Saturday, July 31, 2010
This has gotten worse as I get older, this "I have to get up before it's too late" idea. I loved sleeping in. Jerry used to let me whenever possible. If I was off, he caught the phone before it woke me. The ringer was always off by our bed so wouldn't be jarred awake in the middle of the night. I could hear the one down the hall and could pick up. He closed my door so as not to disturb me if someone came. I could sleep till noon. I usually was up by 9 but he'd bring me coffee as soon as he heard me. When Jerry was alive life was more like life. Living was more like living.
Funny. I used to think the term "walking dead" was created for Hollywood movies.
I've change my photo on my page again. You all know I move the furniture frequently. The background is from the Yucatan where I went on my cruise. The banner is a background photo that came with my laptop but is available at Interfacelift. I get a lot of beautiful backgrounds for my computer there and have used some here. I want to be in that place. Mentally if not physically.
Today I pay bills. I usually get straight to it but I don't really want to bother this morning. My statement just appeared in my email. Ugh. Hate reconciliations.
My back was really bad the last few days. I put Valtoren gel on it last night and I think it is better. The arthritis I guess was acting up. I have those lidocaine patches they gave me for that upper back pain but guess what, can't wear them. I knew when I first got them I started noticing that my heart would flutter and it bothered me. I couldn't figure out what would cause it and I was concerned for days. I only wore them a week. But only a week ago or so did I run across something I already knew. Too much Lidocaine will stop your heart. Seriously. I wasn't looking for that bit of information, by the way. That patch was placed over my back, just to the left of my spine. Directly over my heart from the back. Tell me the doctor didn't think of this? Tell me she couldn't possibly have known this to be a problem. I'm highly sensitive to most pain killers anyway. I won't wear it again, although I have about half a dozen. And the flutters stopped after I stopped wearing them.
Sarah just arrived to stay with me while they finish the last of the moving. It is just that usual stray stuff that one has in a move across town and you didn't pack as well as you thought you did. They're very tired but happy with their new place. Please pray for the jobs to keep coming for Dave. He's working temp jobs and they tend to be sporadic. He can't afford that. He needs a steady job to be able to pay his share of the rent.
Well, must go now. Laundry to do, bank statement, kitchen cleanup, bed to make. I think the transmission in my washer is going out. It makes noises now as if it is trying to climb a hill.
Friday, July 30, 2010
Frankly, I should have gone to work. But I kept Sarah for Dave and Becca to finish their moving, too. There was no one else to do it and she couldn't have gone with them. She really took care of herself. I just provided the food and got up to pop in the videos. She did the rest. Since I was here anyway it wasn't any trouble. I have been working on my landlord' handbook, doing the updates. I've finished it and when I get to work on Monday I should be able to print it and have it ready to put in packets. This is something I have to do annually and it always takes a back seat to other projects. I created the handbook and so there is no one else to really do it. If I stop, well, that'd be interesting.
Sarah is gone home now. I took her to the new place and went with Dave to take the truck back and he picked up his car and went home too. It is a much nicer place than they were living. They have a nice balcony, too, so they will enjoy sitting that. There's a pool, too. Dave is a bit annoyed because he can't grill on the balcony but it is a covered balcony and they don't allow it. He didn't know it when they rented the apartment. But I think he'll be all right with it. I told him he could take my portable grill and use it to grill in the back. He loves to grill out.
He's a bit like me. Doesn't like to leave home for much and not crazy about lots of company. Takes it in small doses. I get over stimulated and just feel exhausted afterward and I think he does, too.
I don't know about the weekend. I'm not actually looking forward to it at all. I feel like I'm in the wrong place, that I made a wrong turn or got up in a strange house. I know that makes no sense. So you know what I'm talking about. That's how I feel. It is like waiting for the other shoe to drop, the axe to fall, or some such cliche. I'm sure there are more.
I'm going now. I think I'll look at another Twin Peaks episode. I'm going to miss it when I run out of them. It was such an odd show. A bit serious about some things and tongue in cheek about others. Or maybe I'll write. I'm not ecstatic about what I've done so far. Probably just me.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
She's such a good child. No trouble at all the care for. She never plunders or gets into stuff. She never messes with anything in the house. Of course I don't keep dangerous stuff lying around but even the breakables on the tables she never touches. I probably could lie here and sleep if I wanted. But I can't sleep.
My head is still not right. I've been writing off and on. I figure if I can get that out of this mess, then that's the up side. Might as well use the imagination for something besides torment. I'm a bit worried about it really. It was a very bad attack and I have no defense. I'm very anti-medication for these things because there is no going back. They treat the symptom and not the cause. The cause isn't going away soon, I don't think.
I think I'll lie down now and watch the bears. Sarah has been flitting around between the doll house and video. Maybe I can get her to lie down with me.
I'm astounded at what sent me over the edge. A castor bean plant. Really. Did I tell you I had planted one in the back yard to ward off the moles. They left. Now I've seen these things in gardens and lawns for years. In the back of my mind I knew they were poison. Castor oil comes from the plant. The beans are deadly. I forgot it is ricin, the deadliest poison known to man. Someone reminded me and asked me, Did I know the whole plant is deadly? My mind, stressed beyond normal limits from the last several weeks, simply went haywire. I felt it happen. Had I known that? I don' think so. What if Sarah got into it? What if someone else did? Did I touch it? Yes. Could that poison someone? And the spiral went off the chart.
It is with difficulty I even relate this. I'm a fairly rational person. But I have a very vivid and active imagination that sometimes I can't control. Once started the panic attack doesn't stop because someone says calm down. Thinking becomes absolutely irrational and every fear you ever had is sucked into the spiral and you relive them... repeatedly. You look for terrors where there had been none. They play one by one through a brain overloaded with stress hormones. You can't stop the slide show in your brain and you can't stop the emotional responses to it. You are literally losing your grip on reality. You're going insane.
This is one of the most hellacious conditions imaginable. It is why people kill themselves. It is as real as the clothes on your back, the air you breath. And it is all, every second, in your head. And you know it. And you can't stop it.
So, today, I'm home. I'm out of sick time more or less. I called in at 8 and told them I was sick. A little while ago I called my boss and just told him that I had planned to come in and what had happened. I told him I would come in tomorrow but today I simply was not able to deal with things. He said that was fine. I have a good boss in that respect.
I have no energy left this morning. I am hoping this was a single episode. I had panic attacks several years ago, probably about five years ago. They lasted for several months and got worse and worse. A man in our church prayed for me one night during one of the attacks and they left and I've never had one since.
Your prayers would be appreciated today.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
My dad sent me an email with the following advice. It is excellent advice, most of which I already follow. I do not get very much junk mail... I don't do mass forwards to my friends and so don't end up on lists. I also send junk mail back to the sender in their own envelopes. I'm no longer getting invitations to credit card companies, although I have a high credit rating!
Here is the info for your consumption. I didn't forward it! I posted it on my blog. Aren't blogs wonderful?
The man that sent this information is a computer tech. He spends a lot of time clearing the junk off computers for people and listens to complaints about speed. All forwards are not bad, just some. Be sure you read the very last paragraph.
By now, I suspect everyone is familiar with snopes.com and/or truthorfiction.com for determining whether information received via email is just that: true/false or fact/fiction. Both are excellent sites.
Advice from snopes.com VERY IMPORTANT!!
1) Any time you see an email that says "forward this on to '10' (or however many) of your friends", "sign this petition", or "you'll get bad luck" or "you'll get good luck" or "you'll see something funny on your screen after you send it" or whatever --- it almost always has an email tracker program attached that tracks the cookies and emails of those folks you forward to. The host sender is getting a copy each time it gets forwarded and then is able to get lists of 'active' email addresses to use in SPAM emails or sell to other Spammers. Even when you get emails that demand you send the email on if you're not ashamed of God/Jesus --- that is email tracking, and they are playing on our conscience. These people don't care how they get your email addresses - just as long as they get them. Also, emails that talk about a missing child or a child with an incurable disease "how would you feel if that was your child" --- email tracking. Ignore them and don't participate!
2) Almost all emails that ask you to add your name and forward on to others are similar to that mass letter years ago that asked people to send business cards to the little kid in Florida who wanted to break the Guinness Book of Records for the most cards. All it was, and all any of this type of email is, is a way to get names and 'cookie' tracking information for telemarketers and Spammers -- to validate active email accounts for their own profitable purposes.
You can do your Friends and Family members a GREAT favor by sending this information to them. You will be providing a service to your friends. And you will be rewarded by not getting thousands of spam emails in the future!
Do yourself a favor and STOP adding your name(s) to those types of listing regardless how inviting they might sound! Or make you feel guilty if you don't! It's all about getting email addresses and nothing more.
You may think you are supporting a GREAT cause, but you are NOT!
Instead, you will be getting tons of junk mail later and very possibly a virus attached! Plus, we are helping the Spammers get rich! Let's not make it easy for them!
ALSO: Email petitions are NOT acceptable to Congress of any other organization - I.e. Social security, etc. To be acceptable, petitions must have a "signed signature" and full address of the person signing the petition, so this is a waste of time and you are just helping the email trackers.
Tips for Handling Telemarketers
Three Little Words That Work!!
(1)The three little words are: 'Hold On, Please...'
Saying this, while putting down your phone and walking off (instead of hanging-up immediately) would make each telemarketing call so much more time-consuming that boiler room sales would grind to a halt.
Then when you eventually hear the phone company's 'beep-beep-beep' tone, you know it's time to go back and hang up your handset, which has efficiently completed its task.
These three little words will help eliminate telephone soliciting..
(2) Do you ever get those annoying phone calls with no one on the other end?
This is a telemarketing technique where a machine makes phone calls and records the time of day when a person answers the phone.
This technique is used to determine the best time of day for a 'real' sales person to call back and get someone at home.
What you can do after answering, if you notice there is no one there, is to immediately start hitting your # button on the phone, 6 or 7 times as quickly as possible. This confuses the machine that dialed the call, and it kicks your number out of their system. Gosh, what a shame not to have your name in their system any longer!!!
(3) Junk Mail Help:
When you get 'ads' enclosed with your phone or utility bill, return these 'ads' with your payment. Let the sending companies throw their own junk mail away.
When you get those 'pre-approved' letters in the mail for everything from credit cards to 2nd mortgages and similar type junk, do not throw away the return envelope.
Most of these come with postage-paid return envelopes, right? It costs them more than the regular 44 cents postage, 'IF' and when they receive them back.
It costs them nothing if you throw them away! The postage was around 50 cents before the last increase and it is according to the weight. In that case, why not get rid of some of your other junk mail and put it in these cool little, postage-paid return envelopes.
One of Andy Rooney 's (60 minutes) ideas.
Send an ad for your local chimney cleaner to American Express. Send a pizza coupon to Citibank. If you didn't get anything else that day, then just send them their blank application back!
If you want to remain anonymous, just make sure your name isn't on anything you send them.
You can even send the envelope back empty if you want to just to keep them guessing! It still costs them 44 cents.
The banks and credit card companies are currently getting a lot of their own junk back in the mail, but folks, we need to OVERWHELM them. Let's let them know what it's like to get lots of junk mail, and best of all they're paying for it...Twice!
Let's help keep our postal service busy since they are saying that e-mail is cutting into their business profits, and that's why they need to increase postage costs again. You get the idea!
If enough people follow these tips, it will work ---- I have been doing this for years, and I get very little junk mail anymore.
THIS JUST MIGHT BE ONE E-MAIL THAT YOU WILL WANT TO FORWARD TO YOUR FRIENDS
I had a horrible couple of days. Exhaustion lead to a melt down. I sit and cry every morning before I go to work. I don't know why. I just do. I sit in my empty house and wonder what to do. I need to crawl into a hole and pull the dirt in on top of me. I'm really too tired to dig one.
I didn't get a lunch hour yesterday. I spent the entire hour hauling Mike around so he could sell plasma which he didn't sell at all. That won't happen again.
Then, I went home yesterday to find that Mike had left huge sections of the yard uncut the day before. I don't monitor responsible adults. I forgot he is irresponsible. For weeks now he's left areas uncut, areas I can't see if I don't really walk behind the shed or hedges. One area I've pointed out for week. The grass is now over my knees in some areas and over my head in others. I dragged my sister's mower out because mine is in the shop and she let us use her's. I cut most of this stuff down.
The fence David took down still lay on the ground, despite my begging for weeks for him to come and get it up so we could cut that area. Grass grew up in it. He kept saying he couldn't get it up because small trees were grown in it and he had to cut them down to get it out. I went out and PULLED the flipping fence away from the so-called "trees". Mostly grass and vines, not trees. In one place a large tree stump has encased the fence. I can cut this out with an axe. Which I will do this afternoon when I get home. I will also drag the fences to the street along with the metal posts.
By the time I finished, I realized that David had arrived at my house while I was doing all the fence pulling and cutting and was sitting in the air conditioned living room. He was there to pick up the mower and go cut my sister's yard... for pay. I was gasping for breath, sweat rolling off my body, my back was screaming and my arms were hurting. He asked me about the mower. I told him he could do what he wanted that I didn't care. He never batted an eye but rather got smart and ask what my problem was and left with a smart remark.
I then called Mike and told him to never ask me for another thing, not money, not a ride, not to use the computer or the phone. I told Becca that the next time David needed gas money or anything else, he could take a flying leap. I informed them all that I was no longer saving money to leave behind when I was dead. I was going to spend it all on me and my house and hiring professional to do the job the imbeciles couldn't do. I will pay more but at least it will get done and done right.
Today, my back is wracked every time I lift my arm. My neck hurts a bit and my arm hurts.
I'm finished. I'm not wealthy. I have very average income. But if I died before retiring, that retirement money goes somewhere and I have life insurance. So, if I have one dime left by the time I leave this world it will all belong to Sarah when she reaches her 25th birthday. I'm getting the beneficiary forms in my paycheck this weekend.
I'm fed up with leaches and free loaders. I live with this day in and day out on my job but I'll be @#$%#@ if I will be related to them. I WORK for a living. Everyone else needs to do the same. And if they don't want to work or spend the money wisely, don't stick a hand out to me because I'll chop it off at the shoulder.
I'm about to travel.
Monday, July 26, 2010
I went to bed at a reasonable time for me last night but it was nearly two a.m. before I could get to sleep. I tossed and turned and everywhere I lay something hurt, my shoulder, my leg, my knees, my feet, my neck. And I seemed to be suddenly wide awake! It was awful. As a result, I'm a zombie today. I can barely sit here. I'm seriously considering leaving early and going home to sleep. I don't like working this impaired.
Some may notice a new member of my contacts. He may or may not drop in here from time to time and leave comments. Pay him no mind. He can be quite annoying. Very arrogant, opinionated man. Great teacher but well. . . just beware.
I am seriously going to go away somewhere in August or September. I need some peace and quiet. My aunt and uncle have extended an invitation. I believe I mentioned that already. I'm either going to accept that or, if they decide not to go anywhere, I'm going on my own. I just want to run away for a few days.
You know, I'm just generally confused about things. I don't really know what I want but I want to stop running so fast. That is what it feels like. I'm just on this wheel that goes round and round and I end up nowhere but dizzy and worn out.
Some of the problem is internal. I get unbearably lonely but manage to redirect my attention at times so it is something I can deal with in short bursts. But it never really goes away. There is no fix for it. I'm not one to fill up time with empty pursuits but it is very hard to focus. I watch a lot more t.v. than I've done in years. I still can't read much. It seems to take more energy than I have. I don't have that many close friends to occupy my leisure time. And writing is in fits and starts. I force myself to do it.
I said somewhere recently, most of my close friends have been male but I'm not looking for boyfriends either. My early marriage was spent with my husband and his friends. I had none. Our first few years in the military I would often have an extra place for one of the single guys that worked with my husband and who had no family for holidays and special occasions. I was the girl they all said they wished they'd got. I remember one fella who said he was going back home to Georgia and see if he could find a girl just like me! I laughed and told him I was from Alabama. He said it was close enough.
But I'm not a fool. I know that in the grand scheme of things there is usually only one great love. I had it. It wasn't one of those sappy movies. It was real life in the trenches but there is no way to even come close to that again. When I think about it, it just boggles my mind that I had such a man in the first place and seemed not to have noticed it very much. Oh, I knew it but it seemed normal to me. It wasn't. The way that I was loved is inexplicable and impossible. I even told him that on several occasions and he couldn't see it. They do not make these men anymore. There are no more heroes in the ranks. They are leaving the planet one by one. More's the pity.
I suspect the biggest culprit to the general unhappiness is the inability to find my way in the dark. It's dark. It's always dark. Glimmers of light slip past here and there but slip away just as quickly. I was thinking I don't remember laughing a real laugh for a very long time. I laugh but I walk away and there is no lingering joy, fun, or humor. And I have no direction. Someone stole my compass. I can't remember that no one is going to deal with insurance, leaks, crumbling walls, tall grass, and heavy loads. No one is going to rub my back when it hurts, hold my hand when I'm sick, and bring me coffee for no reason.
It isn't only Monday that is without end.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
At any rate, I'm sitting watching Twin Peaks. I've never seen the whole series. Only saw a few when it was originally on. LOL, it's really pretty good. And Kyle is sooo easy on the eyes!
Been writing this weekend. I think it is .... good? Well, I don't actually like it. But someone, actually two someones, once said I should write what I'm uncomfortable with. I've been doing that. It is... uncomfortable. LOL.
Ok, time for bed. g'nite!
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Mike was on the phone. I think with my aunt. He's been on the phone most of the day or on the internet. This is his problem. He never shuts up. Never. He's going to start the yard work I hope so it won't be such a huge job for everyone. And will burn off some of his energy.
He started on the yard and ran out of gas. So we're waiting for Dave to get back.
I'm tired but I've done very little since this morning. Mopped the floors, cleaned the sinks, and fixed the blade on the ceiling fan. It was loose and i just noticed it. Also fixed the light fixture with my trusty hot glue gun. A screw had fallen out of the ceramic socket and there was no way to put one back in. It has been this way for a long time. I just got fed up and took hot glue and put on it and stuck it up there. Presto.
I've been sitting in the den all day looking out at the oven. Here it is 7 pm and still 93 degrees. Miserable. Too miserable to enjoy my patio or yard. I've been watching t.v. shows all afternoon and writing some. I feel so stifled in the writing but I know the fix is to write. But I've done a lot, over 1500 words. in two days... about two hours work, 177 of those were done yesterday on a break. So, its ok. Becca sat and listened to me read it this afternoon to her. She cut her eyes at me and said, "So where's the rest of it?" I told her I was working on it.
Well, Dave is back and I have to go for now. Got to get the yard done. They've gone to get Sarah and she will be here shortly. I suspect stories will be in the offing. My sister has had her all afternoon and she's tired.
It is a sunny Saturday and I want to badly to go out and just site under the red umbrella but it is already over 85 and the grass is high which means mosquitoes will be around in the little shade I have. I have to get the mower to the store today if I have to push it. It's a long, long way. I am praying for someone who wants yard work to pass by and stop.
I haven't written much this week because I've simply pushed the grindstone hard so I'd not be so buried the rest of the month. Yesterday set me back. I had to work on utility allowance charts rather than my real job. My boss sent me an email and ask me to review them in the system to see if they were correct after corporate has entered them. He said, "If you say they are correct I'll accept it as gospel." Truth is, he had no clue where to look.
The biscuit and sausage and cherry is now history. I'm now working on the coffee.
My house is quiet. And I hope today it will stay that way. My aunt and I were talking about a mini vacation in a month or so to the Chattanooga area or Lookout Mountain. I have to get away. I was planning it on my own, as I think I mentioned, but just couldn't get an idea as to what I wanted. She called and said my uncle wanted them to meet me somewhere and was I interested. I told her what I'd been doing and even sent her the link to two places I had thought about going. I suspect a hotel would be cheaper but I found two charming bed and breakfasts that I though would be so relaxing. Something different with a friendlier atmosphere. Anyway, she's going to check on things and get back to me.
She wanted me to come down on the weekend of Aug 6th because Stuck in the Middle and my niece, Kayla, will be there but I just didn't want to go. That is Jerry's birthday and I've had a difficult time with such days. And honestly, what I need it to go somewhere to get away from everything. I don't need to feel obligated to be company. Does that sound odd or unfriendly? I do have a wonderful time when I get to see my sister and niece. They are loads of fun and we all get along well. But I'm running on empty at the moment. I'm all out of whatever it takes for us to deal with people. When I go with my aunt and uncle, they sort of leave me to do my own thing.
Yesterday, I got a call about Mike from Becca. He had gone back to the "girlfriend's" house last week against my better judgment. Did I mention about having to go and get him last Sunday? If I didn't I won't. Just know it was a bad weekend. They were on the verge of a breakup. Think two unstable people trying to cope with emotional insecurity and mood swings. Yes. That bad. I told him not to go back, to just let things go for a bit. They don't KNOW one another. Well, he had her come get him anyway. I wasn't liking what I was hearing sand seeing from her at all and my gut said don't go. He's crazy and won't listen.
Mike is a pain in the neck and does dumb things but he isn't a bad person and has never done anything more than run his mouth about things. He's never been in trouble, never done drugs, never drank, doesn't smoke. So, the call came yesterday while I was at lunch with Carolyn, my friend from work, and again, I won't go into it but I was terrified. I couldn't go get him because I'd told him I wouldn't if he had a problem again. But this was a serious situation that could come down on all of us. I must have looked like death because Carolyn got worried about me. She's a good friend and she doesn't usually react too much. She knows Mike very well. He adores her because she listens to him when he's upset. But she was clearly concerned. I was a wreck. She came down to check on me several times the rest of the afternoon. Mike finally got home later that day but I told him under no circumstances could any of them ever come back to David's and my homes. If he chose to continue the relationship he was own his own.
I need to get away from all my responsibilities as a family member. It is horrible to say. I adore my children beyond reason. I have nothing left in my life of any merit but my family. If something happens to one of them, I doubt seriously I'll survive that. I'm done. Being invited to my aunts in two weeks normally would be fun but I really just don't want to cope with all the personal turmoil involved in family groups and trying to be a normal human being and react normally. I want peace. I just want to sit somewhere and not be required to do more than look at the landscape and not think. I don't want to talk on the phone or listen to anyone tell about their happiness or how wonderful life is for them. Life isn't wonderful. I don't want to listen to anyone's troubles because I can't afford to feel sympathy or empathy. All of those things act like salt in an open wound. I know that sounds nuts and even awful. But this is the first time I've ever been this close to a nervous breakdown and for me to admit that should tell you how very bad it is.
Now that I've spilled my guts and got that out, I have to go. I've spend nearly an hour here writing this. Well, between cooking, eating, and editing. I'm making lots of mistakes but the little feature that allow you to click and correct is very wonderful.
I'm going now. I hope everyone has a really good weekend. I'm lying low. It is too hot to go anywhere and I don't know where I'd go anyway.
Friday, July 23, 2010
Pain? Well, it varies and moves from place to place.So, I don't know if it's better. It isn't any worse than usual which means I can function some.
I have been going to bed late and not doing anything but watching t.v.That feels a waste. but I can't focus on anything else it seems.
My grass is high with all this rain and the mower is broken. The self-propelled is not working and we used it last time without it. That won't happen again. It is miserable to push. But I also have no way to haul the thing. I can't get anyone here to help me get it in the trunk. Mike is not home again and Dave is too busy. So, I'm stuck again with a broken mower. This thing is only a year old. Good thing I paid for a warranty. But how to get it to the store?
I have go to work soon so I'm getting off now. I don't know if I'll be back today. Lately, it just hasn't been a priority.
Oh, Doug is looking for the following information. If you can help, will you email me?
If you please, name me characters from books, movies, whatever that...
- Has something horrible hanging over them. ex. Live with disease or disability, lives as a slave, something they have no way to get rid of, they just have to live with it.
- Has an interesting way to deal with their problem. ex. dark humor, laughs at themselves, etc...
Hope your Friday goes well.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
I went home from work and went to bed but couldn't sleep for hours. I dozed here and there and didn't shut off the t.v. until midnight. It was still around 1 a.m. before I slept. I am so tired of everything. Everyone keeps saying I have to stop worrying, stop letting this stuff get to me. I guess if I didn't care about them and wasn't so very disappointed in how my children have turned out it might be easy to do that. They have made horrible choices in every area of their lives. And they are struggling in ways they should never have had to struggle, ways Jerry and I did not want and that we worked so hard to insure they wouldn't have to struggle. It is sickening to watch. David is trying so hard to get on his feet but keeps having these terrible set backs.
Oh, I'm just not going there. It doesn't matter anymore. I can remember when Jerry and I got married how he worked so hard and took care of me. I think maybe two or three times did anyone ever really have to help us and that was usually if a job change happened. But he did it all without asking help as far as I knew. If he did, I have no idea who he asked. He folks would have made sure I knew about it if he had asked them and I had no one on my side he could ask and I don't think he would have. We never had housing assistance, food assistance, or medical care until he was in the service... five years after we married. After that, life was a bit easier. Took several more years to get financially stable but we did it. And when I got the children in school, I went to school and then to work. Thank goodness I did. I'd be in such trouble now.
I really just want to run away. I've been looking at places to go for a weekend but everything is designed for couples and I just can't handle that. "Romantic" getaways! It is very painful to look at some of these and even consider it. Virtually nothing says "Personal space port in a storm" "escape from reality adventure" "Your "Hole in the Wall" hideaway." It is all "sensual" "exotic" "etc.
And there is the loneliness factor. Can you imagine sitting in a beautiful room at some lovely place with no one to share it with? No one to point things out to. No one to laugh at the funny things with. No one to take a walk with or visit a museum with or have dinner with. Imagine sitting in a really nice restaurant in a place you've never been... alone. I can't do it. I don't think I'll ever be able to do it. There is very little that is even enticing. I have no joy in even the smallest things.
If I live long enough and Sarah gets a bit older I could see taking her places and showing her things she might never get to see otherwise but that is such a long way off. I do not know if that will ever be possible. I can't plan it, can't think of a future at all.
Saturday, July 17, 2010
I've had Mike here since last night. He had a melt down where this woman is concerned and had to stay the night. Don't ask me. I don't know and frankly, I'm just too tired and too worn out to deal with all this anymore. I'm tired of taking care of every problem everyone has and never getting one second to rest or relax and enjoy what little life I have left.
There is always a disaster. Mike thinks he's the only person to ever be alone in the world and it is a disaster if he isn't with someone. And of course, all the bad events in his life are MY fault. His disabilities, his 1st marriage, his divorce, his inability to cope, work, and function, and global warming. He was trying to find someone to call so he could talk to them. Cheerful person that I am, I told him when you need people the most, they are usually somewhere else. And people get very scarce when you are depressed. They're so afraid they will be dragged down.
I suppose in a way it is true. I imagine it is why I blog. You either read it or you don't and I don't have to beg someone to sit with me, hold my hand, or come stay with me. You either read it and respond or you don't. And those who do probably do really care and want to help, even if they know they can't be more than moral support.
It is just not really a good week or month or year or even decade. They say troubles come in seven year cycles. I guess I'll have to try and read my blogs back and see if there was a starting point. If I'm lucky, I'm near the end of the seven and something good is ahead.
I don't believe it but it sounds good.
I'm at the point I'd like to erase the board and start over. Reformat the hard drive and reinstall the operating system. Of course it is impossible. Starting over isn't possible. Changing the course of history isn't possible. Unmaking decisions, undoing what's done. Not going to happen. And there is no light at the end of the long dark tunnel of night.
I'm going. This is pointless mully-grubbing.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Doug met me at the meeting and afterward we found a table and talked about what we were doing and his writing goals challenge. Doug has invited our group to set up some defined goals and keep tabs on one another and makes us all accountable for meeting the goals. So far. . . only Doug and Cassie and I have responded to his email but I don't think Cassie set any goals. I've set mine so we'll see. I don't know if our group is going to continue but Doug wants to try and salvage it if possible. I'm not so optimistic. At any rate, the buddy system is a good idea and both of us need that kind of pressure to do what we need to do.
My goal? I plan on devoting one hour to writing related work and try to write 300 words a day. It can't be blog writing. It has to be only on the fictional writing. I scheduled a reminder on Google calender and shared it with Doug. If any of the rest of the group wants to participate we can add them to the calendar list. It will send a reminder around 8 pm to ask if we've met the goal for the day. That's a nice touch. I may set the reminder a bit earlier so if anyone has forgotten, it will serve as a reminder and there will still be time to get the goal in.
Have I said I love Google? I love Google and all it's little features.
So, I've started with the St. John's Wort again. I went off for about two months. The last few weeks, with all the pain issues, has sent be back into a slump. I'll see how it goes. Last night was really good for me. I always feel better when I can get with people who share an interest. The writing goes better and ideas come easier.
Must tell you about my shower. LOL. After I came home last night I was in the shower, head lathered and thinking. Remember my challenge about the guy named Striker? Well, I kept thinking that his name was not Striker and that the story was part of something else. Someone suggested he might have a connection to Simon. I didn't think so. I was rinsing my hair when a thought popped into my head. I'm not telling you the whole thing... I'd like to write it. But it was that "Striker is ______" I stopped mid-suds and said, "Oh my God!" I heard it again and said, "Oh my God!" But louder this time. Then I was saying it over and over and running around in the shower (metaphorically speaking) Mentally I wanted to jump out and grab my laptop. LOL, I didn't. But I did hurry and get done and dressed.
So, now I'm wanting to get back into Simon's story. Oh, anyone want a title? "The Dream Stealer" How's that?
In other news, anyone use the program yWriter? I encourage you to check it out if you are a writer. I downloaded it about three years ago but as you all know, things sort of headed south back then and I never really got to do more than give it a cursory look. Played with it a bit and forgot it.
Well, Doug emailed and asked me if I'd heard of it. Told him the above but then decided I should go back and take a closer look. What was wrong with me? This program is what I need to use to structure and organize my writing! There are all kinds of bells and whistles: a synopsis creator that would act as a formal outline, a word counter, a goal timer, and that's just a few of what I've found. It allows you to create chapters and scenes and add characters with bios, descriptions, and photos. You can add locations and items. You have scene descriptions that are used to formulate the synopsis and well, it is really a program designed for writers. . . by a writer. There is a link on Dixie's Writing Challenge Blog but I'll put it in my links as well. And here: yWriter - Free novel writing software
I think that will just about do it for me. It is lunch time and I've been working on this off and on since 8 a.m.!
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Hope to fine a comfortable position in the bed tonight. I think the back and neck pain if from too little good sleep. Very hard to get it lately.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
I stayed there a year or so and then started on the now defunct Yahoo 360. There I met several wonderful friends. When that began to fall apart, I followed Jilly to Multiply and some of my friends followed me here. Some of those have fallen away but I made new friends! I'm glad I came.
I started this blog at 9 this morning and had to get off. I spent the morning taking care of Sarah until after lunch. Dave and Becca had something to do and then we had lunch together. I cleaned house while Sarah played this morning. After we had lunch, they hung around until around probably until around two. They decided not to do the zoo today. Too hot and Sarah was tied from being up so long without a nap.
Mike and Rachael are not getting married. At least not for now. They've decided to wait a bit and see if they still want to later. I'm relieved in one way. Both of them have way too much baggage to start with and I was really concerned. They don't know one another well enough to get married.
I did another challenge earlier. Nina tried #1 and her story is good, too. I'm impressed with the way they have worked for everyone. It is encouraging. I'm on to something here. Of course, it always worked for me. Don't think mine was very good but it was late, I was tired, and I wasn't really into it. The second one I did seemed a lot better to me. Don't know if I'll do another soon. I have something I want to try and taking a challenge will distract me.
I hope you have all had a good weekend. I'm going now. It is after 6 and I'd like a hot shower, some comfy clothes and a nice glass of something cold... tea or diet Dr. Pepper would be good.
Friday, July 9, 2010
I've emailed the boss and asked if we could shut down at 4:30 but I don't think he'll respond. If he doesn't, I'll make an executive decision. LOL! We will shutdown.
I want to just go home and sit on my couch again. If I'm lucky it would storm, too. I'm so bored I can't even begin to make this interesting. Jilly's repeated invitation has gnawed at me and I wish I could catch a plan in a few weeks and fly away. It chafes that I can't.
Days when there is virtually no pain are a bit frustrating because I want them to last longer and I know they won't so I'm hesitant to start anything long term. Today could be a really good day if I was home. Tomorrow I will be and who knows what it will be like when I wake up. So, I'll sit up tonight a bit longer than usual to squeeze every drop from the day and hope I have a good one tomorrow. I am supposed to keep Sarah for a bit in the morning. That might be fun.
I'm stopping for now. Hope I'll have something later. I'm in super-post mode at the moment. Can't stop posting blogs!
Thursday, July 8, 2010
The house is quiet and I have candles burning here in the living room where I am sitting on the sofa. Every light is off except for a lamp on the desk in the study. Since I got my laptop I spend less and less time at that desk. It has freed me up considerably and I think that is a good thing. Although the plan was originally so I could take it away from home with me. I haven't done that much since the first month or so. I can't leave it in the car and it is heavy to lug around. Tonight is a good evening. I'd like tomorrow to be a free day but I have to work. I am also "in charge" while the boss is out. Really it means nothing. Well, it means if anything goes wrong I'm responsible for it. But that's all.
I went to the company picnic. Carolyn and I sat and played Uno for over an hour after lunch and then a bunch of the girls joined us and we sat and talked the rest of the time. We left at 3:50 for home. I was ready for it. Boring day other than the cards. I got an hour off. I have four hours of work behind now so it is a poor trade.
I have been posting the challenges to Multiply and Dixiegirl's Writing Challenge on Blogger but I think I may just put them on the blogger blog only. It was what I designed the blog for and I like it that way. My personal blog isn't really a writing blog and non-writers won't be interested in them anyway.The challenges are unique so I want them separated. They will be deleted from Multiply eventually but the link to the blog will be in my links section. Anyone who wants to play them is welcome to do so. They are to intended as exercises, like sit ups, to get ideas flowing. I don't expect the stories to amount to anything but if someone finds themselves with a story, I'd say run with it.
I'm hungry for a real vacation, away from everything and everyone. I'd love to go somewhere and sit by a pool for a week. It would be so nice. Mike will be married soon and she can deal with his problems. Dave and Becca are fine although Becca likes to talk to me every day. . . several times a day. I'd have my phone so she could. LOL.
I think I'll go get me a glass of iced tea now. I'm getting tired and it is nearly nine o'clock. I have to get up tomorrow early. But first, a chat with Kat!
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
It was a typical "Monday" in that it was the first working day of the week and everyone had to have something, every problem had to arise, and every thing was important. I hate Mondays... even on Tuesday!
So, I'm done for the night. I've still not recovered from the weekend. Hope everyone else is doing all right. Seems the writers are having fun with the challenges. I'm looking forward to reading the stories that come out of them.
Tomorrow is HUMP day! Yay!
Monday, July 5, 2010
I got up to go with them and even dressed but I didn't make it past the foot of the bed. I was so tired and so stressed I just dropped to the floor and started to pray. I've never been so tired and so worn out. I couldn't have gone another step if I wanted to.
When I got up a few minutes later I called Dave and told him I just couldn't come. They were in the ER already. He was fine and she she was actually feeling better. He told me she that she had just thrown up a ball of mucus. He said, "Mom, that was the awfullest thing I ever saw. It was the biggest wad of mucus I've ever seen."
On the way to get her medicine, she threw up again and they had to come by and wash her up, change car seats and her clothes. Fortunately she had clothes here since we have been doing laundry for the lice issues. Again, it was a large amount of mucus.She was hoarse but in good spirits. She showed me her dinosaur the x-ray techs gave her and we cuddled a few minutes and I told her a story. She is just such a sweet child.
When they left I passed out. Several calls came in and I was ready to scream but finally people quit calling and I got about three hours of uninterrupted sleep. I'm still tired and I think I will have a nice quite evening with NO company. I love being with my family but I've had enough togetherness for one weekend. Thankfully, this will only be a four day work week. I hope I can manage it.
I appreciate all the feed back on the Writing Challenges. Some have already sent me a copy of their stories and I am so pleased. They are really very good! LOL! Grammy and Nancy were a bit overwhelmed by my putting up four this weekend but I am experimenting with cross posting to the Writing Challenge blog. It hasn't worked right so far and I'm frustrated. It works for my other blog but for some reason it that one. So, you may see others go up.
If you want to participate in the Writing Challenges you don't have to do them all, you don't have to do them in any order, and you don't have to even acknowledge you are doing them. Although, I do like knowing the outcome and if you enjoyed it. And it isn't much of a challenge if no one knows!
I mentioned in the comments somewhere this morning that these are the kind of prompts that get me writing. I don't care for one line prompts much. Maybe I just need more help, lol. My belief is that the forcing myself to follow certain parameters actually gets me to write more "story" in an effort to stay in the guidelines. You can be the judge with your own stories.
I'm not up to par this morning. Thankfully, I am not in terrible pain. LOL. When I finally got up I had some places I was hurting really bad but I think it was position mostly. My back was hurting last night and I couldn't go to sleep until I pulled my legs up, knees sticking up! Released the pressure on my lower back. I also kept checking the bedroom door! I don't know what that is about but I'd doze off and then, wake and look at the door. I don't know. I just know I'm tired.
I may have to move my bed back if that keeps up. But there is no position I can place it where I could actually see to door unobstructed. At the moment it is behind me and at my feet. The only other way would place it at my head to my left. It is a small room. The only other way would be to cover my air vent and I don't think that's a good idea.
Thank you all for being on Multiply with me. It is always good to be able to come here and visit.
Sunday, July 4, 2010
The child's head is eat up with lice. YES! head lice. Becca called nearly beside herself. Becca has the thickest hair on the planet with a braid thick as my wrist. She caught head lice as a child. Her memories are not good. Her had was shaved.
She gathered up the child and took her to my son's, waking them up. She told her mother about it, asking if she knew when they came last week that the girl had head lice. Arica had told Becca her mother did know because she'd treated her several times in the last several months! The child lives with her father and a girlfriend. Her mother lives with a brother. But honestly, hearing Becca's story of lice falling on to the towel, there is no way this child could have had such an infestation and the mother not know if she was paying any attention to that child.
Dave went to the pharmacy and got kits to treat Becca and I and Sarah. I sent Mike to get two for Arica and Jordan since they found Jordan has them too! I called and they used one treatment for BOTH children after I told him you have to use one for each person. You have to wash the hair and then comb it to get rid of the nits. They sent the kids to bed with the combing gel still in the hair! Idiots! I understand if they didn't know but apparently they aren't losing any sleep over it and I'm guessing that is all the treatment they will get. They can shave the boys heads but Arica has already had her hair chopped off and I'm betting that is why.
We are using the shampoo treatment today. Becca and I are both so terrified. I nor my children have ever had head lice and I wouldn't know it if I saw it. I saw some places on Arica's head but I too thought it was eczema. From the moment Becca found this a week ago she has been worrying and questioning it. David has eczema and she knows what it looks like. It wasn't clicking for her. I told her last night that she must have known without realizing it and it wouldn't leave her alone. Not until she washed Arica's hair and sat down to thoroughly examine it did she find it.
Oh, I'm so furious. Aobut the child and how awful she must feel. We just love her and enjoyed her so much. The little girl cried when Becca had to take her back to her mother. She didn't want to go.I can't have any of them back here until I'm sure they are clear of the head lice.
I was up until 5 a.m. washing the bedding in hot water where she lay on the spare room bed after we got back from the zoo. She was so excited about some books I gave her and lay down to read and went to sleep. I still have stuff to wash. I have a spray for it too. I don't think either Becca, Sarah or I have caught them but we have to treat it just the same. My whole house has to be cleaned top to bottom. I felt so good yesterday and now, I'm exhausted.
I want to wring my son's neck. Mostly, I just feel terrible sending a 10 year old child back to people who won't care if her head is filled with bugs. No one is taking care of this little girl and it turns my stomach. Why God gives children to people like this is beyond me. I see it every stinking day in my job and I am just so tired of it.
If you have a surefire remedy, let me know please. I stayed up and vacuumed the floors, sprayed the spare bed and living room furniture with the pesticide that comes in the kit. I still have to tackle the den where they have been playing for two weeks. I have to mop all the floors and sanitize them.
I have to treat MY bed just in case. She didn't sleep there but she was all over the house. We've accepted her as a member of the family and she is such a sweet child! No trouble at all. Poor Becca has gotten so attached and I thought she would kill someone last night. As I said, her experience was horrible when she was this age. She wanted to wring that woman's neck for Arica.
Ok, I have to go. I'm so tired and you all know what lack of sleep will do to me. Before I dozed off this morning I wondered why it is that one lovely day always cost me everything. I've told Mike he can't come back here until they are all clear and his house is cleared.
Saturday, July 3, 2010
It is situated on a heavily wooded tract of land with lots of up and down pathways. It wasn't really that hot today but we worked up a sweat walking the miles of path. There were lions and tigers and a tapir. OH MY! Sarah had a wonderful time. Becca had never been to our zoo and had been told it was boring and small. She ended the day happy she went and with a family pass. It is a lovely little zoo. We have lots of photos to put up soon.
We ended up after ice cream, around 4 p.m. at my house. Exhausted. Mike, Rachael, and Rachael's oldest son, Jordan came over. They had fireworks. I bought pizzas and sodas and we sat out back and Mike took care of the entertainment. I wish we'd had cameras at the moment the strange propellered rocket decided to chase him across the yard. Or the moment he thought one rocket was done and it wasn't... just in time. We all laughed uproariously and cautioned him to wait longer. However, we all had a great time and enjoyed the show immensely. Mike remained intact but Jordan and David got burned playing with fireworks. Tsk, tsk, tsk. Actually, Jordan's was a mishap with a match. David had a short fuse.
Every one is gone now and I have to go to bed. It is nearly one a.m. Church is tomorrow. I suspect I'll be up early anyway. But what a very lovely day it was. I had no pain to speak of, except my hip bothered me for a short while during our zoo trip but then, the paths are very steep in some places.
Oh, and thanks to the seeming success of the writing challenge, I've actually started a blogger blog, Dixiegirl's Writing Challenge. I'll still post them here but they will all be in one place on Blogger. Drop by and take a look. I have the first three already up. I don't know how frequently I'll post one but future challenges will go up on Multiply and cross post. I put three up on blogger today only because I wanted to get the blog set up and see how it worked. I've pleased with it. I'll post the other two here soon. Grammy Blicktx and Nancy both did excellent jobs on their stories and have them posted. Can't wait to see who else does one and how it comes out.
Now, bed! What a day!
Friday, July 2, 2010
When I went to bed, I slept crazy and not sound. I was in this half waking state for hours. And I dreamed a lot. Yes, I'm exhausted this morning but I have to go to work... very soon! I think this is what tramadol does to me. Seems like last week when I took it I had a heavy dreaming state but not a restful sleep.
I dreamed I was living in this desert. Becca was there for some reason and puttering around the car. At least I think it was her. And Jerry was there. I don't remember what we were doing and I have no idea why we were there. I've never been to such a place. Looked like the Arizona desert, cactus and everything. A HUGE rattlesnake was in the flower bed and he had a head almost like an alligator, shape-wise I mean. I was on the porch and looked down and saw him. Jerry was nearby.
I watched as the snake rose up and began to move toward him. I was trying to tell him to get away and to hurry. But I don't think I got it out because he was just looking at me and then I saw it strike behind him and bite him on his right hand, on one of his fingers. He sort of looked at it and I began to scream instructions. "JERRY! RUN! GET OUT OF THERE! Becca we have to get him to the hospital!" I turned to run inside the house.
Either in my head or out loud I said, "He's been bitten before. We have to hurry." And then, I don't remember anything else. I think, it feels as if I dreamed other things too but that is the only one I remember.
I woke up with relatively little pain but I'm tired.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Three men are sitting at a bar in a seedy, rundown room. One is wearing a black trench coat. The second is wearing a pair of overalls. The third is wearing a uniform. You must address these three items: Where are they, what is going on and why they are where they are?
Here are the rules:
1. You must use 1st person point of view.
2. You may use one of the three characters as your POV character but no character already in the room other than the three can be used for POV. Other people can be there and interact but not as the POV Character.
3. You can bring in a fourth character from the outside and use that as your POV if you like but if you do it must be a woman and she must be in need of help in some way, trivial or otherwise.
4. At some point the following phrase must be used: "You want ice for that?"
You need at least 500 hundred words to do this justice. I'm betting you get more.