Showing posts with label holiday. Show all posts
Showing posts with label holiday. Show all posts

Thursday, January 5, 2023

First Post of 2023! Happy New Year!


 And here we are! A new year, 2023! My 2022 ended on a pleasant note. 

For months I've been battling a deadly fatigue. In November, on a return trip from Ohio to visit my son and family, I fell asleep at the wheel. I woke before disaster struck, but it terrified me. I didn't understand why I was so tired. On my trip there, I was so sleepyI could hardly stay awake but thought it was my allergy pill. It wasn't.

I kept thinking the sleepiness problem resulted from a new medication my doctor gave me and so kept moving meds around trying to find a solution. Nothing worked. When I say I was sleepy, I was falling asleep on my feet on some days. More than once I've had to tell my son, Mike, that I had to go to bed immediately and left the room. Once in bed, I pass out. So, after falling asleep at the wheel, I contacted my doctor. 

As of December, I knew I'd be going back to Ohio for a week and had to get to the bottom of it. I contacted my sleep apnea doctor, and they told me my "numbers" showed that my mask was leaking badly and since they recalled it, I needed to come in and get fitted for a new sleep mask. 

I did. After three days, I was no longer getting sleepy and was more alert. A trip to my Primary care doctors days later and she restructured my medication doses to night. Within a week, I felt amazing and could do things I could not do for months because I couldn't stay awake. I could even write the narrative for my church's Christmas program and record it so they could play it in the program. I couldn't believe the change.

December 26, I drove to Columbus, Ohio to spend a week there with Sarah, my granddaughter. We had a wonderful time visiting thrift stores, eating out, going to a movie and visiting the Conservatory there. She is amazing and such fun. It was like old times, when she lived with me. I didn't get to spend as much time with the rest of the family because they were in Florida on a vacation. (It's a long story, but Sarah was supposed to be somewhere else and it fell through and couldn't be added to the trip at the last minute. I was "babysitting".) 

When I drove home this past Tuesday, I left at 5 a.m. and the weather was horrendous. Pitch black and pouring rain. Traffic was difficult, but since it wasn't rush hour, not too bad. My biggest problem occurred because the lines on the highway were so worn I couldn't see them in the storm. Terrifying since there are no street lights on highways anymore. However, I took my time driving 60 mph. When I got to Cincinnati, traffic had worsened, but the rain was getting better and the sky lighter. I pulled off for breakfast around 7:30, just past Cincy. 

My next stop was about 80 miles from home. I stopped at Loves Truck Stop for a break and to get a drink. After that, I didn't stop again until I parked in my garage. It was around noon. 

The rest of this week has been a slower pace. I've cleaned a little each day. While I was away, Mike came and babysat my cats. I have three, in case you didn't know. He did a good job of keeping things tidy. However, dust and cat hair still rule when I'm not here. So, I've been cleaning one room at a time and washing rugs and vacuuming floors. Tomorrow, the living room and my bedroom are the last I have to do. 

So, here we are. A new year. I pray it will be a good one, but I hold little hope for the world. I trust in God to see me through. May He watch over you as well. 





Sunday, February 13, 2022

Another Annoying Week of No Car

 Here we are, mid-February. Tomorrow is Valentine's Day. I never have gotten anything for Valentine's Day since I was a child and my Daddy would bring in chocolate candy in little heart-shaped boxes for us. I always thought it so sweet. 

My husband did nothing like that. Not in 35 years of marriage. I think I got a card a few times. I shouldn't be surprised since I was the one who remembered all the birthdays, holidays, and anniversaries and sent the assorted cards and, if necessary, gifts. Still, it is one area I still find very hurtful. He never remembered it. 

My sons have bought me flowers a few times when they had money, and that was always nice. Happened maybe twice each in their lives. I only get birthday cards from my aunt and my sister. When they were small, my sister took them shopping for gifts for me on special occasions. Again, that was nice. I have a couple of nieces who have done some special things for me a few times. 

Ever wondered how it feels to be unimportant? Imagine never getting a card or gift from someone you love on special occasions. Imagine buying your own Christmas gift and wrapping it and putting it under the tree. Yep. Sure did. He wasn't very thoughtful in that way. I tried not to think about it. But he wasn't happy when I started unwrapping those gifts at Christmas and raving over my own purchases. He did get Christmas gifts, if he remembered, last minute, Christmas eve bathrobes because what I wanted was already gone and he didn't want to spend the money. I still own two of them. I bought him nice gifts for Father's Day, his birthday, and Christmas. That is something I can say. 

I've never told people that, but I'm kind of in a bad place these days. I'm tired of all the drama of my family. I'm tired of being treated like an idiot because I disagree with their opinions and ideas. I'm tired of being important when someone else needs something and forgotten the rest of the time. It has taken me a while to remember I lived 20 years with no children. It was less painful, and I was pretty happy. I love my kids and they've been a joy growing up. You don't realize the price will often be painful. 

In other news, I still have NO CAR! The title I mailed to the address the claims office gave me never got there and has not been returned. So no payment. I spent $40 to get a new title overnighted to me. I have to spend another $20 to ship the new title to the agent. It will NOT go through the USPS. It will go FedEx. What I've spent on the title alone I could have driven to Indianapolis, an 8hr round trip from my home. How hard is it for an envelope with a TWO TRACKING NUMBERS to be lost?

Lately, I've experienced a tremendous amount of joint pain and cramps. No idea why. I was off my meds for roughly 6 weeks while the insurance worked out my records. That triggered much of it. However, the cramps in my arms, legs, back, sides, etc are inexplicable. I should get back to the gym, but at the moment, I don't know if it would cause more harm than good. The muscle cramps are not good at all. 

My D levels were too high and they've taken me off all vitamins for now. Not sure what happened with that. It's happened twice over the years and I can't figure out why it happens. I suspect that it is another deficiency that is causing the issue. A med I take prevents absorption of D, but for it to jump up randomly is just not logical.

Anyway, we wait and see and recheck in a few months. I hope it remains at a normal level. If I don't have to take extra, that would be outstanding. 

Have a good week. Be kind. Call your mother. Or your dad. Or your aunts and uncles. Say nice things and mean it. 

I'm going to bed now. 


Wednesday, December 16, 2020

Mid-December Update: Life


 I'd like to say life has begun to return to normal. I'd like to but it hasn't. However, at my house, it seems the virus is in retreat. The fatigue is still a problem but since I have fibromyalgia, that isn't going to change except in intensity. I still have some coughing but it is one of those things where you hear the stuff breaking up in your chest. 

Even though I'm feeling better health wise, my mood is rather dark most days. I stopped listening to news over a year ago. I read online articles and I try to limit the agency reporting. The poison seeps in, and I get so angry. So, I'm going to need to cut off the sources of this. It is toxic. I'm a rather non-violent person and if I'm affected this deeply, I shudder to think how some more volatile folks are reacting. If they have mental issues, it will be even worse. 

I've had to shut this blog down to registered readers only because David's ex-wife took exception to my posts about Sarah's treatment in her home. If you have read this blog long, you know I rarely call out people and never by name. I guess if you cared enough, you could go digging and find it. I've deleted all photos of them, so that's not an issue. 

She claims it is all lies and is giving David problems. It is hilarious to me that David's first wife, while they had some issues over Sarah, she never really caused any problems for him and never attempted to, letting him stay in the apartment. He didn't in order for her to have a place to stay with Sarah. They worked it out and things settled down. The second wife got him to help buy her parents' home, and he's on that loan.Then she kicks him and Sarah out. So, he can't buy a house or a car as long as he's on that loan. The court has ordered her to take him off, but she's not done it because she can't afford the loan herself! He could not get a plate for his car in the state he's living in now because of this. He's making his car payment, which is included in the loan. And she's upset because I call a spade a spade. 

I'm sick of ugly people. She's lucky it isn't me. I would stop making that car payment. She could make the whole thing or get the loan squared away. 

Yes. I can be nasty. 

Anyway, it isn't my problem and David is not that kind of person. He'll go a long way to resolve it but I am concerned because he needs a place where he is and cannot do much. 

I'm putting up a Christmas tree this year. I'm spending a few days after Christmas at David & Tasha's house. She asked me to come! Can you believe that? Ex never actually invited me to their house, and she made sure she was home very little so she didn't have to entertain us. She managed the last year to avoid coming here at all. 

So, it is refreshing getting invited to my son's home. I spent hours at his house when he lived here with Becca and enjoyed it. Once Covid is under control, maybe I can spend more time visiting him and his new family. This lady seems nice, and she's got a sense of humor. Sarah really loves her, too. For that, I'm so very thankful. 

I guess I should stop here and actually do some work. I have a couple of chapters in my friend's book to read and edit for him. They were missing from my originals. I have a book I'm trying to read and have been for weeks! I couldn't read at all during my illness. I couldn't concentrate on anything at all, and even watching TV. was hard, too. 

Need to go now. I am really feeling down today. I need to decompress.

Wednesday, December 26, 2018

Ten Holidays

So, another Christmas done. I'm not sorry. I was blessed to have Becca, Sarah, and Madilyn with me and my sister came by for Christmas dinner. It was such fun watching Madi get so excited over the tree and presents. Sarah, of course, is an old hand at all that stuff and getting her excited is a lot harder. Of course, she had fewer gifts this year but she did get things she asked for and so I think she was fine with it.

Becca brought Madi over on the 23rd to stay until the 26th and we decided we'd get Madi's presents wrapped and under the tree after she went to bed. Sarah's were already there when they arrived.

Madi kept asking me where her presents were and I told her they'd be here "tomorrow", on Christmas Eve. I felt so sad because it was evident that this 3 yr old could understand that something was off with the presents. But she trusts me so she didn't really make a fuss.

Christmas Eve, when I came down the hall to the living room, Madi met me grinning and grabbed my hand. "Mawmaw, Santa brought me and you presents last night! Come and see!" I thought it was sweet she thought I was included in those presents. I wasn't but it wasn't about me anyway. She was vibrating with excitement and the rest of the day we struggled to keep her from opening them all. We showed her her name on them and spelled it out for her. She knew exactly which ones were hers. We did let her open two hoping to appease her but by sunset, we were done and we opened them.

Both girls seemed to enjoy their gifts. Sarah got her ITunes gift cards and bluetooth headset and books. Madi got the kind of things 3 yr olds get: PlayDoh, colors and coloring books, and baby doll stuff.

The girls went home tonight. Sarah to spend a few days with her mom before going back to school. I am home alone. As I took the photo of the tree, I thought of all the Christmases I've had alone since Jerry died. There have been 10 Thanksgivings, 10 Christmases, 10 New Years, 10 anniversaries, 10 Valentine's Days. Oh, some family have been here for the day here and there but always, at the end of the celebration, I sit in front of the tree and try to find a glimmer of something that feels like a holiday. Eventually, I think of all the Christmases that may lie ahead and well, we'll leave it there.

I'm not wallowing in pity. I had my annual grief cry today and visited Jerry at the cemetery. I stayed a long time and just sat in the car and listened to a podcast as I watched the grave stones in the VA cemetery. Some had wreaths, some had flowers and some had nothing. There were a few new graves. Jerry needs new flowers and I promised to bring them this week.  I don't know if it matters, actually, but it does to me.

It made me sad to see the forgotten ones. Once I wondered who'd put flowers on my grave regularly and realized that I'm the end. There will be no one left here for that. Well, if that ain't the story of my life. Of course, there won't be anyone to put them on his either. That's bothers me.









Friday, November 24, 2017

Fadings

I've been asking myself if I should let this blog just fade away. I rarely write here anymore and it seems wrong to just ignore it. I'm mostly on the writing blog or the faith-based one. I have tried to think how I could blend them but the reason the other two exist was that I didn't think it would work. I keep links to them in the headers of each blog so anyone can go to them from this one but honestly, I don't have that many readers. I'm not that interesting.

I'm doing much better this week. Starting the weekend I notice the muscles in my back were less sore and I could move my shoulders without a lot of pain. I also noticed that my sleep is much better than it has been in probably years. I'm less tired most days but do have bouts of extreme fatigue. I've learned to just go to bed and nap for a couple of hours. Sleeps makes it better.

My Thanksgiving holiday was relatively quiet. I spent the afternoon with Sarah's other grandparents. They invited us over and Sarah, Mike, and I went. We had a great lunch and I enjoyed just relaxing and talking. I made a banana pudding and carried that but it was nice not to have to do all that work. I would have been totally wiped out if I had had to deal with a holiday meal.

Holidays are not usually fun for me but at least it wasn't filled with the usual stress. I've spent today just sitting around reading, crocheting and listening to podcasts. I've come to really enjoy those and I can crochet and listen at the same time. Even my Kindle fire will read my book to me. 

I'll leave this for now. I started it a few days ago and forgot it. Doctor's appointment on Monday morning for them to follow up on my surgery. I"m hoping I'll be allowed to do a bit more.

Saturday, November 29, 2014

We Went Down To Georgia

 All times are Central despite our crossing over the time line to Eastern.


On Wednesday, we left left at 9 a.m. going down to Georgia. It was a cold day and the weather gloomy. We expected to arrive by 5 p.m. However, the expected 7 hour trip became something much longer. We didn't get there until nearly 8 p.m. We hit construction at the junction of I-65 and I-24 in Nashville, as we always have for the last four years. That slowed us about half an hour. Then, we were 34 miles from Chattanooga when traffic came to a virtual stop. If we moved at all it was between 10 and 30 miles an hour. It took us 2 hours to move 34 miles. As we rounded the last curve we saw the cause of the delay.

On the left hand side of the east bound highway the median was a large grassy section that slopped up to the interstate going in the opposite direction. An east-bound trailer hauling apples had turned over. I guess his load shifted as he rounded the curve too fast on the mountainous road. At any rate, there were thousands of applies lying in a pile next to the road. They'd managed to take all the empty boxes and pile them up on the incline of the median. I've never seen so many apples and was very tempted to roll down the window and ask for a sack full. I resisted. We continued on our way and made pretty good time from that point on. But then, it was already after 5 p.m.


We arrived without further incident. I did have a couple of hours where it felt as if I was riding with two five year olds, rather than a 35 year old and an 8 year old. Their voices were beginning to take on a similar whine. I had no cheese and wished again for apples.



Checking out the dolls.
Our Thanksgiving holiday was a lot of fun. Sarah was so excited to be there that she went from one to the other hugging and kissing them for some time. Poppy and Uncle Dale (who is actually Aunt Phillis) had a grand time with Sarah during the morning. A few times Poppy and Sarah appeared to be about the same age and they were having the best time of all. 


This actually worked in my favor. I was able to sit and relax and watch. They had decorated the house for Christmas and Sarah had presents under the tree. She got to open one gift a day and she loved that. 


Giving Amy a little attention
Sarah found my cousin's dolls and my aunt pulled them all out for Sarah to enjoy. Generally she doesn't care for dolls but these seem to captivate her and she played with them the whole time she was there. 

We celebrated communion at my Aunt and Uncle's house Thanksgiving morning. That was nice. I'd never seen that done before but I would encourage anyone to start that tradition.

Dinner was to be at 5 p.m. at my cousin, Dan's house. My aunt and I went early to help out, although, as it turned out, I was more of a referee than anything else. I sat at the bar and watched as the bout progressed.


Cousins: Janie, Me,
& Alexis
Dan and my aunt did all the cooking. Please do not ask them who did more or who the best cook is. I listened to the debate for about two hours. The argument was never settled to either of their satisfaction. I remain neural, although I felt a bit like I was back in the car with the 5 year olds.

I can vouch that both are excellent cooks . All the food was good... except the green beans and that is another argument that was not settled but rather depends on who you ask. Nothing was burned and there was tons of smoked turkey, ham, pork chops resembled steaks, dressing, Ford hook beans, potato salad, broccoli rice in a cheese sauce, mac and cheese, sweet potato casserole, and dessert. 
L-R: Uncle Dale, Garrett,
Aunt Phillis, Alexis, Me, Mike.
Front: L-R: Harper, Sarah


I may have forgotten something  but no one went away hungry. We took food home, except for green beans, and ate it the next day. It was still good.

There were probably a dozen of us at dinner. I didn't count but someone did take photos and I'm sure I'll get some more of those later. There are a couple here. I have no idea why Dan wasn't in the family photo. Probably cooking. Which segues into our next item of interest.


Friday we just spent time back at my aunt and uncle's house. No shopping for me. I don't do Black Friday anyway so wasn't disappointed. Sarah was able to play more and we even braved the outside. It had warmed up and was a beautiful sunny day in the back yard.


We debated coming home on Friday but I was concerned about the traffic issues on Black Friday. After Wednesday's problems, I wasn't in a hurry to deal with that again so soon. We waited and it was a good decision.

The traffic was not a problem except around Chattanooga and Nashville and even that was so tame Mike was able to navigate without any help at all. He's doing much better at it with each trip. 

We're always a bit nervous coming over the mountains. Not because the roads are bad, but the diesel trucks are problematic. They move too slow or too fast and you don't want to be in front of or behind them. But there isn't any place to go, so you bite your nails and stay as clear as possible. However, this time, there were not nearly as many as I've seen on weekdays.

Sarah slept for a couple of hours in the early morning, which made her trip less stressful. We stopped at Cracker Barrel at Clarksville, TN around 11 a.m. for lunch. This is about two hours from home. Sarah likes to shop there. She got a Ty Baby owl named Owlivier. He's rather cute but we now have a fairly well rounded zoo. She brought a whale back from Uncle Dale's garden. I bought another cape, a red one trimmed in black faux fur. Sarah said I look like Big Red Riding Hood. We are not amused... very much.

We finally were on the last leg of our journey. After we left we more or less counted the miles. I slipped the camera over the back seat to see if Sarah was excited about getting close to home. I'm not sure....





We made it back to Evansville from Atlanta around 2 p.m. Considering we got up at 5 a.m. and were on the road by 6 a.m. , we made relatively good time. Now, I'm going to bed. I hope you've all had a wonderful Thanksgiving.













Thursday, February 14, 2013

A Mish Mash of Maundering Melodrama

There are days when I totally forget my goal to post something every day. I've been going to work like a slave, plopping my butt in the chair and staying there until a specific amount of work is done. It is paying off for the moment but I don't know how long I can keep it up. I'm exhausted by the time I get home. And I'm annoyed because it has interfered with every plan I've made.

The only positive to this is that if I can do what I'm planning, I will be better off than I've been in a year. So, say a prayer that I can finish the items I have slated to finish by the 28th. Better yet, pray for no interruptions for the next two weeks. No phone calls, no walk-ins, no coworker catastrophes, and no boss ineptitude.

A real negative it that I've done none of the "real" writing I had planned. I'm simply too drained. I either read or I crochet, both of which requires minimal movement and occupies the brain in a way that decompresses me. Seriously, crochet is a very calming skill. You don't even have to be making anything important. A single stitch, four large skeins of your favorite color and a hook and you're set... for days if you want. If you hate it, you unravel it and make something else. When you're done, you don't remember what bugged you and you have a beautiful, warm wrap for the cold winter evenings with your favorite book.

I used to do quite a lot of crochet when the boys were small but got away from it. When Jerry died and I was cleaning out the closets I found this huge basket of yarn and some unfinished stuff. I also found one of those large popcorn tins filled with thread. So, I dragged it all out and once I started I realized that grief could be managed if you're under the influence of crochet. And now I'm making things like sweaters and dresses and shrugs! LOL, Sarah has at least 10 shrugs of various colors. A dress is nearly finished. I've made a friend a throw, am working on a afghan for Sarah, and another throw for someone else. It works.

Digression end.

But, no novel work and that ticks me off.

I leave for Atlanta Saturday. It is a six hour drive for me. I will return on Tuesday and go back to work on Thursday. Wednesday is a day of rest. David will be here while I'm gone. So, the house will be occupied by a 224 lb male with hands that can twist the head off a bull should you be so stupid as to break in. I once saw him shoot a mouse hiding beneath a chair in a lamp-lit bedroom with a pellet gun from 15 feet away. I told him he couldn't do it. He hit is twice and killed it. With something the size of a BB! He hit it twice! Oh, get over it. The mouse was trespassing. But while he owns no other firearms, he does have some other lethal weapons... silent ones.

Just sayin'.

I hope to relax during this jaunt. I'm carrying my Kindle, my laptop, crochet and my writing calendar. I need to just do the things I enjoy without anyone demanding something. My aunt and uncle will respect that. I'll have company and privacy. And she's a really good cook. . . with a dishwasher. I'll even load it!

The steroid course I was on has ended. I have had about three weeks without much pain and a brain that is operating at near normal levels. This week the hip is bugging me again. Not much, just reminding me that it is biding it's time. My back is really bothering me but I think this is because I've spent nearly a week sitting all day. I get up to talk with a client, check the mail, send a fax, return or get a file. I am in the very back of my office building. I have the longest jaunt to the files and front door. So I do get some activity. Some days I hate that walk to the front and will make the trip a dozen times before noon. On the plus side, if someone comes in and goes postal, I have the quickest escape route. The back door is just outside my door or I can shatter the window and step out. My car just 50 feet away.

I have no idea where that came from but it is always in my mind. We deal with some potentially unstable folks. Doesn't everyone these days?

I hate Valentines Day. I'm glad it is over.

Monday is another "holiday". I hesitate to call President's Day a holiday. It is not a Holy Day. It more aptly called an "honor day". I like that much better. I save my Holy Days for things that are truly worthy of the title.

And now, I'm going to bed. I've no idea what to call this post and recently read somewhere that titling blog post was a wasted effort. But I like catchy titles and I usually come up with good ones. Well, I think they're good.




Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Reaching The Pinnacle

Tuesday, second day of the work week when we look with relish at a past Monday and longing toward an approaching weekend. I basically envision myself climbing this steep cliff, hands bloodied, nails broken, gasping for breath and stretching to grasp the pinnacle of Wednesday and drag myself over the top so I can roll down the gentle, grassy slope to Friday evening.

I'm contemplating how on earth I can skip Wednesday and just get right to that slope.

Whatever. Week is not half done but I am.

I noticed the ticker at the bottom says I've topped 20,000. What? No trumpets? No parade? No ticker tape? No balloons, streamers, or cheers? Well.

Still, I like seeing stats. One thing I noticed right away was that my post from 2008 "A Little Bit of Gun History" had hits. This may seem random but if it does you live in a cave. I actually didn't remember writing it and had to do read it. I found it interesting but then questioned my sources. Really.

It has been a horrendous week for the people of Connecticut. And probably for most of the nation. I've avoided all news but a minimum number of articles reporting it. I'm not watching videos, tributes, and reading interviews with survivors. I have a six year old grand-daughter. I can't be dragged into the hell these parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and siblings are living. I simply can't. I see a shinning, smiling face with sparkling eyes of a bubbling little girl that holds my heart in her hands. I am totally incapable of dealing with this horror because her face is superimposed at every mention of this horrible disaster. The promise of Christmas has been obliterated for the survivors and there is no fixing it. I can only pray for them, pray for us all.

I still have no tree up. No decorations, either. I moved things around over the weekend with the help of my sons. We put the freezer in the garage. I am amazed at how much of a relief that was! I need it but it is such a nuisance to have in the house. I still have to clean out a closet for David. I'm planning on doing that this week. Unfortunately, the events of the weekend left me almost completely unable to move on Sunday. I pushed hard Thursday through Saturday to get this done, not stopping for much of anything. The price was pain that is not on any scale. I could barely walk at all Sunday and movement of any kind was misery. 

I bought stuff for our Christmas dinner. Thankfully, I have the weekend to prepare so it shouldn't be such a rush. I have to put up any decorations soon or I might as well not bother.

May I be perfectly honest? I really, really, really do not like holidays anymore. Truly. Even though I enjoy Sarah's excitement and pleasure I truly find them unbearably painful and tedious. I don't have anything to celebrate. I'm thankful for my family and my home and my job every day of the year but the memories I have of holidays are all bad and getting through November to February is just very hard.  

We don't even bother much with gifts anymore. I mean, I usually give the boys their gift in the form of money weeks before the holiday, at their request. They buy what they want. No one but my aunt generally buys me anything, maybe my sister who lives here, but other than that, I don't unwrap a thing. There is no one special for me to buy for but Sarah and I do that all the time anyway. So, in essence I'm putting myself through a grinder for nothing. It is very disheartening when all the things that sparkled and shone in your life is pretty much tarnished and rusted out and you no longer feel important to anyone. 

And with that, I'll stop. I have an hour to get my work done. It isn't enough. But tomorrow I will reach that pinnacle, Wednesday. I'll bandage the hands and drift down the hill... one hopes, to the weekend when I'll be off four days, work one and be off another four days. For that, I am truly thankful.



Monday, September 3, 2012

Rainy Day Monday

Labor Day. I'm ready to go to the church Labor Day Picnic. I have to pick up Sarah and Mike. No one else is going. If Sarah wasn't going, I'd stay home and do some much needed house work. It is, after all, labor day.

I've been going from room to room hunting things and finding that the problem is there is still too much STUFF! I want some space and order and I don't seem able to get there. Things still find their way into rooms and stay for no apparent reason. I need to find a place to start, and just do it. I did that a couple of years ago and tossed a lot of junk but this time, I seem to be stalled.

It is like some sort of transition step you take in the grief process, I guess. That one step is just a bit too high for me to reach. Sigh.

I've been experiencing that overwhelming hollowness again. The holidays are approaching but I hesitate to blame them. I  haven't even thought of Thanksgiving and Christmas. . . well, not much. I've been thinking about NaNoWriMo. I've been thinking about my son's impending divorce. I've been thinking about how much pain I've been having again. I've been thinking about how upsetting it is to be in chaos alone. Sigh.

All right, too much thinking.

I'm thinking about changing the name of my blog. I have done that one time and I've never been terribly happy with it. Boring.  But last night when I was downloading the missing blogs from the quickly dying Multiply I ran across one that is a snapshot of my life every single day. The title of that post was brilliant and I don't know why I didn't see it before. Well. . . I only write them once and move on so that could be why. Even the content of the post was such a snapshot of what I live that it was laughable. It isn't on this blog yet. I'll post it eventually. The name change you'll see probably sooner.

Maybe even today.


Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Memorial Day Weekend

Here's some of what went on at my house on Memorial Day Weekend. Must warn you... some of it isn't pretty... funny but not pretty.

Monday, May 28, 2012

Honor Where Honor Is Due


Today is Memorial Day for Americans. If you are an American, it is to the men and women of the United States Armed Forces you owe a debt of thanks for the rights you so adamantly demand, not some politician sitting in government offices. They have risked nothing on your behalf. If you lose these rights it will be entirely due to your own foolishness. 


Please honor a Veteran today, particularly those who died defending our nation. The cemeteries are filled with them. Those who died in battle did not set out to die but they did not turn from their fates. Soldiers know that there are some things worse than death and they stand between you and it.


"It is, in a way, an odd thing to honor those who died in
defense of our country in wars far away. The imagination
plays a trick. We see these soldiers in our mind as old and
wise. We see them as something like the Founding Fathers,
grave and gray-haired. But most of them were boys when they
died, they gave up two lives -- the one they were living and
the one they would have lived. When they died, they gave up
their chance to be husbands and fathers and grandfathers.
They gave up their chance to be revered old men. They gave
up everything for their county, for us. All we can do is
remember."

-- Ronald Wilson Reagan - Remarks at Veteran's Day ceremony, 
Arlington National Cemetery Arlington, Virginia, November 11, 1985

Sunday, May 13, 2012

My Party

Vacation ended with a thud. No, I didn't have barrels of fun. I enjoyed the canoe trip. I enjoyed seeing members of my family, including a new great niece and nephew. I visited Jerry's brother and sister on the way home.

It was nice to see them but Jerry's brother was so like him that it was a dagger to the heart. I thought I was going to die. I fell apart, embarrassingly so, and I've felt out of sync ever since Thursday, as if I've been thrown back in time. For two hours afterward I was simply unable to stand up and went to bed at the hotel, leaving Mike outside. Even today I'm barely able to function and I've had a migraine since Saturday.

Jerry's niece came home with us and is staying for a bit with Becca and Dave. I invited Becca and Kim to lunch yesterday because I thought it might make me feel better. I was going insane alone here in the house. Becca invited me to lunch today but called later and said she and Sarah would go to church this morning with me instead because she and Dave were fighting about something and so she couldn't invite me over today for lunch after all.

So, for the most part, I've spent yet another Mother's Day alone. Only Mike went to church with me and I took us to lunch. He's in the house but you'd never know it for the most part. He means well but conversations require concentration unless it is about t.v. or movies, we don't really talk a lot. The church did present a rose to every mother so I got a flower. No wake up smiles, no calls, no gifts, no cards, and oh... my youngest called late (probably after he got out of bed around 2 p.m.) to say he "didn't get the memo that today was Mother's Day and Happy Mother's Day." Odd, since his FB wall mentioned it yesterday. I'm a bit lower on the scale of importance than FB. There are people who think they have been in contact with me just because they do graffiti on virtual walls. You haven't.

I've learned since Jerry died that my worth for some is measured solely in dollars and cents...mine and how generous I am with it.

I go back to work tomorrow. To the real world, or at least what passes as real for me. Where people honestly don't care about me.

It's my party and I'll cry if I want to. . .you cry on yours when it happens to you.


Tuesday, February 14, 2012

My Valentine's Day Gift

My children bought me flowers and a box of candy for Valentine's Day. They are so pretty. It is a day that is particularly hard for widows. Think about it. Everyone around you is getting flowers and candy from their sweethearts and here you are in an office full of flowers with nothing. My daughter-in-law brought me mine just before I got off yesterday so I was the first to get flowers.