Showing posts with label sarcasm. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sarcasm. Show all posts

Sunday, November 30, 2014

Why Selfies are Weird

I had to change one of my head shots tonight. I thought about taking a new one but I hate cell phone selfies. I don't know why but I can't bring myself to use a cell phone selfie on my blogs and other pages. I have used them but they're usually just terrible. Selfies are just...well, weird and there's no way I can say it any nicer.

They're everywhere, the people who take selfies. On street corners in Washington D.C. or Bangkok, China you will see them. They're easy to recognize. They're the ones standing at an odd angle, arms extended over their heads, making faces at the cell phone, which is held at an impossible angle and their heads canted awkwardly to get just the right look. Only it isn't.

I'm vain. I admit it. It is my biggest fault, aside from my tendency to tell the truth to unwilling victims listeners. No, my vanity is truly bad. I heard a joke once, long ago. A little girl asked her mother if it was vain of her to stand in front of the mirror and think about how pretty she was. The mother replied, "No, that's a delusion." No, I don't do that. I'm making a point. I'm vain.
Image courtesy of  stockimages
at FreeDigitalPhotos.net

It is my vanity that won't allow me to stand in public and contort my body and face just to take a photo that will look horrible. I mean it. It's just too tacky. But apparently, most people don't think so. I can only say, you should have someone else take a photo of you taking a selfie. It could change your life.

You may say that not all selfies are weird but I say name one. There are only a handful of types of selfies. They're very repetitive. The only thing that changes are the subjects and their various protuberances and apparel, which is another blog post entirely. Let's review.


1.  Duck lips: Really, does this need an explanation? I mean there have been videos, expose', slideshows, and blog post about how awful these look. But they keep making them! Did you really even look at those things before you put that up? Your mouth looks deformed and it isn't cute. No one, at least no one I ever knew, made that expression in real life. Seriously. When have you ever looked at your Mama and did that? Had you done so, she'd have slapped you silly. Rightfully so. Really, I don't think anyone but television hookers do that. Are you sure that's the image you're going for?

2. Close-up, really, really, really close up: Do you know how large your pores are? They look like a Florida sinkholes.--- What's those brown blotches on your face? Freckles? Really? --- Wow, I never realized how big your nose is. --- Gee, I never realized how many wrinkles you had! --- Oh......you had broccoli for lunch.

3. Downward angled shot: I took photography in college so I know that you can shave off age a bit by taking a photo from slightly above level. Overweight folks can slim their features a bit by looking up and using gravity. Older women can reduce the saggy neck in this manner and it does make a better photo. But good grief, you're 20. And a photo taken at an 130 degree angle makes it appear as if you're being attack by a vulture wearing a camera. He's probably after the duck.

4. Mirror,  Mirror: This has to be the golden fleece of all selfies. It often accompanies one or all of the above maneuvers. But think about this. Your head shot is an image of an image of you taking an image of yourself. Really. See, you had to think about that a second, didn't you. And that's weird. Then you add the duck lips.... down right freaky.

5. Location: Bathrooms seem to be the best (in someone's mind) location to take these cell phone selfies. Why? You should think about this. First, no one is looking at you. Take my word for it. They're looking at the room and comparing it to their own bath and thinking:  So, when did you clean that mirror last? Who is your decorator? You should fire them. Uh.... that outfit.... you've gained weight, right? Who's that peaking around the door?

I know there'll be some who think I'm wrong and that's o.k. You just keep doing what you're doing. It provides fodder for writers and comedians everywhere. I probably won't use it again but hey, it got me one post.

Now, I'm not an expert but here's some free advice for anyone planning on creating a new cell phone selfie head shot. First don't. They're horrible. Really horrible. Cell phone cameras are usually bad, I don't care how many mega pixels it has, they take terrible close ups and even worse if you have a flash. Unless you're going for the washed-out, demonic look.

Get a good camera, even computer webcams usually take better photos. Sit back from the camera. You can crop a photo if you want a lot of face in the shot but you can't reduce the same in a close up. If you must use a cell phone, do it outdoors, in good lighting.

Next, fix your hair, brush your teeth, put on something classy if clothes factor into the photo, and for heaven sake, don't poke your lips out. Try a smile. If that doesn't work for you, you can scowl. If you're really in a nasty mood you can snarl. If you want to look cool you can put the sunglasses on and keep your expression blank. Please try not to see if you can look at your own lips.

Use angles with restraint. Tilting the head too far over, looking too far up, looking too far down all do weird things to your face and probably don't help your spine. Experiment with slight angles. The beauty of digital is you can try multiple poses and examine multiple shots, then choose the best one. You can touch up the imperfections with photo software.

Oh, and one last thing. Get a real person to take your photo or get a tripod. Ditch the mirror. Really.

Thursday, October 10, 2013

Courtesy, Caution, & Congress

Don't we all hate the morning drive? I mean, a lot of people who have just rolled out of bed 20 minutes before are not the people you want to see at 7:30 a.m., behind the wheel of a deadly weapon. . . I mean car. And people who are going to or just got off a job they hate are also not the people you want to roll with on the expressway.

I live in a town that, in the last 25 years, has expanded much faster than the mentality of town. I don't mean that negatively. It is one of the things I like about it. A mid-sized town with a small town flavor. The problem is not in the front yards, or shops, or restaurants. It is on the Expressway. Resident drivers in this town still think this is a small town, and they must drive just as they have all their lives... and as their grandparents drove - before expressways and interstates arrived.

I'm a small-town girl. I grew up in rural Alabama. At 13 I learned to drive in a potato field, on the access roads that were rutted, pot-holed, and dusty on hot summer days, and muddy on rainy ones. The joke was that if you learn to drive in those conditions, you can handle a lot of less bumpy ones. And learning in that field won't result in fatalities... well, not to people. There were those times I got stuck in a mud hole and had to walk home to get Daddy to come pull me out. But that's another post.

I've traveled extensively as a military dependant. I also learned to drive on the interstates around Atlanta, Georgia; Montgomery, Alabama; and Birmingham, Alabama. So driving in strange places isn't unusual for me. When I say the potato field is not Atlanta, Georgia, you must believe me. Potatoes fields are nothing like driving in Atlanta.

During my drive to work today, I decided to discuss big city driving and the use of courtesy, caution, and congress. Now, I know you're thinking, "Oh Lord, another political rant" but that isn't the case at all. Bear with me.

First, courtesy is a must. You don't have to smile, or wave, or even like the other drivers, but if you expect to receive courtesy, you must give it. Be nice, people. You could smile. Pretend for the length of the drive that you're a happy driver. The give and take of courtesy is worth the effort you'll expend. When you get home, you can kick your dog. I hope he bites you.

There are many ways to get from point A to point B; generally, a straight line is the best and most efficient. But the people who created interstates and expressways didn't excel at basic geometry, so highways are not laid out according to this rule. One must follow the flow of hundreds of speeding bullets, some weighing thousands of pounds and loaded with cargoes that shift violently in the event of a sudden stop. You must navigate these pathways smoothly and without hesitation. Where I live, this would be a miracle.

So, caution is vital when driving on busy interstates and expressways. Knowing how to navigate the merging traffic on these roads is tricky, and the secret is - you have to KEEP MOVING. You can't stop in the middle of the lane waiting for your shot. If you stop, it creates a nightmare behind you for the next driver(s), who probably knows how to drive on such roadways. It also creates a nightmare and potentially disastrous accident to everyone else.

Here is an example. Driver A wants to merge into the flow of traffic. First, DO NOT STOP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE EXPRESSWAY OR THE ON/OFF RAMP. This is stupid. No... this is lunacy. Merge means to join the flow of traffic in a safe and efficient way. You actually should speed up to get into the traffic that is flying by you. And for the love of God and Country, turn on your blinkin' blinker. That's why they put them in a vehicle as standard equipment. It is a sign!

Please remember that traffic coming in from a merging lane has the right of way. If you're in the right lane, you should merge into the left to allow ease of access to that traffic. This never happens, and this starts a vicious cycle.

Consider. Driver A is in a lane merging into the flow of traffic. He has reached an indecisive state. Driver B is approaching Driver A's at around 55 mph. This is very fast when you're sitting still. She is watching the merging traffic because she wants to to get off at this exit while allowing them to merge. She sees A and is looking for a blinker to tell her where A going. Ah, no blinker. They're not getting on here. Are they going to continue in that lane and drive off into the trees or buildings?  Or are they taking the secondary road that also exits here? No, wait, they're going to just sit there, dead in the lane, creating a backlog of fifty vehicles waiting for them to figure out where they are and if they want to drive today. Driver B starts to pray, swear, and scream, "GET OUT OF THE WAY, YOU MORON!"

The traffic behind Driver B starts to pray and swear, and scream at her as she is forced to a halt in high speed traffic. Racing vehicles hit their brakes as they realize Driver B has stopped. Oncoming cars swerve around her, nearly slamming into the side of big rigs who also swerve. It can become a scene straight out of the Keystone Cops movies of the 30's, or Final Destination 2.

Let me say here that all religions are likely to fail at this point unless you are a Pentecostal, at which point you rebuke the devil for trying to kill you. We may even close our eyes and pray for an outpouring of the Holy Ghost on us and God's wrath on you. This is usually ineffective, by the way, and God views it as a fail. My advice is, keep your eyes open and pray for a parting of the traffic. I find this often works.

We now come to the most important aspect of driving on American highways - congress. This is not a body of elected officials who are trying to work for the good of the American people. No such body exists. What we are talking about here is a more primitive meaning: coming together. Long ago, the word was used to describe an intimate relationship, basically sexual intercourse, and the United States Congress still practices screwing the American people. However, for our driving lesson, we're using a much nicer version of the word. It means "a formal meeting to make decisions". Something unheard of in American politics since the Revolution.

Driver A and Driver B both need to make decisions. Driver A has caused enormous problems by his decision to stop in a lane intended to move things along by merging moving vehicles into a much bigger, faster moving lane of traffic. He also has failed to use his blinker to signal his intent, probably because he doesn't really know what he intends or that the car contains such a device.  Driver B has been forced to comply with Driver A's negotiating skills and things have devolved to the same state as our country. Everything has come to a screeching halt. Except for the surrounding people. As you may have discerned by now, in both government and traffic, this is not good.

What is required here is the two parties must work together without saying a single word to one another, must come to a mutual agreement on where they are going and how they get there. This borders on the miraculous. This is where congress comes in.

Decisions must be made in quickly and whatever else you do, you can't afford to stop. If anything, Driver A should apply acceleration, turn on the blinker, and MERGE. Believe me, the scenario between Driver A and B proves that all other traffic, upon seeing a hurtling object headed their way, will usually move out of the way when possible.

Really, it comes down to dollars and cents. How much damage are you willing to incur to hold your position? Totalled vehicle? Astronomical medical bills? Funeral expenses? It isn't hard for me. Merging traffic has the right of way and I no longer stop for anyone. Move on, move over, or get off the road.

Too bad Congress hasn't figure this out.