Thursday, September 30, 2010

Writers' Asylum Inmates Plot

Well, it sounds good. The Writers' Asylum met tonight. Again we were only three. Kathy had a family emergency ... or two. Her son took a knock on the head yesterday and the guinea pig died this morning. I do not think there is a connection. Thankfully, the GP was the only fatality but they are in mourning.

We talked a bit about what we aren't doing, what we want to do and NaNo approaching.

We did a writing exercise with a "progressive story". Cassie started a story, handed it off to me. I wrote the next bit and handed it off to Doug. It was fun and interesting how a small gray mouse, wearing a straw hat with a feather and plaid suspenders and named Theodore S. Muse came to life. I asked Cassie if she has time, to transcribe the story and share it with the other members. If I can I'll share it here.

The next formal meeting is set for Thursday, October 21, at 6:30.

We also set up the 14th & 28th as online meetings for anyone who can be online.

We enjoyed our meeting a lot. Even with just three we had a good time. That progressive story was amusing and is a good way to get the synapses firing a bit. But I got to tell you, I'm really not feeling very good. I do have some kind of bug. I just feel sick constantly. I'm going to bed now and hope that in the morning I'll be better.

NaNo is coming: 32 days = 4 weeks & 4 days!

Ron's Challenge

Link Three-Minute Fiction : NPR

During our visit last night, Ron tossed me a challenge. Actually, it is the above site where there is a writing contest posted regularly. I haven't had time to do more than skim it but NPR is a reputable entity so I am posting it here for my online writing friends.

I may try this when the next round opens up. It looks fun. And who know....

Tell Me It's Friday!

Please. I am really not feeling well today. I've been sick all morning. I feel absolutely "grotty" as Jilly says. I don't know what that means but is sounds terrible. That's how I feel.

You have to understand something. I don't get "sick" when I'm sick unless I'm really very, very sick. I never throw up and if I do, get me to the hospital because I'm really ill. No, I just feel like garbage. My stomach has bothered me for days. I've had headaches, lethargy, and a general all over ache. I need to lie down... badly.

I just went to lunch with Carolyn. We went to Bob Evans and I had potato soup. They have the best potato soup in the world. Small squares of potatoes sitting in a thick cheddery soup with crumbled fried bacon and scallions on top. Mmmmm, Sabrosa!

Anyway, it was good. And I had banana bread. That's delicious, too. But I still feel lousy. I'm annoyed by it because I have writer's meeting tonight. Last thing I want is to entertain but I don't want to cancel. I've been looking forward to this for two weeks.

I may just have to leave early and try to rest for a few hours. I don't know.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

A Nice Evening to Watch the Leaves Fall

I've had a really nice evening. Ron arrived around 5:30. We decided to meet at my house rather than at a restaurant. We spent the evening, until 8:30 on the back patio talking and catching up on what is going on in our lives. We are both careful to avoid politics and religion since we are at opposite ends of the spectrum. This makes the conversation lots more fun because you can't talk about things that irritate the other person.

We came in at 8:30 because it got too cool for me. Being from Michigan, he is a bit more cold blooded. But I think it had even gotten to him. He drank a pot of coffee. He brought the coffee and we made it here. Dunkin' Donuts apparently sells ground coffee. I don't usually drink coffee at night so he had that 12 cup pot to himself. I told him he wouldn't sleep tonight. He says he has trouble sleeping anyway. With that much coffee in him, it is no wonder.

He just left about 30 minutes ago and I'm now showered and in my bed blogging before I turn out the lights. I vowed to myself to try and get in bed earlier tonight and see if I can rest. I felt sick most of the day. I still do not feel well but I did have a lovely visit with my friend.

He flattered me. I'm the only woman he likes to talk to. LOL, I don't believe it but he swore it was true. Apparently, I don't annoy him. I told him it was because I overlook the things that annoy me in him. He agreed that was probably true.

I needed the laughter. When he left he told me that we needed to talk more often. I agreed. Good friends are hard to find and when you do, you shouldn't forget to keep in touch. Having people come here to spend an evening talking and laughing does more for me than any pill. I feel better when they leave.

Tomorrow night is the writers meeting. I don't know how that will go. I hope it will be good. I'm sure it will. I like my writing friends. I'll tell you how it goes.

Now, bed. I'm tired. Stomach still doesn't feel good and I wasn't much for eating today. I had salad at McDonald's. I couldn't finish it. It just didn't taste that good to me.

Hope you all have a good evening.

Wednesday Winds Down

I'm getting ready to close shop for the evening. Twenty-five minutes to go. My friend from Michigan, Ron, is in town and is supposed to stop by to visit. We talked about going out but I asked him to come over and watch leaves fall. As long as I have coffee, he said he'd be fine with that.

I'm tired. Very tired and I just don't feel like sitting in a restaurant eating food that I don't feel like eating. I've not felt well for two or three days. Actually, last night and this morning I felt sick on my stomach. I don't know why. I thought when I got up I was going to be sick. I got better but lunch, a salad at McDonalds, was not good at all. I have no desire for supper. So, I'll fix a pot of coffee and we can sit and chat.

I do not know if I'll be back on today. Probably not. Once my guest leaves I'm going to bed.

I did hear today that my brother should be here Monday to work on the house. Hope so! I want to get it done.

Hope you all have a good evening.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

What Day Will It Be?

Will it be another Monday? Or will it take on it's own identity? I'm undecided.

At the moment, I didn't have a good morning wake up. My upper back was hurting and my knees. I'm cold and I really wanted to sleep in for about another hour. The central unit has been off since Sunday. The temp inside is 70. That has become too cool for me since Jerry died. Not sure why but I was always was cold-natured anyway and bundled up in the evenings. Seems worse now is all. I'll be breaking out the electric blanket soon I suspect. I could wrap up but the weight of the blankets hurts my knees and feet. But I do love to snuggle under lots of blankets.

I'm finishing up my breakfast while I do this post and then headed to work. It dawned on me that I have to feed my brother while he is here so I need to sit down and come up with a couple of ideas. I don't cook anymore, remember? So, I suspect I'll be cooking these casserole meals that go a long way. Must remember to invest in disposable plates, utensils and cups.

I lay in bed last night and did nothing but watch Perry Mason shows on Hulu. I still love the show. And I listened to an old Abbott and Costello radio show. They are still funny. I wonder if the ever imagined they would be funny 70 years later?

I have nothing else to say.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Things I'm Looking For

This blog started out as one thing and morphed. No idea where it is going but let's see.

I'm looking for a good sleep. I'm here, tucked up in my bed... well, on my bed. I have decided to call it quits for today. I'm glad the day is done and that I don't have to face Monday for another week.

I'm looking for a good idea to blog about. I'm not sure I have a real blog in me tonight. I need to go over and start plotting my nano idea but I am not quite ready. I usually like an idea to simmer a bit before I try and put it on the page. If it is any good it will hang around and expand. If it isn't it fades.

I also am looking at ways to generate the drive to write. Haven't found it yet. Must look under the bed.... whoa, maybe not a good idea. Never seen those before... wonder ... hmmmm.

I'm looking for a million dollars. I didn't lose it. I'm just hoping to find it.

I'm looking for other things to do after work that will take me out of this house for a short time in the evenings. I don't want to join the Y again. I don't actually like it.

I'm looking for something to make my hair grow. Since Jerry died, I've lost about 50% of my hair. What little is growing back is white. I don't mind white. It's just a lack of color, pretty much reflects my state of mind and life.

Did you know that stress and aging causes the body to produce an excess of amount hydrogen peroxide in the scalp and this in turn causes hair to turn white. It bleaches it. Stop the production of peroxide and you stop your hair turning white. Simple. I suppose I'm looking for a way to stop the HP production. At the current rate, I expect to be totally white in two years . . if I have any hair left.

I'm looking for ways to cut utility cost. I want OFF the grid! B@$#@^&! I hate Vectren.

I'm looking for way to get the repairs done very cheap.

I'm looking for a tall, dark haired man with dark blue eyes. He used to live here.

Barack Obama: the Great Unravelling of a One-Term President? - Telegraph


Finally, some optimistic news! From the foreign press, no less!

I always get annoyed by the American press. Seems they feel they MUST make our current leaders look good, even if it means covering things up or blaming the previous leaders. LOL, that is not the case in the foreign press. The delight in pointing out our warts. And we should want that in our country. Warts are contagious. They multiply exponentially.

One term? Dear God, from their lips to your ear!

You don't have to write and tell me how much you love our current president and how wonderful he is. I can read that in OUR press. Although, a 42% approval rating would indicate that our press is sadly misinformed.

What I found most telling is the comments. People are pretty much the same the world over. Spite, bitterness, racism, nationalism, ignorance of other cultures ... only the locations change. One comment makes it appear that all blacks are carrying guns and knives and involved in violence. This could not be further from the truth! There are many productive and law-abiding blacks, just as there are some whites involved in gun carrying gangs. Of course we have a growing population of illegal aliens from Mexico in gangs and with that lovely Nafta crap they just drive in on big trucks loaded with the stuff.

Ok, don't get me started on that. I'll be getting mail. Anyway, found it refreshing that someone else doesn't like our administration. All I can say is someone better come up with a super candidate soon. We may have to elect an out of work CEO. There are a lot of them since jobs went east, west, and south.

The Correct Answer

Regarding my post about the error in the article about Native American event here in my town.
Here is the original excerpt.

"We've got people on sight giving on sight demonstrations about native animals, food and gardening, spear throwing, teaching them all about the culture, first hand."

Here is the answer.

"We've got people on site giving on-site demonstrations about native animals, food and gardening, spear throwing, teaching them all about the culture, first hand."

The word sight refers to vision. the word site is a location.

Here is the link to the article if you want to read about the event. It was poorly covered as far as I'm concerned. This is an event with 10,000 in attendance in two days?

Oh My! It's Back!

Monday, I mean. I'm about to leave for work in a few minutes. Got to brush my teeth and take my medicine. Pain levels are manageable at the moment. My leg is not hurting much especially. It was acting up most of the day yesterday. I do still seem to have either a cold or allergy. Hanging on this long I'm thinking allergy but what do I know.

It is 55 degrees! I believe the sun is shinning but I got up first this morning, so he's lazy.

I hate this time of year where it gets dark earlier and stays dark longer. Daylight savings time doesn't do a think for the winter or summer. You can't make a day longer or shorter. It does it all by itself.

I'm dreading the cold months for what it will cost to stay warm. I really hate it. Someone suggested a fireplace insert. I don't have a fire place and I doubt I could do the wood chopping anymore. I did a load of that as a teenager. We had a wood stove back when I was between 11 and 15. I cut wood a lot, with an axe.

Now, I'm at the mercy of the utility company. We are higher than any place I've checked and there is no alternative. It is really horrible. And so many will have trouble keeping their power on when these bandits jack up the rates again. They do it about ever six months.

O.k. off to the mine to shovel. Please say a pray for me today. I get very depressed on Monday's. I don't know why but going to work is very difficult. Hope you all have a great Monday.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

What's Wrong with This?

Here is a quote from an article from my local t.v. station. There is something wrong with it. Post your answers below.

Educational Program Assistant Corbe Ashby says, "We've got people on sight giving on sight demonstrations about native animals, food and gardening, spear throwing, teaching them all about the culture, first hand."

Excitement Builds

   NaNoWriMo is coming! Five weeks and one day or 36 days. Already I'm getting the emails in my inbox. The excitement will only build from here. And wonder of wonders, I have an idea already! I dreamed it last night. Well, I dreamed and when I woke up I knew it would make a great plot for NaNo. I'm going to do some serious plotting in October, I hope, I hope. Already I have some idea to do an outline in my yWriter.

So, you NaNoWriMo friends, start your engines! Pick up your pens, laptops, or get thee to a terminal. It's coming.

(I wanted to use the Jaws sound track here but don't think I can from email postings.)

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Liberating the Trash

I can't believe how much junk we accumulate and how many tools! I mean, I must have found a few dozen drill bits. I think what would happen is he'd buy them and once used he'd lie them down in a box and then couldn't find them in that mess out there. He'd buy another set. I found a brand new set, unopened! But where's my drill? I think Dave may have it. I hope so.

We hauled out several items that were remodel related but that I do not think will be usable. And I really just want the mess gone. I still have some wood in the back but I'm waiting because if scraps are needed there are there. There is also some molding that we used in the den for the trim and I will need matching stuff to finish it. But the rest? We'll see but I suspect in the spring I'll finally be shut of it all.

Mike took the new weed trimmer, which is not a very good one to me, and did some of the trim around the yard. And he hauled the old fence poles from the top of the old chain link fence to the street. A guy just stopped and said he wanted them. Fine by me. One man's junk...

O.k, got to go give the boy a haircut. He's been patient and long suffering... for a while to hear him moan about it. I may be back later.

It feels good to throw things away. I'm not sure why.

Beautiful Saturday

I'm on my way out to have lunch with Mike. I just finished doing two months of bank statements. Thank goodness I'm so anal about keeping track of my spending. I'd have probably been in a mess. LOL, but I only had a few items I had failed to enter. The fudge from my disastrous attempt at a solo holiday. A couple of small payments I'd made via phone also were missing. I hate doing those kind of payments for that reason. If I'm not where I can make a not and put it on the desk, I forget it.

Anyway, Mike and I are headed out and he will come help me clear the garage again. I hope to get a lot of stuff disposed of this weekend. I'm going to get rid of stuff in the house too, I think. I have tons of books I think I probably should get rid of. I never touch them anymore and they are just taking up space. That's foolish but it is very hard for me to get rid of books.

The day seem lovely and at noon it is 73F. That's awesome! Back later to fill you in.

Friday, September 24, 2010

The Knobe Effect | Futility Closet


People vote based on such skewed logic.

When Garden Gnomes Attack


I'm probably going to look for this. Be sure and view the video on this page. LOL!

Einstein's theory of relativity works on a human scale: the higher you are, the faster you age - Telegraph


I'm fascinated by such stories. Perhaps this is why those beach bums seem eternally young?

It Friday in the state of Indiana!

I'm glad. As a result, I woke less dreadful. LOL, that is a state worse than depression.

Please pray for Sarah. I got a call last night she'd had to go to the hospital. She is in Kentucky with her mother visiting relatives. My caller was her other grandfather. He said she has a blockage in her intestines. I'm hoping he meant she was impacted. Dave called me later and repeated his words and said she had a UTI. I haven't talked to Becca so have no idea if that is correct. They gave her mother a scrip for antibiotics for the UTI and told her to give her apple juice for the other. So that sounds like constipation.

Anyway, pray for her please. You all know I worry myself sick over her.

I'm stiff this morning and achy. I had a headache all afternoon yesterday and last night. Went right to sleep when I turned the lights out at about 10:45 so I should be rested.I'm not exhausted but one never knows. Just have a pain in my neck, knees hurt a bit, hip is painful. My feet bothered me a bit when I got up but are a bit better. My lower back is just awful. I know it is from sitting all afternoon in that training but I can't help it.

No, I'm off to the mines to dig the endless hole from which there are no gold nuggets or diamonds.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Kopi Returns!

To my NaNo friends of the Smoking Pen forum: Kopi popped in and is alive, although not exactly well. But she's back!

Writing for Dollars

I actually have a book called that. They made about $15 off me.

For my writing friends.. a friend sent me this link. I share it freely. Go ye and do likewise.

Newsweek - Who Needs a Publisher

Incidentially, the guy who was selling 4000 of his books a month? If he was charging $2.99 each he was making $11,960 a month!

Let's get writing, ladies!

MIddle of . . . .

That implies that something is halfway. That's be a nice thought if the something is unpleasant. My faith is strained these days and so I doubt that anything is at the halfway point. And some things you would probably not want to be halfway done.

I got up when the clock went off at 6:30. Back hurts but not miserably so. Knees are minor. Neck... maybe that's minor, too.

I've discovered several seeming truths. Everything hurts all the time at varying degrees. Also, sometimes pain in my heart and mind hurt far worse than any physical pain I could have. There is a correlation between that pain and the other pain and sleep. This is a thing I can't fix apparently.

I am trying to get my sleep back on track because for some reason it got out of sync again. I don't know how. Probably didn't sleep well at some point and I didn't realize it for what it was and let it go too long. Could have been when I was having the panic attacks and had several sleepless nights. Months ago I was doing pretty good and felt fairly well most days, with bouts of severe pain.

I think, and think is the operative word here, I think my brother(s) is(are) coming up to remodel my bathroom. He does brilliant work. And I could pay him to do it and I don't think he'd charge me what these yahoos are wanting for it. If I can cut corners somewhere and still get the quality material and workmanship that'd be really good. My brother, the second boy, is a brilliant builder. His work is beautiful. I've never been able to get him to come up but it is a long way. So, pray about this for me.

It is a gloomy day. I see sunlight but not very bright. It is getting up later than I am these days. And going to bed earlier. Winter is crouching at the door. I dread the utility bills. They are already raised again. I do not see how this company can do this every six months. People will be homeless because of it. It is simply criminal. My bill this past month was $160. I'm not home 8 hrs a day. I keep the temp when I am home on 76-77. It is on 80 when I'm not here. No light run but those in my room. I don't watch television except on the computer. I take one bath a day of about 15 minutes. I don't cook.

I'm going now to get breakfast and go to work. Today is move briefing and thankfully, I don't have to do it. Someone else is but I have to set up the equipment. Overhead projector, computer, and screen.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Midday Mood Meter

I started this in the middle of the day and have taken most of the afternoon, during breaks, to finish it. Can't say it is worth reading.

Had Chinese for lunch with Carolyn. We go to lunch practically everyday. We seldom go with anyone else. Are we snobs? I don't think so. It just played out this way over time. We're both the outspoken, "it is what it is" types. And we don't actually like a lot of drama in our work. So, we tend to do lunch.

Also, she lost her 30 yr old son in September '08 and Jerry died in January '09 so we've been company for one another during a difficult time. But we were friends before that.

I'm back at work now and wishing I could go home. I have problems coming out my ears and I don't want to deal with them. I've been reading the news about the "economic recovery" and how most of the people having problems with employment are the 50+ group. Sounds suspiciously like age discrimination to me. We're the most reliable when it comes to attendance and loyalty to the job and we're stable. But we're not employable? I hope they all know that everyone becomes 50 at some point? Needless to say, I'm not encouraged by this news. And it only breeds fear in an already fearful time. The economy is not better unless you're the president and congress and living on the high side of life. Those in the trenches are scratching and clawing to make it through the next utility bill.
My utility bill was ridiculous. I'm not even home during the day and it wasn't appreciably lower than if I had been home. That's nuts. I shudder to think of winter.

I just wish money didn't matter so much. I was reading about Cuba this weekend and how broken their communist system is.They're trying new methods, still communist in nature but more along the lines of everyone trying to find ways to support themselves. It was laughable... raise rabbits to support your family. They want the benefits of capitalism without the freedom that requires.
Communism didn't work but I have news for them. I suspect they've waited too late to come out into the market place. The arena for jobs and economic growth has moved out of this hemisphere.

I don't actually have anything to say and no news. I'm so bored with my life that it isn't even funny. Work, go home, shower, go to bed, try to read, try to write, watch t.v. go to sleep, get up and start over. No interaction with another human being. No companionable conversation, no shared jokes, no shared woes. I like solitude. I don't like isolation. There is nothing to do, no place I want to go. This is not life. I've said that before. It is not living. It is existence at the basic level.

There are not many days I can point to where I've been happy for a very long time and it is depressing when I think about how utterly miserable I sound on the blog. I don't WANT to sound this way. I don't want to BE this way. I can't for the life of me figure out how not to. I was thinking the other day that I should not post this stuff anymore but I'd be posting precious little if I stop! And sometimes it helps me to step back and look at it. Other times, I shake my head in annoyance at my own posts.

I feel as if I'm lost. I keep wandering down these corridors, checking doors and windows, only to find brick walls behind them. I back track and take the other hall only to find another dead end. I simply can't get out. It is frightening and frustrating all at the same time. Will I ever get out? Is there a way out? Sometimes I'd just like to sit down and not get up. I get tired of searching for something that probably doesn't exist. A door to the outside world. Sunlight.

Hopelessness. That's the word. Living without hope. But I must have some or I wouldn't keep shuffling along these hallways looking for a door. Maybe that's desperation. Feels like it.

It Is Only Tuesday!

Woke to terrible pain in my hips, both but mainly the right. Bursitis is really not getting better and I will need that shot. Means missing work.

Fibro is hanging around in the wings, not too bad but not gone. I'm finding that shoulder is probably a combo of Fibro and arthritis. Medicine applied to it helps overall pain in it a lot but when touched it still hurts. So, combo. I would like fries with that.

Overwhelming sadness when I got up. But then, I wasn't great after the lights went out. My grandmother said if you go to bed laughing, you will wake up crying. Well, I felt better when I got in bed but I certainly wasn't laughing when the lights went out. So, another cliche shot. What happens when you cry every night? Are you supposed to wake every morning laughing?

It is only Tuesday.

Monday, September 20, 2010

Afternoon Pickup

My friend and co-worker, Carolyn and I went to McDonald's for our break and had a sundae. We do this frequently during the week when things are getting stressful or we just want to get out of the building.

I am looking at 1 hr and 15 minutes till I can go home. I am going to have Mike come over and take some things to the street to dispose of them. I really want to just get ride of all the stuff in the garage I'm never going to use or need. So, since trash pick up is on the 27th, I am piling it on the street.

Doug emailed me. He is missing the writing group, too, and asked if we could meet next Thursday. He said even if the rest of the group didn't want to, he'd like to meet. I told him to go for it, that I'd be there. We are both annoyed at the way the rest of them have just sort of gone silent on the subject. No one is willing to work around any schedule but their own. I know we are all busy but several of us changed our schedules in the beginning to accommodate the schedules of member spouses. Now members want the same courtesy and it is a problem. I missed months of an exercise class I was paying for to accommodate someone a spouse twice a month so he could play poker on our original meeting night. I finally dropped that class when they wouldn't change the meeting to another night. But I'm not going to be so flexible anymore. I'm one of those people who thinks you should have a day and stick to it. Schedule it on your calendar and if you can't make it now and then, just say so.

So, if all goes well, Doug and I and hopefully, some of the others will meet next Thursday. I really need that kind of fellowship. Doug mentioned looking for new members and I'm all for that as well. I'll do what I did before. Just pray for some nice, like minded folks. I do feel that the five of us were brought together and I still like them. Just annoys me when people become inconsiderate.

Ok, nuff of that peevish rant. I've got to get back to work. Still "miles to go".

The Down Side

I'm tired. There are no words to adequately express it so I'll just say I'm tired. I feel as if I could just lie down forever and not move. I lay on the sofa from around 10 a.m. until I went to bed at around 6 p.m yesterday. Then, lay on the bed until nearly 11. All I did was watch t.v. on the computer. Nothing more, nothing less. I didn't nap because what I felt was not sleepiness. I was simply exhausted, too tired to sleep. And the emotional roller coaster simply made it worse.

Mentally, I'm somewhat functional but if opportunity arose, I might be able to nap today. But alas, one must continue shoveling in the mine. My pain is relative. I had back pain when I woke. Muscle pain, too. But they pale in comparison to the tiredness. I was late getting up this morning, too. I simply shut off the clock and didn't realize it for  45 minutes.

I promised myself I was going to try and stop focusing on all the negative stuff. I want out of the cursed tomb I seem to be trapped in. I keep digging but it seems as if I'm simply making it deeper and the weight is getting heavier. If I'm not able to even go away for a weekend without becoming a mass of used up flesh, I don't know how I'll manage. I can't be sick even one day for the rest of the year. Not one. I have nothing to use and I really don't want to spend my vacation time on this. I have three vacation days off in December. There are three freebies in November and three freebies in December. October 28 is my birthday and I get that off and I'm taking one day on the 29 because I'm keeping Sarah that weekend and having my aunt and uncle here for my birthday and my sister, Phyllis' birthday. They are a week apart and they always celebrate with us. So, sickness is not an option.

I really would like to have days where I wake feeling good again. Or at least no in so much pain or so tired. To wake up and have a day where I can do something that is productive. To be able to go places and laugh and go home with a good feeling about it. I can remember that. It was a long time ago but I do remember it.

Sunday, September 19, 2010


I returned home this morning around 10 a.m.

Saturday morning we had breakfast at the La Quinta Inn on Preston Bridge Hwy, in Louisville. I highly recommend this hotel if you are in the area. It was spotlessly clean, the rooms were beautiful and spacious, and the staff were just so friendly. If I have to go back over there, that's where I'll stay. They serve a buffet breakfast with things like eggs, biscuit and sausage gravy, juice, coffee, you can make Belgian waffles in about 2 minutes, fruit, pastries, milk, cereal. Really a nice set up.

We sat around in the morning sitting by the pool just reading, chatting and relaxing. It was cool so I didn't go in but just enjoyed the sunshine. The day was beautiful. We went to lunch at Chilli's where I had Chicken Crispers with french fries and corn on the cob. I've had this here in Evansville at Chilli's so I knew it was good. I followed that with the chocolate brownie topped with vanilla ice cream and chocolate sauce. Yummy. I was stuffed.

We went back to the hotel and they rested. I went down to the pool with my book. I swam a few laps, read a bit and warmed up, swam again, read some more, swam again and read some more. At four I went upstairs to dry my hair and get ready for the concert at 6. We left at 5 on a shuttle the hotel provides.

I spent the next six hours sitting and listening to quartets sing.  The music was very good but sitting so long was not very fun. I did get up a few times and go out so that helped. Unfortunately, there were many moment when I was miserable. I didn't expect that. Several groups sang songs that Jerry, my sister Phyllis, and I used to sing together. No, we weren't professionals. I sang in church growing up. When I married, Jerry sang with me. Then my sister moved close by and she joined us. People liked it and would ask us to sing. I don't think I was that good but they were both very good singers. Jerry was a tenor and Phyllis an alto who could also sing harmony. I tend to be a soprano but not the upper soprano. I have a mediocre voice but I love to sing. They made me sound better. Although, there are people who still ask me to sing. So, it must not be terrible.

Anyway, I was stressed the first two hours. Jerry and I had gone to this convention once, seven years ago. We were given the tickets because my aunt and uncle couldn't go and had already paid for them. We spent the weekend in Louisville and we really enjoyed it. That weekend kept roaring through my head. Once I saw a man standing in shadow several sections away. I had to look again because the stance was familiar. It was distressing. I was exhausted by the time it was over. We caught the shuttle back and were at the hotel by 11 I think. It was only about a 15 minute ride from our hotel to the convention center.

It is apparent that everything I do and every place I go is going to be unpleasant if it is something we did together or something I know he would have loved to do. I keep saying it will get better but I can't figure out how. I can't stop thinking about it. I can't shut off the memories once they start. I am at a point I don't really want to go anywhere and leaving on any trip is horrible. I got off Friday and once home I didn't want to leave. It was terrible trying to get out of the house and into the car on on the road. I cried for the first 50 miles. Struggled to stay focused the next 50 and thankfully that is the length of the trip.

I did enjoy visiting with my family. They are always fun to be around. I had a ot of back and hip pain too but the actually swimming helped the back. I can see I'm not much good for anything but sitting in the sun, reading, swimming and talking. Today, I'm exhausted but the fibro does that to me anyway. I've spent a lot of effort to maintain a facade and it takes a toll. By midnight last night, it was cracking. 

Friday, September 17, 2010


I made it to the hotel in Louisville without any problems around 5:30 p.m. eastern time. The new tires are awesome. What a smooth ride! No bouncing and vibration due to separated belts. If you have never had separated belts, you won't know what I mean.

As you can see we have internet. Not wifi but I happened to have a cable in my bag. They would have given us one to use but why bother going down stairs when I travel with one.

We went to Steak & Shake for supper and came back to the hotel. Spent most of the evening chatting, reading, watching t.v. and playing with the computers. All three of us are tired but their ride was far longer than my two hours. It took them around 6 or 7. So they are exhausted. Already asleep, too.

So, they've has turned in and I'm on my way. Just wanted update you all. Tomorrow, not sure what is in store. Be nice to hit the pool for an hour or so. I may get up and do that after breakfast. It opens at 10. Have a good Saturday.

As the governor of California once said, I'll be back.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

A Good Sleep and A Sad Story

I'm so much better today. Still think I have the cold but I am feeling a lot more rested! I went straight home from work and took a hot shower, dressed in my pj's and went to bed. Not sleep, bed. I lay and read for a short time. I had Dave come over and take my car to have a low tire aired. They visited for a short time and Becca put that medicine on my back and trimmed an inch off my hair. I have no idea why I wanted her to do it but I've lost so much hair it is becoming very difficult to do anything with it. I think the medicine has helped some of the back pain. But my neck... I don't know if there is much hope for that.

After they left, I went straight back to bed. I made two videos playing with my webcam. It does a lot of stuff. I went to the software website and found some additional things to download and messed around with those. That gave me a bit of a lift to my mood. Then I watched a show on Hulu called Wire in the Blood. Another British television show that I really like but it is a bit to violent at times. I love the Tony Hill character. He's just really brilliant. One that show was over, I put out the light and went to sleep. I had taken my medicine while I was watching the show so by the time it was over I was sleepier. I'm going to try again to take it around 8 and go to bed earlier. This morning when the clock woke me I knew I probably needed a couple more hours sleep but work was imminent.

One thing I've figured out is that if I don't wake up on my own, I've not had enough sleep. Remember the weeks and weeks I was waking up at five and six in the morning? I was rested and going to bed at a civilized hour. I just needed to shift that time a bit but hadn't figured that out. You would think by this age I'd know how to sleep, when to sleep, and how much to sleep. I feel like I'm in a foreign country. But I've had sleep problems so long it has never occurred to me I could fix it in any way. I've tried everything. Only now am I learning what works. I take the melatonin faithfully. How am I going to get that into the country if I go to England? LOL, Jilly said you can't get it there or was it controlled? I may have to get a script for it. But it works for me really well. That and the skelaxin muscle relaxant help me sleep. I just have to GO TO BED!

I saw that Jilly did a video this morning. I love it when she does them. I like listening to her chat and watching her laugh at herself. I always leave smiling. I think it is a great thing when people walk away smiling.

As I mentioned before, I'm so tired of living in the dark. I know that the only way to do that is change the way I look at things.

Today I was remembering a woman I once knew. She was a good friend of my mother and her mother had been a dear friend of my grandmother and a member of our church. She was a party girl. I mean the kind who dances on the tables at the bar while blind drunk and a different man a week. Brenda was a mess. In her forties, she met a man, Nathan, at a rodeo, a really good Christian man. They married and she cleaned up to the point you would not have recognized her had you been a bar buddy. She became such a wonderful person, with this positive outlook and astounding faith. Her whole life simply flipped on its head. She stopped the bars and drinking and men. Nathan became a dad to her little girl. They went around doing all kinds of really good things for people, they bought land near her mother, farmed, built a house, became the finest people in the church. They had fall festivals with hay rides and a party for the church every year. Everyone loved them. She was one of the happiest women I've ever known. I was amazed at how her life had turned around. They had maybe 10 years together.

We were in the military and stationed somewhere when I got a call that Nathan was dead. A couple in the church that they had befriended had bought a trailer. Nathan was under it, leveling it. The trailer fell on him, killing him. Brenda and their friend had to dig him out. I visited her shortly after the funeral. She was struggling to hang on and stay positive, to keep her faith. I told a lady in the church that I was worried about her. Remember this woman is my mother's age but I just adored her and knew her fairly well. She was trying too hard to be positive rather than grieve. I left feeling so sad for her and very worried. I returned home.

Later I was told she had stopped going to church. She moved away from the farm and no one knew where she was. Then, a few years later, while at another duty station, I got another call. Brenda was dead. She had moved in with a guy who was abusive. He blew her brains out. The coroner reported that she was so drunk she wouldn't have known what planet she was on. I was so devastated. She had lived her life in such a mess and had changed it completely to become the lovely woman with such joy and energy. Nathan had saved her. Had given her hope. She had placed all her faith in Nathan. And when he was taken, she had nothing to stand on, nothing to prop her up. She lost the home they built. She lost her faith. She lost her life. I remember thinking back then that she had put her faith in the wrong thing. She confused love and gratitude for faith. They aren't the same. When the supports were removed, she fell.

Today, I understand Brenda even more. I realized some time ago that I had leaned on Jerry in similar ways. My life was not the mess Brenda's had been so my rescue was not as profound. But I had a man very like Nathan. In the last year, I've realized how very much is missing and standing on my own feet is nearly impossible. I relied heavily on him, even when I was doing more and more, he was still the support I leaned on. When things got bad, he was still there. Around the end of this last year I had an experience that showed me why some women do stupid things during grief. I understand now why what happened to Brenda can happen to any woman suffering the loss of their spouse. Why misplaced faith is a futile effort.

I get angry at times for what I've lost. For not seeing my mistakes. For not being a better wife, mother, human being. I have to look in the mirror and see myself and I have to face who I am. I suspect when Brenda looked in the mirror she couldn't face herself. She lost herself. She walked away from everything Nathan had given her. She had a home that was paid for, a church family who adored her, a daughter who needed her, a mother who was dying that had asked for prayer over and over and over.  She saw none of that. She has so wrapped herself in another person that she ceased to exist and all she believed in was that person. He became her god.

Faith was not meant to be put in people. If you live for another person, you will either fail them or they will fail you...perhaps not intentionally. One of you will not be here forever. I grieve for Brenda even now. I grieve two wonderful lives lost but most of all, I grieve because Brenda lost far more than her life. And I understand how it happened. I could so easily allow the depression to overwhelm me, the panic attacks to destroy what little life I have left. I could get several drugs to numb my pain, dull my senses, sedate my mind. I could stop going to church and stop praying because there are days I haven't been able to see or hear or feel God or that he cares.

Or I can keep going. I can continually reestablish my faith in the God of my grandmother, not looking to man or woman to complete me and give me strength or make me happy. He hasn't left me during all of the darkness. There were many dark nights when I felt as if I were in that grave with Jerry but I always felt a presence, as if someone were holding my hand. That has never left me. Most of the time, I feel I do not deserve that presence. But I choose to hang on for dear life to that hand.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

How Tired Can You Get?

I'm not sure I have an answer to that but I'd say at this point, pretty tired. I feel as if I'll fall over any minute. I still have two hours to go. I'm going to have to go home and go straight to bed and I hate that. I like to relax a bit in the evenings when I get home but tonight, I'm headed for the sack. I just hope I can sleep.

I'm totally out of sick time so I can't miss a day or I'll eat up vacation days. From now to January I don't want to be sick anymore. I would have 45 hours of sick time by Dec. 31 if I don't have to be out for any reason. {sigh}

Ugh, Bug

I'm decidedly under the weather. I think I have a cold and I'm terribly depressed on top of it. I had lots of pain yesterday and that is better today. I called Dave and Becca over for pizza last night, although I was exhausted. I needed the company.

As you recall Sunday night I'd had that near panic event, sounds much less violent than attack, and was up until nearly 3 a.m. and my pain was pretty bad the next morning when I got up. I stayed home but my doctor's office was closed yesterday so I didn't get a shot. I didn't go to bed as early as I should have last night but I was truly feeling miserable by bedtime. I was so tired I could not relax. And my neck is really hurting. Pain in other places is less this morning but I had Becca put some of the medicine I have for joint pain on my back, along my spine, to see if it helped. I think it did with some of it. I do have a headache now and feel very tired but I actually think I have a cold. My nose has been stuffy for days.

I'm really rather tired of all these aches and pains. And I'm tired of the blue feeling that is constantly with me. I don't think this is depression exactly but maybe it is. I am in the midst of a foggy period but I again think this is a sleep issue. I am sorely overdue for a real vacation where I leave my troubles behind. And I don't have my car die.

I am going out of town on Friday to spend the weekend in Louisville with my aunt and uncle who are attending a quartet convention. It is a short drive so it won't be too tiring and maybe the weather will be perfect so I can find a nice place to sit in the sun. I noticed since the weather and mosquitoes have been so crappy and kept me inside that I don't feel as well. Maybe I should spend the money on one of those mood lights. The evenings have been pleasant but the mosquitoes are absolutely horrendous if you go outside. I don't know what to do but they are bad.

Work is no so backlogged so I'm not buried at the moment and that's good. I just hate getting some things I processed back so frequently. I'm making far too many mistakes. And I thought I was checking carefully.

Must go now and get to working the mine. I hope you day is off to a better start than mine. There is a Midwest Writer's meeting tonight but I don't know if I'll go or not. I'm longing for bed time.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Typical Monday Following A Lovely Weekend

For me anyway. I had a mild panic attack last night and had to call Becca at midnight to talk to me. I listened to her until 3 a.m. I'm exhausted but the attack passed off for the most part. LOL, yes, she can talk that much and I don't know what I'd do without her. I want to smack her sometimes but she's a good daughter despite that. I love her.

I woke with pain in my neck, back, hip and knees! The hip is bursitis. I felt like an old lady. But I actually had a fairly good weekend despite knees that hated me. Sarah came on Friday night and I took her home after church last night. She was just a doll baby and we had the most fun all weekend. I was exhausted but had one of the happiest weekends in a while. I had one moment where I broke down. I was cleaning and picked up our family Bible and sat down to see what I had entered in it. I found Jerry's baptismal certificate where he was baptized when he came back from Italy. Sarah wanted to know what was wrong but I tried to refocus on something else... cleaning proceeded.

Sarah had no problem until bedtime Friday and Saturday night. Then, she whimpered a short time. She is a TERRIBLE sleeper. That child is all over the place. So my sleep probably wasn't the best. She's afraid of the dark and I have to leave a light on in the next room, too. But it worked itself out and I was so thrilled she stayed I didn't care about the light... or the small foot that seemed to find my ribs no matter which way I turned.

On Saturday night, her mother stopped by with clothes for her for church Sunday morning. Sarah acted as if she had not seen them in years but when offered the chance to go home she declined. However, at bedtime, you would not believe the garbage she came up with. She sobbed huge sobs with tears. "I miss my mama. I never get to spend any time with her. I love her so much. I didn't even get to kiss her or give her a hug." All of which was a blatant lie. I watched amazed and she did this for several minutes until I said, "You need to stop that crap, that's a bunch of garbage." The little stink started giggling and laughing so hard! I couldn't believe it. Then, she started it again, sobbing and with tears. I told her again it was garbage and to stop and she giggled again. We did this for about three times before she just stopped and settled down. What a drama queen! We have to nip that in the bud!

We had a grand time all weekend. We watched movies, played with the doll house, read stories, and went shopping. I bought her a memory game which she loved. So we are now getting to the game phase. I'm glad. Getting down to play dolls is hard work for those knees.

I am home today because I couldn't hardly walk and the panic attack left me emotionally wobbly. I'm going to call my doctor to see about a shot for my hip. I don't think they can do more for my joints than they are doing so I'll have to deal with that differently.

I hope you all have a great start to the week. I hope that I can have more weekends like this with less stress. I'm really tired of living in the dark all the time. I would like for life to be a little fun again. We did have some good times. I just keep missing them so much and I don't have any way to fix it. I'm still planning to take my vacation next year to see my friends in England. And I probably ought to start thinking about when and how long. I'm saving vacations days as much as I can. It will break my bank probably but this is something I am doing for me and maybe a little for Jerry. He would have loved to go with me.

I haven't been able to be outside much these last few weeks because the "mossie's" as Jilly refers to them have been horrendous. I came in one afternoon, after standing in the yard talking to someone for about 30 minutes, with dozens of bites. I counted over 25. I didn't realize I was getting bitten! I was scared to death I'd have a reaction to them like Jilly had or worse. We have had some cases in the past of West Nile virus here. I get terrified of the bites when I hear that.

So, I'm going now to call the doctor about the shot. I hate the shot. It hurts like the dickens but if it works, it will help me. Or I may call the pain management doctor. I've also had sciatica in my back for a couple of weeks. It is unusual because it is on the right side rather than the left but I think I'm walking out of alignment because of the hip pain and that is aggravating other things. Oh well, I had so much good over the weekend, I'm not going to allow other things to take that away.

All of you, again, have a great week!

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Taking a Stand for Stupidity?


Once more a so called Christian makes a stand for stupidity.

I respect his right to free speech. He can burn anything he wants, even the American flag, which would truly tic me off. But he could still do it.

However, if he doesn't believe in the Koran why would he even bother to waste a match? Never mind the harm he is doing to the environment with the smoke.

I'm at a loss as to what his point is since up to now, I've not seen any reference to one except he believes Islam is of the devil. Since I'm not on speaking terms with that particular entity, I can't say. I am on speaking terms with Jesus... y'all laugh if you want. You aren't laughing at this guy.

Jesus said,
Mat 5:7 Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy.
Mat 5:9 Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God.
Mat 5:38 Ye have heard that it hath been said, An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth:
Mat 5:39 But I say unto you, That ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also.
Mat 5:40 And if any man will sue thee at the law, and take away thy coat, let him have thy cloke also.
Mat 5:41 And whosoever shall compel thee to go a mile, go with him twain.
Mat 5:42 Give to him that asketh thee, and from him that would borrow of thee turn not thou away.
Mat 5:44 But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;
Mat 5:45 That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust.

I could go on but this is pretty apt. This man has broken every single one of these instructions, in fact, I seriously doubt he read this part at all. Do we stone him?

As for the White House and our elected officials trying to stop him? Well, folks, either we believe we have a right to express our opinions in this country or we don't. We can't have it both ways. Dumb as dirt this guy may be but with our politicians he's in good company. Free speech isn't selective.

We're in a quandary, at a cross roads. Either we support the right of every human being to say what they believe or we don't. There is no picking and choosing who is allowed to speak. And burning a book is not equal to chopping off heads. The Nazi's burned books all the time but it is the gas chambers they are remembered for.

If this were a Bible, would we still be up in arms? If it were the American flag would it received such media coverage? Would anyone say a word about someone burning the American Constitution? The Declaration of Independence? I seriously doubt any of these would garner more than a spot on the ten o'clock news and two inches under the fold. But burning a book that you say is evil is kind of like setting fire to Jack Daniels for the same reason. My grandmother didn't believe in alcoholism. She said no one made them turn that bottle up. It was a choice. Drunks kill people, too.

I figure that's pretty much what the Koran is. You swallow it or not. And like it or not, some Muslims kill people for no reason other than we don't believe in their religion. Americans just say it louder. But burning it won't make much different and may actually defeat your purpose. Most banned books are read by people wanting to see what all the fuss is about. Salmon Rushdie made a killing after the Ayatollah put a contract out on his life. This rube in Florida is just furthering the cause. Too bad Mohamed is dead, he could retire to the Palm Springs.

Stupidity reigns.

Incidentially, I am a Christian. I do not support stupidity in any form.

Sleep Shortage

I needed more sleep this morning but I managed to crawl out at 7 a.m. I am ready for work now and will leave shortly. I have appointments until noon.

I think I have a cold. That is the only thing I can think of that makes me feel so rotten with out any major symptoms but a runny nose, headache, and tiredness. Or a sinus problem. Anyway, I need to sleep more. If I still feel lousy by the time I'm done, I may take off early but I know if I got to sleep early I'll be up before daylight. I may have to take something.

It is undecided if it will be cloudy or sunny here. I'm praying for about two days of steady rain. The water is so bad it is now undrinkable. I'm using bottled water exclusively for drinking and cooking... what little I do of that. This can't be healthy when it stinks so bad.

Hope you all have a really great day.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

It Feels Like A Monday

This is probably a normal response when you have a Monday off. The next day will, invariably be your Monday. I must say, however, that I've had fewer calls than a typical Monday. And I'm in a good place paperwork wise.

I had a headache this morning, right in the front of my head, which is actually an unusual place for me to have a headache. Not a migraine then? I don't know. My neck hurts as usual and that means pain from my head to my elbow and down my back to my shoulder blade. I slept badly I think. Well, it felt like it. My weekend was so packed that I was exhausted by bedtime. I put medicine on my knees and they are better this morning. I put more on it this morning hoping to stave off evening pain.

Mike missed another dentist appointment. I told him they wouldn't keep rescheduling. He said my sister, who said she'd take him for me, was not there (it is 10 now) and they won't see him if he is 10 minutes late. She does things like this for me on occasion and it is much appreciated. But she is late for everything. She drives very slow as well. I should have told her the appointment was at 9:30 rather than 10. Usually, if she is doing something like this for me, I tell her it is 30 minutes earlier for that reason. Otherwise, she's always half hour late.

At 9:45 yesterday she called about the picnic. She had to do a load of laundry before she could go. I had told her when lunch was going to be earlier in the week but I told her again that they would begin at 11:30 and that it was already nearly ten. I told her to call me when she was ready and if I was still in town, I'd pick her up but if not, to drive over anyway. I live 30 minutes from church. So she called me at 11:30 and I was already at the church. She did drive over but it was after noon by the time she got there. We enjoyed the day, though, and I'm glad she came. She hardly ever gets to do stuff like that and she really needs to.

I'm looking for something. I do not know what. I just feel as if I'm looking for something. I have a restlessness that keeps nagging at me. In case you haven't noticed, I haven't done anymore bead work. I am going to but I've just not had a really good few weeks. The pain has been worse most days even though the weather has improved. My mind is restless I think. I haven't had the bi-monthly meetings of the writing group and I think the lack of mental stimulation has been a factor. I did finish my outline/synopsis for Doug and e-mailed it off. I haven't heard from him but he has a lot going on at the moment. His wife started a new job and his company is in the middle of a buyout so he's concerned for his own job.  I feel bad assigning him that short story. I'll have to go easy on the grading scale.

Anyway, I feel a bit like a sheet in the wind. Remember when you were a kid and your mother hung the sheets on the line? Well, most of you will. Anyway, when the wind blew hard the sheet would make this snapping sound and strain at the clothes pins. Sometimes a pin would come loose and the corner would flap. If you tried to take the sheet down, you almost had to do battle to gather it up before it took off. That's pretty much how I feel. I'm madly straining at the pins. But even if I get free, I do not know where I'd go or what I'd do.

I have taken off four hours on the 17th to drive over to Louisville and meet up with my aunt and uncle. They probably won't get there until after three but it takes me two hours to drive it and Louisville is an hour ahead of me. I am going to start planning for another independent excursion soon.

I have to, at some point, get used to it. Otherwise, my life is going to be very confining and sad. I will become a recluse who never goes anywhere or does anything. Jerry would never have liked that. I was the daring one, the one who'd try just about anything as long as it was not going to hurt me if I fell, and who would try anything once as long as it didn't look at me, wiggle when I stuck a fork in it, or didn't eat me. And that was what he loved. He might not do it, but he liked watching me.

Since I started this post I have gone to lunch and my head has eased up but not much. Not sure what that is about. I so wish I could just go home. Tomorrow is recertification day again and it will be over 100 people we have to see. I hate recert days. But with us taking people off the program and not adding new people on, this number will begin to dwindle soon. Unfortunately, we will eventually require less staff. I need to get another skill. I was thinking last night maybe I should try and take a class in medical transcription or something. I'd hate it but hey, it is a sit down job that pays reasonably well, in not as well as what I'm doing. 

I'm going to have to check on tires I think tonight. I have to get new tires on my car. I hope maybe by next weekend I'll have them. I'm terrible at this stuff. Jerry just took care of it. I never had to worry about it or shop for it or handle it. I despise this.

I must sign off now. I have some calls to answer and work to do. Hope you fellow Yanks had a good Labor Day. Too bad the rest of you don't have a Labor Day. Of course, my Brit friends get all those "Bank" holidays that I simply don't get at all but sound very nice since they appear to give them nice long weekends at just the right time. Or maybe I'm got it wrong.....{shrug} Someone will correct me, I'm sure.

"Old Fashioned: A style that must be grown into to wear it with grace."

Monday, September 6, 2010

Labor Day at Haven

Sarah spent her first night at Mawmaw's last night. Since I didn't have to be at work today we just played it by ear. She went to church with me last night. And I was finally able to go to sleep at 3 a.m. She never cried but she fought sleep that long. Of course, I have no idea when she had gotten up that morning. But she was very sleepy. I decided to tough it out. She woke at 6 asking for beef stew! LOL, I'd given my only two cans to her mom for her weeks ago. I decided since we'd had only 3 hours sleep we were NOT getting up.

I got up at 9 and got her up. I took a warm cloth and washed her face to wake her because she sleeps hard once she sleeps. She gave me the dirtiest look you have ever seen. I laughed and told her that when her daddy was a little boy I kept a spray bottle of water and if he and uncle Mike didn't get up after three attempts they got sprayed with it and would jump out of bed yelling. I yelled and she giggled. She was up.

We got to the picnic around 11:00 and found a spot to sit. Our new building has walls and a roof and the meal was served inside this. It was actually perfect weather and not uncomfortable at all. A breeze blew in through open windows and doors not finished.

My sister, Phyllis came shortly and joined us. There was plenty of food and we all ate but they always forget the condiments for the hot dogs! Every year! I brought diet cokes and two years ago I made a point of bringing condiments but forgot this year. I'm going to make a list next year. A case of diet sodas since they ran out of those and had a couple of cases of the sugar stuff!

Sarah wanted chicken and fortunately someone had brought fired chicken! What kind of food? Hamburgers, hot dogs, pork and beef stakes, baked beans, mash potatoes, green beans, broccoli casseroles, mac and cheese casseroles, corn, chicken and dumplings (which ran out before my turn!), banana pudding, cakes, pies and watermelon. There may have been other things but that is just what I noticed.

After lunch, we went to play games. Sarah played a beanbag toss until the official games began. Then she did an egg toss and a obstacle course race. She had a wonderful time. I got drafted for the three legged race (remember these are 4-12 year olds) because they were short a leg or two. And I promptly fell flat half way to the finish, with my other leg, Gracie (about 11 or 12). I'll feel that tomorrow. We lost and I think she was disappointed. We had a good gait when we practiced but got tangled up in the race.

I am already having problems with the right leg and hip. Lots of knee pain and pain in my arms and hands. When Sarah woke me this morning it was just horrible. I was very concerned about it.

Finally, we headed home. Sarah promptly fell asleep during the movie Marmaduke that my sister brought by. I'm exhausted. Becca is bringing over a birthday cake because we have not had one yet. Sarah is still sleeping. I hope she sleeps tonight but ;) she'll be home tonight.

I stopped several times today and thought how much fun Jerry would have gotten from the day. He loved his church and this picnic was a highpoint of the year for him. We usually just sat and watched things and talked to people but that was enough for him. But today, with Sarah he would have had the best day of his life.

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Day's End

The day ends with me very far behind in the things I wanted to do. Sarah didn't come over until after 5. I went to buy a weed trimmer. Bought an electric one and had to take it back less than an hour later. The line kept tangling up and it didn't work right. I bought a gas operated one instead but haven't tried it yet. They are so heavy for me to operate but I don't have much choice.

I sat on the patio a long time today. It was nice out but the mosquitoes still bothered me a bit. I did nothing else today. Mike and I went to Sonic and had burgers for lunch. Sonic is a drive-in where they have carhops who bring your food to the car on roller skates but they have a section of tables outside and we got out of the car to eat. The weather was simply perfect. He rolled the fence to the street for me. I asked him to cut the yard but I don't think he was feeling well today. He said his shoulder was hurting. I am hoping he did not hurt it moving those stones. He said it was hurting before that and he used the wheelbarrow to move them. That's ok if he did but still, I could tell his shoulder was bothering him. He has no explanation as to why or he isn't telling me.

I hope to go to church tomorrow. I've asked to take Sarah. They say they are going but we'll see. I'm doubtful.

I went to Sam's Club to look at tires for the car and I bought Sarah two very cute little dresses and some books for her birthday present. I bought me two tops that have to go back. Hate the way they fit but you can't try on clothes there.

Now,I'm in bed contemplating finishing my book, Heat Wave. This is such a funny book! It is a mystery but the characters are so funny. But then they are in the television show! I have no idea who really wrote the book. They have the fictional character's name on it but who knows. It is owned by ABC.

I'm stopping now because I really don't have anything important to say and I frown on rambling blogs written by me. I deactivated my Facebook account this afternoon. I thought that was the same as deleting it but it is apparently not. I'll go back and delete it later. Very liberating. Wonder what we'll all do when the grid fails? No electricity... no internet!My battery is only good for about 4-6 hrs, maybe a bit longer if all I do is write and don't do any heavy duty stuff like videos. Gee, I'd have to learn to write all over again.

Yes, I did say WHEN the grid fails. It will, eventually. Nothing last forever and if it can go wrong, it will.

With that thought to ponder, I bid you good night.

Good Morning, Saturday!

You look marvelous! It is lovely out my window. The sunshine woke me and she's such beautiful girl. It is a chilly 63 out there so I won't go out for a bit.

I woke up at 8:30 and got a nice hot cup of joe. I'm sitting in the middle of my bed writing challenges and this blog. My church has a Labor Day picnic on Monday and I may go to that. Mike and I will, anyway. I don't know if anyone else will but we decided to go for the food. LOL.

I realized last night that my Writing Challenge blog on blogspot has 1 follower! I was surprised and thrilled. LOL, silly huh? I don't know the person but they had several writing blogs they are members of and mine was one. Lately, I've not been doing challenges because my head wasn't cooperating. But I think I'll work on some more this weekend.

I have one week to finish my outline. I think I will be done but it has been really difficult. If I could have outlined without reading the whole story,I'd be done but I have to read it to know what is going one so I can summarize it. This is why you are supposed to outline before you write. LOL.

I'm deleting my Facebook account today. If I am on your Facebook it is not personal. I have some members that just insist on bickering and carrying on I'm really tired of it. It depresses me that these people continue to publicly air their opinions thinking that the rest of the world cares that they are mean and petty. Were I reviewing some of the sites for potential employees, I'd be put off from hiring people who can't get along in public and think free speech means mouthing off all the time regardless of what others think. I don't get that at all. It gets depressing.

I told one of my children this week that kind of behavior is why I have a very small circle of family contacts and friends. I simply don't like negative people around me.I don't want to talk to them. I don't want to read every boring detail of their life and their silly arguments. These people who repeatedly use the media to say things that they don't have the nerve to call and say on the phone or to someone's face.

I sure don't want people to see I know such people. Blogs are for venting and you chose who sees and you tend to make a point... even if it is that your are just crazy. Facebook is not a blog. And my idea of social networking is shaking hands and smiling, trying to make the best impression I can. Not tell the world I'm a fool who gets in a snit over every little thing. Well, you guys know I do but this is what the blog is. It also gets boring reading about the hours people have spent playing a game. Page after page of it! Do I care?

Oh! And the Facebook Christian! Oh, I love those. Misquoting scripture to suit an ignorant attitude. People who never open the Bible should NOT quote what they THINK the Bible says. They just expose how profoundly stupid they are to a billion people! Isn't that fun! And those who do know quote only that special part that proves they are right! But then they go make nasty comments to people, exposing that they are also mean and nasty!

Then there is the FPF - Facebook Pseudo Friend. Those are the ones who say "Let's keep in touch. Add me!" And you never hear from them again. . . except when they post they've played games for six days straight and have the highest score in the world. Or when they talk to other people but never respond to your greetings.

O.k. this has become a rant. I'm going and cast out that demon Facebook! I truly believe it is a negative place. Might be fine if only your relatives are on there and you get along and keep in contact. But some of the mean and nasty people on mine ARE relatives! It is why I live three states away!

I found out yesterday that Mike has broken up with Connie. I'm very sorry for him. He really liked her and I think she liked him. He simply can't reconcile their differences in faith. She likes to go to bars and clubs to dance and she smokes and drinks. And she wouldn't go to church with him. He says he just can't deal with that. Don't get me wrong. Mike is NOT perfect. Far from it. He is... is desperately lonely. That isn't our lifestyle and he's smart enough to know that it would not be wise to mix in a marriage.

I went through a period last January when I thought I was going to do some stupid things. It was horrible but it let me have a bit of insight into Mike's mind. This kind of loneliness is terrible. No relief from the emptiness of your life. Waking up every morning and going to bed every night without the person you love. No special occasions to celebrate. I think it hit me because of the holidays. Mike has been living this for 4 years and in this area, we are very much alike. We loved being a couple with someone and our lives were meant to be lived like that. That was our purpose. We've both been dealt a bad hand. His ended in divorce and mine in death.

I'm trying to redraw the lines on the map. I have to learn to like this kind of solitude. It is not the same as solitude when you are married. Then, you always go back to that person because you want to be with them. Now, I have no choice. I can't come back from it. So, I try and do things by myself but it is hard. Most of the time I feel better staying home. No one bothers me here. (Read no one calls.) LOL. My aunt and uncle have spent lots of time trying to get me to get out and go places. They have in the past taken trips with their friends from Texas and just the two of them for years. This last year they have included me when things got very bad. They helped. But as you all know my first trip "alone" last month was a fiasco. I had this totally unrealistic idea of how it would be. It wasn't. In the first place, seeing new places alone is no fun. Secondly, car troubles in strange cities alone is even less fun. Yes, I'll have to try again because this . . . is . . . my life. I have no other.

I talked to Kat last night about trying to get together. She is waaaaaayyyyyy up in Chicago. It is over six hours for either of us to drive. I talked to Nancy, too. I think she's in Missouri... at least six hours. Nina is closer... about three hours. Who else? Oh, Cassandra in Illinois is about three hours. Grammy Blicktx... well, Texas is a bit of a jaunt but I've been wanting to go back there for a visit anyway.

I decided something else. Next year the Midwest Writer's Guild is hosting a weekend writing conference. I mentioned this before. I have about five writing friends on my list of contacts... maybe six. All of of you are invited to camp at my house if you want to attend! That is one year away. I'll post details as it progresses. Bring air mattresses, camp cots etc. I do have a couple of beds for anyone who can't do the air mattress thing. By then, the house won't be a total disaster of repairs. I hope to have a new tub in a couple of months. Just a thought. I'm serious. You just have to spring for your conference fees and meals.

The morning has progressed and it is now 66 degrees at 10 a.m. I'm going to get off here and go fix me something to eat. Mike said he is coming over. I am going to see if he will do some stuff outside for me. Sarah has not arrived, despite her projected arrival time of 9 a.m. I won't wait. Too much I need to do.

Labor Day holiday has gotten off to a lovely start. Hope everyone has a really lovely weekend.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Black Wednesday

I do not want to go out today. This has been simply a horrible week. I feel as if I've backtracked months. Memories that are so painful that they can't be borne just pour in and can't be stopped. And the ache of wanting to see Jerry is beyond belief.

I don't know when that will stop. I have never stopped missing Mama and she died when I was 17! There has been more than one day in all those years when I simply sat and cried for hours. No day has ever gone by when I didn't think of her and miss her and need her. This is worse. This is utter devastation. I do not know what to do.

I am about to leave for work but every day this week has been nearly impossible. If I did what I wanted to do, I'd lie down on the couch and not get up. On top of it I'm in the middle of some kind of flare. Fibro and RA combined. Joints and muscles have been hurting and this pain reduces your ability to cope. Saturday was fine and it has been downhill ever since. I'm making more mistakes typing, too.

I have an appointment today at 10 with the RA doctor. There isn't much she can do. She just checks to see how the joints are faring and if I'm any worse. These are both diseases which don't kill you but they make you wish you were dead. And there is no known cure. So couple those with my life and you may get a clue as to what most days are for me.

I have to stop complaining about it. It is what it is. Get used to it. Accept inevitability. Someone said after Jerry died, "You're a fighter." I never wanted to fight. I don't want to fight anymore. I want, so very much, peace. To stop feeling all of this.