Memories

 Today a memory came back I hadn't thought of much in 40 years. In fact, the event happened when I was 16, just before I turned 17. I don't think I've mentioned it but once in 53 years. 

I used to sing with three other girls in my church. One of those was the piano player. I was the oldest. I wouldn't call us great friends, but we were church friends. Meaning we got along well enough to sing together. Our church was a small town church of about 60 people and mosts of them were over 50. So our experience didn't matter, but we did all right for teenagers. We weren't the Lennon sisters. And if you don't know who that is, you can look it up. 

Vicky, our piano player, was the youngest at about 13. She played for the whole service, so she was adequate. She played by ear and was pretty good for her age. Diane and her sister, the other Vicky, were close to my age but still younger by a couple of years. Then there was me. I don't know how it started, but we were a "group" and became popular at church. Well, the older ladies loved us. 

One day in 1972 or 73, a young man showed up at our church. Johnnie was his name. He was in his early 20s, but we noticed he could sing well. And he could sing harmony. So, Johnnie began to sing with us. We liked it. We liked him. Everyone liked him. 

Look, it was a small town church with very few men at all. There were no young couples. Most of the youth came with grandparents, and there were fewer than a dozen of us. I dated the only two boys in the church. One I won't mention, he was the first. The second was Johnnie. 

Yes. He was older than me. But my mama trusted church boys. Everyone liked Johnnie, and he was faithful. So, I could go skating with him. 

Let me be clear here. At no point did I or any of the other girls think of Johnnie as anything other than a friend. He was too old for us. He wasn't very attractive. And he had poor dental hygiene. Had Johnnie attempted to kiss me, I'd have puked on him. 

We went skating on a Friday night. I rarely got to go out because, well, no boyfriend. I was a Pentecostal girl in a town of about 10,000. It wasn't likely to happen. It eventually did, but that's another story already posted here somewhere.  

But we went out. I was nervous because I didn't know why he'd asked me. I was concerned that he was thinking of me as more than a church friend. Still, we had a good time, and I was relieved when we got home.

He missed church that Sunday, but we weren't worried. The next Sunday I asked one girl if they had heard from Johnnie. One of them had, in fact, heard from him. 

Brace yourself. 

Johnnie got married the previous weekend. The same weekend he was out skating with me. 

I laughed when they told me and told them about the date. No one could believe it, but they knew me. We knew next to nothing of him. We didn't even know he had an actual girlfriend. He'd never told anyone, nor had he brought her to church. 

Why am I telling this? 

I do not know. 

Why did I remember it? I think there is a reason, but I'm not sure. Sometimes I know things, but from the back door, not the front. Meaning, I won't get it until it reveals itself as true. 

Is that mysterious enough for you?

Thought so.

At any rate, today when that memory came up, so did the word "placeholder".  I understood that. Johnnie couldn't go out with the girlfriend on Friday because they were getting married. But he had a friend he could do something with that weekend. Me. We were friends. We attended the same church and talked, and I wasn't interested in him any other way. But I became something a bit more important that weekend. A placeholder. 

And just like that, 50+ years later, I got angry about it. No one deserves that kind of treatment. Had he asked my mama if he could come over and hang out and told us why, she would have friend chicken for him. To be used for entertainment until you get what you want is not a nice thing. 

My mama liked him. Everyone liked Johnnie. Until they didn't. 

He came back to church a year later with his wife and child. I didn't speak to him. I don't know who did. 

Years later, 1980 to be exact, I met someone in N. Carolina who knew Johnnie. What are the odds? 

They were a military family from Alaska, and we were all stationed at Ft. Bragg. Her dad was a pastor in Alaska. Johnnie had been a member of the church in Alaska with his wife and kids. And Johnnie had messed up badly. Johnnie was in prison for rape. 

I was surprised. But I don't know if I should have been. I was just glad my mama was already gone and never knew. Mama would have been so disappointed. 

Today, I think I received a memory that reminds me not to assume everyone is good. My personality is such that I am open, getting closer than I should. Because of that, I can stray into areas I shouldn't and end up with bruises. 

That memory. It was painful in a way today it never was before. 

Everybody Oughta Go to Sunday School

 

This morning as I sat on the edge of the bed trying to get myself in a church frame of mind. My hands were hurting, and it stressed me. I was so frustrated and uncomfortable. But then I stopped and thought about all I had done in my life with these hands. I worked, made my and my children's clothes, upholstered furniture for my home, made curtains, wrote millions of words in stories, and worked to retirement using computers. Suddenly, I said, "Thank you Lord for these hands that are hurting. Thank you, that they let me work and earn a living to provide for my family." 

Yes, hours later, they still hurt, even as I type this. But I could get moving and dressed. I threw up my hair and went to church. I couldn't stand for long because of pain in my hip and feet, but after a few minutes sitting, I could stand again for a while. We have a long worship service, so standing is a thing. Oddly, my left hip joint was so painful sitting, very uncomfortable and I had to shift a lot. But standing, I felt like I had rocks in my shoes. Still, I can tell the new anti-inflammatory is working.

Church has always been a source of comfort, but in the last couple of years, less so. I want to be there, but constant, unrelieved pain takes all your energy and saps your strength. I get frustrated and depressed. Having to smile and be nice is difficult. You can't tell people you're uncomfortable and don't want to be there. No one wants to know, and most are uninterested. Oh shush, you know it's true. 

Some church people often believe that church attendance overcomes pain. It does not. God can heal. He hasn't healed me and I couldn't tell you why. I've asked, but that's above my security clearance. However, no one wants to hear that either. We don't want to face the reality that God doesn't always fix things. And telling people at church that all I want is to be home in a comfortable chair doesn't float well. Mostly, they don't know how to respond or how to make a judgement of the person feeling that way. Compassion comes to mind, but that can be equally difficult for some. 

However, my pain was better today, and I enjoyed seeing my two friends and talk with them. My friend Sandra is about to visit her home in Ghana for a bit, so I was glad to see her today. She called me when I missed a couple of Sundays. Do you know what that does for a person dealing with chronic pain when you do that? She is such a lovely person and I just love her and her family. And the Jung's are some of my favorite people. And Sister Joan, another transplant from Africa, is a bright spot with her lovely hats. I always look for her hat to see if she is there. 

Lunch was ready when I got home, more or less. Last night I made lunch for today so when I got home all I had to do was warm it up. That was a relief. Now, I've spent the afternoon just sitting here relaxing and wish I could get rid of the neck pain. Nothing much touches that but adjustments to my sleep positions and sitting positions. At it's worse, I have numbness down my left arm and into my fingers. Burns most of the time but I seem to have learned to live with it. And there are a few things I can do to make it less uncomfortable. So, I'll manage.

All in all, the day has not been a bad day. 

Everything is a wreck, but the weather was nice.........

We had a week of beautiful weather last week and now we're back to rain and cold. The weekend was pretty bad in the mid-west and several states had tornados and fatalities. Thankfully, my crew and I were safe. In fact, the low pressure systems that caused the weather passed north of us, so the pain I was expecting did not happen. I'm so thrilled about that. 

I could go to church this morning and stay for the whole service. Admittedly, the service was shorter than usual, but it was good. 

Tomorrow is my biannual appointment with the eye specialist. I'm required to see them twice a year because the immuno-suppressant shot I take can cause blindness. So they do retina scans to make sure there are no problems. Should they find the medication has built up in the eye, I will have to stop taking it. That wouldn't be good either. 

Tonight, I'm feeling depressed. Got some issues I'm trying to work through. Found some repairs on the house that I can't ignore this time. The car has a warning light that came on yesterday that we don't know what it means. Mike took it and ran a scan for a code, but the machine showed nothing. The car manual says the code means a powertrain issue. If you know what that is, you know it's not good news. I can't seem to cut a break. I have almost got my finances back in some order for all this to drop on me. 

So, that's the way it is, Sunday, March 16th, 2025. Thank you, Mr. Cronkite. 

A Level Field: For Now

Today was an average day. Pain levels were down, except my knees. Depression lessened. No agitation or frustration to speak of. I wasn't ecstatic, but I wasn't mad either. Like I said, an average day. 

We went to church, getting there about 15 minutes late. I don't know why; I think I was trying to get a jacket that wasn't covered in cat hair. Or maybe I took too long on my teeth. Whatever, we got there.

Service was good. Teaching/Preaching was good. Worship service was good. My neighbors were friendly, and the babies were adorable. (There are about three new babies around me.)

I tried to write the last couple of days but I keep getting so sleepy. It's very frustrating when that happens. I can't stop it or correct it because I do not know what is causing it. So, I just walk away. And lie down.

And of course, at this point in the writing, everything sucks. I don't know why that happens either. For a week, I thought it was great. Today I don't want to look at it, let alone read that drivel.  

Tonight, I watched funny videos and shared them on Facebook. I laughed so much but I feel better. 

Jet is sitting next to me on my desk, in the bed I put there for him. When he gets in it, he's much less annoying. I try to remember to pet him now and then, so he gets the attention he craves. At the moment, he's making biscuits. He only does that in this bed. Very weird.

The house is colder because I'm keeping my heat down lower. The utility bills are simply insane here and they want to increase them. I don't know how they think people will keep the power on. My utilities are now about what my house payment is. I feel for folks who are paying more for their house and have even larger bills. 

I'm getting ready to go to bed for the night. I may shut the cats out. They keep waking me up early and I'm not resting well. They seem to think they can't finish their breakfast without me in the kitchen. Jet has begun messing with my water container, which has a lid on it. He knocked over the lamp when I swatted at him about the water. It is a glass lamp, but he didn't break it. I was still angry with him because it was 7:30 and I didn't want to get up. So, I'll probably lock them out tonight. I really hate to do that to them.

Oh yeah, we had snow this weekend. I got up on Saturday morning and opened the kitchen curtains and was shocked to see several inches of snow. As of today, the snow was gone. We may get more in a few days, but for it to stick around, the ground has to freeze. 

I still haven't finished my handbag project! Will work tomorrow on it. I hope.

For now, I'll get off here and turn in for the night. I hope 

Whirlwind

Out here on the ledge, life does strange things, not always good but not always bad. What's happened since August? Things have been busy and I have had no time to post to this journal. What writing I've done has been in other areas.

I started going to church closer to home. It has been a good decision. I've been able to go more often, almost every service. The later service times gives my body time to adjust and the joints time to warm up. And although the service is longer, there is only the one and the evening isn't exhausting.

The doctor put me on Cymbalta for pain. It was immediate relief. For the last month, I've had very little pain. I am not as fatigued as I was and don't have the associated brain fog.

I've been very busy the last two weeks since my granddaughter's mother moved back to town. We're still friends, even though my son is no longer married to her and having company is actually nice. She's waiting for housing to come through and until then, I actually have someone to visit with.

Mike got second job and seems to be doing well. I'm really proud of him.

I've been reading more since I'm not a zombie. But I am off track with the writing. I'm hoping this week things will settle down and I'll be able to get back to it.

Now that I've updated, I'm going to bed.