Saturday, October 31, 2009

Good-by October, Hello NaNo

I am very depressed tonight. I've had far too much chocolate for one thing. It is why I seldom bring it into the house anymore. I just eat and eat it.

NaNoWriMo starts in about three hours and I'm not sure where I'm going with this. It is as if I am walled in and can't see, hear, or feel anything. I don't like it. I have lost so much in the last ten months. Most of it I can't remember.

I said once that I felt as if I were being pulled into the grave with Jerry. There is still that sense of a weight around me that I can't shake. Always the phrase that spins round and round in my head is "I want my life back. I want my life back. I want my life back." It is the sound a train makes as it travels along, or the sound a car makes on those long concrete roads, the sound a rocking chair makes as it rocks on old floors. Eventually, you are just lulled to sleep.

When he began to get so sick, and I failed to see it at the time, I was saying the same thing. I want my life back. He was never awake, never there when it mattered. He was missing so much of our life, of the boys, of Sarah. I saw what it was doing to him but couldn't ever seem to connect it with anything that made sense. I wanted OUR life back. I wanted him to be normal again. I wanted us to be normal. I wanted him to BE him. How could I have missed it all that time? How? Guess it doesn't matter anymore.

November 1 will be here soon. I don't shatter into a million pieces anymore... well, not very often. I don't become ill. . . very often. I don't break down.... very often. There are trade offs, however. I can't think. I can't really afford to feel anything. I avoid memories that otherwise might be pleasant. I don't talk about it more than absolutely necessary. But I can walk through my day with reasonable calm and get home totally wasted from exhaustion. Maintaining a facade is a lot of work.

I believe I've said before that I've always had a knack for acting. Wanted to be an actress growing up. I used to do lots of school plays before high school and did a few church plays as an adult. I was very good at it. Now it is paying off. I pretend my life is normal. I pretend I'm just peachy. I pretend I can function as usual. Everything is copacetic. Jerry used that word a lot in the military. Very satisfactory. Actually, everything is closer to snafu. Situation normal, all fouled up. My life.

So, I will attend the NaNo kick-off party tomorrow afternoon but I do not know if I will do any writing at all. I have nothing to write about. No clue, no plan, no ideas. And tonight, before it begins, I'm just really tired. I'm going to bed soon. It will be along day. Church at 10:00 a.m., Kick-off at 1:00 p.m., church again at 7:00 p.m.. I do not know if I will make it to all of that but must try.

Now, time for bed.

Assault on the Senses

You will note that I have changed my photo background and banner to violently autumn photos. I truly believe autumn is meant to be like that. A violent assault on all our senses.

It slashes our eyes with vivid colors, assails our noses with purely autumn scents, attacks our body with clear, frosty knives of chilling cold. Even our breath becomes white smoke that drifts on a breeze filled with the scent of burning fires. Autumn is an assault on the senses, indeed!

At least it should be. But we've had October blahs and gloom for weeks. Even the last day of the month began dark and overcast. Only now, after noon, had the sun appeared. November rolls in tomorrow and I feel as if I'm missed the fall completely. Leaves are on the ground everywhere and not much of color remains. Yuk.

Still, maybe I should go out and ride around and look for colors. Waste gas, waste time, have my senses assaulted? Why not.

Note: for Blogger and FB users: This post is from my website where the photos are visible.:

Friday, October 30, 2009

A Bat Story

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to knock it off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted in
hassling him to no end until finally he gave in.

"OK!" he said with exasperation. "Follow me," and he flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats following close behind him.

Down through the valley they went, across the river, and into the deep forest. Finally he slowed down, and all the other bats excitedly gathered around him.

"Do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good," said the first bat, "because I DIDN'T!"

Hope you have a fun weekend.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Happy Birthday to Me!

Today was my birthday and it was a special day in a lot of ways because of wonderful friends. My friend at work, Carolyn, gave me a Snuggle because we both read and she knows exactly what a reader needs in the winter! It even has a book light. Carolyn never forgets my birthday. We've worked together for 10 years and just get along really well. Her son died September last year before Jerry died. We've spend most of our lunches together this year. It helps.

I have to say the biggest surprise today was in the form of flowers. I don't get flowers much anymore. Jerry used to buy them when money allowed. So, when these arrived I was stumped.

Imagine my surprise when I saw that my friend, Jilly, sent them to me. I was so thrilled I went all over the building telling everyone. They were all suitably surprised. Jilly and I have been friends now for about three years! We met on Yahoo and I was so lucky the day she added me to her list of friends. Thank you, my wonderful friend.

After lunch, I was at work when I began to have a problem with my vision. I was seeing flashing lights and had trouble seeing any way except straight ahead. I called the eye doctor and they said come in immediately. I did. On the way the flashing lights turned to swirls. I could still see but only straight ahead clearly.

After about an hour of examination, dilation, and more examination he concluded I was having an ocular migraine! I've had this happen once before but it was late at night and I thought maybe I'd over worked my eyes. So I went to bed. This was at work and it freaked me out. He sent me home and said lie down in a dark room. He also said i was fortunate in that I didn't have the headache that often accompanies these.

This is a new thing for me. I do have migraines but have not had but one since I had the cervical block last year. However, I've been having lots of neck pain this week and was even not well yesterday because of the fibro. And tonight, I do have a headache. Right in front along my brow line and in my eye sockets. I feel bruised, as if I've been reading too much. I am going to bed shortly.

My sister brought cake earlier tonight. A carrot cake. Me, Dave, Becca, Sarah, and my sister Phyllis all had cake. Sarah had been with Phyllis for a couple of hours at McDonalds and then the library. They have a large "ship" in the children's section. Sarah said it was "Hoogh". LOL. She also sang happy birthday to me!

Altogether a nice day, despite the discomforts. Thanks to a little help from my friends.

To My Wonderful Multiply Friends

Thanks to all of you for the good wishes on my birthday. They are the best gifts!

My birthday will be spent at work so it will go fast and quietly... that's probably for the best. Not sure fanfares that I'm 53 today are what I want. . . I don't feel that way.

When I got up I didn't have as much pain this morning and that is either because I got more sleep yesterday or because I prayed for relief or both. But today, I feel, in my head at least, like this 20 year old who had been thrown out on her own and doesn't have a clue. It is scary.

Cathy doesn't have her guest book feature turned on her page but if you get a change to welcome her, please do, even if it is in my comments. We've gone to the same church for a long time but only met a few times because her illness keeps her home. I think we've grown closer here! She is very sweet and I've enjoyed her notes and emails. I'm going to arrange a lunch some time so we can actually talk face to face!

I'm sorry you are having so much pain, Cathy. I will be saying a prayer for you today. I put my meds right by my bed. When I get up I take them and when I start to get ready for bed. That's how my time line falls. You might try that with your pain patch. I don't know if it is daily or weekly but having it in the same place at the same time does help me remember. My hormone patch is a weekly patch and I sometimes for get it too!

Again, thanks for the Birthday wishes! I love all of you so much. The last 10 months would have been a very dark place without all of you holding my hand.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Last One Standing

It isn't a good day. I started rotten and hasn't got much better. When the alarm went off at 6:30 I didn't even get out of bed. I simply rolled over and called in sick. I hurt everywhere more than anywhere else, as my Mama would have said. I did not get on the floor until after 10:00 a.m. And then, I still didn't feel well. I was so tired and achy that I couldn't face a day at work. I found it was raining. . . again.

Now, as bedtime nears, I am still tired. I despise this disease. It saps every ounce of strength. I think it is because you are so busy struggling to deal with the pain and function that you just wear yourself out.

I cleaned up the living room and did laundry between reading and doing my bank statement. The writer's group will be meeting here Thursday night.

I had a prayer meeting sometime in the middle of the day. Don't know that it helped the pain but couldn't hurt. I'm a bit depressed as well so I guess it is all just part and parcel of the same thing. Saturday night when I asked Sarah whose photo was on the shelf, she said, "That's Pawpaw. He's gone to heaven. I wish he would come back to me." I do, too.

It would be bearable if you could stop missing them. If you could just flip a switch and stop wanting desperately to see them. But then you think how disloyal that thought is. You must not love them if you want to stop missing them. You must be cold indeed if you want to forget. And the pain in your chest is just this huge bomb waiting to go off when you realize you don't want to forget or to stop missing them, or even stop hurting. If it doesn't hurt I must be insensitive. If I forget I must not have cared at all. If ... if... if

It is the power of death that you feel. The unassailable power you can't stop or deter. That can come in and sweep away an existence as if it never existed and leave not even a footprint in the sand. It can't be stopped by any one of us. There is no weapon that can halt his actions. You begin to look at every person around you and think, "They could be next!" or "I could be next!" You look at children differently, your own and others.

You realize how very important continuity is to humans, the desire to live on, not necessarily forever, but in your children, your grandchildren, and their children. You look at the last survivor of your line and you have this sense that you will truly be dead when that last one is gone.

For those of you who've done family trees, you know what I mean. You trace that tree for one purpose. To anchor you to something, to make a connection to the past and carry it through to the future is some how comforting and gives us a sense of security and belonging. It is a sense of continuity, that you will survive somewhere. That in the future, someone will be born with your eyes, your hair, your nose or your flat feet. It doesn't matter as long as your DNA goes on.

I've seen children who do not know who a one of their parents is and the sense of being an outcast or reject is so powerful to them. They can't trace one half of themselves and their children can't as well. They struggle for an identity. It is torment for them because they can't ever know. They suffer from a sense of incompleteness.

I never realized how powerful that connection to family could be until mine began to die off. With my husband's death, the sand began to race with an incomprehensible speed. Now, I see my small Sarah alone and with no connection to her past left when I am no longer here. My oldest son has no children. My youngest in all likelihood will have no more. Only if God is gracious to us, will Sarah have children of her own. And I know how she will feel at that point. She will wish we could all come back to her.

I wish they could all come back to me. Tonight, I am the last one standing. It is a terrible feeling.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Weekend Over

Aunt and Uncle are on their way home. They were up for the weekend to celebrate my birthday and my sister, Phyllis' birthday. We had a lovely time together. My sister, Phyllis went to church with us on Sunday and prayed back through to the Holy Ghost! She really got a wonderful touch from God.

Got an electric blanket for my b'day and the last two nights I have not frozen or woken up stiff as a board. Still have pain but much better mobility. So, I'm hoping the winter will be a bit easier for me.

I'm ready for work and will be leaving in a short time. I hate having to work. I never get over it. I guess it is from all the years I got to stay home and take care of my kids and be a homemaker. Mostly, I think it is mostly that I'm just tired all the time. I know that is my fibro causing that but I keep hoping it will get better at some point. Odds are it won't. Sustaining the energy is a real problem.

Had Miss Sarah most of the weekend, as you will have gathered if you've watched the movies I posted. She is such a funny doll baby. She went to church last night and was a bit wired up but went to sleep in the service. She didn't want to go home afterward but with me working, I can't keep her overnight except on the weekends. By the weekend, I'm nearly wiped out. I hate that most of all. I want to keep her overnight so bad. But my concern is she won't stay and I'll have to get up in the middle of the night and take her home. That'd be very bad for me.

Anyway, got to head out. Hope you all have a great day.

Friday, October 23, 2009


Finally, Friday if here and it isn't a moment too soon for me. I'm so tired. Every night this week I've gone to bed a little earlier each night. I'm still tired this morning despite going to bed at 10:30! When I get tired, I get very upset and depressed so it hasn't been a great week. I keep getting these urges to pick up the phone and call Jerry. It just drives me nuts. This week that hasn't been as bad as last week because I'm so tired I can't think straight.

Dixie's Aunt and Uncle are due to arrive sometime this afternoon. Not sure when exactly. They will spend the weekend. My sister and I have a birthday this week. Her's is today and mine the 28th. They come to celebrate with both of us.

I'm on my way to work. All day training today means I'll be dead on my feet when I get home. If I don't get back for a few days, everyone have a wonderful weekend.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Sunday Aches and Life Sucks.

I woke up this morning in pain. So, what else is new?

Everything hurts. I did not go to church. I tried to call the youngest son to see if some of them would come and drive for me but no one answered the phones. I didn't even try Mike. He never gets up and I am tired of calling and calling to ask.

So, I didn't go.

My hand, arms, shoulders, knees, feet and legs hurt. Some is caused by my carrying Sarah a bit in the mall yesterday but the cold is the greatest contributor I suspect. This time of year is a nightmare for me. My hands are cold and my feet are cold, despite thick wool socks my sister bought for me. I can only imagine how cold they would feel without those!

I sleep in sweats and I've not even got dressed all day. Shoulders hurt when I try and reach up to get anything above shoulder height. My knees hurt when I walk. They feel like they are froze, too. Everything just feels stiff and locked up. Muscles in my calf and upper arms are sore.

I'm miserable and I hate this. I can't stand living like this. I can't do anything. My brain is in a constant fog. I'm always tired. I manage to get through my work day but I'm totally wiped out by 5 pm. I can't go anywhere and do anything for long. Once I sit down, I'm done.

I want Jerry to come and just sit next to me. I just want him to come home. I'm tired of this.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009


Many of my readers have repeatedly said that they didn't know what to say to someone experiencing grief. My own situation has caused me to look at this in a different way and far deeper than I ever imagined I'd want or need. As I've become able to function more normally, I've found myself fascinated by a paradox.

A vast majority of people across all cultures believe that death takes that person to a better place. This is supposed to give comfort to those left behind. Honestly, it doesn't much. But if they've gone to a better place, it does leave the survivors alone in a hell not of their making. Those not affected by it simply stand on the edges, watching the struggle. The grief-stricken are left alone to claw their way back to the land of the living. For truly, a part of you has died and left to your own devices, you may very well die, too. I can tell you, I felt as if I were being pulled into the grave with Jerry. And nine months later, there are days I still do.

If the bereaved is not to blame for the death of the person, why does the rest of the world spend so much time making them feel they've done something wrong? People won't talk to you or listen to you. They barely speak when you approach them. They don't call or come around. Yet, if you stopped them and asked them, they'd automatically put it back on you, the bereaved with "Why didn't you tell me?" or "You should have called me."

There are things you need to know about these Survivors of death. The bereaved can barely walk for months. They don't see things right in front of them. I've run numerous traffic lights in the last seven months. I've probably run three in my entire 53 years, until now. I absolutely didn't see them. Ask Mike. He's been with me twice.

The bereaved can't remember what day it is. They don't remember if they paid the light bill. They don't remember if they went to the store, despite finding the milk in the laundry room. They forget to take medications. But they are expected to remember they need solace and call for it as if they were ordering pizza?

Rest assured, they have trouble remembering their address at this point. They won't remember your phone number or even your name at times. Particularly if you never bothered much anyway. I have a basket of small notes with phone numbers on them taken from the answering machine over months. Some don't have names on them. I knew who they were when I wrote it down....

I remember nothing but bits and pieces of the the first three months after Jerry died. Most of those have to do with times I fell apart and couldn't get up out of the floor. Or they were the trips I took out of town to be with people who could look after me for a while and pick me up out of the floor. Or they could make me not think about what was happening to my life. I remember trying to get ready for work one morning and suddenly, doubling over and screaming over and over, unable stand or to breath. I was only able to sob uncontrollably.

For two months after his death I was afraid to go to sleep at night. I was afraid I'd die in my sleep. It was horrible to even lie down and think about letting go so I could sleep. As a Christian, this is a terrible feeling. We aren't supposed to fear death! I don't know if it is normal. If other people feel that way, they don't tell it.

On top of that, the darkness is the best movie screen ever designed. Every scene is played back for you in living color. If you witnessed the death, as I did, you see it again, and again, and again. You hear the sounds they made in those last minutes. You see the empty eyes. Simple sounds take on new meanings. You see that last day over and over and wonder what you could have done differently that MIGHT had altered the course. Change one thing and everything changes.

Survivors, wondering if they had steered a bit more south they'd have missed the iceberg. Survivors, just like those committees who go over wreckage with a fine toothed comb, go over every detail of our lives and the death to discover what happened and if we could have stopped, slowed, reversed, prevented it all.

Most of us are left wondering, clinging to the wreckage, holding a shirt with the scent of a memory. We are Survivors and we're left with only questions.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Monday Morning Blahs

Been battling depression all weekend. I'm tired this morning and have to get out of here to work shortly. I wanted to try and write a post before I left. It is on of those days when I just want to go to bed and stay there for the day. Gloomy skies right now but could be because the sun hasn't really got past the horizon yet. It is 7:15 but my weather monitor says it is supposed to be sunny today.

Anyway, I'm off the the mines to dig. I really will be glad when I have a couple of weeks vacation built up. Thankfully, November has three days free ones coming up so maybe I can hold out until then. I hope so. In 19 days Nano starts and I'm no where near ready.

If you all wouldn't mind, say a prayer for me today. I did get to church twice yesterday but it was really hard to sit through it last night. And coming home is always so difficult. I have to stay occupied until I'm so tired I can't stay awake and then I went to bed and had flash backs there in the dark. I hate those. Waking nightmares, that's what they are. Anyway, they tend to drag me down pretty quickly.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Small Joys

Surprises come in many places and things. Life is often filled with one sort of surprise or another and a good many are not good surprises. But it is the little things that often bring the greatest pleasure and warm our hearts.

Today was another busy day at work and one thing after another until you begin to feel like one of those ducks in the shooting gallery. Back and forth with some rube taking potshots at you. I'm so tired. And to end the day there were problems with something they need for the computer changes we are making that I can't deliver and I told the person last week what we needed and she did nothing to get that information. And she took two days off this week knowing she didn't have it. So, I gladly left it until tomorrow when she will return. I suggested that the person heading all this up, the Director of Capital Funds, a man with no personality or tact, speak with her about it. {SMILE}

I came home dragging my feet. I got my mail, unlocked my door and sat down my bags. Junk mail from the credit card industry, sale paper, and a small card..... a postcard. I like postcards. Somehow they just feel special and exotic to me. Someone picks them out specially for you and thinks about you as they pay for it and as they post it. That's special.

This one has a photo of some interesting old stone buildings... at least some of them look like old buildings but they're well cared for. It is a bright sunny day on a city plaza in some faraway place. There are tall chimneys and church spires. I flipped it over and read and smiled. And that lovely warm feeling that good surprises give you spread through my soul and the day's troubles fell away.

I have such lovely friends in far away places. Thank you, Jilly, for thinking of me.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Sunny Monday

Woke to a very beautiful day but it is just too cool to my liking. I want warm sunshine, not the refridgerated stuff. Pain is fairly high as a result of the cold. I no longer have Jerry's warmth to shelter me at night and so I've had to put blankets on the bed and wear woolen socks. I still just get so cold.

I don't want to turn the heat up too high but I don't see how I'll manage if I can't get it regulated at night. We always turn the heat back at night and it was fine but I see now that it probably won't be anymore.

I've going home to night and work on that kitchen floor. I would like to have a couple of things taken care of before Thursday night. The house is presentable... more or less. At least the room we will be using is. LOL, and the kitchen will be better when I'm done. It really is a wreck.

I don't want to work today. I hate days like that where you have to be here but you'd rather be somewhere else. My stomach is a bit grumpy for some reason. I didn't want lunch.

One of the members of our writing group has that terrible cold and says they've told her she has pneumonia. I hope she can join us.I wonder... I could set up a webcam if I had a router for the internet and she could join in virtually.... Hmmmmm. Have to check that out.

Well, back to the mines for now. I don't know if I will be on tonight or not. Lots to do after I get home. If not, I'll see you all later.

My next video blog will be the grand tour of the house. I told you guys I was going to do it. I took my computer all over the house and filmed the rooms. I may borrow Becca's camera and do a video instead. Have to see. Anyway, tour coming.

So far, people have responded well to my hair curling video. Everyone seems to have gotten a laugh from it and that's good. 'Specially since the follow up video has me looking gorgeous.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

On A Sunday

You go to church with your family and then to lunch. That's what I did this morning. I'm home now and deciding what to do with the afternoon.

I am down in my back, as the old folks say. My sciatica is making threats to knock me off my feet. I still have to paint that floor and I intend to do it before Thursday. My shoulder is not happy either but I think that is more because I've not been very faithful to my exercises for that. When I do them, it doesn't flare up as much. I've done them here and there lately. I just can't find 15 minutes twice a day!

I'm going to church tonight a bit early. I've been asked to help with our annual turkey giveaway. Our church does a turkey giveaway every year. This year they are doing it a bit differently. They are having a church service where people will register to receive a free turkey. This will eliminate the long lines of cars and waiting. And it will be an opportunity to feed souls as well as stomachs. They never turn anyone away at the giveaway until the turkeys run out and I was told today they've never come up short. This year, those needed turkeys will have to preregister, attend a special service at the church the week before, after the service, they will received a get a ticket with their registration number and they will take that to the church the day of the giveaway. I suspect it will be less work on giveaway day than it has been in the past.

I will be working the computer during the special service. We have a monitor that puts scripture and the songs up for everyone to see. All the people who usually do it are either singing or working in some other capacity. One of the women working on the committee suggested they ask me to do it since I used to do it in the past. Actually, I haven't done the overhead in about two years. Anyway, I told her I'd help so I know you will all be thrilled I'm doing something besides complaining about my life.

This won't be an easy task. Our computer is in a sound booth at the top of a very steep stairway. One reason I stopped doing the computer work was the climb to the top was just difficult and coming down just as bad. Initially the computer was on the first floor and it was no problem. Now, I just hate going up there. But one service should not be so bad, I guess. I told a friend of mine about it and said, I could crawl up and come down on my butt.

I'm going now. I'm going to roll my hair and try and get it into something besides a bun tonight. I get sick of it but the thinning has left me little choice if I don't cut it.

I'll be back again. I've got a video from yesterday with Miss Sarah Cheyenne. You'll all love it. She's quiet the Lady of the Manor is Miss Cheyenne.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Saturday Night Live

Sarah has gone home.She was carried out, sound asleep, about an hour ago and is now in her own bed asleep. We had a nice afternoon and MawMaw is tired too and her back is probably out. No, I didn't play that hard. I was painting my kitchen floor. Yes, I was. It is horrible and brown porch paint is no where near as ugly as my ancient lino.

Had to go to bed last night and yes, my back is not happy this morning. I am dressed and on my way out the door to get Mike for church. Dave and Becca and Sarah are supposed to be going with me but we will see when I get there.

I'll be back possibly this afternoon but I really want to paint the rest of that floor. It looks so much better this morning where I did one section.

See you later.


I hurt in a lot of places but not all over. And I am on my way to work. I'm not even going to put up my hair. I am hoping to pick up Sarah afterward and do some things with her today.

I will be back this afternoon and hopefully have photos. Chili night was good, although I didn't want the chili after it was done. The movie was Thin Ice with Tom Selleck. Very good movie. Mike rented another Ted Dekker movie but we didn't watch it. I was very tired and it was nearly 9 p.m.

Lord that sounds OLD from a person who used to be able to sit up until 1 a.m. studying for finals and ace them at 9 the next morning.

Ok, more later. Have a good day or evening, depending on what time-frame you are located in.

Friday, October 2, 2009

Chili Movie Nite

Mike and I are getting ready to do our Chili Movie Nite. He's gone to buy the fix'ins since I didn't have enough in the larder. And then he'll pick up the movie while I fix the chili.

I did have lunch with my writing friend, Doug. We went to a Chinese restaurant roughly between where we both work. We batted around some places but I got the impression he likes Chinese and since I do to that was what we agreed on.

The lunch went well. It was really nice to sit and discuss writing styles, methods, and concerns. We are both looking forward to this writing group. We discussed what we thought we would gain from it and we discussed the first piece of writing we've been given to critique.

As I mentioned, we met last November and since then, we've only emailed here and there to just stay in contact until this November. One thing we both agreed on is that to really stay charged up about writing you need to be able to connect with other writers who love it as much as you do. He has a rather large family- four children and a wife. WIth a job and a family that size, writing can often get shuffled to the back burner and if you don't have a way to stay focused, it gets cold. I think the group will really benefit him.

As for me, you all know my motivation for doing this. I need my sanity. But I also need the contact with people who love writing. I enjoy talking about it and I like sharing information and ideas. I don't have the kind of distractions Doug will have but mine are far more insidious.

My husband was very supportive of me and the writing. He never said much and didn't complain about it in any way if I wrote for hours. I was so fortunate to have someone who just wanted me to be happy. How very foolish that I wasn't always happy. We are so blind to what we have. Always looking for something to get better. Never content with what we've been blessed to have. I was given a great treasure and I treated it like an old pair of shoes. Not like my special shoes I wear and take care of and am so proud of and love to show off.

I'm not going to go down that dark path right now. I have managed to keep my mood a bit lighter the last two days and I don't want to lose it. I have to work tomorrow and I don't want to go in after a bad night.

I will pop around again later if it isn't too late.

Windy Friday

I am at work and listening to a howling wind whistle through the crack in my window. I just got up and managed to force it completely closed. It was causing a terrible draft, too.

The weather has turned off very cool. It is 61 degrees out right now at 11:10 a.m. I suppose Fall is finally here but I am not ready for it. I've been having a problem staying warm. I've piled a quilt on my bed. I don't have Jerry to snuggle up to if I get cold. I will have to break my sweats out early to try and stay warm. I woke up with pain in my shoulders, feet, knees and hands. The cold just really makes it worse. I'm concerned that I will have to keep the house warmer but I've decided to get some carpets put down and that will help a bit.

I am going to lunch with a writing friend, I think. I got an invite a bit late and had to juggle things. Doug, from the writing group works here in town and we talked about it at the meeting last time I saw him. He asked if I ever take lunch out and I said yes. So today, he emailed me an invitation to meet up at a restaurant near both our jobs. I'll let you know how that goes. I'm trying get out more during the my days to meet and talk with people. I've had a couple of other people I know but have never gone to lunch with ask me about my lunch hour. So, I may have busier lunch hours in the future. It would be nice. Breaks up my day and gives me something to think about besides myself.

I'm thinking about trying to paint the bedroom this weekend. I am supposed to work but it doesn't take long to paint a room. The windows will take a bit but not the rest. Then, i want to have a carpet put down. I also want to paint that hideous kitchen floor to cover it up for the time being. I think I'll feel better if it looks better!

Ok, I'm going off for now. I have to see if I'm actually meeting up for lunch or not. We've just sort of emailed suggestions about where and nothing is definite yet. I have a date with Mike tonight to watch a movie and make him some chili. He said he misses my chili. Since it is cold out it is time for it. I like it, too so that will be good.

I'll be back later tonight.