Black Wednesday

I do not want to go out today. This has been simply a horrible week. I feel as if I've backtracked months. Memories that are so painful that they can't be borne just pour in and can't be stopped. And the ache of wanting to see Jerry is beyond belief.

I don't know when that will stop. I have never stopped missing Mama and she died when I was 17! There has been more than one day in all those years when I simply sat and cried for hours. No day has ever gone by when I didn't think of her and miss her and need her. This is worse. This is utter devastation. I do not know what to do.

I am about to leave for work but every day this week has been nearly impossible. If I did what I wanted to do, I'd lie down on the couch and not get up. On top of it I'm in the middle of some kind of flare. Fibro and RA combined. Joints and muscles have been hurting and this pain reduces your ability to cope. Saturday was fine and it has been downhill ever since. I'm making more mistakes typing, too.

I have an appointment today at 10 with the RA doctor. There isn't much she can do. She just checks to see how the joints are faring and if I'm any worse. These are both diseases which don't kill you but they make you wish you were dead. And there is no known cure. So couple those with my life and you may get a clue as to what most days are for me.

I have to stop complaining about it. It is what it is. Get used to it. Accept inevitability. Someone said after Jerry died, "You're a fighter." I never wanted to fight. I don't want to fight anymore. I want, so very much, peace. To stop feeling all of this.