Monday, March 2, 2009

Some Days . . .

You just don't want to get out of bed. I didn't feel at all well or rested this morning. I kept having dreams of Jerry walking down the hall, smiling at me or coming around a corner, smiling at me. He was always smiling at me. I even dreamed he was lying next to me with his arm across my waist. I could actually feel the weight of his arm. But I woke up.

I'm glad I've had no nightmares but maybe that's because the reality is nightmare enough. I don't know if these dreams are better. I felt terrible when I woke up, not better. Even my neck hurt again. It hasn't in weeks. I have a doctor's appointment and a mammogram after lunch so my afternoon would not have been at work anyway.

I haven't taken the Xanax this morning and I am hoping I can drop the morning one. I get so sluggish around the middle of the day and I can't think clearly. I have to keep my mind clear. My job depends on my ability to process lots of information. If I keep overlooking things or not doing this correctly, I'll have more troubles.

I haven't even eaten this morning. I'm not hungry. I've had coffee and that's all. Nothing looks good or sounds good. I did eat yesterday -- two meals. So, I don't feel like I'm starving myself. And with my blood sugar disorder, it won't hurt to shed the weight.

It is odd, when I was younger and had no children, I didn't eat a lot and I weighed about 60 lbs less! Jerry and I had one big meal a day and he worked and I was at home. I usually had a sandwich for lunch and that was it. I just never ate a lot until after the kids came along and I had to fix three meals a day. I still kept my weight down until I started college. Then, I got less exercise and ate things that weren't really nutritional. And I got "fat".

I have to go now and get ready for the two appointments. I've spent my morning doing nothing. I have no interest in anything. I read the blogs and posted something else but actually, I just feel as if my mind is empty. It is a unique feeling and one I do not like. I'm wasting the time I have left... that's how it feels. The Bible says in two places to "redeem the time". In other words, don't waste time, make wise use of your time.

Here is one:

Ephesians 5:15-17 (King James Version)

15See then that ye walk circumspectly, not as fools, but as wise,

16Redeeming the time, because the days are evil.

17Wherefore be ye not unwise, but understanding what the will of the Lord is.

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