Which Way From Here?

It has been a very rough week, all things considered. I've been stressed at work, stressed by medical issues, and stressed by my life in general. I had brief breaks of calm in there.

Tuesday night with pizza and Dave, Becca and Sarah after that horrible day at the clinic. Saving the day for Ms Sarah Cheyenne is always a pleasure no matter what day it is. Wednesday picnic, a nice peaceful hour with a friend from writing group, Kathy. She's funny and interesting to talk to.

Wednesday night my writing group saved my day by just being themselves. I do not know where they all came from but no one can possibly ever know the anchor these five people have been in my life for almost 9 months. It is like drowning and knowing that just a short distance away is this island you can rest on before getting tossed back into the drink. You struggle to stay afloat until you circle back to that small stretch of sand again.

Today is Friday and I have to go home tonight and start cleaning house and packing. I won't have a lot of time after Sunday. I work M-W and Thursday morning I have to be at the airport at 5 a.m.

Last night was my first night with no company all week. I thought I was ready for that. I didn't want company. I went home and got in a sloppy pair of pajama shorts and a t-shirt and did nothing productive... watched a t.v. show and then simply was overwhelmed by the whole week of confusion and the loneliness of decisions that I am used to having help to make, the feeling of being stupid because I can't do it.

I guess since my blog is the place I'm honest with myself, I have to just come out and say the words I never say to anyone. I'm afraid of everything. There is nothing that I do anymore that I'm not afraid of. The simplest things are frightening. I forget my medicine and I just go nuts. Did I? Did I not? When I take a trip. . . what about this, what about that, what if this, what if that. If I look around and see all the stuff that needs doing. Everything is terrifying. It is like being in a foreign country where you don't speak even a little of the language and you're lost. You try and pretend you know what your doing but inside you're rigid with this overwhelming terror. Been there, so I know.

I think the worst moments are when I think, however briefly, "I'll have to ask Jerry about that." It's kind of like being slapped. I didn't by any scope of the imagination rely on my husband to make every decision for our family. But for over 30 years I relied on him to make certain decisions, do certain things while I managed others. It was a partnership and we worked well together. In the last five, more and more and more was falling on me. And I was buckling under the weight for the last two years. You think you're stronger than you really are, at least, I did. And then comes the point at which all the supports are removed and you are under the house that just fell on you. There's no wiggle room. No way out.

So you go to sleep afraid. You wake up afraid. You muddle through your day afraid. You push back as long as you can but it gets tiring. You get so tired. And you don't know what is real.

Nothing I believed before January 29, 2009 remains. Someone changed everything, all the rules, all the questions. Now, I don't know the answers. And that's frightening, too. Because I always have.

I do not speak the language of this land. I don't have a map for this country.