all by myself. She would sit and watch me. I remember decorating it with Jerry. He'd help string the lights, put the hooks in and hand me things and I'd decorate the tree. I remember the boys learning to decorate the tree and then I remember coming home from work and David had the tree up and was waiting for me to get the lights sorted out so he could put the decorations on while I supervised him. Next, I remember coming in from work and he had it nearly done. I remember Sarah's first Christmas where she really noticed the lights and toddled around oohing and ahhing over them and all the little things I had near the bottom of the tree. My tree is always child friendly with decorations that appeal to children and tend to be a bit funny, like Santa with his feet in a tub of hot water and a hot water bottle on his head and wrapped in a blanket, or the cat hanging from a wreath.

I don't remember if I put it up after Jerry died. I don't think I did....I have a couple of times since but this year.. don't know. Anyway, I've made no move to bring any of it in. I even have a Christmas village.. haven't put that up in years because I had no room to do so.

I have running to do today and Sue has not come to clean. Not sure why so may have to call her. I don't want to be here while she cleans. It bugs me because I feel unsettled and as if I should be cleaning, too. She doesn't need the distraction of me hovering. I'd hate it.

I have plans to get Sarah today. That will be a bit hectic but at least I will be occupied with other things. So, I have nothing else to complain about I'm off to do my errands.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

The Beginning


A couple of the girls I work with and I were talking about some things at work and I ended up telling them how I met Jerry. Don't know if I ever told that here. But here's the tale. 

November 27, 1973 the town of Andalusia, Alabama held its annual Christmas Parade. I was 17. It is a small town and your typical All American but Southern town cheering for the Crimson Tide during football season and their own Bulldogs and celebrating the 4th of July with hot dogs and watermelon. The parade would not be long. 

It had rained all day and I did not want to go to the parade. It wasn't my thing. But my brother, Billy wanted to go. Since there was no one else to take him, Mama asked me to do it. I moaned a bit but she said please and I'd do just about anything to please Mama. So I took him. 

We found a parking place and then staked out a spot on the town square right at the street side. I had quit school in the spring and was taking correspondence classes at home. One of my school friends saw me and ran over and asked me to come to the courthouse steps. When I attended school I sang in the chorus and they were going to sing on the steps that night. Nearly a dozen of them were friends and were standing in a circle waiting for it to start. My friend told me everyone wanted to see me. So I went. Jerry's sister, Sandra was there. She was a year ahead of me but we had been friendly. I said hello to each one and Sandra turned and said, "Oh, Cindy, this is my brother, Jerry." 

I said, "Hi, nice to meet you." And went back to talking to my friends. 

When I was done, I started back across the street and Jerry stepped up and said, "Can I walk with you?"

I said, "It's a free street. You can walk where you want."

He tagged along and when we got to the place where we were watching the parade he said, "You mind if I watch with you?"

I said, "No, you can stay if you like."

He did. 

I don't remember if we talked. I'm sure we must have a bit but I simply don't remember. He would have if I could ask him. When the parade was over, Bill and I started back to the car. I don't even remember Bill being there but he was the only reason I was there, so I know he was. Jerry followed and said, "I'd like to come and see you some time if that's all right."

I shrugged and said, "I'm not doing anything Friday night."

He said, "I'm going to Montgomery Friday to a ball game but would Saturday night be all right?"

"I'm babysitting Saturday night but if you want to come over and sit around with me you can."

He agreed. And he did come by and stayed until ten o'clock. After that we saw each other every weekend . . . until January 11, 1974 when I married him.

After the wedding, Sandra said, "After he came home from the parade that night I ask him what he thought about you."

I asked her, "What did he say?"

"He said, "I just met the girl I'm going to marry."



Tuesday, December 6, 2011

The Perks of A Government Job

It is gray. It is cold. But it isn't raining. Silver lining. But who'd notice a silver lining on a gray day?

I am slowing gaining on the work load. . . operative word: slowly. But a gain is a gain, right? A moment ago I prayed for there to be no interim changes for the next two weeks. By then they will have all got and lost a job three times so it will all even out. I will only have to do the work once, rather than three times.

How does that work? Client got a job. Reported job in 10 days on last of ten days or day they quit. Worked a week. Quit job. Reported quit job on first of 10 days. Got new job. Reported on last of 10 days and before verification of old job has come in. I have to send the verification every time they file one. Must hold all verifications until they come in and I can process in order. They call every week, "What's my rent?" I wait. I finally get the changes back and done. They quit new job because rent is too high ($50? $200? whatever). I start over.

And this is how the day will go.. well, there's more but if that bored you, well, you don't want to know. Or maybe you do? Have I ever told you about the woman with the cows? No? Well, that's how she gets her milk. No! She doesn't milk them! She's hooked up to the cows and .... yes. 

How about the woman that people always steal her bed? They also crawl into her attic and send poison in her house, too. She once appeared at the door to pay her rent to one landlord... stark naked. She's a large woman. He said he'd never rent to her again unless he could be sure she was on her meds. 

Or the guy who kicked the bathroom sink off the wall? There is the woman who is about 78 and her boyfriend is a 30 yr old paranoid schizophrenic (remember the sink) and the Landlord was doing an inspection and found . . . wait for it. . . handcuffs under her bed.

Did I mention the one who said, "It wasn't my drugs! My friend offered me a lift. I didn't know he was going to fire a gun out the window. Then the cops pulled him over." Do tell? Um... the drugs were in her purse. "But they weren't my drugs!"

No, I am not making this up!

Then there was the mother daughter combo sitting in a meeting and I though they were ill and about to faint. Turns out they were stoned. Daughter was taking Mom's cancer pain killers. (shakes head)

How about this one. She: "I need an extra bedroom." Me: "You don't qualify for an extra bedroom." She: "I got to have one. Sometime I need my pleasure and can't be doing that with my kids around." Unfortunately... or maybe fortunately, we don't subsidize that activity... oh, wait... yes, we do! 

A different she: "Can I get assistance if I marry a felon?" Me: Raised brows. "Probably not." AND WHY WOULD YOU? Fortunately these things usually come by way of phone calls so my facial expressions are not visible. 

Yes. This is what I deal with on a daily basis. And let me tell you that I earn every stinking tax dollar you pay cause I'm the one listening to these people. Now you begin to see. This is a government job. Still want one?

Today I feel if my day is no worse than yesterday, I'll be ahead. One can only hope. 

I have to go. The phone is ringing.





Monday, December 5, 2011

A Lovely Shade of . . . Gray?

I would love to report that it is a wonderful day, filled with copious amounts of sunshine, warm breezes, and promise. I can report none of those things. Not even one.

There is no sun. I have no idea where it went or who took it but it isn't here. I have my suspicions and will investigate. There are no warm breezes. In fact, at right at this very moment it is 41F and for me, that's cold. I admit there are some hardy souls who will say that's cool. Fine, you just misspelled it. It is C-O-L-D. And it is, I'm sure, going to get colder. It is just the pits to have to pull up the garage door, back out, get out.. in the rain... and pull it down. 

Yes, I know I need an automatic opener. As soon as you send me the $300-$400 it cost, I'll get right on that.

As for promise... most days won't hold any. Too many holes.

I feeling fairly well I suppose. I have some mild pain issues. Shoulder, hip, and neck. I had some pretty severe shooting pain in the leg until I got up. If it were possible to sleep standing up I might have that licked.

But my mood is fine. I found myself laughing a lot in November and as a result, I felt really good. I'm sure some of that is carry over. I'm still talking to the people who make me laugh and so that too helps. I complain too much. I have been working on it but it is hard to see much positive when the world explodes in your face. First thing to go is your vision. 

I have my TGIO scheduled for Saturday and I am expecting no more than 10. Half that have given me positive responses so I'll be fine. Any food left over will be eaten by my horde... which includes two healthy males, as you have seen. 

I'm still writing. Started something last night.. no idea what it is or what I'm going to do with it. I'm really considering another blog but I haven't nailed down the format. I thought about one that is co-authored but two problems presented itself. Need multiple authors who are interested in doing a long running fictional blog and what if I or other supposed authors get tired of it. I supposed I could set a time limit and say, I'm doing this for x months. Of course, I could go solo and if I got tired, I just close it down. And not sure what kind of story I want to write for it. So, more thinking.

Really need something that pays.... 

It is raining. Did I say that? It is. Hasn't stopped in more than 24 hours. 

~\O  8<3


Friday, December 2, 2011

Matter Over Mind

If you are easily disturbed or depressed or just sick of me do not read the blog today.This will not make one bit of sense to anyone. I don't care. It doesn't to me either but better here (points to blog) than in here (taps head). 

I don't get the "mind over matter" thing at all. It means that if we want something bad enough, if we believe or try hard enough, we can obtain the goal, item, or desired outcome. If we don't like thinking something we just change our thinking! There is an old joke "if I don't mind, it doesn't  matter". And the last is probably closer to truth than the other.

I can't change one thing by believing or hoping it will change. Really. It doesn't work. I don't know what the magic words are that institute change. Today is. It is not going to be yesterday or last week or last year. It is. Fact - sun came up today. Done. I know. I've spent years wishing to go back in time.

My problem is I mind. I mind every flipping bit of it. Most of the time I try to think that it doesn't matter but it's a lie. I mind. So it does matter. 

I suddenly realized in the last few days, maybe a week, that I do not like who I am. I don't know if this is who I always was or if I changed at 21 or when my children were born, or when I turned 30 or 40 or when Jerry died. But I really do not like the person who took my place. 

I look in the mirror and I see a stranger. That person is not someone I like being around. She's not any fun at all. She's always out there, the one that people see and talk to. She's very good at camouflage, pretense. She smiles and laughs when she knows people are watching. She says all the right things at the right time. She takes care of business, keeps things together, slipping once in a while because I interfere but mostly ruling with an iron hand. The facade seldom slips and never in front of anyone who would notice or care. 

I see her without the facade. Maybe she feels the mask isn't necessary around me. I can't stand her. She's frightening. I try very hard to figure out if she's the miserable one or if it is me. She says I over think everything. That I need to accept things with a smile and stay positive and just get over myself. I need to simply accept that everything is as it must be and I need to stop rejecting it. Embrace my life, accept it, and move on. Stop minding about stuff. It doesn't matter. 

But I mind. So, it matters.  

I often wonder where everything goes. If it disappears into the ether forever or if it is floating around out there somewhere to be grasped and pulled back. I'm not talking souls here. I'm talking about what makes us who we are while we are still breathing. And I wonder if, when who we are slips away from us, we can reach out and catch something of what we were and pull it back. Can we slip into it like a comfortable old coat. I'm afraid we can't. I'm afraid that who I was is gone, disappeared forever. That if I strip away the other one, there will be nothing there. I'm afraid that everything that has been left will be gone, too. And that the truth is I don't exist anymore. I. . . believe that it is true.

And I mind. So, it really does matter.

I don't expect anyone will be able to define this. I don't want metaphysical interpretations or psycho-babel about identity or grief mumbo-jumbo. I'm not crazy. Truthfully, losing who you are is painful. Think of tying your arm to the back of a train while the rest of you is tied to the track. Yes, exactly like that. And even more truthfully, you're never quite right again. Maybe that's why I see her more clearly than I see me.

If I didn't mind, it really wouldn't matter.

But I do. And it does.


A Change in Everything

No idea what's going on today. Leg pain has disturbed my sleep for two nights now. It's terrible today and there's is just no relief for it except get up. At least that worked before. Now, it isn't helping. It isn't helped by the fact that my gait is affected. I walk different because it hurts and I suspect it hurts more because I walk different! ~~:(

Obviously the mad rush of NaNo is over... so I have more time to contemplate. I realized last night I better find something to keep my mind occupied completely or it isn't going to be a bearable holiday. Not sure it will anyway but no sense raining on everyone's parade. My blogs are likely to be real bad trips for anyone who reads them. 

I dont' look for the day to get better. I'm sitting with mounds of paper around me and all I really want to do is find a place to take a nap. The leg interferes with sleep, so, I tend to be sleepy. Lack of sleep causes me to become "foggy" which in turn makes it hard to focus, which makes it hard to work, or write, or even carry on conversations and remember things. 

Might have to issue warning labels if I think they are too depressing. Anyone but me get tired of my whining?

Now that that is  out of the way....

It is brilliantly sunny with clear skies. It is 35F. I'm praying for a southwest wind to blow in. That would give us another 10 degrees. I could live with that. Hmmm, just a second while I check something. Ah..a front between two high pressure systems rolled in yesterday and is currently sitting right on top of us! There are a bunch of Highs across the mid-west to the Rocky Mountains. Maybe tomorrow will be a bit better. Unless the lows.. nix that southwest wind. There's  a low sitting right over the Southwest and one rolling in from the S. Pacific. Looks like rain might be in store for the S.W. or even snow in the higher elevations. 

This has been your morning weather for S. W. Indiana. Have a great day. And be careful out there!

Check and see if I'm right. LOL, my new job... weather girl. 

Google+ Followers