Monday, November 30, 2009
Sunday, November 29, 2009
My holiday is over. I can't say I am sorry. I have to go back to work tomorrow. I've sat in my pj's all day, pain virtually everywhere, with every move. I try and think of a time when I didn't hurt. And I can't remember it. Years I think. And it gets worse.
I have been writing as hard as I could because frankly, I would really not like another loss at this point. It may seem a small thing but it matters. I have a wonderful group of writer friends who have encouraged and propped me up for weeks now. I have until midnight tomorrow. I'm tired, though and I don't know if I'll get there. They all agree I've accomplished much and should be proud of myself for getting so far under the circumstances. They're such nice people. One of the girls said in an email to me that she thought it was divine intervention that had brought the five of us together. Since I believe in such things, I suspect she is right.
As I write this post, I am sitting listening to Hillsong in the dark. I had hoped it would life my spirits. It didn't. I'm depressed because today, I realized that I don't love my life much. Despite it being Thanksgiving holiday, I'm not very thankful. At least, I don't think so. I've noticed that the rain finally began a short time ago. I should be thankful since it means the pain may lessen. I guess I'm grateful for being alive but how selfish is that? I'm grateful I am able to meet my financial obligations. But thankful? I'm not certain anymore what that entails. I've tried not to think about this aspect of my circumstances. I suspect what I feel is quite common. I've tried very hard for months to come to terms with it. I found that it doesn't help. It is very difficult to say "thank you" for a black hole that was created in my life. Everything is sucked into it and not even light can escape. I don't know how to say thanks to that.
Today, I sat down, overwhelmed by some ache when I tried to get out of my chair and the words tumbled out without my even realizing I was thinking it. "I hate my life." It was mostly whispered and as soon as I said it a light went off in my head and I recognized it as the truth. I try to never lie to anyone.... even myself. So, I don't love my life or anything much about it. I looked around because I did not want Mike to hear me say it. He worries so much anyway. And after he left for church, I managed to write some more and push it all away. But eventually, cracks opened up and I lost my hold on it all.
I've fallen apart at such stupid things and tonight, it was just about pain and how there was no comfort, no relief, and no one to just hold my hand. I never realized how important that is. And I never really knew how much Jerry did that. I remember him asking me to ask the doctor for something to stop it. And I got mad with him. Because I couldn't take a pill strong enough to relieve the pain that would allow me to remain conscious to live my life. I couldn't understand why he couldn't understand that. I didn't realize how much pain he was in as well. Still he sat close by, silent, while I struggled to deal with it.
Tonight I sit in a room that is approximately 9x10. The realization came to me tonight that all that matters of all that we do or say can be found within ten feet of you. And we usually stay close to what we love. But we don't notice it. It is silent and we don't really notice. Unless at some point it disappears. A void opens up.
I suppose the answer would be to look around and see what is within ten feet of where you sit right now. Reach out and grab it. Don't let go. If you do, it will begin to drift away, beyond your reach. Until you can't reach it anymore.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Writing hard for the next four days, I hope. Hands, arms, shoulders and neck are really giving me a hard time so we will see.
But I have some good ideas, thanks to Snowgoon (that's my pal, Doug, from NaNo and my writing group). I'm putting a character called Goon in my story. He gave me several insights to Goon last night on G-mail chat when he helped me brainstorm. I think my next story will be The Guy Who Said He Couldn't Write, in honor of Snowgoon. LOL. Actually, I've read what he is working on it is extremely good.
Catch you all later, I am sure. For those celebrating, Have a Happy Thanksgiving holiday. I will be having dinner with my family tomorrow evening.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
I've reached a point in my NaNo that I am probably not going to reach the target goal. I'm just below 29,000 and by Friday I should be at 45,000 if I intend to even have a hope of reaching the final word count. I'm not expecting it.
I have no plans for Thanksgiving except taking my kids out to eat at Golden Corral. We talked about Wednesday night going because my sister has to work on Thursday but I just heard she doesn't want to do that. So, not sure yet what the plan is. I'm not in a celebratory mood and really won't care if I can just have the whole day to write. I might be able to hit that target if I can do that.
I suppose I should put my tree up this weekend as I usually do but even that seems too much effort for me. The whole house needs a thorough cleaning and I need to get rid of a bunch of things. I find myself needing less and less. Or wanting less.
I'm going to get back to work. There is lots of paperwork here and it needs my attention. We got our new hire in and she's been doing some of my work until her case load is handed to her. It has been a great help to me.
I may get back in later but when I get home I am going to hit the writing hard again tonight. So, not sure what my plans will be.
Monday, November 23, 2009
I had a monster migraine yesterday and the pain in my neck and shoulder became unbearable. I went to church in the morning but went to bed afterward. I've had three "Imitrex" required migraines since November 2007. That is an improvement but I suspect that some days I should have taken a pill and didn't. I used to take at least nine of them in less than three months. I truly believe if I could get rid of this shoulder and arm pain, I'd feel a lot better. My shoulder and arm feels like this constant, day in and day out cramping bruise. It can trigger a headache at any moment. This morning I know that a migraine is just below the surface. I just get this feeling in my head and I know. I always feel pretty bad after a bad pain day. I know it is just the lack of rest that triggers a depressive state and I'll get through it but the ride is not fun.
I joined the Y on Saturday as I believe I already said but when I got done I was so exhausted I could hardly move. I will have to go back but it won't be tonight I suspect. I need to call and ask about getting help to use the weights so I can see if they will help with the muscle weakness.
I am only 10,000 words behind on my word count. Don't see how I can catch up unless something dramatic happens to fire off the befuddled synapses. I've just sort of given up on it but I keep writing, even a few hundred words, as I did last night.
I have to go now and finish getting ready for work. I have a ton of stuff waiting to be done and a short time to do it. I would like to go in today and have the energy just to get it done. It isn't impossible, just overwhelming. So, say prayers for me, cross fingers and toes, wish me luck, say more prayers. Whatever blessing for productivity you can throw at me, please do.
Friday, November 20, 2009
As usual I woke, shoulder hurting bad.
I dressed for my job, had coffee, too
But after I was done, I was still feeling blue.
My feet in my shoes, my hair in a bun
I knew that the day was off at a run,
I stopped to read blogs and mail
I grabbed my purse and for work set sail.
Long day ahead and five can't come too soon
Lunch is ahead but not until noon
Tonight I'm made plans for Little Caesars and Depp
After Becca and Sarah show up on my step
So think of me as you go thru your day
I'm chained to my desk in the usual way
Wishing I was I was home with pizza pies
With my fuzzy slippers on watching Depp with sighs.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
I have to write 7000 words tonight to even get close to the goal. I don't actually care if I reach 50,000 words anymore. I'll be happy to survive until the 30th.
I'm too tired to think about being depressed, sad, or anything else. I have been but it is just too much effort to really deal with at the moment.
Writer's meeting was nice. This is a really nice group of people. I like them all. This week was Sarah's and my week to be reviewed. We liked Sarah's story. They liked my story. We were all nearly brain dead so they may not have really liked it but thought they did.
Did I say I am tired?
Oh, yeah, I did.
Come along, Friday. Don't dawdle.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Hurt my arm last night tossing a shoe. Yes, just tossing it. Felt as if it was ripped out of my shoulder.
I overslept this morning and was nearly an hour late for work. Fires were burning when I arrived. I want to go back to bed.
I broke the 20,000 word count last night. I'm 6000 behind. I don't know if I want to write anymore.
Positives? My writing buddies are some of the brightest spots on my day at the moment, particularly my writing group. They are just so great.
I've bumped into some old friends on FB. Three in the last month. One of them, last night, a girl I was friends with about 12 years ago. I was glad to hear from her and we are going to get together for lunch as soon as I can get free of this conflagration.
That's all I have to say about that.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Like most people, I didn't realize then how devastating the loss of a spouse can be. Her husband has been dead far longer than the 10 months since mine died. She mentions my pastor, who also lost his wife not long after my friend lost her husband.
I share her words here because people often think things like "she should be past all this now" or "surely he's better now". They don't say it to your face. They just don't understand why you should still be harping on it. Why do you get all emotional after all this time? Why can't you get over the depression? This post is for you folks.
You told me you did not recommend that I read the things you write. At least you can write which you say helps you. I cannot do that but it helps knowing that how I feel is normal because others feel the same way I do. Bro Clement told me that he would not say that it would happen to me but he said for him it hasn't gotten any better. I feel the same. In fact it gets worse. I miss G@#$%#$% and need him more now than ever. I know some people say, "Life goes on and we have to accept it and move on" I wish it were that easy.
When we need our children the most they seem to be farther away. I did not understand how my mother felt and my children do not understand how I feel; how much I need them. At least I don't have to work for which I am thankful but I have to keep busy.
Some of my children want me to sell my house and move to an apartment. I ask one of my daughters (one which wants me to move) if her husband died would she sell her home, her furniture, everything he has worked for and move. She said, "No". I told her I felt the same way.
G@#$%#$% worked hard to get things for me and I am not ready to give them up. I have a friend here in O$%@#%@%^ who has lost her husband and she says she feels like no one cares about her. Her daughter does not help her. Her sister hasn't spoken to her for years. We can always find someone who is worse off than we are. We can thank God for the years we got to spend with our husbands and all the ways He has blessed us. I told a preacher the other day that G@#$%#$% wrote poems, played music and was such a blessing to everyone and God took him and left me and I can't do anything. Maybe that is why He left me, waiting for me to do something.
I have been having pain in my chest and I know it is from stress and worry. I had prayer the other night in Madisonville at a church service and I feel much better. If our children cared a little more for us it would really help but we can't do anything about that. Someday they will understand.
I'm praying for you because I know how hard it is just to get up every morning. Before I open my eyes I feel the weight of depression. I guess that is what the Bible means when it says to bear one another's burdens. We have to pray for each other. Love you
Look around you. There are people in this place. You may think they are "better". You may think they are "over it." They may look and act just fine. They aren't. It is likely they never will be. It doesn't get "better" (how I hate that word) or bearable.
You need to look at the ten people closest to you. One or more of them is going to die, whether it be your spouse, your child, your parent, a sibling, or your significant other. One of you will be in this place that I sit, that my friend sits. You should pray now for someone to be available when that happens. You do not want to do this alone.
I have said this before and I say it now. Most of us waste more than an hour a week on stupid things. If there is someone you know who is going through this kind of loss, make a point of calling. Use some of that wasted time to go to lunch, dinner, a movie, a drive in the country. You can't imagine how much it means, how much light it brings into their sphere of existence.
I thanked a young woman in my writing group the other day for taking time to chat with me. She is very sweet. She laughed and said I was "so silly." But for that brief period of time, I wasn't focused on the darkness that hovers around the edges. She also called one evening to see how things were going with my writing. I couldn't believe how thoughtful that was! She's a mother of young children who is working on her second book. She gave me 15 minutes and I felt so much better to be in the land of the living for that 15 minutes!
This past week while I was off was a mix of busyness and depression. As long as I was doing something or talking with someone or going somewhere, I was fine. Thursday was a beautiful day, sunny and the leaves just glowed. I went to lunch alone. I rode around about half an hour trying to figure out where to go so I wouldn't have to go home for a while. I finally stopped at Captain D's. It was a place Jerry and I liked to go. Most places are places we went together. My whole afternoon was thinking that I'd have been able to have lunch with Jerry. We could have gone for a drive after lunch. Instead, I went home and cried.
No, it doesn't get better. You don't recover. You just learn to breath underwater and you survive but it feels like you're drowning.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
I have had the worst headache today. The first in months actually. It just won't quit. Short of an imitrex, which I am always afraid to take when I am alone, I see no end in site. I'm going to bed soon and hope that sleep will cure it.
I didn't go to church this morning. I did go get stationery to make wedding invitations. And while I was out, I went to the Mid-month NaNo Party/Write-In. I had lunch with the writers there and I thought that might make the headache better since I had not eaten much. It got better briefly but came back with a vengance. I came home half an hour early and made the invitations and sent them to church with Mike for Sis. V. I am quite proud of them if I do say so. They looked really pretty. After he left, I had a brief meltdown. Altogether, not really a very good week.
I'm just so tired of all this pain. Jerry never understood it and wanted me to find a pill to help me and I couldn't. Some days he couldn't even hug me. I couldn't hold hands because my hands hurt most of the time.
Now, I am just very tired of it. It has done nothing but wreck my whole life. Everything decision I make has to be checked by what hurts. Can I do that? Will I be able to participate? Will I be able to be civil? Will that hurt me tomorrow? And usually, the answer is no, I can't. And if I ignore that, I pay a high price. I have to go to work tomorrow, no matter how badly this hurts because there is no one to take care of me.
Tonight, I just want it to all go away. I want to wake up in October 2008 and everything since not to have happened. I want Jerry to be in the next room getting ready for bed and I'm sitting here getting ready for NaNo 2008. I want to wake up and it all be a bad dream that I can put in a book that will end up a best seller and I won't ever have to work again.
Mostly, I want my life back. I want my husband back. I want time to back up one whole year and let me try and stop this nightmare from happening. I want God to say he made a mistake.
And fix it.
Mike called about church but I could not get up. Dave and Becca told me they were going to come here and go with me. They never showed up or I'd have let them take my car and take Mike. Mike couldn't get over here to take the car or I'd have let him go alone. I'm going to try and go tonight.
David leaves for the truck driving school today so he won't have to pretend he is going to go to church anymore. Don't know why folks don't just say, "I don't want to go to church." Save me a lot of hassle. I prefer that to excuses and lies.
There is NaNo Half-way Party today at Panera Bread at 1 p.m. I'm not halfway but I'd like to go if I can get to feeling better. I'm barely over 15,000. I"m writing here and there. I just have no real story here. At least, I haven't found the story. It is just a bunch of stuff.
I have to make some announcements for a lady in my church. I need to get those made this afternoon and get them to her tonight. Her granddaughter is getting married to one of the boys in our church and he is shipping out to Iraq Dec. 5. I think this is a hurried thing and I hope it goes well for them. He is 19 and she is 18. I hope they have a long and happy life.
Katey, sorry about no picture. I forgot! Imagine that. And your hair sounds as if it is naturally curly so I'm guessing you don't roll it. You might try some kind of hot rollers sometime as an experiment with a heat conditioner. My guess is it would tame the frizz for you. Bet is is very dry, too. I had a friend with hair like that. Try some super-duper hot oil treatments. I don't advocate perms because it damages hair but they do work for some folks, particularly if you have curly hair. Just find someone who actually knows what they are doing. Perms could damage dry hair terribly.
At any rate, I could fix hair like that in a snap! This straight as a board stuff requires tons of curlers, tons of pins, and tons of hair spray! By the time I'm done with this style I've been practicing, I'm afraid I'll set off the metal detectors in airports. Bit it is simple.
Should I do a video of how to put it up? That might be fun. I'll have to have Becca come over and do it for me.
Grammy, in my faith we don't usually cut our hair. I've always kept mine trimmed to keep the ends from becoming so ragged but it has always been about hip length. Breaks off bad if it goes longer. A few times, my husband messed up and it was shorter but not many. I am about to get a trim again. I'm having a hard time putting it up with my arms so sore and my neck bothering me. I really don't want it short but I have to take some length off so I can manage it better.
It is cold in here today and I'm going to bump the heat up. I was sweating when I woke up and that's odd. Not sure why. Maybe the blanket got too hot or I was having a hot flash. I did forget to put on my patch last night so it is possible. Oh, and the headache might be from that. Hmmm, better go get that on.
I'm closing for now. I want to get warm.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Just got my hair done. Tried something new today. I bought some bendable rollers at Sally's and dry rolled my hair last night. I thought if I could cut the setting time in any way, it will help. I'm not terribly pleased with the result but it isn't bad. It still took an hour to fix but I think if I just keep practicing like this it will get better. Maybe Friday nights should be my practice nights. I do need another set of the bendable rollers, and I think the next size up for one section. But, overall, it worked well.
My hair is really in terrible shape. I'm so thin on top that it is not easy to work with. You can see through it in some places. I do have a lot of hair coming in at the top sides of my head. All gray, thank you very much. But the top front still doesn't seem to be improving. The ends are really jagged and I need a trim so that's next on the agenda. I don't care much yet about the gray but I may get there. My hair is not the kind that looks good with a lot of gray. I either have to decide to go all gray or I have to get something that will give me something close to my own color. My color will be hard as I had a lot of blond, red highlights in my hair. I always liked the way it looked in certain lights cause it glinted nicely. All that is left these days is a mousy brown base color that appears very dull and boring to me.
I'm wayyyyy behind in NaNo. I am supposed to be at 25, 000 tomorrow. That is the halfway point. I'm oh, about 5000 behind. Story stinks. I'm tired of it already.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
In due time, he did pass away, and the two blondes kept their promise. They set off from Clearwater Beach with their uncle all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded him onto their rowboat.
After a while Bubbles said, "Do you think we're out far enough, Barbie?"
Barbie slipped over the side. Finding the water only knee deep, she said, "Nope, not yet, Bubbles." So they rowed a little farther out.
Again Bubbles asked Barbie, "Do you think we're out far enough now?"
Once again Barbie slipped over the side and almost immediately said, "No, this will never do; the water is only up to my chest."
So on they rowed and rowed and rowed, and finally Barbie slipped over the side and disappeared. Quite a bit of time went by, and poor Bubbles was really getting worried when suddenly Barbie broke the surface, gasping for breath.
"Well, is it deep enough yet, sis?"
"Yes, finally. Hand me the shovel."
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Actually, libraries may have this information about local writing groups. If you are from a fairly large, as in larger than Mayberry, city your library may host writing events. The local community colleges may also. Doing NaNo is a great way to meet local writers or people in your general area. There are over 100,000 people registered to participate this year alone. Go to the NaNo website and check the board for your region. My guess is that you will find someone who is participating within a short distance. Last year there were six of us who got together. This year, there are 20 who attended the first Write-in. There are 52 registered writers in my region. A good example for Grammy is the Dallas/Ft Worth area. There are 1028 pariticpants writing! They've logged in over a million words already!
The writing group I am in is comprised of five souls, one male and four females. We were thrown together by fate. I swear, it was just that. We vary in age from 53 to 30, with most of them in their mid to late 30's. We've discovered we actually like each other and for people who were total strangers when me met, that is astounding.
We met through our NaNoWriMo region forum I mentioned above. Sarah and I met in our regional forum when talking about upcoming Nano and she knew Kathy. I knew Doug from last year's NaNo write-in. We emailed one another and somewhere in there someone suggested meeting to talk writing and critique each other's work. I do not know where Katie came from but I think she was floating around somewhere in the group. We met the first time at Barnes and Noble and in the process of trying to find other places to meet, we decided I was in the middle and now we meet at my house.
It is working quite well I think. Most of us have NO experience professionally except maybe Sarah. Her book is with an agent. She said she has three rejections. I have had one article published in the early 90's in a defunct local Parents magazine. I've had one rejection from a submitted article. They say once you get a rejection, you are a writer. I can't tell you what makes one. I just know I write.
I guess the best advice is to look around. Find other people who share your interest in writing. Suggest getting together over coffee, at a bookstore or library to discuss writing and come right out and say you want to form a writer's group. Believe it or not, there are probably a lot of people wanting the same thing. Not all of them can write. . . or should, but if you find more than three, you're bound to get some talent.
It doesn't matter if you like the same kinds of writing. Doug does a specialized fantasy like Lord of the Rings without all the creatures. Katie writes romance. Sarah writes what she calls Urban Fantasy and that I've come to understand is like the Twilight series but she is into werewolves at the moment. Kathy like romantic suspense. I love mysteries. Five different writing styles and genres. We each bring something different to our critiques. Our discussions are focused around the work in question but we venture out on what makes a story work for each person, how to fix a certain problem. We all know something about what we are doing. We are all learning how to improve our own writing. We make suggestions, share ideas, and sometimes we talk about food! And we have a lot of fun in the process. It is sort of a win-win situation.
Grammy also pointed out that her local college didn't offer a writing course. This is sadly also a common finding. Larger universities tend to have special courses designed to focus on journalism or creative writing. Most colleges will have some kind of writing class but it you are looking just for a way to learn something new and enjoyable and polish a skill, well, those types of classes may not fit the bill.
I never took a single writing class until college. But I read everything I could on writing. The University of Southern Indiana had both creative writing classes and journalism classes. I took one creative writing class my last year. All other classes fell under the title of journalism. Journalism in most programs will fall under the Mass Communications label so if you don't find anything listed specifically under writing, look there.
Writer's Digest is a font of information on all kinds of writing stuff. You'll find creditable writing programs mentioned in their magazine and online. They have their own, I believe.
Finally, and again, read books about writing.
No... finally, write. Just write.
I would say if you are truly interested in writing or improving your writing, find a good writing program or class at a local college or got to the Writer's Digest website and find an on-line course. These will have an instructor that will be able to give you valuable input. You can learn a lot on your own with most of the links I've provided but feedback is invaluable.
I'm off to Starbucks to meet with a writing group member. We are both doing NaNo and we are getting together to brainstorm and do some writing. All fingers crossed, prayers going up, luck wished etc. I am flagging badly!
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
So, with that in mind, I'm signing off for now. I'll be back.... whenever. I have made the rounds to a few of you but not everyone. Lately, it has been hit or miss. I'm staying very busy and coming home and going to bed.
The weather is crazy. Warm, cloudy, intermittent sun followed by clouds and/or rain. Boring weather. Where is the blazing glow of autumn, the crisp morning air, the crackle of leaves underfoot?
Oh, I posted my newest word count on the main page counter. This is located in my welcome box under the NaNo logo on the left hand side of the page.
Thanks for your prayers for my friend and his daughter. She is better I think. She will be going to her Dad's for the holidays. Back for Spring semester with, I hope, a brighter outlook. I met with the two of them tonight to talk. She is a very beautiful girl. I gave her my number and email and told her even if she just needed to vent to to call me.
Catch you all later in the evening or week. Harvest Service is Saturday night. Will let you know how that come out.
Saturday, November 7, 2009
I am in the process now of getting my hair up and getting dressed. I will then sit and work on word count if time permits. I have to be at the Purse auction around 10:30 to take the desserts in. This will probably last through 1 or 2 o'clock. I will come back home and I HAVE to work on NaNo project.
The story is bogged down. Here it is so far.
Holly is awakened at 4 a.m. by two burly deputies. They got a call that a woman was being assaulted at that address. She says they are misinformed but after much insistence, tells them they are welcome to look around the property. She lives alone and didn't want them coming in so she agreed to check the house. (A lovely two story bungalow). She determine nothing has been broken into but is interrupted in her search by knocks on the back door. She finds the deputies there and they want her to come outside. She does as they ask and finds a woman lying on her back porch/deck By the amount of blood seeping between the planks, she assumes said woman is dead.
That is what I got the first day of Nano. I am seven days in and am supposed to be over 10,000 today.
She didn't think she knew the woman but finds out a few days later that it is the young woman who does her cleaning. When she was found she was dressed in a flowing nightgown and her hair was long and silky. this girl usually favored Goth and stringy locks. But she cleaned house really well.
That is where I am.
So, today I need IDEAS to flow from whatever source I can tap into.
I need to come up with some reasons for a lot of things. Why Holly's back porch? What was the girl doing there at 4 a.m. ?(Oh she died sometime between midnight and four) What's with the unusual garb... well, unusual for her?
See, can't figure where it is going. I hope, as in the past, it will come to me but I can't bank on it.
Ok, I'm gone to the mirror to work on locks.
Friday, November 6, 2009
I'm not taking my meds so early tonight. I do not want to get up at 6:30 in the morning. I'm on my way to Wal-mart to pick up a few items like milk and juice and bread. I never have any food in the house anymore. I couldn't cook a meal for three if I wanted to! But I do need some items. I'm going to try and spend some of the evening when I get back writing. It is just now 5 p.m. and I'm hoping I can get back her and shower and get started.
I have the purse auction tomorrow and have to get a desert tray. So, it was suggested I get something from Sam's Club and go with that. For a group of 60? We'll see. LOL.
So, off for now. May get by later but not sure. My favorite shows are back on Hulu tonight after several weeks of preempts on television. So, I'd like to watch some of that too.
Only two work days between me and the next weekend!
Thursday, November 5, 2009
By tomorrow I need to be at 10,000 words. You need 5,000 words every five days to make the end of month target. Taking the meds is helping me sleep but I'm just exhausted all the time lately. I wake up feeling ok but by 5 p.m. I'm really running on empty. Once I get the pills in me, by 8 p.m. I need a bed. So, that is where I am folks, lagging behind.
This week has been just terrible where work is concerned. We are all feeling it at work, too. Even my boss, who is usually pretty unflappable is stressed. This software issues, the normal work load has increased because of the firing but we do have a new girl hired. She doesn't start until the 15th but that is something anyway. We have to shift the caseloads around and it will move some off of me. But I'll still have landlord accounts, and I've been warned I am to be the point person for software in our department. I'm really tired of all the extra jobs but none of the extra perks.
Well, enough gripping. I'm thankful for a good job in a very bad economy so I'll hush. I just wish I could stop feeling tired so much. I can't enjoy anything. I'm even too tired to enjoy Sarah.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
.... been run over by a truck.
.... dragged through a hedge backward.
....been rode hard and put away wet.
....been hung out to dry.
....been turned inside out.
....yanked seven ways from Sunday.
....yanked through a knot hole.
....pulled through a wringer.
You may have some of your own. Please share them in the comments!
All I can say is.... what I said. I'm tired. Gotta find food and 2000 words tonight.
Sarah looked at her mother and said, "That's o.k. Mommie. You'll get it. Don't give up! You're doing a good job."
I understand that Becca instructed Sarah that it was time to retreat to another room.
So, what to do?
I am in the mood for Chinese I think but I hate to go alone to a nice restaurant.
I can't even write now and will just have to come back later. I am trying to hang on until next week. I have three days off and it will give me a whole 5 days of no work! Joy, joy!
Yesterday was so exhausting that when we got done I didn't think I would get through the two hours remaining hours until closing. Once home, I took my meds right away and watched one television show. I wrote for about an hour but did not reach my word count for the night because I was nearly falling asleep at the keyboard! I'm about 600 words short. But, I'm off three days next week and I am hoping to really get some serious work done then so I am ahead of the pack. There is a write in this Saturday but I have a purse auction to be at on Saturday as well and I think there is a time conflict. So, not sure I'll get to the write in.
Anyway, this morning, I'm giving the pain a level 2 again. Yesterday it wasn't bad either by by 10:00 I was dead on my feet and I didn't feel well. I am watching it today and see if that happens again. I don't know if some of my meds are doing it or if it is the fibro or RA. I've been taking these meds for several years and don't recall noticing that aspect before. Not to say it can't happen. I had to stop taking Lipitor when I began to have little known side effects. I'd been taking it nearly 2 years.
Honestly, I think my muscle problems are connected to that period of taking Lipitor. Just my opinion.
Well, since I feel pretty good at the moment, I am going to stop now and get my things ready for work. I was fully dressed and tresses up and had my buttered toast and coffee by 7 a.m. so I've got a bit of time to get my things sorted for work and relax a moment. Don't usually have that at all!
It is now 7:20 and the gloom is shows no signs of lifting. Jilly my flowers are STILL lovely! You got your money's worth my friend. I've had them a week today. LOL! Thank you again for brightening my birthday and my whole week.
Jilly, my sister - Stuck in the Middle, and aunt - Dixie's Aunt, cooked up the little plot. Hmmm, Plot of Flowers. Good title for a book. LOL, anyway, they plotted together and I have been blessed all week with the results = a beautiful blooming bouquet. When the flowers are gone, I'll have the cutes pot! It is covered in colored squares like a quilt and says Happy Birthday, each letter in a square!
So, the day begins on a positive note today. Pray for it to continue. The pain in my arms is probably giving me the most difficulty. I just can't life a certain way, not even a coffee cup!
Oh, do you remember me mentioning my writer friend and former instructor sometime back? He sent me a note yesterday that his only daughter was in hospital after attempting suicide. Please put her on your prayer list for God to touch her. I felt so terrible for him. He is way up north and she is here. I believe he is coming down this weekend when they tell him she is to be released. However, I know he must be going insane with worry. He mother is with her now. His own state of mind has not been that good in the last two years. He's had health problems of his own. I know they could both use the prayer. He makes it sound as if he is an agnostic or an atheist but sometimes, there is this sense that he wants someone to prove him wrong. I have refused to argue the point with him and I think that bugs him no end. But I know who can change things.
He'd be furious to I even mention all this but he is a dear friend but I am so concerned about him and his daughter. So pray for them both. If something happened to his daughter, I do not see him surviving that.
I'm off to work kiddies!
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
I'm very depressed this morning. I did write last night and am over 3000 words, which is where you want to be but I'm just so down I can't really think straight. I'm sleeping ok. Went to bed at 10:30 and that is early for me! I woke when the alarm went off at 6:30 without a problem so that must be the number of hours I need. The constant tiredness will come back in about two hours. I always feel I need to lie down after that.
Anyway, I'm off to be the wizard, granting wishes and doling out cash to the needy and the lazy. Well, not actually cash but you get the idea. It isn't the needy I mind about.
I wish I could go away again for about a week and sit in the sun. I truly miss the sun. I hate this cold so much. I never get truly warm and everything aches.
Monday, November 2, 2009
Actually, pain is very manageable this morning. Some in the shoulder and a bit in the wrist, hands, and knees but I'd say a 2 on the scale. I hope that last throughout the day. I am going to try and take the Doxepin for a few days and see how much it helps in the long term. I know the pain is the link to the exhaustion. I'm not nearly as tired when I've had a good sleep and pain levels go down.
If it continues to be a problem, I'll be calling for another cervical block to see if I can at least get several months rest.
Writing tonight is a must. Need to get at 10,000 by the weekend. By the 15th I have to be at 15,000 to stay on target. I'd like to be over that to give me wiggle room. So pray for plot bunnies to jump out at me from all directions! LOL, ttfn, everyone.
Jerry would be so excited for me. He wouldn't say much but he'd be in his chair and keep everyone out. I seem to miss him the most in the mornings and at night.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
All total, with our Municipal Liaison, there were 19 WriMos present. They varied in age from the 50's down to the early teens. NaNoWriMo also has a Young Writer's program where children can participate with a lower word count goal. One person brought their son and another brought her daughter. So, NaNo can be a family affair. The kids have a lower word count goal.
We had news coverage as well. The local Fox 7 News channel did lots of filming and talking with other participants. They asked for anyone willing to be tracked through the whole month. It appears they are going to do a feature after the end of November on one person from day one through the big finish on November 30th. Guess who they decided to follow for the next 30 days? Uh, yeah. Moi. I get to be on television. O.k. no pressure to reach my 50,000 words right? They want to be there when I cross the finish line. Anyone realize that the 30th is on a Monday? I got to finish early enough to get to bed to go to work the next morning!
My son asked why they picked me. I think it may have been because I mentioned I had thought I couldn't do it this year because of the kind of year I've had. I told him about Jerry dying and how it had impacted my writing in the last 10 months, to the point that I haven't done much but the blog. In fact, when I sat down I didn't have a clue. Not until the bell rang to start the first writing session did I even have an inkling.
Did I write anything at the meeting today? Why yes, I did. 2595 words in about 1 1/2 hrs. That's pretty good. Sarah, our ML, did a great job and we wrote in 30 minute spans. I think that was very helpful to get the word count. I may try the timer method at home. She used Tibetan chimes, very pretty sound. She was behind me the first time she stopped us and I nearly jumped out of my chair.
What did I write about? The news guy asked me that. Woman is awakened at 4 a.m. by pounding on her front door. Two policemen say they got a call that a woman was being assaulted at that address. Woman has no idea what they are talking about. She tells them to look around the property. She checks around inside the house. While she is doing that, they knock on the back door and when she goes down, they show her the body of a woman lying on her back porch... dead. She doesn't know the woman.
So, as the day winds down, I'm headed for a hot shower. Hands, arms and knees hurt pretty bad today. I was going to church but instead, I've taken my Doxepin and am planning to be in bed before 10 p.m. I'm calling my doctor tomorrow to get an updated prescription of that. I took it Thursday night and slept really well. I forgot how good a sleep I get with it.
I'll probably be posting a video blog, too but not sure. Stay tuned for more NaNo excitement. Same NaNo channel, same NaNo time... well, not so much. But you get the idea.