Matter Over Mind

If you are easily disturbed or depressed or just sick of me do not read the blog today.This will not make one bit of sense to anyone. I don't care. It doesn't to me either but better here (points to blog) than in here (taps head). 

I don't get the "mind over matter" thing at all. It means that if we want something bad enough, if we believe or try hard enough, we can obtain the goal, item, or desired outcome. If we don't like thinking something we just change our thinking! There is an old joke "if I don't mind, it doesn't  matter". And the last is probably closer to truth than the other.

I can't change one thing by believing or hoping it will change. Really. It doesn't work. I don't know what the magic words are that institute change. Today is. It is not going to be yesterday or last week or last year. It is. Fact - sun came up today. Done. I know. I've spent years wishing to go back in time.

My problem is I mind. I mind every flipping bit of it. Most of the time I try to think that it doesn't matter but it's a lie. I mind. So it does matter. 

I suddenly realized in the last few days, maybe a week, that I do not like who I am. I don't know if this is who I always was or if I changed at 21 or when my children were born, or when I turned 30 or 40 or when Jerry died. But I really do not like the person who took my place. 

I look in the mirror and I see a stranger. That person is not someone I like being around. She's not any fun at all. She's always out there, the one that people see and talk to. She's very good at camouflage, pretense. She smiles and laughs when she knows people are watching. She says all the right things at the right time. She takes care of business, keeps things together, slipping once in a while because I interfere but mostly ruling with an iron hand. The facade seldom slips and never in front of anyone who would notice or care. 

I see her without the facade. Maybe she feels the mask isn't necessary around me. I can't stand her. She's frightening. I try very hard to figure out if she's the miserable one or if it is me. She says I over think everything. That I need to accept things with a smile and stay positive and just get over myself. I need to simply accept that everything is as it must be and I need to stop rejecting it. Embrace my life, accept it, and move on. Stop minding about stuff. It doesn't matter. 

But I mind. So, it matters.  

I often wonder where everything goes. If it disappears into the ether forever or if it is floating around out there somewhere to be grasped and pulled back. I'm not talking souls here. I'm talking about what makes us who we are while we are still breathing. And I wonder if, when who we are slips away from us, we can reach out and catch something of what we were and pull it back. Can we slip into it like a comfortable old coat. I'm afraid we can't. I'm afraid that who I was is gone, disappeared forever. That if I strip away the other one, there will be nothing there. I'm afraid that everything that has been left will be gone, too. And that the truth is I don't exist anymore. I. . . believe that it is true.

And I mind. So, it really does matter.

I don't expect anyone will be able to define this. I don't want metaphysical interpretations or psycho-babel about identity or grief mumbo-jumbo. I'm not crazy. Truthfully, losing who you are is painful. Think of tying your arm to the back of a train while the rest of you is tied to the track. Yes, exactly like that. And even more truthfully, you're never quite right again. Maybe that's why I see her more clearly than I see me.

If I didn't mind, it really wouldn't matter.

But I do. And it does.