Wednesday, August 17, 2016


I found this in the papers I cleaned out a couple of months ago. There is no date but I suspect he was about Sarah's age (10).

Things like this were always important to me and so I hung on to them. No one else cares now but I'll put them all in a file with dozens of letters from family members, some who are already gone. Jerry kept some cards the boys gave him and I still have them. They were important to him, too. Whoever is left at the end of the day can put them all in the garbage.

I'm on the downhill side of my life and I've lost so many of the people who gave my life meaning. Going through the debris left in the wake of living often brings surprises. Running across such things brightens a moment of time.  A bright face seems to just appear, in a twinkling, blinking out before you can grab hold and pull it close.

 Life changes so quickly. You don't see it coming. You anticipate the joys but you can't anticipate the pain.

Just so you know, you won't always get love letters or phone calls. You won't always have someone to tell you they love you. In fact, some of the people who used to tell you will stop long before either of you leave the world. I love you very much.... How long? Only children can make that promise because for them life is long. For those of us who live long, we know nothing is forever. People change, love ends, life ends, and you can't change it or stop it.

So, finding treasures such as this will warm your heart or it may cut it out of you. They're still treasures. Keep them. And if you had one person loved you for even a short span of your life, you're a rich person.

Monday, August 15, 2016

More of the Same

Things have been rather slow since I got back from Arkansas. My RA has been at near peak performance for months and I've grown a bit weary of it. A good day here and there is never enough relief. The barrage of storms that continue to roll across S. Indiana are a constant source of pain and the pain keeps me exhausted.

They are once again going to adjust my Cpap machine to try and reduce my apnea events. Obviously, I'm having too many. Is this why I'm tired? Who knows. I'm in constant pain, usually moderately severe. I sleep in pain and I wake in pain. You don't rest like that. So, I don't know if the adjustment will help.

And no, the Humira has not helped. They said six months to see a change. I'm 3 months in. Very little improvement, if any, is noted. In fact, I see signs of things worsening. I'm gaining weight because I can barely walk most days and have less strength in my legs and arms. Jars present Olympic challenges. Any work performed robs me of days of energy.

Reading is difficult because concentration is bad. Writing is difficult for the same reason and my hands hurt. Sitting hurts my back after long periods but walking hurts my hips. I actually feel better mentally when I can get some exercise if joint pain doesn't make it impossible to bear.

This has been a year of hell. I'm not usually a quitter but I've stopped fighting. It isn't going to get better. I don't want to think about what it is going to become.

Tuesday, August 9, 2016


I used to have the most vivid dreams. They say we dream in black and white but I dreamed in color and I'd have the most interesting dreams. I stopped dreaming years ago for a very long time. I don't know why but probably due to my sleep disorder. To dream, you actually have to sleep well.

Not dreaming can't be good. They say it helps you work out problems and frustrations in your waking life. I think that is true and I miss my vivid dreams. Perhaps I still dream and they're just not memorable. After they started treating me for the sleep apnea I did start to have a few dreams but not very memorable ones or very vivid.

Until last night. I dreamed and the dream stuck with me after I woke up. It was quite vivid and for some reason disturbed me. It might be because there was so much confusion in the dream. Even now, as I write this post, I'm confused by it. Some of it fades but fortunately, I wrote it down. You can see it is filled with confusion.

In my dream I was going to a funeral, I think. I thought I was with someone (Daddy) and when I parked the car I told them I could find it when I came out. Then I was alone inside a huge church packed with black people and I thought a black person was dead. They all had on white hats and I remember they were singing but not the song.

At first, I was seated toward the back and high up but then I was near the front left on the end of the pew and two white women were seated on my right. The nearest was blond or gray haired. Beyond them were two people I knew, Loraine and Joseph. They used to live in town and moved to Nashville. I didn't know why they were in the church. Or my dream.

I suddenly had a tablet and had turned it on. I don't know why I had it but I was listening to something and the woman next to me told me to turn it off. She was very rude and then the woman next to her was snarling to turn it off. I was frustrated at getting caught with it on, even though I didn't understand why it was on in church. I told them I was trying to shut it down but didn't know how. I finally got it off but the woman said something ugly to me but I don't know what. She pointed out that Loraine and Joseph left and said it was my fault. I could see them walking up the sloping aisle of the church.

I started to leave but went back to tell the woman that she didn't know anything about me, who I was or what I'd been thru and then I felt bad for being nasty to her. I said that I didn't know her either and was sorry for being disruptive and left.

Outside it was pitch black but I saw Loraine and Joseph driving away. I was surrounded by woods. Cars were parked willy nilly around the woods and I couldn't find mine. I was getting panicky, using the emergency button on my key, hoping to set off the car alarm so I could find my car. I felt there were people going to their cars but didn't see anyone. I remembered telling someone I could find my car again.

Then it was daytime and the building was surrounded by parking areas. There was a creek and beyond it a parking area. In the light, I could see that there were parking areas all around. I kept walking trying to find my car, pointing the key and pushing the button. 

Then, I was on the street and it was lined with cars. I walked a moment or two and turned into another parking area. I stopped and dug out my phone and told someone to call home (who?) but saw it had all these games on it. 

I started deleting them until I realized I needed to call home and ask where the car was. Then I realized I didn't have my phone. It looked very weird with a small screen and was a pink color. I didn't know whose phone it was but I knew mine was in my purse. I handed the phone to someone (?) and began to dig in my purse.

I woke up.