Friday, March 6, 2009

No Escape

Today I am at home reviewing files. This is one of those days my boss suggested I take. Today is NOT a good day for me. Once in awhile I think I am going to go crazy with the barrage of memories, regrets, what ifs, and why didn't I. I get distracted and try to do something constructive only to be slammed again with it all.

I don't know if I have an analogy for what this is like. I can't compare it to anything really. When I was in college psych class, we studied various tests that had given insight into mental illnesses. There was one where a dog was placed in a pen with a bottom that could deliver a small shock. There was a low wall dividing this cage into two section. The floors were independent of one another also. They put this dog in there and sent a charge through the floor. He, logically, jumped the wall to the other side. No shock... for a bit. Then, they shocked that floor. He jumped back over the divider. No shock. Again, this process is repeated over and over until finally, the dog sits in a corner and never moves, despite repeated shocks beneath him. He's reached the hopeless stage where he knows there is no real escape, no real release. So, he sits, no longer even trying to get away from the relentless shocks. If left in this state, he will die because he has become hopeless and given up.

That's as close as I can come to how this feels. Shock, escape, shock, escape, shock. It never ends. There's no way out. No escape.

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