Rundown of the Weekend

 The leg is better. Have I told you about the leg? 

My lower back (SI joint) has flared up. I overdid it at the gym one week and walked the next week. Felt good at the time, but I did too much. Results were an inflamed SI joint and bursitis in my left leg, flaring all the way to my knee.

They started PT last Friday. It helped a great deal. For a couple of days, the pain was so much better. It came back, but not as bad. Today I'm wearing my diclofenac patch. That actually seems to help the most, but I have trouble keeping it on my back. It isn't glue but a kind of foamy, sticky substance that thins over 12 hours. Hits the pain hard, and I feel good if it stays where I put it. But it slides around. 

I will have PT twice a week for about six weeks. They used a TENS unit, and that was amazing. 

Writing has kind of stopped with this latest pain but I think tonight I'll start back up. Or tomorrow if I am too tired. 

I'm not sleeping well most nights. Either too worried, too upset, or too excited. My brain just doesn't shut off. One night I spent all night writing in my sleep! It wasn't a deep sleep, and I kept waking up. I considered getting up and writing. But I was so tired. 

I think I am going to plan a trip home. I need to go. And it would get me out of my head for a bit. Mike goes to Indy for an appointment with the neurosurgeon to get his brain disease checked for treatment. We know there's only one treatment at this point. But we need to know his status. Maybe when I get back, I can head home. 

Planning on getting rid of at least one cat. I simply can't cope with three anymore. Also, I may get rid of the second one. I love her, but again, I'm at my limit. And I want to get away more. Of course, Jet is not going anywhere. I think he's too attached and wouldn't do well if he were re-homed. Besides, I talk to him a lot. I actually talk to them all. And they try to answer back. 

Reading four books at the moment. I haven't done that in a while. Mostly because I had been reading a book a day since November. Once I began writing, I couldn't read a book a day. It took three days. So, I finished one yesterday and began two today. There are two others I was already reading. And yes, I can keep up with them. 

For now, I'm headed to the shower. 

Let Me Tell You About 2025 ONE LAST TIME!

 There's a lot of blogging going on around here. I think I was frozen for a long time. Well, that's the thing. I wasn't thinking at all. My mind seemed to have locked up. I spent a long stretch of the last year crawling out of bills. Usually, I pay everything with little problem. Minor things like an oil change or a leaky sink. Life. 

Not 2024-2025. That was the year of blown tires and later replacing them all. Then there were electrical problems in the garage. Two mechanical breakdowns on the car. At the same time as the electrical. And last but certainly not least was sewer line repair. Yeah, that was fun but I saved $900 by digging the hole myself. Hey, don't knock it. I may be kind of old, but I'm not decrepit.

So, it was not the best years. 

There was my son's brain disease diagnosis that will require brain surgery and my sister's near foot amputation, and the fibro explosion that resulted from the stress of caring for two sick people consecutively. For now, that should finish out my 2025 year . The flare is now under control, and I'm so much better.

I went to the gym two days last week. Did eight miles on the bike each day. The next day, my leg assaulted me, and my lower back agreed. Well, it has been a bit since I went to the gym, but it's kind of hard to be in two places at once. And I've had the problem before, but it is annoying. Still, it will clear up... eventually. The back is being medicated today and feels better. 

My desk is covered with paperwork from the novel I'm working on. Various chapter outlines, character records I've compiled. There is more saved, but I only pull those when I'm working on it. I've gone over 66K since the 12th of November. It's a bit insane, but I'll take it. 

There are fifteen days left this year. I may just lock the door, turn off the lights, and keep my head down for the duration. 

I won't miss much about this year. I'll let you know about next year.

So What List

 Finally, the spare room is cleaned up. The bed is set up with a coverlet on it. No sheets because why should I? No one is sleeping in there now, but I have it if I need it. I put everything away, but not everything I put away will stay. I have to sort the drawers and bins. The 20 inch high frame gives me enough area to store four fairly large bins. I plan on getting those soon and sorting the mess of crochet thread and projects I need to finish. 

I also have the sewing machine cleared so I can get to work on stuff that needs doing. I have several items I had to stop midway when people started dropping in like flies to a farm. It's OK, but I hate leaving things like that. 

I've been working on getting my computer area sorted as well. The heater in the den is not working properly, so I must buy a new one or get this repaired. However, I've had to get it repaired twice now, and either they're not doing a good job, or it's just time to chuck it. I hate throwing away items that can be repaired, but those stove guys are ridiculously expensive. 

Since the end of July, I've gained better energy from running so much, but I still need to do more. It's ridiculous that I get worn down so fast. Phyllis went back to work yesterday, but when she got off, her feet were so swollen that it looked painful. This morning she told me they hurt all night. When I took her to work this morning, I noticed her feet were not swollen. 

Mike is doing OK, I think. Since we have no doctors here that know anything about Moya Moya, I don't know. He seems to be tired all the time, but he doesn't live with me so he may sit up all night. We have to get his blood pressure stable. He has found out he is likely allergic to gluten. Not sure why it is affecting him now, but he's eliminated several items to try to get the cramping in his stomach under control. 

Does anyone else find themselves just not caring if things get done?  I mean, like things that must be done and you kind of look at it and think, "What's the use?"

I have. A lot. Perhaps many tasks overwhelm me, and I cannot complete them. I can't hire them done. I can't do them, but I can't nor do them! I just don't care. 

That's where we end this. I'm surprised I've been able to write a lot these days. Things have just been very weird, and even writing is on the "so what" list. 

Wash Day

I'm doing laundry today. The last load is in the dryer. I did two loads last night before I got in bed, but I've put nothing away yet. This morning I can see piles of cat hair along the baseboards. That has never happened before! I keep everything vacuumed weekly until now. And I'm just so tired I don't want to bother.

But I will. Later this evening. I am going to my sister's and get her to the infusion appointment. It goes rather fast. Yesterday, it took only 15 minutes. We're working on getting her insurance business taken care of as well. She's got to get the FMLA paperwork in today to the doctor. 

If you rent from Grand Oak here in Evansville, just know they provide little help to people who are crippled. She asked about a handrail, and they said they'd have to get back to her. I'm about to send a letter to them letting them know if they refuse, we will assume they accept full responsibility for any injuries she sustains because of that refusal. I am not feeling nice today, and that foolishness is just not gonna fly. They're terrible at repairs anyway, but this is just foolishness.

I had a rough weekend. It probably showed in my writing. I'm having to pray a lot more because of it. And I lie in bed and worry about my family and everything else. 

We're tired. Mike is only a month out from a stroke, and I get concerned he'll overdo it. I don't know how, but the fear is there. He's doing well, but I'm pretty sure his hearing is worse and his memory is worse. He's helped a lot with my sister's problem, but she has no patience with him. Today I'm going to be late getting over there. I have to do things in this house.

Right now there are so many things that have gone wrong, I can't pinpoint anything that is right. My only consolation is that when this many disasters hit one family, the devil is not happy with them. So, we must be doing something right. It will all come out in the wash. 

Adventures on the Ledge

My life on this ledge is crazy right now. Dark and stormy is an apt description. 

Mike had a kidney stone and then a stroke at the end of July. He was in hospital for a week, and I took care of him for two weeks at my house. While he was there, I hired a cleaner and helped her clean out his apartment. It took two days, and I could hardly walk after it was done. I had the carpet cleaned and got him back home in the third week. I spent the first night at the hospital and every day there. 

Then, my sister called and said they wanted to amputate her foot and she had to go to the hospital immediately. They did surgery the next day to clean out the foot and remove a bone that was coming out. Then, a week later, she had a second surgery to clean out the foot again, and try to save it. They sent her home the next day. I was there every day. She can't get around unassisted and has to go daily to the infusion center at Gateway for an infusion of antibiotics. Since she can't drive, Mike and I take her. 

So, I'm about as exhausted as it gets. At the moment, I can't get more than about six hours of sleep. I don't know when or what I'm eating. The RA is beginning not to like the way I'm treating my body. I have pain in my hips and legs and have trouble getting up and down and walking. I haven't done the laundry at my house for over a week. Also, I haven't vacuumed, swept, or mopped the floors in oh, maybe a month. I have kept the dishes washed, the cat box cleaned out (they're not happy with me), and the cats fed.  

For a couple of days, I had trouble driving because I was short on sleep. Never drive with only three hrs sleep. Not good. I've had a couple of close calls. And I couldn't remember where I was going for a moment.

And David is now ill with something. Stomach problems for the last two days, and he may have a fever. 

Life is an adventure! I love it! There's always something exciting to see, something new to learn. I don't always like either; but there's nothing like it anywhere else.

If you have a group of folks you can rely on, count your blessings. Give them all a hug. Tell them how much you appreciate them. I'm sitting here alone on the ledge. There are no neighbors here. But you know what? God knows where I am, so I'm good. I prayed for him to be my strength this morning on my way over to my sister's house. I was so tired, and my hands hurt. When I got there, my phone gave me today's scripture: Isaiah 40:31. I reckon that'll do. 

Lost in the Dark

 I never thought I'd have to live through another week, like the last week of May 2025. I thought the horrors of death were far behind me and that life, though painful, would not throw that pain into my path. 

My aunt Phillis died May 22nd, 2024. I started life in her mother's home and she was my big sister. She took me places when I was old enough and she permed my hair, many times, to no avail. I knew her friends. Liz made great chocolate shakes, Patsy was funny. There were many others because she had a large circle of friends. 

I was nearly 9 when she married and from then on, it was visits to her house to stay for a night, and then for summers. As a teen, she dressed me. We were the same size until I was in my 20s so she gave me her clothes. They were beautiful clothes and hand me downs were not an insult in my family. I loved it.

I loved her and she became my second mother when her mother died. Our Mama. For 68 years she was always available to me. Always ready to help with whatever I needed a prayer, a new fridge, a trip to recover from the death of my husband. She allowed me to complain to about my sons, to share my worry about Sarah. And I shared her worries and fears. I consoled her when she needed someone to share her grief. 

Now, she's gone, and I do not know what I will do. I came home on the 28th of May. For days I've sat in my house and tried to think. I do not know what I'm supposed to do. Every day I expect her call or to call her and tell her about what's going on with the boys, with Sarah, with me. I desperately need her to pray for me. To help me through this horrible nightmare. To wake me up. There is no one now look out for me. No one I can call to tell how I feel about this. I more alone that I've ever been in my life. And I'm hollowed out inside like a dead tree. 

I said before that death is not a friend but he is a dark and beastly entity who comes into our home and rips every beautiful thing out by the roots and drags it away. He doesn't knock or politely ask to come in. He kicks in the door and puts out the lights. When he leaves, all we have is a howling wind roaring through our life. 

 Possessions are not the most important thing you will have in your life. They matter very little when you're stumbling around in the dark and can't find the path. When the people in your life begin to disappear you lose direction because the compass points are gone and the light has gone out. 

Treasure the lights you have while they burn brightly. When they go out, you'll be lost. 

Snow Days, Slow Days

Another snowy weekend began sometime before dawn this morning. The city was already blanketed from last week's snow and ice. Trees and power lines were down all over the county and surrounding counties. Sources reported 60,000 Center Point customers were without power. The city population is just over 100,000 people.

Yesterday, the power company notified us they had finally restored power to everyone. It's taken the whole week and assistance from a number of outside sources to get it all back on. I am so thankful that I didn't lose power and neither did my sons. God is so good to me. 

 I've been extremely lazy for weeks now. I've been running around taking people to appointments, going to my own appointments, and trying to stay on top of the housework. Although, I use the one at a time method for cleaning. I clean one room and if I can, I move to the next. If not, it has to wait on my back pain to decline. I've been taking care of the cats. Lately, that's been difficult. With Sarah moved out, things are more difficult. She did help with several difficult chores, mopping, cleaning the bathrooms, and vacuuming. Those are then things that really hit me hard. 

 David got his apartment and moved out last weekend also. So the house is very quite. Not since Jerry died has the house felt so void. I'm ok but there seem to be moments when it is overwhelming. I have no outside contact other than my family and I've not been doing Facebook much, so things have been ... difficult. 

I've given up on people for the most part. My experiences have given me some interesting insights on Biblical teachings. We Christians are in for some rude shocks, I think. Mama liked the scripture that says, "The little foxes spoil the vine." I believe it is in Judges because it was said in the story of Sampson. The little foxes will be our downfall. 

Depressing when you think about it. You live this "Godly, Holy, dedicated life" and a little fox devours your efforts. Neglect of the small things is a serious thing. I pray that I don't neglect the small things, that I trap the little foxes and be more attuned to the needs of other people. 

 I'm so disorganized that I begin to think I need some ADHD medication. I am all over the place and have been for a long time. It is the time of year again when Jerry's death is nearly a daily memory. The weather doesn't help that. One cold, snowy day the world turned over and everything fell out of place. I've never been able to restore order to my life or mind. Frustration doesn't begin to describe it. I'm about to pull the vacuum out and try to get the den cleaned. I need to dust so bad. 

I needed to sleep longer today but for some reason the universe demands I be out of bed by 8 a.m. and it has contracted with my cat to ensure that I comply. Also, I believe Mike is also on the payroll. If Jet doesn't succeed, Mike will. I'm very tired and need to go back to sleep for about 4 hours. Please have a safe and warm weekend.

Lost in the Chaos

Mid-December and I still have no idea where I am! 

What a year! I've been unwell about 1/3 of the year, maybe a bit more. My RA has rampantly misbehaved and forced me onto steroids for a month. I had a horrible stomach virus that sent me to the ER. When have they not? 

I wrote a lot but finished nothing. I crocheted a lot and finished most of my projects, but I still have a major project to complete this week. 

David moved back home, got a job, and will move into his own apartment in January. He's doing well. Mike started working with a roadside service and is doing well, despite having some severe stomach problems that we can't identify yet. He's due for tests in January. Sarah came home in January 2024, but left in December. Her mom moved back after having a stroke that left her in a wheelchair and is paralysed on her right side. She's in therapy and I've helped by giving her rides to the doctor's office. Sarah will live with her, I think. 

I know other things happened, but those are the high points. Other chaos was probably minor.

I've been reading my Bible more. Studying it a bit more in depth. I began writing a Christian based project. We'll see. The RA flared, and I stalled out on it. I got past that, had a short section that just lit me up, wrote it down and a week later realized it stunk. Par for the course. I'll be working on that. 

I've moved things around a bit because David needed a closet, storage of his personal items, and items he bought for his apartment. This cramped us quite a bit. Once he moves out, I'll be painting the spare room and making it a sewing room - again. I plan to buy a simple roll-away bed for any company I may have and eliminate the twin I have in there. 

That will open up the den/dining room again. I feel I'm running a hostel, but you know, God answers in strange ways. I had financial problems at the end of last year, and two people moved in. It has helped immensely. I'm never going to be back on a sound footing. I can't work and retirement doesn't pay well. 

This could be the last post for 2024. The next couple of weeks will be hectic. So, I'm going to close this post with many thanks for anyone who has followed along, stopped by because you wanted to or by accident. I love writing the blogs. They are an outlet and blogs found me several friends in the early days. These days, few people comment, and the Google platform doesn't tell me who most visitors are. But thank you whoever you are and wherever you are. I'm in several places, so check the icons at the top and visit me. Let me know you came from here. 

Merry Christmas everyone. Christmas Day is one that Christians reclaimed to symbolically celebrate the day of our Savior's birth. He wasn't born on December 25th, and frankly, we have no definitive date. But we chose to celebrate Jesus coming to earth on the 25th. As for me, I celebrate Jesus every day of the year because every single day belongs to God.

The 2024 Roller Coaster Ride Now Open

Pixabay

Here we are, four days into the new year. I had a lovely Christmas holiday with my sons, Mike and David, my granddaughter Sarah, Mike's girlfriend, Amanda. And I even got some lovely gifts from everyone. We had a delicious dinner, cooked mostly by Amanda, with a bit of help from me. 

New Year's Day we watch the Alabama playoff game. They lost, but they played a good game, except for the guy snapping the ball. McLaughlin was definitely not on his game. All season, he snapped the ball just fine. Suddenly he's all thumbs.

The past four days have just been hectic with trying to get things organized for more people in the house. On the 15th Amanda is moving in for a while. She's wanting to buy, so to avoid getting into a new lease, she'll stay here until she finds what she wants. David is here for a bit, not sure how long, but it is really pleasant to spend some time with him. He's working on his last five college classes. I'm very proud of the way he's pushed to do this. He really messed up highschool but went back in his 30s and now he's nearly finished with his college bachelor's degree. 

Sarah and I are just enjoying being silly with each other. She's still the funniest kid I know. Of course, she's having a bit of a struggle to get back into my routines and rules, but she's coping rather well. We're going to get her state ID this week and then get started on her GED. She didn't want to go back to public school and as a graduate of a correspondent school; I agree it is a good idea. So we'll be tutoring and getting to GED classes.

I'm trying to get my routine back on track. When disruptions happen, it just throws me off for a while. Beginning in early to mid October, I was sick for a couple of months, had my car break down twice, had electrical repairs, an empty freezer, and other unforeseen expenses from October to December. Life keeps kicking me. 

BUT ---

I am blessed. I said, I AM BLESSED! I don't care what my brain says. I don't care what the devil says. I am blessed beyond measure. I'm broke, seriously broke, but I'm blessed. 

May you all have a wonderful New Year. I know the 1st is passed, but may the rest of 2024 be filled with gladness, joy, and spiritual blessing beyond your wildest imaginings. God is good. God reigns supreme. And he is faithful.

 

Sniffling, Snuffling, and Snorting

 After three weeks of illness, I'm beginning to feel human again. For three days now, I've sweated like a miner. No idea why, except it may be my body cleaning itself of whatever made me sick. I suspect, but have no verification, that it may have been covid again. That would be my third bout, if so. Since I don't have fevers and the onset was very slow, I just don't know. I had similar symptoms: headaches, fatigue, and some foods tasted off. Last time I couldn't smell for a year but that doesn't seem to be a factor when cleaning the cat boxes.

I actually thought the B1 had stopped working and my fibro symptoms had started again. Turns out I might have been wrong. I'm thankful the worst seems to have abated and I'm feeling better, still somewhat tired but much better. I have a loose cough and am constantly blowing my nose to clear it out. Things are draining. 

I have plans to travel down to Georgia sometime in the coming week, and from there, I'm going to go to Alabama to visit the graves of my great-grandparents and put grave stones on their graves. They've never had stones, although my grandparents do. When the grands were buried, it was a big expense and the family was rather poor. Their vault covers are above ground and one has a crack in it. I wish I could get that fixed but can't afford it. The other is older, rounded top with metal loops that were used to lower the stone in place. It is sad when the graves get in such contition and there is very little family left to care for them even if they were interested. My siblings and I have tried to keep thing clean and in good shape on my grandparents and mother's grave. My brother is buried there now too. He doesn't have a stone either. Maybe later I can do something about that. 

While in Florida, I'm hoping I can visit other family but I'm on a time crunch and not sure how long I can stay. Mike and my sister, Phyllis are taking care of the cats while I'm away. I don't like leaving them so I guess I'm officially a cat lady. 

I've got the laundry done, the floors vacuumed, and the den curtains washed this week. Phyllis won't have to clean house and I have a long list that I need to take care of when I get home. 

I hope everyone else is well. I just read that October will end in a widespread cold snap, so be ready to bundle up.

48 Birthdays

 

I have a birthday this month, # 67. Recently, I thought about my Mama. She was only 64 when she went home to be with Jesus. I miss her more than just about anything. 

It occured to me that Mama has missed 48 of my birthdays. She never saw me finish high school. She never saw me marry. When I went to Europe, she was not there to see me off, not once but twice. Nor was she there to greet me when I came home.

When my children were born, Mama was not there, nor was she when my granddaughter was born. Mama never rocked my sons or granddaughter. Mama never told them stories about my childhood nor read them stories from books. She never sang Hobo Bill, The Railroad Bum to them, nor Rock-a-Bye-Baby. 

When I needed advice or was in pain, she wasn't there. When I needed prayer, she wasn't there. When my husband died, I wanted my Mama but she wasn't there. My aunt and uncle stepped into as surrogate parents when Mama died but there has always been a hole where she stood. 

Mama never saw me go to college. She never read my articles in the college paper, never read the writing I did in other areas. She never witnessed my graduating from college. The first of her descendants with a degree and she missed it. Magna Cum Laudy, Mama! Can you believe it? I have as brief image formed in my mind of her standing in the audience smiling broadly. It isn't real. She wasn't there. And there is an echo of her voice from a long time ago where she said, "My girl can do anything." 

48 birthdays, Mama. So long, so very long, Mama. 

Songs in My Heart

 I'm not feeling well today. I hurt all over, that wonderful steamroller sensation one gets when you lie down in the road in front of one. I lay down earlier before getting a showerand examined all my pains. They are as follows:

The bottom of my feet, ankles, knees, hips, the palms of my hands, elbows, my left upper arm and shoulder (PT yesterday was extremely rough). The swollen lymph node beneath my left arm hurts and my neck skin hurts. I also have a mild headache.

My sister, Roselynn, asked if I had a fever because my face is very red. I don't run fevers but I am hot after my shower. 

While we sat and chatted, I had a memory. I do not know why, but I remembered a song my Mama used to sing. I can still hear the tune but could find no trace of it online. There are other versions, but they're not at all the same.

A Psalm of Life

BY HENRY WADSWORTH LONGFELLOW

What The Heart Of The Young Man Said To The Psalmist.

Tell me not, in mournful numbers,

   Life is but an empty dream!

For the soul is dead that slumbers,

   And things are not what they seem.

Life is real! Life is earnest!

   And the grave is not its goal;

Dust thou art, to dust returnest,

   Was not spoken of the soul.

Not enjoyment, and not sorrow,

   Is our destined end or way;

But to act, that each to-morrow

   Find us farther than to-day.

Art is long, and Time is fleeting,

   And our hearts, though stout and brave,

Still, like muffled drums, are beating

   Funeral marches to the grave.

In the world’s broad field of battle,

   In the bivouac of Life,

Be not like dumb, driven cattle!

   Be a hero in the strife!

Trust no Future, howe’er pleasant!

   Let the dead Past bury its dead!

Act,— act in the living Present!

   Heart within, and God o’erhead!

Lives of great men all remind us

   We can make our lives sublime,

And, departing, leave behind us

   Footprints on the sands of time;

Footprints, that perhaps another,

   Sailing o’er life’s solemn main,

A forlorn and shipwrecked brother,

   Seeing, shall take heart again.

Let us, then, be up and doing,

   With a heart for any fate;

Still achieving, still pursuing,

   Learn to labor and to wait.

Imagine my surprise as a teenager when I picked up a book of Longfellow's poems and found that poem in it! He became my favorite American poet, and I found many poems in the book I loved. I read a lot of classic poems as a teenager and it continued as an adult.

Mama also knew the following poem. See, in the period she grew up, education meant learning a variety of things and the educated person knew poems and pieces of classic literature, even little country girls. The following poem is one I always loved, and I too memorized it. However, today, when trying to recite it, I found I'd forgotten most of it. Mama never forgot a word of either of them. 

The Arrow and the Song

BY HENRY WADSWORTH LONGFELLOW

I shot an arrow into the air,

It fell to earth, I knew not where;

For, so swiftly it flew, the sight

Could not follow it in its flight.

I breathed a song into the air,

It fell to earth, I knew not where;

For who has sight so keen and strong,

That it can follow the flight of song?

Long, long afterward, in an oak

I found the arrow, still unbroke;

And the song, from beginning to end,

I found again in the heart of a friend.

I don't think poems today have such sentiments. People don't think of life as anything but a party until the music stops. And they don't go looking for songs in the hearts of friends.  

May I Say....

We're now in May. April wasn't much of a month. Gas and other things have skyrocketed and made it impossible to do anything other than survive. And there are those who are worse off than I. 

I went to Ohio and stayed with Sarah for a week. I had a pleasant time visiting with her when she had time for me. The Sarah I knew is gone and I don't know who she is now. I'll leave it at that. 

I've done crafty stuff in the last few months. I made an Easter outfit for Madilyn, Sarah's little sister. The skirt is a circle skirt of an appliqued fabric I had in my stash. I took some appliques off the scrap material and put them on her shirt to match. With her pink boots, she looked adorable. 

I'm really proud of the whole thing. Did it all with no pattern. I like that I still have this talent. Click photos to view larger size. I want to do a couple of more using some of the tons of fabric I have and would love to make one for Sarah but don't know if she'd wear it.

I also made a handbag from fat quarters. I saw this on
YouTube and liked it. So I made one for myself. I learned some things from it. Either the instructions and measurements were off or I did something wrong. You won't see the problem, but there is one. However, I've gone over it several times. I cut out a new pattern, changing the measurements a bit and will make a second bag to see if that fixes the problem. I'll let you know how that goes. 

There are a few more projects I want to do as well, but I'm having so much fatigue and difficulty focusing that I can't finish the most basic tasks some days.

Sarah is supposed to come for 7 weeks mid-June. Becca and I want to do some projects on the house and with Sarah here, it might actually be easier to finish them.

I've been cat sitting Becca's white cat, Gabi. She was here for three days and now she doesn't want to leave. When Becca comes in, she runs and hides. We don't know for sure what to do. She loves to play with my cats and I think she is lonely being an only cat. I have to tell you this is how animals always act around me. They all almost always like me. I remember Daddy telling me to stay away from his brother-in-law's dog because it was bad. Daddy was in the pasture at their house and looked up. He saw me standing with that dog and the dog sitting next to me.I was rubbing his head. Daddy yelled at me to get away from him because he'd eat me up. The dog and I just looked at each other. I think I wandered away, and the dog followed me. He never bothered me. 

I still need a riding mower to cut the yard. The $200 a month to hire someone is killing me. I need the money and would let the mess just grow up if the city wouldn't fine me for it. I'm going to shop around next week to see if some place has financing to buy one. Surely the payment wouldn't be as bad.

So, tomorrow is Mother's day. I'd rather sleep in. Don't think anyone cares if I'm their mother. I have my reason.

It is time for bed; I think. Today I did laundry all day and changed my sheets. I love clean, crispy sheets. If I had enough cotton sheets and didn't mind doing laundry, I'd change them every day. 

Happy Mother's Day to you mothers. I hope your children treasure you. My Mama was wonderful. I wish she were still here. 

The Greatest Invention

We consider the modern printing press the greatest invention of all time. It revolutionized the processing of written material for mass consumption. The printing press ensured all people would have access to the Word of God. This drove people to learn to read and write. With an educated populace, ideas and inventions grew from a thought to blue prints. The Enlightenment happened because someone created a machine to print ideas.

I had a great aunt that lived in the country on a farm in the Florida Panhandle. We used to visit on holidays or other special events. Our family reunion was always at her house around Thanksgiving and included at least100 people throughout the day, some of whom were ex-wives, step-children, neighbors and friends. It was an amazing event, and I loved it as a kid. We all did! When my aunt died, we were all saddened. No one could step into that gap. 

I know. I know. What does that have to do with a printing press? I'll tell you if you give me a second. 

We lived close enough to my aunt to drive over in a couple of hours, and that's usually what we did. I never remember spending a night at her house. Except once. I couldn't have been over 5 or 6. The sensation of being small remains. 

When it came time to prepare for bed, Mama told me it was time for a bath. We went to the bathroom, and she closed the door. When I turned around, I realized there was no bathtub. 

"Mama, how am I going to bathe? There's no bathtub."

She picked up a white porcelain pan trimmed with a red rim and said, "We're going to get a spit bath."

Now, I don't know if I said anything else. I don't know what expression was on my face. I can tell you that my recollection is sketchy but I distinctly recall a feeling of "Oh no we're not."

But we did, and my gaze kept going to where the tub should be. Right then I am pretty sure I was thinking the bathtub was the greatest invention of humanity. 

These days I prefer a shower. Every night when I get a shower I stand under the water and thank Jesus for hot water. Really. My aching bones, muscles, and joints revels at the thought of the streams of steaming water running over them.

Tonight I thought about this. I thought about the printing press and Aunt Minnie's bathtubless bathroom. And I realized they got it wrong.

The greatest invention of all time is the hot water heater. 

April Came Smiling In

April arrived with much nicer weather, although she's a little fickle about it. Still, it is nice to have sunshine and warmer air. Today was almost too warm but I'll take it as it is. 
 

I haven’t got back to the gym. I planned to go back by May 1, but I want to go now. After the pain problems with my legs, I afraid to go too soon. Today, a walk around the yard to clean up trash from aliens, I struggled to do it. I dragged a trash bag around. It wasn’t heavy, but you’d have thought I was trudging uphill with a 50 pound pack. I couldn’t hardly walk the yard. It really is scary for me. I’m unsure what to do, and I don’t know what I’m going to do!

Sarah hasn’t been since her last dental appointment. I miss her so much, but I’m pretty sure she won’t visit unless she is at her Mom’s. It’s about choices. She calls once in a while, when she can be on her phone. And a text here and there. No photos, though. 

It’s been over a year since I saw my family in Georgia. As soon as I can, I’m going down for a visit. If that goes well, I’m going to Florida to see my family there. Don’t know where I’ll stay, but I have a tent and am not above borrowing a yard somewhere. 

Writing hasn’t been happening. I did eek out a bit here and there, but it feels as if my brain has just gone on holiday some place drab and boring. When I searched for some files on my computer a few weeks ago, I found that I have 5 unfinished novels about the same town and a family of sisters! I’ve spent some time since trying to put them in order time wise and writing here and there to finish them. Five! That’s just ridiculous. The trouble with NaNoWriMo is that you don’t finish one before it is time for the next one. I was in charge locally for nearly 10 years. This is the result. 

I can only hope I can finish them, but with my mind and body subject to this blinding fatigue, I have little hope. 

Oh, I went to church for the last two weeks! So exciting! I so missed it, and I can’t tell you how great it was to go back. 

I’m going to close out this post and see about food. I’m not sure what I want, but I need to eat something. I hope you’re all doing well. 

#prowritingaid

#april

#lifeontheledge

Mid-December Update: Life

 I'd like to say life has begun to return to normal. I'd like to but it hasn't. However, at my house, it seems the virus is in retreat. The fatigue is still a problem but since I have fibromyalgia, that isn't going to change except in intensity. I still have some coughing but it is one of those things where you hear the stuff breaking up in your chest. 

Even though I'm feeling better health wise, my mood is rather dark most days. I stopped listening to news over a year ago. I read online articles and I try to limit the agency reporting. The poison seeps in, and I get so angry. So, I'm going to need to cut off the sources of this. It is toxic. I'm a rather non-violent person and if I'm affected this deeply, I shudder to think how some more volatile folks are reacting. If they have mental issues, it will be even worse. 

I've had to shut this blog down to registered readers only because David's ex-wife took exception to my posts about Sarah's treatment in her home. If you have read this blog long, you know I rarely call out people and never by name. I guess if you cared enough, you could go digging and find it. I've deleted all photos of them, so that's not an issue. 

She claims it is all lies and is giving David problems. It is hilarious to me that David's first wife, while they had some issues over Sarah, she never really caused any problems for him and never attempted to, letting him stay in the apartment. He didn't in order for her to have a place to stay with Sarah. They worked it out and things settled down. The second wife got him to help buy her parents' home, and he's on that loan.Then she kicks him and Sarah out. So, he can't buy a house or a car as long as he's on that loan. The court has ordered her to take him off, but she's not done it because she can't afford the loan herself! He could not get a plate for his car in the state he's living in now because of this. He's making his car payment, which is included in the loan. And she's upset because I call a spade a spade. 

I'm sick of ugly people. She's lucky it isn't me. I would stop making that car payment. She could make the whole thing or get the loan squared away. 

Yes. I can be nasty. 

Anyway, it isn't my problem and David is not that kind of person. He'll go a long way to resolve it but I am concerned because he needs a place where he is and cannot do much. 

I'm putting up a Christmas tree this year. I'm spending a few days after Christmas at David & Tasha's house. She asked me to come! Can you believe that? Ex never actually invited me to their house, and she made sure she was home very little so she didn't have to entertain us. She managed the last year to avoid coming here at all. 

So, it is refreshing getting invited to my son's home. I spent hours at his house when he lived here with Becca and enjoyed it. Once Covid is under control, maybe I can spend more time visiting him and his new family. This lady seems nice, and she's got a sense of humor. Sarah really loves her, too. For that, I'm so very thankful. 

I guess I should stop here and actually do some work. I have a couple of chapters in my friend's book to read and edit for him. They were missing from my originals. I have a book I'm trying to read and have been for weeks! I couldn't read at all during my illness. I couldn't concentrate on anything at all, and even watching TV. was hard, too. 

Need to go now. I am really feeling down today. I need to decompress.

End of November!

I guess we all know there are only 31 days left in 2020. November delivered a snow shower at a parting gift. 

I really think there should be a global celebration of good riddance. It has to be the worst year in the world's history, except for the years when the Black Plague was active 1347 & 1750 {est. deaths: 75,000,000 - 200,000,000}. I'm pretty sure things were worse. 

Whatever, I'm glad this year is ending. I don't have hope of a better year. We've seen the levels people will sink to in order to make the world a horrible place, and we've watched elected officials show their true colors. We've seen former humans act worse than the lowest snake, sub-humans. Burning cities, destroying businesses of people who worked hard to build them, willing to kill people for no reason.  We've seen corruption sweep through the electoral process and 50% of the public is just fine with it, as long as they get their pick. If it is someone else, they'll then become concerned citizens. Right now they're sycophants hoping for handouts. 

Thanksgiving didn't start well. It never does. But my son and his family drove in for the weekend, and it was truly wonderful to see them. His last marriage was a joke, and he could never come home for a visit because she was too good to come here. And I wasn't welcome at their house. Looks like he's married a much nicer lady this time. She did all the cooking! It was so nice to feel like I didn't have to impress anyone and that they were glad to be here.

I also got to see Sarah and spend time with her this weekend. That was a wonderful treat. I am so happy when I can spend time with her. She makes me laugh and feel more like myself. She always has done. After Jerry died, she was all that saved me. 

Mike and I are nearly through the COVID-19, I hope. We're still coughing and battling fatigue. That's the worst part to me. Wash dishes, rest. Change sheets rest longer. Sweep a floor, rest. Takes forever to get things finished and before I am, it is time to start over. For a while, I was sleeping 10-20 hrs a day, part of that in 2-4 hr naps. Mike was doing something similar at his house. I'm taking fewer naps. Upward!

I've felt better today. I think having my family visit and the improvement of symptoms are responsible for that. Now if I can just go back to church! I'm staying away as long as this cough persists. I'm not contagious, but I know it is disturbing to some folks. I'll wear a mask to make sure people feel safe. It doesn't work, but if they feel like it does, that saves me the trouble of arguing.

I start December hoping I can accomplish some things here at the house that halted with the Covid invasion back in March. You couldn't get things you needed and then we got sick. So, maybe we can do a few things. The garage is colder than a well, so it won't be fun having to use the saw, but needs must.

 

For now, I'm heading for a hot shower. I hope your November ends happily and December begins with joy and continues.

A Day in Wet Trenches

All's quiet on the front, but we're still hunkered in the trenches for the duration. Rain came in the night and soaked my patch of ground. We're sick of rations, sick of the quiet, sick of looking at one another. The occasional potshot is not enough to keep us interested. We have seen the enemy. He is us. 

Sorry, that's how bad it is around here. I got a bit carried away, I guess, but it was working for me.

I woke at 6:30 this morning, and it was pouring down rain. I could get up with minimal pain in my back but it feels as if the shooting pains in my legs are flaring up, not full force, but it's a kind of "I'm waiting!" sensation. 

Mike came and took me to the lab for blood work. He can drop me at the door and save me a very long and painful walk from the parking lot. It's agony the couple of times I've done it prior to my shots. Even from the lab to the lobby was mildly uncomfortable in my hip region today.

I don't like bloodwork. Really. For me, it is the phlebotomist fishing expedition. They can't find the veins and have to dig around. Then, they start over in the other arm or a new spot. Same progress. In the event they find a vein, keeping it flowing is the next problem. Not fun. It isn't their fault, just my deep slippery veins. 

Today I had a young woman who admitted about halfway through that her training was incomplete. It had already become abundantly clear something wasn't right, so it was no surprise. She did an outstanding job on the stick but had trouble keeping the line open. It took so long some blood clotted, making it unusable. Yes, I have to go back for a repeat of a couple test next week. I even drank a lot of water when I got up to ensure the blood would be fluid enough to make it quick. I didn't count on a slow draw. 

Once back home, I had to go back to sleep. I couldn't stay awake. On days like this, that's not unusual. Fatigue plagues me and gloomy weather seems to make it worse. I woke around noon. 

It's very hard for me to feel unproductive. I stayed busy all my life, even when I stayed home with the kids. Cooking and cleaning for four people, sewing clothes for three of us, refinishing old furniture meant my days were full. Then, college with two school-aged children kept me running. Next, teenagers, a husband, and a job rounded out my career. A busy life filled with excitement. Only after Jerry died and I retired did things slow down, and I've hated it. Unfortunately, I can't go back to work with the physical problems I have now. 

The gym was helping me feel better, and I could do more, but since the back problems began, followed by a pandemic, I can tell I'm declining in strength. I just finished a late lunch and I'm about to wind this up and see if I can get something accomplished. 

I just got the yarn in that I ordered so I can finish my new project. I'm rather excited about that. It is so lovely, and the photo doesn't do it justice. The yarn soft and sparkles in the light. I don't know what I'm doing with it yet but it could be a blanket or a shawl. Think it would make a beautiful Christmas shawl or Valentine's Day shawl. 

Have a lovely day, wherever you are and spend it doing something you love. Thank you for reading. 

Don't Poke the Bear

Good morning, Peeps! I'm feeling better after my lumbar injections. No electric shooting pains down my legs when I walk. Although, I had pain trying to get up this morning; it took about an hour for that pain to subside and minus the shooting leg pains it was bearable after a few moments. 

I must tell this because I believe silly people need to know I have heard their voice. Also, I don't suffer fools gladly. It seems someone reads this blog who felt a driving urge to stir up trouble yesterday. They sent a photo of the blog to the ex-dil, and it pissed her off that I mentioned the problems Sarah had endured while in her home. Believe me when I say I used restraint in my comments and the details. It was far worse than the two sentences I shared. I omitted a certain girl's abuse of her every summer. I haven't mentioned her clothes in Walmart bags, no furniture in her room, drugs she needed and not provided and inappropriate medication, of finding her sick, coughing, and running a 102 degree fever but nothing done to check the fever or stop the cough for two weeks till I arrived and had to go buy thermometer, Tylenol, and cough medicine! Never mind the things said to her. But now I have mentioned them. See how that works? Don't poke the bear.

Let me clarify my position on this blog. This is a public, but it is MY PERSONAL JOURNAL where I share pieces of my life, and sometimes I vent. If you read it, you'll get offended sometimes. You don't have to agree. In fact, you don't have to read it if it bugs you at all. All three of my blogs have the same policy. And if you poke this bear, I will respond.

I don't exclude readers unless they're trolls, scammers, or advertisers. That said, everyone else is welcome, even people like this unknown person, who isn't actually a gracious person at all. They have to know this blog is public. Yet they felt this driving need to deliver it personally to someone they knew would not be happy with it. Why someone's "friend" would deliberately hurt their "friend" by such actions, is beyond me, but do I care? Certainly not. They're not my "friend". Thankfully.

Honestly, I love when my blog is so good that people share it. So, dear friend, please share this one too! Far and wide. That's advertisement. Had you used restraint, fewer people would now know about this because only a handful of people read it. Usually friends and relatives. Your secret actions force me to respond on Facebook and here, thus drawing further attention to it. You could have contacted me directly by email and ask for details, and I'd have been able to clarify it to avoid confusion in private. Alas, this is what people like you want: a response so they can pass that along to hurt someone else. Here you go, sweetie.  

My next point here is if you're not specifically named, and no one knows who you are regarding my posts, why would you risk exposing yourself and the other party involved, especially if you don't want people to know? Only family knew anything and close personal friends about the situation. Until now. 

Be assured, the information is accurate. I don't lie. I have proof. If I did what a responsible grandmother should have done, I'd have reported it to local CPS authorities in NOVEMBER when I was in that house and saw a neglected sick child! I didn't. I went home and prayed for God to step in and stop the problem. I still could report it, but she's safe now, although damaged. She'll be seeing a counselor as soon as insurance is available. But God took care of it. Both my son and my granddaughter are out of it. She's recovering and has said she's learned a lot from a terrible experience.

I would advise you, dear "friend" and all parties concerned, don't push my buttons anymore. Pushing buttons can set in motion events that won't be pleasant for anyone. I have nothing to fear from doing what I should have done when I realized the extent of the problem. I was gracious enough to resort to spiritual means rather than courts. 

Oh, and if I were you, I wouldn't poke anymore bears. 

Echos

This will be my 10th Christmas without Jerry. It is still painful to look at his photo and realize he's not coming home. No, I'm not over it. It is unlikely I'll ever be over it. No, I don't have a boyfriend and I haven't remarried. I can't even imagine that. That man in the photo is what I see if I even consider meeting someone else.

Ten years. So long to be away from someone you shared your whole life with. I met and married him when I was 17 and he died when I was 52. A whole life.

You know, he wasn't perfect, and he made me furious at times. But he was so very good to me. I always felt like I mattered, that someone loved me and cared about me. There would always be someone to catch me if I fell and set me back on my feet. If the car broke down, I knew who to call. There was always someone to help with the heavy lifting.

Oh, but that's not the worst of it. There were things to do and new places to go and he'd be there with me. We shared memories and even fears. At least, I did. He never wanted to worry me. I hate that because that's what makes the marriage. You both have to share the bad along with the good. He wanted nothing to darken my days.

How much he'd suffer if he knew how dark my life became with his leaving. Sarah was the only light I had to light my way.

This year, that light is gone. For the first time in 13 years, my beautiful Sarah will not be with me for Christmas. She has gone to live with her dad and I will probably never have Christmas with her again unless I live to see her grown. She is far away, and they never come here for Christmas and I've never been there for it.

Sarah was the light that kept me focused and the joy that kept me laughing. So this week has been very hard. There will be no lights, no tree, no presents, no decorations, and no excited laughter. No peaking at packages, no Christmas stories, no special meals. It will be just another dark day in an empty house filled with the echos.

The old year is dying and day by day I do too. I haven't been sorry to see a year end in 10 years. I will not care this year either. I do not look forward to a new one. Why should I?