How Far?

Sometimes Life on the Ledge is quiet and uneventful. Other times, the ledge crumbles and you have to move back in order to keep from falling. This month, the ledge has been moving and shaking a fair bit and I'm exhausted trying to stay on my feet and far enough back to avoid a fall. 

I won't go into too much detail lest you think I need mental health care. Maybe I do. Sometimes I wonder if that would help, but I don't believe so. I remember seeing a grief counselor after Jerry died. I saw him for over a year. He was kind and talking to him helped me get rid of the toxic things; I think. When we knew our time was up, I remember one of my last visits. I told him I knew he couldn't help me, that this was something I had to do on my own. No amount of talking was going to fix it. I could have talked until I too died, but it wouldn't bring Jerry back or heal my heart. 

There's always another heartbreak, another tragedy, another grief. There is no end to them. By the time you recover, another comes round the bend. 

I often wonder how much the human psyche can endure before it cracks. Sometimes I think I'm the guinea pig for that experiment. The trek from one disaster to the next is arduous. I might get to rest between them, but not really. 

Today, I'm so tired. I don't want to go another step. I can't go back and going forward is just too much.