Afternoon Break

I've had to sit down and take a break. I put some cream, Valtoren, on my knees because one was really hurting. My doctor gave me samples to see if it helped with the arthritis pain I have. I don't know if it has or not. I've not used it every day, just when I have some pain. I can't really tell.

I also had to stop because I was having a major meltdown. I'm cleaning, as I mentioned somewhere earlier. In my den is a box of things taken from Jerry's drawers after he died. I have not sorted through them but once, a few months after his death. I quickly saw then that it was impossible. But today, I have to get that room cleared. I can't stand it a moment longer. I was going to have help but they never came. I began sorting through it and had to stop when I got dizzy because I hyperventilated. Once past that I tried again. I managed to get through the whole pile, most of which was all those receipts he kept. I didn't bother to see what they were for because I just don't care. But then there was this bag of medications, nearly a dozen bottles, all nearly full. The lables told me what each one was for and that just did me in. I have cleaned up all the stuff I was trashing and put it in the box to dispose of. The medicine I've put back in the bag. I don't feel comfortable putting that much medication in the trash or flushing it into the water supply.

I put all the little keepsakes, like the small knife he carried and a buck knife, and his watches. He had nearly a dozen! Some old and not working but one is nearly new and still running. I don't know what to do with them. The boys will never wear any of them.

I am going to find a keepsake box to put things in for Sarah. I found his baby blanket in a suitcase that Becca had borrowed. I loaned the blanket to her when Sarah was born. Jerry's mother gave it to me when Mike was born. It is all I have really from his childhood aside from two or three photos. They gave him nothing when she died. My sons have no shared keepsakes from his childhood. That is the kind of people his family were, selfish and greedy. He begged for photos of his grandparents and was never given anything. No photos of his parents either. But I do have his blanket and that will be stored for Sarah with her daddy's blanket and his dedication shawl I used for both boys. I had wanted Sarah dedicated with it but it didn't happen. Still she will have it and the memories and photos.

I wish I knew what I am going to do. I am simply moving through days with no meaning at all. I get up, do what has to be done, go to bed. I don't actually think of tomorrow much at all. I think about some things I would like to do but then, I get thoughts that upset me and I put it all out. I think, I'll have to do that alone; Oh, it would have been nice to have Jerry with me; Jerry would have liked to do that too; Jerry won't be able to go with me; Jerry would have laughed at that. It become this looming monster and so I just put the whole thing out of my head. If I'm doing something the enjoyment just evaporates, like cleaning the den so I can sit in there on nice days. I don't care now.

I'm not depressed. LOL, seriously, this isn't depression. This is grief. And it never goes away. You learn to avoid anything that brings emotions to the surface. You learn to not talk about certain things, not look at certain things, not think certain things. You avoid movies, music, books and conversations about certain things. You life becomes circumscribed to a routine of "safe" zones. You can go here but not HERE.

My aunt called me the last couple of days. Her first words one day was, I haven't had a heart attack. {ok, not the best way to start a conversation}. I know why she did it but it didn't help. She has some kind of spell and they sent her to the hospital and they ordered a stress test. She will get the results next Thursday I believe she said. She has asthma and this time of year is very bad for her. She says she's fine. Please pray for her. She's a healthy woman but she is 71 and tends to over do because she's always been healthy. Problem is, I really really really can't contemplate this. I really really really can't think about it. This is one of those place I cannot go.

I'm stopping since this is going nowhere fast. I'll drop by again later. I still have the den to deal with and a pile of paper in my study.