Midday Mood Meter

I started this in the middle of the day and have taken most of the afternoon, during breaks, to finish it. Can't say it is worth reading.

Had Chinese for lunch with Carolyn. We go to lunch practically everyday. We seldom go with anyone else. Are we snobs? I don't think so. It just played out this way over time. We're both the outspoken, "it is what it is" types. And we don't actually like a lot of drama in our work. So, we tend to do lunch.

Also, she lost her 30 yr old son in September '08 and Jerry died in January '09 so we've been company for one another during a difficult time. But we were friends before that.

I'm back at work now and wishing I could go home. I have problems coming out my ears and I don't want to deal with them. I've been reading the news about the "economic recovery" and how most of the people having problems with employment are the 50+ group. Sounds suspiciously like age discrimination to me. We're the most reliable when it comes to attendance and loyalty to the job and we're stable. But we're not employable? I hope they all know that everyone becomes 50 at some point? Needless to say, I'm not encouraged by this news. And it only breeds fear in an already fearful time. The economy is not better unless you're the president and congress and living on the high side of life. Those in the trenches are scratching and clawing to make it through the next utility bill. My utility bill was ridiculous. I'm not even home during the day and it wasn't appreciably lower than if I had been home. That's nuts. I shudder to think of winter.

I just wish money didn't matter so much. I was reading about Cuba this weekend and how broken their communist system is.They're trying new methods, still communist in nature but more along the lines of everyone trying to find ways to support themselves. It was laughable... raise rabbits to support your family. They want the benefits of capitalism without the freedom that requires. Communism didn't work but I have news for them. I suspect they've waited too late to come out into the market place. The arena for jobs and economic growth has moved out of this hemisphere.

I don't actually have anything to say and no news. I'm so bored with my life that it isn't even funny. Work, go home, shower, go to bed, try to read, try to write, watch t.v. go to sleep, get up and start over. No interaction with another human being. No companionable conversation, no shared jokes, no shared woes. I like solitude. I don't like isolation. There is nothing to do, no place I want to go. This is not life. I've said that before. It is not living. It is existence at the basic level.

There are not many days I can point to where I've been happy for a very long time and it is depressing when I think about how utterly miserable I sound on the blog. I don't WANT to sound this way. I don't want to BE this way. I can't for the life of me figure out how not to. I was thinking the other day that I should not post this stuff anymore but I'd be posting precious little if I stop! And sometimes it helps me to step back and look at it. Other times, I shake my head in annoyance at my own posts.

I feel as if I'm lost. I keep wandering down these corridors, checking doors and windows, only to find brick walls behind them. I back track and take the other hall only to find another dead end. I simply can't get out. It is frightening and frustrating all at the same time. Will I ever get out? Is there a way out? Sometimes I'd just like to sit down and not get up. I get tired of searching for something that probably doesn't exist. A door to the outside world. Sunlight.

Hopelessness. That's the word. Living without hope. But I must have some or I wouldn't keep shuffling along these hallways looking for a door. Maybe that's desperation. Feels like it.