Sunday, February 28, 2010

A Sunday in Bed

I woke up early this morning, just before 8. The plan was to fix my hair, which I had rolled last night, and go to church. I felt hideous. I shut off the alarm and went back to bed. I've been up twice to go to the bathroom, once to get coffee and the muffin I bought yesterday for today's breakfast. the rest of the day I have sat here in bed waiting for time to pass. It has just gone past the lunch hour. I've been looking at movies to watch but actually, I can't get past the first five or 10 minutes of anything. I've switched several times.

I was reading something, not a novel, just a devotional, around 9 o'clock and out of the blue this amazing . . . vision if you will, rushed at me of me running to meet Jerry and throwing my arms around him and he spinning me around. Stupid, stupid, stupid. No idea why or whence it came. It was cruel and painful and ripped me to shreds. I've been here in bed for hours and I do not know when I will be able to get up and face reality. I do not want to get up. I do not want to think. And I do not want to hear platitudes. If one more person tells me it will get better, they're going to find out how many swear words I actually learned listening to Daddy when he drank.

I want to get something to eat but nothing appeals to me. There isn't really anything in the fridge to fix. I've let it get empty. I'm going to give my large freezer to Dave and Becca. They have use for it. If I need anything else, I'll just find me a small chest type. I have a few things in the refrigerator freezer but I usually fill it up with ice trays. I drink a lot of iced tea, sodas, and water.

I also have a cold... nose was all stuffy for several days now. I think I should go see about food. It really is too much bother, though. I'm just really very tired.

And yes, I'm taking the stuff for depression. I'm not depressed. I don't know what I am. Hollow, empty, dejected, filled with an unendurable sense of loss, a sense of never finding my way back, shrouded in a mist that clears briefly but then shrouds me in a thick cloud.

I tired to sleep but couldn't get to sleep. Kat called around 1 and I talked with her for a bit. I am afraid I was not much in a chatting mood. I was very down but it was a good thing to have to think not think about my own life and laugh at some of the things she has seen while she was there. We, of course, talked about writing and how we were going to handle the next set of scenes in the Inkwell. Initially we had intended to be done by now but life interfered. So we'll be stretching it out for at least another week. We've both been working on things that will fill the week up and I hope by next weekend we can get the culmination out there.

I think we've both got a lot of stuff from this experience and we're read to move to another idea or story line.

I finally fixed something to eat about 2. I was beginning to feel strange and figured I should probably eat and see it I felt better. I don't know if I did or not. I feel very disconnected and not sure what that means.

Then, I decided to take the rollers out and fix my hair. I hate it. It looks horrible. I don't like it at all but it 's up and shall remain. I think part of it is that I looked in the mirror and realized I look old today. I didn't recognized myself for a minute. And all the white hair that was visible on the rollers was a real shock. I hadn't noticed when I was rolling it last night but this morning, there was the nearly white head of hair in the front. I wasn't happy with it and it only served to feed an already bad mood.

I'm still in bed. I have to dress in a couple of hours but until then, I'll stay right here. I need to get something to drink too as I may be a bit dehydrated. I've had two cups of coffee, one glass of juice and a glass of iced tea all day... well, except for the water when I took my pills.

This is a totally worthless, depressing post. Sorry, I can't fix it.

Friday, February 26, 2010

That's All I've Got to Say

I'm working.

I appear to have a head cold.

I was in bed before 10 last night.

It's Friday.


Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Wednesday Why

Why indeed. Wednesday, the mid point of chaos and confusion. A week so busy I'm rarely aware of the time passing until I check the clock and see I've forgotten lunch. Fortunately, it is lunch time when I check but to actually get to lunch without being frustrated that it is taking too long to reach it is quite odd.

I'm going to the Y tonight for the pool workout. It does help a little bit but I'm not really motivated. Why should I care how I look or feel or if I am healthy? I'm not going to get better in that area. So who cares. It doesn't really seem to improve and honestly, there is no one to really consider anymore but me. I had Reese cups for supper last night. I ate until I was tired of them. I skipped breakfast. Had junk food for a snack before lunch. Ate more junk food after lunch. Not much because I wasn't actually hungry. But when I looked at it I thought, why not? I'm just going to die anyway of something and depriving myself of things I like and want to do is just a waste of effort. No one to care how I look but me... and I don't so much anymore.

So if I don't want to take a walk why bother? If I don't want to get up, why should I? If I want to leave paper all over the floor, why shouldn't I? It really doesn't matter. And I am amazed that it all makes sense to me now. I don't have to wash the dishes until I feel like it or need something. That's is not going to happen often since I eat an average of a meal a day.

I don't have to sweep, mop or dust. Why bother? I don't! Never again do I have to care about how things look or smell or feel. I clean up if I know someone is coming. Laundry is piled on the spare bed. Why put it away? I just pull it out again. I'm washing now but it can just lay in the basket when it's done. It's only sheets and towels.

I'll have tons of time to do nothing but sit and stare at the television screen or computer screen. I can play games until bedtime. I can write if I want. Or not. Who blinking cares anyway.

Not me.

Huh, I'm already dead, I guess.

Monday, February 22, 2010


Just got back from the Y and I am going to find food. Wasn't hungry before but am now! My shoulder is painful but no more than usual so I guess it doesn't matter. We'll see tomorrow. I have PT in the morning. I did not do the exercises that put a strain on the muscles that hurt. Some I couldn't do had I wanted to try. Major pain to row backward. No back stroke either.

I'm gone until tomorrow. I'm missing the writing sessions with Kat. So I am going to go in there and after I eat I'm going to do one without feedback. We'll see how it goes. I know she is probably going crazy anyway being without any computer at all. LOL, bet she comes home wanting to write non-stop.

Which brings me to a question. I'll be gone on this cruise for 5 days. I am debating taking my laptop. I can't imagine not writing for five days! It is just not good. No blogs, no stories, NOTHING! Almost makes me thing twice about it. Oh yes it does. Writing has kept me sane for the last year. It is my new drug of choice. So, anyone ever take a laptop on a cruise? LOL.

Ok, I'm really hungry and tired. Glad I got my shower at the Y. I shall leave you all to contemplate and I'll fill my plate.

Dark Ages

Yes, I think we are there again. Look outside! Gloomy gray clouds, colder by the minute, threats of rain or snow. Yucky day! And yesterday was so promising.

I got up at my usual time this morning. No, I had no trouble going to sleep last night, despite my having a nap from 3- 7 last night! Amazing. I thought sure I'd not sleep at all. I'm glad I did. Must have been exceptionally tired.

Tonight is the Y exercise class. I may go a bit early and see if I can get on a machine for a while. I really need to start toning up. I've lost a few pounds since Jerry died and some things are just not looking too good. Remember the video blog about the mirror thing? Yeah.

Ok, going now because work is calling. Only three and a half hours to go so maybe I can get through it.

Some out there, please send sunlight!

Sunday, February 21, 2010

Sunday Night Sign Off.

Went to church this morning and spent the whole day in bed when I came home. I actually sat with the laptop and did things on the computer. You know, emails and some games, then my aunt called and then, I got so sleepy! I lay down and went to sleep.

My son called twice and woke me up wanting to know if I was sleeping! And was I going to church. He really wanted to go. I've got to find a car for him to use. My daughter-in-law called and said she'd call back later. As a result when the calls stopped I went into a heavy sleep and didn't wake up until 7 p.m. I guess I was tired. But in truth, I'd been up since 7 a.m. So I probably had reason. My shoulder was hurting badly this morning. It is better but the arm is just not much use when it is like this.

I'm getting ready to turn out the lights now.

Ok, I'm going now. I'm tired again so I hope I sleep. I must have been really exhausted to sleep so much today. I think the depression is much better this week. That or that shopping trip did me a world of good. But I hate shopping and spending money so I can't really believe that. Everyone have a great week.

Lazy Sunday

I'm sitting here in my bed where I've been since around 2 p.m. I was working on emails and reading blogs when my cell phone rang. It was Kat! I couldn't believe it! I told her before she left to call me if she needed to. Just in case she needed to hear a sane voice while she was in Houston seeing about her mom. In crisis it is often nice to have someone on the outside you can call just to keep you calm. You never know.

As you remember, her mother was found unconscious in the doorway of her apartment and has been in ICU. So, Kat called and she was laughing! LOL, she said "I was just sitting here thinking I can't believe I'm going to call Dixie!" I was happy to hear from her, too.

Her mother is improving but they don't really know what happened yet. She is still not communicating well. She has some kind of kidney infection they are treating and it may have caused her to become confused. Apparently that can happen with older people. Her mom is 89! But she is better. Kat said she could see a big improvement from this morning to this afternoon.

She also said it was too early to tell if there has been any secondary problems. There is a risk of brain damage in hypothermia.

I told Kat you had all sent good wishes and prayers. She sends her thanks. It was very nice to chat with her but we are both feeling the impact of writing deprivation of not writing about Simon and Serge. She doesn't have access to a computer there and well, I could write but we're at a crucial place and it won't work. So, I will have to wait for her return. I told her we should have written ahead and so we'd have things to post in the event one of us went on vacation. But who knew!

She did say it was in the 60's there! Spring in Texas!

Everyone have a good Sunday and hope your week is filled with warm weather and sunshine.

I try to be optimistic.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

Coffee's On

The sun woke me at 8 and I've already had a cup. I've given up trying to sleep in on Saturdays. I'm going to sit here and do nothing. Well, maybe write.

Everyone please keep my friend, Kat in your prayers. Her mother is in the hospital in Texas in serious condition. She was found lying in her doorway yesterday morning by a neighbor. They don't know how long she was there and when I talked to Kat last night her core temp was only 87. She is flying down there today and I know she must be very worried and upset. Pray for her mother, as well, that she will recover.

We will be letting Simon and Serge stew for a few days until Kat is back and able to write.

Ok, going away for now. I feel pretty empty today. I had a difficult night last night. and did nothing but watch television shows on Hulu and Fancast. Mindless, mind numbing. Could not bear thinking at all. I miss Jerry so much on the weekends. You don't know how important doing things together is until you can't. No one to share a joke with, or watch a funny or exciting movie with, no one to take a walk with or work in the yard or house with.

Do you realize how much fun it is to clean house with a man? It was always, when he was in a normal job, a joint project. Then we'd go to lunch. We loved taking the kids to lunch on Saturday... even after they grew up. It was always time spent with our children we loved the most.

O.k. not doing this.

Friday, February 19, 2010

Running Out of Week

Only a couple of hours until I'm out of work week. I'm thrilled it is nearly over. I can't tell that Monday was a holiday!

I was sitting here a few minutes ago and looked at the clock and said, "Oh God! Still two hours to go! I feel like I've worked all week." Well. . . . . . .I have. So, I'm ready to go home. I'm supposed to keep Sarah some tonight. I'm just not sure I'm up to it now. I want to go home.

Anyway, another week of chaos is ending and I'm glad. I do not anticipate a whole weekend of loneliness but there isn't much for that. I'm not a shopper, runner, or gad about, particularly alone. I always enjoyed the weekends Jerry and I got to spend together. They became fewer and fewer. We hardly got to see one another at all. We both missed it when he had to work all weekend. And now, I can't ever have that again.

I don't want to become one of those women addicted to my job because I have no personal life. That isn't fun for me. Five days as someones servant is plenty. I don't have an solution. Doubt anyone does. I don't like to think about it much because it upsets me a lot. I know it shouldn't but it does. Life isn't very attractive anymore.

Friday's Gold

Once again the sun gilds the top of the trees outside my window. There was sun pouring into the kitchen window as well when I got coffee. I'm half dressed and stopped to drink it. I am so happy it is Friday. I'll be thrilled if the sun shines all day.

I have a PT appointment this morning at 8:30. My arm has hurt less in the last three or days but I don't think it is because of PT. I think, based on the way this pain is behaving, this is fibro pain. It strikes randomly, it last for days, it seem to not be connected with any particular activity. I remember the calf muscle hurting off and on for over a year, with no reason and no fix. I could exercise and it helped ease the pain for short times but it always came back and I'd be limping. As soon as the calf pain stopped, the deltoid pain came back. I still have calf pain once in awhile but it doesn't last long. So, I'm concerned this is not treatable. I know I hurt that muscle and it is probably why it is now hypersensitive and picking up pain signals. Those are coming from my brain.

We'll see. Right now, I have to get my hair combed and get ready to face another day. For the moment, I'll deal with the hour. My grandmother used to tell me, "Stop worrying about tomorrow. You might not even be here!" LOL, she was teasing of course but I've learned what she apparently knew, life is short. And it is painful enough in the now.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Over the Horizon

I believe, I'm not sure, but I believe that is sun peeking over the horizon. Trees just outside my window have the upper sections bathed in a light golden tint. {sigh} One can only hope.

I have a slight headache this morning. I'm not sure why. Had a mild one yesterday, too. I'm still feeling down. Not the blinding depression of two weeks ago but just very sad. It is never far away, just around the next corner. I suppose total escape is not going to be possible. I can laugh for a while, distract myself with writing, chatting, talking on the phone. But laughter doesn't last forever. I can't write all the time. I get tired of the phones.

And I always have to come home, back to reality and such a very empty house. It isn't home anymore. I've always loved my house, warts and all. So many repairs needed. A complete face lift is the only solution. But I've neither the energy or concern to really tackle it.

I've thought about taking some of Jerry's photos down. Not because I don't want to see him anymore. But because I do. Each time I step into the hallway I face two. I sit in my study and he watches from the sidelines. In my bedroom he hangs over my bed. In my living room he smiles into the whole room. Every photo is a family portrait so taking them down means taking down my family. But really, it is just another burial.

People said it gets better. They don't know what that means. They just know that all the people they've seen who've lost someone to death, seem to get up and go about their business. Maybe other people do. I go through a lot of motions. But they don't really mean anything. It's just a way to get through a day without thinking about much except what you are doing at that moment. You don't think back and you don't think forward. You think now. You don't plan.

I suppose we just live with a hope that it will end. That something will fill the hollow spaces. I keep thinking I'll get up and look out to find something bright just over the horizon. Around that corner, something good will step out and wrap me in a warm cloak. I won't be cold. It won't be dark.

I keep hoping so.

I just don't believe.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Wednesday Writers' Asylum

Did I tell you guys that my writing group now has a name? Writers' Asylum. Courtesy of Snowgoon. He named us and we all agree it is perfect. We decided tonight we need shirts.. maybe hoodies. LOL. And I told him he needs to come up with a logo for us.

We had a nice time and reviewed Kathy's story about her reluctant psychic hot-line detective. It is a funny story and we all see lots of potential in it.

Cassie, our new inmate, came and she said she was so excited to be here and you could see that she was. It is always uncomfortable being in a group setting for the first time with virtual strangers. She was very quiet but seemed to enjoy it. She's younger than all of us but in our previous meetings with her we were impressed by her goals and her drive. We're looking forward to working with her, reading her writing, and just getting to know her.

After we finished Kathy's critique we all just did the usual chatter about whatever comes out of our mouth. It is a nice feeling sitting with this group and no one wants to move to end it. We're all, probably for the first time in days, relaxed and there are no demands on us, no pressures from the outside. Just the companionship of friends. It is hard for all of us to get up and say good night. I see it each time with the lingering good-bys, the hugs, and stopping to say one more thing. I'm glad they feel comfortable in my home. I know when they go, there is light here and warmth.

Slide into Night

The day is on the downhill side and the icy slope as it heads into night is a problem to navigate. I was fine but my mood seems to be darkening and I don't really know why. I noticed around 2:30 that I wasn't feeling myself. Just a general slump. And now it is 3:30 and I'm feeling the weight that will only get heavier. I am hoping that the meeting tonight will lighten my mood.

It would not be so difficult if you could erase images, forget events, sounds, smells. But you can't and they jump out at you at inconvenient times. I can't leave my job and go home to compose myself. So, I simply watch the day darken and wait until I get home to see if I can find some light.

Another Cloudy Day

You heard it here first.

I am about to leave for work. Tonight is my writer's meeting and I'm so excited! I l always love it when these people appear at my door. They are just fun to be with and it is always an evening we get to talk about what we all love the most. New girl should be here tonight to try us out.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Tuesday Masquerade

I hate Tuesdays that masquerade as a Monday. They just don't feel right. Usually by Tuesday you've gotten past the worse of the calls, the heaviest load of paper, the most annoying client. But a Tuesday that masquerades as a Monday is filled not only with Monday's stuff but the stuff that usually comes on Tuesday as well. It is just frustrating.

I'm at the 3:30 mark and feel antsy. I want to go home and write. I have several things I need to get done tonight. I can tell that the depression is better. The pain isn't better... just the black cloud that envelopes me when it is at its worst.

I'll tell you something else. I'm bugged that my fingers have gotten so skinny that my rings won't stay on right! What is that about??? And why is this miracle weigh loss not consistent? Why not my hips? Why fingers and faces? Why not my boobs? I've commented this on in a video blog yesterday that has not been posted yet but will be tonight. I've lost hair. I've lost a ring size. I've lost my cheekbones. I've lost leg fat. I've even lost some in my waist and stomach (not enough). WHY NOT THE TWO MOST ANNOYING PLACES A WOMAN CAN BE OVERWEIGHT - boobs and saddlebags?

And what is with that skin? Someone stole mine and left theirs and they are wayyyyyy bigger than me. Well, not way... but some.

Ok, now that I've aired my most humiliating issues, I'm going back to work and put in the final hour and a half. I'm going to comtemplate a face lift, a boob reduction, a tummy tuck. . . . wonder if there is just a newer model I can buy?

Monday, February 15, 2010

Houston! We Have SUN!

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, that is real sun out there! And a ton of snow! Blindingly beautiful so get on your shades, break out the sun block, only if you aren't D deficient!

I'm headed for the shower. Been up since before around 7:30. Go figure. I give up. Already had three conversations before 9. Wow! Last night after 10:30 I had four in about 30 minutes. Life as a popular girl has it's drawbacks.

I'm off to read my next writing critique for the Wednesday night meeting. And work in some personal writing. I need to do some other things too. Deltoid on the left arm is hurting terribly and for some reason, a spot the shoulder on the OPPOSITE side is hurting! WHAT! {sigh} Whatever.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Up and At 'Em

I'm finally awake enough to think about doing something. Oh, I've been up, and awake. But I've done nothing. Sat here cruising around and put up an old theme that I really like. I want to walk in this wood and capture some of those fireflies. Or is it fairies? I will sit them on my nightstand and fall asleep watching them glow. Tomorrow, I'll let them go again.

No plans at the moment. Got to get a shower and get dressed. I had one last night but I feel the need this morning. I'm going to see about food soon. I forgot to eat last night and grabbed a granola bar around ten o'clock. My stomach says that was not nice but I'll grab something substantial soon.

Maybe back later. Not much I want to do today since the sun is, once again, on vacation. He's gone south to melt their snow.

I know.... I need to write!

What's Up?


I woke at 6:40. I know, nuts. My shoulder was hurting and it woke me. I simply can't lie on my left side. This is the biggest problem I have sleeping. It hurts my shoulder and neck to sleep in my left. I can't lie on my right for long either. For some reason, I can't sleep with my back to the door. I know, I know, I know. Crazy. For all the years of my married life, I've slept facing the door. The few times I didn't I was still lying on my left side. Always.

I've tried to sleep on the other side. I used to here because I had my nightstand on that side of the bed. But again, Jerry was between me and the door.

In addition, my blanket went off again. Yes, I was in bed by six again. Not sleeping but watching stuff, cruising the net, worked a bit on my post that was due days ago when the depression knocked me on my can.

I considered going to the Y this morning. Decided it was a disturbance in the force and promptly put it out of my mind. But I may still do it. What else do people do this early?

I'm off for now. No one is here anyway. Maybe I'll be back later.

Friday, February 12, 2010

Amazing Things

Isn't is amazing:

How the word Friday just seems to brighten everyone's day?

That a coworker can look at a problem you've been battling a week and say, "why didn't you come ask me?" and the problem is solved?

That you feel as if a weight has been lifted when a problem is resolved?

That three amazing things before lunch are amazing?

Do You Know What Day It Is?

I'm just about to head out for work and decided I better do an update. Went to bed at 6:30 last night. Yes, I did. Took the laptop, put it on my bed table and watched Human Target. Then, I think I watched something else. But I don't remember what. LOL. I kept sort of dozing, not really sleeping. More of a daze. I just lay there under my blanket thinking very little. I tried to write a bit but when your brain is that fuzzy... all you get is lint.

I am praying that several problems are resolved today. They have not responded back to me on this since I asked last week. Two landlords are not going to get paid is all I can say.

I was supposed to go to Dave and Becca's for supper last night but Becca IM'd me to say Sarah had been up coughing all night and wasn't really feeling well and could we do it tonight. I don't have a confirmation on that. My plans are now to come home and repeat last night. I really, really need to just stop thinking for a while and do nothing but sleep.

I got up last night just before I turned out the light at 10 to check the thermostat. It read 16 degrees! I was shocked since the house was quite warm. When I tried to adjust it it wouldn't go up beyond 30. I decided the batteries had probably not been changed since before Jerry died. The are supposed to be changed every year. We usually did it when we changed the smoke alarm battery. Hmmm, that may need it too, come to think about it.

Ok. Got to run. I'm up to two SJW a day at the moment. One in the a.m and one in the p.m. I'm not happy about it but I don't think I'm in a very good place. Hair . . . I can buy a wig... or two.

Thursday, February 11, 2010


I'm home.

I'm tired. The conversion chaos is ongoing.

I'm getting a shower and taking the laptop to bed to write.

I WILL have lights out by 10.

Oh, writer's meeting last night was nice. Three of my group met with two of the Nano'ers. Had a good time talking shop.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Half Over!

Oh joy, joy, joy! This week is half done! I am so glad.

That's pretty sad when you think about it. I sat up too late last night. Got to writing and forgot the time. I MUST start going to bed somewhere between 10 and 10:30. That's seems to be my limit to get enough sleep and get up in the morning less tired.

Tonight is the writer's meeting at Panera Bread. Not sure how many will be there since the weather has been just horribly cold and nasty. I am betting that the semi slushy show from lunch yesterday is not rock solid ice. So, the drive to work should be interesting for my little Focus. I slid nearly off the road yesterday morning twice. That usually doesn't scare me much because I'm usually very careful and if I slid it is not usually too bad but I nearly turned in the road and there were cars to left of me, cars to the right of me... here I was, stuck in the middle... An old song.

I'm on my way out the door. I have virtually nothing to say at this point. I feel tired. I don't feel horrible. That SJW pill seems to be helping a bit... maybe. LOL, how can I know!

Hope you have a warm day filled with blue skies and sunshine. If you live anywhere in Southern Indiana, that probably won't happen.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Long Winter's . . . Yeah, Right

No nap today. I have to go to work and there is about five inches of snow on the ground. And it is still falling so it won't get better. No plows will be this way so I have to put the shovel in the trunk in case I get stuck somewhere between here and the snow routes. I do not relish the drive. I had a hill in two directions after I get out of my yard.

I'm leaving early so I will have plenty of time.

I went to bed before eleven. . . I think. I called and had Dave and Becca come over with the baby and we had pizza and just visited and watched her be her adorable self. When they left I got online and Kat came on. We chatted for an hour or so. So I had another friend with me in the evening. I do not know what I'd have done without them yesterday. I was exhausted. I can't believe how much I slept yesterday. I have on a pink sweater and that is the only pink I'm in at the moment but I'm not as shrouded in black.

Must go now and get my things together. They are providing breakfast at work today with a meeting. That is just so we don't feel so annoyed by the meeting. It is mandatory. I don't mind breakfast meetings but I had the lunch one. My lunch hour is mine and when they make us come to those I feel they should pay me for being there. The lunch isn't usually very good and I don't really eat a large lunch often. Anyway, enough whining. Hope you all have a good day.

Monday, February 8, 2010

Long Day Nearly Over

I don't remember any day being this long for a while. I've slept all afternoon. That is so terribly lazy. Tonight I probably will take something to help me sleep if I can't fall asleep. But since I feel so very tired, I don't know that it will be a problem at this point.

If you saw this morning's post you know the day started in a bad way. It didn't get any better but my dear friend, Sarah, from my writing group saw my post and offered to come over and stay with me for several hours. She is just such a wonderful person. To understand this you have to realize that the time she gave me would mean that she would not get to do her three hour writing session. She takes her little boy to daycare so she can have that time allotted for her to write five days a week. He is four and as you most of you know young children are very demanding. Babysitting me meant she wouldn't get that precious time. Still, she came, smiling, and she stayed until she had to leave to get her son. I do not think the morning would have been very good had Sarah not been here. We just talked, mostly about my problems. But just having her here and not having to sit in this house in this silence was such a blessing.

She's just been such a great friend and I just love her. What a gift God gave me when he gave me this writing group. These five people have become such wonderful friends. I tell them all the time how much they mean to me but it seems a small thing just saying it.

After she left, I covered up and lay on the couch watching stuff on the internet for about two hours and then, closed it up and went to sleep. I just woke up. I think I'm starving. I still feel as if I could sleep forever. I know that is just the depression. I'll be ok once I get it under control. I just took St. John's Wort. I've decided that today, hair is of minor importance. I can't live in this darkness forever.

I've called and asked Dave and Becca to come over with the baby for a bit. I am supposed to go to the Y but I'm in such a mess. I don't want to go where there is a bunch of strangers and try to be nice. I have to go to work tomorrow and I'm hoping I will be fine by then.

I'm going for now. I need to get my shower early. I got dressed for work this morning and I've worn those clothes all day. Changing seemed such a chore. I really kept thinking that I'd get all right and could go to work. That passed every time I thought about it. It was terrifying. That's crazy but nears as I can tell you.

Black Monday

All right. It is probably official. I'm severely depressed. The whole weekend was pretty much a wash. I am sorry if you came hoping for cheerful thoughts, good news, or funny stories. I don't have them. I have reached a place where I realize I'm out of answers, out of energy, out of solutions, out of hope.

I don't know why... could it be my life? In general it's in the well. I feel sick this morning. My neck and shoulder hurt and that makes my head hurt. I feel a bit sick on my stomach. And pretty much everything that happened over the weekend served only to drive me into the ground. Hence, the well.

Sometimes there are people you wish you had never set eyes on, never heard of. They are a constant source of pain in every situation. There are also well meaning people who say things that just say the wrong thing with the best of intentions. Both of these just obliterate whatever mantle of control you've maintained. I can deal with the well meaning. It is the fools I don't tolerate so well, less so now.

I've done a bit of writing but not as much as I should. Amazingly enough it has been the only thing that made me forget everything else. I try to pray at times. You'll think I'm even crazier but prayer is dangerous for me at the moment. I can't control the darker emotion enough to even try that. And I dare not go beyond a certain point. All I can really do is say please God, help me.

I was going to work but I called and ask for a personal day. I get three a year. I'm not in a fit state at the moment to deal with that stress. I'm going back and lie down. At least I'm fully dresses... all in black. I guess today it matches my mental state.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Another Snow Day

Snow fell last night. Everything is dusted in white. It is 30 right now and it dropped one degree since I started this!

I finally got to sleep in! Got up at 9:30 and only had a mild shoulder pain, probably because I in an awkward position at some point. I went to bed about nine and watched television shows.I didn't even get online for a couple of nights except to check email and post a blog. I tuned off the computer around midnight.

Then, after lights were out the darkness descended like lead. Horrible, horrible, horrible. Will it every get better or ever stop doing that? When it happens, I can't breath. I can't stop crying. I can't walk. I got up twice because I couldn't lie there. Stuff of nightmares and you're awake. I don't know when I finally fell asleep, probably near two a.m.

Good news is only knee pain at the moment. My blankets were hurting my knees last night. They aren't heavy either. Although I like lots of cover I don't sleep under as much since I got the electric blanket. I have a sheet, the electric blanket, a woven spread with my new spread on top of it. Gives me enough weight to feel cozy and I can set the blanket on a very low setting. Just last night my knees really didn't like it. Sometimes my feet don't either and I have to put a large pillow under the covers near my feet to support the blankets. I know. sounds weird.

I need to get moving now.I need to clean up a few things. The house isn't really messy. Just me around so not much gets out of place. But I think I need to clean off my dresser and change the sheets on my bed.

So, away I go. Hope you all stay warm.

Friday, February 5, 2010

A Week without Pain

I just realized that I've had virtually a whole week with minimal pain. Maybe that is why I've feeling better. My neck, shoulder and upper arm have given me the most problems. I had a couple of days I didn't feel well... runny nose, headache or just felt really tired. But all the other... virtually none.

Wonder how long that will last? The weather is wet and it is still raining. They say snow tonight but I am hoping not. The fact that two low pressure cells have blown thorough and I have little pain sort of blows a hole in my theory of low pressure contributing to the pain. Seriously, go back and browse the blogs. You'll see, despite the stress of the last three weeks that my complaints of pain seem to have bottomed out. I do think I had a back problem about two weeks ago but I really think that is because I was sitting too much at work. But if you ask me what is hurting right now.... the trapezoid muscle and neck to my jaw and cheek bone... all related. That's it.

I'm going to go get a hot shower. Then food. Then, I have about three shows I want to watch. I promised Kat I'd get online tonight around 8. Hope to do that too. I shall do it all enthroned on my bed.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Feeling the Rush!

Did you feel it? That gale force wind that just went through. Yes, that one! What a busy day! I'm nearly done. It is after four and I'm coming up on five with absolute joy.

I'm going home and clean up the dishes but first I have to stop off at the store and pick up some stuff for the writers' meeting. I was going to meet Doug for a sandwich before the meeting but too much to do! He invited the whole group but I think we all are rushing around to get things together and get to the meeting. His wife calls us Doug's Writer's Harem. LOL! She was a real sport about it. Not many women would be so gracious. Takes class to be that way, and in infinite trust. Lucky Doug. Lucky Sharon that she can trust him so much.

I'm feeling better this afternoon, although tired. But I always feel better when the group comes over. I'm lucky to have such a great group of friends. And for the next three weeks we have meetings! LOL, we may be sick of each other by then.... NOT!

Ok, got to go and get the desk organized before I go home. I can't stand coming in to a messy desk. I think somewhere in the photos you will find a photo of my office and my tidy desk. I can't function in all this piles of paper, files and .... junk!

Sometimes, I feel almost normal. I wish it would last.

The Masses

They will start arriving at 8 a.m. this morning. The good thing is that cold, rain, and snow tends to thin the crowd. One can only hope.

I'm not feeling very good this morning. I have a mild headache and am tired. I must have slept like a rock because I don't remember anything after I turned out the light. I was in bed by midnight. Tonight is write's meeting and once that is over I'm going to try to go to bed even earlier. But guess what? I woke up at 6:30. Before the clock. So early to bed, early to rise. I'm not healthy, wealthy or wise. You think it is too soon?

I really just don't feel very good. Runny nose is still giving me fits and my eyes are burning a lot. Not sure what that is but I think it is allergy related. I think the filter may need changing on the central unit. But it could be the RA or fibro.

Ok, work is calling. Got to get going. May not be back until tomorrow.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

End of the Work Day

It is winding down. I feel as if I've accomplished nothing. And yet, I've worked solid since I got here. I'm tired and ready to go home. I came in late because of the doctors' appointments. They are probably going to send me back to the orthopedic doctor about my shoulder. They think the pain I have in my arm now is related to the rotator cuff. {sigh} Am I really that old? EVERYTHING IS FALLING APART! Jerry used to say about some of our cars, "It is time to take the radiator cap off and drive a new car under it." I don't think that will happen here. Screw off my head and put a new body... I'm good with that but I'd like some work on the face.

Today I'm depressed. It is dark and gloomy and I'm not looking forward to going home alone. I'll spend my evening writing I think. Unless I spend it chatting or watching something on HULU. Read? I am not really able to do that now. I will be so glad when it gets warm and sunny. I saw pictures today of a sunlit wood and so wanted to take a walk. The nature preserve near my house is a lovely place to go but it would be a veritable bog and cold today.

I'm looking forward to my cruise, so much so I am wishing it was April.

Writer's Meeting is tomorrow night and I'll enjoy the company of my zany group. They are such fun to be around. What lifesavers they have been this last year. Without them and all of you I do not think I'd have survived this ordeal. Certainly not with any sanity intact.

Tuesday in Drab Rags

I do not believe it is another day swaddled in clouds. I'm heartily sick of them. Went back to work yesterday after my four day weekend. Not fun. I was dreading it and I found it just as tedious as I expected. Amazing how that happens.

I have a doctor's appointment this morning at the Rheumatologist at 8:40, and then I have physical therapy at 9:45. I hope the fist gets me in and out in a hurry. Last time I had to sit there for over an hour. This morning, I can't do that. And won't. Waste of my time if they can't get it together. Since they moved her office it is just not efficient.

My aunt and uncle left going home as I went to work yesterday. I missed them before they were out of sight. It is very hard every time they leave, anyone leaves. I do not know that I will ever get rid of this sense of emptiness and aimlessness.

They kept me occupied. Sarah kept us all occupied for a couple of days. She had a tea party on Saturday night with Poppy. I checked email several times over the course of the weekend and I had so many phone calls and emails and people coming on to chat with me I did not have much time to really think. That was a good thing. It felt as if I has all these friends stopping by all weekend. Sunday was so cold and there was so much ice everywhere that we didn't leave the house until noon to find food.

Now I have this hollow place in my chest. I do not think I will ever be able to close it. I could put both fists in it. It never goes away, never shrinks, never fades. It just exist.

Someone asked me a few days ago how I feel now. Odd that structure. Right now I'm depressed and want to crawl back into bed. I'm that way most mornings. I can't. No choices. Compounds the depression. Survival instincts are very hard to snuff out. In this case it would be homelessness and that is probably worse in some ways that death. I can't make it if I don't go to work. I've been very stressed there and it isn't helping. If I'd had any sense I'd have arranged a vacation but they'd have canceled it because of this software thing.

I am a rudderless ship, a kite whose tail isn't long enough, a feather in the wind. My aunt said I'm not getting enough sleep. Going to bed is also something of a chore. I lie there and think unless I'm so exhausted I fall asleep immediately. I'm taking my meds and probably should be in bed by ten. But I'd only be up earlier. This morning, I woke around 6:30 despite having gone to bed at midnight. I'm still not rested even though I am certain I slept hard. I don't think I turned over. I was still on my right side when I woke up. Probably not a restful sleep.

I didn't go to the Y. I have a cold and my nose was running and I've been sneezing. I finally got it under control but I still didn't feel up to snuff. I got on about 8 and wrote with Kat for a few hours. That is always good to keep my mind occupied and this was a bit different. We are working on a joint post. Very hard actually. We've laughed over how hard. If you are writing in first person in separate posts, you both can't do that in a joint post. One of you has to write third person. Kat decided she'd have to do it since I'd already started the post. I told her next time she could do the lead on it and I'd do third. But amazing how difficult it was for me to write my part of the scene and leave her to fill in the blanks without really knowing where it was going. And difficult for her too! Blind leading the blind kind of thing. You'll have to read it once we get it up. LOL, but it is going to be another day at least. We got the rough draft down but we are both certain it needs a review after we've slept on it. So, tonight we go over it again.

I"m off now to go to the doctor's early. Sorry I've been away so long. Just too much going on and honestly, I've been battling the depression and didn't know what to say that would be worth anything. Thank you to all my friend and anyone who popped in that wasn't on my list of contacts. Your notes and comments have been a comfort.