Sunday, April 18, 2010

Time Killer

1. Cindy
2. Cynthia
4. Mawmaw
6. Bitch (close personal friends only...)

1. sleeveless cotton knit top
2. leggings

1. to write Simon's story
2. not to feel this constant hollow feeling
3. Jerry to come home

1. Roselyn
2. Jilly
3. Cass

1. had burgers with my kids
2.rocked and kissed Sarah while she slept.
3. watched two television show

1. Mike - son
2.My aunt
3. Becca - daughter-in-law

1. go to work
2. work on packing
3. get Mike to the audiologist

1. diet coke
2. iced tea
3. Hot cocoa

1. The little blond girl in church who is Sarah's age showing me her small red Gideon bible. "It has the all the Word in it."
2. Her little blond brother who always smiles at me with such sparkling eyes. He reminds me of two other little blond boys I knew once.
3. My pastor, he is just such an awesome man with a heart for God.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Sun, Sand and Sarah

I'm sitting beneath that red umbrella listening to the wind chimes I bought and Sarah playing in the sand box. It is a lovely day but a bit chilly for my taste. I had looked forward to short sleeves, sandals and relaxing in the sun. I got the sun. I'm wearing short sleeves. . . beneath a jacket made out of the same stuff sweatsuits are made of. I have on sandals but I had to put hose on to keep my legs warm.

I have been writing a tiny bit. I'm very dissatisfied with it all. I've got off track. We talked about it in the writers' meeting but honestly, I didn't want to hear it. But it is true. I'm not writing the story I set out to write. I have to back track a bit. Maybe do what Doug suggested and write something that can be inserted where the problem starts.... LOL at the beginning?

Dave and Becca have gone to get my lawnmower and I hope they can get it in their trunk. It is a big ole thing. But it didn't cost to get the repair done. I'm glad.I already spent too much on that truck tale. I have to get the yard cut today and then, I won't have to do anything else but finish up in the house.

I hate packing. I don't know what I need to take. I only have one bag and my carry on luggage. I'm going to carry two of those, one for the laptop and one for other items. Both will fit under the seat or in the overhead. I suspect the flight will be booked. After reading all about the problem in Europe with flights being grounded all over, I'm a bit glad this wasn't my trip to England! I want to visit but I don't know what I'd do if I got stranded like that. My poor friends would have an American house guest longer than anticipated. Of course there are several of them. Suppose I could make the rounds like a poor relation. LOL! Me with my luggage wheeling around England because the planes won't fly? OMG....

I started this around 3 this afternoon and Dave got back with my mower. So, we came in and he did yard work for me. I read stories, listened to Sarah tell knock-knock jokes. She's so funny. She laughs at her own jokes! I talked to Becca. My sister stopped by and we talked and watched Sarah. She took Sarah for a walk too. Sarah then took a nap. Mike was over to do laundry all day.

We did go to the restaurant, by the way. I have videos and photos of today's events. They will be posted shortly.

Before they left we had hamburgers. Sarah was sitting on the sofa eating a fry. She looks at me and says, "I had a good time today." We all laughed. She's 3 1/2 for heavens sake!

Friday, April 16, 2010

Which Way From Here?

It has been a very rough week, all things considered. I've been stressed at work, stressed by medical issues, and stressed by my life in general. I had brief breaks of calm in there.

Tuesday night with pizza and Dave, Becca and Sarah after that horrible day at the clinic. Saving the day for Ms Sarah Cheyenne is always a pleasure no matter what day it is. Wednesday picnic, a nice peaceful hour with a friend from writing group, Kathy. She's funny and interesting to talk to.

Wednesday night my writing group saved my day by just being themselves. I do not know where they all came from but no one can possibly ever know the anchor these five people have been in my life for almost 9 months. It is like drowning and knowing that just a short distance away is this island you can rest on before getting tossed back into the drink. You struggle to stay afloat until you circle back to that small stretch of sand again.

Today is Friday and I have to go home tonight and start cleaning house and packing. I won't have a lot of time after Sunday. I work M-W and Thursday morning I have to be at the airport at 5 a.m.

Last night was my first night with no company all week. I thought I was ready for that. I didn't want company. I went home and got in a sloppy pair of pajama shorts and a t-shirt and did nothing productive... watched a t.v. show and then simply was overwhelmed by the whole week of confusion and the loneliness of decisions that I am used to having help to make, the feeling of being stupid because I can't do it.

I guess since my blog is the place I'm honest with myself, I have to just come out and say the words I never say to anyone. I'm afraid of everything. There is nothing that I do anymore that I'm not afraid of. The simplest things are frightening. I forget my medicine and I just go nuts. Did I? Did I not? When I take a trip. . . what about this, what about that, what if this, what if that. If I look around and see all the stuff that needs doing. Everything is terrifying. It is like being in a foreign country where you don't speak even a little of the language and you're lost. You try and pretend you know what your doing but inside you're rigid with this overwhelming terror. Been there, so I know.

I think the worst moments are when I think, however briefly, "I'll have to ask Jerry about that." It's kind of like being slapped. I didn't by any scope of the imagination rely on my husband to make every decision for our family. But for over 30 years I relied on him to make certain decisions, do certain things while I managed others. It was a partnership and we worked well together. In the last five, more and more and more was falling on me. And I was buckling under the weight for the last two years. You think you're stronger than you really are, at least, I did. And then comes the point at which all the supports are removed and you are under the house that just fell on you. There's no wiggle room. No way out.

So you go to sleep afraid. You wake up afraid. You muddle through your day afraid. You push back as long as you can but it gets tiring. You get so tired. And you don't know what is real.

Nothing I believed before January 29, 2009 remains. Someone changed everything, all the rules, all the questions. Now, I don't know the answers. And that's frightening, too. Because I always have.

I do not speak the language of this land. I don't have a map for this country.

Monday, April 12, 2010

Welcome to My World

I have to relate the events of my Saturday. I was so busy over the weekend that I had not had time to get on and blog about what was going on. You can see from the previous post that Sunday was hectic. Well, Saturday was no less. Monday... don't ask.

Saturday I got up early and did a few things but I had to go get Mike and rent a U-Haul truck to go get Sarah's swing. We picked the truck up around noon, bought her swing and worked the rest of the afternoon putting it up. We have a sandbox with new sand and a swing that still needs it's slide. Becca and I worked until it was too dark to see and said the slide could wait until David was home Tuesday. Sarah was getting tired and irritable and so were we. It is a nice little swing.

I thought I'd have the truck back to U-Haul by that point but I told Mike we'd get that old mattress out of his place and to a dumpster while we had it and then take the truck back. It was nearly 9 pm by then. We put the box the swing came in in the bed of the truck would dump them, too. He went to his house to get the mattress. Becca and I sat around at my house and then I took them home after about 30 minutes. The dumpster was at her place and so I waited there for Mike to bring the truck. It was convenient because the rental place was three blocks from where Becca lives.

I waited. And waited. And waited. I got tic'd. Mike has a habit of joy riding. He loves to drive and doesn't own a car now. He takes the long way around all the time. And he's not a careful driver. My mind was playing lots of games with me. I was exhausted and it was nearly 10 pm. I told her I was going home and when he got there he was to get to my house asap because I was furious with him.

I left and went down Hwy 41, a four lane, since that is the road he'd come to her house on. I figured if I saw him I just turn around and go back. It was an inconvenience to have to make another trip from my house. I had almost reached the crossroad when Becca called to tell me that Mike had called. She said he had a fish tale. Actually, she said he has wonky story about the mattress catching fire in the back of the truck. He was on the Expressway and the fire department was there. She, as well as I, didn't buy it. She gave me the number he called from and hung up saying, "Sounded like a lot of people in the background."

I called and asked for Mike. The woman who answered laughed and said, "Oh yes, we called the fire department from my phone. Hang on."

He said the mattress had caught fire in the truck. There was more but I couldn't make sense of it. I finally asked, "Where are you!?" He told me. It was just a short job from where I was by then. I could see the fire truck from where I was waiting to get on the expressway. I had to go down, and turn around and come back as he was on the opposite side.

Here's the break down. He got the mattress and put it in the back of the truck on top of the box the swing came in. This box, top and bottom were built like coffins... I could have lain down in either and still have room to put my knees up. Then he headed to where I was waiting. But the mattress blew off somewhere on the expressway. When he realized it he had to turn around and go look for it. He said he had to go around twice before he located it near the on ramp. He got there, and said the whole of one side was gone and he thought it felt warm but it wasn't on fire. He tossed it in the back of the truck and headed out again. The next thing he knew there were flames in the back of the truck. He went across three lanes of traffic, to the emergency lane, got out and pulled the now blazing mattress out on to the pavement.

The fire department was there when I pulled up to find a sodden mass of what was left of cotton batting, a twisted pile of metal coils and two partially consumed cardboard boxes. I did ask if they had ever heard of anything so crazy. One said, "Ma'am, we've heard everything."

I asked what had happened and they couldn't tell me. They posited a few ideas. A cigarette tossed on the road that the mattress landed on. I was amazed at the high level of coincidence that required and didn't buy it at all. Mike doesn't smoke either. The mattress has lain in his apartment about a month waiting to be carted off to the trash. It defied reason.

They shoveled the remains into the back of the truck and we went to dump it. I thought about it and the only thing I can really believe is that when it struck the pavement, the metal inner spring generated sparks that embedded into the cotton batting and were smoldering. He said the whole back of the bedding was gone when he flipped it over but he didn't think anything about it. He tossed it in the truck and took off. At that point, smoldering sparks got a massive dose of air, something fire must have to ignite and burn. The mattress exploded into flames.

Just my guess.

I had told one of the firemen that Mike was just bringing the thing to my house to for the trash pick up. He smiled and said, "Now you don't have to worry about it."

This is a typical day in my life, folks. I swear to you with my hand up.

Sunny Monday, with a Cherry on Top

The day dawned with beautiful sunshine! Birds were chirping like mad. There was a chill in the air I had to turn on the heat for a bit. I had turned off it over the weekend, even had to turn on some air at one point because the house had become chilly as the sun went down. I'm sure it will warm up in a few hours.My shoulder and knees were the only thing troubling me but that shoulder is the biggest problem.

We went to church yesterday, well Mike and I did in the morning. Becca was sick and Dave had to work. But we all went Sunday night. We had a visiting minster, Chris Leach. He's probably in his 30's, so a young man. He's been ministered in our church a couple of times since Jerry died. It is always an extraordinary service. He's a really good preacher and we almost always have a packed house when he's there. I did not get to go on Saturday night but I am glad I went yesterday. If any of you are familiar with prophetic ministers you will know what I mean when I say that he has a prophetic ministry. This means that during a service he goes directly to a person and speaks to them things God had given him specifically for that person and then he prayers whatever prayer is necessary for their life. A couple of weeks ago we had a different minister who also has a ministry similar to this. They usually preach and then turn the last of the service over to a healing ministry. We've had a few others over the years but it is a rare gift they possess. When I was a child you saw it frequently.

I always stand in awe at the move of God during these services. People get healed both spiritually and physically. We usually have a lot of visitors and to watch their faces when told things no one can know is both amusing and a joy. It is as if they suddenly realize that all their troubles are not theirs alone and that God was listening. I've never seen a single person who did not break into tears when these men revealed something to them. The people who are first time visitors have the most powerful reaction because they know no one there!

I said David was able to go last night and to the one a few weeks ago. For David it has been a profound experience. As his mother, there were things he was told that no one knew but Becca and I. We looked at one another and laughed when this man told David to stop worrying about his finances and that he had a dream of opening his own business and God was going to help him. That has never been discussed in our family but David had told me once a long time ago he'd like to have his own business.

Becca and I laughed again when he said, "Stop worrying about your weight. God's going to help you lose weight. It is going to fall off so fast you'll wonder where it went!"

No one knew he was wanting to lose weight but the three of us. David had not been to church in months, maybe a couple of times since his dad died over a year ago. And not to my church most of those times. The minister who visited us a month ago told him God was going to heal the problem with his feet! Dave has flat feet and has always had problems with them hurting. We've never talked about it because, well, his feet have always been flat. It just was. But that night, David had actual sores on his feet. When the minister said this to him, I looked at Becca and said, "What's wrong with David's feet?" She said he had sores on them from standing so much. He's been coming home from work in agony with them. He sits and cries because they hurt so much." I was shocked, first because I didn't know how bad it was and second because there was no way that man could know that. That was last month. He says his feet don't bother him.

I can only say the effect on David has been wonderful. He's hopeful. He's excited again about what God will do for him. He's looking forward to his life. Please do not tell me these are snake oil salesmen. I know better.

Did I get prayer? Yes. Actually, he prayed for me twice. Once yesterday morning. On Sunday morning during a part of the service where everyone was praying, he walked over, put his hand on my head, and just prayed a short simple prayer for me. But last night I was sitting on the pew watching him minister to other people and he pointed to me and said, "Come up here please, I want to pray for you."

You who have read my blog can be the judge. Remember, I've only see this man twice before and never had conversations with him.
He comes into the service during the worship phase and leaves the service as soon as he stops preaching. He isn't from my state. This is what he said to me.

"You love God. You cherish God. I'm going to pray for you to get your joy back. God is going to deliver you from" - he paused here and studied me and I wish I could describe his face, what I saw in his eyes but I can't. I don't know what he was seeing but it was painful - "whatever this thing is that has taken your joy. God is telling me that he is going to break the chains that are holding back your joy. This chain comes from something in the past, do you understand that?" I only nodded. "God's going to break this chain and restore the joy of the Lord to you. He drew a wave pattern in the air and said, "You're like a roller coaster. You always have to work so hard to get up there" he pointed to the peak. "but when you come down you come down so fast and you have to climb back up and it is hard for you because your mind opens and it just all floods in on you. But God is going to deliver you tonight and your joy is going to return." Then he prayed for me.

Saturday, April 10, 2010


Well, I think I've finally found Simon's last name. Simon Lancaster. Not sure but it keeps coming up. So. . . Lancaster it is. As he's apparently British... I suppose it is fitting. I have a peripheral knowledge of the name... something about roses and a 100 years war. {shakes head} I was AMERICAN history. But I did study other history. I suppose this means I have to research it but that always leads to rabbit trails that lead everywhere but the direction I'm going. I will trust my wonderful Brit contacts to give me any interesting or pertinent details. Might make an interesting blog post. The sex in novels did.

I've got several other names as well. Quinn McKinley, Simon's old "friend". Hugh Hamilton, a person involved in the Horus Corporation who is apparently in charge of something important. Incidentally, this Quinn character is trying to talk. Got to shut him up since he's not my focus at this point. But an interesting development. Soon as I said his name he said, "Yes?" LOL.

If there is a female character I think her first name is Madison. That's isn't decided definitely yet but Snowgoon offered it one morning online and it rang a bell. Filed for the moment with no last name.

So, some things coming to light. I'm please to finally get some names! It is very difficult to try and write about someone with no name.

I'm off now. I've got to do some running and then get back to the writing.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Brrrr, Hand Me A Sweater

It wasn't chilly when I went to lunch but as soon as I walked out the wind had a distinct chill to it. The temp show online says 70 but it doesn't feel like 70. And it is, once again gloomy. But I'm thankful for the last week of sun. Maybe this will blow through quickly and sun will return.

I'm at work, about to start on late letters. I would rather be home. I'm supposed to go to the Y tonight but honestly, I'll like a night of nothing... just sitting watching television, reading or writing and not bothering with anything else. I'm a bit tired and my neck is achy. Although, I must say it is still better than it was a week ago. I think the Valtoren may be helping.

The Writers' Asylum meets next Wednesday and I'm up. I have to get busy. I've got 10 pages of my story. I'm not thrilled with it but it could be worse. I've got to get at least 10 more for critique. Amazing how changing the dynamic and momentum of the story has slowed down my progress. But I think I'll be fine. I have a good feeling about it and I realize I've been gaining more confidence about the writing in the last year. Probably due in part to the writing group.

Ok, time for work. Hope your day is brighter and warmer than mine. I will be home later and maybe I'll pop back in.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

The Season of PicNic

I watched the sun come up. It looks like the day might be pretty. I hope it does, even though I can't spend the whole day in it. Kathy, from Writers' Asylum, and I are supposed to have a picnic in the park if the weather holds. That will be nice. I like Kathy. She one of those naturally funny people. Everything she says has a twist of humor to it. So it should be a nice visit

I'm on my way to work. Went to the Y last night and came home, my head was no worse but it was no better either. I took a pill. Oddly enough, it made me ill. I felt very dizzy and sick to my stomach. I was a little concerned but since there was nothing to do about it and no one here I simply went to bed and hoped nothing would happen. This brand is different from the one I usually got and they look smaller but the dosage is the same. I have had reactions to the medication in the past but very mild. This was not what I'd term mild. Dave had been over for a short while for me to fax something for him but he had just left when I got all weird.

I woke up around 5:30 and took a bathroom trip. I went back to bed and dozed until nearly seven. Now, I'm contemplating breakfast. Probably be my usual of OJ and a breakfast burrito from McDonald's. Actually when fresh that is really delicious - eggs, sausage, peppers and cheese in a flour tortilla. I've been tempted to try to make them homemade. Lot of work though.

Pain in my shoulder this morning. The areas I put the Valtoren on do feel better after a bit. My knee was hurting last night in the pool. That jumping is just not something I can do even in water. My neck doesn't have as much pain. But that trapezoid muscle just hurts constantly and when I put on a bra, it just build up worse and worse. So... not sure what I can do about it. I put the cream on that too but it has no impact on it. Seems to just work on bony areas. I had the script filled yesterday. That stuff, one very large tube, $30. I'm guessing that is the normal price since my copay is usually between $20 and $40.

I'm off now. Grumpy is waiting at the door and he's not a morning person.

Monday, April 5, 2010


It isn't a good morning. I had some good time to relax physically, more of the weekend passed with unbearable thoughts as I sorted through items I should have left another year. But the den is at least passable now and I can sit at the table and look outside. I had a bad episode last night triggered by trying to remember if I took my meds or not. I took them late and they was afraid I'd already taken them and couldn't remember. This has happened more than once. And yes, I have a pill minder. Have for a while. But I've even taken the morning dose at night so, it doesn't seem to be as useful as I thought it would. Yesterday was just the culmination of a long weekend.

This morning, I don't have a lot of pain but my neck is hurting a bit. Wasn't when I got up I don't think. I put the cream on it. We'll see. Seems to work some but not totally.

Near as I can tell, I am having a migraine probably every day. I think the neck aggravates it. I'm guessing based on the way I've been for the last for or five days. Is a front moving in? Haven't looked but will now. My guess is a low is passing over soon... in hours. Maybe it is just my life that is too stressful. I don't think I slept well either.

Work now.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

A Wise Old Bird

Last year I had the most trouble with pigeons (my aunt calls some of them doves). They wanted to roost in my awnings over the front door! Poop was all over the porch and steps and walkway. I hate pigeons and their cousins the doves. They are the nastiest creatures. They live in their own poop and the are continually pooping.

So, I hear owls help. I went an bought one. Here he is on my front steps.

His head will bob and turn in the wind and at the moment I have tilted it up where it is stable so he could get his photo taken. I really like my owl. Although when I first got him, he scared me to death several times when I came around the corner of the house and he was sitting there. I'd forget he was there. I have to move him around ever few days or the pigeons get complacent about him.

Isn't he a handsome fellow?

Resurrection Morning

This is the culmination of the Easter season. Christians celebrate this day in honor of the resurrection of Jesus. He lives. Millions will attend services somewhere today who have not attended church in months or even a year, since last Easter. It is sad really, to give the impression to the world that you have this faith in a risen savior but you can only manage to pay honor to him once a year. Were I a non-Christian I'd have to wonder exactly how much you really believe in that risen Lord.

I'm going to church this morning and this Easter is the second since my husband died.I do not remember last Easter. Still, I no longer view death as I once did. I'm more frightened than I was before I saw the eyes that no longer reflected love for me. And desperately hope for a chance to see them shining when I walk into a room.

For me resurrection has also taken on a new meaning. My husband loved God so much and he would have been so excited to be in church this morning. My guess is he would have had to work this evening. He'd have been so tired because he would have worked last night. But he'd be there. But perhaps, this morning he is somewhere, near the throne, not tired, not sick, happy, standing with the risen Savior celebrating in a style I can't begin to imagine.

I hope. That's the meaning of resurrection.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

First Results

I'm checking in to give you the early results of my experiment with the Valtoren on my neck. My neck feels almost normal. There is on spot where it has a slight pain but it could be from sitting in an awkward position for a little while. I've got some food in the oven and will go eat soon so I'll stretch a bit.

The only really painful place is the top of my shoulder, that rotator cuff area. Just a constant pain there.

More results later.

Saturday. . . meh

I woke to gray skies and a distinct chill. I have had the heat off for several days and actually had to turn on the air for one because working in the house got so stuffy! Today, the heat came back on. Don't need much, just enough to get it to 69F degrees in here. It is 55F outside right now and windy. So wind chill will make if feel colder.

I finished paying the bills. I hate paying bills and found a couple I'd forgotten. That makes it frustrating on a budget. I also did two statements for Feb and Mar.because I forgot to do Feb. As I recall there were some difficult days around the time the statement came out and I am not surprised I overlooked it. But I could have sworn. . . but I didn't. So, did two in two days. Not good either.

On that Feb one I was missing several entries in my check book and that always annoys me and scares me. Fortunately, I had put some money back and it was covered with no problem but in the past that was what caused all manner of stress for us. Jerry forgetting to put things in the register. That last six months we were overdrawn every month. I was going crazy with it. I knew then something was wrong but still never saw it right. Not until December did I get it fixed and I will never forget his face when I said, "We're going to be all right. If you will let me take care of it from now on we might even be able to take a nice vacation by the summer." He looked so relieved, as if a great weight was lifted and his face cleared of this. . . terrible expression I had not even noticed. He was dead in a month.

Ok, that's not good. I'm going now. It has been like this all weekend and I just can't do it right now. I've handled stuff that I've avoided handling for a year and it has been just terrible. But it has to be done and there is no one else. And I'm not done. There is still a lot to get sorted.

I'm a bit tired but actually the only thing hurting is my shoulder and a small pain in my neck. I put Valtoren on it last night to see if it helped. I'm putting more on in in a minute. I want to experiment with that. If the arthritis in my neck is the culprit for the pain, I do not know what the solution will be. That can't be fixed. I suddenly occurred to me after Lisa worked on it. I was tons better for two days and then this small pain in the back of my neck began. It was the first time I was not hurting so much I couldn't locate it. So, lab experiment over the weekend. If it is that, I'm guessing a couple of days of that cream may tell me for sure. If it doesn't hurt....

Have a great weekend. I was hoping to dye eggs today but everyone is in bed I guess. Life is short. It is passing by. I'm so glad I did not miss the times with my children growing up.. We got into so much stuff together. Parks, museums, camping, walking, riding bikes, playing games and getting out in the back yard or a playground. Sometimes I'd just take a book and let them play for hours. We took short drives to the country and explored trails and parks together. Just walking and laughing. The boys loved hiking in the woods with us, at least they seemed to do so. I would sit in my den and sew while they played outdoors where I could watch them. I had such good boys and I loved being with them. I guess I miss that too. It all ends somewhere, doesn't it.

Logging off now. Have a great weekend.

Friday, April 2, 2010

Afternoon Break

I've had to sit down and take a break. I put some cream, Valtoren, on my knees because one was really hurting. My doctor gave me samples to see if it helped with the arthritis pain I have. I don't know if it has or not. I've not used it every day, just when I have some pain. I can't really tell.

I also had to stop because I was having a major meltdown. I'm cleaning, as I mentioned somewhere earlier. In my den is a box of things taken from Jerry's drawers after he died. I have not sorted through them but once, a few months after his death. I quickly saw then that it was impossible. But today, I have to get that room cleared. I can't stand it a moment longer. I was going to have help but they never came. I began sorting through it and had to stop when I got dizzy because I hyperventilated. Once past that I tried again. I managed to get through the whole pile, most of which was all those receipts he kept. I didn't bother to see what they were for because I just don't care. But then there was this bag of medications, nearly a dozen bottles, all nearly full. The lables told me what each one was for and that just did me in. I have cleaned up all the stuff I was trashing and put it in the box to dispose of. The medicine I've put back in the bag. I don't feel comfortable putting that much medication in the trash or flushing it into the water supply.

I put all the little keepsakes, like the small knife he carried and a buck knife, and his watches. He had nearly a dozen! Some old and not working but one is nearly new and still running. I don't know what to do with them. The boys will never wear any of them.

I am going to find a keepsake box to put things in for Sarah. I found his baby blanket in a suitcase that Becca had borrowed. I loaned the blanket to her when Sarah was born. Jerry's mother gave it to me when Mike was born. It is all I have really from his childhood aside from two or three photos. They gave him nothing when she died. My sons have no shared keepsakes from his childhood. That is the kind of people his family were, selfish and greedy. He begged for photos of his grandparents and was never given anything. No photos of his parents either. But I do have his blanket and that will be stored for Sarah with her daddy's blanket and his dedication shawl I used for both boys. I had wanted Sarah dedicated with it but it didn't happen. Still she will have it and the memories and photos.

I wish I knew what I am going to do. I am simply moving through days with no meaning at all. I get up, do what has to be done, go to bed. I don't actually think of tomorrow much at all. I think about some things I would like to do but then, I get thoughts that upset me and I put it all out. I think, I'll have to do that alone; Oh, it would have been nice to have Jerry with me; Jerry would have liked to do that too; Jerry won't be able to go with me; Jerry would have laughed at that. It become this looming monster and so I just put the whole thing out of my head. If I'm doing something the enjoyment just evaporates, like cleaning the den so I can sit in there on nice days. I don't care now.

I'm not depressed. LOL, seriously, this isn't depression. This is grief. And it never goes away. You learn to avoid anything that brings emotions to the surface. You learn to not talk about certain things, not look at certain things, not think certain things. You avoid movies, music, books and conversations about certain things. You life becomes circumscribed to a routine of "safe" zones. You can go here but not HERE.

My aunt called me the last couple of days. Her first words one day was, I haven't had a heart attack. {ok, not the best way to start a conversation}. I know why she did it but it didn't help. She has some kind of spell and they sent her to the hospital and they ordered a stress test. She will get the results next Thursday I believe she said. She has asthma and this time of year is very bad for her. She says she's fine. Please pray for her. She's a healthy woman but she is 71 and tends to over do because she's always been healthy. Problem is, I really really really can't contemplate this. I really really really can't think about it. This is one of those place I cannot go.

I'm stopping since this is going nowhere fast. I'll drop by again later. I still have the den to deal with and a pile of paper in my study.

A Friday Like Saturday

It FEELS like Saturday. I have a lot I want to do today but don't know if I will get the help to do it. I'm going to start calling in few minutes to see if Mike will come over. It looks like summer out there today!

Woke up at 8 a.m. and checked to see if moving was a problem. It wasn't. Slight kink in my neck but I moved a pillow and released some strain on it. I had a terrible time with acid reflux last night. Thought I'd be sick for a bit. The OTC meds that have replaced the prescription do not work very good and I can't figure out a way to make it better. I took one prescription every other day and now, with the insurance not covering it, I can't get that dosage. I will have to go back to taking it every day. The pill I can get is half the dose I was taking and only last 12 hrs instead of 24. To buy it OTC will cost me twice as much as as my co-pays.

I think I'd like to go sit outside but it is still a bit cool.I'm going to do my bank statement.. the second one I forgot to do. Get the bills in order and see what's left. Then, if I have enough in my savings, I'm going to find Sarah a swing. I've been planning it for a while so we'll see.

I'm going now. Too much to do. I'll pop in off and on probably. I usually do. Multiply is one of my home pages so it opens when I am online. Have a great day everyone.

Thursday, April 1, 2010

Thursday, My Friday

Yes, today is MY Friday. It is a beautiful day and I woke up with virtually no neck pain today. Unless you have this chronic pain in your neck and shoulders, you can't imagine how that feels.That knot in the trapezoid is burning but that's manageable at the moment. If I'm careful, I might get through the next couple of days with minimal pain in my neck.

I am wading through the piles of paper that just keep coming in. The software switch buried all of us in a backlog of paper and my vacation will make this even worse to come back to if I don't get a handle on it. It's very stressful so it doesn't help the pain issues.

Writers' Asylum met last night and we had a fairly productive meeting I think. Kathy, Doug, Cassie and I were there. We read Cassie's paper and gave her lots of feed back that I hope will help her. She's a very sweet girl and I realized watching her last night that she's very eager to participate in the group. She's had a rough week the last two weeks with a breakup and so I think it was good for her to think about something else for an evening. Of course, we all missed Sarah. There was a big gaping hole where she usually sits. And Katie couldn't make it either because of scheduling conflicts. I hope by the next meeting everyone will be back on track. I suggested we do something like Skype so we could include them. LOL, be interesting to try that.

Ok, back to work. I've taken about an hour an a half to work on this during lulls in the chaos. I made a video last night and tried to post it but something was wrong and it didn't want to play. So, I deleted it. I'll try again tonight to post it.