NaNoWriMo starts in about three hours and I'm not sure where I'm going with this. It is as if I am walled in and can't see, hear, or feel anything. I don't like it. I have lost so much in the last ten months. Most of it I can't remember.
I said once that I felt as if I were being pulled into the grave with Jerry. There is still that sense of a weight around me that I can't shake. Always the phrase that spins round and round in my head is "I want my life back. I want my life back. I want my life back." It is the sound a train makes as it travels along, or the sound a car makes on those long concrete roads, the sound a rocking chair makes as it rocks on old floors. Eventually, you are just lulled to sleep.
When he began to get so sick, and I failed to see it at the time, I was saying the same thing. I want my life back. He was never awake, never there when it mattered. He was missing so much of our life, of the boys, of Sarah. I saw what it was doing to him but couldn't ever seem to connect it with anything that made sense. I wanted OUR life back. I wanted him to be normal again. I wanted us to be normal. I wanted him to BE him. How could I have missed it all that time? How? Guess it doesn't matter anymore.
November 1 will be here soon. I don't shatter into a million pieces anymore... well, not very often. I don't become ill. . . very often. I don't break down.... very often. There are trade offs, however. I can't think. I can't really afford to feel anything. I avoid memories that otherwise might be pleasant. I don't talk about it more than absolutely necessary. But I can walk through my day with reasonable calm and get home totally wasted from exhaustion. Maintaining a facade is a lot of work.
I believe I've said before that I've always had a knack for acting. Wanted to be an actress growing up. I used to do lots of school plays before high school and did a few church plays as an adult. I was very good at it. Now it is paying off. I pretend my life is normal. I pretend I'm just peachy. I pretend I can function as usual. Everything is copacetic. Jerry used that word a lot in the military. Very satisfactory. Actually, everything is closer to snafu. Situation normal, all fouled up. My life.
So, I will attend the NaNo kick-off party tomorrow afternoon but I do not know if I will do any writing at all. I have nothing to write about. No clue, no plan, no ideas. And tonight, before it begins, I'm just really tired. I'm going to bed soon. It will be along day. Church at 10:00 a.m., Kick-off at 1:00 p.m., church again at 7:00 p.m.. I do not know if I will make it to all of that but must try.
Now, time for bed.