Rundown of the Weekend

 The leg is better. Have I told you about the leg? 

My lower back (SI joint) has flared up. I overdid it at the gym one week and walked the next week. Felt good at the time, but I did too much. Results were an inflamed SI joint and bursitis in my left leg, flaring all the way to my knee.

They started PT last Friday. It helped a great deal. For a couple of days, the pain was so much better. It came back, but not as bad. Today I'm wearing my diclofenac patch. That actually seems to help the most, but I have trouble keeping it on my back. It isn't glue but a kind of foamy, sticky substance that thins over 12 hours. Hits the pain hard, and I feel good if it stays where I put it. But it slides around. 

I will have PT twice a week for about six weeks. They used a TENS unit, and that was amazing. 

Writing has kind of stopped with this latest pain but I think tonight I'll start back up. Or tomorrow if I am too tired. 

I'm not sleeping well most nights. Either too worried, too upset, or too excited. My brain just doesn't shut off. One night I spent all night writing in my sleep! It wasn't a deep sleep, and I kept waking up. I considered getting up and writing. But I was so tired. 

I think I am going to plan a trip home. I need to go. And it would get me out of my head for a bit. Mike goes to Indy for an appointment with the neurosurgeon to get his brain disease checked for treatment. We know there's only one treatment at this point. But we need to know his status. Maybe when I get back, I can head home. 

Planning on getting rid of at least one cat. I simply can't cope with three anymore. Also, I may get rid of the second one. I love her, but again, I'm at my limit. And I want to get away more. Of course, Jet is not going anywhere. I think he's too attached and wouldn't do well if he were re-homed. Besides, I talk to him a lot. I actually talk to them all. And they try to answer back. 

Reading four books at the moment. I haven't done that in a while. Mostly because I had been reading a book a day since November. Once I began writing, I couldn't read a book a day. It took three days. So, I finished one yesterday and began two today. There are two others I was already reading. And yes, I can keep up with them. 

For now, I'm headed to the shower. 

A Week Outside the Bubble

 

Life looks nice in a glass bubble. From the outside, anyway. I don't live there.

It's been a strange week. Woke up on Saturday and couldn't walk. Inflamed bursa in my leg. The pain was terrible. I forgot I can't wear flat shoes or go barefoot. 

Plantar fascitis means I need to wear heels. I love heels. But not to wash dishes or vacuum. And I don't own any real pearls. 

That is going to go over the head of anyone who didn't watch 50s television. Think Leave It To Beaver's mom.

Today is Friday. I've been to the pain doctor, and he's sending me to physical therapy because we both believe that fewer drugs are better. Today I have my annual torture session at the Breast Center. It makes me a better person. At least I tell myself it does. On the 30th, I see PT. 

I'm alternating between depression and a weird happiness. No idea, so please don't ask me to explain. I know where the depression is coming from. The weird happiness, too. I'd like to reconcile them so I only feel one a day. Or maybe just one and not depression. Weird happiness isn't bad. It just isn't genuine happiness in the sense that you feel secure. It's very shaky. Like skates. I don't skate well. So, yeah, that's what it feels like. 

No holiday decorations, but I've reconsidered it a bit. A wave of immense guilt washed over me when my son asked me to fix a ham, remembering I no longer celebrate Christmas at all. Well, he's been away from home for the holidays for years. Now he wants a ham? 

Don't get me wrong. I celebrate the birth of Jesus. I don't need trappings to do that. They're nice. I love them. I enjoyed decorating. But decorating an empty house is not weirdly happy. It's utterly depressing. So, since I'm already battling that beast, I won't feed it. 

Writing? Yeah, that's been going full blast. Only this week, I've kind of hit a bump. The leg pain means sitting for lengthy periods is pretty uncomfortable. I usually can't walk for several minutes without pain. Also, wearing heels leads to foot pain in the metatarsal area. Heels are not for daily wear, although I did it when I worked. I don't know how! Regardless of that; I have to wear a shoe with at least an inch and a half heel if I want the pain to lessen. 

So, 66,612 words for November and December is a lot of writing. I began on the 12 of November, and that's the count as of today. And I still seem to have a lot of it left. It's so odd because I haven't done this much writing in years. Not in one book. Weirdly productive? Maybe. Hope it last till I get it done because the storyline has now made it impossible not to have a book 2! I do not know how that happened. 

I'll wish you a Merry Christmas & a Happy New Year. 

May the dreams you dream come true and the wishes you wish do too.

CM

Light

 Tuesday arrived quickly. December 2nd. I can't believe we're here. 

Today is another good day. I can't tell you why. It has just been one of those days that roll in and surprise you with things you didn't think you deserved. 

We had a bit of snow overnight. I went to lunch at Firehouse, my new favorite place. One sandwich and I'm done for the day. And it is so good. The girls behind the counter have become pals. It's nice to go to a place and have a person smile at you and you know they're glad to see you. They told me I was their favorite customer, recently. They're my favorite sandwich girls.

A friend called me and talked for a while, and that was a lovely respite from what would have been a boring day.

No writing today, well — that's not actually true. I wrote something on the writing blog and this, of course. You'll have to go see it if you're interested. 

I blog little about grief here anymore, except at this time of year. I think I posted something recently. I will not do that this year. At least, I'm going to try not to do that. I have several years of grief post from January 30th, 2009, through maybe the next six years. There are random posts throughout the blog for more years. 

This year, I want to end it. I want it to stop. I had a difficult week in mid-November. It was as if it had happened yesterday and I couldn't cope with it. I literally fell apart several times. 

 In the last couple of weeks, I realized I want that to end. I want to stop feeling the hurt. I want to stop hearing that ring rake along the headboard. I don't want to see his eyes anymore. I don't want to experience a silence so great that it feels like I'm dead. 

At some point during this last month, I figured out I want life. And I've not been living life for 17 years. I stopped laughing. I stopped singing. I stopped seeing the world around me. In November, the walls closed in, and I was suffocating. It made me lose myself again in the dark.

Then, someone made me laugh, genuine laughter. And a light came on.  

An Ordinary Month

Today is October 22nd, 2025. The time is 4:08 p.m. I am again dictating using the voice dictation on Windows 11. It works well, but you must be careful what you say, because it inserts every word it hears. And that may not be good in some cases. My last post mentioned my endocrinologist, then I wrote "Jesus". I didn't see Jesus. I saw Dr. Ayes, but he was Jewish. Very nice fella.

This morning I went to the lab and got the bloodwork he ordered. My iron, B12, and insulin were all normal. Nice to know. I'm waiting to see if my insurance will cover the shot he's requesting. 

Although my pain levels have decreased slightly, I have a lot of pain in my right hand, and my second finger is swollen. I can't straighten it as much as I could before I hurt it, and the pain extends all the way between my knuckles today. On Sunday, I couldn't use the first two fingers, and it hurt to move either of them. I don't think it's broken, but I think I dislocated it when I hurt it. It snapped back in and sounded like a rubber band. 

Yes, it's painful.

*******************************

Today is Friday, October 24th, 2025. I went to the Orthopedic Associates today to have my finger X-rayed to ensure I have not broken it. I have not had it broken.. I don't remember if I mentioned it in a previous post or not. Period. Last Saturday I moved a table I have in the living room. It's one of these little sea tables that you just pick up just about anywhere.. Mine came from Amazon. They don't weigh 10 pounds. Anyway, I just picked it up with one hand to move it away from the chair. And my second finger was  dislocated at the middle joint.

In case you're wondering, this is an excruciating experience. When I saw my finger was tilted to one side, I popped it back up. By the next morning, I could not use the first 2 fingers of my hand. The pain radiated from my finger. Down between the first and third fingers all the way to my wrist, and on the palm as well. It was excruciating.. I could pick nothing up. Could not make a fist. Could not brush my hair. I could not put a glove on to wash dishes. I am not blessed with a dishwasher.

This week has been unpleasant. Since the doctor pulled me off the anti-inflammatory meds, I have had all-encompassing pain throughout my body. The hand injury has made it worse because now the hand hurts and the wrist that was already hurting is worse. I would say I'm thankful it was just my right hand. I'm left handed. Since the injury to my shoulder a couple of years ago was repaired, and I had one arm for several months that was functional, I've realized that I am a lot more ambidextrous than I thought.

I digress. The trip to the ortho doctor was helpful because it let me know the finger was not broken and there didn't appear to be any damage. The doctor told me that if I did in fact dislocate it,. I probably just injured the soft tissue. He also explained to me that those with rheumatoid arthritis conditions often had weak connective tissue. He also told me it will take about three weeks to heal. I thanked him for both encouraging details.

So that's where we finish the week. I don't know about you, but it's one I'm glad to see gone. I've had miserable sleep and miserable days when I was awake. It's very hard to get comfortable in the bed when so much of your body hurts. I've had shoulder pain. I've had neck pain. My hands hurt. I wear elastic gloves at night to keep my hands from swelling, and that's probably the only thing that's kept the injured hand from swelling. During the day it swelled quite a bit, and I tried heat to help that. It didn't work, but it felt good.

I will say that the increase in Cymbalta seems to have helped some. I went back to a low dose (30mg) after I had a reaction to the higher dose (60mg). That pill was larger than the 30mg,  and two doctors said it might be the fillers used in the pill that I was reacting to. I don't know that. However, on the off chance that it was, I started taking two of the 30kg. After a week, I've had none of the side effects I experience with the larger pill. Lesson learned.

Once again, I am using the voice recognition software in Windows 11 to type this because my hand hurts. It works better than the previous version. So I will use this a lot more. I just can't type as well with these hands as I did in the past. Correcting things is not as effective as it was in the previous version. I say that because right now I'm using it in Windows Notepad. It's more like a DOS-based program that comes with your computer. And it works well in that app, except for corrections. I have to go back and manually do those. That's annoying. In the old version, I could tell it what to correct, and it would correct it. But this version seems to work more smoothly and effectively than the previous version. Corrections aside.

So, I will end this post today by saying: I'm not in as dark a place as I was last week. But it's still pretty dark. I'm tired of the pain. And it's been horrible. But don't mind me. Go out and have a good weekend.

Another Year Older

 Well, I am twenty-one days into October. My birthday is next week, on the 28th. I'll be 69 years old but feel a lot older this month. I've been in pain the whole month, all over, particularly in my hands. As a result, today I am using voice recognition on my computer to type. 

The program has come a long way since they first came out with a Windows speech recognition program. I've used that off and on for several years on my computers, but it wasn't really perfect as far as grammar and structure. The new models, which are probably based on AI, have improved significantly . 

I saw the endocrinologist today. Jesus. We agreed I should take a weight-loss shot, but not Ozempic. He gave me a name. But I don't remember what it was. His reasoning was that the pill he was going to give me would raise my blood pressure and therefore was a risk. Whereas the weight loss shot is better for my heart. Well, I can't argue with that. So we opted for the shot. The only problem is we have to find out if the insurance will pay for it..

No matter what happens, it is what it is. I will do whatever I have to do. I'm not keen on the shot because I know that losing weight is going to be disastrous at my age. As far as my looks are concerned, I get a lot of compliments about how I don't look my age. I guess in six months that will change, but if I feel better with less weight, then maybe I won't care.

Mike seems to be doing OK. He's researching the brain disease. I could not do that. I was so traumatized by the diagnosis that I kind of went into shock and could not bear to think about it. He has kind of just stepped in there and tried to discover what he can do to help himself. There's not much, and we both know that. He can't fly, and he may not be able to have surgery. Because any of those things can cause a stroke. 

Stroke is the biggest problem with Moya Moya. The lack of blood flow to the brain causes other problems. Some we've experienced as he grew up, and we didn't even know what was causing it. But other issues exist. And I know it must be frightening for him, because I'm terrified. However, it shows great courage that he can actually go out there and research the disease. If you are a person who prays., pray for Mike. And pray for his mom.

Answers on a Cup

 For over two decades, I've lived in almost constant pain. Real, I can't move pain for over 20 yrs. It went from bad to worse. And some days, I tell God how very tired of it I am. I just want it to stop.

 It doesn't, and neither do I. 

I enjoy being here, but I hate being here on days when so much fog clouds my brain that I can't think, write, or wash dishes. Days when I can't hold my hairbrush, walk without feeling like there's gravel in my feet, bend my knees, or simply sit in a chair on pelvic bones that feel like they've been hammered. And then there's the nerve damage in my arm and the carpal tunnel in both hands. 

On those days, I'm not happy. I'm not mildly annoyed either. No. I'm so angry I could punch walls or scream. One would hurt me and the other would get me arrested.  I also want that annoying person to experience what I'm feeling so I can give them the same treatment I'm getting. 

So, I'm furious on those days and avoid contact with as many as I can, even my family. Being nice is the most difficult thing in the world on those days when pain is using a stone to pound me into the ground. 

Add all that to my family that experienced their own pain. For example, Mike had a kidney stone and then a stroke. Phyllis has her foot in a boot from a near amputation, and David was laid off (he got another job). All that happened in the last 60 days. 

We all got problems, right? 

But today, the pain is less. The sun is shining. And for the moment, the world has not intruded on my psyche. So, for today, as the cup says, I'll just be happy and hope tomorrow is the same. 

What am I saying! I hope the next two hours are the same! 

May your day be pain free. However, I am available to listen if you wish to rant, cry, or whine. Because we should never walk away from someone else's pain.  

 

It's Friday!

It's Friday! What are your plans for the long weekend? Mine? Uh....

 I don't know why it matters. Every day is much the same these days. I get up, do what I can at home, go to my sister's and help her out. I go home, take my sister to her infusion or doctor appointment, and go back home and to bed so tired I can't think. 

Last night I was having dizzy spells. No idea why, but I presume it's exhaustion. Don't tell my kids, please. I need to talk to the doc because they've become common this last month, but I don't see her for several weeks.. I'm fine.

I never got around to vacuuming the floors. I'm too tired. But I washed my dishes. If I'm honest, I think the fatigue is more than just doing a lot. My hips flared up again, and walking and sitting are painful. There's not much I can do. I'm taking ibuprofen, but it's not helping. Neither is meloxicam. This morning everything hurt for about two hours, and now my hip bones are excruciating. 

Enough complaining! I need to find something for a late lunch. 

I wish you all a lovely long Labor Day Weekend. 

Everybody Oughta Go to Sunday School

 

This morning as I sat on the edge of the bed trying to get myself in a church frame of mind. My hands were hurting, and it stressed me. I was so frustrated and uncomfortable. But then I stopped and thought about all I had done in my life with these hands. I worked, made my and my children's clothes, upholstered furniture for my home, made curtains, wrote millions of words in stories, and worked to retirement using computers. Suddenly, I said, "Thank you Lord for these hands that are hurting. Thank you, that they let me work and earn a living to provide for my family." 

Yes, hours later, they still hurt, even as I type this. But I could get moving and dressed. I threw up my hair and went to church. I couldn't stand for long because of pain in my hip and feet, but after a few minutes sitting, I could stand again for a while. We have a long worship service, so standing is a thing. Oddly, my left hip joint was so painful sitting, very uncomfortable and I had to shift a lot. But standing, I felt like I had rocks in my shoes. Still, I can tell the new anti-inflammatory is working.

Church has always been a source of comfort, but in the last couple of years, less so. I want to be there, but constant, unrelieved pain takes all your energy and saps your strength. I get frustrated and depressed. Having to smile and be nice is difficult. You can't tell people you're uncomfortable and don't want to be there. No one wants to know, and most are uninterested. Oh shush, you know it's true. 

Some church people often believe that church attendance overcomes pain. It does not. God can heal. He hasn't healed me and I couldn't tell you why. I've asked, but that's above my security clearance. However, no one wants to hear that either. We don't want to face the reality that God doesn't always fix things. And telling people at church that all I want is to be home in a comfortable chair doesn't float well. Mostly, they don't know how to respond or how to make a judgement of the person feeling that way. Compassion comes to mind, but that can be equally difficult for some. 

However, my pain was better today, and I enjoyed seeing my two friends and talk with them. My friend Sandra is about to visit her home in Ghana for a bit, so I was glad to see her today. She called me when I missed a couple of Sundays. Do you know what that does for a person dealing with chronic pain when you do that? She is such a lovely person and I just love her and her family. And the Jung's are some of my favorite people. And Sister Joan, another transplant from Africa, is a bright spot with her lovely hats. I always look for her hat to see if she is there. 

Lunch was ready when I got home, more or less. Last night I made lunch for today so when I got home all I had to do was warm it up. That was a relief. Now, I've spent the afternoon just sitting here relaxing and wish I could get rid of the neck pain. Nothing much touches that but adjustments to my sleep positions and sitting positions. At it's worse, I have numbness down my left arm and into my fingers. Burns most of the time but I seem to have learned to live with it. And there are a few things I can do to make it less uncomfortable. So, I'll manage.

All in all, the day has not been a bad day. 

It's a Heatwave

 It's so hot outside that I think I could start a fire just by blowing on the wood. Mike is doing the weed trimming and at some point, I must get the grass cutting done. One ponders what one should wear into an inferno. Clothing would be incendiary, but so to is flesh. Anything heavier than a cotton sheet will be heat stroke material. 

I doubt it will be today since it just started raining. So frustrating. My mower blades need changing, but will require someone with more experience and strength than I. I've looked for someone to do such repairs, but the days of shade tree mechanics is pretty much over. Mike called around and found a place that will do it. Now I just have to get it there. 

He finished the trim work, and it rained. So, no yard cutting today. I'll have to get up early tomorrow and do it before the heat gets too bad.  

I started a new anti-inflammatory today. We'll see how it goes. They prescribed one when I started having them not to my file that I'd requested it. I would rather not take these things, but I can't keep going with this level of pain. It's so debilitating. You tire of trying to do things that hurt. 

My goal was to get back to Atlanta in July. Initially, I blocked off the first week, but they've scheduled me to see an Endocrinologist that week. I have a T4 level that is low and, although I suspect steroids caused it, I'll have to have the professional check it.

And that's it for today. I'm better, but drained all the time. Sleep doesn't help. So I just continue to do what I can, when I can. 

Another Unproductive Day - At Least I Wrote

 I sit here, wishing I could get my head clear and recover some energy. No matter how much sleep I get, it seems I’m always short. I need to do some real writing but can’t focus enough to do anything productive. I’ve been doing crochet and I enjoy it but even that is difficult. I had to rip out rows last night several times and recount stitches. I finally gave up around midnight. Frustration was high because I rarely have to rip out that much. 

Until recently, I wasn't aware that in crochet they refer to ripping out stitches as FROG. I don’t know why. When I looked it said when you rip out stitches, people think it sounds like a frog saying Ribbit. I will have to pay attention next time. To me, it sounds like wasted time. 

I’m still practicing on this iPad keyboard I bought. It works well, although a bit small. I frequently hit the wrong keys, and the backspace is difficult to reach. It’s close by, just incredibly tiny. Still, I notice I’m getting better at it. I miss my documents here. I can write but anything I’m working on is on the PC. Still would like a laptop but my money won’t go that far these days. 

What I should do is exercise. My body is going to lose any ground I made when I went to the gym regularly. I can already tell some of my strength has declined. 

I have been studying my Bible more and trying to pray more. I missed church on Sunday because I overslept. I’m so tired all the time, and that’s worrisome. I can’t shake the fatigue. Whether I sleep five hours or 10, it doesn’t seem to matter. I wake up tired. 

I’ve been drinking Tart Cherry juice for a week now. I do have less inflammation than I had a month ago, but I took steroids for three weeks. Of course, I didn’t get a tremendous amount of relief from that. I was still pretty fatigued, and I had joint swelling. Right now, I have no pain to speak of, not even the hand that usually hurts. I’d been having a lot of pain in my hand prior to this last week. Even steroids didn’t seem to help with that. The hip pain that had driven me to ask for steroids went away after I finished the steroids, but it took several days. 

I hope and pray the juice works as well as the hype says it does. So many things haven’t worked. I’ve experimented so much on myself out of desperation that I am considering adding “lab rat” to my resume. 

I believe I am done with this post now. I have done nothing, so I have nothing to write. Sarah will be home on Saturday and I’m glad. I cleaned the house on Tuesday and hurt my back and my other hip. I can't vacuum and sweep. They just kill my hips and back. Once finished, I have to rest for hours until the pain lessens and I have no energy left for the day. 

So I wish you a blessed day. Keep in touch, please. It’s a comfort to know people are out there. I don’t know why you stopped by, but I thank you. There’s less loneliness when I write. And if I see someone else was here, it lifts my spirits. So thank you.

A Little Light On the Subject

 

Today, I finally got the new solar light put on. It is on the post of my front porch facing south, which is along the front of the house. I also removed one of the older lights that doesn't work anymore and "fixed" one of the newer ones. 

I have two of these particular lights and they've been a problem staying functional. I usually turn them off and then back on and it works for a while. The nuisance is that I have to use a ladder. That requires a spotter to keep it steady.

At this point, my house has lighting on the east, south, and west. I can walk from the north east corner, along the west facing front, turn left at the south west corner and go toward the east, along the track side, then at the south east corner, turn left again and walk the entire length of the back of the house and lights will come on all the way. It's kind of nice. I'm never scared to go out by myself at night but I'm not stupid. It could be dangerous. Now, I feel better about it. And the lights cost nothing to run. I try and check them regularly by walking around the house after dark. 

 I have no light on the north end, the garage end, and it is difficult to get sun to charge a light there so solar doesn't work well. I may have to get a light that plugs in inside the garage. Not sure. I don't want to pay a bill but the garage side is a dark area at night. The south side of the house now how two solar lights that are very bright and motion detect. This was probably the darkest spot on the property because the railroad is there and a lot of trees and bushes on the siding. So, it could be a bit scary if I had to go out at night. My air condition is there and so is the breaker for it. I don't know why they put it there but they did. 

Tomorrow I'd like to get the other bird house up. I have one on the front and was going to put the other on the back but now I think I'll put them both on the front and get two more for the back. I'm trying to make my feathered friends welcome because the more birds you have around, the fewer mosquitos you have on your property. I want to put up my bat house too but haven't found a way to put it up. It needs to be high and obviously not attached to the house. And it needs to be not facing the north. I need a really tall pole. 

I've been feeling much better since I began taking the B1 supplement. If you don't know, B1 has been shown in at least 2 studies to help fibromyalgia. I decided to test it. I read the reports, bought the pills, and took the theraputic dose for two months. Virtually all my fibro symptoms stopped. Muscle pain dropped, my brain fog disappeared, and I'm not nearly as fatigued. In fact, some days I have a tremendous amount of energy. A very weird but positive side effect was all cravings for sweets disappeared. I've had that for most of my life but now, I have no trouble passing it up. There is also data for that. It actually helps your body process sugar. My doctor was so shocked she looked it up while I was sitting in her office. 

I haven't written much but I've started back at it. I've been making list. I think I mentioned this in a privious post. I have to jot down what needs doing because there is so much, I forget it before I can get to the next thing. I've become a lot more ADD than I used to be. I never thought I had ADD but now, I'm not so sure. 

So, that's Friday done. I hope that those who read my blog, enjoy it. I know it is pretty boring most of the time and others full of drama. But that's Life on the Ledge where I live. 

I hope you all have a great weekend. Be blessed and be kind. 

Songs in My Heart

 I'm not feeling well today. I hurt all over, that wonderful steamroller sensation one gets when you lie down in the road in front of one. I lay down earlier before getting a showerand examined all my pains. They are as follows:

The bottom of my feet, ankles, knees, hips, the palms of my hands, elbows, my left upper arm and shoulder (PT yesterday was extremely rough). The swollen lymph node beneath my left arm hurts and my neck skin hurts. I also have a mild headache.

My sister, Roselynn, asked if I had a fever because my face is very red. I don't run fevers but I am hot after my shower. 

While we sat and chatted, I had a memory. I do not know why, but I remembered a song my Mama used to sing. I can still hear the tune but could find no trace of it online. There are other versions, but they're not at all the same.

A Psalm of Life

BY HENRY WADSWORTH LONGFELLOW

What The Heart Of The Young Man Said To The Psalmist.

Tell me not, in mournful numbers,

   Life is but an empty dream!

For the soul is dead that slumbers,

   And things are not what they seem.

Life is real! Life is earnest!

   And the grave is not its goal;

Dust thou art, to dust returnest,

   Was not spoken of the soul.

Not enjoyment, and not sorrow,

   Is our destined end or way;

But to act, that each to-morrow

   Find us farther than to-day.

Art is long, and Time is fleeting,

   And our hearts, though stout and brave,

Still, like muffled drums, are beating

   Funeral marches to the grave.

In the world’s broad field of battle,

   In the bivouac of Life,

Be not like dumb, driven cattle!

   Be a hero in the strife!

Trust no Future, howe’er pleasant!

   Let the dead Past bury its dead!

Act,— act in the living Present!

   Heart within, and God o’erhead!

Lives of great men all remind us

   We can make our lives sublime,

And, departing, leave behind us

   Footprints on the sands of time;

Footprints, that perhaps another,

   Sailing o’er life’s solemn main,

A forlorn and shipwrecked brother,

   Seeing, shall take heart again.

Let us, then, be up and doing,

   With a heart for any fate;

Still achieving, still pursuing,

   Learn to labor and to wait.

Imagine my surprise as a teenager when I picked up a book of Longfellow's poems and found that poem in it! He became my favorite American poet, and I found many poems in the book I loved. I read a lot of classic poems as a teenager and it continued as an adult.

Mama also knew the following poem. See, in the period she grew up, education meant learning a variety of things and the educated person knew poems and pieces of classic literature, even little country girls. The following poem is one I always loved, and I too memorized it. However, today, when trying to recite it, I found I'd forgotten most of it. Mama never forgot a word of either of them. 

The Arrow and the Song

BY HENRY WADSWORTH LONGFELLOW

I shot an arrow into the air,

It fell to earth, I knew not where;

For, so swiftly it flew, the sight

Could not follow it in its flight.

I breathed a song into the air,

It fell to earth, I knew not where;

For who has sight so keen and strong,

That it can follow the flight of song?

Long, long afterward, in an oak

I found the arrow, still unbroke;

And the song, from beginning to end,

I found again in the heart of a friend.

I don't think poems today have such sentiments. People don't think of life as anything but a party until the music stops. And they don't go looking for songs in the hearts of friends.  

How Far?

Sometimes Life on the Ledge is quiet and uneventful. Other times, the ledge crumbles and you have to move back in order to keep from falling. This month, the ledge has been moving and shaking a fair bit and I'm exhausted trying to stay on my feet and far enough back to avoid a fall. 

I won't go into too much detail lest you think I need mental health care. Maybe I do. Sometimes I wonder if that would help, but I don't believe so. I remember seeing a grief counselor after Jerry died. I saw him for over a year. He was kind and talking to him helped me get rid of the toxic things; I think. When we knew our time was up, I remember one of my last visits. I told him I knew he couldn't help me, that this was something I had to do on my own. No amount of talking was going to fix it. I could have talked until I too died, but it wouldn't bring Jerry back or heal my heart. 

There's always another heartbreak, another tragedy, another grief. There is no end to them. By the time you recover, another comes round the bend. 

I often wonder how much the human psyche can endure before it cracks. Sometimes I think I'm the guinea pig for that experiment. The trek from one disaster to the next is arduous. I might get to rest between them, but not really. 

Today, I'm so tired. I don't want to go another step. I can't go back and going forward is just too much.  

Waiting for the Axe

Last week I felt my mood improving. I enjoyed getting out to cut the grass myself. Cleaning the garage gave me such a boost in morale, too, that I wanted to get back out the next day. I still have stuff to do in there, but it felt good to get rid of so much junk and I wanted to do more. The weather and my body didn't cooperate, but mentally, I was moving up.

So this week, why do I feel as if I'm waiting for some kind of explosion to happen behind me? The feeling that I'm sitting on the edge of a cliff with no safety rope or net is so profound I feel my heart racing just thinking about it. Think that is anxiety. I use all the tools I have to redirect myself, but I'm so stressed about ... nothing or at least, about something I feel coming but can't see!

Over the weekend I was in such terrible pain with my left shoulder and it has been a problem for months now. I told my doctor, and she talked about getting an MRI, but so far nothing. I'm sending a note via My Chart tonight to request they move on this. The pain is so horrible I can't use my arm when it flares up. I had the elbow surgery to help the nerve pain in my hand, but when this shoulder flares, the entire arm has nerve problems.

As usual, I made a note of the anxious feelings, so if something happens, there is a record of my premonition. I've had stuff like this all my life and it isn't funny when something happens and I couldn't prevent it. 

I drive more carefully, keep a closer check on the house, and wait for my phone to ring with bad new. I'll be elated when it doesn't happen. That rarely happens, the elation, I mean.

Today, the temperature was nearly 100°. That makes it impossible to do any outside work. I have to ration my time working in my yard because I may dig holes today and be flat of my back tomorrow. This year I wanted to plant flowers. I haven't done it for a couple of years. I wanted some tomatoes in pots but it hasn't happened. I managed to get bird feeders filled, and that has been enjoyable, particularly to the cats. They can sit for hours watching them. Well, if I didn't have to keep the curtains closed to block the heat. 

I shudder to see the next electric bill. I must remind folks that just because you went to +$15 and hour in pay, doesn't mean everyone did. Social Security folks got about $20 in cost-of-living increase. AND we pay for our medicare out of that. What, you didn't know medicare wasn't free? For many of us, there was actually no increase in income.

So, I'm done now. For the moment, I'll just sit back and see where the axe is going to fall. 

Shocking Findings

Well. The old year is gone and we have a brand, spanking new year. With brand, spanking new problems. Isn't that nice?

My car was totaled December 17. Not sure y'all knew that but if you're on Facebook, you might have read it. It is now January 26 and I still have no car and no payout from the insurance of the person who hit me. I'm so annoyed. A whole list if issues resulted from that. The claims adjuster went on Christmas vacation and left me hanging. 

Word of caution here: Auto Owners is the worst insurance agency I've ever had to deal with in an accident. I've had three accidents where the other driver totaled my car but this is the first time I've ever had nearly two months to settle. And they're not very helpful. People didn't answer the phone, didn't respond to my voice mails. Yes, I'm aware it was a holiday but has anyone ever seen an insurance agency who didn't have claims adjusters working at all hours of the day and night? Of course, it could have just been the agency I was dealing with but they've convinced me never to buy insurance with them.

I had my second round of Covid the week after Christmas. Rebecca, my ex daughter-in-law got sick first. I really think she'd have died if I hadn't got to her when I did. She could not breath. I brought her and Madilyn, who is only 6, home with me but Rebecca got so bad I had to take her to the hospital. They gave her monoclonal antibodies and that really helped get her back on her feet in a couple of days. I was not very sick at all and needed only cold medicine and acetaminophen. We both got back to business in two weeks. Madi seems to have missed the bullet.

Yesterday I had a nerve conduction test done, my third in four years. This time they sent me because I keep waking up and my hands are numb. Really numb. I can't feel them or use them. If you've never had a nerve conduction test, think Taser, on repeat. 

They take an electrode and send a shock through various muscles in the area you're having a problem with. Then, they start over with needles and jab, no really jab, those into the muscle and send the shock through the muscle while telling you to push against something, tightening the muscle so they get a reading of how well it is sending the signal. This is very uncomfortable and increases the feeling of electrocution. Yesterday, I had about 10 shocks on each arm: 5 electrode shocks and 5 needled. He hit a small vein in my hand and I bleed a bit. Took a bit for him to get it stopped. However, I say again, this is not a painful procedure. Well, not much.

The nice neurologist gave me the results immediately. In my right hand I have carpel tunnel. In my left hand, I have a pinched nerve in my elbow. He wanted to know why they operated on my neck when it was my hand that was the problem. I explained the ruptured disk and how my whole left arm had been affected. He said he didn't know how they'd missed the elbow problem. I had no answer to that since it was their doctors who checked everything but I suspect the compressed spinal cord was a bigger priority than my elbow at that time. Since I'd begun to have fainting spells, it was for me. 

So, now I have to go to my doctor and probably get sent to another, or two other doctors. No idea. Don't you love surprises?

That's about sums up my January... well, mid-December through January and since there are about four more days this month, who knows what joy awaits. 

May the Lord's face shine on you. May your road be smooth and your burdens light.

May Update

May arrived with showers instead of flowers. I hate this weather. I have nothing noteworthy to mention and to repeat a litany of my aches and pains will bore you. I'll spare you this month.

Plans for May:

•     Get back to the gym.
•     A trip to St. Louis Zoo may happen as well. Madi is coming to see me and we may run over there. 
•     Go South for a few days at least, maybe to Atlanta and then to the Gulf. 

Fingers crossed on that last one. I need some sun and some warm weather. I could also use some warm sand against my feet. 

I'm fairly disgusted with all my writing attempts. I've been unwell for most of 2020, and the start of 2021 does not bode well. I'm so tired of being sick, tired, and in pain. Bad enough to feel bad but the exhaustion that comes with autoimmune disease is simply miserable and hard to bear.

Mike has started his third week of employment with Amazon. I'm so proud of him for stepping out and doing this. If you have read this blog, you know he has some medical issues and some learning issues that make it hard for him to employ. And finding employers willing to work with his hearing problems and learning problems is very difficult. They usually just fire him rather than trying to work with his situation. This driving job seems to be designed for him. Prayers for him in this job. 

Sarah is in Ohio. I no longer get to see her unless I go there, but they have no place for us to stay and I can't afford hotel rooms. I get messages from her now and then, but that's all. I'm trying to ignore the intense pain it causes me. I thought it would be different that when she was in Arkansas, but it isn't. 

I have been doing the housework better. I found a video on YouTube that showed me an exercise for my lower back that really seems to help. It isn't a cure, but it helps lessen the pain. It also clarified for me, where the pain is located. My SI joints seem to be the problem =  sacroiliac joints.

I'm trying to watch my diet again. I lost 20 lbs last year before Covid lockdown. I gained it back plus. Going barefoot aggravated my plantar fascitis, so I now have to wear shoes constantly. But I can walk again. Another good reason to get back to the gym. 

For several months, I've been cleaning out rooms and closets, but I haven't gotten rid of nearly enough junk. I'm considering storming a room at a time and emptying it and then putting only necessary items back in it. I'll put everything in boxes and then decide what goes to charity or the dump. It would make it easier in the event I actually decide to sell the house. I keep thinking it is the best solution now. I have nothing left to hold me here.

That's May in a nutshell, I think. I am trying harder to come in and update this blog regularly. It seems I've lost my desire to write much of anything. I find life more pain than not and no one wants to be bombarded with reports of that all the time. 

If you're still a reader of this blog, thank you. And I'm sorry if you get tired of my whining. We all want to be heard, especially when we're in pain. When I look back over this blog, I see there has been a lot of pain. And loss. And I'm no hero. 

Have a good week and be blessed. While you're at it, bless someone else.

Dung On Toast

 So the cursed election is over and as usual, liberals are talking about "coming together" and "pulling together". Why? They didn't want it before. They don't care now. It makes excellent media content from a monumentally biased media to spread like dung on toast. I'm not eating it. 

These are the same morons who marched with vaginas on their heads, threatened to kill the president, held up bloody effigies of him, and burned down cities without batting an eye. The smack floating now is just more dung.

We're overrun with closet communist who aren't hiding anything from anyone with a brain. When my 14 yr old granddaughter, who never shown more than passing interest in the outcome of elections, says she's concerned about democrats winning, something is very wrong. 

But I won't bore you with my disgust with 50% of the human race. These dung producers are now in charge. Let's hope it happens quickly and they won't be too unhappy when they abolish the Bill of Rights or burn the Constitution. The ignorance of the current generation was a well-planned indoctrination of them. Russia told us in the 50s and 60s they'd do it this way. 

Mike is ill again with a cold. He sounds awful. No fevers this time. Of course, he tested negative 3 times for Covid from March through May. No point in having it checked again. He was horribly sick then and is no on inhalers from it. This past Monday, he started coughing and was not well. Thursday, I was sick with the same coughing and we both feel like trucks ran over us.

I started sweating on Sunday night. Had to shower and change clothes. I did the same on Monday. I weighed today and had lost a pound! I felt better, too. So good that I set about a gargantuan cleaning project for the den. By bed time I could hardly walk. I had a terrible night's sleep and woke up at 2 a.m. in all over pain. Went back to bed and was up a 8 a.m. I went back to bed at noon and slept till 2 p.m. I feel awful now. The rain started late this afternoon, and that's probably a factor in some of my pain. 

I have to clean and reorganize the living room this week and clean the two spare rooms for company. David and Sarah are coming next week with part of his new wife Tasha and son, Isaiah. 

I'm trying to get back on my feet with the exercise, but it hasn't gone well. I've never been so exhausted as I have been the last several months. I've worked out a couple of times a week for weeks. It won't happen this week, but I'm fine with it. I just wish I was doing as well as I was last winter. I lost nearly 20 lbs then. I've barely lost two in two months. It is so depressing. 

I'm headed to bed to see if I can get enough rest to make me feel better. I might have some real toast with butter before I go. And cinnamon/sugar!

Strange Start to My Week

 

A gloomy rainy day greeted me this morning, and I am happy with it. I love rain and when I can wake to it with no pain; it is a good day. 

I'd like to understand how I can be in so much pain one day and none the next, but I suspect those are mysteries not meant for me to know. I am sad I couldn't go to church. I felt sick all weekend. Had upset stomach Saturday night on top of back/hip pain.

I had to step into the yard to get a photo for the blog today. David's tree on the left is so tall now I can't get it all in the photos. Sarah's trees, on the right, are growing well. They are over 7 feet now. I should have cut one down as it is right against the fence post. The bushy tree in the center is a fig that has never done well. And the scraggly thing center right is a maple that came up in the fire pit area. I let it grow since my yard is so large and has so few trees. I may never see them at their full potential, but I hope to enjoy some shade from them. 

I love trees and a yard full is just so wonderful. We tried several species, but they didn't do well. We had several mimosas for years and a blight struck them and killed all of them. I was so disappointed. I love mimosa, despite their messiness. The largest shaded the patio. I had to have them removed. I discovered this blight is something that will stay in the soil and new trees would be at risk. We've never had anymore come up, but the neighboring yard has some along the fence. 

I'm about to get busy putting away laundry, I think. I need to vacuum, but I'm  nervous. I have no pain in my back or legs today, and vacuuming or sweeping could change that. I swept the kitchen, but I used extreme caution to do so. 

I shall end and wish you a happy Monday. I don't think I've written a blog without a lot of whining in a while. Perhaps I can set a trend!

Cleaning Closets & Coming to Terms

Ah, children! Fall arrived with a whisper. The days gradually cooled, and the nights became cooler. The last month I've had so much pain I hardly noticed. 

But yesterday I woke to find I had so little pain that I felt refreshed. That allowed me to get small things done. Yesterday was a good day. 

This morning, I woke hurting all over and found a light rain fell during the early morning hours, explaining why I felt so bad. It's taken hours to feel functional, but the sun is shining now, so  I'll take it. 

Mike came over to do his laundry and is napping on my sofa. I didn't realize how bad his sleep apnea was until the weekend trip to Ohio. He's worse than me, I suspect. 

I'm coping with the stresses of Sarah being gone, but it has been difficult. The house is simply hollow without her, and I have times when I hear her down the hall or I feel that I need to get her to bed. That's probably the worst.  

I'm isolated to an extreme degree. No one comes here, but Mike and I can't go very many places with my suppressed immune system while Covid is still a genuine threat. I want to go to church so bad and may try this weekend. It isn't just the virus. I have trouble sitting or standing for long periods. My back and legs are still a problem. 

I have figured out what is causing the severe leg pain. My hips and legs have hurt so bad for months now and I've tried everything to get relief. I could barely walk most days. This week, I went into commando mode. The doctors keep blowing me off, so I used one of my topical meds that I don't use often. There is risk associated with Diflonec, but my pain levels became unendurable. So, I started plastering my hip and lower back with this medicine. 

Hips are difficult to medicate this way. Unlike knees, the hips are deep in the tissues and are a socket in addition. Getting topical meds to the affected areas is nearly impossible. In the past, I found that by putting one foot on a stool, the rounded part of the hip joint is more pronounced. So, I propped my foot on the toilet and put the medicine on and all around that area on each leg. I also do the area to either side of my lower back, closest to the hip. I have been doing it three to four times a day and wearing a Diflonec patch on my back at night. The pain is better, but at some point they're going to have to look at this for a better solution. Or I'm going to be in a wheelchair in terrible pain.

I've done no writing, focusing instead on getting rid of stuff. I have to work in small time spans and focus on a specific area, but I've cleared out some drawers. I must completely gut the closet in the spare room and organize that room. As I'm cleaning things in other rooms, if there is something I need to keep it goes in the spare room. I also need some shelving in there for my sewing and crochet items. At the moment, they're all over the house and I want them centralized. 

 I'm attempting to get rid of clothes I've finally decided I'll never be able to wear again. At some point, I have to just let go, give up. Things will not change. I'm never going to be a size 14 again. I'm never going to be 25 again. I'm never going to be me again. I have to learn to live with this body, this age, and who I am now. I don't like her much but, as I always say, it is what it is.

An unexpected disappointment came up this week. I brought my family dining table home from Mikes. We put it up but must not have tightened the leg enough. I had to move it and messed up the bracket. Getting a new one has proved impossible, so my only recourse is to have a metal worker create a new one. One is $125 and 4 is $150. Since I have neither amount, it isn't happening. I have to move it back to Mike's where he'll store it for me since he has room. I so wanted it up, but perhaps it is time to give up on it. Solid oak and 32 yrs old. No one is interested in it, and I have no family left to sit around it. I think it is one of the most difficult decisions I have to make. So many memories of meals, holidays, and game nights. I can get by with a tv tray but that table. We were so happy around that table. 

I suppose I should stop now. As I read back over it, I can't find anything that could interest anyone but me. And that's doubtful, too. I never thought of my life as exciting, but there was a place, a point in time, where things happened. Fun, exciting, and frightening. Life happened and I feel as if I missed it. I remember walking down streets in Frankfurt, Germany and feeling as if I was in a dream. I was, I think. Did it really happen? 

In case you had not noticed, I'm a mess. I'm broken in some way I can't comprehend. I can see it, and feel it. I'm not sure how or exactly where. I just know I have no way to fix it. 

I hope you have a wonderful weekend. Make the most of every moment, right now, while there's time. Living life on the ledge isn't always fun, but you'll make some wonderful memories along the way. 

Gloom, Despair, and Agony on Me

Returned from a quick trip to Ohio yesterday. We left Saturday to take Sarah to her Dad. He's moved there recently and since he has primary custody now, she'll live with him. It was so difficult to leave her. It didn't help that I was very sick. I kind of lost it as I was leaving.

I've had a toothache for the last week and by Saturday night it was horrible. My jaw hurt, all my teeth hurt, and the side of my head hurt. Wearing my glasses caused pain over my ear.

Earlier in the week, about last Wednesday, I found that beneath a bridge I have on the left side the gum had swelled. It is a tight fitting bridge, and the swelling presented as small bubbles and it was so painful. I thought I had something under it, but using floss there is difficult on a good day. This wasn't a good day. I needed to call the dentist, but the entire week was one disaster after another. I'm having so much pain walking that even taking the garbage to the street is difficult. Sarah and I both had this ennui and could not accomplish a thing. We didn't even pack until the night before and the morning we left!

We did clean house and do laundry so she could carry everything she needed. Dealing with all that is always exhausting. When I got home, I realized the act of packing for a move creates its own mess. I have to sweep and clean her room, make my bed, and it seems there is stuff everywhere. I'm glad I bug bombed while I was away. That's at least one thing I don't have to worry about for 6 months.

When I arrived home, I called my dentist and saw him on Monday afternoon. They looked and gave me a Z-Pack and referred me to an endodontist. I may need 2-3 root canals and I need a crown on the opposite side. The pain is from the right side, so at this point both sides of my mouth are giving me trouble. ALL my teeth and my jaws hurt. As of this morning, there is improvement, but not a lot.

Sarah began school in Ohio yesterday. They're doing 2 weeks online with limited attendance. After that, I believe they'll be going full time. I know she dreaded it, but I hope this will be a fresh start where she gets the help she needs. The environment is clearly better than the toxic one she was in for 8 months. Her Dad is working, but he's also job hunting for something full time. There are a tremendous number of opportunities there compared to Podunk, Arkansas. 

I'm exhausted from all the stuff I'm battling. My RA hasn't been too bad but my legs, my teeth, my fatigue, and my back have ganged up on me and coupled with the stress of Sarah leaving again, well, I'm worn out.

For now, I'll leave it there. I'm still very blessed. I just wish he would bless me with less pain. Of course, it could always be worse.