Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Puzzled No More

It is finished. The train can now finish it's journey to whatever mysterious place it is headed for.

I put the last piece in tonight and posted the photos for you to see. It is a beautiful puzzle. I will leave it in place until my aunt and uncle get here on Friday and can see it. I really want to frame it. I can't believe how pretty it looks in the dark.

I want to jump on the train and ride to far away places. I want to watch the forest and mountains fly past in the darkness and hear the wolf cry. I want to watch the sun come up over the valleys and watch the mist rise on the wind. I want to hear the bird singing as the sun rises. I want to smell the scent of the coal mingle with the scent of sun-drenched forest and watch as deer leap along beside the train as it races to its destination.

And I want to do it all with Jerry seated next to me. I want to lay back with the sun on my face and my head on his shoulder and ride forever.

There is no escape.

Reporters Without Borders - Annual Worldwide Press Freedom Index - 2008

Think the US is at the top of the list for Freedom of Speech? Think again. Check out this list of nations who are considered to have the most liberty in freedom of the press. Uh, the US is 36th on the list with several others.

Press Freedom Index 2008

Only peace protects freedoms in post-9/11 world

Monday, March 30, 2009

Slow Day in the Fast Lane

I didn't stop all day. I worked from the time I hit the door until 5:20. I left and went to the bank where I had to sit in the drive through 20 minutes waiting while they helped some old lady. She deposited a fist of checks and then she tried to cash a check but they told her that her account only had $2 in it. She said, "With all the money I just put in there?" He told her because she had deposited checks they wouldn't post until tomorrow. She wasn't happy. I eventually got out after two other people. I got there about 5:30 and left at 5:45!

I came home and Mike was here. He didn't want to go out to eat. I had arranged to take all of them to supper so I could have a real meal where I could sit down with my children. It ended up Dave, Becca, Sarah and I went to dinner while Mike stayed on the computer. He said he had crackers. Probably a whole stack of Ritz. But he and I had lunch and a movie on Saturday together.

We came home and visited while I worked on my puzzle. I have more photos to upload. I am so excited. It is nearly finished. I did a lot tonight, pieces that have been driving me crazy just fell into place as if I had put them there before.

I have a theory about puzzle building. I believe if you look at the puzzle and the pieces scattered around carefully for several minutes before you leave it, when you come back the next time you will actually be able to put in the first several pieces on the first try. I don't know why I think this works but I believe it does. Usually the first dozen pieces are amazingly simple. I can't believe I pick up a piece and know right where it goes. This has happened so frequently that it can't be coincidence. I always scan the puzzle before I leave it for any length of time, particularly parts that are challenging me.

Well, it's my theory and as long as it works I'll keep doing it. I'd be interested in knowing the results if any of you try this sometime. Of course, all you who are wanting to try a puzzle have to go GET one first.

Why do I think this works? Because, putting patterns together is what the brain is good at. The more you put patterns together the easier it gets. My uncle, when they were here the week following the funeral said I don't put puzzles together like everyone else. I didn't know what he meant. Not sure I do yet. I don't think I do. But the whole family was involved in puzzles for over a week and I watched how they did it. It seemed very inefficient to me for some reason I couldn't pinpoint. So, I must be doing something differently but can't figure out what it is.

Anyway, it fascinates me. And soon, my train will be on its way through the snow filled, moonlit valley. Keep watching.

I'm getting ready for bed. I took my pills late tonight and I am concerned I'll wake up late so I'm going to try and turn in on time.

My sister Roselynn's blog has an updated look. And she is not Child of Seven. Give it a look.

Another Reason to Hide Your Profile

I never put my real name on my blog... anywhere. Not even in my profile. Read this article and you'll see why.

People Search Engines

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Evening Falls

A storm blew in and I sat and paid bills. Here are the clouds over the garage. You can see how bad a shape this end of the house is in. Needs pain and gutters up.

And here is a shot from the back door, looking across the yard to where the railroad runs between us and the street. You can see the mess they leave, too. The only saving grace is that in summer it is all green and woodsy so my yard is completely shielded from view.

Here is one from the front door after the rain really began to fall. My little Focus needed a wash. I need a new awing, too. This one leaks a bit and looks terrible but taking it down would mean I'm drenched in every rainfall while I fumble with keys to get inside.

Here is the last shot.
I had the camera set to take a close-up and forgot to set it back. But it worked out well. You can see the raindrops! That was what I wanted but didn't know how to do it with this camera.

Now, for my next trick. I've had wash going, made my bed with clean sheets, and messed around here. I'm ready for real food. The Subway sandwich at lunch is long gone and I've had too much candy for someone with my insulin disorder. Only coffee since we got home from the movie. I want real food but have no idea what I want. I have salad makings and Raspberry vinaigrette dressing and I have spicy chicken strips with ranch dressing to cool them down a bit. Sounds like a plan.

First, however, a nice hot shower and a wash of the mop. May see you all later or may just watch HULU for a bit. Hope you all have a good weekend.

Knowing is a Wow!

Just got back from the movie starring Nicholas Cage - "Knowing".

Well, I must say it was a really good movie. Do not take young children, please. There is some action that is disturbing because of the nature of the events are violent (subway crash) but over all this was the cleanest movie I believe I've ever seen. No cursing, no nudity, no gratuitous violence. Mike said that Cage said "shit" twice. I don't recall that at all so it wasn't obvious. It was quiet sobering in some respects.

The is a movie about a little girl who in 1958 foretold all major disasters up to 2009. These were sealed in a time capsule at her school to be opened in 50 years. This comes into Cage's possession in 2009, through his son, who received it at the opening ceremony. Cage is a scientist who believes that everything is random chance and can't be predicted. So, these prophecies are a challenge to him. And three prophecies have not happened. When he realizes this, he sets about to stop them.

The most disturbing part of this for me was that he was a widow and talked about the lost of his wife. It was painful, to say the least. I don't cry at movies but this nearly did me in a few times. His questions and pain were an echo for me.

For those of you with a religious background, it is a very religious movie. Yes, you heard me. The thing is absolutely filled with religious overtones and Biblical thought. Not preachy stuff. Not a morality show. Just subtle, well, not subtle to me, but subtle Biblical overtones.

Go to the site and view the trailers: Knowing and see for yourself.

I talked to my cousin Dan a while ago and he agreed with me about the religious overtones. He said when he came out he felt like he needed to go to church. LOL! That's so Danny. He liked the movie, too.

Afternoon Ideas

I think I'm going to see a movie. Alone, since I don't actually have anyone to go with me, well, I could go with Mike.

He isn't even up yet but I can see if he wants to go. Maybe I will... movies aren't much fun alone anyway.

I don't have any other plans. Unless it is shop for a laptop. I really want one but don't know why except my original concept was that I'd have a computer to write on when Jerry wanted to be online. And I could take it with us when we went somewhere. This was to be the year things got better for us and we could do some of the things we kept putting off to help our children. Now, I can do all those things if I want. I don't.

So, maybe a laptop is a luxury I don't need. Will I use it? Will I actually write more if I have it with me. I don't know. At the moment, things are difficult and I can't really think much. I do think the antidepressant is helping, although slowly. I'm sleeping more but I learned last night that it and the muscle relaxant should be taken early. Had a terrible time getting up by 9 and took two hours for my head to clear. I could have slept in since I no longer have a life but I really wanted to get up.

I truly would like to start living again. But I don't know how. There are no plans to make, no places to go, no discussions although with him sleeping so much that had virtually dried up. I don't have to cook, clean or wash clothes for anyone but me. I'd just as soon not.

It is raining outside.

A movie it is. Mike and I are going to see the "Knowing" with Nicholas Cage.

Friday, March 27, 2009

Up Late

I'm going to bed in a moment but stopped to post a few things. I've put up a couple of puzzle photos to track the progress. Maybe another week of this and it will be done.

I also put up a few of Sarah. I shot these tonight while they came by for a visit.

I took my meds late tonight because of this but I'm ready for sleep now so I think they are working ok. I will pop in tomorrow if I can. I have lots I need to do. Bill paying for example.

Hope you all have a good and warm weekend. It's cold here.

Gloomy Fridays

Friday rolls in again. I am at work and want to go home. In a few minutes I am going to get off and get to work on files. I've been working for the last hour but stopped to take a moment and post something. I've slept better the last several night since I've been taking my muscle relaxant and the Doxepin. Gone in minutes when I lie down. That's good.

Thinking isn't so good. I am one of those people who relives things over and over and it is a curse. I see and hear them repeatedly. I know that what I am experiencing is post traumatic stress and I really don't know how to stop it. Does it go away on its own? A lady at church said I must stop feeling guilty but I don't know how to do that either. Everyone can say it wasn't my fault, I didn't do anything wrong, I did everything I could. Only I know where I failed. I know, no one else.

I know what I should have done, should have been doing and I didn't. Because I was so wrapped up in hurt and disappointment and failures that I couldn't see what was happening. And he didn't tell me anything. I should have realized he couldn't climb the stairs to see Sarah. Nothing else would have kept him away. But I didn't see it. I should have realized he couldn't walk far because he couldn't breath. I didn't see it. I never even looked that hard. I had just given up trying to see anything because he never listened to what I was saying. At least it seemed like he wasn't. But maybe he simply could focus on it enough to understand. I don't know about that either.

Back to work for me before this degenerates into a crying session. I wish I could forget a lot of things.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Chugging Along

I've added more puzzle photos. As you will see, my little train is chugging along in the valley. You can now see the river that runs along the bottom of the photo. It's black there in the darkness where the snow ends and ice begins. And the tops of the mountains are beginning to take shape.

Look at the glowing photos. This is going to be an awesome picture when finished. I am really excited about it. I can only sit for about an hour before my neck gets the better of me. Not sure this table is any better than the low one I was using. I think it is but I still get a sore neck,.

I'm off for the bathroom, then a simple sandwich for supper and bed. I took my
Doxepin again when I got home and already am feeling sleepy. My lack of sleep last night will probably factor into this. I also took the muscle relaxant so between them, I should rest tonight.

Toodles everyone!

Early Birds and Worms

I'm on my way to work this rainy day. Weather has cooled again so back to the sweaters.

I added my latest puzzle photo. It is coming along. I will have to do another "dark" one so you can see how the glow is progressing. Mike saw it last night and said, "You ought to frame that one, Mom. It's going to be cool."

I may do that. It is cool.

I had a very bad night and have had very little sleep but there is a move briefing today so must go to work. I don't believe I'll be going to the cemetery very often for a while. It is not good for me. I had to call Mike to come over about 10:00 and stay with me a while.

I'm cleaning out contacts again. I do this periodically. I get rid of blank or MIA's. Those who with empty blogs or who've been gone for a year or who're now posting things I don't find interesting. In previous purges, those purged never noticed! I've never heard a word from them and they still don't post. Half a dozen no longer have a blog, I've checked! So, spring cleaning begins.

Don't worry, those of you who've been here a while know who you are and that you're safe! LOL! .

Monday, March 23, 2009

Puzzling Preoccupation

Much is begin said about my puzzling attraction to puzzles. I'll use this post to answer some of the question.

No, I don't frame them. I take them apart and put them away until I want to do them again. I have several and I share them with my uncle at times. Puzzles are 100% recyclable. They are the perfect gift. If you hate it, you can find someone else to give it to who will love it. Many people in my family love puzzles. And even those who say they don't like them get hooked walking by on occassion. They almost always stop and try a few pieces.

I have been doing puzzles since I was big enough to stand at the table with Mama. I remember "helping" her when I was probably not much older than Sarah. I think the brain has to be wired for this. I love mysteries of any sort and figuring out how things work. I like fairly complicated puzzles. I don't want very simply ones. I'm done too fast. I have to have at least 750 pieces or better and the picture must be interesting or beautiful. Or both. I've been doing paintings lately and they tend to be the most difficult. Brushstrokes are a nightmare to figure out. Is it a leaf or a drop of paint?

I love sewing probably for the same reason I love puzzles. It is putting pieces together to form a picture. When you work puzzles, you think of nothing else. You are looking for patterns and it takes nearly your whole concentration. They are very theraputic and engrossing. But I do not sit for hours on end. I may but not usually. I usually sit down for a short time and work a section. I don't try and see the big picture from the beginning except to see where things go. I look at the small sections, a leaf, a knot on a tree, the way the snow lies in the current effort. I separate the outside from the inside and then sort by patterns, colors, and visible objects. Hence, the train came together very quickly.

Puzzles are very good to keep the brian active. They stimulate parts of the brain that are often affected in alzheimer's disease. The younger you start the better you are at them. They help develop other areas of the brain improve functions related to geometry and mathematics.

Everyone benefits from putting them together. If you do it as a family, as we did when my aunt, uncle and sisters were here, it is a lot of fun. Everyone works on a section but they will often find pieces you're looking for. One night three of us put together a 750 piece puzzle in about three hours time. That was astounding and we couldn't stop.

Sarah already has several puzzles and we sit and put them together with her. She needs help on some and others she has already learned for herself. She loves puzzles.

I see several weeks of work on the current puzzle. It is on a table, out of the way but conveniently located for me or anyone to work on it. I can work on it and listen to music or even listen to a program, bearing in mind I will miss a bit of the program here and there. But I"ve developed an ability to work on these and listen to other things. How many of you read and watch t.v.? My sisters and I all do.

So, you can see I am an avid puzzle fan. And I strongly encourage others to try them. Particularly if you need a strong diversion. It does work. Start small. A puzzle that is 250 pieces is very small and won't take forever. It is not overwhelming and will still present a challenge to the neophyte.

I'm off to bed now. Yes, very early for me. I took one of my Doxepin at 6 and by 9 p.m. I was groggy. I hope this is readable. It sure was hard to write. LOL

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Sunday School

I'm up and dressed and waiting for Mike to get here. I called to see if Sarah was going to go with me this morning but once again, she is not up.

I've very disappointed in this. Jerry and I were faithful to see that our sons were in church, even if one was sick the other took the children. Our sons were faithful until they met women who were not as faithful. One girl was a preacher's daughter but looked for every reason not to go to church. Thankfully, she and Mike had no children before she decided to divorce him. He has never been the same, but he does try. I thought David's wife was different in that respect but it is becoming more and more apparent that it isn't going to happen.

I love my daughter-in-law, truly. But she makes excuses. She doesn't work and is home all week but she had to stay up Friday and Saturday night so she and her mom could clean the two bedroom apartment. ????? So, what is going on all week? Well, Sarah has been sick some but five days and no cleaning? And there is a pattern here. This is the norm after she attends any church for a period. Excuses. Why don't people just stand up and say, "I don't believe. I don't love God. I don't want to go to church. I don't like church." Excuses are just lies. I can't stand that.

Mother's are the first example their children see. What you do is what they will do. What you think will be mirrored in their attitudes and thoughts. How you behave will be how they behave. If you are faithless, so too will they be. Children of smokers often smoke. Children of alcoholics often become alocholics. Children of abusers often become abusers. Children of faithless parents are usually faithless. This is borne out in the Bible. Like the children of Israel who married the pagan conquered peoples around them, my sons married uncommitted women and have become lax and faithless.

Admittedly they had a problems before they married but had they married committed women, the chances are they would have become more committed. The Bible is filled with such stories. There is a reason for that. My sons' lives show this as well. Failure after failure because they have walked away from their heritage. If you aren't a believer, you won't understand this and that's ok.

Faithfulness to God is filled with overflowing blessings. And to whine about your life or a problems when you are unfaithful to God is ludicrous. My poor Jerry missed church for three weeks before he died. I remember his sadness and depression over this. How badly he wanted to be there. But he was so tired and he overslept. He couldn't figure out why he was so tired and neither could I. I just though he was working too hard. I was having pain problems so I let him sleep. I wish I'd wakened him so he could have had his hearts desire for a bit longer.

And my granddaughter is learning her faithfulness from her parents. They are her example. Their attitudes toward the house of God are being formed. Sarah hates sunday school because she's ever been in one for very long before they start missing.

I've vented enough. If I say all this to my children, they will be angry. They will if they read it too but I am not accountable to them for this. I am only accountable to God in my efforts to point my children in the right direction. I see my daughter-in-law as one of my children because I see such potential in her life. And the loss of that potential will impact Sarah.

The housework is more important that that, I suppose.

How I wish my sons could have his hearts desires.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Late Night Struggles

I've been off the meds for days now and I understand the addiction potential of Xanax. It has been very difficult, evenings especially. I miss Jerry coming home and chatting a bit before bed.

I took flowers to the cemetery today and found that his stone had arrived and was set. It was so hard. Somehow that stone made it final. His name carved there meant he isn't coming back.

This can't be happening. Every night I struggle with going to bed. I lay there in the dark and cry until I am worn out and wonder how long this will last. How long do I keep feeling like my chest will explode? How long do I stop feeling as if I too am dying? As if I've lost half myself?

I dusted the study and ran the vacuum today. And I walked around and realized that this house is too big for one person. It's empty of warmth and light. I don't know what the future holds for me but I don't know if I will stay here or not. I have a lot of repairs to do and once they are done, I could leave if I wanted to. I'll have a small income that would help me relocate if need be.

But Jerry is here, three blocks away, but here. He is here in the house, around every corner, in photos, in his favorite shirt in the closet. In my head and heart and the breath I breathe. I don't know how to go beyond this point and it hurts.

I am finding that I don't want to talk to people or go anywhere. My aunt calls several times a day and I know she worries. My brother calls and he is learning to use his computer on the road.I've been helping him set up his messenger and learn to use it. He's never done that before. So I talk but when I'm done, I just feel so isolated and hollow. I realize that I am feeling something I have never in my life remembered feeling for any length of time. Abject loneliness. Soul engulfing aloneness. I've never before experienced such absence of presence.

I can't get to sleep and then I don't sleep well. I'm beginning to feel that lack. Tonight, I'm very tired. I'm going to bed and try to get up for church tomorrow.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Down the Rabbit Hole

I stopped taking the Xanax two days ago. I do not like having my brain cloudy for hours at a stretch. I can't get a lot done when I take it. At night I spend the evening in a drowsy state where I can't really read or think well. So, I'm dealing with reality. And I don't know if I'm doing it well or not.

Last night was horrible but not as horrible as February. I slept terribly. I am to see the grief counselor today. It probably useless. I think the blog is much more effective at working out emotions.

I've discovered that pills soothe the conscience. One doesn't feel very guilty about anything on pills. One doesn't worry about a lot either. Life sort of drifts by in a daze and you really don't care. When something upsets you, you feel competent to handle it, after you take a nap. You hurt a bit but the pills convince you that it isn't too bad and you'll be fine, you'll get through this. . . with their help. Just like Alice in Wonderland with her little bottle that said "Drink me" they call to you.

That's not living. So, I fired them. And today, my pain levels are rising because of that choice. Lack of sleep and stress. I guess some of the pain I have is anxiety related. But at least I can feel something. The doctors will not be happy.

I still have the pills if it becomes unbearable. I can always jump through the looking glass again.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Another Loss

I'm not feeling well today. I'm all right but my heart is heavy with another loss and I can't repair this any more than I can the other. Until this morning I didn't know how to deal with it. Today, I'm tired. I realized this morning I no longer care about certain things. The impact things have on me has shifted. I don't know why or how or if it is permanent. I just know I've changed.

Someone at work told me they knew I was stressed yesterday and I seemed much calmer today. I looked at her and said, "Today I don't really care." She laughed and I said, "Really. I'm tired and I just don't care about anything."

I'll probably be posting about what brought this on. Now is not the time. I am still sorting out my feelings and frustrations. One thing it did for me is make me re-evaluate some of the ideas I had about possibly relocating. It clarified to me who I am, where I belong, and why I ended up where I am. The glaring light of reality cleared that right up. I'd known it before but I had forgot. I won't forget again. I'll come back here and read my posts just so I can keep my path straight.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Prayer Request

I am posting this only for my contacts. Our family has had another tragedy that I am unable to discuss here. My sister Roselynn and her family need prayer now. God knows what is going on, so please just lift her and her family up in prayer for a while.

What is Happening in My World?

Stolen from Riete first... and then Katey.

Outside my window ... gloom with a portent of rain.

I am thinking ... that I’m tired for some unknown reason.

I am thankful for ... the use of my hands and eyes

From the kitchen ... there is no sound. Could be because we aren’t speaking. Dishes are clean because I did them last night. I went and got Sarah and Becca and had a burger. Mike just ate in there and I'll have a couple of items but whatever.

I am wearing ... aqua sweater, black skirt, hose, and low heeled shoes I wear to work. Most comfortable shoe I’ve had in a long time. The hose keep my legs warm as I don’t wear slacks.

I am creating ... this post. I did write some last night on Mist for about five minutes and will probably get back to it soon.

I am going ... maybe take a nap to cure the tired? I have federal taxes to do for myself and state taxes to do for Mike, Sue, and me.

I am reading ... “Through a Season of Grief” by Bill Dunn and Kathy Leonard. I don’t know if it is good and I’m not sure it is helping but since it is single page readings, it is manageable under my current mental state. I can’t concentrate long. Also, blogs, which work well for short attention spans . . . unless they are as long as mine.

I am hoping ... that I regain my sanity, ability to think, write, and pay attention again.

I am hearing ... the television. Mike brought his antenna over out of sympathy and said he never watched t.v. anyway. Since he is partially deaf, I can hear everything he is watching.

Around the house ...there is nothing happening unless you count Mike on the phone.

One of my favorite things ... I can’t remember any …. Maybe I should do this again in a few years.

Plans for the rest of the week ... week? How about next five minutes or next five years. I have no plans except work and taxes.

Picture of where I would like to be .... There is no picture for that.

Explanations and Details

I left the impression in my last post that I thought badly of the people at my church. I don't feel that way at all. I don't mean to imply that these are not "good" people. They are wonderful people, those I know personally especially. Those I don't, well, I don't know but they seem so. As a whole, it is a great church to attend for prayer, praise and worship. Both my church and my son's outdid themselves when Jerry died. I would have been lost without their assistance. They know what to do and they did it well. One of the women there is a friend from college but much younger than I and with young children. She's a wonderful person but again, we are talking about a large age gap.

The realities are that I've always been disappointed. I have no social friends there at all. Over time, several became more friendly but I've been there for ten years and even today I could walk in, sit down, and leave without ever having anyone say a word to me or me to them. There are perhaps four or five women I am "friendly" with but I've never seen them socially unless it was a church function. So, I can't say I have any close friends there.

They've just never been friendly with me outside of church functions. I got to where I didn't really enjoy those because I ended up sitting alone with my husband and no one talked to us. Oh, I just remembered an amusing detail. Once, Mike, my oldest son, was about 15 or 16 and he felt bad for me because no one talked to me. He went to several women in the church and told them this and asked them to go talk to me. They told me about it and laughed. I did too, but had I been them, I'd have been embarrassed. They didn't appear to be.

Actually, the men are all much more sociable than the women! They all talk to me! But I can't very well become close friends with them!

I've seen a lot of people come and go and some I know were because they felt distanced. I'm sure that many people do care, they just can't be bothered by other people. Maybe they work, maybe they're sick, maybe they just are forgetful. But it takes a lot of effort to be a friend to someone.So, as a result of my "welcome" when we first went there, I make a point to welcome visitors more warmly, not the usual, single, "How are you, glad to have you" but a hug and smile, and my name and where do you live, I live in I work at, etc. If they come back, I try and always stop and chat a bit.

What I believe is that if you are see a person, you have an obligation to extend your hands in any situation. If I'm standing five feet from you I will acknowledge you, even if you haven't made eye contact. I'll usually go tap you on the shoulder. Most people think, "If I don't look at them, I don't have to talk to them". Humans do this in every social setting. It is why we can see a beggar on the street and never feel a thing. We don't look so they don't exist. It's simply not true. Even I've looked the other way but I try not to. But when someone is down, they can't see anything. It is up to those around them to assist.

Jerry and I chose this church for our sons after several visits. There was a group of wonderful young men that welcomed my boys. And the men welcomed my husband. My husband loved it and we remained even after our sons left. But the first two years, I hated it. I never wanted to go there but I did for them. I tried to make friends and just get acquainted with other women. I couldn't seem to get anywhere. I even invited one woman and her husband over to our house our first year there. She replied, "You and your husband are quite a bit older than we are." I was stunned and never ever tried that again. Later I learned I am four years older than she...the same age as her sister!

However, I continued to go for my family. I believe that God blessed me in other ways because of that. Over time, I learned to love the pastor and his wife. They so obviously care for these people. And when she died, it was terrible. He is older, too and we will, at some point, have a transition. It has already begun. Jerry and I were uncertain if we would stay when that happened and now, I do not know if I will stay. The replacement is a good man and I believe sincere in his walk but I'm not crazy about it. I have prayed for God to give him wisdom and his wife also and to make them more approachable because since I've been there, they have been the most unapproachable people. Only in the last year has she really changed at all from hardly speaking to actually asking how I am.

But honestly, I don't know what my plans are at this point. I do not have a sense of loss at the thought of leaving there and that strikes me as odd. As I said, there are people I like there. But I don't think I'll be missed very much, if at all. I doubt anyone will notice when I'm gone, unless it is the pastor.

However, I never make such changes without praying about it first. When it is time, I'll leave. I'm not sure that isn't what I'm feeling now but they say don't make any decisions for at least three months. So, I'll wait. April will be three months.

When I was going to college, I attended a different church. They were pretty much the same way but even my husband and sons felt isolated. During that time, I prayed for a friend. I met a woman in college who became my best friend. She was not and is not a Christian. Since college we haven't seen each other much as we live in different towns about 20 miles apart. She teaches and I work so our lives have diverged. But I remember thinking, how sad that my best friend can't pray for me or share spiritual things. She was a non believer but she was such a good supportive friend in other ways. We'd study together and complain about our families, classes, professors and go to lunch and talk about the interest we did share. I'd pray for her but she just wasn't interested in religion. Still isn't.

Today, another one of my best friends is a person who doesn't share my beliefs but shares many of my hurts and frustrations. I can't sit and discuss a lot of things I would like to discuss but she is the person who, who alters her lunch plans to go meet me for lunch so I am not alone.

God uses stones if he can't use his people. And, then, He showed me blogging. And I have all of you with whom I can discuss all those other things!

I figured out long ago I don't go to church for friends. I go to worship. Real friends find you, you don't have to go searching for them.

Friday, March 13, 2009

Companions to Grief

There aren't any.Well, precious few.

I am working at home again today and I haven't even started. I had a hard time getting to sleep last night. I am going to have to take the medicines early I think. I called my doctor and the nurse called and said they will let me know if they want to change the medicines or if I can just take it earlier in the afternoon.

I am having the most trouble in the late afternoon and early evening. I am just panicky and more stressed. I don't take the medicine until nearly 9 so I can sleep but that hasn't been working well. I don't won't to go to bed too early cause I just get up earlier. I get up just in time to get ready and get to work so getting up earlier will only mean I am sitting here in this empty house longer in the morning.

I never see anyone but Mike. My sister comes by when she is off work at the same time I am but that is usually only once a week. My other son is around somewhere. He needed a ride to the park the other night so I got to see and talk to him then.

I went to church on Sunday but it is so difficult. And people don't really want to talk to the woman with the dead husband. I think about two people spoke to me Sunday night when I got to church. So, I just left the building as soon as church was over.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not someone who has to have crowds oooohing over me. And I don't go to church for the people.... good thing, too. But you'd think people would actually care about the people who sit on the pews! The pastor has always called when we missed church. When Jerry died three people that I know about from the church called aside from the pastor and assistant pastor. I don't know who was at the funeral. I'm grateful for those who made the effort to be there and I think there were several but it wasn't about them. And there was ice everywhere and people had no power. But that's been a month and a half ago.

This is what is so stupid to me. I've had a couple of people say, "Now you call if you need anything." Helloooo, I'm the one with the dead husband. You call me to lift me up and encourage me. I shouldn't have to call you to say "talk to me, please so I can forget for five minutes!"

I only continued going to church there for Jerry. In fact, for the first two years, I didn't want to go there at all. He loved it and I do love the pastor and the services are wonderful. But frankly, in a church of a couple of hundred people, I can list on one hand the number of people who even speak to me when I am there. And those people do say they love me.

I live 15 miles one way from the church. There are several churches closer to me. That should tell people something about me. At nearly $4 a gallon we still drove there to church.

I had a conversation with a person from the church a week after the funeral where I related something about myself. They looked at me and said, "I had no idea of that about you." I wanted to say "Really? Wonder why that is?" This was not someone I rarely see or say hello to. See, I do say hello. I even stand in the foyer and look around me after church Well, I used to. Recently, I've stopped bothering.

Maybe I don't get involved enough. I work five days a week and Saturday is my only day to get caught up at home. But when I did the church paper for six year and worked on the monitor system, it was no different.

I think the problem is that I don't belong to a clique. I'm the wrong size or my teeth aren't white enough or straight enough, or my color matching is off somehow. Someone told me once that I looked too smart! LOL, really. Can't remember who that was or where but they said people don't want to talk to someone who looks like they are very smart. That's so stupid that I suspect it is true.

Tell me something, is it me or are church families actually supposed to converse? I grew up in a small church where I adored everyone and they adored me. I talked with every person in the church and if I didn't they wanted to know why. It was a small town and a small church. But I've been many places since then and I've watched the trend. So, what has happened to the church? Or have things changed since I grew up?

I live 12 hours from all of my family. I get a call every single day from someone in my family... long distance is free for most of us now-a-days. They call to see how I am or just to tell me about their day. I suppose they feel they have to do this? No, they do it because they love me and are concerned. And you know what, when I hear from them so often, I feel I should actually return the calls! I want to know how they are!

Imagine that.

I guess I feel uncared for by the "saints". Let me see. "Pure religion and undefiled is......" anyone care to finish that scripture? It is in James 1:27.

Pure religion and undefiled before God and the Father is this, To visit the fatherless and widows in their affliction, and to keep himself unspotted from the world.


What hypocrites we are. That or I'm just not a member of the family.

O.k., I've had my whine and I'm now hungry so I'll go have the cheese. I'm feeling much too sorry for myself and that leads to depression - which I refuse to add to the rest of my troubles.

I promise not to run everyone down so much. You really do find out who cares when trouble comes your way. I do not know how I would have made it without my family and my friends here and at work. I know you think it may sound crazy but just getting a single note from someone is so comforting. Someone thought about you. Someone actually cared enough to say so. Thank you.

And I'm sorry if I've neglected any of you during all of this. I'll try and do better. I don't want to be one of those who passes by when someone is in need, who can't be touched by another's grief or pain.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009


I don't know why every night when I start home I get sick to my stomach. I just do. The whole drive home I am nauseous. I feel as if I am going to throw up and the thought of food is horrible. Every day.Mike is here each evening waiting for me and stays until about 9 p.m. so I am not alone then.

When I leave the house for any reason, on my way back I feel this same sickness. I find myself using up my cell minutes to talk to someone while I am driving, something that is a cardinal sin in my view. I never ever talk on the cell and drive. I forbid my sons to drive and talk on the cell with me in the car. I never allow it, ever. Yet now, every time I am in the car on my way home, I call someone to keep me from being sick. But it doesn't really work. I still feel sick.

After work I came home and then, I went and got Sarah and her parents. I took them to the park down the street for a bit and then took them back home. Same reaction. Heading home made me ill.

I don't know why. Dread maybe, of coming home. I don't have anywhere to go and no one to see. This is my home. . . was my home. I sit here looking around and listening. It isn't home anymore. I don't care about it anymore.

A Fool Returns

I told y'all he'd come back! He did. The Prince1956 of fools sent me a second invitation to be his wife! What an idiot! He can't even read English.

You know, I think this nut is Arab. His site looked like it. So, if America is such a great Satan and a bunch of infidels, why don't you folks leave our women alone? Particularly this one. I'm not interested in any society that views women as property and inferior to men.

He's blocked now.

Monday, March 9, 2009

The Well Read. . .

I got this from Jilly’s blog and it looked interesting. Here’s what she said.

The BBC believes most people will have only read 6 of the 100 books here. How do your reading habits stack up?
Look at the list and put an 'x' after those you have read - even those you've read more than once! Make sure you delete my X's! When you've finished, tag 10 people to do it too, and put your total at the bottom.
OK fellow bookworms, let's fight dirty!

1 Pride and Prejudice - Jane Austen
2 The Lord of the Rings - JRR Tolkien X
3 Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte
4 Harry Potter series - JK Rowling
5 To Kill a Mockingbird - Harper Lee X
6 The Bible - X
7 Wuthering Heights - Emily Bronte
8 Nineteen Eighty Four - George Orwell
9 His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
10 Great Expectations - Charles Dickens X
11 Little Women - Louisa M Alcott X
12 Tess of the D’Urbervilles - Thomas Hardy
13 Catch 22 - Joseph Heller
14 Complete Works of Shakespeare X
15 Rebecca - Daphne Du Maurier X
16 The Hobbit - JRR Tolkien X
17 Birdsong - Sebastian Faulk
18 Catcher in the Rye - JD Salinger
19 The Time Traveler’s Wife - Audrey Niffenegger
20 Middlemarch - George Eliot
21 Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
22 The Great Gatsby - F Scott Fitzgerald X
23 Bleak House - Charles Dickens
24 War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy
25 The Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy - Douglas Adams
26 Brideshead Revisited - Evelyn Waugh
27 Crime and Punishment - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
28 Grapes of Wrath - John Steinbeck
29 Alice in Wonderland - Lewis Carroll
30 The Wind in the Willows - Kenneth Grahame
31 Anna Karenina - Leo Tolstoy
32 David Copperfield - Charles Dickens
33 Chronicles of Narnia - CS Lewis
34 Emma - Jane Austen
35 Persuasion - Jane Austen
36 The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe - CS Lewis
37 The Kite Runner - Khaled Hosseini
38 Captain Corelli’s Mandolin - Louis De Bernieres
39 Memoirs of a Geisha - Arthur Golden
40 Winnie the Pooh - AA Milne X
41 Animal Farm - George Orwell
42 The Da Vinci Code - Dan Brown X
43 One Hundred Years of Solitude - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
44 A Prayer for Owen Meany - John Irving
45 The Woman in White - Wilkie Collins X
46 Anne of Green Gables - LM Montgomery
47 Far From The Madding Crowd - Thomas Hardy
48 The Handmaid’s Tale - Margaret Atwood X
49 Lord of the Flies - William Golding
50 Atonement - Ian McEwan
51 Life of Pi - Yann Martel
52 Dune - Frank Herbert
53 Cold Comfort Farm - Stella Gibbons
54 Sense and Sensibility - Jane Austen
55 A Suitable Boy - Vikram Seth
56 The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zifon
57 A Tale Of Two Cities - Charles Dickens
58 Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
59 The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time - Mark Haddon
60 Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez
61 Of Mice and Men - John Steinbeck
62 Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
63 The Secret History - Donna Tartt
64 The Lovely Bones - Alice Sebold
65 Count of Monte Cristo - Alexandre Dumas X
66 On The Road - Jack Kerouac
67 Jude the Obscure - Thomas Hardy
68 Bridget Jones’s Diary - Helen Fielding
69 Midnight’s Children - Salman Rushdie
70 Moby Dick - Herman Melville
71 Oliver Twist - Charles Dickens
72 Dracula - Bram Stoker
73 The Secret Garden - Frances Hodgson Burnett X
74 Notes From A Small Island - Bill Bryson
75 Ulysses - James Joyce
76 The Inferno - Dante
77 Swallows and Amazons - Arthur Ransome
78 Germinal - Emile Zola
79 Vanity Fair - William Makepeace Thackeray
80 Possession - AS Byatt
81 A Christmas Carol - Charles Dickens X
82 Cloud Atlas - David Mitchell
83 The Color Purple - Alice Walker
84 The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro
85 Madame Bovary - Gustave Flaubert
86 A Fine Balance - Rohinton Mistry
87 Charlotte’s Web - EB White X
88 The Five People You Meet In Heaven - Mitch Albom
89 Adventures of Sherlock Holmes - Sir Arthur Conan Doyle X
90 The Faraway Tree Collection - Enid Blyton
91 Heart of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
92 The Little Prince - Antoine De Saint-Exupery
93 The Wasp Factory - Iain Banks
94 Watership Down - Richard Adams
95 A Confederacy of Dunces - John Kennedy Toole X
96 A Town Like Alice - Nevil Shute
97 The Three Musketeers - Alexandre Dumas X
98 Hamlet - William Shakespeare
99 Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - Roald Dahl X
100 Les Miserables - Victor Hugo

My total = 21

Cheated I am! They didn’t list the entire Tolkien series or all of Sherlock Holmes! And who in heaven would voluntarily read War and Peace? I’ve seen several of these in movie form. And some I started but they were just too boring to finish.

The Bronte sisters and Miss Austin were just so dull for me and I just didn't get them. Of course, I don't like modern romances either!

The books unchecked are books I actually chose NOT to read. I'd say there are maybe 10 that I never heard of at all.

I don't think this is necessarily a list of "must reads" but some pompous academic's idea of what the educated person would read. What? Harry Potter? Really? I don't think so. Perhaps she is a good writer. Never read her but how does reading her make you any better a person or better educated or . . . anything. My writing prof in college had The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy on HIS must read list! But he also suggested "Zen and Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" as well! I didn't rush out to read it but I've considered it a few times. Well, maybe not.

Anyway, take a crack at the list and see how you rate. I figure I'm average.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Idiots Among Us

I kid you not. They still roam the earth freely. And they find their way to my door or my site frequently.

Prince1956 just invited me to be his wife.

First, I doubt seriously you're a prince of any kind.

Second. I wouldn't insult the memory of my husband of 35 years with an internet relationship a month after his death. And not ten years with someone like you. You are a fool.

Third, I wouldn't insult my own intelligence by even considering a connection with you. Read the @#$!@#%#@$ blog, you moron. I am very careful to outline my criteria. I haven't checked your site but you've left no doubt as to your character . . . or your stupidity. I don't do stupid on a good day and you picked a very bad day.

Fourth, any idiot who would even approach a woman like me with an invitation like that is the biggest brainless wonder on the planet. I fervently pray there is NO woman that stupid.

I haven't blocked you, Lurch, because I sincerely hope you return long enough to read this. I'll block you after that.

For my friends who don't know what Lurch is, look up the Addams Family t.v. program and check out the butler. He's a real charmer, too.

Saturday, March 7, 2009

This Is the Way We. . .Clean The House

All on a Saturday morning.

Sue is coming over to clean my house. That is Becca's mom. I am going to do her taxes for free so it works for me.

My house is in dire need of it. Not since the funeral has it has a thorough cleaning. I walk around and pick up things but cleaning seems to take a part of the brain that has stopped functioning for me. I wash dishes about ever other day but since it is mostly glasses and utensils, I just don't care anymore. Funny, that used to be a pet peeve when I came home from work.

Of course, I've still got fake plates that people brought for the family to use the week Jerry died and I have used those nearly every day. There are even fake utensils that I've been using. So really the dishes have only been bad when someone else came and cooked and I let them clean up the mess.

Every thing is dusty and needs a mop up too. She is a very good cleaning person. Actually gets behind the toilet! My house always smells so good once she is done.

I need to throw out a pile of stuff. There seems to be junk everywhere but when I look at it I simply stand and stare and have no idea what I am supposed to do. I am not going to be able to function like this. I have to do something but everything is too much work.

I pulled back some of the curtains this morning to allow the sunshine to come in. It is a dark gloomy tomb and I am hoping sunlight will at least push back some of the shadows. I don't imagine it will last very long but just an hour or two of sanity without having to drown myself in some project would be nice.

Already, the drop in my mood is happening. I woke up with it and have not been able to shake it. I'm really tired, as if I didn't rest or something. Those pills are supposed to insure I do. I took a whole one last night and I may today if I can't shake this.

I have to go eat too just in case this shakiness is hunger instead of anxiety.

Oh, I just want my life back. The boring one where Jerry slept in a chair while I did everything else and fussed about it. The one where I could hear him breathing. I wouldn't fuss anymore, I'd just do it.

Friday, March 6, 2009

Old Songs

I am tired. I am weak. I am worn.

The rest of the song is lost in the darkness of the storm.

What a miserable day.

No Escape

Today I am at home reviewing files. This is one of those days my boss suggested I take. Today is NOT a good day for me. Once in awhile I think I am going to go crazy with the barrage of memories, regrets, what ifs, and why didn't I. I get distracted and try to do something constructive only to be slammed again with it all.

I don't know if I have an analogy for what this is like. I can't compare it to anything really. When I was in college psych class, we studied various tests that had given insight into mental illnesses. There was one where a dog was placed in a pen with a bottom that could deliver a small shock. There was a low wall dividing this cage into two section. The floors were independent of one another also. They put this dog in there and sent a charge through the floor. He, logically, jumped the wall to the other side. No shock... for a bit. Then, they shocked that floor. He jumped back over the divider. No shock. Again, this process is repeated over and over until finally, the dog sits in a corner and never moves, despite repeated shocks beneath him. He's reached the hopeless stage where he knows there is no real escape, no real release. So, he sits, no longer even trying to get away from the relentless shocks. If left in this state, he will die because he has become hopeless and given up.

That's as close as I can come to how this feels. Shock, escape, shock, escape, shock. It never ends. There's no way out. No escape.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Broken Switches

It seems that every switch to every part of my brain has broken. When I need to think clearly, I can't. When I don't want to remember things, I can't forget. When I need to remember things, I forget. When I try and shut off the fear, I'm overwhelmed. When I try not to cry, I cry. When I laugh, I feel guilty. When I breath, it hurts.

Nothing is working right. Nothing has worked right since January 29. Every thing I was disappeared in a dark frozen night. When the sun came up, I was somewhere else, somewhere I've never been, where I don't know anyone, where no one knows me. I keep looking for the switch to open the gates. They're all broken, too.

I can't get back. I'm caught in a place where nothing is stable or secure. The ground is constantly shaking under my feet. Flight or fight is a continuous struggle in my gut. I feel as if I've been running or as if someone is lurking around the corner to jump out at me.

I'm going to bed. I'm suddenly very tired.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

As Deep as A Grave

I finally figured it out last night. I lay in the dark and truly listened to the sound that has been bothering me so much for weeks now.

It is the sound of nothing, no sound of life, as if all life is shut out. As I lay in my bed, I could almost feel the darkness close itself around me. The house creaked and snapped as the dirt settled over the top of it.

I used to love silence.

Monday, March 2, 2009


My doctor says all my numbers are perfect... except my BP. I've been issued a diuretic. Y'all know what I'll spend the day doing tomorrow? And it is recertification day.... 160 people in 4 hours for six case managers.

He wants me to continue the Xanax but half in the morning and a whole one at night for the next two months. I agreed but when I tried a half one on Saturday, by noon I was feeling it. This is not an anti-depressant. I'm not depressed. There is no dark cloud hanging over my head. I've known severe depression and this isn't it. But it could lead to that.

So, I'll take the drug for now. I do not like mood altering medications. I don't believe in taking them for extensive periods. This particularly med is very addictive they say and I would think so. You don't worry on it. We live in a society where worry is killing us.

I realize now that part of Jerry's worsening depression problem was another symptom of his heart problem. I can't go there now but so many things have become so very clear where his health is concerned and I can't believe that some of the doctors he was seeing never connected these things. He saw the pill pusher about every two or three months. No heart scan for a guy who kept saying he was tired all the time and needed B12 injections? Why would you give those to him all the time and not check to see why he was tired? Did she check his b12 levels? My doctor is doing that. Why didn't she?

I'm going to ask for copies of the medical records and talk to an attorney. I want to know exactly what kind of treatment my husband got or didn't get.

Anyway, physically, I'm probably fine. Watch my diet, exercise, and take the meds and I'll be fine. As long as I don't think a whole lot. My BP is a problem and has been for a while. Not excessively high but not where it should be. I am genetically predisposed to High BP, diabetes, and heart disease. {sigh} And I did aerobics and exercised faithfully for 30 years. So, don't tell me it is all about exercise.

Getting ready to go to bed now. I hope you are all doing well. Please say a prayer for Roselynn. She is going through a difficult problem right now and is also looking for a job. Anyone job hunting probably knows what she is facing there.

Do I feel better? For the next five minutes maybe I will. Or maybe the next 12 hours. I don't know.

Some Days . . .

You just don't want to get out of bed. I didn't feel at all well or rested this morning. I kept having dreams of Jerry walking down the hall, smiling at me or coming around a corner, smiling at me. He was always smiling at me. I even dreamed he was lying next to me with his arm across my waist. I could actually feel the weight of his arm. But I woke up.

I'm glad I've had no nightmares but maybe that's because the reality is nightmare enough. I don't know if these dreams are better. I felt terrible when I woke up, not better. Even my neck hurt again. It hasn't in weeks. I have a doctor's appointment and a mammogram after lunch so my afternoon would not have been at work anyway.

I haven't taken the Xanax this morning and I am hoping I can drop the morning one. I get so sluggish around the middle of the day and I can't think clearly. I have to keep my mind clear. My job depends on my ability to process lots of information. If I keep overlooking things or not doing this correctly, I'll have more troubles.

I haven't even eaten this morning. I'm not hungry. I've had coffee and that's all. Nothing looks good or sounds good. I did eat yesterday -- two meals. So, I don't feel like I'm starving myself. And with my blood sugar disorder, it won't hurt to shed the weight.

It is odd, when I was younger and had no children, I didn't eat a lot and I weighed about 60 lbs less! Jerry and I had one big meal a day and he worked and I was at home. I usually had a sandwich for lunch and that was it. I just never ate a lot until after the kids came along and I had to fix three meals a day. I still kept my weight down until I started college. Then, I got less exercise and ate things that weren't really nutritional. And I got "fat".

I have to go now and get ready for the two appointments. I've spent my morning doing nothing. I have no interest in anything. I read the blogs and posted something else but actually, I just feel as if my mind is empty. It is a unique feeling and one I do not like. I'm wasting the time I have left... that's how it feels. The Bible says in two places to "redeem the time". In other words, don't waste time, make wise use of your time.

Here is one:

Ephesians 5:15-17 (King James Version)

15See then that ye walk circumspectly, not as fools, but as wise,

16Redeeming the time, because the days are evil.

17Wherefore be ye not unwise, but understanding what the will of the Lord is.

More Reports on Guardasil

I did several post on this vaccine last year and have been watching for further information ever since. This morning in my email I found these reports. If you have a daughter you want to get this shot for, please do your research first. I have a granddaughter and I dearly hope she never takes this medication.

Maybe I'm just stupid but I can't believe anyone would give a medication to their children without asking for information on side effects up front. I do this each time a doctor wants to change my medications. And since the internet, I look for clinical studies on them. It is in the clinical studies that you find out exactly what happened to people while it was being studied on humans. Be advised, there is even some of that information that is not released.


Sunday, March 1, 2009

The Week Begins

We just got home from church about an hour ago. Mike with me. I wasn't sure I was going to be able to stay. It is so difficult going to that seat and sitting there and Jerry isn't there next to me. So often he'd fall asleep sitting there and I'd be so embarrassed. I'd poke him. I just couldn't understand why he couldn't stay awake at times.

Tonight, I thought, I give anything in the world to be embarrassed if it meant he would be there next to me. And I'd give anything if the all the good memories would flood me as easily as the bad ones do. I have 35 years of memories and most were good ones. Yet, the last three years of our life together have been fraught with his pain and suffering and my frustrations and anger and those are the things that haunt me. The only ghosts in my house are of my own making.

A dear older lady in our church who lost her husband probably five or six years ago came over and spoke to me and said how glad she was to see me there. I just crumpled and said, "I don't think I can stay." She knelt beside me and said, "Oh yes you can." She talked with me a long time about her own experience when she lost her husband and she prayed for me.

I do have a good church. Several ladies came and prayed for me a bit later and of course, I believe in prayer. And I know there is no quick fix. Grief is like exercise. It only gets easier with time. God doesn't heal grief, he comforts. This morning while I sat in the morning service my Bible fell open to a passage I had, at some time in the past, marked in red. I do not recall when or why I marked it. I only mark passages that have special meanings or importance to me. Anyway, here is it.

Lamentations 3:22-26 & 31-33

22It is of the LORD's mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not.
23They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness.
24The LORD is my portion, saith my soul; therefore will I hope in him.
25The LORD is good unto them that wait for him, to the soul that seeketh him.
26It is good that a man should both hope and quietly wait for the salvation of the LORD.


31For the LORD will not cast off for ever:
32But though he cause grief, yet will he have compassion according to the multitude of his mercies.
33For he doth not afflict willingly nor grieve the children of men.

A Sunday

With chocolate sauce? No. Just a cold day. I went to church today and found myself frozen, not just with the chill outside but the one inside. Inside me. Everyone was so sweet and caring. They hugged me and prayed for me and just let me know how much they care. But I was like this huge block of ice.

I sat where we always sat. My aunt called a little while ago and asked why I didn't site somewhere else as I had planned to do. I couldn't. That is where Jerry would have wanted to sit. I didn't know where else to go.

And I stared at the wall where he often stood during the worship service. In my church, people will often move out to the front and the aisles to worship, some to sing, some to close their eyes to pray, some to stand and raise their hands and just offer praise,and some to lose themselves in a dance of joy. Jerry always found his spot along the wall with some of the other men and sometimes he'd clap his hands and sometimes he'd raise them. Sometimes he'd take Sarah if she was with us and she loved being where the action was. She's a little worshiper, you see. But I watch that spot and there was no one there. And I tried to see it but it was just a blank wall and I was too.

I don't remember much of the service, actually. I had taken that medicine and by about halfway through I needed to sleep. Mike and I stopped for lunch and then I came home and he went to his house. I don't think Mike is comfortable here in the house. He said last night he can't sleep here.

Anyway, I'm going for now. I think I will go snuggle under warm blankets and nap for an hour.

You should all go read my sister, Roselynn's blog. It is much more positive than this and I found it quite amazing. And encouraging for her.