Friday, March 27, 2009

Gloomy Fridays

Friday rolls in again. I am at work and want to go home. In a few minutes I am going to get off and get to work on files. I've been working for the last hour but stopped to take a moment and post something. I've slept better the last several night since I've been taking my muscle relaxant and the Doxepin. Gone in minutes when I lie down. That's good.

Thinking isn't so good. I am one of those people who relives things over and over and it is a curse. I see and hear them repeatedly. I know that what I am experiencing is post traumatic stress and I really don't know how to stop it. Does it go away on its own? A lady at church said I must stop feeling guilty but I don't know how to do that either. Everyone can say it wasn't my fault, I didn't do anything wrong, I did everything I could. Only I know where I failed. I know, no one else.

I know what I should have done, should have been doing and I didn't. Because I was so wrapped up in hurt and disappointment and failures that I couldn't see what was happening. And he didn't tell me anything. I should have realized he couldn't climb the stairs to see Sarah. Nothing else would have kept him away. But I didn't see it. I should have realized he couldn't walk far because he couldn't breath. I didn't see it. I never even looked that hard. I had just given up trying to see anything because he never listened to what I was saying. At least it seemed like he wasn't. But maybe he simply could focus on it enough to understand. I don't know about that either.

Back to work for me before this degenerates into a crying session. I wish I could forget a lot of things.

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