There is no point in moaning about it. I am going to state emphatically that I will never be a good blogger! I just don’t appear to have whatever it takes to keep it going. Actually, I started a post yesterday and something happened to it. Now, I am starting over.
I always put the blog last on the to-do-list and it shows. The last month I have spent time creating new pages for my website, updated and posted updates to the two sites, cut out the fabric for 4 maternity skirts and one blouse and made two of the skirts, gone shopping for maternity clothes for my daughter-in-law, I have worked 40 hours a week, and done housecleaning on the weekends. My RA has been very painful and I have worked in pain. There is no relief for it, so it seems.
I take 500 mg naproxen sodium twice a day for the RA and it usually takes the edge off. This month, the pain has been an endless expanse. Friday night, finally, I took a doxepin. I was prescribed this antidepressant about 15 years ago for migraine headaches and insomnia. It helps balance the serotonin in the brain. It worked wonders and I didn’t have to take it every day, only as needed. In the last couple of years, the doctors want me to take it every night before bedtime to help me sleep better and keep me from having so many headaches. I have not done that but I discovered Friday night that my pain was less on Saturday morning than usual. By the evening, it had worn off. So, I took another Saturday night. Today is Sunday and the pain is just as bad as it has been for weeks. I am tired of making the effort.
Everything is pushed aside for pain. I don’t want to go to work, I don’t want to write, and I don’t want to be around people. I have to pretend everything is ok or I am a whiner. I have to smile when I feel like collapsing in the floor and screaming or I am depressing to everyone around me. I want to cry but the cistern where they are stored is dry. It doesn’t help at all. Even writing this sounds like I am complaining. That makes me feel worse.
I got so angry last night with Jerry because he had done nothing while I worked overtime yesterday, Saturday. He was supposed to do several things and none were done. He sits in the chair all day, drugged out of his mind on morphine. All his trips are in his mind and he doesn’t even know it.
They are weaning him off Lortabs with the morphine. They have already stopped the Lortabs and upped the morphine. I expect them to start reducing the morphine in a few weeks. He took pain meds for two years for the problem with his back. And he is an addictive personality. He has lost 30 pounds since his surgery but morphine takes away appetite. I have no doubt that once they take him off the drug that he will gain it back.
He was not supposed to pick up anything heavier than a gallon of milk for three months but that doesn’t mean he can’t do other things. He never gets out and walks like they told him. He just sits in his chair and sleeps with the television going. That’s why I know the weight loss is not natural. I have told him he is supposed to walk but he won’t do it. He has taken two walks since December to the end of the street once (two houses down) and another about twice that far.
I guess I am just worn out. I stopped feeling appreciated years ago and I have learned to deal with it as a part of life. I stopped taking my sense of worth from everyone around me. But you get tired, you know. Trying to make sure all the bills are paid, that there is enough food in the house, that the house is clean, and that repairs are done, taxes filed, and appointments are kept. I am doing everything and frankly, some things are beginning to slip. I no longer care if the kitchen floor ever gets fixed, or why the washer is pouring oil by the gallon on the rotten floor in the laundry room or if the spray nozzle ever gets screwed back on, if the leak around the side door is dealt with, or if the cabinets in the garage are ever installed. Today, I want to walk and see what else is out there. Tired doesn’t begin to encompass it.
Saturday, February 4, 2006
Has this been a busy time for me or what! So true. I thought for a bit that I would have to just cash it in and not do the blog at all. But I am not a quiter and will continue to try. I don't know if anyone is even visiting! It says I have had 32 visits but no one says a word. Better no word than "You stink!"
I just posted the latest update to the church website. Please drop by and take a look. I love doing the websites but they take so much of my time when I do the updates. It took me two weeks to do this update and once it was posted, I had a problem with the photo page and had to take another week to find a slide show that would take a lot of photos and still load with some speed. I don't know if I succeded but take a look and let me know.
My website is next on my list. I am going to do a major overhaul on it. It was my very first expriement with website creation and since I have gained greater knowledge I am eager to update it. I do get a lot of compliments on the writing so I will be featuring more of it. I would love to do this stuff for a living.
Becca is as sick as a dog with "morning sickness" that she has most of every day. She has been to the ER three times to be rehydrated. They have been giving her meds which have not worked well. If you know of any good remedies, let us know!
Dave had a bug two weeks ago and was sick all of that Saturday night. The following Monday, Jerry appeared to have it. Only Jerry has been throwing up for the last week, off and on. I was getting ready for work Friday morning and he was in the other bathroom being very sick. He came down the hall and I told him to call his doctor. It was about the nth time I had done so. I also asked him if he was doing this all day every day ,as it seemed like it to me. He said no and then he looked at me and said, "I will be glad when she has that baby." I lost it then and laughed for about five minutes.
My Rheumatoid Arthiritis flared up this week and it was a terrible week but Friday was horrible. The pain in my legs, knees, shoulders and hands was the worst it has been in awhile. Not sure what triggered it because I take 500 mg Naproxin sodium every day. I am supposed to take it twice a day but it is hard on the stomach and so I play conservative with it. Have to keep antiacids handy even then and be sure to eat when I take it. Yesterday, I felt as if I had had no medicine at all. And last night I fell over a basket and caught myself with my hands. Pain is relative... to the abuse you place on your body.
Haven't worked on my writing as much lately because of the website updates. Hope to be back on track with that soon. I have stuff brewing in my head that needs to be on paper.
Also have been crocheting again this week. Working on the hair bun holders. Becca says I should sell these. I will have to upload a picture of one. And I decided to do a baby blanket and I might try a baby sweater or something.
Today I have been paying bills and now I must stop and do the bank statement. I dread that because Jerry and the debit card are not coordinated well. There is always about $100 missing in the register when I try and reconcile it. So he is not to use the debit card except when he absolutely must. Now, he just writes more checks.
I shall sign off now and hope to dash off another post soon. Today, life is grand. But be careful, it can turn in a moment.
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