Let Me Tell You About 2025 ONE LAST TIME!

 There's a lot of blogging going on around here. I think I was frozen for a long time. Well, that's the thing. I wasn't thinking at all. My mind seemed to have locked up. I spent a long stretch of the last year crawling out of bills. Usually, I pay everything with little problem. Minor things like an oil change or a leaky sink. Life. 

Not 2024-2025. That was the year of blown tires and later replacing them all. Then there were electrical problems in the garage. Two mechanical breakdowns on the car. At the same time as the electrical. And last but certainly not least was sewer line repair. Yeah, that was fun but I saved $900 by digging the hole myself. Hey, don't knock it. I may be kind of old, but I'm not decrepit.

So, it was not the best years. 

There was my son's brain disease diagnosis that will require brain surgery and my sister's near foot amputation, and the fibro explosion that resulted from the stress of caring for two sick people consecutively. For now, that should finish out my 2025 year . The flare is now under control, and I'm so much better.

I went to the gym two days last week. Did eight miles on the bike each day. The next day, my leg assaulted me, and my lower back agreed. Well, it has been a bit since I went to the gym, but it's kind of hard to be in two places at once. And I've had the problem before, but it is annoying. Still, it will clear up... eventually. The back is being medicated today and feels better. 

My desk is covered with paperwork from the novel I'm working on. Various chapter outlines, character records I've compiled. There is more saved, but I only pull those when I'm working on it. I've gone over 66K since the 12th of November. It's a bit insane, but I'll take it. 

There are fifteen days left this year. I may just lock the door, turn off the lights, and keep my head down for the duration. 

I won't miss much about this year. I'll let you know about next year.

Fighting Dragons

It would be so nice if you could reach out and capture a day and hold it in place for a little longer, if you could take a net and gather up moments to store them for darker days. You can't but how nice if you could. 

Sarah has been home since the first of June. She leaves Saturday going back to Ohio where she lives with her dad. I know grandmothers are supposed to be used to the grandchildren living elsewhere, but Sarah spent her first 9 years in my home, sometimes with her parents, but much of it without them. So, to say there is an immense hole in my home and heart when she isn't here is an understatement. This month has given me back laughter and joy. 

I loved being a mom. I had so much fun with my boys and I missed it when they left. It has been the same with Sarah when she came into our lives. 

I'm always fascinated by kids. They're amazing creatures and watching their development, their mental growth is just awesome. Who and what they'll be is a mystery that is solved over time. If we're blessed, we'll see the solution. 

I am always stunned when I see myself in Sarah. We share a love of deep conversation. She's a skilled listener in those moments. I can't tell you when I've discussed issues of faith and prayer and the Bible so much with one person. She is open to discussion, and she asks questions. That's half the battle with teens. But she has far more understanding than I expect. Several years ago, I commented on this to her and she said; I listen when I am in church. It showed. Her attentiveness hasn't waned as I expected and this time with her has refreshed my spirit. It has reminded me of the late-night conversations with Mama and how we would sometimes talk for hours when everyone in the house was sound asleep. It is what I miss most about Mama. But Sarah has the gift.

We also share a similar sense of humor. She's always joking or saying things that have a humorous twist. I'm reminded of a text I read once that said humor is a sigh of intelligence. I'm not talking about playing pranks or making fun of people, that's shifts into psychopathy. Genuine humor isn't about that. She's mastered the art of understatement and I've often been nearly hysterical at things she says.

The month has done more than give me some happiness. I've regained a fragile hope. You worry, you know. When they go through dark times, you worry they won't come out of it. Many children don't. She's lived through a lot of dark times in 16 years. She's done some really stupid things. Children do that. It is how they grow. Life is a series of tests. But what I've seen in the last month, tells me the Sarah I know is still in there. The humor, kindness, compassion, and love I've always seen in her is intact. But she's fighting dragons. And fighting dragons is exhausting. However, seeing the craving for understanding the Bible, her  desire to grow her faith, and her desire to learn more are positive signs that she will not let the dragons eat her. Not without a fight.

Dragons are real. They come in all shapes, sizes, and guises. Facing them takes tremendous determination, strength, and courage. I know this from experience. Thank goodness I had a Sword and Shield and Mama. 

As our time ends, I see a strength in Sarah that I feared she did not have. She's fighting dragons between moments of despair. But she's fighting.

Jerry and I tried to provide our sons with the same weapons. I may have failed them, but I hope not. Still, I made a greater effort to arm Sarah with weapons that could slay dragons. I've spent more time sharing my battles with dragons. We're so afraid of letting our children know about the dragons we face and the battles we lost. That's a mistake. If you want to encourage your children to fail, don't let them see your dragons. And hide your scars. Pretend there are no dragons. Tell them they're the problem, not dragons. Send them out with no warning, no defense, and no faith in them. 

Dragons will eat them.

How Far?

Sometimes Life on the Ledge is quiet and uneventful. Other times, the ledge crumbles and you have to move back in order to keep from falling. This month, the ledge has been moving and shaking a fair bit and I'm exhausted trying to stay on my feet and far enough back to avoid a fall. 

I won't go into too much detail lest you think I need mental health care. Maybe I do. Sometimes I wonder if that would help, but I don't believe so. I remember seeing a grief counselor after Jerry died. I saw him for over a year. He was kind and talking to him helped me get rid of the toxic things; I think. When we knew our time was up, I remember one of my last visits. I told him I knew he couldn't help me, that this was something I had to do on my own. No amount of talking was going to fix it. I could have talked until I too died, but it wouldn't bring Jerry back or heal my heart. 

There's always another heartbreak, another tragedy, another grief. There is no end to them. By the time you recover, another comes round the bend. 

I often wonder how much the human psyche can endure before it cracks. Sometimes I think I'm the guinea pig for that experiment. The trek from one disaster to the next is arduous. I might get to rest between them, but not really. 

Today, I'm so tired. I don't want to go another step. I can't go back and going forward is just too much.