Sunday, October 27, 2013

Messages From Water

I've talked briefly about my recent experience at the Austin Re: Write conference in previous posts. There was so much I learned and some of it was so profound that it has taken a week to begin to separate the wheat from the chaff. I still want to compile my notes and share those. However, one speaker's message stands out. I doubt I'll ever forget it. Peter Strople talked about writing what someone needs to hear and he used the video below to illustrate the power of words.

I found a copy of this video on YouTube. It shows the results of the work of Dr. Masaru Emoto, a Japanese researcher, who tested the effect of sound and words on water. Youtube contains an excellent documentary on this as well, and it is in my play list. However, if you do nothing else but watch this short video you will understand why I can't forget it.

Although the video is not religious, as I watched this again, I recalled scriptures in the Bible that speak about chemical changes that happened in water as a result of the prophets action or words. Several people in the Bible are told to "wash" to obtain their healing. Jesus' first miracle was changing water to wine. There are springs and fountains around the world where for centuries it is believe healing disease was possible. So, there are many reference that document the changeable state water by words.

I have frequently told people and I've said it in some of my posts, that I believe much of our disease is caused by something in the water. After viewing the results of Dr. Emoto's experiments, I now believe that more than anything else, we are poisoning ourselves and our world by our thoughts, words, and actions. If speaking one word to water changes it in such a radical way, what happens when we speak to those around us? We drink water every day. We bathe in it regularly. We absorb it through our skin. Our form is mostly water. Perhaps the phrase "you are what you eat" would be more accurate stated as "you are what you drink".

** References: for those interested in the Biblical references to water.

Ezekiel 47:8-9
Then said he unto me, These waters issue out toward the east country, and go down into the desert, and go into the sea: which being brought forth into the sea, the waters shall be healed.

And it shall come to pass, that every thing that liveth, which moveth, whithersoever the rivers shall come, shall live: and there shall be a very great multitude of fish, because these waters shall come thither: for they shall be healed; and every thing shall live whither the river cometh.

ELISHA » Purifies the waters of Jericho by casting salt into the fountain (2 Kings 2:19-22)
GOD » Purifying the waters of Marah (Exodus 15:25)
JERICHO » Waters of (Joshua 16:1)
MARAH » The first station of the Israelites, where Moses made the bitter waters sweet (Exodus 15:22-25; Numbers 33:8,9)
MIRACLES »  Sweetening the waters of Marah (Exodus 15:25)
MIRACLES »  Sweetens the waters of Jericho (2 Kings 2:19-22)

Saturday, October 26, 2013

The Week after A Vacation


It arrived as usual and I greeted it with the same excitement that I feel when I go to the dentist. Yes, really. The bonus is that I've been pain free for days. The climate . . . or maybe the atmosphere of Texas agreed with me. I have a niggling of a headache but I think I'm just tired.

I did sit up rather late Tuesday, despite getting up at 4 a.m. to wander the backroads of the Texas plains, the highways of Dallas-Ft Worth, and the parking lots of the airport. I had a pleasant day and on Wednesday, I sort of repeated myself. It was true vacation.

From the 16th of October until the 20th I was so involved with lectures of authors, publishers, marketers, and researchers that it felt like school. I was depleted by bedtime and slept like a log, despite being in a strange bed. The actual act of relaxing started only after I reached my friend's home.

I didn't mention my drive from Austin to Ft. Worth on the 20th, did I? Maybe I shouldn't. It wasn't fun. Still, I think one must learn to look at events that occur in one's day as entertainment. Yes, I know that's ridiculous, even insane, but really, it is true. One must look back and say, "Oh wasn't that amusing?" Don't forget to chuckle. I mean, what else can you do with a nasty bathroom somewhere between Austin and Ft Worth that I wouldn't have taken a dog into but which I had no choice but to use. It reeked and the toilet looked as if something had blown up in there and they'd tried to hide the evidence by flushing only. It didn't work well. My flushing didn't either. There were very few places that I could stop and besides, how was I to know that it was really slaughterhouse and not a convenience store. It looked like a convenience store. And I really had to go.

Then, there was the heavy construction along my route that made it nearly impossible to get off the interstate. I really wanted a drink in the worst way. I'd finished the one I'd gotten in Austin and after that dreadful stop I was bone dry. Fortunately, I had a bottle of water from the hotel. Traffic moved at 25 miles per hour for about 2 hours. I don't remember what I did during that time, besides drink water. I believe I listened to some 30's Jazz somewhere in there and it was quite good before I lost the signal. In fact, I don't remember anything about the trip but piles of very odd white rock along each side of the road. Not something I would expect but I'm not very familiar with Texas geology at this point.

Once I reached my friend's I was the one about to explode.. It is very embarrassing when the first thing out of your mouth is "May I use your potty?" Really. But when ya gotta go, ya gotta go. I don't think I actually said that but something close. One thing I've noticed as I've gotten older is that self control is not what it once was and you can push the limits only so far before ugly things start to happen.

Oh, let me just say if you need a job I suspect the highway department of the great state of Texas would be a good place to start. I've never seen the like of road construction anywhere in all my life. They were building roads from Austin to Dallas-Ft Worth and on the west of Ft Worth, they were building roads to somewhere else. So, pick up that phone.

Friday was swift and uneventful. Thank God for those days.

Saturday was hectic as I had to get motivated to get out of my warm jammies and get some running done. Sarah is with me this weekend and she and I headed to Walmart to get her a gift for an amazing report card. She above her grade level and we were so happy about that.

At 2 pm I was at Washington Square Mall for the National Novel Writing Month Kickoff. A kickoff is just an informal get together to connect with other participants before the madness of NaNo. It went well and it was nice to reconnect with my co-participants. There were a couple of folks who decided this is the year they stop lurking.

And now... chocolate ice cream.

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

A Summary of a Quest

10:00 a.m. Thursday, October 17, 2013

I'm sitting at the airport in the “free Wi-Fi” section which doesn't let me log on to post this directly. So, it will be a running commentary of my trip... boring. 

I was going to go to the gate but the guard nicely checked his watch and said, “Just to let you know, you're a bit early and there's nothing back there but vending machines and seats. If you want you have plenty of time to wait out here where there's a place to get coffee and relax.” Wasn't that nice? So, I got a diet Coke and an almond Snickers bar and am sitting here listing to Good Morning America and typing up this post. 

I had a restless night. Dreamed a lot of dreams that kept waking me up but at least I got a lot of sleep and I feel a lot less pain today, even though it rained during the night. In fact, I woke up to the sound of rain. I forgot and left the heat on and sometime around 5 a.m. I got up to turn it off. Once I cooled off I slept better. 

The skies are heavy with clouds but I thought for a moment that there was a break and the sun peeked through. I could be wrong. I was antsy getting everything packed because you know you're going to forget something. You don't want to forget something important when you're several states away from home. I packed all my meds in my bag and hope to goodness they don't open it. Of course I put a lock on it... which, it they cut it, I'll know they opened it. 

I hate flying in overcast weather and I think it is even rainy in Dallas and Austin. One can hope it clears by the time I get there. I am to sit around in Dallas Airport for three hours! I may try and write a bit there. I don't know if I'll bother with internet if it as much trouble as it was here. No one seems to know how to use the free wi-fi. Typical.

This is a small airport and I know the plane will be small too. Ugh. On top of turbulence there will be shoulder to shoulder people. As it is approaching the time TSA told me to come back to the gate, I'm going to save this now. My neck is beginning to ache. Obviously, using the computer on certain surfaces is a problem. I've noticed this all week as I dealt with the pain and resulting headache. 

October 19, 2013

The rest of my trip was so hectic I didn't even post. Fortunately, there were no flight delays or screw-ups. Once I landed in Dallas, I took the Skyline to my next departure gate but got off one stop too soon. When I ask directions, the “not information guy” said, “It won't take you more than 10 minutes to reach the gate or you can catch the Skyline.” Since I'd have to wait for the train, I opted to walk... with my heavy laptop and carry on. I'm going to have another rolling bag that will fit under the seat next time or a new, lighter laptop for travel. 

I walked a bit until I reached Chili's Restaurant where I promptly ordered lunch and waited until it was closer to departure time. I was running out of steam. Lunch at Chili's is delicious but stupidly expensive. Lots of food, too much, in fact, for one person. 

I walked down to the gate after that and watched people until time to board, maybe 30 minutes. This airport actually has comfortable chairs at the gates. If the back had been just a bit higher I'd have been able to really relax and take the pressure off my neck.

The flight to Austin was fast. It took longer to board the plane and take off than it did to get there. The flight attendant was a 16 yr veteran and very nice. She informed me that airlines are hiring for flight attendants, at least American Airlines is, because a lot of them are retiring. So, if you're interested...

October 23, 2013

I came home on Tuesday. I was up at 4:30 and drove to Dallas-Ft Worth Airport, not a fun trip. I got lost in the woods in the dark, turned around on the highway, off at the wrong places three times, and went in circles at the airport trying to find the rental car return site. It was dark and I was still tired. I barely got to check in an hour ahead of my flight. Not an experience I want to repeat. 

I had every intention of blogging everyday but honestly, it would have been impossible. I was in sessions from 9 in the morning until 9 at night. There was so much information that I was truly overloaded. I took a lot of notes that I'm going to compile and share with my writing group. It was an amazing experience and I gained a lot of insight from it. I don't know how that will help me but there are some adjustments I have to make, I think, to point me in the right direction. 

I came away from this conference with more than just information on writing. I was blessed to see a +100 writers who want to do the same thing I do and some of them are doing it. I was blessed by people who shared their story with me and encouraged me. There was this room packed with Christian authors and publishers and agents sharing their experiences and expertise. It was mind boggling but I have to say that what overwhelmed me were the stories of how these people got to where they are and the stories of their faith. The likes of George Barna, head of The Barna Group and three executives from WaterBrook Multnomah, a division of Penguin Random House Publishing all shared information and insight on publishing and marketing. 

So, all together, this was a really nice trip. I enjoyed the conference far more than even I expected. My visit with my friend, Phyllis, not just a pleasure but relaxing. It was nice to visit with her and her family. I got to make the acquaintance of several farm animals and drive Nancy's Jag. 

I have spent today also relaxing and doing absolutely nothing of merit. I've read a lot for the last two days, finished two books. I'm about to start work on organizing my notes over the conference and refreshing my memory about what I learned... before I forget completely. I'd like to share it with my writer friends, those who are interested, via a hangout but if that doesn't fly, I may just do a video blog.

Now, I'm going to bed so I can get back to work tomorrow. It is not something I look forward to but there aren't no options for me. 

Monday, October 14, 2013

A Little Blonde Moment

Saturday I did some cleaning around the house and found an old planner that belonged to Jerry. It was in really great shape and I had planned to use it instead of my old one, although my planner was more expensive, this one was hardly ever used. Instead, I gave it to Sarah. It is just the kind of thing I remember liking as a kid. I wasn't disappointed either. She loved it.

She opened the binder and took out pages and began writing and playing like she was writing a prescription. I believe she wrote one for Tylenol, acetaminophen, and something else. I was impressed.

I left her in the living room and went to the kitchen where I began washing dishes. She called out and said, "Mawmaw, I have to punch holes in this paper so it will go back in."

I told her she didn't have to do that because it had holes already in it. I left the sink to see what she was talking about.

She stood, pushing the page down onto the binder rings to make holes. She said, "They're on the wrong side and I have to to put them back in."

I started laughing and walked over. "Sweetie, you just have to turn the page over and the holes are right there."

She gave a gasp and shook her head, "You should have taken a video of me, Mawmaw."

I lost it then.

Thursday, October 10, 2013

Courtesy, Caution, & Congress

Don't we all hate the morning drive? I mean, a lot people who have just rolled out of bed 20 minutes before are not the kind of people you want to see at 7:30 a.m., behind the wheel of a deadly weapon. . . I mean car. And people who are going to or just got off a job they hate are also not the kind of people you want roll with on the expressway.

I live in a town that, in the last 25 years, has expanded much faster than the mentality of town. I don't mean that in a negative way. It is one of the things I like about it. A mid-sized town with a small town flavor. The problem is not in the front yards, or shops, or restaurants. It is on the Expressway. Resident drivers in this town still think this is a small town and they must drive just as they have all their lives... and as their grandparents drove - before expressways and interstates arrived.

I'm a small town girl. I grew up in rural Alabama. At 13 I learned to drive in a potato field, on the access roads that were rutted, pot-holed, and dusty on hot summer days, and muddy on rainy ones. The joke was that if you learn to drive in those conditions, you can handle a lot of less bumpy ones. And learning in that field won't result in fatalities... well not to people. There were those times I got stuck in a mud hole and had to walk home to get Daddy to come pull me out. But that's another post.

I've traveled extensively as a military dependant. I also learned to drive on the interstates around Atlanta, Georgia; Montgomery, Alabama; and Birmingham, Alabama. So driving in strange places isn't unusual for me. When I say the potato field is not Atlanta, Georgia you must believe me. Potatoes fields are nothing like driving in Atlanta.

During my drive to work today, I decided to discus big city driving and the use of courtesy, caution, and congress. Now, I know you're thinking, "Oh Lord, another political rant" but that isn't the case at all. Bear with me.

First, courtesy is a must. You don't have to smile, or wave, or even like the other drivers but if you expect to receive courtesy, you have to give it. Be nice, people. You could smile. Pretend for the length of the drive that you're a happy driver. The give and take of courtesy is worth the effort you'll expend. When you get home you can kick your dog. I hope he bites you.

There are many ways to get from point A to point B; generally, a straight line is considered the best and most efficient. But the people who created interstates and expressways didn't excel at basic geometry so such highways are not laid out according to this rule. One must follow the flow of hundreds of speeding bullets, some weighing thousands of pounds and loaded with cargoes that shift violently in the event of a sudden stop. You must navigate these pathways smoothly and without hesitation. Where I live, this would be a miracle.

So, caution is vital when driving on busy interstates and expressways. Knowing how to navigate the merging traffic on these roads is tricky and the secret is - you have to KEEP MOVING. You can't stop in the middle of the lane waiting for your shot. If you stop, it creates a nightmare behind you for the next driver(s), who probably knows how to drive on such roadways. It also creates a nightmare and potentially disastrous accident to everyone else.

Here is an example. Driver A wants to merge into the flow of traffic. First, DO NOT STOP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE EXPRESSWAY OR THE ON/OFF RAMP. This is stupid. No... this is lunacy. Merge means to join the flow of traffic in a safe and efficient way. You actually should be speeding up to get into the traffic that is flying by you. And for the love of God and Country, turn on your blinkin' blinker. That's why they put them in a vehicle as standard equipment. It is a sign!

Please remember, that traffic coming in from a merging lane has the right of way. If you're in the right lane you should merge into the left to allow ease of access to that traffic. This never happens and this is what starts a vicious cycle.

Consider. Driver A is in a lane merging into the flow of traffic. He has reach an indecisive state. Driver B is approaching Driver A's at around 55 mph. This is very fast when you're sitting still. She is watching the merging traffic because she wants to to get off at this exit while allowing them to merge. She sees A and is looking for a blinker to tell her where A going. Ah, no blinker. They're not getting on here. Are they going to continue in that lane and drive off into the trees or buildings?  Or, are they taking the secondary road that also exits here? No, wait, they're going to just sit there, dead in the lane, creating a backlog of fifty vehicles waiting for them to figure out where they are and if they actually want to drive today. Driver B begins to pray, swear, and scream, "GET OUT OF THE WAY, YOU MORON!"

The traffic behind Driver B begins to pray and swear, and scream at her as she is forced to a halt in high speed traffic. Racing vehicles hit their brakes as they realize Driver B is stopped. Oncoming cars swerve around her, nearly slamming into the side of big rigs who also swerve. It can become a scene straight out of the Keystone Cops movies of the 30's, or Final Destination 2.

Let me say here that all religions are likely to fail at this point unless you are a Pentecostal, at which point you begin to rebuke the devil for trying to kill you. We may even close our eyes and begin to pray for an outpouring of the Holy Ghost on us and God's wrath on you. This is usually ineffective, by the way, and God views it as a fail. My advice is, keep your eyes open and pray for a parting of the traffic. I find this often works.

We now come to the most important aspect of driving on American highways - congress. This is not a body of elected officials who are trying to work for the good of the American people. No such body exist. What we are talking about here is a more primitive meaning: coming together. Long ago, the word was used to describe an intimate relationship, basically, sexual intercourse, and the United States Congress still practices screwing the American people. However, for our driving lesson, we're using a much nicer version of the word. It means "a formal meeting to make decisions". Something unheard of in American politics since the Revolution.

Driver A and Driver B both need to make decisions. Driver A has caused enormous problems by his decision to stop in a lane intended to move things along by merging moving vehicles into a much bigger, faster moving lane of traffic. He also has failed to use his blinker to signal his intent, probably because he doesn't really know what he intends or that the car contains such a device.  Driver B has been forced to comply with Driver A's negotiating skills and things have devolved to the same state as our country. Everything has come to a screeching halt. Except for the people around them. As you may have discerned by now, in both government and traffic, this is not good.

What is required here is the two parties must work together without saying a single word to one another, must come to a mutual agreement on where they are going and how they get there. This borders on the miraculous. This is where congress comes in.

Decisions must be made in quickly and whatever else you do, you can't afford to stop. If anything, Driver A should apply acceleration, turn on the blinker, and MERGE. Believe me, the scenario between Driver A  and B proves that all other traffic, upon seeing a hurtling object headed their way, will generally move out of the way when possible.

Really, it comes down to dollars and cents. How much damage are you willing to incur to hold your position? Totalled vehicle? Astronomical medical bills? Funeral expenses? It isn't hard for me. Merging traffic has the right of way and I no longer stop for anyone. Move on, move over, or get off the road.

Too bad Congress hasn't figure this out.

Sunday, October 6, 2013

The Sovereignty of God

Because I missed church his morning I decided to get back to a book of Bible studies my aunt gave me. I've started it a couple of times. I never get beyond a couple of pages before something would happen to distract me and I'd never get back to it.Today, I actually got to the fourth day's lesson. They're short lessons and I could have finished the whole thing but as usual something else got in the way. But I think it was a good thing.

The study is called Women of the Bible. The first lesson is about Eve. I found it really interesting but about half way into the second part, I noticed that I was getting something important and I figured I better get a pen and paper. Anytime this happens, I know to just let the writing flow and see what comes out of the pen. My notes initially are brief.

Defining God's purpose for Mankind, Creation, and Eve. The second chapter of Genesis clearly define it in three verses. 

God's Purpose for Mankind: be in God's image
2. to be fruitful and multiply
3 to have dominion over the earth and subdue it

God's Purpose for Creation:
1. To serve mankind
2. To provide sustenance for all life

God's Purpose for Eve:
1. Companionship - to combat loneliness and isolation
2. to share the burdens of life and help in the work of life

At this point I noted an interesting idea that never occurred to me but which I found critical in my own mind. God presented Eve to Adam. She didn't introduce herself. Adam didn't go looking for her. And they didn't need a dating site. God created her and respectfully introduced her to Adam who immediately fell in love with God's choice for him. He trusted God knew this person. Eve must have trusted that God would not introduce her to anyone that would treat her badly. They did nothing to find one another. God did it all. A match made in Heaven, indeed. 

I'm aware that you internet dating type will consider this erroneous and point out that God didn't have internet and the difficulties of a huge population of losers. This is true. That's why trusting God is more important than ever. Moving on.....

At this point in my study something changed. I became aware of another aspect to the story. Eve is more than just the story of the fall. It is the start to a battle that has never ended. Temptation rears it's ugly head and Adam and Eve end up homeless. Sounds like a plot for a really good NaNo novel. I won't use it this time but let me share what I learned.

As I wrote, I remembered the time in my life when I had my own conflict over God's sovereignty. 

The serpent was the most cunning creature on the planet. Once taken over by Lucifer he was literally the most intelligent being on the planet. He was and still is able to twist truth and create confusion with an unmatched finesse. He corrupts the mind and confuses thought. He transformed himself in the garden and based on both old and new testaments he has transformed himself as each age required. As knowledge of man increases, Satan must further transform himself into images that are easily acceptable to humans. 

Why? Because humans have an intrinsic ability to find God and an innate desire to do so. Their initial state was to walk with him every day. Buried deep in our psyche is the desire, no, the craving to return to that state. To walk with the Creator in the cool of the day is the ultimate human longing. Satan must constantly alter his tactics to overcome changing cultures and intellects to keep ahead of man's constant search for meaning, which is actually the search for God. Satan's ultimate goal is misdirection to alter man's course. He does this by challenging God's word on intellectual levels. If he can capture our minds, he can capture our souls.

Man is incapable of understanding the mind of God in its full scope. Satan plays on this by using our own intellect as a measure of God's. We are incapable of comprehending how much we don't know and therefore, we can't possibly be a valid measure of God's intelligence.

He creates doubt in what we hear and know. "Did God really say, "You must not eat from any tree in the garden?" Then, he restates the truth with minute changed to alter its meaning. "You will not certainly die."

Our vanity does the rest, convincing us "we've become as God". We open the door to false information, altered data & outright lies to be inserted into the mind. And we allow someone else to interpret it and tell us that what we heard is not what was meant or that it is a fallacy, or even that we didn't hear it at all. Satan uses misdirection, rephrasing God's statements. Eve was easily duped. Within moments he caused her to think differently about God and his instructions. 

He has caused her to:
1. Doubt God's word
2. Doubt God's motives
3. Suggested that God is keeping good things from her. (By following her God she was actually hurting herself and missing out on something. The suggestion is that everything she needs she can find in herself.)

He never touches her but he immediately altered her thinking. Eve is no longer in control of her thoughts but is listening to a stranger rather than the being that she has been walking and talking with all her life. She never questions what the serpent is saying. She embraced it. 

Once we began to question God's sovereignty and power we are already at risk. Only a strong faith, secure grounding in the Word, and an ability to recognize these deceptions will sustain us. You almost have to be versed in the tactics of a CIA agent to navigate the maze that Satan creates.

The more we measure God by our own intellect, the more our minds will become susceptible to false information. Again, constant vigilance and grounding in the Word and persistent prayer for light and truth is the only defense. These are more powerful than any deception. I can't emphasize enough the need for light and truth. If you pray for nothing else, pray for spiritual light and all truth. 

At all times, even in the most doubt-filled, confused mind one must continue to acknowledge God as sovereign and holy. Regardless of any arguments that come to mind from any source. This must be the paramount response. God is Sovereign. God is Holy. To accept anything other than God's sovereignty will close the trap. We will be forced to chose. There is no middle of the road. Either God is God or he is not. Once we put our own or another's intellect above God's we will be assailed with doubt, confusion, and conflict. 

This internal conflict is the actual battle for the soul. In essence the soul is being ripped apart. When we make any attempt to reconcile our faith and re-install God as King and Priest the conflict will be physically felt. There's a war going on and it hurts.

Once we being to worship our intelligence, the trend it to drift further from God and His Word. The trend will be to accept the wisdom of the world over the wisdom of God. When intellect is brought into subjection, the trend is reversed and the soul is brought back to center. The conflict eases, but may never be resolved. These forces, once they've made inroads, will always be waiting to storm the gates. Anytime anything usurps God as sovereign we can't remain stable. This is the sin of Lucifer. He brought division and imbalance to the universe. The only thing that can give him peace is the total obliteration of any knowledge of God. 

Make no mistake, intellectual study is not a sin. We must be educated and we must examine things with which we do not agree. But we can't fear the things that challenge our faith. We also can't defend ourselves by running away. But we must never, ever put anything above God's sovereignty and his Word. In all things we must acknowledge God as King and Lord. 

Friday, October 4, 2013

Lost & Found

Last night I pulled out my pill minder and poured my Thursday night pills in to my palm. I do this every night, refilling the minder once a week. I have a method to this. I take the numerous supplements and the five prescriptions I have and I sit down with the minder. I take all the lids off and one by one, bottle by bottle, and I put the pills in their appropriate day and time - morning, evening, and bed. I recap each bottle, put it in the storage box I use. Cap all the minder slots and put it back in my nightstand drawer.

The pills last night were the last for this week. Meaning, I refilled it last Thursday. As I poured out the pills, something fell into my hand. I looked and screamed, not once but several times. My blue topaz ring lay on my palm. I'm surprised that I didn't drop the pills but apparently, I don't do stupid things all the time. I put them in the small dish I use so I can take them one at a time. My lost ring was found.

I was beside myself, both overjoyed and confused. How was that possible? I have a method to putting the pills in the minder.  I'm left handed so I hold the bottle in my right hand, pour out pills into my left hand, switch them to my right hand, and then, with my left hand put a pill in the tiny boxes with my left. I have to be careful because I've put double doses in at times. Some of the pills are similar. You don't want to take a double dose of those because they cause blindness. So, I'm careful.

I tell you this because I wear the blue ring on my right hand. I have no idea how it could possible get into the pill minder. I would have had to take it off with my left hand and drop it into the Thursday bedtime slot. Why? It wasn't in a bottle. It was on my finger.

Alternatively, I could have held my hand over that slot and let the ring slide off my finger and into it, put the pills in, and then close the cap. Really?

Or, did I, at some point that night or the next, open the minder and drop the ring in and say, I'll just store my ring here for now? Why?

I have no idea. There is no logical scenario to account for the ring being just there. I'm only glad that it has returned. And I'm  thankful to all those friends who have been praying sincerely for its return.

Just before I took my pills I was drying off from my shower. It's been a rough week with negative things happening. In my frustration, I happened to say a prayer that included this statement. "Lord, my ring is gone and I'm heartbroken over it. I need you to help me accept that and help me get over it."

Moments, later my ring lay in my palm.

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Too Deep to Plumb

There are depths of despair that I would not wish anyone to ever plumb. I've been to depths I never thought it possible to descend and had I considered it, I'd have thought it impossible to return alive. And yet, I'm still here.

You think, during the grief process, that it will never end. In a sense, it never does. You do resurface but you don't ever really reach land. At least, I haven't. You learn to tread water. You must or you drown. You know what lies beneath and you never want to try that descent again. So, you just keep paddling. You get tired but you never stop.

I've gotten better in many ways at treading water. In fact, sometimes I can actually swim. There's no land in sight but I dare not stop.

This summer has been lighter, as if someone opened a window. The weather was beautiful for moths. Since June, I've felt better for much of that time. I was sick from a virus for the six month prior to that. I began walking in July, something I thought would be impossible with my joint problems and pain. I started with 10 minutes and managed to work up to half an hour in which I knock out a just over a mile and a half.

Last week, I messed up. On Wednesday I lost a ring that Jerry bought me when I graduated from college in 1995. It was a blue topaz in a filigree band. It was so pretty, not very expensive but just so lovely. It was $99 when he bought it. It was the most special gift he'd ever bought me. And I lost it. It fell off my hand. I can't figure out how it happened.

I'm pretty sure it was in CVS on First Ave. They won't let me put up a flyer offering a reward. I remember something falling near my foot but I was so distracted and tired I looked around and when I didn't see anything, I just moved on. It took four days to figure out what I'd done. Now, I've sunk to such dark depths and I can't figure out what to do.

It's just a ring. It means nothing to anyone but me. It has no intrinsic value other than the price of gold. You might be able to pawn it for $50. I'd pay twice that to get it back. But it has reopened a crevasse that has taken me years to escape. And as before, I can't do a thing about it. I can only struggle for the surface.  I want my ring back. I want to be able to sit and look at it and remember the day we bought it. I want to pass it to Sarah and watch her try it on, knowing it will be her's someday. I want to tell her the story of looking down in the jewelry case and picking it out and how it felt when he brought it home sized for me. I want to tell her why it is so special and hand it to her they way Jerry handed it to me.

I lost it. And the revelation I had was that life is just one series of losses after another. We're all losers most of the time. Winning at anything pales in comparison to what you have to lose. Ultimately, I think, what you lose is a reflection of who you really are, deep down. Had I lost the ring my mother bought me when I was 15 I'd have been sad. I wouldn't have been devastated. Had I lost even the necklace Jerry bought me for Christmas when we were dating, I would not have been so desolate. What I've lost is more than a simple ring. I've lost dreams. You can't replace that.

The depths to which they fall can't be plumbed.