Sunday, May 31, 2009

Back Home

I'm back. We got in around 11:00 p.m. last night. We left my sisters at 8 a.m., stopped in Andalusia, Alabama at 9 a.m. to see my sister-in-law and left there at 11 continue our journey. We were delayed two hours by a terrible accident on the interstate at about the halfway mark, just north of Birmingham, Alabama at the Warrior exit. We got of at that exit and because I remembered that Warrior has three on/off ramps. I was low on fuel and so we got of and gassed up and took Hwy 31 N. to the next exit. It took us 1.5 hours to go 3 miles! Half the world go off too!

As we got back on at the third exit, they were bringing two vehicles off the interstate. It was horrible to see. One car looked as if it had rolled about 10 times and they had to use a can opener on it. At the gas station they had told us that rumor was there was one fatality. The rest of the journey was uneventful

So, I did nothing today because I'm exhausted. I will tell you about the trip in another post. We had a good time but a busy one.

Glad to be home.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Away We Go!

I'm leaving in the morning for Florida and won't return until some time Saturday night. I probably will not be online before Sunday. I hope you all have a good week. I'm hoping for comfortable, sunny weather in Florida, particularly on Thursday when we plan a family picnic at the beach.

Pray safe passage for out trip down tomorrow and back on Saturday.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

Down in the Dump

As you can all see from my last few posts, I've slowly been descending into a depression. I've not been able to stop it exactly. Since I don't know what caused it, I can't very well stop it. However, I did go get the St. John's Wort and it is helping.

I am, by no means, over the depression but it is lessening somewhat. I suspect it will take a couple of days to really get through the worst of it. Thank God I have enough experience with severe depression to recognize it for what it is and deal with it when necessary. At the moment, I've been at home. I've not even gotten dressed today. I just have sat playing games on the computer, reading my Bible, and chatting when I find someone to chat with.

The act of doing things that don't require deep thought, emotional reactions, or keep me thinking about anything other than my problems is best at the moment. Earlier I moved some clothes and ran across Jerry's favorite shirt, the only one I have left in the house. It still smells like him. That was not a good thing so I stopped moving clothes.

If you are not on my MSN messenger or Yahoo messenger and would like to be, let me know with a PM. I think a couple did that a while back but I don't remember now. If you did and I did not add you, remind me. Of course, you all send me PM's and comments so it isn't as if you don't talk to me.

I am going now and find something to snack on. I had lunch earlier but I think it has been several hours.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Mindless and Careless

Some days it feels as if you are just losing your mind. Or as if you are walking around with part of your limbs missing. I've never lost a limb. I've heard about phantom pain and how it nearly drives the amputee crazy at times. Now I understand much better.

Today I haven't eaten. I just remembered to take my meds about 30 minutes ago. I can't seem to do my bank statement, that I only remember this morning. It has been lying here since the first week of May. How could I not remember? I have an error somewhere and I can't find it. That is poetic justice.

I have no energy to even get out of this chair, no desire to actually do anything. Not even post to the blog.

In my case, I feel as if there is this huge vacancy in every area of my life. I try and plan interesting things that will get me out of the house, out of my chair, out of my head but when I finish, I just don't care. I really don't care if the house gets repaired. I can't do it and I don't know who can and I don't care. I need to buy groceries, not many but a few. I don't care. I need to put away the towels but I don't care if they are put away or rot in the basket. There's laundry washing and drying but it will probably sit there for hours or days. Or until I find the energy to deal with it. I don't really care.

Everyone says, "It gets better." "You're better." I really want to say you don't know what you're talking about. I just smile a mummer, "I know."

YOU DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. No one knows.

Did you ever hear the story about the little boy who stood in front of a cave and called out and was shocked when he heard a voice coming back at him. He wanted to know who it was and was told it was his own voice. He didn't believe it. He believed it was someone in the cave mocking him.

I don't hear anything. Not even the sound of my own voice.

Plans for The Day

I am officially off for the next 10 days. Vacation. I am sitting here posting photos and stuff in my pj's. I will get dressed soon but I was awakened at 7:30 a.m. by my son needing a ride. His brother's car wouldn't start so .... yes, vacation.

To update on a few things. I'm not going to Spain after all. They'll be gone three weeks and I'll have no where near enough vacation time for that. I'm not too disappointed. I'm being very careful with money at the moment. I did think about going to Puerto Rico. That would be fun and have that Spanish flair I'd like. I don't know if I'll get there this summer but I think I could manage that in time and money.

I do like the idea of going to England, Grammy. And I'm thinking by next summer I might be able to swing that. I never thought of traveling much outside of Jerry's military career. We loved it so much. We had plans for this summer, which fell apart, of course.

I'm going shopping for a laptop again. There are some really good sales this weekend for a lot of stuff. I just don't really want to buy anything with Vista. My programs work on XP and I don't want to buy something I have to buy new software for.

Of course, the justification I'm giving for a laptop is the opportunity it will give me to write anywhere and more often. Winter is a good story that needs to be finished. Mist MUST be finished or Alice will never speak to me again. I'd miss her far more than I'll miss Mist when it is done.

Anyway, I'm torn as to whether to wait for Windows 7 or buy now. I just don't know yet. I'll keep praying about it.

Please pray for Mike to find a good used car. We always pray about this because he can't spend more that $500 on a car. Well, I can't. And he is so rough on cars, I wouldn't if I could. God has blessed him with some really good used cars for very little money. He wrecked his car weeks ago and while it is still running, it isn't running well. It wouldn't start this morning. WIthout his car, I'm running everywhere.

I have to go buy ink for my printer. It is out again. I think Mike is coming over and printing color copies. It uses up my ink terribly. I am going to see if I can set a password print command to print unauthorized printing. I hardly print anything but documents and not many of those.

Well, the day is wearing and I have much to do so I will pop in later to see what you are all doing.

Friday, May 22, 2009

Crossing Days

I read my Horrorscope for fun. They're seldom right about anything. I've not won any money, never taken an unexpected trip, nor met a mysterious stranger...weird but not mysterious.

I look at Biorythms for the same reason. However, over the years, I notice that the biorythms actually appear more accurate about some things. Of course, it's all hokey pokey psuedo science but I've watched them for a couple of decades. About an hour ago I began to feel as if my mood was falling. I didn't think more about it but just a minute ago I was looking over my google homepage and was reminded that today is a crossing day for all of my biorythms. I noted this last week to myself but as I said, this is a passing interest only and I don't plan my life by such things. The lowest point will be later this evening. Hmmm.

For the uninformed and scorners, biorythms are a theory that our bodies are on a cycle that rises and falls throughout the month. On days when these cycles cross certain points or each other, our responses and reactions to things is affected. A good Wiki is found here to explain them: Biorythm

It is said that on crossing days you may be more prone to accidents. Again, related to physical cycles, we all know that at certain times of the month women have shorter attention spans, mood swings, and sort fuses. This is cyclical and will pass. You can plot it on a chart. My guess is we are all a mass of cycles. Life is a cycle whose high point can be marked by finding the middle between death and life.

If I think about Jerry in light of these cycles and waves, for him 29.5 was the peak of his life. At that point he was very successful in his military career, he was very healthy and running 5 miles three days a week. We were very happy and living in a foreign country! Our oldest child was about to be born. It was probably the happiest time in either of our lives. I remember it very well. We were on top of the wave.

Understand, I do not believe these cycles or biorythms predict the future, your actions, your behavior or any outcomes.Those are all up to you and God. I do tend to find them interesting because there is a definate wave pattern to human emotions, moods, activity, and intellectual processes, even human life. We all have "up" days and "down" days, some more than others. So it is not beyond my comprehension that these can be plotted on a chart. Women start to plot cycles on charts when they're teenagers! So, if there are physical cycles, then there has to be mental and emotional cycles. Therefore, biorythms are an interesting footnote in my long list of interesting subjects. I thought I'd post about it.

I've felt my mood dropping for the last two hours and couldn't understand it since I was relatively ok when I got up and this is my last day of work for ten days! All the waves are in the bottom of the chart and are crossing.

For those of you who are offended by horrorscopes and biorythms and all the other psuedoscience.... well, lighten up. Most of the scientific community say they are all bogus so there is notchance you job will be predicated on them. Most Chirstians say they are witchcraft so you may want to avoid them... the subjects, not Christians.

As for me, I also read the comics in the Sunday paper and do crossword puzzles. I swear that Born Loser can predict the future and there are secret messages in the crossword puzzles.

Gotta go now. Catch you all later.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

I'm Going to Do It

I finally decided to start taking St. John's Wort. I 'm tired of waking up depressed and going to bed depressed. I am having trouble just getting started in the mornings and this is just the first stage. It may not get better on its on and I just am not willing to take the chance. I've been in that hell before and I'd just as soon bypass it this time. But I don't want prescriptions antidepressants. The counselor was skeptical about SJW but I've used it in the past with great results.

So, I'll get some today and start taking it tonight. I'll have to be careful in the sun but they have sunblock so that shouldn't be a problem. It can make you photo-sensitive. That's sensitive to light, not photographs.

I am also thinking about taking a trip to Spain in the fall. I was invited to go with my aunt and uncle. Have I told you this? Don't think so. Anyway, they are taking a cruise back from there but are leaving early to sightsee. I am not interested in a week at sea but I would love to go to Spain. Means boning up on Spanish... my two years of college Spanish is dismally rusty. And getting a passport, which someone pointed out I should start on now just in case. I think I will have enough time saved to take a few day and a bit of money saved for it. Means I won't fix something but these things don't come often. I checked priceline and the flights are unbelievably cheap!

Of course, I could go somewhere else if not Spain. Jilly, Wendy & Katey, if I decide to visit England, will you show me around? I'd love to visit Ireland, too. Choices, choices. I suppose I better read up on hotels and such too. I haven't done all this in decades... since we got out of service.

Anyway, those are some of the things I'm going to be doing.

Still don't know about the laptop. Had lots of suggestions. Alice is not subtle. She sent me advertisements. LOL! I guess I need one? But I have this lovely desktop that is only a year old and works great.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Cannibals Talk

Two cannibals were sitting around the campfire talking. One of the cannibals said, "You now, I just don't like my brother-in-law."

To which the other replied, "Then just eat the noodles."

From: The Good Clean Funnies List (www.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Winding Down

Monday is closing out. What a busy day it was, too. I was late getting to work because I had to go take Mike's birth certificate to the Social Security office. I wasn't about to let them have the original. They made a copy.

Once I got to work, about 2 hours late. I skipped lunch and worked all day. I did get my desk relatively cleaned off but I know it will pile up quickly if I let my guard down. I am working on getting all the bits and pieces processed before I leave. I dread coming back after a vacation of any kind. It just builds up so badly.

The day was beautiful but I've been down since yesterday. I can't seem to get very happy for long. I did start a new puzzle. I did the sorting tonight. I don't know if I will be able to do much before I leave but I will have it out so I can work on it as I feel the need to distance my mind.

It really isn't very good, you know. I can't think of anything I want to do. I don't want for any thing at this point. I have food, shelter, transportation, a job, clothing, every need is met. I have a little money to do little things for my children. I can take Sarah for milkshakes. I can buy her dresses and shoes without thinking about it much. But none of it suffices. It is as if it is all pointless.

There was a time when doing something to the house would excite me. Jerry and I would plan, gather materials, and then set to work fixing something up. We'd always argue somewhere in the process but we would keep working until we got it done and then stand back and smile at how good a job we did. We'd be so excited to have done something. We've done floors, walls, plumbing, everything you can think of here. We loved our house and loved doing things around here. It doesn't look like much now but we envisioned a lovely home. Dreams that never came true for us.

I find myself wanting to do those things and looking at the job and realizing that it doesn't matter. Even if I get it done, there is no excitement or fun in the job or completed process. It will be nice. It just doesn't matter much.

I'm start going trying to writing again. I finished chapter 43 of Mist last night. I started chapter 43 before Jerry died. I let Alice know it was done and she emailed to say she had read it and liked it. But she loves Mist. I have no idea why. Lord, I remember when I started that thing it was just an exercise in writing and never intended for public consumption, never mind a 75,000 word story! That is the longest novel I've ever written so it would be stupid not to complete it. I would like to get the rest of it done now. I still don't have much concentration for more than blogging. I was just beginning to get focused when life turned over and poured out everything.

I'm still thinking about a laptop. I don't know what is the best way to go. I like the idea of carrying it with me so I can write anywhere but the question now is, will I? I don't now. I'm scared to spend $800 on a laptop that I won't use.

I'm going to shower now and try to get settled for the night. I've forgotten my pills again so I'll do that now. Have a good night.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Bummer of a Day

It was a long day and I'm tired. Dave and Becca took me out to eat. That is a very rare treat, indeed and I enjoyed it, as much as I can enjoy anything. Everything is tempered with sadness and there hangs a cloud over all that I think, feel and see.

I am able to get through most days without thinking a lot but there is always the unexpected moment when I can't get my breath or I have an image flash across my vision. A word, phrase, melody, a photograph, or movie are all catalyst for a break in the flow of my life that begins with a small gasp.

Tonight, I"m tired and on my way to bed. I've sat up too late watching Hulu. I have lab work in the a.m. so good night.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Home For Lunch

I came home for lunch today because my leg is acting up. Sciatica flare on my left side and it is very uncomfortable. My leg hasn't gone out yet and I'm hoping it doesn't.

Don't know if any of you remember last year when it went out I had days of trouble. That is what sent me to the pain management clinic where they put needles in my neck instead.

I have a hot pack on it that you get from the store but it isn't very hot. And it isn't helping actually. Tonight I will have to get the heating pad and put that on it.

I had a call from one of my NaNo friends, Mermaid, last night. It was nice to talk to her again. We had not spoken since sometime in December. She has been my writing buddy for two years and she is just a hoot to hang out with in the forums.

I've made some lovely friends and acquaintances here and on NaNoWriMo. It has been so good to get the messages, comments, and calls from my online friends. I'm very glad I'm so picky about who I add. I've made good choices there. You are all so very good to me. This year has not started well but you support has been a blessing.

Now, back to work. I have just enough time to drive back. I hope to pop in tonight but I've been informed by Alice that I must start thinking about writing again. I agree. I want to work on Hidden in the Mist and The End of Winter is waiting for the ending. That is a good story and needs to be edited but I made myself a promise to edit only after I've got to the end. It isn't far, I think. But Jerry's death has taken more than Jerry from me. I've lost half of who I am and that must be evaluated. I am also not together at all. My sense of time, my ability to organize, think with clarity, all have been impacted in a negative way. I have to get that back. I do feel as if I am thinking more clearly but I'm still disorganized.

Stay my friends and keep me in your prayers. I can't go wrong with that.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Why What's Marked in My Bible

If you begin to notice a pattern to the verses marked in my Bible, it will be that most, if not all of them relate to broken hearts, depressed spirits, and sadness.

I don't relate a lot of my past here but there was much to be sad about, there was a lot to be depressed over, and a lot of heartaches. Life has been a long series of challenges that often left me in a state of depression. That cycle reached a peak in 1998 and was only overcome by my faith.

Always I would find these verses, like gemstones strewn across my path, and I would mark them in colors. I'd go back to them again and again in times of stress.

During this time since Jerry's death, there are have been several times that I opened my Bible and "stumbled" across one of these marked passages, again like gems strewn in my path. I always pick them up and look at them.

No, they don't make me feel better. They do not relieve my grief, absolve my feelings of guilt, dry my tears, nor comfort me in the usual sense of the word. It would be foolish to expect that and to say they do would just be a lie. Those things only come over time and through a lot of effort on our part.

No, these marked verses serve simply as reminders. A reminder that what happens in life can't be avoided, neither good or bad. I don't know why my life has been filled with some of the difficulties I've faced. I know that I made a decision as a young girl that I wanted to live life, in all its variety, to the fullest. I remember asking God to let me experience life. I can't very well fault him for answering my prayers. I just don't always like what I experience. Nor do I know why he allows me to be stupid about a lot of things, never showing me until it is too late. But when I am in my right mind, as I seem to be at this moment, I know that what I asked for is what I have been given.

To appreciate the sweet, you must know and understand bitterness. To appreciate a sunny day, you must endure storms. To enjoy a warm day you have to endure severe cold. You can't live without extremes because if you do, you won't understand the relief that comes afterward.And you won't know any joy at all.

Amidst all the turmoil of my early life, the struggles of my married life, and the torment of my current life, I know beyond all doubt that I have been blessed. Always, throughout my whole lift I have been able, particularly after the crisis, to see the hand of God directing every path, even the most nightmarish paths, through the darkest vales. I often can't see him, feel him, or hear him in this place. I just know he sent me into it. I don't like it. I just love him.

You may doubt many things about religion, Christians, and the Bible. I can only tell you what I know. There is a hand that directs us all. Some take hold of it and are lead. Others take it but must be dragged along. Still others slap it away, preferring their own path. But the hand is always extended and waiting.

I hold on with both hands and close my eyes. He sees better than I.

What's Marked in My Bible, #21

Psalms 34:18 The Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit.

Psalms 37:3-8

3. Trust in the Lord, and do good; so shalt thou dwell in the land, and verily thou shalt be fed.
4. Delight thyself also in the Lord: and he shall give thee the desires of thine heart.
5. Commit thy way unto the Lord; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass.
6. And he shall bring forth thy righteousness as the light, and thy judgment as the noonday.
7. Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for him: fret not thyself because of him who prospereth in his way, because of the man who bringeth wicked devices to pass.
8. Cease from anger, and forsake wrath: fret not thyself in any wise to do evil.

Psalms 37:25 & 28

25. I have been young, and now am old; yet have I not seen the righteous forsaken, nor his seed begging bread.

28. For the Lord loveth judgment, and forsaketh not his saints; they are preserved for ever: but the seed of the wicked shall be cut off.

What's Marked in My Bible, #20

Psalms 27:14 Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the Lord.

Psalms 29:2 Give unto the Lord the glory due unto his name; worship the Lord in the beauty of holiness.

Psalms 30:5 & 11
5. For his anger endureth but a moment; in his favour is life: weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning.

11. Thou hast turned for me my mourning into dancing: thou hast put off my sackcloth, and girded me with gladness;

Psalms 32:1 Blessed is he whose transgression is forgiven, whose sin is covered.

Another song:

Psalms 34

1. I Will bless the Lord at all times: his praise shall continually be in my mouth.
2. My soul shall make her boast in the Lord: the humble shall hear thereof, and be glad.
3. O magnify the Lord with me, and let us exalt his name together.
4. I sought the Lord, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears.

If I ever get a way to get music to these, I'll let you hear them. They are all quite lovely.

What's Marked in My Bible, #19

Psalms 18:6 In my distress I called upon the Lord, and cried unto my God: he heard my voice out of his temple, and my cry came before him, even into his ears.

The following Psalms are all songs I learned while living in Germany. These were quiet popular in a multinational church because everyone knew them!

Psalms 19:7-11b
7. The law of the Lord is perfect, converting the soul: the testimony of the Lord is sure, making wise the simple.
8. The statutes of the Lord are right, rejoicing the heart: the commandment of the Lord is pure, enlightening the eyes.
9. The fear of the Lord is clean, enduring for ever: the judgments of the Lord are true and righteous altogether.
10. More to be desired are they than gold, yea, than much fine gold: sweeter also than honey and the honeycomb.
11. . . . and in keeping of them there is great reward.

Psalms 19:14 Let the words of my mouth, and the meditation of my heart, be acceptable in thy sight, O Lord, my strength, and my redeemer.

Psalms 20:6-8
6. Now know I that the Lord saveth his anointed; he will hear him from his holy heaven with the saving strength of his right hand.
7. Some trust in chariots, and some in horses: but we will remember the name of the Lord our God.
8. They are brought down and fallen: but we are risen, and stand upright.

Psalms 25:1-2

1. Unto thee, O Lord, do I lift up my soul.
2. O my God, I trust in thee: let me not be ashamed, let not mine enemies triumph over me.

What's Marked in My Bible, #18

Psalms 16:11. Thou wilt shew me the path of life: in thy presence is fulness of joy; at thy right hand there are pleasures for evermore.

The following is another scripture song:

Psalms 17:3, 5, 6,7, 8,9

3. Thou hast proved mine heart; thou hast visited me in the night; thou hast tried me, and shalt find nothing; I am purposed that my mouth shall not transgress.

5. Hold up my goings in thy paths, that my footsteps slip not.
6. I have called upon thee, for thou wilt hear me, O God: incline thine ear unto me, and hear my speech.

8. Keep me as the apple of the eye, hide me under the shadow of thy wings,
9. From the wicked that oppress me, from my deadly enemies, who compass me about.

Tuesday.... A Sunny Start

The week began with sunshine... for a change. Today it seems more of the same. I had an appointment yesterday afternoon with the counselor. He said he thinks I'm better. {sigh} Really, it just depends on the day of the week and how hard I've been trying to avoid things. The tireder I am, the worse I get.

I've rested better Sunday and Monday nights. Perhaps because of the prayer cloth Dave and Becca brought me on Sunday night. I pinned it to my PJ top and I went to bed both nights exhausted. Seriously, exhausted. I could barely keep my eyes open both nights. I woke up on Monday and this morning at 6 a.m.. My alarm is set to go off at 6:30 and I usually hit snooze until 6:45.

After I started this I was reminded of the software committee meeting today. They provided lunch but it was a whole day of nothing but listening to a software presentation.

Ultimately, I don't think my opinion will count for anything. They just want to be able to say they consulted every department. I think the accounting personnel have already decided on what they want for the agency and it won't matter what the rest of us say.

Then, I went with Dave and Becca to meet with the attorney's office and discuss their bankruptcy. I promised I'd help them with it. They are never going to get out of the mess they are in any other way. I don't approve of bankruptcy. We were in a mess several times and managed to clean it up and finally got our credit established. But we were never in as deep as these two. And with no skills and low paying jobs, they will never be able to do anything.

I'm tired tonight. I've been up since 6 a.m. Dave and Becca are cutting the yard so I will have a nice yard this weekend.

I have been reading my new study Bible. I quite like it. It has a lot of historical sidebars and footnotes and that is different and very interesting.

I had plans for this post today but it seems to have gone now. I hate getting interrupted at it. Maybe I'll be back later.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

The Weekend So Far. . .

Becca and I cleaned out the garage yesterday. A pile of trash sits by the street waiting for someone to come and spirit it away. I have to pay someone to come get it as I missed the heavy trash pickup in April. The weather was either too cold or too wet to clean the garage and they came a day early anyway!

So, we cleaned it yesterday. We put a lot of stuff back in around 7 p.m. because it got dark but there are things I need to sort out. She does to as some belongs to them. Still, it isn't nearly as much. I've told them all the storage facility is closing and they must figure out what to do with their items. I'd like everything out and the car in. What a novel idea!

I've had a lot of water come in. The thing leaks around the edges of the wall when we have a lot of rain. It sits at ground level. We've had a lot of rain and so water got in. I have to get the mess cleared. I'm concerned my cabinets may be messed up now. I'll be back out next weekend if I can but I am supposed to go to Florida the last week of the month.

And this morning I knew I'd been cleaning. My back is screaming. My hands hurt. My arms are achy between the shoulder and elbow. My calves hurt. I just have no muscle strength anymore. I asked the doctor the other day if I should join a club again and try to build my strength back up but she is sending me to water therapy instead. That's going to cost more, I bet.

I had both boys, Becca and Sarah with me in church this morning. We went to lunch afterward. It was nice but I so missed Jerry. And this afternoon has been horrid. I took them home,and then Mike left. I came home and lay down on the couch for a bit, which is very comfy but when I realized I was going to sleep and was cold, I got in bed. Where I was then unable to sleep. I got up and put a hot pack on my back... which isn't hot at all, and here I sit.

I'm tired. And I'm really tired of falling into this terrible empty place. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I'd like to rest and enjoy things but I just keep slamming into circular walls.

I do not know if I will ever get over this thing. Yes, I know that everyone says I will. But I can't see anything beyond it. There is no purpose to it. It makes one realize the planning and dreaming are a waste of time. We dreamed of watching Sarah graduate from high school, go to college and maybe, if we were lucky, marry and see our first great grandchild. We planned to do things for us this year. Now, I make no plans and dream no dreams. It doesn't matter whether I fix the house or not because tomorrow, I may be gone. So I don't really want to bother. The effort is just too much. I do not relish ripping out floors anymore.

This afternoon I lay on the bed and remembered that we had planned to change the light fixture to match the one in the study. I remembered the night we changed that one. Took far too long and we kept having trouble with the box in the ceiling. When we finished it we had this great sense of satisfaction because it was so pretty and we'd had fun doing it. I can't do that alone. I don't want to spend any money anymore. It isn't fun at all. And when I hurt, I realize that my working days are probably numbered. I'm not going to be able to keep doing this. It isn't getting better.

Someone once said to me that there is no real purpose to life. I disagreed then. Now, I begin to think it is true. Meaning is created in our heads and we're just passing through. Try as I might, I can't find any other answer. It all means nothing at the end. A collection of painful memories left behind to torment the living.

You know, I have those grief books everyone gave me, two or three of them. I've read a bit in one, finished the small one the counselor gave me, and another I started but couldn't read. It wasn't MY loss. I haven't found anything in any them that is helpful to me. Isn't that crazy?

But, after thinking about it, I've decided that everyone takes this journey for themselves. You can't share it. There are traveling companions but they are all strangers on the train. Each one gets off at a different stop. Some sooner, some later. But we each arrive at a different point in the journey. The journey doesn't mean anything.

I'm one of those people who sits on the train until the end of the line, staring out the window at the passing landscape - some barren desert, some verdant forest, some dark and bleak and wasted, some sun drenched flowering meadows. I can get off at any stage of the journey but there is nothing waiting for me there. I know that they are all just a facade, a front. What lies behind the scenes outside the windows is what was at the beginning of the journey. So, I continue the journey because I've already been there. I don't know what lies at the end because I don't know where the end lies.

I remember this terribly long stretch of interstate highway between Montgomery, Alabama and Mobile, Alabama and a similar stretch between Myrtle Beach, South Carolina and Charleston, South Carolina.(See the last S. C. album) Straight highways that take you from one place to another. Hours of nothing but pine forest. There is nothing of interest or merit or meaning except that you have to pass through them to get to your destination. They are deadly dull to pass thorough and frightening if you breakdown at night. No houses for miles and miles. If you travel it alone, you can go to sleep at the wheel.

This is that kind of journey. Long, pointless, empty and frightening. It'd be nice if you could sleep but there's no one to drive for you or to wake you when it is over. So, I ride the train, staring out the windows and waiting until the end of the line.

Saturday, May 9, 2009


Just got back from shopping. Bought three tops form Kohl's and a 4th of July dress for Sarah. It was just too cute to pass up.

I also went to Penny's where I bought my fourth and fifth pair of St. John's Bay shoes. One is another pair that I will wear to work. All four pair are exactly alike...yes. Two black, one navy and one brown. Why four just alike? Well, they are the most comfortable working shoe I've had in years. I wear out a pair in six months. I'm scared they will stop carrying this particular shoe so, I bought one in each color and an extra pair of black today to save the wear and tear on the other pair of black.

The second pair I bought today is a pair of sandals by St. John's Bay. Absolutely wonderful on my foot! I've been trying to find a summer sandal but they are all so ugly, so uncomfortable, or just to teeny-bopper for me. These are really nice and again, the insole is heavenly.

Then, I went to Sam's Club. Do they have them in Europe, Jilly? A bulk discount warehouse where you have a membership to purchase things. Although, I often discount the discount portion. Sometimes it is cheaper elsewhere. Anyway, I bought some food and a Dora book and a Dr. Suess book for Sarah. I bought me a new study Bible. This is a chronological one like my other but this one has study notes. The other I have it a "through the year" chronological Bible.

Now, I'm probably going somewhere else.

Anyone know why spending money is making me ill? I use the money from Jerry's pension for the "extras" I've been buying, like the clothes, shoes, and furniture. I've noticed that I get sick to my stomach every time on the way home.

Hollow Places


Empty space.

Barren lands.

Vacant buildings.

Violent people.

Hungry children.

Lost people.

Broken hearts.

Lonely people.

Know any? Fill them.

Friday, May 8, 2009

What's Marked in My Bible, #16

Job 38:36. Who hath put wisdom in the inward parts? or who hath given understanding to the heart?

When I lived in Frankfurt, Germany from 1977-1979 we learned several songs from the Bible. This chapter contains one. I could sing them but with no music it wouldn't be very pretty. I did post one in the Melodies tag box on the home page, but not this one.

Psalms 3:1-6
1. Lord, how are they increased that trouble me! many are they that rise up against me.
2. Many there be which say of my soul, There is no help for him in God. Selah.
3. But thou, O Lord, art a shield for me; my glory, and the lifter up of mine head.
4. I cried unto the Lord with my voice, and he heard me out of his holy hill. Selah.
5. I laid me down and slept; I awaked; for the Lord sustained me.
6. I will not be afraid of ten thousands of people, that have set themselves against me round about.

Psalms 11:3 If the foundations be destroyed, what can the righteous do?

They are being slowly eroded. As a child, I could pray in school and no one thought it strange to pray at a dinner table or talk about Sunday School. The Ten Commandments were more than a set of rules, the were the foundation of democracies.

Today, the word Christian is considered an insult and a shame. To practice Christian faith is to invite insult, ridicule, and lawsuits. Prayer is forbidden except in private.

Yet, how amazing that we are ordered to be tolerant of a religion that advocates the use of violence to force compliance and conversion, tolerate their praying in public, tolerate their hatred of Christians.

Yet, let a Christian even speak in a public place the words of the Bible, and they will be accused of violating the separation of church and state. Let them criticize a public official, a lifestyle, or a certain behavior and they can be arrested for a hate crime. Let them disagree with the politics of the day and special interest groups are allowed to prohibit them for participating in a political event, simply by whining.

The world has truly been turned upside down. If speech were truly free in American or anywhere, we could speak without fear of reprisal or restraint.

Stepping off the soap box now.

What's in My Bible, #16

Probably one of the most poetical and beautiful chapters in the Bible. And my most favorite.

Job 23

1. Then Job answered and said,
2. Even to day is my complaint bitter: my stroke is heavier than my groaning.
3. Oh that I knew where I might find him! that I might come even to his seat!
4. I would order my cause before him, and fill my mouth with arguments.
5. I would know the words which he would answer me, and understand what he would say unto me.
6. Will he plead against me with his great power? No; but he would put strength in me.
7. There the righteous might dispute with him; so should I be delivered for ever from my judge.
8. Behold, I go forward, but he is not there; and backward, but I cannot perceive him:
9. On the left hand, where he doth work, but I cannot behold him: he hideth himself on the right hand, that I cannot see him:
10. But he knoweth the way that I take: when he hath tried me, I shall come forth as gold.
11. My foot hath held his steps, his way have I kept, and not declined.
12. Neither have I gone back from the commandment of his lips; I have esteemed the words of his mouth more than my necessary food.
13. But he is in one mind, and who can turn him? and what his soul desireth, even that he doeth.
14. For he performeth the thing that is appointed for me: and many such things are with him.
15. Therefore am I troubled at his presence: when I consider, I am afraid of him.
16. For God maketh my heart soft, and the almighty troubleth me:
17. Because I was not cut off before the darkness, neither hath he covered the darkness from my face.

What's Marked in My Bible, #15

Job 13:15. Though he slay me, yet will I trust in him: but I will maintain mine own ways before him.

Job 13: 23. How many are mine iniquities and sins? make me to know my transgression and my sin.

Here is another of those verses that resulted in a wise saying:

Job 19:20. My bone cleaveth to my skin and to my flesh, and I am escaped with the skin of my teeth.

And this always gives me a great sense of excitement:

Job 19:5. For I know that my redeemer liveth, and that he shall stand at the latter day upon the earth:
26. And though after my skin worms destroy this body, yet in my flesh shall I see God:
27. Whom I shall see for myself, and mine eyes shall behold, and not another; though my reins be consumed within me.


Calendar Says.... Friday

I thought it would never get here. What a long trying week. A lot going on on the home front and work is hectic. I'm trying to push ahead so I won't come back from vacation to a mound of work.

I'm had a lot of pain this week and I wish there was a solution. I just ache all around my neck and shoulders. Sharp pains that worsen if I turn my head or get in an awkward position for long. Forget looking over my shoulder. I'm using hot stuff on it but it is pretty much useless.

I plan on spending tomorrow cleaning around the property. I must get my energy up so I can accomplish something. The yard is terrible and the house needs as much weeding as the yard. And my garage... doesn't bear thinking about.

I am sitting here not wanting to work. I have found putting up the post of verses I've marked in my Bible has become interesting to me. I remember when I marked some of them, and others I rethink them. And I find the oddities a bit more fun. I'll be posting one about automobiles and one about freeways.... LOL, you'll have to keep reading to find out. Keep in mind that some of these odd verses were shown to me by people long dead. I marked them solely because they were strange.

It is sad how people misjudge the Bible and ignore it. I am not sure why that is. Someone once said a truly educated mind has read all the classics and the Bible. I always thought that was true. The influence of the Bible on history and literature is profound, despite modern efforts to obliterate it from all thought and education.

In my secular college, I took a "Bible as Literature" class (right before my Anthropology class!) and it was such a fun class because we examined it as great literature, not a religious document. There is much of interest in the pages. People were not different then than they are now so you find many similar events happening. And the insight into life and people is profound.

Anyway, I won't convince heathens to read it but I thank them for reading the rest of my blog. LOL, I have friends in many places and not all agree with me on religious matters. I hope they know me well enough to know their faith or lack thereof doesn't make me like them less.

I am going back to work. I need to do two moves and several other items today. Everyone have a great day. I will be back later tonight, I am sure.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

What's Marked in My Bible, #14

2 Chronicles 30
17. For there were many in the congregation that were not sanctified: therefore the Levites had the charge of the killing of the passovers for every one that was not clean, to sanctify them unto the Lord.
18. For a multitude of the people, even many of Ephraim, and Manasseh, Issachar, and Zebulun, had not cleansed themselves, yet did they eat the passover otherwise than it was written. But Hezekiah prayed for them, saying, The good Lord pardon every one
19. That prepareth his heart to seek God, the Lord God of his fathers, though he be not cleansed according to the purification of the sanctuary.

Don't know when I found this or what I was studying but it struck me for a particular reason. We presume to tell people the "method" by which they are to be saved. I believe a specific way and I hold fast to that. But, here is a place where there were some in the congregation that were not cleansed according to the required method. The amazing thing is that the penalty for such a thing was death. You could not enter the congregation uncleansed.
Yet, they were allowed in and Hezekiah prayed for their pardon. Verse 20 says that the Lord hearkened to that prayer and healed the people.

Job 2:10. But he said unto her, Thou speakest as one of the foolish women speaketh. What? shall we receive good at the hand of God, and shall we not receive evil? In all this did not Job sin with his lips.

Good and Evil is from God? There is another verse in Psalms that also states this.

This next one is for Jilly: It is the source of a common saying.
Job 3: 25. For the thing which I greatly feared is come upon me, and that which I was afraid of is come unto me.

I found the following verses amusing and marked them.

Job 12:1. And Job answered and said,
2. No doubt but ye are the people, and wisdom shall die with you.
3. But I have understanding as well as you; I am not inferior to you: yea, who knoweth not such things as these?

Translation: You're the man and when you're dead there won't be anyone with intelligence around to tell us what to do. I'm as smart as you are and I'm as good as you. In fact, everyone knows this stuff!

What's Marked in My Bible, #13

2 Chronicles 7:14. If my people, which are called by my name, shall humble themselves, and pray, and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways; then will I hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin, and will heal their land.

True prosperity is not gained by donations to the right preacher. It is gained by humbling ourselves, prayer, seeking God's face and turning from our wicked ways.

And for those wondering why we have wars...

2 Chronicles 16: 9. For the eyes of the Lord run to and fro throughout the whole earth, to shew himself strong in the behalf of them whose heart is perfect toward him. Herein thou hast done foolishly: therefore from henceforth thou shalt have wars.

The whole chapter details how Asa had purchased aid in war from other people rather than relying on God to defend Judah. The results of his lack of faith in God is a curse of wars.


Then along comes Jehoshaphat who saw a great multitude rise against Judah. He "set himself to seek the Lord and proclaimed a fast throughout all Judah."

The results?
2 Chronicles 20:7. Ye shall not need to fight in this battle: set yourselves, stand ye still, and see the salvation of the Lord with you, O Judah and Jerusalem: fear not, nor be dismayed; to morrow go out against them: for the Lord will be with you.

Not marked but interesting -> verse 30. So the realm of Jehoshaphat was quiet: for his God gave him rest round about.

What's Marked in My Bible, #13

2 Chronicles 7:14. If my people, which are called by my name, shall humble themselves, and pray, and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways; then will I hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin, and will heal their land.


Pain, Pain, Go Away....

Don't come again another day.

Nursery rhymes are fun.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

What's Marked in My Bible, #12

II Samuel 7:14 I will be his father, and he shall be my son. If he commit iniquity, I will chasten him with the rod of men, and with the stripes of the children of men:
15. But my mercy shall not depart away from him, as I took it from Saul, whom I put away before thee.

A promise of faithfulness.

II Samuel 21:20 And there was yet a battle in Gath, where was a man of great stature, that had on every hand six fingers, and on every foot six toes, four and twenty in number; and he also was born to the giant.

Remember the earlier post about the Nephilim and children of Anak? This is very probably one of their descendants. There are several giants mentioned in this book, all related to one another, brothers I believe.

I Kings 22:21-22 And there came forth a spirit, and stood before the Lord, and said, I will persuade him.
22. And the Lord said unto him, Wherewith? And he said, I will go forth, and I will be a lying spirit in the mouth of all his prophets. And he said, Thou shalt persuade him, and prevail also: go forth, and do so.

God sent lying spirits to stop destroy Ahab.

Pray for My Brother-in-Law

My sister Roselynn emailed me today to say Russell, her husband, is in the Gainsville, Florida burn hospital. He is going to need skin graphs. At this point, I don't know exactly how serious this is. She said they are keeping him sedated when they clean the leg.

You may know that cleaning burned skin is torture for the victim. So sedation is a must. Russell is also diabetic and the risk of infection for a burn in general is high. For a diabetic, it is even higher.

Russell is like one of my brothers and we all love him very much. Please keep him in your prayers for a full recovery. He will have to miss quiet a bit of work because of this and they are worried about money.

I'm sure she will post information on her blog as she has time.

Monday, May 4, 2009

What's Marked in My Bible, #11

1 Samuel 9:9 (Beforetime in Israel, when a man went to inquire of God, thus he spake, Come, and let us go to the seer: for he that is now called a Prophet was beforetime called a Seer.)

Just an interesting verse to me. No special reason.

1 Samuel 10:6 And the Spirit of the Lord will come upon thee, and thou shalt prophesy with them, and shalt be turned into another man.

1 Samuel 15: 22b & 23...Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice, and to hearken than the fat of rams. 23. For rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft, and stubbornness is as iniquity and idolatry.

1 Samuel 15:29 And also the Strength of Israel will not lie nor repent: for he is not a man, that he should repent.

1 Samuel 16:7b . . .for the Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart.

I do not think these need explanation but if you have a question, you can ask.I would suggest reading the entire chapter where the verses are found to discover the point. I know the stories and these verses are the whole point of the story.

What's Marked in My Bible, #10

Judges 14:4, 6b, 9

4. But his father and his mother knew not that it was of the Lord, that he sought an occasion against the Philistines: for at that time the Philistines had dominion over Israel.

6b but he told not his father or his mother what he had done.

9. And he took thereof in his hands, and went on eating, and came to his father and mother, and he gave them, and they did eat: but he told not them that he had taken the honey out of the carcase of the lion.

Again, the whole chapter is a good story. These verses revealed that Sampson plotted the destruction of an entire nation, right down to the woman he knew would betray him. He never told his parents anything about what was going on.

What's Marked in My Bible, #9

Judges 13:18b Why askest thou thus after my name, seeing it is secret?

I no longer remember why I marked this. I suspect it has something to do with wondering why the angel did not reveal his name to Manoah (father to Sampson). But remember that verse earlier that said the secret things belong to the Lord and the revealed things to us? That might be a clue.

What's Marked in My Bible, #8

Judges 1:6 But Adonibezek fled; and they pursued after him, and caught him, and cut off his thumbs and his great toes.

Please remember that these are scriptures in the Holy Bible that I have marked over a period of 40 years. They all have or had meaning when marked. Some are what I believe are profound truths, some are interesting stories, and some are oddities. All from my perspective. You may take them seriously or not.

This is one of the oddities. It is a good story if you read the whole thing. In fact, the book of Judges is a very interesting book. Lots of stuff in this very short book. The next is of import to me for a very good reason. Who can guess the reason?

Judges 3:15 15. But when the children of Israel cried unto the Lord, the Lord raised them up a deliverer, Ehud the son of Gera, a Benjamite, a man lefthanded: and by him the children of Israel sent a present unto Eglon the king of Moab.

And this is important for another reason. Can you guess this?

Judges 4:4 And Deborah, a prophetess, the wife of Lapidoth, she judged Israel at that time.
Judges 4:9b for the Lord shall sell Sisera into the hand of a woman.

If you guessed the first woman Judge in Israel, you are right. And the first woman assassin. So, for those who believe in women keeping silent and not teaching... read verse 5, which, incidentally is not marked in my Bible.

5. And she dwelt under the palm tree of Deborah between Ramah and Bethel in mount Ephraim: and the children of Israel came up to her for judgment.

Judges 11:1-40 I had to write a paper on whether or not all promises should be kept. This chapter was the basis of my premise that "Yes, promises must be kept." I hightlighted verses 30, 31, 32b, 34, and 35. I've posted the entire chapter here for those interested. This is a very good story, by the way. One question that came up in class was did Jephthah kill his daughter or did he simply put her away in confinement. I believed he put her away because the laws against killing ones children. Most of the class believed he actually killed her as a fulfillment of his vow. You make your own assessment.

1. Now Jephthah the Gileadite was a mighty man of valour, and he was the son of an harlot: and Gilead begat Jephthah.
2. And Gilead's wife bare him sons; and his wife's sons grew up, and they thrust out Jephthah, and said unto him, Thou shalt not inherit in our father's house; for thou art the son of a strange woman.
3. Then Jephthah fled from his brethren, and dwelt in the land of Tob: and there were gathered vain men to Jephthah, and went out with him.
4. And it came to pass in process of time, that the children of Ammon made war against Israel.
5. And it was so, that when the children of Ammon made war against Israel, the elders of Gilead went to fetch Jephthah out of the land of Tob:
6. And they said unto Jephthah, Come, and be our captain, that we may fight with the children of Ammon.
7. And Jephthah said unto the elders of Gilead, Did not ye hate me, and expel me out of my father's house? and why are ye come unto me now when ye are in distress?
8. And the elders of Gilead said unto Jephthah, Therefore we turn again to thee now, that thou mayest go with us, and fight against the children of Ammon, and be our head over all the inhabitants of Gilead.
9. And Jephthah said unto the elders of Gilead, If ye bring me home again to fight against the children of Ammon, and the Lord deliver them before me, shall I be your head?
10. And the elders of Gilead said unto Jephthah, The Lord be witness between us, if we do not so according to thy words.
11. Then Jephthah went with the elders of Gilead, and the people made him head and captain over them: and Jephthah uttered all his words before the Lord in Mizpeh.
12. And Jephthah sent messengers unto the king of the children of Ammon, saying, What hast thou to do with me, that thou art come against me to fight in my land?
13. And the king of the children of Ammon answered unto the messengers of Jephthah, Because Israel took away my land, when they came up out of Egypt, from Arnon even unto Jabbok, and unto Jordan: now therefore restore those lands again peaceably.
14. And Jephthah sent messengers again unto the king of the children of Ammon:
15. And said unto him, Thus saith Jephthah, Israel took not away the land of Moab, nor the land of the children of Ammon:
16. But when Israel came up from Egypt, and walked through the wilderness unto the Red sea, and came to Kadesh;
17. Then Israel sent messengers unto the king of Edom, saying, Let me, I pray thee, pass through thy land: but the king of Edom would not hearken thereto. And in like manner they sent unto the king of Moab: but he would not consent: and Israel abode in Kadesh.
18. Then they went along through the wilderness, and compassed the land of Edom, and the land of Moab, and came by the east side of the land of Moab, and pitched on the other side of Arnon, but came not within the border of Moab: for Arnon was the border of Moab.
19. And Israel sent messengers unto Sihon king of the Amorites, the king of Heshbon; and Israel said unto him, Let us pass, we pray thee, through thy land into my place.
20. But Sihon trusted not Israel to pass through his coast: but Sihon gathered all his people together, and pitched in Jahaz, and fought against Israel.
21. And the Lord God of Israel delivered Sihon and all his people into the hand of Israel, and they smote them: so Israel possessed all the land of the Amorites, the inhabitants of that country.
22. And they possessed all the coasts of the Amorites, from Arnon even unto Jabbok, and from the wilderness even unto Jordan.
23. So now the Lord God of Israel hath dispossessed the Amorites from before his people Israel, and shouldest thou possess it?
24. Wilt not thou possess that which Chemosh thy god giveth thee to possess? So whomsoever the Lord our God shall drive out from before us, them will we possess.
25. And now art thou any thing better than Balak the son of Zippor, king of Moab? did he ever strive against Israel, or did he ever fight against them,
26. While Israel dwelt in Heshbon and her towns, and in Aroer and her towns, and in all the cities that be along by the coasts of Arnon, three hundred years? why therefore did ye not recover them within that time?
27. Wherefore I have not sinned against thee, but thou doest me wrong to war against me: the Lord the Judge be judge this day between the children of Israel and the children of Ammon.
28. Howbeit the king of the children of Ammon hearkened not unto the words of Jephthah which he sent him.
29. Then the Spirit of the Lord came upon Jephthah, and he passed over Gilead, and Manasseh, and passed over Mizpeh of Gilead, and from Mizpeh of Gilead he passed over unto the children of Ammon.
30. And Jephthah vowed a vow unto the Lord, and said, If thou shalt without fail deliver the children of Ammon into mine hands,
31. Then it shall be, that whatsoever cometh forth of the doors of my house to meet me, when I return in peace from the children of Ammon, shall surely be the Lord's, and I will offer it up for a burnt offering.
32. So Jephthah passed over unto the children of Ammon to fight against them; and the Lord delivered them into his hands.
33. And he smote them from Aroer, even till thou come to Minnith, even twenty cities, and unto the plain of the vineyards, with a very great slaughter. Thus the children of Ammon were subdued before the children of Israel.
34. And Jephthah came to Mizpeh unto his house, and, behold, his daughter came out to meet him with timbrels and with dances: and she was his only child; beside her he had neither son nor daughter.
35. And it came to pass, when he saw her, that he rent his clothes, and said, Alas, my daughter! thou hast brought me very low, and thou art one of them that trouble me: for I have opened my mouth unto the Lord, and I cannot go back.
36. And she said unto him, My father, if thou hast opened thy mouth unto the Lord, do to me according to that which hath proceeded out of thy mouth; forasmuch as the Lord hath taken vengeance for thee of thine enemies, even of the children of Ammon.
37. And she said unto her father, Let this thing be done for me: let me alone two months, that I may go up and down upon the mountains, and bewail my virginity, I and my fellows.
38. And he said, Go. And he sent her away for two months: and she went with her companions, and bewailed her virginity upon the mountains.
39. And it came to pass at the end of two months, that she returned unto her father, who did with her according to his vow which he had vowed: and she knew no man. And it was a custom in Israel,
40. That the daughters of Israel went yearly to lament the daughter of Jephthah the Gileadite four days in a year.

I believe the story proves the important of being careful what you say and what you promise. If you are not willing to stand by your word, keep you mouth shut.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

What's Marked in My Bible, #7

This first one will amuse those of you of some faiths and offend those of others. I apologize to both... I didn't write it, I just highlighted it in the Book.

Deuteronomy 22:5 The woman shall not wear that which pertaineth unto a man, neither shall a man put on a woman's garment: for all that do so are abomination unto the Lord thy God.

Oh, this was my favorite when I got married. I used to laugh and tell Jerry he was sinning by working that first year.

Deuteronomy 24:5 When a man hath taken a new wife, he shall not go out to war, neither shall he be charged with any business: but he shall be free at home one year, and shall cheer up his wife which he hath taken.

And I think this is for all those who buried the Law.....

Deuteronomy 29:29 The secret things belong unto the Lord our God: but those things which are revealed belong unto us and to our children for ever, that we may do all the words of this law.

For ever is a long time......

What's Marked in My Bible, #6

The source of an old saying and an old truth. I said once before I was going to make a list of saying that came from the Bible. You'll see a lot of it in these postings.

Deuteronomy 8:3 And he humbled thee, and suffered thee to hunger, and fed thee with manna, which thou knewest not, neither did thy fathers know; that he might make thee know that man doth not live by bread only, but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of the Lord doth man live.

What's Marked in My Bible, #5

I didn't highlight the subsequent three verses but they explain this in more detail. Shed innocent blood defiles the land and can only be redeemed by the shed blood of the murderer.

Numbers 35:30-31

30. Whoso killeth any person, the murderer shall be put to death by the mouth of witnesses: but one witness shall not testify against any person to cause him to die.
31. Moreover ye shall take no satisfaction for the life of a murderer, which is guilty of death: but he shall be surely put to death.

One witness can't condemn a person to death. An interesting concept that shows the patriarchs were not fools but understood the risk of a single witness testimony being suspect.

And we are not to take any pleasure in the death of the guilty.

Deuteronomy 6:4 Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God is One Lord:

Deuteronomy 6:13, 15, 16
13. Thou shalt fear the Lord thy God, and serve him, and shalt swear by his name.
15. (For the Lord thy God is a jealous God among you) lest the anger of the Lord thy God be kindled against thee, and destroy thee from off the face of the earth.
16. Ye shall not tempt the Lord your God, as ye tempted him in Massah.

What's Marked in My Bible, #4

Numbers 32:23 ....behold, you have sinned against the Lord; and be sure your sins will find you out.

My Mama used to tell us this every time we got up to something.

Interestingly, as I was reading this chapter to make sense of the verse, I found another that I may mark.

Numbers 32:6 And Moses said unto the children of Gad and to the children of Reuben, Shall your brethren go to war, and shall ye sit here?

It is an interesting chapter. Reuben and Gad have elected to not cross the Jordan River in to the promised land. They, instead, they looked around and say the land of Jazer and Gilead, that is was a place for cattle and since they had a multitude of cattle, they went to Moses and told him they would stay where they were.

Moses got a tad upset. He said they were just like their fathers who had brought back a negative report of the land and had discouraged the people. They eventually agree but tell Moses first they will build defended cities for their women and children to stay in.

What's Marked in My Bible, #3

I wonder if this needs explanation....

Exodus 20: 3, 4, 7,8 12-17

3. Thou shalt have no other gods before me.
4. Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth.
7. Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain; for the Lord will not hold him guiltless that taketh his name in vain.
8. Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy.
12. Honour thy father and thy mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the Lord thy God giveth thee.
13. Thou shalt not kill.
14. Thou shalt not commit adultery.
15. Thou shalt not steal.
16. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour.
17. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that is thy neighbour's.

What's Marked in My Bible, #2

Genesis 6:2 & 11

2. That the sons of God saw the daughters of men that they were fair; and they took them wives of all which they chose.

I've often found this verse fascinating! So much so that I've done several researches regarding it and the Nephilim, the beings referred to in this passage above. This intermarriage is not mentioned again but there is another scripture that refers to the descendants of Anak who were giants and residing in the Promised land before the Hebrews came. They are said to be the Nephilim. There is much debate about this verse among scholars of the Bible and about the Nephilim specifically. I won't go into it but if you Google them you will see what I mean. Some of it is way out there. But once you begin to read the more reasonable information, it is interesting.

Verse 4 indicates the children of the union between women and heavenly beings became mighty beings. I read a paper by Derek Prince, a minister whose work I like reading, who made the claim that the Nephilim are very possibly the beings referred to in Greek and Roman mythology. We know these are legends but in every legend there is a grain of truth. Having read these myths as a child, I realized that it made more sense for these to have been the people mentioned in Verse 2 and 4 of Genesis. Separating the facts from fiction is more complicated because of the time span. But it is fun to think about these mysteries.

11. The earth also was corrupt before God, and the earth was filled with violence.

I always found this verse very interesting because it is so current. I marked it many years ago.

What's Marked in My Bible, #1

Genesis 4:20-22
20. And Adah bare Jabal: he was the father of such as dwell in tents, and of such as have cattle.
21. And his brother's name was Jubal: he was the father of all such as handle the harp and organ.
22. And Zillah, she also bare Tubalcain, an instructer of every artificer in brass and iron:

This was marked many, many years ago, in that first "real" Bible I mentioned in the last post. Jabal and Jubal and Zillah were the parents of all cattle farmers, musicians, and iron workers.

I don't remember if there are other such statements in the Bible but I found this one interesting as a young girl. You see, talents are generally inherited through a bloodline. Those who have musical talent with stringed instruments are a descendant of Zillah. If they are skilled in working with metals, the are a descendant of Jubal. And remember all the wandering cattle farmers around the world who have made fortunes? Wow!

Sunday Morning Pains

I didn't go to church this morning. Today, physical pain is the issue. I overslept and felt as if someone had run over me. I'm a mess. It gets better over the course of the day once I am up and if I take it easy, but it always destroys the last hour or so of rest, which is always one of the most beneficial.

You know, church is the hardest for me? I can hardly bear to go. I look for the spot my husband would stand during praise service or where he sat during preaching (we always sat on the third pew but if I'm behind that pew I keep looking at the third one.) He isn't there and it is terrible. He so loved church and I always did, too, but now, I can't bear to be there. But I want to go so I am ripped up every time I leave.

And I have no idea what else will set me off. I will feel great but hear a song from my earlier married life and feel as if I'm dying. Or I see photo of someplace we've been. Couples holding hands, laughing, talking, at lunch together.

Even m walking through a store he loved to shop at last night was horrendous. I went to The Family Christian Bookstore to purchase a new Bible cover and tried to shop. I went to the bookshelves to look at books and felt I couldn't breath then went to the back where the Bibles and covers are. I looked for maybe 30 minutes but found nothing and just had this depression set in.

I left when I couldn't find what I wanted. Then, I went to The Vineyard, another Bible store down the street a few blocks. I found a pretty cover and bought it but the experience was not enjoyable. He loved shopping at these stores and at both I have memories of our going there. I bought him gifts for Birthday's and Christmas there, on occasion. He liked the ties and coffee mugs.

I found a Bible I asked them to put on hold for me. I hate buying a new Bible. I know where everything is in my old one. Jerry bought me this one, too. He'd bought several over the years so one isn't really more special in that sense but this would be the first one I've bought on my own in many, many years. They will hold it for several days. Since I have a new cover I may just keep my old one. The cover is wearing at the spine. I suppose that is a good thing, to wear out a cover. The spine is worn off at the top and bottom. I always get Bonded Leather and Jerry would fuss about it. "Leather is better. It won't do that," he'd say. "Yes, I know but it cost twice as much." I'd argue.

That's probably why I've worn out three in about 40 years. I still have the first "real" Bible I ever got. I won it for bringing the most people to Sunday School. The whole front cover is off it. I used it until after I married. Jerry bought me another in 1980 and that cover wore out, too. I'm on the third now. I can't remember when he bought it because he didn't date it but it was after we moved into this house in 1990.

I have many passages marked in my Bible and always have to transfer them to the new one. They are things I go back and read often. I think I may start a posting theme called What's Marked in My Bible. That might be interesting.

I am going now to find something to occupy me. When my mind dwells on Jerry too much the day grows very dark, no matter how good the memory. At this point, no memory is very good for me. They are all knives stabbed into my chest.

Saturday, May 2, 2009


Cheryl asked me if I had any Saturday plans. It feels as if this is one of those days where I can't function. I can't find a thing I want to do except sit. I know I will get moving soon but at the moment, everything takes too much effort. I have coffee cups for three days in the sink. Can't figure out why there are not dinner plates. Did I eat out? I guess I did.

I don't seems to cook anymore. A sandwich or cereal or whatever I can find to get me by. I hate eating out alone so I have probably been taking one of the kids. I think... no, yesterday I had a burger alone in the car while shopping.

I had planned to do some yard work but everything here is wet. Grass is getting tall and I can't cut it wet. Such an aggravation.

The house is not terribly dirty but there are things I need to do. I'm wanting to throw things out and slim down the contents. I did find a lovely sofa yesterday that I may buy later in the summer. Not too large and not too small.

I realized a minute ago that the furniture I am buying now will probably be the last I ever buy. I have no children at home to wear it out. Sarah behaves very well. One person won't even make a dent in the furniture over the course of several years. So, I better buy something I truly love because I'm stuck with it forever.

It is just that none of this is even remotely interesting to me. I always loved doing this stuff but I usually had Jerry helping in some capacity. We both loved working on the house. Now, I don't really care if it is ever fixed, or painted, or decorated. I can't do most of the work alone and it is just too much effort to figure it out.

The scene of Scarlett at the bottom of the stairs makes a lot of sense. "I'll think about it tomorrow."

Rhett's makes even more sense. "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn."

No, I have no plans.

Friday, May 1, 2009

Where Has My Mind Gone?

I went to Value City Furniture and ordered the dresser and nightstand that matches my bed. It will arrive on Tuesday. Jerry and I had planned on buying the matching pieces of this bedroom suite when we bought the bed three years ago but it was just so expensive we couldn't afford anything except the bed. We kept planning to buy a dresser or armoire every year but at nearly $1000 for the dresser it was insane. The armoire was about $700. That isn't a bad deal since this is all wood... none of that particle stuff covered in wood look contact paper or plastic wood. Real wood with dovetailed drawers.

It is a small bedroom, and we knew we could only buy one piece, not both. But we never did. We never had the money.

Today, I decided to go and buy one of the pieces. As I walked through the store I was afraid they no longer carried it but I finally found it and the sales person who assisted me was someone I knew. She pointed out a smaller dresser of the same design and color that was half the price! It will be a perfect match and I was able to buy a nightstand, too! Both were less that the larger dresser. I am so thrilled but so sorry Jerry and I could never afford it. And they will take up much less room than the current dresser and nightstand.

There is much I do not talk about here. There are so many things to regret. So very, very many. I try and not think about them. But it is difficult when faced with the quanity. I think the best I can do is tell you to spend it now. Do it now. Go there now. Whatever dreams you have together, make them right now. Because when one of you is gone, the other will suffer terrible regret, regret so deep and so painful that you can't sleep at night, you can't eat, you can't think of anything but what might have been, what is lost.

I can spend every penny I have doing all the things we wanted to do. Completing all the plans we made. But there is little joy in the thought and little joy in the doing.

Normally, I'd say watch your pennies, pay your bills, secure you future. But never mind. Instead, lose you mind now. Tomorrow won't be filled with regrets for what you missed or lost. You'll have warm foolish memories to fill the hollow places and let you smile through the tears.