Descent

Came home from work and had a panic attack yesterday. Lasted until the wee hours of the morning. Becca came and stayed the night with me. I do not know if I'm better. I'm not having irrational thoughts, fears, and reactions at the moment. I'm exhausted. I remember 3:30 a.m. and that is the last thing I remember. I woke at 5:45 a.m. and again when the clock went off at 6:30.

I'm astounded at what sent me over the edge. A castor bean plant. Really. Did I tell you I had planted one in the back yard to ward off the moles. They left. Now I've seen these things in gardens and lawns for years. In the back of my mind I knew they were poison. Castor oil comes from the plant. The beans are deadly. I forgot it is ricin, the deadliest poison known to man. Someone reminded me and asked me, Did I know the whole plant is deadly? My mind, stressed beyond normal limits from the last several weeks, simply went haywire. I felt it happen. Had I known that? I don' think so. What if Sarah got into it? What if someone else did? Did I touch it? Yes. Could that poison someone? And the spiral went off the chart.

It is with difficulty I even relate this. I'm a fairly rational person. But I have a very vivid and active imagination that sometimes I can't control. Once started the panic attack doesn't stop because someone says calm down. Thinking becomes absolutely irrational and every fear you ever had is sucked into the spiral and you relive them... repeatedly. You look for terrors where there had been none. They play one by one through a brain overloaded with stress hormones. You can't stop the slide show in your brain and you can't stop the emotional responses to it. You are literally losing your grip on reality. You're going insane.

This is one of the most hellacious conditions imaginable. It is why people kill themselves. It is as real as the clothes on your back, the air you breath. And it is all, every second, in your head. And you know it. And you can't stop it.

So, today, I'm home. I'm out of sick time more or less. I called in at 8 and told them I was sick. A little while ago I called my boss and just told him that I had planned to come in and what had happened. I told him I would come in tomorrow but today I simply was not able to deal with things. He said that was fine. I have a good boss in that respect.

I have no energy left this morning. I am hoping this was a single episode. I had panic attacks several years ago, probably about five years ago. They lasted for several months and got worse and worse. A man in our church prayed for me one night during one of the attacks and they left and I've never had one since.

Your prayers would be appreciated today.