Friday, March 13, 2009

Companions to Grief

There aren't any.Well, precious few.

I am working at home again today and I haven't even started. I had a hard time getting to sleep last night. I am going to have to take the medicines early I think. I called my doctor and the nurse called and said they will let me know if they want to change the medicines or if I can just take it earlier in the afternoon.

I am having the most trouble in the late afternoon and early evening. I am just panicky and more stressed. I don't take the medicine until nearly 9 so I can sleep but that hasn't been working well. I don't won't to go to bed too early cause I just get up earlier. I get up just in time to get ready and get to work so getting up earlier will only mean I am sitting here in this empty house longer in the morning.

I never see anyone but Mike. My sister comes by when she is off work at the same time I am but that is usually only once a week. My other son is around somewhere. He needed a ride to the park the other night so I got to see and talk to him then.

I went to church on Sunday but it is so difficult. And people don't really want to talk to the woman with the dead husband. I think about two people spoke to me Sunday night when I got to church. So, I just left the building as soon as church was over.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not someone who has to have crowds oooohing over me. And I don't go to church for the people.... good thing, too. But you'd think people would actually care about the people who sit on the pews! The pastor has always called when we missed church. When Jerry died three people that I know about from the church called aside from the pastor and assistant pastor. I don't know who was at the funeral. I'm grateful for those who made the effort to be there and I think there were several but it wasn't about them. And there was ice everywhere and people had no power. But that's been a month and a half ago.

This is what is so stupid to me. I've had a couple of people say, "Now you call if you need anything." Helloooo, I'm the one with the dead husband. You call me to lift me up and encourage me. I shouldn't have to call you to say "talk to me, please so I can forget for five minutes!"

I only continued going to church there for Jerry. In fact, for the first two years, I didn't want to go there at all. He loved it and I do love the pastor and the services are wonderful. But frankly, in a church of a couple of hundred people, I can list on one hand the number of people who even speak to me when I am there. And those people do say they love me.

I live 15 miles one way from the church. There are several churches closer to me. That should tell people something about me. At nearly $4 a gallon we still drove there to church.

I had a conversation with a person from the church a week after the funeral where I related something about myself. They looked at me and said, "I had no idea of that about you." I wanted to say "Really? Wonder why that is?" This was not someone I rarely see or say hello to. See, I do say hello. I even stand in the foyer and look around me after church Well, I used to. Recently, I've stopped bothering.

Maybe I don't get involved enough. I work five days a week and Saturday is my only day to get caught up at home. But when I did the church paper for six year and worked on the monitor system, it was no different.

I think the problem is that I don't belong to a clique. I'm the wrong size or my teeth aren't white enough or straight enough, or my color matching is off somehow. Someone told me once that I looked too smart! LOL, really. Can't remember who that was or where but they said people don't want to talk to someone who looks like they are very smart. That's so stupid that I suspect it is true.

Tell me something, is it me or are church families actually supposed to converse? I grew up in a small church where I adored everyone and they adored me. I talked with every person in the church and if I didn't they wanted to know why. It was a small town and a small church. But I've been many places since then and I've watched the trend. So, what has happened to the church? Or have things changed since I grew up?

I live 12 hours from all of my family. I get a call every single day from someone in my family... long distance is free for most of us now-a-days. They call to see how I am or just to tell me about their day. I suppose they feel they have to do this? No, they do it because they love me and are concerned. And you know what, when I hear from them so often, I feel I should actually return the calls! I want to know how they are!

Imagine that.

I guess I feel uncared for by the "saints". Let me see. "Pure religion and undefiled is......" anyone care to finish that scripture? It is in James 1:27.

Pure religion and undefiled before God and the Father is this, To visit the fatherless and widows in their affliction, and to keep himself unspotted from the world.


What hypocrites we are. That or I'm just not a member of the family.

O.k., I've had my whine and I'm now hungry so I'll go have the cheese. I'm feeling much too sorry for myself and that leads to depression - which I refuse to add to the rest of my troubles.

I promise not to run everyone down so much. You really do find out who cares when trouble comes your way. I do not know how I would have made it without my family and my friends here and at work. I know you think it may sound crazy but just getting a single note from someone is so comforting. Someone thought about you. Someone actually cared enough to say so. Thank you.

And I'm sorry if I've neglected any of you during all of this. I'll try and do better. I don't want to be one of those who passes by when someone is in need, who can't be touched by another's grief or pain.

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