Showing posts with label pain. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pain. Show all posts

Friday, September 29, 2023

A Little Light On the Subject

 


Today, I finally got the new solar light put on. It is on the post of my front porch facing south, which is along the front of the house. I also removed one of the older lights that doesn't work anymore and "fixed" one of the newer ones. 

I have two of these particular lights and they've been a problem staying functional. I usually turn them off and then back on and it works for a while. The nuisance is that I have to use a ladder. That requires a spotter to keep it steady.

At this point, my house has lighting on the east, south, and west. I can walk from the north east corner, along the west facing front, turn left at the south west corner and go toward the east, along the track side, then at the south east corner, turn left again and walk the entire length of the back of the house and lights will come on all the way. It's kind of nice. I'm never scared to go out by myself at night but I'm not stupid. It could be dangerous. Now, I feel better about it. And the lights cost nothing to run. I try and check them regularly by walking around the house after dark. 

 I have no light on the north end, the garage end, and it is difficult to get sun to charge a light there so solar doesn't work well. I may have to get a light that plugs in inside the garage. Not sure. I don't want to pay a bill but the garage side is a dark area at night. The south side of the house now how two solar lights that are very bright and motion detect. This was probably the darkest spot on the property because the railroad is there and a lot of trees and bushes on the siding. So, it could be a bit scary if I had to go out at night. My air condition is there and so is the breaker for it. I don't know why they put it there but they did. 

Tomorrow I'd like to get the other bird house up. I have one on the front and was going to put the other on the back but now I think I'll put them both on the front and get two more for the back. I'm trying to make my feathered friends welcome because the more birds you have around, the fewer mosquitos you have on your property. I want to put up my bat house too but haven't found a way to put it up. It needs to be high and obviously not attached to the house. And it needs to be not facing the north. I need a really tall pole. 

I've been feeling much better since I began taking the B1 supplement. If you don't know, B1 has been shown in at least 2 studies to help fibromyalgia. I decided to test it. I read the reports, bought the pills, and took the theraputic dose for two months. Virtually all my fibro symptoms stopped. Muscle pain dropped, my brain fog disappeared, and I'm not nearly as fatigued. In fact, some days I have a tremendous amount of energy. A very weird but positive side effect was all cravings for sweets disappeared. I've had that for most of my life but now, I have no trouble passing it up. There is also data for that. It actually helps your body process sugar. My doctor was so shocked she looked it up while I was sitting in her office. 

I haven't written much but I've started back at it. I've been making list. I think I mentioned this in a privious post. I have to jot down what needs doing because there is so much, I forget it before I can get to the next thing. I've become a lot more ADD than I used to be. I never thought I had ADD but now, I'm not so sure. 

So, that's Friday done. I hope that those who read my blog, enjoy it. I know it is pretty boring most of the time and others full of drama. But that's Life on the Ledge where I live. 

I hope you all have a great weekend. Be blessed and be kind. 


Wednesday, May 3, 2023

Songs in My Heart

 I'm not feeling well today. I hurt all over, that wonderful steamroller sensation one gets when you lie down in the road in front of one. I lay down earlier before getting a showerand examined all my pains. They are as follows:

The bottom of my feet, ankles, knees, hips, the palms of my hands, elbows, my left upper arm and shoulder (PT yesterday was extremely rough). The swollen lymph node beneath my left arm hurts and my neck skin hurts. I also have a mild headache.

My sister, Roselynn, asked if I had a fever because my face is very red. I don't run fevers but I am hot after my shower. 

While we sat and chatted, I had a memory. I do not know why, but I remembered a song my Mama used to sing. I can still hear the tune but could find no trace of it online. There are other versions, but they're not at all the same.

A Psalm of Life

BY HENRY WADSWORTH LONGFELLOW

What The Heart Of The Young Man Said To The Psalmist.

Tell me not, in mournful numbers,

   Life is but an empty dream!

For the soul is dead that slumbers,

   And things are not what they seem.


Life is real! Life is earnest!

   And the grave is not its goal;

Dust thou art, to dust returnest,

   Was not spoken of the soul.


Not enjoyment, and not sorrow,

   Is our destined end or way;

But to act, that each to-morrow

   Find us farther than to-day.


Art is long, and Time is fleeting,

   And our hearts, though stout and brave,

Still, like muffled drums, are beating

   Funeral marches to the grave.


In the world’s broad field of battle,

   In the bivouac of Life,

Be not like dumb, driven cattle!

   Be a hero in the strife!


Trust no Future, howe’er pleasant!

   Let the dead Past bury its dead!

Act,— act in the living Present!

   Heart within, and God o’erhead!


Lives of great men all remind us

   We can make our lives sublime,

And, departing, leave behind us

   Footprints on the sands of time;


Footprints, that perhaps another,

   Sailing o’er life’s solemn main,

A forlorn and shipwrecked brother,

   Seeing, shall take heart again.


Let us, then, be up and doing,

   With a heart for any fate;

Still achieving, still pursuing,

   Learn to labor and to wait.

Imagine my surprise as a teenager when I picked up a book of Longfellow's poems and found that poem in it! He became my favorite American poet, and I found many poems in the book I loved. I read a lot of classic poems as a teenager and it continued as an adult.

Mama also knew the following poem. See, in the period she grew up, education meant learning a variety of things and the educated person knew poems and pieces of classic literature, even little country girls. The following poem is one I always loved, and I too memorized it. However, today, when trying to recite it, I found I'd forgotten most of it. Mama never forgot a word of either of them. 

The Arrow and the Song

BY HENRY WADSWORTH LONGFELLOW

I shot an arrow into the air,

It fell to earth, I knew not where;

For, so swiftly it flew, the sight

Could not follow it in its flight.


I breathed a song into the air,

It fell to earth, I knew not where;

For who has sight so keen and strong,

That it can follow the flight of song?


Long, long afterward, in an oak

I found the arrow, still unbroke;

And the song, from beginning to end,

I found again in the heart of a friend.


I don't think poems today have such sentiments. People don't think of life as anything but a party until the music stops. And they don't go looking for songs in the hearts of friends.  

Monday, June 13, 2022

Waiting for the Axe

Last week I felt my mood improving. I enjoyed getting out to cut the grass myself. Cleaning the garage gave me such a boost in morale, too, that I wanted to get back out the next day. I still have stuff to do in there, but it felt good to get rid of so much junk and I wanted to do more. The weather and my body didn't cooperate, but mentally, I was moving up.

So this week, why do I feel as if I'm waiting for some kind of explosion to happen behind me? The feeling that I'm sitting on the edge of a cliff with no safety rope or net is so profound I feel my heart racing just thinking about it. Think that is anxiety. I use all the tools I have to redirect myself, but I'm so stressed about ... nothing or at least, about something I feel coming but can't see!

Over the weekend I was in such terrible pain with my left shoulder and it has been a problem for months now. I told my doctor, and she talked about getting an MRI, but so far nothing. I'm sending a note via My Chart tonight to request they move on this. The pain is so horrible I can't use my arm when it flares up. I had the elbow surgery to help the nerve pain in my hand, but when this shoulder flares, the entire arm has nerve problems.

As usual, I made a note of the anxious feelings, so if something happens, there is a record of my premonition. I've had stuff like this all my life and it isn't funny when something happens and I couldn't prevent it. 

I drive more carefully, keep a closer check on the house, and wait for my phone to ring with bad new. I'll be elated when it doesn't happen. That rarely happens, the elation, I mean.

Today, the temperature was nearly 100°. That makes it impossible to do any outside work. I have to ration my time working in my yard because I may dig holes today and be flat of my back tomorrow. This year I wanted to plant flowers. I haven't done it for a couple of years. I wanted some tomatoes in pots but it hasn't happened. I managed to get bird feeders filled, and that has been enjoyable, particularly to the cats. They can sit for hours watching them. Well, if I didn't have to keep the curtains closed to block the heat. 

I shudder to see the next electric bill. I must remind folks that just because you went to +$15 and hour in pay, doesn't mean everyone did. Social Security folks got about $20 in cost-of-living increase. AND we pay for our medicare out of that. What, you didn't know medicare wasn't free? For many of us, there was actually no increase in income.

So, I'm done now. For the moment, I'll just sit back and see where the axe is going to fall. 


Wednesday, January 26, 2022

Shocking Findings


Well. The old year is gone and we have a brand, spanking new year. With brand, spanking new problems. Isn't that nice?

My car was totaled December 17. Not sure y'all knew that but if you're on Facebook, you might have read it. It is now January 26 and I still have no car and no payout from the insurance of the person who hit me. I'm so annoyed. A whole list if issues resulted from that. The claims adjuster went on Christmas vacation and left me hanging. 

Word of caution here: Auto Owners is the worst insurance agency I've ever had to deal with in an accident. I've had three accidents where the other driver totaled my car but this is the first time I've ever had nearly two months to settle. And they're not very helpful. People didn't answer the phone, didn't respond to my voice mails. Yes, I'm aware it was a holiday but has anyone ever seen an insurance agency who didn't have claims adjusters working at all hours of the day and night? Of course, it could have just been the agency I was dealing with but they've convinced me never to buy insurance with them.

I had my second round of Covid the week after Christmas. Rebecca, my ex daughter-in-law got sick first. I really think she'd have died if I hadn't got to her when I did. She could not breath. I brought her and Madilyn, who is only 6, home with me but Rebecca got so bad I had to take her to the hospital. They gave her monoclonal antibodies and that really helped get her back on her feet in a couple of days. I was not very sick at all and needed only cold medicine and acetaminophen. We both got back to business in two weeks. Madi seems to have missed the bullet.

Yesterday I had a nerve conduction test done, my third in four years. This time they sent me because I keep waking up and my hands are numb. Really numb. I can't feel them or use them. If you've never had a nerve conduction test, think Taser, on repeat. 

They take an electrode and send a shock through various muscles in the area you're having a problem with. Then, they start over with needles and jab, no really jab, those into the muscle and send the shock through the muscle while telling you to push against something, tightening the muscle so they get a reading of how well it is sending the signal. This is very uncomfortable and increases the feeling of electrocution. Yesterday, I had about 10 shocks on each arm: 5 electrode shocks and 5 needled. He hit a small vein in my hand and I bleed a bit. Took a bit for him to get it stopped. However, I say again, this is not a painful procedure. Well, not much.

The nice neurologist gave me the results immediately. In my right hand I have carpel tunnel. In my left hand, I have a pinched nerve in my elbow. He wanted to know why they operated on my neck when it was my hand that was the problem. I explained the ruptured disk and how my whole left arm had been affected. He said he didn't know how they'd missed the elbow problem. I had no answer to that since it was their doctors who checked everything but I suspect the compressed spinal cord was a bigger priority than my elbow at that time. Since I'd begun to have fainting spells, it was for me. 

So, now I have to go to my doctor and probably get sent to another, or two other doctors. No idea. Don't you love surprises?

That's about sums up my January... well, mid-December through January and since there are about four more days this month, who knows what joy awaits. 

May the Lord's face shine on you. May your road be smooth and your burdens light.






Monday, May 3, 2021

May Update

May arrived with showers instead of flowers. I hate this weather. I have nothing noteworthy to mention and to repeat a litany of my aches and pains will bore you. I'll spare you this month.

Plans for May:

  •     Get back to the gym.
  •     A trip to St. Louis Zoo may happen as well. Madi is coming to see me and we may run over there. 
  •     Go South for a few days at least, maybe to Atlanta and then to the Gulf. 

Fingers crossed on that last one. I need some sun and some warm weather. I could also use some warm sand against my feet. 

I'm fairly disgusted with all my writing attempts. I've been unwell for most of 2020, and the start of 2021 does not bode well. I'm so tired of being sick, tired, and in pain. Bad enough to feel bad but the exhaustion that comes with autoimmune disease is simply miserable and hard to bear.

Mike has started his third week of employment with Amazon. I'm so proud of him for stepping out and doing this. If you have read this blog, you know he has some medical issues and some learning issues that make it hard for him to employ. And finding employers willing to work with his hearing problems and learning problems is very difficult. They usually just fire him rather than trying to work with his situation. This driving job seems to be designed for him. Prayers for him in this job. 

Sarah is in Ohio. I no longer get to see her unless I go there, but they have no place for us to stay and I can't afford hotel rooms. I get messages from her now and then, but that's all. I'm trying to ignore the intense pain it causes me. I thought it would be different that when she was in Arkansas, but it isn't. 

I have been doing the housework better. I found a video on YouTube that showed me an exercise for my lower back that really seems to help. It isn't a cure, but it helps lessen the pain. It also clarified for me, where the pain is located. My SI joints seem to be the problem =  sacroiliac joints.

I'm trying to watch my diet again. I lost 20 lbs last year before Covid lockdown. I gained it back plus. Going barefoot aggravated my plantar fascitis, so I now have to wear shoes constantly. But I can walk again. Another good reason to get back to the gym. 

For several months, I've been cleaning out rooms and closets, but I haven't gotten rid of nearly enough junk. I'm considering storming a room at a time and emptying it and then putting only necessary items back in it. I'll put everything in boxes and then decide what goes to charity or the dump. It would make it easier in the event I actually decide to sell the house. I keep thinking it is the best solution now. I have nothing left to hold me here.

That's May in a nutshell, I think. I am trying harder to come in and update this blog regularly. It seems I've lost my desire to write much of anything. I find life more pain than not and no one wants to be bombarded with reports of that all the time. 

If you're still a reader of this blog, thank you. And I'm sorry if you get tired of my whining. We all want to be heard, especially when we're in pain. When I look back over this blog, I see there has been a lot of pain. And loss. And I'm no hero. 

Have a good week and be blessed. While you're at it, bless someone else.



Tuesday, November 10, 2020

Dung On Toast

 So the cursed election is over and as usual, liberals are talking about "coming together" and "pulling together". Why? They didn't want it before. They don't care now. It makes excellent media content from a monumentally biased media to spread like dung on toast. I'm not eating it. 

These are the same morons who marched with vaginas on their heads, threatened to kill the president, held up bloody effigies of him, and burned down cities without batting an eye. The smack floating now is just more dung.

We're overrun with closet communist who aren't hiding anything from anyone with a brain. When my 14 yr old granddaughter, who never shown more than passing interest in the outcome of elections, says she's concerned about democrats winning, something is very wrong. 

But I won't bore you with my disgust with 50% of the human race. These dung producers are now in charge. Let's hope it happens quickly and they won't be too unhappy when they abolish the Bill of Rights or burn the Constitution. The ignorance of the current generation was a well-planned indoctrination of them. Russia told us in the 50s and 60s they'd do it this way. 

Mike is ill again with a cold. He sounds awful. No fevers this time. Of course, he tested negative 3 times for Covid from March through May. No point in having it checked again. He was horribly sick then and is no on inhalers from it. This past Monday, he started coughing and was not well. Thursday, I was sick with the same coughing and we both feel like trucks ran over us.

I started sweating on Sunday night. Had to shower and change clothes. I did the same on Monday. I weighed today and had lost a pound! I felt better, too. So good that I set about a gargantuan cleaning project for the den. By bed time I could hardly walk. I had a terrible night's sleep and woke up at 2 a.m. in all over pain. Went back to bed and was up a 8 a.m. I went back to bed at noon and slept till 2 p.m. I feel awful now. The rain started late this afternoon, and that's probably a factor in some of my pain. 

I have to clean and reorganize the living room this week and clean the two spare rooms for company. David and Sarah are coming next week with part of his new wife Tasha and son, Isaiah. 

I'm trying to get back on my feet with the exercise, but it hasn't gone well. I've never been so exhausted as I have been the last several months. I've worked out a couple of times a week for weeks. It won't happen this week, but I'm fine with it. I just wish I was doing as well as I was last winter. I lost nearly 20 lbs then. I've barely lost two in two months. It is so depressing. 

I'm headed to bed to see if I can get enough rest to make me feel better. I might have some real toast with butter before I go. And cinnamon/sugar!


Monday, September 28, 2020

Strange Start to My Week

 

A gloomy rainy day greeted me this morning, and I am happy with it. I love rain and when I can wake to it with no pain; it is a good day. 

I'd like to understand how I can be in so much pain one day and none the next, but I suspect those are mysteries not meant for me to know. I am sad I couldn't go to church. I felt sick all weekend. Had upset stomach Saturday night on top of back/hip pain.

I had to step into the yard to get a photo for the blog today. David's tree on the left is so tall now I can't get it all in the photos. Sarah's trees, on the right, are growing well. They are over 7 feet now. I should have cut one down as it is right against the fence post. The bushy tree in the center is a fig that has never done well. And the scraggly thing center right is a maple that came up in the fire pit area. I let it grow since my yard is so large and has so few trees. I may never see them at their full potential, but I hope to enjoy some shade from them. 

I love trees and a yard full is just so wonderful. We tried several species, but they didn't do well. We had several mimosas for years and a blight struck them and killed all of them. I was so disappointed. I love mimosa, despite their messiness. The largest shaded the patio. I had to have them removed. I discovered this blight is something that will stay in the soil and new trees would be at risk. We've never had anymore come up, but the neighboring yard has some along the fence. 

I'm about to get busy putting away laundry, I think. I need to vacuum, but I'm  nervous. I have no pain in my back or legs today, and vacuuming or sweeping could change that. I swept the kitchen, but I used extreme caution to do so. 

I shall end and wish you a happy Monday. I don't think I've written a blog without a lot of whining in a while. Perhaps I can set a trend!

Thursday, September 24, 2020

Cleaning Closets & Coming to Terms


Ah, children! Fall arrived with a whisper. The days gradually cooled, and the nights became cooler. The last month I've had so much pain I hardly noticed. 

But yesterday I woke to find I had so little pain that I felt refreshed. That allowed me to get small things done. Yesterday was a good day. 

This morning, I woke hurting all over and found a light rain fell during the early morning hours, explaining why I felt so bad. It's taken hours to feel functional, but the sun is shining now, so  I'll take it. 

Mike came over to do his laundry and is napping on my sofa. I didn't realize how bad his sleep apnea was until the weekend trip to Ohio. He's worse than me, I suspect. 

I'm coping with the stresses of Sarah being gone, but it has been difficult. The house is simply hollow without her, and I have times when I hear her down the hall or I feel that I need to get her to bed. That's probably the worst.  

I'm isolated to an extreme degree. No one comes here, but Mike and I can't go very many places with my suppressed immune system while Covid is still a genuine threat. I want to go to church so bad and may try this weekend. It isn't just the virus. I have trouble sitting or standing for long periods. My back and legs are still a problem. 

I have figured out what is causing the severe leg pain. My hips and legs have hurt so bad for months now and I've tried everything to get relief. I could barely walk most days. This week, I went into commando mode. The doctors keep blowing me off, so I used one of my topical meds that I don't use often. There is risk associated with Diflonec, but my pain levels became unendurable. So, I started plastering my hip and lower back with this medicine. 

Hips are difficult to medicate this way. Unlike knees, the hips are deep in the tissues and are a socket in addition. Getting topical meds to the affected areas is nearly impossible. In the past, I found that by putting one foot on a stool, the rounded part of the hip joint is more pronounced. So, I propped my foot on the toilet and put the medicine on and all around that area on each leg. I also do the area to either side of my lower back, closest to the hip. I have been doing it three to four times a day and wearing a Diflonec patch on my back at night. The pain is better, but at some point they're going to have to look at this for a better solution. Or I'm going to be in a wheelchair in terrible pain.

I've done no writing, focusing instead on getting rid of stuff. I have to work in small time spans and focus on a specific area, but I've cleared out some drawers. I must completely gut the closet in the spare room and organize that room. As I'm cleaning things in other rooms, if there is something I need to keep it goes in the spare room. I also need some shelving in there for my sewing and crochet items. At the moment, they're all over the house and I want them centralized. 

 I'm attempting to get rid of clothes I've finally decided I'll never be able to wear again. At some point, I have to just let go, give up. Things will not change. I'm never going to be a size 14 again. I'm never going to be 25 again. I'm never going to be me again. I have to learn to live with this body, this age, and who I am now. I don't like her much but, as I always say, it is what it is.

An unexpected disappointment came up this week. I brought my family dining table home from Mikes. We put it up but must not have tightened the leg enough. I had to move it and messed up the bracket. Getting a new one has proved impossible, so my only recourse is to have a metal worker create a new one. One is $125 and 4 is $150. Since I have neither amount, it isn't happening. I have to move it back to Mike's where he'll store it for me since he has room. I so wanted it up, but perhaps it is time to give up on it. Solid oak and 32 yrs old. No one is interested in it, and I have no family left to sit around it. I think it is one of the most difficult decisions I have to make. So many memories of meals, holidays, and game nights. I can get by with a tv tray but that table. We were so happy around that table. 

I suppose I should stop now. As I read back over it, I can't find anything that could interest anyone but me. And that's doubtful, too. I never thought of my life as exciting, but there was a place, a point in time, where things happened. Fun, exciting, and frightening. Life happened and I feel as if I missed it. I remember walking down streets in Frankfurt, Germany and feeling as if I was in a dream. I was, I think. Did it really happen? 

In case you had not noticed, I'm a mess. I'm broken in some way I can't comprehend. I can see it, and feel it. I'm not sure how or exactly where. I just know I have no way to fix it. 

I hope you have a wonderful weekend. Make the most of every moment, right now, while there's time. Living life on the ledge isn't always fun, but you'll make some wonderful memories along the way. 




Tuesday, September 1, 2020

Gloom, Despair, and Agony on Me

Returned from a quick trip to Ohio yesterday. We left Saturday to take Sarah to her Dad. He's moved there recently and since he has primary custody now, she'll live with him. It was so difficult to leave her. It didn't help that I was very sick. I kind of lost it as I was leaving.

I've had a toothache for the last week and by Saturday night it was horrible. My jaw hurt, all my teeth hurt, and the side of my head hurt. Wearing my glasses caused pain over my ear.

Earlier in the week, about last Wednesday, I found that beneath a bridge I have on the left side the gum had swelled. It is a tight fitting bridge, and the swelling presented as small bubbles and it was so painful. I thought I had something under it, but using floss there is difficult on a good day. This wasn't a good day. I needed to call the dentist, but the entire week was one disaster after another. I'm having so much pain walking that even taking the garbage to the street is difficult. Sarah and I both had this ennui and could not accomplish a thing. We didn't even pack until the night before and the morning we left!

We did clean house and do laundry so she could carry everything she needed. Dealing with all that is always exhausting. When I got home, I realized the act of packing for a move creates its own mess. I have to sweep and clean her room, make my bed, and it seems there is stuff everywhere. I'm glad I bug bombed while I was away. That's at least one thing I don't have to worry about for 6 months.

When I arrived home, I called my dentist and saw him on Monday afternoon. They looked and gave me a Z-Pack and referred me to an endodontist. I may need 2-3 root canals and I need a crown on the opposite side. The pain is from the right side, so at this point both sides of my mouth are giving me trouble. ALL my teeth and my jaws hurt. As of this morning, there is improvement, but not a lot.

Sarah began school in Ohio yesterday. They're doing 2 weeks online with limited attendance. After that, I believe they'll be going full time. I know she dreaded it, but I hope this will be a fresh start where she gets the help she needs. The environment is clearly better than the toxic one she was in for 8 months. Her Dad is working, but he's also job hunting for something full time. There are a tremendous number of opportunities there compared to Podunk, Arkansas. 

I'm exhausted from all the stuff I'm battling. My RA hasn't been too bad but my legs, my teeth, my fatigue, and my back have ganged up on me and coupled with the stress of Sarah leaving again, well, I'm worn out.

For now, I'll leave it there. I'm still very blessed. I just wish he would bless me with less pain. Of course, it could always be worse.


Thursday, July 30, 2020

A Day in Wet Trenches

All's quiet on the front, but we're still hunkered in the trenches for the duration. Rain came in the night and soaked my patch of ground. We're sick of rations, sick of the quiet, sick of looking at one another. The occasional potshot is not enough to keep us interested. We have seen the enemy. He is us. 

Sorry, that's how bad it is around here. I got a bit carried away, I guess, but it was working for me.

I woke at 6:30 this morning, and it was pouring down rain. I could get up with minimal pain in my back but it feels as if the shooting pains in my legs are flaring up, not full force, but it's a kind of "I'm waiting!" sensation. 

Mike came and took me to the lab for blood work. He can drop me at the door and save me a very long and painful walk from the parking lot. It's agony the couple of times I've done it prior to my shots. Even from the lab to the lobby was mildly uncomfortable in my hip region today.

I don't like bloodwork. Really. For me, it is the phlebotomist fishing expedition. They can't find the veins and have to dig around. Then, they start over in the other arm or a new spot. Same progress. In the event they find a vein, keeping it flowing is the next problem. Not fun. It isn't their fault, just my deep slippery veins. 

Today I had a young woman who admitted about halfway through that her training was incomplete. It had already become abundantly clear something wasn't right, so it was no surprise. She did an outstanding job on the stick but had trouble keeping the line open. It took so long some blood clotted, making it unusable. Yes, I have to go back for a repeat of a couple test next week. I even drank a lot of water when I got up to ensure the blood would be fluid enough to make it quick. I didn't count on a slow draw. 

Once back home, I had to go back to sleep. I couldn't stay awake. On days like this, that's not unusual. Fatigue plagues me and gloomy weather seems to make it worse. I woke around noon. 

It's very hard for me to feel unproductive. I stayed busy all my life, even when I stayed home with the kids. Cooking and cleaning for four people, sewing clothes for three of us, refinishing old furniture meant my days were full. Then, college with two school-aged children kept me running. Next, teenagers, a husband, and a job rounded out my career. A busy life filled with excitement. Only after Jerry died and I retired did things slow down, and I've hated it. Unfortunately, I can't go back to work with the physical problems I have now. 

The gym was helping me feel better, and I could do more, but since the back problems began, followed by a pandemic, I can tell I'm declining in strength. I just finished a late lunch and I'm about to wind this up and see if I can get something accomplished. 

I just got the yarn in that I ordered so I can finish my new project. I'm rather excited about that. It is so lovely, and the photo doesn't do it justice. The yarn soft and sparkles in the light. I don't know what I'm doing with it yet but it could be a blanket or a shawl. Think it would make a beautiful Christmas shawl or Valentine's Day shawl. 

Have a lovely day, wherever you are and spend it doing something you love. Thank you for reading. 


Thursday, December 13, 2018

Wednesday Rant 10/12/18

I just needed to vent, I guess. Sorry if you're bored or annoyed but I feel ever so much better! There is some kind of hiccup about two minutes in and the audio is out of sync. I've tried to fix it but it was so time consuming I got aggravated. May do that later but hey, this is just for friends and family anyway.






Thursday, May 3, 2018

My Week in Review

Been a long time since I posted here but I have so much news I decided it would be easier to disseminate. So for those of you still checking in, here we go. Monday has apparently become clean the house day because that will get me thru the week. Mike came and dug out the flower bed but I couldn't get to the planting because I was too tired after cleaning and laundry all day. I did put Castor beans in the ground. These will drive out the voles and moles, whose tunnels are causing a tripping hazard in my yard. It will take a few months but once they take root, those critters will head for daylight. This is an old gardeners trick. Tuesday.. funny, I don't remember a lot of it. I had a sleep doctor appt and that went well although, she said I needed to go to bed earlier so I don't need those 2 hr naps every day. She's probably right, but I've always been a night owl. If it wasn't for Sarah, I could sleep late in the mornings. 20 days of school left! I came home and spent the day reading. Sarah and I went to the grocery story after school, and then spent time doing her math homework. I was in bed by 9:30! Tuesday is the first day I've been on the computer for a week, I think. Wednesday I cut the yard, moved some edging stones around to the front to line the walk (I used the mower and trailer to move them, I'm not totally insane yet), and I was planning when she got home to get the seed in the ground! That didn't happen because the day caught up with me. I fell asleep in the chair for about a hour. I was still in bed by 10, though. I've also been walking. Went one day last week and couldn't walk .3 of a mile without nearly having to crawl back to the car. Both my hips were in agony. Upset me a bit because the future looked bleak. I waited and went back Monday and this time, I just walked around the small lake near the VA cemetery. The photo is a shot from the parking area, across the lake. I made it around 3 times but I had to sit on one of the benches each round to rest my hips. Went back Tuesday and made it 4 times with one rest, and that got me .5 of a mile! Yesterday, I made it .5 again with only one stop. So, maybe the future is not so bleak. Since my back injury and all the steroids they put me on, I gained too much weight! It will probably take a while to peel that back off. However, if I can keep walking, I might make a dent in it. The pain in my hips is probably a combination of too much weight, weak muscles from sitting around for 9 months, and the arthritis. The good news is, a short break between laps seems to make it ease up. So, I'm shooting for distance rather than speed. Once I can get around a half mile without stopping, I can try for more distance. There are benches around the lake but once I start hoofing around the cemetery, there are no places to sit... unless I pick a tombstone. There are some monuments with benches up on the hill but I'm nowhere near tackling that. So, now you're caught up for the week. We'll see how the rest of it goes.

Sunday, March 23, 2014

It's a Ledge But It Isn't Life


As I leaned against the bathroom wall this morning I don't think I've ever been so close to wishing I was dead. I don't ever put that into words anymore. I think we've all done it at some point in our lives, when we were young and didn't really see the value of life. We were stupid and just said what popped into our heads. But I stopped saying things like that a long time ago. Words have power. 

Today, I'm close. The pain is in every joint. Nothing is helping. I spent the next several hours lying in a chair trying to sleep. 

I don't know how I'm going to get through the next five days like this. I don't know how I'm going to get through the next five hours. I've tried to figure out what I did to deserve this kind of torture, because it is torture. It feels like your joints are being cooked from the inside, slowly. The cramps in my legs from the knee pain make lying down uncomfortable. And my neck, while it may look ok, is not. I can't sit in certain positions, like reading or crochet angles, so I'm constantly shifting for something that minimizes the pain and doesn't make my neck and shoulder go numb. I'm not reading or crocheting these days for more than minutes. That spreading numbness is very scary.


I've looked for all kinds of answers and I'm pretty tired of the effort. I really don't want to do it anymore. I've finally realized that there are no solutions. None.

What is even more frustrating is that I can't seem to get anyone to understand that there is nothing anyone can do to fix it. It is like talking to three year olds. They either think, because I'm up walking around that I don't have a problem or because I managed to get to work, I must be o.k. People seem to refuse to believe there isn't some magic potion to make you better. There isn't.

And I have to say when you are in pain, people tend to say the stupidest things, as if you haven't frantically searched for something that will help you. Yes, I know they mean well. Yes, I understand they are upset by my state. Yes, I do appreciate it. But to spare me any further pain of dwelling on the hopelessness of it please educate yourself on my disease. Google the hundreds of pages I've Googled. 

"Do you need to go to the hospital?" No.I can't afford it and they can't do anything anyway.

"Did you take something?" No because there is nothing else I can take. I am allergic to an ingredient they put in the medicines to treat the disease. That allergy will kill me if I take it.

"Can you call your doctor?" No. My doctor knows my condition and nothing has changed.

"What about .....?"  NO!

"Or .....?" NO!

"Maybe if you ...." NO, NO, NO!

Stop it already. 

Believe me when I tell you that in the middle of the worst pain, I've sat sobbing over Google looking for something that will fix it. I've read medical reports and articles, I've talked to other people with the disease. I've researched alternative medical sites. I've read junk science. It can't be fixed. There is nothing I can take. There is nothing I can do. There is nothing you can do. There is no place to go, no one to see, and no one to talk to about it. You can't help me. I can't help me. The doctor can't help me. 

So, I leaned against the wall, waiting for the water to get hot and said, "This isn't living. This is living death. And I don't want to do it."

I was surprised I meant it. 




Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Gloom, Despair, & Agony

Well, it isn't that bad. Really. It is Wednesday and the weather is lousy. I woke to gray cloud cover, everything was wet and cold. I hurt. Not many places but those places hurt a lot. As I sat on the edge of the bed I considered my alternatives. Pain or medicines that could give me cancers or worse. When it hurts that bad it is a hard choice.

Still, I managed to drag myself from the warm bed and get Sarah up for school. I would have stayed there for another 20 minutes but I forgot Sarah. She was not happy either. She wouldn't go to bed last night and she chattered for a good 20 minutes after lights were out.

We had our breakfast and by then, some of my pain was manageable. I took two generic 8 hour tylenol. The alternatives faded from my mind as the morning progressed and pain subsided to tolerable levels. But I am so tired and no medicine will fix that.

I'm concerned about the endless exhaustion. Epstein Barr, which I had for about 6 months last year, is suspect in Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. I've had fatigue before but not on the scale I seem to have it now. I can't get enough rest. I fall asleep easily but do not sleep long and when I get up I'm exhausted. My next move will be a sleep study. I need to know what is happening.

I had the MRI yesterday and already folks are asking... namely my children. I understand and appreciate their concern. Nice to feel cared for now and then. Still, no result until they send me a nice letter telling me or the doctor calls me. I have to say the numbness, while still happening, seems to be lessing each day. There's very little pain there now, thankfully. I still get twinges at certain motions and angles. I really believe the worst of it was caused by things in my neck swelling and compressing a nerve. I could be wrong.

My RA doctor will not believe me. I see her tomorrow. Her nurse informed me that the doctor thought I had an upper respiratory infection that caused the swollen glands, neck pain, and pond scum from my nose, despite not a single symptom - no sneezing, coughing, or breathing problems associated with such infections. She never checked my nose. Never commented on my neck pain. How would she even know? She suggested my Primary look into that.

However, since all symptoms, except the neck pain and numbness disappeared within three days of stopping the methotrexate, why would I bother? I saw my primary days after I stopped it and she found no sign of an infection but ordered the MRI to see if there was a herniated disk causing the neck problem.

So, there we have it. Wednesday weather is sucky. My life is exhausting. I very upset because as a result of all this, my writing has come to a screeching halt. I have ideas floating in my head but I can't seem to focus long enough to get them down. I hate it, hate it, hate it.

How is your week progressing? Anything exciting? I could use some excitement... well the good kind, not the usual.




Sunday, March 9, 2014

Death in a Bottle

I elected to not take the Methotrexate this weekend. It was a difficult decision and one for which I have no doubt I will suffer painful consequences. But I was already suffering consequences from the decision to take it. Within one month of starting it the pain in my joints was 100% better. The trade off was that the glands in my neck started to swell and I developed some kind of severe pain in the side of my neck below my ear that rapidly worsened to the point that turning my head in certain positions was agony. I developed numbness along the bottom of my jaw on that side and if I kept my head in that position long enough, the numbness crept up the side of my head and down to my shoulder. I had no explanation for it.

It was obvious to me that something wasn't right. When I returned to the doctor about two months later, I told her the problem and she completely ignored it. Made no reference to the neck pain at all. I mentioned I went to my Primary care physician and she thought it sounded like torticollis. She didn't seem interested and did not check the neck and gave the lymph glands a passing probe. "Yes, they're slightly swollen."

I became more and more depressed, to the point I was spending a lot of evening alone in my house crying. I also mentioned this to her but she didn't feel it was an issue, despite the flyer for the medicine saying this was a side effect of methotrexate, as are the swollen glands.

The swelling worsened. Those under my arms were a bit tender. I was using heat and cold packs on my neck day and night when I was at home. They helped a bit. The neck pain and stiffness got slightly better. It has not gone away. But as of the morning, after not taking the once a week dose yesterday, my glands have dramatically shrunk. I've felt exhausted for a while now, as I think I've mentioned on here. I'd  have to look back but I think ever since I've been on the Methotrexate I've been more tired. Yes, I did hurt less in my joints but my quality of life has not improved.

I've felt for years that my situation was the result of a virus. I watched a video that scared the heebee jeebees out of me a few night ago and kept me up most of the night with what I heard. It was horrible. I will not post the link here. If you want to watch it on YouTube look for Dr. R. E. Tent and a video about autoimmune disorders. I warn you it is insanely scary and sounds like a science fiction movie of epic portions. That was just the first hour.

The second hour, which I skimmed because I was in shock by then, he talked about his patients. He indicated Epstein Barr is connected to rheumatoid arthritis, headaches, and chronic fatigue. Last year, the first five months of the year, I was sick with what my Primary care doctor said was a "recurrence of the Epstein Barr virus". I couldn't believe that then because the symptoms I was having were not familiar to me when I was sick last year. That's mono and I had never in my life had that virus. Apparently, I did. You can have mild cases or just be a carrier.

In light of what I know now, it makes so many thing much clearer. And instead of throwing poison at it there has to be something else. No, I have no idea what. I just know that I believed for years that my condition was the result of a virus. I have no idea why I believed that, I just have always done so. It acts like a virus to me. And no, I'm not a doctor but I read and I pay attention to my body. I listen to it.

So, despite the devastating effects that are probably in store for me with the RA and the pain I am very familiar with,  I see no reason to take a medicine that has, in four months, made me as sick, if nor more so, as I am with RA. In the video, he called Methotrexate "Death in a Bottle".

If you pray, if you know someone who is able to pray for healing please bring my name to their attention. If you take Methotrexate or have in the past, I would like to hear your experiences on it. And if you know of reputable alternative treatments to any of these, I want to know.

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

A Month of Stuff

It has been a busy and rough couple of weeks. I finished NaNoWriMo four days early. In the past I've finished as early as a couple of days but not four days. It was a nice feeling, in addition to getting the 50k goal. I couldn't have done it, I suspect, without the online write-ins we had over on Mibbit.

We had to move Mike over the course of two Sundays. The only common day off we share is Sunday so it had to be done. One guy showed up to help him on the Sunday before the holiday weekend. They moved everything into my garage. We left the boxes and small items in the old unit until Thanksgiving weekend. Then, they let him start putting things in the unit on Wednesday. It was very good of them and saved us a bundle in truck rental and time.


Thanksgiving I spent alone. Mike and my sister worked. Mike and I spent Friday cleaning and moving stuff from his old place. My aunt and uncle drove up from Atlanta on Friday. That's a very long trip for them. They're in their mid-70's. I'm not that old and driving down to visit is rough on me.


Saturday, my aunt and I finished the cleaning up the old place while Mike finished moving the boxes and other small items to the new one. On Sunday we rented the UHaul pickup again and started moving stuff from the garage to his new place. My uncle took care of Sarah on Saturday and Sunday for us to move Mike. So, here we are, my sister, my aunt, my ex-daughter-in-law, me, and Mike. We left my aunt and sister at his new place putting away the stuff Mike had moved on the car while me, Becca, and Mike used the U-Haul to move furniture. My sister and aunt were neither able to do that lifting. I had no choice but at least Becca came to help.


Sunday night I had to pay the piper. I had severe leg cramps in both legs and sciatica in my lower back, probably causing the cramps. I didn't sleep much, if any. I got up on Monday barely able to move. My aunt and uncle left around 7:30 and I took Sarah to school. I could barely walk I hurt so bad and although I was dressed for work, I called in sick and went back to bed. I spent most of the day lying on the sofa sleeping. My back was moderately better Tuesday morning.


As a result of all my efforts, I've been slammed with swollen hands, knees, and feet resulting from severe inflammation. RA at its worst crept up on me on Sunday night. My hands and feet felt as if they were stinging (the same feeling you get when you run water that is too hot on your hands) and painful to flex my fingers. . That's inflammation. I'm tired. I want to just curl up and go to sleep. I've been having an escalation of these issues for a few months now.


Instead, I went to work every day. Today I had an appointment with my RA doctor. She's going to give me a steroid pack and start me on metheltrixate. I see no alternative. I've tried to avoid it but I'm in such pain right now that it is just too much.

Today, I just want to come home and close my eyes. For several hours.

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Aching Calves & Brain Tweeks

Is is only Tuesday night? Really?

I've had severe pain in both calves for three days and I have no idea why. I have not walked in at least a week because I've either been exhausted, it rained, or I've been so busy I didn't get time. Sunday I had trouble walking. I could hardly walk yesterday and today, for most of the day, it was horrible. I see my primary doctor on Thursday and will address it with her. The weekend was rushed, as you should have read in a previous post. So, here we are at Tuesday. The only positive is Friday is two days away and vacation a few weeks.

Mike's birthday was Sunday and we all went to church and then to lunch together. Both my sister and I had diarrhea afterward. We both had clams. We eat at this restaurant a lot and never had this issue. Very odd... and unpleasant. I still had a problem on Monday.

I bought Mike a new smart t.v. for his birthday and he bought himself a stand for it. Dave and I went over to help him set up.I wish I had not. I don't want to go into detail but let me just say that the people on Hoarders are real people. They exist. I went back to Mike's tonight to help him get started cleaning up. This is going to take awhile. It is very stressful.

I'm tired and about to go to bed but I have spent some time tweaking my writing blog tonight. It is an old blog that started life as something else.  I like what I'm doing with these writing challenges the group has done. I'm writing more these days than I have in a long time. My efforts to limit my time on less productive pursuits has allowed me time to walk and the walking has stimulated my brain. I have to tell you that the cemetery walks have begun to feed me ideas and that's always a fun prospect. I feel more ready for NaNo than I've felt in several years. Now if I can just get the kick-off set up!

So, with that, I'll say good night.

Saturday, September 7, 2013

It Didn't

The day is drawing to a close and it has not been a good day. I got up around 8 a.m. and the day was blinding sunlit and the air was a comfortable 77 degrees. I had a terrible headache but I went to walk anyway, thinking that maybe the exercise would take the pain out of my neck and annihilate the headache.

It didn't.

Becca asked me to take her to work. So, I left the cemetery around 9:15 and stopped at McDonald's to get juice and a sausage biscuit. I thought since I'd had only a half cup of coffee maybe some food would help get rid of the still raging headache.

It didn't.

I took an Imetrix when I picked up Becca. After dropping her off I came home and got an ice pack. I lay down with the ice pack wrapped around my neck, along the left side of my head with the end of the towel wrap over my eyes. I thought after a hour it would ease off.

It didn't.

Sarah was with me and she lay there and played with  my hands for over an hour. She eventually went to do something on her own. I must have gone to sleep. I actually think she woke me several times but eventually I must have been too deep to hear her. I woke up at one and felt as if I'd been steamrolled. My head didn't hurt but I felt as if my brain was pumped full of fog and I was clumsy and kind of punch drunk.

At least the head didn't hurt.

Sarah and I went to the store to buy some fruit but that's pretty much all the action I've had since early morning. I've done nothing all day but sit, like a fungus on a log, doing nothing. I watched some movies, read a little, and finally decided to write a blog.

Well, I tried. Sarah is bored and can't entertain herself. I've never understood children who can't entertain themselves. If I'd relied on someone else to entertain me, I'd have been really bored.

Anyway, we came out here onto the patio. I haven't been out in months because the mosquitoes got really horrible and I started walking in July. So it was usually too late by the time I was done. Frankly, I'm still not feeling very well, just really sluggish and well, I always say a really bad migraine leave me with a hangover.

Dave and Sarah came out to join me and they played ball for a bit. She now wants to play chase.

You know, once again I realize that this lovely yard was meant for children. There are none now, and not likely to ever be anymore. This week I've been contemplating selling the house again. I don't know where I'd go. I really can't rent cheaper than what I pay here if I just count living expenses. But the repairs are what tip the scale. Once again I'm having plumbing problems and I am just not wanting to fork out the hundreds of dollars it would take just to get them to do the simplest of task. Frankly, we've always had minor plumbing problems here. Whoever added the extra bath and added the laundry room just didn't do something correct.

So, I keep pondering a sale.

I need to go in now. I put repellent on to keep the mosquitoes off.

It didn't.

Monday, April 29, 2013

Banal Monday

Well, not that that's out of the way. Monday is over for me, well, the hard part of it. It wasn't a great day but it wasn't the worst I've had either. I still have sinus issues. I am almost where I'll call the doctor to ask what to do but I am far better than I was two weeks ago so it seems silly to do that.

I have only minor pain but I am really tired. I sat out side while David cut the yard and I examined what I was feeling. It is a feeling that you've had this huge workout and you need to lie down. I don't want to lie down. I want to do things. I still feel tied but since I'm not focused on the feeling as much at the moment, it is not quite so intense. It is still there, just pushed back.

Remember my saying I was going to think of a way to use this: The Wandering Dragon Inn? Well, I started it. No idea what it is going to be or if what I wrote will remain. I just feel it is something I need to hang onto for now.

I'm going to go crochet on my shawl some more. I'm nearly done with it. I'll post photos when I finish it. I don't know if I like it or not. It isn't as large as I expected it or maybe I'm just bigger than I expected. I suppose I could modify it and make it larger but I'm not sure I want to bother. And I still have several rows so it may turn out all right. We'll see.

I want to start some other projects soon. I am hoping that my physical situation will remain this good. We'll have to wait and see.

Nothing happening at the moment. Eye of the storm comes to mind. Not a good place to be really. I had a feeling a few days ago that I always dread. Like something bad was going to happen. All I can do when I have those is pray. In general, I'm not usually wrong but I so wish I was.

Signing off now to finish cooking supper.

Sunday, April 28, 2013

On the Mend

 The sinus infection seems to be waning. I've just been taking stuff to allow me to breath and using saline nasal spray for days. Seems to be working. I'm not an advocate of running to the doctor for every little issue but had this not shown signs of breaking up, I would probably have had to go. Antibiotics are the reason we are now battling super bugs. The body has defenses to address most infections but our arrogance in thinking our science was better than nature has resulted in our bodies not being able to combat these bugs. It will only get worse. We've actually weakened our immunity to disease by putting antibiotics in our food sources and over prescribing them.

Anyway, that aliens are leaving I think.

No real pain except today my left hip has a catch in it. Usually my right one bothers me but today both of them do. That's about the only pain I have at the moment. Thank God for that huge respite. I'm always so thankful for pain relief.

I had plans to do some things this weekend but with David's return and my half day trip to the airport nothing got done at all except laundry, which needs putting away. I've spent the day keeping up with Sarah and I didn't go to church tonight because I was simply exhausted an in need of some alone time. She's a joy but dynamite comes in small packages. She blows me away.

It is a late night and I'm about to go to bed. This is a wrap now. If I go much longer, I will be really exhausted tomorrow.