Let Me Tell You About 2025 ONE LAST TIME!

 There's a lot of blogging going on around here. I think I was frozen for a long time. Well, that's the thing. I wasn't thinking at all. My mind seemed to have locked up. I spent a long stretch of the last year crawling out of bills. Usually, I pay everything with little problem. Minor things like an oil change or a leaky sink. Life. 

Not 2024-2025. That was the year of blown tires and later replacing them all. Then there were electrical problems in the garage. Two mechanical breakdowns on the car. At the same time as the electrical. And last but certainly not least was sewer line repair. Yeah, that was fun but I saved $900 by digging the hole myself. Hey, don't knock it. I may be kind of old, but I'm not decrepit.

So, it was not the best years. 

There was my son's brain disease diagnosis that will require brain surgery and my sister's near foot amputation, and the fibro explosion that resulted from the stress of caring for two sick people consecutively. For now, that should finish out my 2025 year . The flare is now under control, and I'm so much better.

I went to the gym two days last week. Did eight miles on the bike each day. The next day, my leg assaulted me, and my lower back agreed. Well, it has been a bit since I went to the gym, but it's kind of hard to be in two places at once. And I've had the problem before, but it is annoying. Still, it will clear up... eventually. The back is being medicated today and feels better. 

My desk is covered with paperwork from the novel I'm working on. Various chapter outlines, character records I've compiled. There is more saved, but I only pull those when I'm working on it. I've gone over 66K since the 12th of November. It's a bit insane, but I'll take it. 

There are fifteen days left this year. I may just lock the door, turn off the lights, and keep my head down for the duration. 

I won't miss much about this year. I'll let you know about next year.

An Ordinary Month

Today is October 22nd, 2025. The time is 4:08 p.m. I am again dictating using the voice dictation on Windows 11. It works well, but you must be careful what you say, because it inserts every word it hears. And that may not be good in some cases. My last post mentioned my endocrinologist, then I wrote "Jesus". I didn't see Jesus. I saw Dr. Ayes, but he was Jewish. Very nice fella.

This morning I went to the lab and got the bloodwork he ordered. My iron, B12, and insulin were all normal. Nice to know. I'm waiting to see if my insurance will cover the shot he's requesting. 

Although my pain levels have decreased slightly, I have a lot of pain in my right hand, and my second finger is swollen. I can't straighten it as much as I could before I hurt it, and the pain extends all the way between my knuckles today. On Sunday, I couldn't use the first two fingers, and it hurt to move either of them. I don't think it's broken, but I think I dislocated it when I hurt it. It snapped back in and sounded like a rubber band. 

Yes, it's painful.

*******************************

Today is Friday, October 24th, 2025. I went to the Orthopedic Associates today to have my finger X-rayed to ensure I have not broken it. I have not had it broken.. I don't remember if I mentioned it in a previous post or not. Period. Last Saturday I moved a table I have in the living room. It's one of these little sea tables that you just pick up just about anywhere.. Mine came from Amazon. They don't weigh 10 pounds. Anyway, I just picked it up with one hand to move it away from the chair. And my second finger was  dislocated at the middle joint.

In case you're wondering, this is an excruciating experience. When I saw my finger was tilted to one side, I popped it back up. By the next morning, I could not use the first 2 fingers of my hand. The pain radiated from my finger. Down between the first and third fingers all the way to my wrist, and on the palm as well. It was excruciating.. I could pick nothing up. Could not make a fist. Could not brush my hair. I could not put a glove on to wash dishes. I am not blessed with a dishwasher.

This week has been unpleasant. Since the doctor pulled me off the anti-inflammatory meds, I have had all-encompassing pain throughout my body. The hand injury has made it worse because now the hand hurts and the wrist that was already hurting is worse. I would say I'm thankful it was just my right hand. I'm left handed. Since the injury to my shoulder a couple of years ago was repaired, and I had one arm for several months that was functional, I've realized that I am a lot more ambidextrous than I thought.

I digress. The trip to the ortho doctor was helpful because it let me know the finger was not broken and there didn't appear to be any damage. The doctor told me that if I did in fact dislocate it,. I probably just injured the soft tissue. He also explained to me that those with rheumatoid arthritis conditions often had weak connective tissue. He also told me it will take about three weeks to heal. I thanked him for both encouraging details.

So that's where we finish the week. I don't know about you, but it's one I'm glad to see gone. I've had miserable sleep and miserable days when I was awake. It's very hard to get comfortable in the bed when so much of your body hurts. I've had shoulder pain. I've had neck pain. My hands hurt. I wear elastic gloves at night to keep my hands from swelling, and that's probably the only thing that's kept the injured hand from swelling. During the day it swelled quite a bit, and I tried heat to help that. It didn't work, but it felt good.

I will say that the increase in Cymbalta seems to have helped some. I went back to a low dose (30mg) after I had a reaction to the higher dose (60mg). That pill was larger than the 30mg,  and two doctors said it might be the fillers used in the pill that I was reacting to. I don't know that. However, on the off chance that it was, I started taking two of the 30kg. After a week, I've had none of the side effects I experience with the larger pill. Lesson learned.

Once again, I am using the voice recognition software in Windows 11 to type this because my hand hurts. It works better than the previous version. So I will use this a lot more. I just can't type as well with these hands as I did in the past. Correcting things is not as effective as it was in the previous version. I say that because right now I'm using it in Windows Notepad. It's more like a DOS-based program that comes with your computer. And it works well in that app, except for corrections. I have to go back and manually do those. That's annoying. In the old version, I could tell it what to correct, and it would correct it. But this version seems to work more smoothly and effectively than the previous version. Corrections aside.

So, I will end this post today by saying: I'm not in as dark a place as I was last week. But it's still pretty dark. I'm tired of the pain. And it's been horrible. But don't mind me. Go out and have a good weekend.

Answers on a Cup

 For over two decades, I've lived in almost constant pain. Real, I can't move pain for over 20 yrs. It went from bad to worse. And some days, I tell God how very tired of it I am. I just want it to stop.

 It doesn't, and neither do I. 

I enjoy being here, but I hate being here on days when so much fog clouds my brain that I can't think, write, or wash dishes. Days when I can't hold my hairbrush, walk without feeling like there's gravel in my feet, bend my knees, or simply sit in a chair on pelvic bones that feel like they've been hammered. And then there's the nerve damage in my arm and the carpal tunnel in both hands. 

On those days, I'm not happy. I'm not mildly annoyed either. No. I'm so angry I could punch walls or scream. One would hurt me and the other would get me arrested.  I also want that annoying person to experience what I'm feeling so I can give them the same treatment I'm getting. 

So, I'm furious on those days and avoid contact with as many as I can, even my family. Being nice is the most difficult thing in the world on those days when pain is using a stone to pound me into the ground. 

Add all that to my family that experienced their own pain. For example, Mike had a kidney stone and then a stroke. Phyllis has her foot in a boot from a near amputation, and David was laid off (he got another job). All that happened in the last 60 days. 

We all got problems, right? 

But today, the pain is less. The sun is shining. And for the moment, the world has not intruded on my psyche. So, for today, as the cup says, I'll just be happy and hope tomorrow is the same. 

What am I saying! I hope the next two hours are the same! 

May your day be pain free. However, I am available to listen if you wish to rant, cry, or whine. Because we should never walk away from someone else's pain.  

 

Disobedience

 So, I just got done cleaning the garage! I could barely walk for over a week. I've had severe pain in every major joint and my hands. This pain wasn't caused by my fibro, because my OTC medication for it works well. 

No, the doctors removing my anti-inflammatory medication, Lodine caused this. They decided I could go to pain management. You know, narcotic painkillers. Not happening. I've been dealing with the results of that since February and it had become almost impossible to take the trash to the street. And God forbid I should have to get on the floor. It has been so depressing and stressful to not be able to do anything constructive. I've sat in the chair watching videos and reading when I could focus. 

Monday evening, I had to get on the floor to get something behind the computer. Y'all, I thought I was going to have to call someone for help. I could not get up. My knees were in so much pain and I couldn't lift myself. And I'm not the svelte 130 I was when I came to Evansville. I stayed on my knees and wondered who I could call. I remembered David is in town now and was off that day. So I considered calling him to come help me. 

Do you know how humiliating it is to have to call someone to help you off the floor? Can you even imagine how frustrating it is not to be able to just stand up? I decided that I could do it. 

I grabbed the desk chair and positioned my body in the seat, and got my feet under me. And that sounds much easier than it actually was at that time. Let me just say my knees were extremely unhappy with that decision. I managed to get up and had to immediately sit down in said chair. And yesterday, they paid me back in spades. Hips and knees united in a front to fell me with a swoop. I was in so much pain. I woke this morning in only moderately less pain.

So, how could I clean the garage today? 

I broke the unspoken rule that says do what the doctor says. I took an OTC naproxen. It is half the dose of my prescription. Within one hour, ALL my pain had abated to a one. Knees work fine. Feet don't hurt. Hands are not swollen and stiff. Shoulder doesn't hurt. Neck doesn't hurt. 

Yeah, I'm pretty annoyed, but there is nothing I can do about the doctor's orders. I just don't have to follow them. Their reasoning was "too much risk". I've been on it for 20 yrs. And two other meds I take have life-threatening risks. They have to monitor my eyes because of one of them. It can cause permanent blindness. 

I'm just thankful I feel better this afternoon. My morning looked bleak until I took that pill. 

Everything is a wreck, but the weather was nice.........

We had a week of beautiful weather last week and now we're back to rain and cold. The weekend was pretty bad in the mid-west and several states had tornados and fatalities. Thankfully, my crew and I were safe. In fact, the low pressure systems that caused the weather passed north of us, so the pain I was expecting did not happen. I'm so thrilled about that. 

I could go to church this morning and stay for the whole service. Admittedly, the service was shorter than usual, but it was good. 

Tomorrow is my biannual appointment with the eye specialist. I'm required to see them twice a year because the immuno-suppressant shot I take can cause blindness. So they do retina scans to make sure there are no problems. Should they find the medication has built up in the eye, I will have to stop taking it. That wouldn't be good either. 

Tonight, I'm feeling depressed. Got some issues I'm trying to work through. Found some repairs on the house that I can't ignore this time. The car has a warning light that came on yesterday that we don't know what it means. Mike took it and ran a scan for a code, but the machine showed nothing. The car manual says the code means a powertrain issue. If you know what that is, you know it's not good news. I can't seem to cut a break. I have almost got my finances back in some order for all this to drop on me. 

So, that's the way it is, Sunday, March 16th, 2025. Thank you, Mr. Cronkite. 

How Far?

Sometimes Life on the Ledge is quiet and uneventful. Other times, the ledge crumbles and you have to move back in order to keep from falling. This month, the ledge has been moving and shaking a fair bit and I'm exhausted trying to stay on my feet and far enough back to avoid a fall. 

I won't go into too much detail lest you think I need mental health care. Maybe I do. Sometimes I wonder if that would help, but I don't believe so. I remember seeing a grief counselor after Jerry died. I saw him for over a year. He was kind and talking to him helped me get rid of the toxic things; I think. When we knew our time was up, I remember one of my last visits. I told him I knew he couldn't help me, that this was something I had to do on my own. No amount of talking was going to fix it. I could have talked until I too died, but it wouldn't bring Jerry back or heal my heart. 

There's always another heartbreak, another tragedy, another grief. There is no end to them. By the time you recover, another comes round the bend. 

I often wonder how much the human psyche can endure before it cracks. Sometimes I think I'm the guinea pig for that experiment. The trek from one disaster to the next is arduous. I might get to rest between them, but not really. 

Today, I'm so tired. I don't want to go another step. I can't go back and going forward is just too much.  

It Fell

 

On Tuesday it fell. The axe mentioned in the previous post fell on Tuesday. The plug of my freezer, by some mysterious means, became free of it's electrical outlet and I lost an entire freezer of food. Ribs, pork chops, pork roast, chicken, 8 lbs of hamburger, several packages of fish, lots of frozen vegetables, some breakfast items, and frozen dinners. A full upright freezer of food gone. It was more than a month of meals. 

The bright side, if you can call it that, is that I could save the freezer. The weather has kept my garage a steady 100°. It probably took a couple of hours or less once the plug came free. The outlet is next to my garage door that leads into the house. It is possible we bumped the plug when some of us came in and pulled it free. We do not know how or when. I suspect it was without a couple of hours of my finding it since the garage was so heated. Whatever, we just know we lost $300-400 worth of food. 

In the mass confusion, I lost my key fob to the car. I panicked because that would be another $300-400. That sent me over the edge. I was afraid I had put it in the bags of food to throw away. So, had to unload all that bleeding meat and vegetables and check two bags. Couldn't find it. That meant at some point I had laid it down. I checked the house, the car, the garage, and no key.  The bags were to be moved but were heavy, and I could only manage a few inches. I looked down and on the floor lay my key fob. Why did I drop it? When did I drop it? I have no memory of the events at all.

I called Mike, and he agreed to come help me load the bags into the trunk of my car to take and dump it. 

Eventually, I calmed down, at least to a simmer. There is nothing I could do. I can't explain the how. I wish I knew the why. It's become exhausting to have a disaster of some sort happen every month. Every stinking month. For over a year now, I've had this kind of thing going on. I'm feeling as if Job may have been my father. 

My take away is that premonitions are real. And they are totally useless to prepare you. Their only value is to further stress you out once you know they're real. Here's the deal. I don't want to know the future, particularly if I can't affect a change on the negative aspects of it. It isn't a gift to know things. It is a curse.

Waiting for the Axe

Last week I felt my mood improving. I enjoyed getting out to cut the grass myself. Cleaning the garage gave me such a boost in morale, too, that I wanted to get back out the next day. I still have stuff to do in there, but it felt good to get rid of so much junk and I wanted to do more. The weather and my body didn't cooperate, but mentally, I was moving up.

So this week, why do I feel as if I'm waiting for some kind of explosion to happen behind me? The feeling that I'm sitting on the edge of a cliff with no safety rope or net is so profound I feel my heart racing just thinking about it. Think that is anxiety. I use all the tools I have to redirect myself, but I'm so stressed about ... nothing or at least, about something I feel coming but can't see!

Over the weekend I was in such terrible pain with my left shoulder and it has been a problem for months now. I told my doctor, and she talked about getting an MRI, but so far nothing. I'm sending a note via My Chart tonight to request they move on this. The pain is so horrible I can't use my arm when it flares up. I had the elbow surgery to help the nerve pain in my hand, but when this shoulder flares, the entire arm has nerve problems.

As usual, I made a note of the anxious feelings, so if something happens, there is a record of my premonition. I've had stuff like this all my life and it isn't funny when something happens and I couldn't prevent it. 

I drive more carefully, keep a closer check on the house, and wait for my phone to ring with bad new. I'll be elated when it doesn't happen. That rarely happens, the elation, I mean.

Today, the temperature was nearly 100°. That makes it impossible to do any outside work. I have to ration my time working in my yard because I may dig holes today and be flat of my back tomorrow. This year I wanted to plant flowers. I haven't done it for a couple of years. I wanted some tomatoes in pots but it hasn't happened. I managed to get bird feeders filled, and that has been enjoyable, particularly to the cats. They can sit for hours watching them. Well, if I didn't have to keep the curtains closed to block the heat. 

I shudder to see the next electric bill. I must remind folks that just because you went to +$15 and hour in pay, doesn't mean everyone did. Social Security folks got about $20 in cost-of-living increase. AND we pay for our medicare out of that. What, you didn't know medicare wasn't free? For many of us, there was actually no increase in income.

So, I'm done now. For the moment, I'll just sit back and see where the axe is going to fall. 

Life On The Ledge: Sometimes It's Crazy

Life happens here on the ledge and I'm sure, in that valley down below. On the ledge you constantly feel at any moment you could fall over the edge. 

Sarah's mom is moving back to town, and she is going to court to regain custody of Sarah. Sarah doesn't want to live with her dad anymore. Dad is my son. I really love my sons and I've hoped and prayed for them both all their lives. The situation is very sad now. He blames me for her mother trying to take her. In fact, "I planned and plotted this". I actually didn't, but I did not to interfere. I'd been seeing things I had concerns about and prayed for God to take steps. I had nothing to do with her mom's decision. He's not let her mother see Sarah for two years. So, I suppose if someone tried to prevent me from seeing my child, I'd take steps too. 

Wrong is wrong, even when it is my own. 

I've talked to Sarah, and she hates living with him. She loves her dad, but the wives became a problem for her. Sarah is not perfect and has difficulties. They knew she has problems, that she was in counseling for them, and on medication. That all stopped when she left here. She's placed on meds that weren't good for her, taken off meds that were, seeing a counselor who was besties with her then step mom. So, no chance of non-biased help. Then she kicked them to the curb, because she couldn't cope with Sarah's problems. Six months later new wife, new state, a new set of problems. Sarah, again taken off her ADD meds, given anti-depressants, taken off the vitamins she took, gained 15 lbs at least, is having periods lasting months but is told this is normal. No, it is not normal, and all this suggests a metabolic disorder that runs in the family. Yes, I've told EVERYONE. I know nothing, apparently.

We traveled to watch her baptized. She begged her dad to let her come visit (after her mom and my sister asked and were told no). He deigned to give her 3 days. They sent her home in hand-me-downs with one bra and two pair of underwear and flip-flops. Despite our sending her new dresses (they threw or gave away those because the new step doesn't like my style). 

Once in the car Sarah said, "I'm not going back there ever." We were dumfounded. And horrified by her demeanor. However, she's in tears and angrier than any kid I've ever seen. For weeks now, we've worked with her. She's on Ashwagandha for the hormonal problems and back on her vitamins. We can't get her in school because the school was told we kidnapped her. Not sure who spread that around. It isn't true. Her mother and dad share joint custody. 

We didn't think they would allow her to come here because they denied every request made. She simply refused to go back. The police said they can't force her to go back either. So, we have honored her wishes. However, her mom can't get health care for her right now because she is on a plan there and they're not taking her off. She goes to court on the 19th to request custody changes. After reviewing the State guidelines governing this case, I suspect it won't be a problem. In fact, according to the guidelines, he is in contempt of court. I'm disappointed in him because he wants to be a police officer. But if you can't obey the laws, you have no business trying to enforce them.

As for Sarah, after a week of the Ashwagandha and a trip to the gym, she seems to be better mood. I miss the smiling and laughing Sarah that I knew before she went away 2 yrs ago. She's lost that, but in the last two days, there is a glimpse of her. 

There is a list of things that went on that weekend, but I'm so glad we prayed before we arrived and that we prayed for our own tempers to remain calm and civil and be courteous. My family was slammed with personal attacks while we were there. Yet, everyone kept their cool and got through it. I'm not taking part in any further discussions or harangues from anyone about what happened. No one should make a child feel they count for nothing and that the parents' desires are paramount to the child's wellbeing. I don't care who they are. 

If you pray, pray for Sarah. She's what matters.

Mid-December Update: Life

 I'd like to say life has begun to return to normal. I'd like to but it hasn't. However, at my house, it seems the virus is in retreat. The fatigue is still a problem but since I have fibromyalgia, that isn't going to change except in intensity. I still have some coughing but it is one of those things where you hear the stuff breaking up in your chest. 

Even though I'm feeling better health wise, my mood is rather dark most days. I stopped listening to news over a year ago. I read online articles and I try to limit the agency reporting. The poison seeps in, and I get so angry. So, I'm going to need to cut off the sources of this. It is toxic. I'm a rather non-violent person and if I'm affected this deeply, I shudder to think how some more volatile folks are reacting. If they have mental issues, it will be even worse. 

I've had to shut this blog down to registered readers only because David's ex-wife took exception to my posts about Sarah's treatment in her home. If you have read this blog long, you know I rarely call out people and never by name. I guess if you cared enough, you could go digging and find it. I've deleted all photos of them, so that's not an issue. 

She claims it is all lies and is giving David problems. It is hilarious to me that David's first wife, while they had some issues over Sarah, she never really caused any problems for him and never attempted to, letting him stay in the apartment. He didn't in order for her to have a place to stay with Sarah. They worked it out and things settled down. The second wife got him to help buy her parents' home, and he's on that loan.Then she kicks him and Sarah out. So, he can't buy a house or a car as long as he's on that loan. The court has ordered her to take him off, but she's not done it because she can't afford the loan herself! He could not get a plate for his car in the state he's living in now because of this. He's making his car payment, which is included in the loan. And she's upset because I call a spade a spade. 

I'm sick of ugly people. She's lucky it isn't me. I would stop making that car payment. She could make the whole thing or get the loan squared away. 

Yes. I can be nasty. 

Anyway, it isn't my problem and David is not that kind of person. He'll go a long way to resolve it but I am concerned because he needs a place where he is and cannot do much. 

I'm putting up a Christmas tree this year. I'm spending a few days after Christmas at David & Tasha's house. She asked me to come! Can you believe that? Ex never actually invited me to their house, and she made sure she was home very little so she didn't have to entertain us. She managed the last year to avoid coming here at all. 

So, it is refreshing getting invited to my son's home. I spent hours at his house when he lived here with Becca and enjoyed it. Once Covid is under control, maybe I can spend more time visiting him and his new family. This lady seems nice, and she's got a sense of humor. Sarah really loves her, too. For that, I'm so very thankful. 

I guess I should stop here and actually do some work. I have a couple of chapters in my friend's book to read and edit for him. They were missing from my originals. I have a book I'm trying to read and have been for weeks! I couldn't read at all during my illness. I couldn't concentrate on anything at all, and even watching TV. was hard, too. 

Need to go now. I am really feeling down today. I need to decompress.

Dung On Toast

 So the cursed election is over and as usual, liberals are talking about "coming together" and "pulling together". Why? They didn't want it before. They don't care now. It makes excellent media content from a monumentally biased media to spread like dung on toast. I'm not eating it. 

These are the same morons who marched with vaginas on their heads, threatened to kill the president, held up bloody effigies of him, and burned down cities without batting an eye. The smack floating now is just more dung.

We're overrun with closet communist who aren't hiding anything from anyone with a brain. When my 14 yr old granddaughter, who never shown more than passing interest in the outcome of elections, says she's concerned about democrats winning, something is very wrong. 

But I won't bore you with my disgust with 50% of the human race. These dung producers are now in charge. Let's hope it happens quickly and they won't be too unhappy when they abolish the Bill of Rights or burn the Constitution. The ignorance of the current generation was a well-planned indoctrination of them. Russia told us in the 50s and 60s they'd do it this way. 

Mike is ill again with a cold. He sounds awful. No fevers this time. Of course, he tested negative 3 times for Covid from March through May. No point in having it checked again. He was horribly sick then and is no on inhalers from it. This past Monday, he started coughing and was not well. Thursday, I was sick with the same coughing and we both feel like trucks ran over us.

I started sweating on Sunday night. Had to shower and change clothes. I did the same on Monday. I weighed today and had lost a pound! I felt better, too. So good that I set about a gargantuan cleaning project for the den. By bed time I could hardly walk. I had a terrible night's sleep and woke up at 2 a.m. in all over pain. Went back to bed and was up a 8 a.m. I went back to bed at noon and slept till 2 p.m. I feel awful now. The rain started late this afternoon, and that's probably a factor in some of my pain. 

I have to clean and reorganize the living room this week and clean the two spare rooms for company. David and Sarah are coming next week with part of his new wife Tasha and son, Isaiah. 

I'm trying to get back on my feet with the exercise, but it hasn't gone well. I've never been so exhausted as I have been the last several months. I've worked out a couple of times a week for weeks. It won't happen this week, but I'm fine with it. I just wish I was doing as well as I was last winter. I lost nearly 20 lbs then. I've barely lost two in two months. It is so depressing. 

I'm headed to bed to see if I can get enough rest to make me feel better. I might have some real toast with butter before I go. And cinnamon/sugar!

Gloom, Despair, and Agony on Me

Returned from a quick trip to Ohio yesterday. We left Saturday to take Sarah to her Dad. He's moved there recently and since he has primary custody now, she'll live with him. It was so difficult to leave her. It didn't help that I was very sick. I kind of lost it as I was leaving.

I've had a toothache for the last week and by Saturday night it was horrible. My jaw hurt, all my teeth hurt, and the side of my head hurt. Wearing my glasses caused pain over my ear.

Earlier in the week, about last Wednesday, I found that beneath a bridge I have on the left side the gum had swelled. It is a tight fitting bridge, and the swelling presented as small bubbles and it was so painful. I thought I had something under it, but using floss there is difficult on a good day. This wasn't a good day. I needed to call the dentist, but the entire week was one disaster after another. I'm having so much pain walking that even taking the garbage to the street is difficult. Sarah and I both had this ennui and could not accomplish a thing. We didn't even pack until the night before and the morning we left!

We did clean house and do laundry so she could carry everything she needed. Dealing with all that is always exhausting. When I got home, I realized the act of packing for a move creates its own mess. I have to sweep and clean her room, make my bed, and it seems there is stuff everywhere. I'm glad I bug bombed while I was away. That's at least one thing I don't have to worry about for 6 months.

When I arrived home, I called my dentist and saw him on Monday afternoon. They looked and gave me a Z-Pack and referred me to an endodontist. I may need 2-3 root canals and I need a crown on the opposite side. The pain is from the right side, so at this point both sides of my mouth are giving me trouble. ALL my teeth and my jaws hurt. As of this morning, there is improvement, but not a lot.

Sarah began school in Ohio yesterday. They're doing 2 weeks online with limited attendance. After that, I believe they'll be going full time. I know she dreaded it, but I hope this will be a fresh start where she gets the help she needs. The environment is clearly better than the toxic one she was in for 8 months. Her Dad is working, but he's also job hunting for something full time. There are a tremendous number of opportunities there compared to Podunk, Arkansas. 

I'm exhausted from all the stuff I'm battling. My RA hasn't been too bad but my legs, my teeth, my fatigue, and my back have ganged up on me and coupled with the stress of Sarah leaving again, well, I'm worn out.

For now, I'll leave it there. I'm still very blessed. I just wish he would bless me with less pain. Of course, it could always be worse.

Miscellany

What an odd start to the week. I'm totally zoned out for some reason. I called in sick. I've got some kind of stomach bug. Grumpy stomach all day and frequent potty breaks. Not a lot of fun but it hasn't been too terrible. I've done a lot of reading of blogs and articles. Finally decided I should post something on my own blog but found my mind is just mush for some reason. I feel like someone cut the mooring line and I'm adrift on an isolated sea waiting for someone to come along and tow me back to shore.

Tomorrow begins the July 2014 Camp NanoWriMo. I'm rather excited but this mush brain is not a good sign. I am hoping that the Mibbit online write-ins are going to be well attended and helpful. They were last November.

My son and his wife came on over the weekend to pick up Sarah for the summer. Although I enjoyed seeing them and getting to hear him preach for the first time on Saturday night, it was also a sad time as I will not see my Sarah for five weeks. I'm sure I'll be fine but already, my day is dimmer and the summer seems a bit less interesting. By the time she returns, school will be starting and I'll only see her as time permits.

I've been doing laundry today as well. I didn't do any over the weekend becasue of company. At this way I'll have all bedding and towels washed before the writing starts and I won't have to worry about it.

I'm still worried about the looming retirement. Things are going to get very tight. But I'm hoping it won't be as bad as my imagination. Things seldom are but it is those outside of seldom that has me worried.

Posts about Camp activity will be on Writing My Life Away so I can keep things straight. Ofen have to remind myself "personal journal", "writing blog", "praise blog" so I can keep it straight. I'd just as soon lump it all together but for some reason, it doesn't work well. Just as well. But this blog thing is out of control. At least I'm writing all manner of stuff.

Going now. I'm going to check on some other forms of employment for September. Don't want to go back to work anywhere until mid September. That gives me time to relax, recover, and recoup.

Be careful outside. It is 92 here and that's just the temp, not the heat index.

One Step, Two Step

Once in the Atlanta International Airport I remember seeing someone going the wrong way on the automatic pedestrian walkways. The weren't making good progress.

There's no point in pretending. Some days are just going to be that kind of day.  You know, where you think you're doing great only to find, at the end of the day that you were moving backward all the time.

I have some personal matters to take care of and I simply don't have the time to do it. I can't get time off for anything except doctor's appointments. Today it struck me that everything seems to be working against me in accomplishing something positive. I'm taking two steps back for every one I take forward. 

Tonight I simply crashed when I realized I had two things that simply must be completed this week and tomorrow is Thursday. I need to be where there is a phone and I can talk without someone eavesdropping on my calls. I am across the hall from the supervisor and if I close my door, even a little, he will barge in without knocking. I don't know what he thinks I'm going to be doing but there have been a few times when I really wish I'd had my skirt up adjusting my pantyhose. I'd have a case then for sexual harassment because he does it frequently. We've caught him several times eavesdropping on conversations when he came down a hallway and stood around the corner of a room. 

What did you say? Oh, yes, he is.

Anyway, I'm feeling a bit hopeless about everything. I know that I'll feel better when the weekend arrives but I'm hoping that the weather won't punish me for it. It has done so every weekend for the last month or so. Hands are a bit better today but I'm putting something on them every four hours. I can't keep loading my system on this stuff. 

I sat and watched t.v. all evening. Totally wasted my time. I'm tired and feeling very stressed. I don't have an outlet for that. A few times I thought about writing. Once I went out and walked around looking at the plants in the back yard and wondered what I was thinking. I don't know. I like planting things and growing things. Once started I tend to go overboard. If I don't get some trellises up by the weekend, I'm going to have a mass of vines all over the place. The stuff is growing at an astounding rate.

I think I've got some sun sensitivity going on. I haven't really gotten blistered but I keep getting bright red and one of the side effects of metholtrexate is sun sensitivity. I'm not a happy camper. Everything I enjoy is being slowly taken away from me and it is very, very frustrating. 

I'm headed to bed now. I just decided to stop the depressing post and get some sleep. I'm tired and that's probably why I'm bummed. That and the fact that I have stuff I must get done yesterday!

Warm Monday

If you have been reading this blog long you know I have a nice little nook of a patio in my back yard where the house forms an L. It is a favorite spot of mine on warm evenings. This evening I'm sitting here enjoying the 71 degree weather. It was not a terribly sunny day but it was a warm day. For that I'm grateful.

I'm reading these books that I downloaded over the last year... no not all 400+. But I found several inspirational ones over a period of time and have never looked at them. Mainly because my reading taste are eclectic and I have a wide variety of things to read and I simply chose something else to read instead. I'll get to them all eventually. I started one yesterday and finished it today. I started the other today and will probably finish it tomorrow. They're relatively short. However, what I'm finding is they all are delivering the same message. Usually when I hear something three times I know it is important. So, I'm paying attention.

The only annoyance to this evening is my son's  ex-wife is being abusive again via text messages. It is a constant stream of cursing him, threatening him and abusive language. She wants to take their daughter and move away. However, they have joint custody and in Indiana, she has to get permission from the court to do this. He would not be able to see his daughter if she does this. He refuses to agree. So the end result is, she knows it probably won't happen and she's attempting to get him to threaten her or retaliate in kind. He just isn't that kind of person and has not done so. It is terrible because poor Sarah is a victim in all this. I had hoped her mother was a better person than all this. I was wrong. I love her like my family but her behavior is just atrocious.

I have pretty much realized this week that I can't continue to deal with certain things or people. I've got to find a way to get past it.

I'm done now. I'm going to do something else. I hope Tuesday is a pretty day.

Moving the Rocks on the Ledge

I got to work on time. I'm not where I was last Wednesday, but I'm still battling some fatigue. Not as much. I've got some dizziness as well. One ear is really ringing. So why one ear? I have congestion in my head, so maybe that's it. But wonder of wonders... very little pain elsewhere. Praise God! Dealing with one thing is way easier than a half dozen.

I'm job hunting. No, they didn't lay me off. In fact, I just got my evaluation and my job performance was 100%. However, he gave me an 85 for my attendance. Don't know why since I'm only out on vacations and if I'm sick. I've had a lot of issues this year with illness, but I use the sick time I'm allotted and I only get two weeks a year. And I usually have sick time to take so if I was abusing it, how could that be? Of course, this is the same person who can't figure out how to fix a paper jam in his printer.

I'm working on my outlook. I've been so busy feeling awful that it's pretty hard to see anything but gray skies. I watched some video's this weekend by Beth Moore. I've got one of her books and I really love it. She's a Christian speaker, and she's amazing. Anyway, I watched a video When Life has you Paralyzed. I have to say it was meant for me. I've also been reading a book called The Secret Place. Both have been what I needed to hear while I was sick.

I'm also about to limit my extracurricular activities to things that matter most. I am spreading myself too thin and doing things that do not push me in the right direction. That's got to stop. A lot of things are just excuses not to do something else. Mostly, I am trying to change myself and surround myself with the things that build me up. I realize that this means removing things.

There is so much that is empty in what we do, what I do. I don't want that anymore. It is making me unhappy. Some of my "fun" things are a waste of time and really going nowhere. Some things I think I have to do are boring and really unnecessary. Some things I'm doing out of habit are time stealers. And I don't like my job anymore.

So job hunting. Removing the bad habits. Stopping wasting my time on dead-end pursuits. Will I accomplish them all? If I can get one thing done, I suspect it would help with the others. We'll see.

I'm going to try a go to the Y two or three times a week. That's hard for me because I'm really tired in the evenings. It will cut into internet time but that's one of those dead end things so I'm trying to reorganize how much I spend there. I've done less mindless internet stuff this past week than usual. So, I've started. We'll see.

Writing is a priority. I'm working on doing more but not hard enough. Rather than talk about writing, I want to write. The blog may morph again soon or I may start a new one with a different goal. Lots of ideas churning around because I couldn't do much but sit and stare out.

The title I thought sums it up. I'll be posting the usual about Life here on the Ledge.

Rainy Day Monday

Labor Day. I'm ready to go to the church Labor Day Picnic. I have to pick up Sarah and Mike. No one else is going. If Sarah wasn't going, I'd stay home and do some much needed house work. It is, after all, labor day.

I've been going from room to room hunting things and finding that the problem is there is still too much STUFF! I want some space and order and I don't seem able to get there. Things still find their way into rooms and stay for no apparent reason. I need to find a place to start, and just do it. I did that a couple of years ago and tossed a lot of junk but this time, I seem to be stalled.

It is like some sort of transition step you take in the grief process, I guess. That one step is just a bit too high for me to reach. Sigh.

I've been experiencing that overwhelming hollowness again. The holidays are approaching but I hesitate to blame them. I  haven't even thought of Thanksgiving and Christmas. . . well, not much. I've been thinking about NaNoWriMo. I've been thinking about my son's impending divorce. I've been thinking about how much pain I've been having again. I've been thinking about how upsetting it is to be in chaos alone. Sigh.

All right, too much thinking.

I'm thinking about changing the name of my blog. I have done that one time and I've never been terribly happy with it. Boring.  But last night when I was downloading the missing blogs from the quickly dying Multiply I ran across one that is a snapshot of my life every single day. The title of that post was brilliant and I don't know why I didn't see it before. Well. . . I only write them once and move on so that could be why. Even the content of the post was such a snapshot of what I live that it was laughable. It isn't on this blog yet. I'll post it eventually. The name change you'll see probably sooner.

Maybe even today.

Life from the Bottom

Sometimes it is necessary to make changes that are not easy but necessary. We fill our lives with things that weigh us down and slow us, usually with the best intentions. All other decisions seem hinged on these weightier items that have little merit. I've found myself there this week.

Friday I posted a blog on the Writer's Asylum blog that I was effectively dissolving the group. You can read it if you like. One member didn't receive it well but it isn't something I'm overly concerned about. I understand why she was upset but the reason for the group to exist simply disappeared. It no longer functioned. They can certainly keep meeting to chat if they like. But it isn't a writing group anymore.

I was relieved. Isn't that odd? Maybe not. It no longer provided me with an incentive to write. I've known that for several months. But I kept hoping the energy would return and we'd get back on track. When it didn't happen, I knew it was time to make a change. So, no more Writer's Asylum. 

I don't know if I'll look for another group or not. I don't think so. I am going to keep trying to work on my story. I may use the now free Thursday nights just for writing time. For now, several FB/NaNo friends are in my WRoE group. I'm not sure where that's going. We're meeting online and it's nice to talk with someone about writing but ultimately, I need to be writing and not just talking. That is what the WRoE is about, writing. 

The truth is that I am in an odd place where the things I have been interested in no longer appeal to me. I thought that maybe I need to move myself in a new direction. But change isn't easy for me. I don't like change. It makes me uncomfortable and stressed. Not all change is bad but it doesn't seem to matter where I'm concerned. I want things to stay as they were before. It is impossible. The nature of life is change. It comes whether you're prepared or not. I'm not. It's here. 

I went with my friend Carolyn to the Home Show yesterday and we went to lunch afterward. I saw lots of beautiful things for the house but unless I win a million they are just not going to appear. It was  a nice day but my hip simply gave me a horrible time as the day progressed. The concrete floors in the stadium are just bad on my back and legs. Once I got home I was so tired.

Today, Sunday, was a really terrible day. I felt awful when I got up, aching and hurting everywhere and I simply was exhausted. I watched some music videos and then had this terrible relapse and I cried for hours. I went back to bed at 3 p.m. and slept until nearly 6 p.m. I've been sitting in a chair all day. And I'm still tired. I'm headed for bed in just a few minutes.

I don't like living this way. It is not living. It is existing. There is not one day I can point to in the last three years that I was happy or content with my life. I can't single a day out as special or important. They are a blur that I can't actually remember much about unless I read the blogs. I have found that just sitting here and looking at stuff on the computer is acceptable and time passes without notice for the most part without any emotion interfering. It is an entertaining narcotic. I work hard. I come home and sit down and before I realize it it is bedtime. And another day arrives unnoticed. Time moves past without making any impact other than a sense of loss.

I still don't want to go out or see anyone much. Every trip is forced and tiring. I don't even want to leave the room I'm camped in at times. I could actually move the necessary items into one room and never go into the rest of the house unless I needed something. 

No one comes here very often but Mike. Even Sarah doesn't come over much anymore. But I've learned to adapt to the isolation relatively well. I no longer look for anyone to come. I no longer extend invitations and I find something to direct my attention to so I don't think about it. 

I'm thinking about disconnecting my land line all together. I have no real need for it. The only calls I get are from my children to ask for something. I have my cell. My aunt usually calls that. And that's all the calls that come in. If I could live on Jerry's pension, I'd quit my job tomorrow and never leave this house again. I wouldn't care. 

I had this realization today that if something happened to me here in the house and no one wanted something from me, I would not be found for days or until someone at work stared looking for me if it was a work day. That wouldn't happen until nearly noon and then they would just call the house. The boss might ask Carolyn and she'd try and get my kids but I doubt she has anyone's number anymore, they change them so often. If I was in the yard, no one would notice as there are no people ever around here.

I thought I should go and sit on the porch today. It was warm out and sunny and it seemed like a good idea. It required something from me I didn't have to give. So I stayed here, in front of the computer until I went to back to bed. 

For a moment today I considered calling and getting the t.v. cable reconnected but I know that if...when I do that, I really won't leave the house anymore. There won't be a need. I looked for possible vacation packages, even just a weekend away. I didn't do anything because I think I'm probably not  physically able to do the kind of things I'd enjoy. I see no sense on paying for a hotel room to just sit and watch t.v. in because I can't walk or I'm too tired. I even checked out a writer's workshop in Mobile, my hometown. I had no idea where to start and after a few minutes it was simply not of interest.

So I sat here and did nothing. I didn't read except stuff I ran across. I watched videos and t.v. shows. Oh and slept nearly 3 hrs. Now I'm going back to bed. I have to work tomorrow.