Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts

Wednesday, August 17, 2016

Treasures

I found this in the papers I cleaned out a couple of months ago. There is no date but I suspect he was about Sarah's age (10).

Things like this were always important to me and so I hung on to them. No one else cares now but I'll put them all in a file with dozens of letters from family members, some who are already gone. Jerry kept some cards the boys gave him and I still have them. They were important to him, too. Whoever is left at the end of the day can put them all in the garbage.

I'm on the downhill side of my life and I've lost so many of the people who gave my life meaning. Going through the debris left in the wake of living often brings surprises. Running across such things brightens a moment of time.  A bright face seems to just appear, in a twinkling, blinking out before you can grab hold and pull it close.

 Life changes so quickly. You don't see it coming. You anticipate the joys but you can't anticipate the pain.

Just so you know, you won't always get love letters or phone calls. You won't always have someone to tell you they love you. In fact, some of the people who used to tell you will stop long before either of you leave the world. I love you very much.... How long? Only children can make that promise because for them life is long. For those of us who live long, we know nothing is forever. People change, love ends, life ends, and you can't change it or stop it.

So, finding treasures such as this will warm your heart or it may cut it out of you. They're still treasures. Keep them. And if you had one person loved you for even a short span of your life, you're a rich person.


Thursday, May 15, 2014

Take My Advice... or Not

Somewhere it was suggested good blog topic would be "Life's Biggest Mistakes". I'm not so sure. I mean, it isn't like talking about them will make them disappear or change me in some way. I can't reverse the procedure. And I discovered a long time ago that giving advice to people is generally a waste of time. They don't listen to you and in all likelihood, they have probably, somewhere on the internet, posted a blog about their own mistakes. 

I decided to "offer advice" instead. Now, when I tell you you should do this, I tell you from personal experience. I either wish I had done or I have done each of these. But you're not going to take my advice anyway. You can leave when you don't want to hear it anymore. 

1.  Don't get married before you're old enough to vote. Yes, I did but don't do as I do, do as I say. I was young but I'd had a fairly rough life by age 17 and was a lot more mature than the average 17 year old. I know everyone says that but in this case it's true. I lucked out and married a guy who treated me like a queen.  You might not be so lucky. So, just don't do it. You have plenty of time. There are a lot of things you need to do before you settle on one person. If it is the right person, you'll be married longer than you're single, so make those single years count and take your time.

2.  Exercise religiously. Start as young as possible. And don't stop because you go to college, you have kids, or you go to work. They're the reasons you need to keep doing it. I exercised all my life... until I started college at 31. I had two children and a husband and a full class load for five years and by the time I was done, I had a BA in history and 30 extra pounds. Don't stop. 

3.  Eat healthy now. You'll pay for it later. In spades. You can dig a grave with those spades. Remember the Ace of Spades is called the death card? Now you know why.

4.  Don't ever buy a new car. Really. It cost $30K and you drive it off the lot and it is now worth $25K. Buy a good used one and save the depreciation. Even major repairs are cheaper than a new car. Drive careful and insure it well. 

5.  In fact, don't ever buy new if used works just as well. Use appliances, furniture, clothes, toys, books. Anything. Save your money and waste nothing. You can travel on it later. Cause you're going to be in good shape from all that exercise and healthy eating, right?

6. Open a savings account and a Roth IRA NOW. Just do it. It is very important. You'll thank me in 20 years. Or at least write a memorial to me.

7.  Travel whenever you get an opportunity. Use the money you saved on the car and from buying second hand. Or just take cheap day trips somewhere you can drive in a few hours. See new things, sit down and relax. You may never get another chance to see something new.

8.  Buy a good tent and camping gear. Forget the campers. Tents are cheaper and if you're going to take the housework, you might as well stay home. Buy a good sleeping mat for the tent, preferably a firm, 4 inch pad. Your back will thank you. And when the world becomes a mad house, go to the forest for a week. Your spirit will thank you. And if the power goes out, there's an earthquake, or some other disaster you'll be equipped. You'll thank me then, too.

9.  Learn to cook over an open fire. The food will be the best you ever ate. When you're done, sit beside the embers and stare into them. You stomach will be full and your soul will be warmed. And in the event of that natural disaster, you'll be equipped.

10. Learn to garden and grow your own food. It taste better and is healthier for you. You will need to know this at some point in your life. 

11.  Learn to sew buttons on, put in a hem, and repair a seam. Yes, even if you're a man. You'll always be able to mend your clothes instead of paying exorbitant fees to have it done. Besides, those skills can also be used to sew up open wounds in a disaster. Well, you've been wanting a zombie apocalypse. You might as well be prepared.

12. Keep a fully stocked emergency kit. No, not for a disaster, for the kids.  But it is good you're thinking ahead. And the zombies,too, if you really believe that stuff.

13.  Take photos, real ones, of people you love, smiling, laughing faces. Frame them and surround yourself with them. When the power goes out and those digital things don't work or life goes dark, you can take them down and hold them close. 

14.  Always tell the truth, even when it hurts. Lies hurt worse. Lay hold of the truth and hang on for dear life. 

15.  Never blame someone else for your mistakes. Sometime, somewhere, someone will blame you for theirs. You' won't like it. 

16.  Never abuse those you love. You may wake up tomorrow and they are not there... or you may not wake up. Either way, someone has to live with the memories. Make good ones. If you can't do that, leave.  Better yet, don't get married or partner up and inflict you're stupidity anyone else. And if you're with someone like that, get out now. You can't fix them and it will only get worse.

17.  Never argue with your spouse or partner in front of your children. If that's too hard, don't have children.

18.  Never let the sun go down on your wrath. Always, before you go to sleep, every night, make sure you clear any animosity, resentment, and anger from your heart and mind. They rot overnight. Eventually, everyone will smell you. You'll smell yourself when everyone is gone.

19.  Always be willing to apologize, even if you're not wrong. You're not apologizing for being wrong. You're apologizing for participating in a conflict where someone got hurt. Pride is useless when you are wrong and pointless if you're right.

20. Always accept defeat with grace and dignity. People will remember you far longer than they will the winner.

21.  Attend church regularly. Pray regularly. Pay tithes and give offerings. Count your blessings. You can't out give God. And if you don't forget Him, He sure won't forget you. 

22. You get out of life as much as you put in. Put all you have into it. If you do it right, a six foot hole won't be able to contain it. 

There's probably more but this will do. Maybe I'll do another one someday. Or maybe you will.


Thursday, February 27, 2014

A Letter to the Lost One

Hi,

Not many people know this about me. I don't talk about it. I have only mentioned it in passing a few times in my whole life, when the subject came up. 

In 1978 Jerry and I were living in Germany. We had been married five years. We'd never managed to get pregnant during that time and since we suddenly had insurance, we went to have tests run. We were thinking about adopting but wanted to be sure first. One of my test was a God-awful biopsy. My doctor was a nice Indian man named Abrol. I liked him. Just as he was about to preform the test. He said, "This will be like a bee sting." 

That was a lie. It hurt so bad that I couldn't even scream. I just gasped. I remember that so clearly.

Shortly after the test was run, within weeks, I actually became pregnant. When I went back to my doctor and he said, "I hope your husband doesn't blame me for this." I cracked up, he blushed when he realize how it sounded, and the nurse gasped and said, "DR. ABROL!" Then we all laughed. I was so happy.

I had the usual sick feeling, no vomiting. I also got clumsy, actually fell a couple of times, and I had vision issues when I tried to read. The text would go blurry. I went for an exam and it didn't reveal anything wrong. Ten weeks later, they put me in the hospital because they thought I was going to miscarry.

I was so scared. Everyday they came to do a test to see if you were still alive. And every day I was frightened they'd come in and say, "No." Finally, about a week after my admission, they came in and said you were dead. 

I was devastated. Five years I'd waited and then, you were snatched away. 

I remember the Catholic chaplain coming into the ward and stopping by my bed. I was staring out the window, with silent tears running down my face. He sat down next to me and put his arm around my shoulders and talked to me. I do not remember what he said to me. I only remember how grateful I was for his presence.

They told me that they had to preform a D & C because you did not leave willingly. Afterward, I remember waking up and seeing your dad and asking, "Is it over?" He caught my hand and said, "Yes." I wept. I see it clear as a picture. Now that he's gone, I see a lot of things clear as day. 

For a long time I wondered if you were really dead at that point. Had they made a mistake?Did I actually have an abortion. And I cringe at the thought. Crazy, huh?

I always thought you were a girl. I don't know why. It just felt right. It still does. I don't know if you had blue eyes or green ones, if you would be left handed like me or right handed like him. For a long time I wondered such things. From time to time, I still do. Would you be a tomboy, like me? Or would you be a fine princess?

After I went home I cried for days and I had nightmares about losing you. In my dreams I'd be looking everywhere for you. For weeks. They gave me pills to help. I ended up flushing them down the toilet one day when I found myself considering taking the whole bottle. I decided if I could't get through it without pills then it wouldn't be worth the effort.

Never, in all these years have I stopped thinking about you. Oh, not like I did at first. But you come to my mind now and then and I wonder all over again, what kind of person you would have become. A doctor? A teacher? A famous author? Who would you have married? How many children would you have had? So many questions I would love to have answers to but you never had the chance to even form them.

Recently it occurred to me that at last he got to meet you. He knows the color of your hair, your eyes, and if you have dimples. I had no doubt that that would have been a joyous reunion. And I was jealous. Jealous that I never had the chance to hold you and rock you and sing to you. Jealous that I didn't get to see his face when you met for the first time. 

I hope they have photos in heaven and someone remembered to take that one.







Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Fading Flames

Mama, Aunt Phillis, Alice (my mother), and Daddy.
Mama and Daddy were my aunt and mother's parents.
I keep coming back to these old photos and studying them careful. This was taken the year I was born and what you see in this photo is what I always saw. Oh, there were terrible times and things I'd like to forget. Like everyone else, they did stupid things. They cried and got angry and depressed but if there are any good memories of my life, this photo reflects them. They always seemed to be laughing.

This image also reflects any gatherings of my family. We usually end up laughing at something and often it involves a story from the lives of one of these people or something one of us has done. We are a family of natural humorist. We are funny without trying to be funny. And we laugh most at ourselves.

This morning it occurred to me that this photo also depicts the three women who most profoundly affected my life and directed its  course. These women determined my outlook, my character and my goals. They made me most of who I am today, good and bad. I can't imagine what my life would have become without them. They gave me the strength to survive trials and turmoil and grief and continue laughing, even through tears. They gave me a desire to become more. I love them, each in a slightly different way but far more than any of them could guess.

Mama would say, "My Cindy can do anything." My aunt always says, "You are so smart." My mother always said, "I'm proud of you." I had no idea who they were talking about. I wanted to be like all of them to one degree or another. I wanted to love the way Mama loved. I wanted to be the kind of Godly women Mama and my aunt were. I wanted to be as beautiful as my mother, to have that presence that made heads turn when you enter a room. She drew people like moths to a flame. I always thought if I could have inherited the best qualities of these three women I could shake the world. I do not think I've ever approached that goal.

I can't say my mother and I were close. Her parents raised me but I still loved her, with bitterness and then, with resignation. I loved her humor, her laughter, and her singing. She had a beautiful voice and I loved riding in the car with her and listening to her and Mama sing gospel songs. They'd let us kids sing with them but those two voices were about as close to a heavenly choir that I've ever gotten. I loved her ability to go out job hunting at 8 and come back with a job at 10.

Put her in a crowded room with boring people and where she was standing would be a party. When she was a waitress her customers were the happiest in the room. It was not unusual for her to carry home $200 in tips for an evening's work and that was in the 70's. People just flocked to her and she reveled in that. When I was a little girl and she came home from time to time, I loved the moments when I was the focus of that dazzling smile and I felt the warmth of that flame. I was special for a little while and when she left, I always missed her.

Thursday I will see her one last time. The flame of my mother's life is extinguished. She's left me again.



Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Best Laid Plans

I did really try to make Monday a positive day. I started out thinking it would be better and I actually felt better until later this afternoon.

I'm generally a caring person and I tend to want to help people. I'm a sap for a good sob story and I usually take people at face value. That has never done me a single moment of good. I am the one who ends up with a metaphorical black eye while the other fella walks away with a smirk on their face because I was a schmuck.

I think I've finally learned a lesson that I believe God has been trying to teach me for a long time. Sometimes, no matter how much you love someone or care about them, if they don't want to be loved or cared about, nothing you can do will help them and it will never be enough in their eyes or it will never be what they want. The best you can do is throw in the towel and turn them over to whatever fate awaits them. These are the truly hopeless.

Every journey we take has a purpose and a point. Some of us recognize it right away while others take a bit longer. I do not believe in randomness or chance meetings. There is an ultimate destination and every person you encounter along the way means something to your journey. Perhaps the person will only have a slight impact on you but it matters. That person you bumped into as you left the store may have delayed you just seconds but that delay was important for some reason, for you or them. That person had some impact for some purpose you don't see. The detour you had to take prevented a delay that could have cost you or someone else something serious or took you on a route where you avoided a disaster.

My own experiences have proven this to me repeatedly. I know that in my case, there have been people placed in my path that were profoundly important that they be there. Many times I actually examine how every person I know has affected my life. It always surprises me. Some people I've run into, not because I was supposed to meet them, but because they were supposed to meet me. There is a subtle but profound difference in the two situations. I've had a couple of times in my life with I clearly knew I had been put in someone's path to be there for them, not for myself, but for them.

I believe God positions people in opportune places and times. That, just as he steers the stars, so too he steers our lives as much as we will let him. And he will go to great lengths to bring out the good in our life that he intended. But there are those, who no matter how much good comes their way, no matter how many good people reach out, no matter how many open doors they happen on, no matter how many sunny paths are laid at their feet... they will always choose something else. They will always take the path that looks easiest but which deprives them of something of value. And when failure comes, they will always place the blame on others.

 I do not understand it but I am at a place where I'm trying to accept it. I do not accept defeat easily. Those who know me know I do not give up on people I think are of value, in whom I see some potential good. But I'm there. I finally am at a place where I realize some people, by their own will, are not worth the effort it takes to help them.

 There is an old saying, "God helps them who help themselves." As my Mama used to say, it isn't in the Bible but it ought to be.