Thursday, May 3, 2018

My Week in Review

Been a long time since I posted here but I have so much news I decided it would be easier to disseminate. So for those of you still checking in, here we go. Monday has apparently become clean the house day because that will get me thru the week. Mike came and dug out the flower bed but I couldn't get to the planting because I was too tired after cleaning and laundry all day. I did put Castor beans in the ground. These will drive out the voles and moles, whose tunnels are causing a tripping hazard in my yard. It will take a few months but once they take root, those critters will head for daylight. This is an old gardeners trick. Tuesday.. funny, I don't remember a lot of it. I had a sleep doctor appt and that went well although, she said I needed to go to bed earlier so I don't need those 2 hr naps every day. She's probably right, but I've always been a night owl. If it wasn't for Sarah, I could sleep late in the mornings. 20 days of school left! I came home and spent the day reading. Sarah and I went to the grocery story after school, and then spent time doing her math homework. I was in bed by 9:30! Tuesday is the first day I've been on the computer for a week, I think. Wednesday I cut the yard, moved some edging stones around to the front to line the walk (I used the mower and trailer to move them, I'm not totally insane yet), and I was planning when she got home to get the seed in the ground! That didn't happen because the day caught up with me. I fell asleep in the chair for about a hour. I was still in bed by 10, though. I've also been walking. Went one day last week and couldn't walk .3 of a mile without nearly having to crawl back to the car. Both my hips were in agony. Upset me a bit because the future looked bleak. I waited and went back Monday and this time, I just walked around the small lake near the VA cemetery. The photo is a shot from the parking area, across the lake. I made it around 3 times but I had to sit on one of the benches each round to rest my hips. Went back Tuesday and made it 4 times with one rest, and that got me .5 of a mile! Yesterday, I made it .5 again with only one stop. So, maybe the future is not so bleak. Since my back injury and all the steroids they put me on, I gained too much weight! It will probably take a while to peel that back off. However, if I can keep walking, I might make a dent in it. The pain in my hips is probably a combination of too much weight, weak muscles from sitting around for 9 months, and the arthritis. The good news is, a short break between laps seems to make it ease up. So, I'm shooting for distance rather than speed. Once I can get around a half mile without stopping, I can try for more distance. There are benches around the lake but once I start hoofing around the cemetery, there are no places to sit... unless I pick a tombstone. There are some monuments with benches up on the hill but I'm nowhere near tackling that. So, now you're caught up for the week. We'll see how the rest of it goes.

Saturday, March 17, 2018

End of the Line

It has been a long and strange journey on this blog. I seem to have lost the impetus to keep it going and I'm a bit sorry about it. I used to enjoy posting about the people and events in my life. I do post on my writing blog and sometimes on Rendered Praise but even that one has languished a bit and both are different. I'm not sure anymore what I want to do... or say.

My world has never recovered since Jerry died, not really. I mean, I've gone on with my life, such as it is. I'm still here. No, I haven't met someone. You actually have to see people for that to happen. I've stayed here in my home, raising my granddaughter. I retired, as you'll remember if you've read along. I thought I'd be able to write more. I got sick, and sicker, and sicker until I despaired of even living at times. How do you function when you're in so much pain all the time and you feel like you're on the wrong train?

You just keep going.

The truth is, I've never been able to right the upside-down world I was thrown into. There was just nothing normal about my life anymore. Nothing made any sense at all. More and more I found myself not wanting to write. Not wanting to do the things I used to do. I don't want to cook but I have an 11 yr old who has to eat. You'd think I'd lose weight but no, I gain it! I'm too tired or too sick to go out and exercise. Or it is so freaking cold or wet that it is impossible. Even the back surgery I had to repair the ruptured disk, although it made some things tremendously better, has not really made much difference in what I do.

I feel like a door is closing and maybe it is. This is probably the last post here I'll do. Maybe it is because I've just been sick for months with colds and I'm still sick with one, milder though it is. I really don't know. My immune system is very low now.

I just know that I don't have anything left to say. The interesting things, at least to me, have declined to the point that there is nothing I really enjoy doing. There are no family stories to relate because there is no family left. There are no work tales to tell because I can't work anymore. There are no exciting people or places or things to tell you about. There are plenty of annoyances, frustrations, and sadnesses but who wants to share that? And who wants to read it.

You'll say this is depression. Maybe it is a mild one. I don't even want to try and figure it out.  What I do want to say is thank you. If you've been with me on this convoluted journey, lived thru the nightmare of death, and laughed at my kids, thank you. I don't know why you did it. But I'm glad you did. You remained silent but if you stuck with me, thanks.

As of now, the blog will remain open. I get comments in my email, not that anyone ever does other than one or two here and there. But if you stop by, shoot me a comment to let me know. Will I come back? I don't know. I'm giving myself permission to give up several things this year. I have too many chains weighing me down and the need to shake them off won't leave me alone. I may if there is something good to say. Today, I can't think of one thing.

So I pray you are blessed and I hope I've given you enjoyment with my crazy Life on the Ledge.

Be happy. Be kind. In the end, that's what will count.