The 2024 Roller Coaster Ride Now Open

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Here we are, four days into the new year. I had a lovely Christmas holiday with my sons, Mike and David, my granddaughter Sarah, Mike's girlfriend, Amanda. And I even got some lovely gifts from everyone. We had a delicious dinner, cooked mostly by Amanda, with a bit of help from me. 

New Year's Day we watch the Alabama playoff game. They lost, but they played a good game, except for the guy snapping the ball. McLaughlin was definitely not on his game. All season, he snapped the ball just fine. Suddenly he's all thumbs.

The past four days have just been hectic with trying to get things organized for more people in the house. On the 15th Amanda is moving in for a while. She's wanting to buy, so to avoid getting into a new lease, she'll stay here until she finds what she wants. David is here for a bit, not sure how long, but it is really pleasant to spend some time with him. He's working on his last five college classes. I'm very proud of the way he's pushed to do this. He really messed up highschool but went back in his 30s and now he's nearly finished with his college bachelor's degree. 

Sarah and I are just enjoying being silly with each other. She's still the funniest kid I know. Of course, she's having a bit of a struggle to get back into my routines and rules, but she's coping rather well. We're going to get her state ID this week and then get started on her GED. She didn't want to go back to public school and as a graduate of a correspondent school; I agree it is a good idea. So we'll be tutoring and getting to GED classes.

I'm trying to get my routine back on track. When disruptions happen, it just throws me off for a while. Beginning in early to mid October, I was sick for a couple of months, had my car break down twice, had electrical repairs, an empty freezer, and other unforeseen expenses from October to December. Life keeps kicking me. 

BUT ---

I am blessed. I said, I AM BLESSED! I don't care what my brain says. I don't care what the devil says. I am blessed beyond measure. I'm broke, seriously broke, but I'm blessed. 

May you all have a wonderful New Year. I know the 1st is passed, but may the rest of 2024 be filled with gladness, joy, and spiritual blessing beyond your wildest imaginings. God is good. God reigns supreme. And he is faithful.

 

Sniffling, Snuffling, and Snorting

 After three weeks of illness, I'm beginning to feel human again. For three days now, I've sweated like a miner. No idea why, except it may be my body cleaning itself of whatever made me sick. I suspect, but have no verification, that it may have been covid again. That would be my third bout, if so. Since I don't have fevers and the onset was very slow, I just don't know. I had similar symptoms: headaches, fatigue, and some foods tasted off. Last time I couldn't smell for a year but that doesn't seem to be a factor when cleaning the cat boxes.

I actually thought the B1 had stopped working and my fibro symptoms had started again. Turns out I might have been wrong. I'm thankful the worst seems to have abated and I'm feeling better, still somewhat tired but much better. I have a loose cough and am constantly blowing my nose to clear it out. Things are draining. 

I have plans to travel down to Georgia sometime in the coming week, and from there, I'm going to go to Alabama to visit the graves of my great-grandparents and put grave stones on their graves. They've never had stones, although my grandparents do. When the grands were buried, it was a big expense and the family was rather poor. Their vault covers are above ground and one has a crack in it. I wish I could get that fixed but can't afford it. The other is older, rounded top with metal loops that were used to lower the stone in place. It is sad when the graves get in such contition and there is very little family left to care for them even if they were interested. My siblings and I have tried to keep thing clean and in good shape on my grandparents and mother's grave. My brother is buried there now too. He doesn't have a stone either. Maybe later I can do something about that. 

While in Florida, I'm hoping I can visit other family but I'm on a time crunch and not sure how long I can stay. Mike and my sister, Phyllis are taking care of the cats while I'm away. I don't like leaving them so I guess I'm officially a cat lady. 

I've got the laundry done, the floors vacuumed, and the den curtains washed this week. Phyllis won't have to clean house and I have a long list that I need to take care of when I get home. 

I hope everyone else is well. I just read that October will end in a widespread cold snap, so be ready to bundle up.

48 Birthdays

 

I have a birthday this month, # 67. Recently, I thought about my Mama. She was only 64 when she went home to be with Jesus. I miss her more than just about anything. 

It occured to me that Mama has missed 48 of my birthdays. She never saw me finish high school. She never saw me marry. When I went to Europe, she was not there to see me off, not once but twice. Nor was she there to greet me when I came home.

When my children were born, Mama was not there, nor was she when my granddaughter was born. Mama never rocked my sons or granddaughter. Mama never told them stories about my childhood nor read them stories from books. She never sang Hobo Bill, The Railroad Bum to them, nor Rock-a-Bye-Baby. 

When I needed advice or was in pain, she wasn't there. When I needed prayer, she wasn't there. When my husband died, I wanted my Mama but she wasn't there. My aunt and uncle stepped into as surrogate parents when Mama died but there has always been a hole where she stood. 

Mama never saw me go to college. She never read my articles in the college paper, never read the writing I did in other areas. She never witnessed my graduating from college. The first of her descendants with a degree and she missed it. Magna Cum Laudy, Mama! Can you believe it? I have as brief image formed in my mind of her standing in the audience smiling broadly. It isn't real. She wasn't there. And there is an echo of her voice from a long time ago where she said, "My girl can do anything." 

48 birthdays, Mama. So long, so very long, Mama. 

Songs in My Heart

 I'm not feeling well today. I hurt all over, that wonderful steamroller sensation one gets when you lie down in the road in front of one. I lay down earlier before getting a showerand examined all my pains. They are as follows:

The bottom of my feet, ankles, knees, hips, the palms of my hands, elbows, my left upper arm and shoulder (PT yesterday was extremely rough). The swollen lymph node beneath my left arm hurts and my neck skin hurts. I also have a mild headache.

My sister, Roselynn, asked if I had a fever because my face is very red. I don't run fevers but I am hot after my shower. 

While we sat and chatted, I had a memory. I do not know why, but I remembered a song my Mama used to sing. I can still hear the tune but could find no trace of it online. There are other versions, but they're not at all the same.

A Psalm of Life

BY HENRY WADSWORTH LONGFELLOW

What The Heart Of The Young Man Said To The Psalmist.

Tell me not, in mournful numbers,

   Life is but an empty dream!

For the soul is dead that slumbers,

   And things are not what they seem.

Life is real! Life is earnest!

   And the grave is not its goal;

Dust thou art, to dust returnest,

   Was not spoken of the soul.

Not enjoyment, and not sorrow,

   Is our destined end or way;

But to act, that each to-morrow

   Find us farther than to-day.

Art is long, and Time is fleeting,

   And our hearts, though stout and brave,

Still, like muffled drums, are beating

   Funeral marches to the grave.

In the world’s broad field of battle,

   In the bivouac of Life,

Be not like dumb, driven cattle!

   Be a hero in the strife!

Trust no Future, howe’er pleasant!

   Let the dead Past bury its dead!

Act,— act in the living Present!

   Heart within, and God o’erhead!

Lives of great men all remind us

   We can make our lives sublime,

And, departing, leave behind us

   Footprints on the sands of time;

Footprints, that perhaps another,

   Sailing o’er life’s solemn main,

A forlorn and shipwrecked brother,

   Seeing, shall take heart again.

Let us, then, be up and doing,

   With a heart for any fate;

Still achieving, still pursuing,

   Learn to labor and to wait.

Imagine my surprise as a teenager when I picked up a book of Longfellow's poems and found that poem in it! He became my favorite American poet, and I found many poems in the book I loved. I read a lot of classic poems as a teenager and it continued as an adult.

Mama also knew the following poem. See, in the period she grew up, education meant learning a variety of things and the educated person knew poems and pieces of classic literature, even little country girls. The following poem is one I always loved, and I too memorized it. However, today, when trying to recite it, I found I'd forgotten most of it. Mama never forgot a word of either of them. 

The Arrow and the Song

BY HENRY WADSWORTH LONGFELLOW

I shot an arrow into the air,

It fell to earth, I knew not where;

For, so swiftly it flew, the sight

Could not follow it in its flight.

I breathed a song into the air,

It fell to earth, I knew not where;

For who has sight so keen and strong,

That it can follow the flight of song?

Long, long afterward, in an oak

I found the arrow, still unbroke;

And the song, from beginning to end,

I found again in the heart of a friend.

I don't think poems today have such sentiments. People don't think of life as anything but a party until the music stops. And they don't go looking for songs in the hearts of friends.  

May I Say....

We're now in May. April wasn't much of a month. Gas and other things have skyrocketed and made it impossible to do anything other than survive. And there are those who are worse off than I. 

I went to Ohio and stayed with Sarah for a week. I had a pleasant time visiting with her when she had time for me. The Sarah I knew is gone and I don't know who she is now. I'll leave it at that. 

I've done crafty stuff in the last few months. I made an Easter outfit for Madilyn, Sarah's little sister. The skirt is a circle skirt of an appliqued fabric I had in my stash. I took some appliques off the scrap material and put them on her shirt to match. With her pink boots, she looked adorable. 

I'm really proud of the whole thing. Did it all with no pattern. I like that I still have this talent. Click photos to view larger size. I want to do a couple of more using some of the tons of fabric I have and would love to make one for Sarah but don't know if she'd wear it.

I also made a handbag from fat quarters. I saw this on
YouTube and liked it. So I made one for myself. I learned some things from it. Either the instructions and measurements were off or I did something wrong. You won't see the problem, but there is one. However, I've gone over it several times. I cut out a new pattern, changing the measurements a bit and will make a second bag to see if that fixes the problem. I'll let you know how that goes. 

There are a few more projects I want to do as well, but I'm having so much fatigue and difficulty focusing that I can't finish the most basic tasks some days.

Sarah is supposed to come for 7 weeks mid-June. Becca and I want to do some projects on the house and with Sarah here, it might actually be easier to finish them.

I've been cat sitting Becca's white cat, Gabi. She was here for three days and now she doesn't want to leave. When Becca comes in, she runs and hides. We don't know for sure what to do. She loves to play with my cats and I think she is lonely being an only cat. I have to tell you this is how animals always act around me. They all almost always like me. I remember Daddy telling me to stay away from his brother-in-law's dog because it was bad. Daddy was in the pasture at their house and looked up. He saw me standing with that dog and the dog sitting next to me.I was rubbing his head. Daddy yelled at me to get away from him because he'd eat me up. The dog and I just looked at each other. I think I wandered away, and the dog followed me. He never bothered me. 

I still need a riding mower to cut the yard. The $200 a month to hire someone is killing me. I need the money and would let the mess just grow up if the city wouldn't fine me for it. I'm going to shop around next week to see if some place has financing to buy one. Surely the payment wouldn't be as bad.

So, tomorrow is Mother's day. I'd rather sleep in. Don't think anyone cares if I'm their mother. I have my reason.

It is time for bed; I think. Today I did laundry all day and changed my sheets. I love clean, crispy sheets. If I had enough cotton sheets and didn't mind doing laundry, I'd change them every day. 

Happy Mother's Day to you mothers. I hope your children treasure you. My Mama was wonderful. I wish she were still here. 

The Greatest Invention

We consider the modern printing press the greatest invention of all time. It revolutionized the processing of written material for mass consumption. The printing press ensured all people would have access to the Word of God. This drove people to learn to read and write. With an educated populace, ideas and inventions grew from a thought to blue prints. The Enlightenment happened because someone created a machine to print ideas.

I had a great aunt that lived in the country on a farm in the Florida Panhandle. We used to visit on holidays or other special events. Our family reunion was always at her house around Thanksgiving and included at least100 people throughout the day, some of whom were ex-wives, step-children, neighbors and friends. It was an amazing event, and I loved it as a kid. We all did! When my aunt died, we were all saddened. No one could step into that gap. 

I know. I know. What does that have to do with a printing press? I'll tell you if you give me a second. 

We lived close enough to my aunt to drive over in a couple of hours, and that's usually what we did. I never remember spending a night at her house. Except once. I couldn't have been over 5 or 6. The sensation of being small remains. 

When it came time to prepare for bed, Mama told me it was time for a bath. We went to the bathroom, and she closed the door. When I turned around, I realized there was no bathtub. 

"Mama, how am I going to bathe? There's no bathtub."

She picked up a white porcelain pan trimmed with a red rim and said, "We're going to get a spit bath."

Now, I don't know if I said anything else. I don't know what expression was on my face. I can tell you that my recollection is sketchy but I distinctly recall a feeling of "Oh no we're not."

But we did, and my gaze kept going to where the tub should be. Right then I am pretty sure I was thinking the bathtub was the greatest invention of humanity. 

These days I prefer a shower. Every night when I get a shower I stand under the water and thank Jesus for hot water. Really. My aching bones, muscles, and joints revels at the thought of the streams of steaming water running over them.

Tonight I thought about this. I thought about the printing press and Aunt Minnie's bathtubless bathroom. And I realized they got it wrong.

The greatest invention of all time is the hot water heater. 

April Came Smiling In

April arrived with much nicer weather, although she's a little fickle about it. Still, it is nice to have sunshine and warmer air. Today was almost too warm but I'll take it as it is. 
 

I haven’t got back to the gym. I planned to go back by May 1, but I want to go now. After the pain problems with my legs, I afraid to go too soon. Today, a walk around the yard to clean up trash from aliens, I struggled to do it. I dragged a trash bag around. It wasn’t heavy, but you’d have thought I was trudging uphill with a 50 pound pack. I couldn’t hardly walk the yard. It really is scary for me. I’m unsure what to do, and I don’t know what I’m going to do!

Sarah hasn’t been since her last dental appointment. I miss her so much, but I’m pretty sure she won’t visit unless she is at her Mom’s. It’s about choices. She calls once in a while, when she can be on her phone. And a text here and there. No photos, though. 

It’s been over a year since I saw my family in Georgia. As soon as I can, I’m going down for a visit. If that goes well, I’m going to Florida to see my family there. Don’t know where I’ll stay, but I have a tent and am not above borrowing a yard somewhere. 

Writing hasn’t been happening. I did eek out a bit here and there, but it feels as if my brain has just gone on holiday some place drab and boring. When I searched for some files on my computer a few weeks ago, I found that I have 5 unfinished novels about the same town and a family of sisters! I’ve spent some time since trying to put them in order time wise and writing here and there to finish them. Five! That’s just ridiculous. The trouble with NaNoWriMo is that you don’t finish one before it is time for the next one. I was in charge locally for nearly 10 years. This is the result. 

I can only hope I can finish them, but with my mind and body subject to this blinding fatigue, I have little hope. 

Oh, I went to church for the last two weeks! So exciting! I so missed it, and I can’t tell you how great it was to go back. 

I’m going to close out this post and see about food. I’m not sure what I want, but I need to eat something. I hope you’re all doing well. 

#prowritingaid

#april

#lifeontheledge

Mid-December Update: Life

 I'd like to say life has begun to return to normal. I'd like to but it hasn't. However, at my house, it seems the virus is in retreat. The fatigue is still a problem but since I have fibromyalgia, that isn't going to change except in intensity. I still have some coughing but it is one of those things where you hear the stuff breaking up in your chest. 

Even though I'm feeling better health wise, my mood is rather dark most days. I stopped listening to news over a year ago. I read online articles and I try to limit the agency reporting. The poison seeps in, and I get so angry. So, I'm going to need to cut off the sources of this. It is toxic. I'm a rather non-violent person and if I'm affected this deeply, I shudder to think how some more volatile folks are reacting. If they have mental issues, it will be even worse. 

I've had to shut this blog down to registered readers only because David's ex-wife took exception to my posts about Sarah's treatment in her home. If you have read this blog long, you know I rarely call out people and never by name. I guess if you cared enough, you could go digging and find it. I've deleted all photos of them, so that's not an issue. 

She claims it is all lies and is giving David problems. It is hilarious to me that David's first wife, while they had some issues over Sarah, she never really caused any problems for him and never attempted to, letting him stay in the apartment. He didn't in order for her to have a place to stay with Sarah. They worked it out and things settled down. The second wife got him to help buy her parents' home, and he's on that loan.Then she kicks him and Sarah out. So, he can't buy a house or a car as long as he's on that loan. The court has ordered her to take him off, but she's not done it because she can't afford the loan herself! He could not get a plate for his car in the state he's living in now because of this. He's making his car payment, which is included in the loan. And she's upset because I call a spade a spade. 

I'm sick of ugly people. She's lucky it isn't me. I would stop making that car payment. She could make the whole thing or get the loan squared away. 

Yes. I can be nasty. 

Anyway, it isn't my problem and David is not that kind of person. He'll go a long way to resolve it but I am concerned because he needs a place where he is and cannot do much. 

I'm putting up a Christmas tree this year. I'm spending a few days after Christmas at David & Tasha's house. She asked me to come! Can you believe that? Ex never actually invited me to their house, and she made sure she was home very little so she didn't have to entertain us. She managed the last year to avoid coming here at all. 

So, it is refreshing getting invited to my son's home. I spent hours at his house when he lived here with Becca and enjoyed it. Once Covid is under control, maybe I can spend more time visiting him and his new family. This lady seems nice, and she's got a sense of humor. Sarah really loves her, too. For that, I'm so very thankful. 

I guess I should stop here and actually do some work. I have a couple of chapters in my friend's book to read and edit for him. They were missing from my originals. I have a book I'm trying to read and have been for weeks! I couldn't read at all during my illness. I couldn't concentrate on anything at all, and even watching TV. was hard, too. 

Need to go now. I am really feeling down today. I need to decompress.

End of November!

I guess we all know there are only 31 days left in 2020. November delivered a snow shower at a parting gift. 

I really think there should be a global celebration of good riddance. It has to be the worst year in the world's history, except for the years when the Black Plague was active 1347 & 1750 {est. deaths: 75,000,000 - 200,000,000}. I'm pretty sure things were worse. 

Whatever, I'm glad this year is ending. I don't have hope of a better year. We've seen the levels people will sink to in order to make the world a horrible place, and we've watched elected officials show their true colors. We've seen former humans act worse than the lowest snake, sub-humans. Burning cities, destroying businesses of people who worked hard to build them, willing to kill people for no reason.  We've seen corruption sweep through the electoral process and 50% of the public is just fine with it, as long as they get their pick. If it is someone else, they'll then become concerned citizens. Right now they're sycophants hoping for handouts. 

Thanksgiving didn't start well. It never does. But my son and his family drove in for the weekend, and it was truly wonderful to see them. His last marriage was a joke, and he could never come home for a visit because she was too good to come here. And I wasn't welcome at their house. Looks like he's married a much nicer lady this time. She did all the cooking! It was so nice to feel like I didn't have to impress anyone and that they were glad to be here.

I also got to see Sarah and spend time with her this weekend. That was a wonderful treat. I am so happy when I can spend time with her. She makes me laugh and feel more like myself. She always has done. After Jerry died, she was all that saved me. 

Mike and I are nearly through the COVID-19, I hope. We're still coughing and battling fatigue. That's the worst part to me. Wash dishes, rest. Change sheets rest longer. Sweep a floor, rest. Takes forever to get things finished and before I am, it is time to start over. For a while, I was sleeping 10-20 hrs a day, part of that in 2-4 hr naps. Mike was doing something similar at his house. I'm taking fewer naps. Upward!

I've felt better today. I think having my family visit and the improvement of symptoms are responsible for that. Now if I can just go back to church! I'm staying away as long as this cough persists. I'm not contagious, but I know it is disturbing to some folks. I'll wear a mask to make sure people feel safe. It doesn't work, but if they feel like it does, that saves me the trouble of arguing.

I start December hoping I can accomplish some things here at the house that halted with the Covid invasion back in March. You couldn't get things you needed and then we got sick. So, maybe we can do a few things. The garage is colder than a well, so it won't be fun having to use the saw, but needs must.

 

For now, I'm heading for a hot shower. I hope your November ends happily and December begins with joy and continues.

A Day in Wet Trenches

All's quiet on the front, but we're still hunkered in the trenches for the duration. Rain came in the night and soaked my patch of ground. We're sick of rations, sick of the quiet, sick of looking at one another. The occasional potshot is not enough to keep us interested. We have seen the enemy. He is us. 

Sorry, that's how bad it is around here. I got a bit carried away, I guess, but it was working for me.

I woke at 6:30 this morning, and it was pouring down rain. I could get up with minimal pain in my back but it feels as if the shooting pains in my legs are flaring up, not full force, but it's a kind of "I'm waiting!" sensation. 

Mike came and took me to the lab for blood work. He can drop me at the door and save me a very long and painful walk from the parking lot. It's agony the couple of times I've done it prior to my shots. Even from the lab to the lobby was mildly uncomfortable in my hip region today.

I don't like bloodwork. Really. For me, it is the phlebotomist fishing expedition. They can't find the veins and have to dig around. Then, they start over in the other arm or a new spot. Same progress. In the event they find a vein, keeping it flowing is the next problem. Not fun. It isn't their fault, just my deep slippery veins. 

Today I had a young woman who admitted about halfway through that her training was incomplete. It had already become abundantly clear something wasn't right, so it was no surprise. She did an outstanding job on the stick but had trouble keeping the line open. It took so long some blood clotted, making it unusable. Yes, I have to go back for a repeat of a couple test next week. I even drank a lot of water when I got up to ensure the blood would be fluid enough to make it quick. I didn't count on a slow draw. 

Once back home, I had to go back to sleep. I couldn't stay awake. On days like this, that's not unusual. Fatigue plagues me and gloomy weather seems to make it worse. I woke around noon. 

It's very hard for me to feel unproductive. I stayed busy all my life, even when I stayed home with the kids. Cooking and cleaning for four people, sewing clothes for three of us, refinishing old furniture meant my days were full. Then, college with two school-aged children kept me running. Next, teenagers, a husband, and a job rounded out my career. A busy life filled with excitement. Only after Jerry died and I retired did things slow down, and I've hated it. Unfortunately, I can't go back to work with the physical problems I have now. 

The gym was helping me feel better, and I could do more, but since the back problems began, followed by a pandemic, I can tell I'm declining in strength. I just finished a late lunch and I'm about to wind this up and see if I can get something accomplished. 

I just got the yarn in that I ordered so I can finish my new project. I'm rather excited about that. It is so lovely, and the photo doesn't do it justice. The yarn soft and sparkles in the light. I don't know what I'm doing with it yet but it could be a blanket or a shawl. Think it would make a beautiful Christmas shawl or Valentine's Day shawl. 

Have a lovely day, wherever you are and spend it doing something you love. Thank you for reading. 

Don't Poke the Bear

Good morning, Peeps! I'm feeling better after my lumbar injections. No electric shooting pains down my legs when I walk. Although, I had pain trying to get up this morning; it took about an hour for that pain to subside and minus the shooting leg pains it was bearable after a few moments. 

I must tell this because I believe silly people need to know I have heard their voice. Also, I don't suffer fools gladly. It seems someone reads this blog who felt a driving urge to stir up trouble yesterday. They sent a photo of the blog to the ex-dil, and it pissed her off that I mentioned the problems Sarah had endured while in her home. Believe me when I say I used restraint in my comments and the details. It was far worse than the two sentences I shared. I omitted a certain girl's abuse of her every summer. I haven't mentioned her clothes in Walmart bags, no furniture in her room, drugs she needed and not provided and inappropriate medication, of finding her sick, coughing, and running a 102 degree fever but nothing done to check the fever or stop the cough for two weeks till I arrived and had to go buy thermometer, Tylenol, and cough medicine! Never mind the things said to her. But now I have mentioned them. See how that works? Don't poke the bear.

Let me clarify my position on this blog. This is a public, but it is MY PERSONAL JOURNAL where I share pieces of my life, and sometimes I vent. If you read it, you'll get offended sometimes. You don't have to agree. In fact, you don't have to read it if it bugs you at all. All three of my blogs have the same policy. And if you poke this bear, I will respond.

I don't exclude readers unless they're trolls, scammers, or advertisers. That said, everyone else is welcome, even people like this unknown person, who isn't actually a gracious person at all. They have to know this blog is public. Yet they felt this driving need to deliver it personally to someone they knew would not be happy with it. Why someone's "friend" would deliberately hurt their "friend" by such actions, is beyond me, but do I care? Certainly not. They're not my "friend". Thankfully.

Honestly, I love when my blog is so good that people share it. So, dear friend, please share this one too! Far and wide. That's advertisement. Had you used restraint, fewer people would now know about this because only a handful of people read it. Usually friends and relatives. Your secret actions force me to respond on Facebook and here, thus drawing further attention to it. You could have contacted me directly by email and ask for details, and I'd have been able to clarify it to avoid confusion in private. Alas, this is what people like you want: a response so they can pass that along to hurt someone else. Here you go, sweetie.  

My next point here is if you're not specifically named, and no one knows who you are regarding my posts, why would you risk exposing yourself and the other party involved, especially if you don't want people to know? Only family knew anything and close personal friends about the situation. Until now. 

Be assured, the information is accurate. I don't lie. I have proof. If I did what a responsible grandmother should have done, I'd have reported it to local CPS authorities in NOVEMBER when I was in that house and saw a neglected sick child! I didn't. I went home and prayed for God to step in and stop the problem. I still could report it, but she's safe now, although damaged. She'll be seeing a counselor as soon as insurance is available. But God took care of it. Both my son and my granddaughter are out of it. She's recovering and has said she's learned a lot from a terrible experience.

I would advise you, dear "friend" and all parties concerned, don't push my buttons anymore. Pushing buttons can set in motion events that won't be pleasant for anyone. I have nothing to fear from doing what I should have done when I realized the extent of the problem. I was gracious enough to resort to spiritual means rather than courts. 

Oh, and if I were you, I wouldn't poke anymore bears. 

Echos

This will be my 10th Christmas without Jerry. It is still painful to look at his photo and realize he's not coming home. No, I'm not over it. It is unlikely I'll ever be over it. No, I don't have a boyfriend and I haven't remarried. I can't even imagine that. That man in the photo is what I see if I even consider meeting someone else.

Ten years. So long to be away from someone you shared your whole life with. I met and married him when I was 17 and he died when I was 52. A whole life.

You know, he wasn't perfect, and he made me furious at times. But he was so very good to me. I always felt like I mattered, that someone loved me and cared about me. There would always be someone to catch me if I fell and set me back on my feet. If the car broke down, I knew who to call. There was always someone to help with the heavy lifting.

Oh, but that's not the worst of it. There were things to do and new places to go and he'd be there with me. We shared memories and even fears. At least, I did. He never wanted to worry me. I hate that because that's what makes the marriage. You both have to share the bad along with the good. He wanted nothing to darken my days.

How much he'd suffer if he knew how dark my life became with his leaving. Sarah was the only light I had to light my way.

This year, that light is gone. For the first time in 13 years, my beautiful Sarah will not be with me for Christmas. She has gone to live with her dad and I will probably never have Christmas with her again unless I live to see her grown. She is far away, and they never come here for Christmas and I've never been there for it.

Sarah was the light that kept me focused and the joy that kept me laughing. So this week has been very hard. There will be no lights, no tree, no presents, no decorations, and no excited laughter. No peaking at packages, no Christmas stories, no special meals. It will be just another dark day in an empty house filled with the echos.

The old year is dying and day by day I do too. I haven't been sorry to see a year end in 10 years. I will not care this year either. I do not look forward to a new one. Why should I?

Ten Holidays

So, another Christmas done. I'm not sorry. I was blessed to have Becca, Sarah, and Madilyn with me and my sister came by for Christmas dinner. It was such fun watching Madi get so excited over the tree and presents. Sarah, of course, is an old hand at all that stuff and getting her excited is a lot harder. Of course, she had fewer gifts this year but she did get things she asked for and so I think she was fine with it.

Becca brought Madi over on the 23rd to stay until the 26th and we decided we'd get Madi's presents wrapped and under the tree after she went to bed. Sarah's were already there when they arrived.

Madi kept asking me where her presents were and I told her they'd be here "tomorrow", on Christmas Eve. I felt so sad because it was evident that this 3 yr old could understand that something was off with the presents. But she trusts me so she didn't really make a fuss.

Christmas Eve, when I came down the hall to the living room, Madi met me grinning and grabbed my hand. "Mawmaw, Santa brought me and you presents last night! Come and see!" I thought it was sweet she thought I was included in those presents. I wasn't but it wasn't about me anyway. She was vibrating with excitement and the rest of the day we struggled to keep her from opening them all. We showed her her name on them and spelled it out for her. She knew exactly which ones were hers. We did let her open two hoping to appease her but by sunset, we were done and we opened them.

Both girls seemed to enjoy their gifts. Sarah got her ITunes gift cards and bluetooth headset and books. Madi got the kind of things 3 yr olds get: PlayDoh, colors and coloring books, and baby doll stuff.

The girls went home tonight. Sarah to spend a few days with her mom before going back to school. I am home alone. As I took the photo of the tree, I thought of all the Christmases I've had alone since Jerry died. There have been 10 Thanksgivings, 10 Christmases, 10 New Years, 10 anniversaries, 10 Valentine's Days. Oh, some family have been here for the day here and there but always, at the end of the celebration, I sit in front of the tree and try to find a glimmer of something that feels like a holiday. Eventually, I think of all the Christmases that may lie ahead and well, we'll leave it there.

I'm not wallowing in pity. I had my annual grief cry today and visited Jerry at the cemetery. I stayed a long time and just sat in the car and listened to a podcast as I watched the grave stones in the VA cemetery. Some had wreaths, some had flowers and some had nothing. There were a few new graves. Jerry needs new flowers and I promised to bring them this week.  I don't know if it matters, actually, but it does to me.

It made me sad to see the forgotten ones. Once I wondered who'd put flowers on my grave regularly and realized that I'm the end. There will be no one left here for that. Well, if that ain't the story of my life. Of course, there won't be anyone to put them on his either. That's bothers me.

First Memories

Billy Lavon Patch
Born: Oct. 8, 1959
Died:  July 10, 2018

My brother died this past week. They said it was a pulmonary embolism. That's a blood clot in the lungs. He was only 58 and so full of life. That smile you see? That was always there.  You would rarely see him frowning and if he saw you, he'd throw up his hand and give you a smile and say "Hey, how ya doing!" And now he's gone. The world has lost another bright light.

No, he wasn't famous or wealthy. He was just real.

Let me take a minute and tell you about the little brother I grew up with and what his life was like back then.

Billy was a cute, curly-haired kid and my younger brother. I'm the oldest of 7 and he was #2. We were raised by our grandparents, Mama and Daddy, a long story to be shared another time. As children, we were close but drifted apart as teenagers for a bit. When I married, he felt betrayed because our Mama had died and I left home. We became closer after that but Daddy remarried and the new wife didn't want a teenager in her life and Daddy sent him away to live with our mother. Another betrayal but he coped and grew close to our other siblings who lived with her. Eventually, Daddy was sent away too when the new wife got all she could from him. He brought Billy home and said he'd made a huge mistake and would never do that again. I think they both suffered during that period.

My first clear memory of Billy was not when he was a baby. It was when they sent for Mama to come and get him. You see, he originally lived with our mother and when she remarried a GI, she took him with her. Doctors said I should not be removed from my grandparents. You see, I became sick because of the pending separation. So, I stayed and he left.

He was 2 when they told Mama he needed to come home. He was having bowel issues. He's stopped pottying because he was whipped every time he didn't use the potty. I can tell this now because everyone is dead. Even Billy. He knew the truth anyway. We were told my stepfather whipped him but after I grew up, I believe it was our mother that caused the problem. But I digress.

I remember Mama and I boarded a train in Mobile, Alabama headed to Columbus, Georgia to pick Billy up. It was my first train trip and it was exciting. I remember sitting in seats that faced one another and I liked sitting across from an adult in my own seat. Mama faced front and I sat opposite, facing her. I was only 5. I remember the train stopping on a trestle and I looked out the window. Far below was a rocky creek flowing under us. It was so exciting and as clear in my memory as a snapshot.

When we arrived in Columbus, I still remember the apartment house. It was a two-story shaped like an L and inside, we climbed these huge dark wood stairs. On the second floor was my mother's apartment. The next few moments are like a movie in my mind. The door opened and I went in first. Billy was lying on a bed in the room, bedclothes all mussed and piled up. I can't remember that room. All I see is this tiny curly-haired boy pushing up on the bed and sitting, and a beautiful smile stretching across his face when he saw us. Today, that memory is bittersweet. He was such a lovely little boy. The redish brown curls made him look like a cherub. I remember his arms going around my neck. And the memory ends.

We brought him home.

A Short Tale about a Long Trip

Yes! Yes! It is I. I decided instead of dropping the news on Facebook I'd just post here and share it around. Saves time. Life on the Ledge has been precarious at times but it hasn't been fatal. I've been away from here since May, but I've got a few things I want to talk about so here I go.

I just got back from a much-needed vacation. I left on the 12 and stayed with my aunt and uncle in Atlanta two days before we all traveled on the 14th to Myrtle Beach. While I was at their home, I worked on their computers and got them back online. They'd been offline for ... well, a while, maybe a year. They had a new router and never got them set up because they used their IPads. Once I got all the tech sorted it was time to go. I still had updates to do but I could do them when we returned.

We stayed at Marina Dunes Inn on the Intercoastal Waterway. The photo above is the view from our room. It was lovely and a really beautiful condo. We did the usual shopping, eating, and they went to the beach twice. I preferred the indoor pool. No one used it and there was a nice shady patio just outside the doors that I had all to myself. I managed to read 5 books while we were there!

We returned to their home on the 19th and I spent the 18th finishing the computer project and packing up my things. I drove home on Friday. Let me tell you, it was eventful.

I started out at 8:30 and when I reached Chattanooga I hit a traffic jam. I got rerouted by Maps thru town, on Old 41. Beautiful drive over the mountain but 30 miles later, upon my reentry to the interstate, I was back in the traffic jam. Yeah, 30 miles at least. It lasted for another half hour before I got out. It began to rain a little and I decided where I'd make my next stop.

I got off at a place that I regularly stop when I take this trip, exit 114, at Manchester, TN. I figured I'd get gas and maybe grab a sandwich and get back on the road quickly. As I stood under the Raceway shelter and put the hose in my gas tank, it began to rain harder. Just as the pump started, the wind picked up and the guy at the pump ahead of me said the clerk told him there was a tornado warning. I turned around and the rain began to really lash at us. The wind picked up the garbage can and threw it at me. I turned to take turn the pump off and the power went out and suddenly it was as if everything went crazy. Someone threw a truckload of water at me and the world went white. I was blown back toward the car door. I was thankful I'd left it open because I scramble to get inside while my neighbor raced for the building, without a backward look, I might add. Everything seemed to be shaking and I just sat soaking in my clothes and watching trash cans fly by.

Whatever it was passed pretty fast because the sideways rain slacked off. I kept wondering why my wipers weren't clearing my windshield but then I realized that the water was on the inside. I pulled my attention from the storm outside and looked around. My dash, the windscreen, side windows, car doors, and my seat were wet where the rain had sprayed into the open door at the same time that load of water hit me. I thanked the God who gave me the good sense to put a roll of paper towels on the seat next to me. Really, there were right there. I remember putting them in the car and thinking I probably wouldn't need them but you never know. Not only was I soaked, my shoes were soaked, and the inside front of the car was soaked.

Eventually, my neighbor returned. He said they'd restart the pumps but soon found that impossible. My neighbor got a refund. I had used a credit card so I hoped that we were square. I managed to get a small amount of gas either way.

All power on that exit was out so I started toward Nashville and hoped for a place to stop so I could change clothes. I couldn't imagine riding the next 4 hrs wet. A Macdonald's presented itself at the next populated stop and I unpacked an outfit and shoes. After a change of clothes, I felt better and ordered a late lunch. Once that was completed, I set out, again toward Nashville. I needn't have hurried.

By the time I reached the Country Music Capital of the World, traffic was backed up and it took me another hour to get across town. I stopped at the state rest stop and walked around, pottied, and hit the road again. I didn't stop until I got to Evansville at 6:30 pm. I was tired.

The rest of the weekend I was wiped out. The vacation was wonderful and I always enjoy my family but that return trip was exhausting and it took three days to fully recover. This past week I've just spent lazing around. The house was clean because my friend Sue came in and cleaned from top to bottom.  I arranged it before I left and was glad I did because it turned into the best money I ever spent. I didn't unpack clothes for a week. God is so good to me. I've had a lot of pain in my joints the last couple of days, today is pretty severe but I have just been able to relax and take it easy.

This week, I've been busier trying to do the normal things, laundry, dishes, and taking care of bills. Thankfully, everything got paid and I can move onto other things. I had planned to finish up some construction projects and painting but the heat is so bad. I did manage to cut the grass and Mike and I both tackled the weed trimming but we had to do it in fits and starts. It is dangerously hot. I had to wash my hair 4 days in a row after doing outside work. It isn't much better inside either. The air conditioner has been almost unable to keep up with the heat. I could raise it to ease the burden on the system but once a house gets hot, it is really hard to cool it down again.

So, I've caught you up now and I'll try and stay on track. I've had so many physical issues lately that I really didn't want to bore folks with it. I've not been writing either because of it. If you follow this blog and want to keep up you can find me at all the places below.

End of the Line

It has been a long and strange journey on this blog. I seem to have lost the impetus to keep it going and I'm a bit sorry about it. I used to enjoy posting about the people and events in my life. I do post on my writing blog and sometimes on Rendered Praise but even that one has languished a bit and both are different. I'm not sure anymore what I want to do... or say.

My world has never recovered since Jerry died, not really. I mean, I've gone on with my life, such as it is. I'm still here. No, I haven't met someone. You actually have to see people for that to happen. I've stayed here in my home, raising my granddaughter. I retired, as you'll remember if you've read along. I thought I'd be able to write more. I got sick, and sicker, and sicker until I despaired of even living at times. How do you function when you're in so much pain all the time and you feel like you're on the wrong train?

You just keep going.

The truth is, I've never been able to right the upside-down world I was thrown into. There was just nothing normal about my life anymore. Nothing made any sense at all. More and more I found myself not wanting to write. Not wanting to do the things I used to do. I don't want to cook but I have an 11 yr old who has to eat. You'd think I'd lose weight but no, I gain it! I'm too tired or too sick to go out and exercise. Or it is so freaking cold or wet that it is impossible. Even the back surgery I had to repair the ruptured disk, although it made some things tremendously better, has not really made much difference in what I do.

I feel like a door is closing and maybe it is. This is probably the last post here I'll do. Maybe it is because I've just been sick for months with colds and I'm still sick with one, milder though it is. I really don't know. My immune system is very low now.

I just know that I don't have anything left to say. The interesting things, at least to me, have declined to the point that there is nothing I really enjoy doing. There are no family stories to relate because there is no family left. There are no work tales to tell because I can't work anymore. There are no exciting people or places or things to tell you about. There are plenty of annoyances, frustrations, and sadnesses but who wants to share that? And who wants to read it.

You'll say this is depression. Maybe it is a mild one. I don't even want to try and figure it out.  What I do want to say is thank you. If you've been with me on this convoluted journey, lived thru the nightmare of death, and laughed at my kids, thank you. I don't know why you did it. But I'm glad you did. You remained silent but if you stuck with me, thanks.

As of now, the blog will remain open. I get comments in my email, not that anyone ever does other than one or two here and there. But if you stop by, shoot me a comment to let me know. Will I come back? I don't know. I'm giving myself permission to give up several things this year. I have too many chains weighing me down and the need to shake them off won't leave me alone. I may if there is something good to say. Today, I can't think of one thing.

So I pray you are blessed and I hope I've given you enjoyment with my crazy Life on the Ledge.

Be happy. Be kind. In the end, that's what will count.

Whirlwind

Out here on the ledge, life does strange things, not always good but not always bad. What's happened since August? Things have been busy and I have had no time to post to this journal. What writing I've done has been in other areas.

I started going to church closer to home. It has been a good decision. I've been able to go more often, almost every service. The later service times gives my body time to adjust and the joints time to warm up. And although the service is longer, there is only the one and the evening isn't exhausting.

The doctor put me on Cymbalta for pain. It was immediate relief. For the last month, I've had very little pain. I am not as fatigued as I was and don't have the associated brain fog.

I've been very busy the last two weeks since my granddaughter's mother moved back to town. We're still friends, even though my son is no longer married to her and having company is actually nice. She's waiting for housing to come through and until then, I actually have someone to visit with.

Mike got second job and seems to be doing well. I'm really proud of him.

I've been reading more since I'm not a zombie. But I am off track with the writing. I'm hoping this week things will settle down and I'll be able to get back to it.

Now that I've updated, I'm going to bed.

Treasures

I found this in the papers I cleaned out a couple of months ago. There is no date but I suspect he was about Sarah's age (10).

Things like this were always important to me and so I hung on to them. No one else cares now but I'll put them all in a file with dozens of letters from family members, some who are already gone. Jerry kept some cards the boys gave him and I still have them. They were important to him, too. Whoever is left at the end of the day can put them all in the garbage.

I'm on the downhill side of my life and I've lost so many of the people who gave my life meaning. Going through the debris left in the wake of living often brings surprises. Running across such things brightens a moment of time.  A bright face seems to just appear, in a twinkling, blinking out before you can grab hold and pull it close.

 Life changes so quickly. You don't see it coming. You anticipate the joys but you can't anticipate the pain.

Just so you know, you won't always get love letters or phone calls. You won't always have someone to tell you they love you. In fact, some of the people who used to tell you will stop long before either of you leave the world. I love you very much.... How long? Only children can make that promise because for them life is long. For those of us who live long, we know nothing is forever. People change, love ends, life ends, and you can't change it or stop it.

So, finding treasures such as this will warm your heart or it may cut it out of you. They're still treasures. Keep them. And if you had one person loved you for even a short span of your life, you're a rich person.

Crackers & Mayo

I have this memory from my childhood of standing on the sidewalk near home and thinking I wanted a snack. I went home and pulled out the Premium Saltine Crackers. That is the only kind Mama bought unless money was tight.  I also took out a jar of mayo and made "cracker sandwiches". Oh yes, I did.

This was a true southern snack that I suspect a lot of other southern children in those days enjoyed. I know my brother and I did and several of our friends.

Fifty years later, that memory is as clear as a digital photo. I can still see the sun shining and feel the sidewalk on my bare feet. The crackle of the cracker packet is loud as I open it. The mayo spreads smoothly over each cracker and I resist eating a single one until all my cracker sandwiches are made. Then, I scoop them up and head back outside where I sit on the steps and enjoy crackers with mayo. Yummm.

My sister recently found mini-Premium Saltine Crackers and Sarah just loves them. I was amused by them and the fact that my favorite snack was the normal sized ones. She was eating some one afternoon and I asked her had she ever eaten them with mayo on them. She responded with her typical "yuk". I got the jar of mayo from the cabinet and took one of her mini crackers. Using a spoon, I took a small amount of mayo (they are very mini) and covered the cracker. I was slammed 50 years back in time. It was wonderful.

Sarah watched with interest as I ate. After a moment, she said, "May I try a little of that?"

I made her one and she took a bite. When a person really falls in love it is instant and you can see it on their faces. Those tiny crackers and mayo were a hit. Since then, she's asked for this cracker snack a few times and we usually share the treat.

For her, it is different. She gets a handful of these tiny crackers on a plate, a spoon of mayo, and dips the cracker in the mayo like a chip.

For me, it is something very special to watch her enjoy it. I can't explain it well, but it is as if we've both stepped into the past in some way. I'm eight years old, sitting on the front steps, eating my cracker sandwiches and Sarah is sitting there with me dipping her crackers into the mayo. It is a sunny day and I can feel the wood steps beneath my bare feet. We both take a bite and close our eyes. Yummm.

What's Happening In My World

You know I am always looking at the flow of my life and how it is working. If life were a clock, I'd have assembled and disassembled it many times over. Sometimes it works better. Other times, not so much.

The current week has been hectic. Sarah started 3rd grade on Monday. She came running into the house after school yelling she loved it. I hope the romance last but we all know how relationships can turn on you. Her most exciting thing was "no homework". She thinks this will be a permanent thing. I haven't had the heart to tell her that the paperwork I read wants her working on things at home. We're going to have to create a "chore" schedule just to keep her encouraged.

I've done more crochet this week than I have at any one time in years. I've made several items and started on a new one last night.I really enjoy making these coaster cozies. I have six of my own and they work better than anything I've ever used.

They're designed to fit over the round stone coaster you buy at Walmart on aisle end caps. They come with a wooden holder but once the cozy is on it, they won't fit in the holder. I don't care. They're pretty and you can stack them. They look really nice on the table and are functional. Pretty furniture you worked hard to create or buy should be protected. I think I'm going to make a doily to match them.

 When dirty, you pull them off, wash and put them back on. If you have extras, you don't have to wait for the laundry to get done. The ones at right are a gift for someone. The yarn is Hobby Lobby's I Love This Yarn. It is a new cotton they've created to replace the Sugar n' Cream brand. I actually like it much better. It is a bit softer and easier to work with on small items. They have a ton of colors, too.

The other items I finished last night is the "rug" I was working on from yarn in my stash.Photos do not do this yarn justice. It is so beautiful. I do wish it was softer but it just looks gorgeous. As you can see, the item is not really big enough for much but a throw rug. I just used all the yarn I had left from a previous project. It is really warm and I almost considered it as a lap throw but it barely covers my lap and falls just below my knees. Not really enough to bother with when I have larger throws to hand.

This is a Red Heart Yarn, as I've mentioned before. I loved making this but by the last round, I was getting bored. I used no pattern, just started crocheting in the round and when I finished a row, I figured out what I wanted to do on the next one.I tried to vary the rows. I have some that are single crochet, some double crochet, and some treble crochet. There are a couple of chain rows, and V stitches as well as a couple of mixed rows: double crochet and chains.

It wasn't hard but I made mistakes here and there. Once it gets this big, counting stitches is so tedious but for fans and shells, you have to have the right number of stitches to make it work. A couple of times I had to pull out several inches and work two stitches together to correct for miscounting. For the most part, only an expert might find my errors but this isn't to sell or give away. I'll use it. I am considering buying a  backing to put on it and make it slip resistant. Originally, I was going to put it in Sarah's room because these are the colors we have in there. However, if you saw her floor on an average day, you'd know it would be wasted on her.

I started on another coaster cozy using a small ball of yarn, left over from a sweater I made for Sarah. I think it will be really pretty. It is an extra so I can wash some one of my others. I am also making it in a brighter color.

I've written a little. I have to get the short story done now. So, I'm going to try and spend the rest of the week doing that. I'm behind in reading but I've been also been busy straightening out the chaos resulting from getting rid of the large computer desk and clearing out Sarah's room to repair the ceiling. Her room is more or less in order. There are a couple of items still to move but nothing major.

It is the stuff I took out of the desk that presents problems. I had no idea that desk held so much! And so much that I hadn't even looked at in ages. I found Jerry's driver's license, our military IDs from years ago, his USI student ID, and his VA ID. All had his photos on them. I found old letters he'd written to me when he went to Germany. They'd been stored in a scrap book I had in the book case that was in Sarah's room but is not in the den. They were very personal and I had to smile at how foolishly romantic we were. They were just sappy and drama ridden. Very "soap opera" to me. Did other young couples write such letters? I don't know.

For a brief moment, I remembered that girl and I longed to be her again. She was filled with so much life and she knew how to have fun. Jerry and I had so much fun. We had a lot of the same problems most couples have but more than anything, we had an amazingly good time. And I think it is that which makes life so very hard now. I'm not having fun. Sarah brings me so much joy and the days with her are almost as much fun as what Jerry and I had but it isn't the same. There is this huge void that I no longer believe can ever be filled or bridged or repaired. I want it to be, more than anything. But the reality is it is impossible to ever be in that place and time and to be that person again. Two people died on January 29, 2009. They just didn't bury me.

I won't burden you with more sadness. I'll leave you with a Sarah story.

Sarah is growing up. Recently, she found she had hair under her arms. Obviously, all girls go through this phase but she is a bit young. She'll be 9 in a few weeks. However, we had to deal with the issue. Although the problem wasn't great, it was noticeable, particularly to her. So, I informed her I'd shave the hair off for her and show her how to do it so when she was capable of managing she wouldn't be nervous. We discussed how this would mean it would have to be done all regularly after this. Anyone knows the sooner you start shaving legs and armpits the worse it gets. But you can't just leave it.

Anyway, we took care of it. In seconds it was done and Sarah said, "That fast?"

I just grinned and said, "That fast."

I left her and went to the kitchen. She must have gone to the mirror because the next thing I heard was Sarah shouting, "I'M YOUNG AGAIN!"

I laughed and asked her what she meant.

"I'm young again. Only old people have hair under their arms."

Y'all have a great day.