Whirlwind

Out here on the ledge, life does strange things, not always good but not always bad. What's happened since August? Things have been busy and I have had no time to post to this journal. What writing I've done has been in other areas.

I started going to church closer to home. It has been a good decision. I've been able to go more often, almost every service. The later service times gives my body time to adjust and the joints time to warm up. And although the service is longer, there is only the one and the evening isn't exhausting.

The doctor put me on Cymbalta for pain. It was immediate relief. For the last month, I've had very little pain. I am not as fatigued as I was and don't have the associated brain fog.

I've been very busy the last two weeks since my granddaughter's mother moved back to town. We're still friends, even though my son is no longer married to her and having company is actually nice. She's waiting for housing to come through and until then, I actually have someone to visit with.

Mike got second job and seems to be doing well. I'm really proud of him.

I've been reading more since I'm not a zombie. But I am off track with the writing. I'm hoping this week things will settle down and I'll be able to get back to it.

Now that I've updated, I'm going to bed.

Surprise!

Yep, I'm back. Been a while, hasn't it? Over a month, in fact. I wish I could say I'd been doing something constructive but I haven't. I did go on vacation to Branson, MO two weeks ago with my aunt, uncle, and sister. We had a great time. I only had a couple of days where pain was a problem. Fortunately, the resort had a hot tub I could use for a bit and it helped. I also remembered to bring medicine to help with the pain. So, my trip was not bad at all.

Once I got home, of course, things took a turn. I worked a couple of days and my pain escalated. Had four days of lower back pain and sciatica. I think the sitting for hours aggravated it.  And because it hurt so bad, I had to sit even more. There were a lot of storm fronts moving around but despite that, only the back gave me real trouble.

This week has been better but I go back to work on Wednesday and I'm going to be there for half a day. I'm concerned that I'll have another flare up with my back. We'll see. Sitting is hard on your back.

Tomorrow I will start painting my bedroom. Mike came and helped me move the furniture out on Saturday and I've spent the last two days deciding on the color. I'm not totally happy with my choice but I'm going to live with it. I will start painting in the morning. I've got the windows taped and may do that first as they are the most tedious. I have to sand the wall where I've patched 20 years of holes. I must have moved pictures around a lot. I couldn't believe the number of holes. I still have a few to patch but I simply was too tired to bother with those high up. The downside is it takes hours for the spackle to dry. It may interfere with my painting.

Writing has not been happening. The back was so bad I couldn't even read. I simply sat in the recliner, not good for bad backs either, by the way, and watched Peyton Place on YouTube. I couldn't believe I found that! And it was actually pretty good. I've gotten bored with it this week but it sure took me back to my childhood. I watched it with my Mama. I wasn't even 10 yrs old when it went off the air. I felt like I was with old friends. Since I have very few friends, it was a nice feeling.

My youngest sister is in the hospital this week. She's going through some bad times right now. If you pray, please say a prayer for her. It looks like they're going to keep her for more than a week.

That's it I think. I wanted to write for a bit to see if I still could. This blog seems to be gradually fading away. I seem to be here less and less. Although I don't have a ton of readers anyway, it has been a great form of therapy for me. I'd be in a loony bin after Jerry died if I couldn't have written down what I was going through. Maybe I did. I still wonder sometimes. My life was turned upside down and poured out into some great black hole and I've never really escaped. Maybe, in reality, I'm in an asylum and all that has happened since is in my head.

Did I mention I've been a bit depressed? I think it is just because after my trip I had to come back here, to this empty house. Sarah is away for the summer with her Dad. She's having a blast. I can see in the photos she is enjoying herself. I'm happy for her.

And that's enough of that.

Tomorrow comes early. Of course, it will take me two hours to catch up.

What Are You Doing Here?

I got up this morning with reluctance. I so wanted to sleep in for a bit. I was just so tired. But I dragged myself to work. 

When I arrived they stared at me and asked why I was there. I stared back. Today is my monthly furlough day. I wasn't supposed to be there. After my initial confusion and annoyance, I came home. The damage was done. 

I've been sitting in the chair all morning, first reading my devotional, praying, and then just reading stuff online, news, blogs, ads, email. I don't think the devotion time was a waste nor the prayer but the rest of it was a wash. I could have been doing the bank reconciliation or taxes. So, I am frustrated with myself because I would have felt better had I been able to get that extra hour of rest and I might have been able to actually accomplish something. 

I think I'll take charge and go do the bank stuff now. I hate doing it. I'm never happy with the results. Taxes won't be much better.

I think I will also attempt to get some writing done. Maybe that will give me some sense of accomplishment.

Dance of the Hausfrau

Today is a wet, gloomy, chilly day. The last three days have been wet but it usually warms up by noon.  I don't expect the whole weekend to be any better. I'm not going to get flowers out again before the 1st of June it appears. I wanted to do it today but I just don't see how I can. Next Saturday, the 18th will start my vacation. I'll be in Florida for four or five days and back by Wednesday. So maybe I'll have time then to do them then. I am going to get them into the flats to germinate. I can leave them on the patio while I'm gone.

I thought Saturday would never get here. It felt like the longest week. However, I am glad to report that I am so much better than I was week ago and if I remember how I felt the first week of April, I'm not the same person. Lord have mercy, I never want that virus again. 

When I woke up on Thursday, it was the first day I did not feel like I'd been hit by a truck in two months.  When I came home on that evening I thought, I'll sit down and read and relax. I fixed supper for Dave and I and showered. When I finally sat down I read in the den for about a minute and passed out. It was around 6:30. That old couch I kept is the best sleep machine ever.

I woke up at 9:30 to a ringing phone. I sat up on the couch saying "Hello? Hello?" I thought Jerry was in the next room for some reason. Once I got my brain working I got up and got ready for bed. I was in bed by 10:30 and I think I went to sleep within a few minutes. I worked on Friday, still tired. When I got home I lay down again and napped for about 20 minutes but I sat up way too late last night so it didn't really matter I guess. I am hoping this is the end of it. 

I have not had a lot of joint pain with the virus. I have had headaches and terrible neck pain. I quit taking the acyclovir, I think on Wednesday. I was really sick on Monday and had a headache all weekend. Something said, "Stop taking the antiviral." I thought about it and finally decided the voice in my head probably knew more than I did. So I stopped. Headache went away and neck pain got better. And by Thursday, I almost felt what passes for normal for me. 

My house is so dirty. I've been sick for two months and things are really in a bad way. It will take me weeks to clean it and I suspect the last few days of my vacation will be spent here, trying to clean it up before I go back to work. 

Now, I'm going to have to get dressed and wade into the mess. I really need a cleaning lady. Haven't found anyone yet. First I need to get ride of a lot of junk. But I won't get it done sitting here. I'll see how long I can hold out before I have to stop.

A Quick Update

More Wasted Days

I had about two good days after I saw my doctor and it has been mostly downhill since. I'm so tired and today I've had a headache all day. I am taking my second Imitrex now and hope that will get rid of it. I came home as tired as if I'd worked for two days with no break. The only bright spot is I may have defeated the sinus infection.

I don't know when it became such a chore just to put one foot in front of the other. I can't remember. I don't want to do anything. Even sleep is not good. I wake up as tired as I was when I went to bed. I'm tired of it. I just want to sit down and never have to get up again.

I go back to the doctor the last week of the month. I'm supposed to go on vacation beginning the 18th. I don't know if I will be able to go anywhere. I can't see sitting in the car for 12 hours feeling like this. It just isn't worth it.

Days pass and I don't know what I've done. I don't accomplish anything. I've been working on a shawl for two weeks. Last night I had to pull out five rows of work. I only had about 4 rows left but I did something wrong and didn't realize it until I reached a place that simply did work right. I had to back track visually and figure out what went wrong, rip it out and now I'm working on putting it back right. Normally, it wouldn't be a big deal but it is now. I don't have time to waste repeating work. What brief moments I have of clarity and strength I have to use for what must be done. I can't waste time on hobbies.

I looked at the yard and found a whole section that wasn't cut. So, now people want to cut the yard but only what they don't have to get off the mower to cut. I'll have to be the one pushing the old mower and using the weed trimmer for the places the rider doesn't reach, I suppose? This is ridiculous. Where did the real men of the world go and how did I end up with a bunch wimps? I'm embarrassed to say these people are related to me. I refuse to call them men. I've had nothing but trouble over the yard for years. They are the laziest human beings I've ever seen.

Enough whine. Another waste of time.

Little Green Men and Conquered Mountains

The week started relatively lousy because I seem to have caught a cold on top of my other maladies. The virus I've been battling seems to be getting better but what I thought might be allergies turned into something ugly. I think I now have a sinus infection. I don't know if I can throw it off myself or not. It doesn't seem to be getting worse, is markedly better than initially, but I don't see it improving over the last three days. Seems that now it is just taking up residency in my sinuses and ears. I believe it is alien in nature as all the signs point to little green men. Yeah, I know. Gross.


As you may or may not know, we have to do front desk duty for three hours, one day a week as we only have a part time receptionist. Her last day was today. Now we'll each be doing desk duty two and half hours every day. On Tuesday I was on my rotation and a person came on and wanted to know why she had not received her letter about her name coming to the top of the waiting list. She had been passed because we sent her letters and she didn't respond. She showed me a change of address and stated she had moved. I asked her if she'd turned it in and she said, "I'm giving it to you now." I explained it was too late to do it now. I even called the Admissions office and they told me to tell her to put in a request for a hearing. Knowing that she only missed her time by two days it was a good chance she'd be reinstated and allowed to start the process. As I began to tell her this, she ripped up her paperwork, threw it through the opening in the plexi-glass into my face and told me to keep my @#%@^ mess and walked out. I stopped talking and let her walk out. Gee, that's too bad.

Wednesday was move briefing day and I simply felt lousy. I didn't get a lot done in the afternoon because I was just miserable. However, on Thursday, I decided to turn on my ITunes and see what I could find to listen to. I figured if my mind was occupied then I'd be able to work a bit better. I was right. I listened to podcast of a minister that I listened to years ago on the radio. It was so good and I enjoyed it so much. By the end of the day, I had done a lot more work.

This morning when I got in I put together the folders I completed yesterday and then got to work at my desk. I pulled up ITunes and  found some good preaching podcast by Ravi Zachariahs. I stopped only for lunch and listened to it all afternoon.  I had a really productive day! I did 13 recertifications and that's a boon for me. I returned all my calls on top of that and talked to a couple of crazy people without breaking a tooth. Seriously. Ok, that was unkind. They weren't crazy. Disturbed maybe. 

I was able to finish the week feeling like I was on top of the mound of paperwork rather than it on top of me. Despite the little green men... it was a comfort.

A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood

What a beautiful day it has been, if a bit cool for my liking. Right now at 5:50 p.m. it is 56 degrees and sunny. 
It was, however, perfect weather to do yard work. Mike and I got out and cut the yard with our new riding mower and all I can say is I wish I'd done that years ago. This huge yard is just too much to cut with a push mower. When I was younger, the exercise was good for me. It would still be good for me when I have good days. In recent months there have not been many. And I am saddened at how many times Jerry struggled to do while keeping his bad heart a secret.

Good news: Let me just say I feel about 100% better than I have in the last three months. I don't know what is in those pills but it is amazing. I think I mentioned that she gave me acyclovir, an antiviral med used in the treatment of shingles, herpes viruses, and chickenpox. I have none of those. They think I've had a recurrence of Epstein Barr. Which I never remember having at all! But she wasn't even positive of that. I believe EB is a herpes simplex related virus so I suppose it makes sense to take a med used to treat HS. I have to take it twice a day until I see her in two months. 

She also prescribed DHEA, an over the counter supplement. There are all kinds of information pro and con but my extremely low cortisol count was her reason for having me take it. I'm to take 5-10 mg but all the bottles I found were over 25! That's crazy. So, I'm cutting it in half and will talk to her about getting a smaller dose bottle. 

However, something has been a shot in the arm, at least today. I'm alert, virtually no pain, no anxiety, lots of energy, and well, just really good. If I can have this everyday I'll make it.

Now that that is done, I'm getting off and and working on my new crochet project.  A pineapple patterned shawl that I found online. It is going to be teal in color. I'll have to post it on Ravelry. I don't go there much but I do have a page. If you're a crafty person, it is a good site to meet other people who share your interests. 

Hope the rest of you have a really good weekend! Oh, had a response for  one of the jobs I sent a resume on. It is a local state job. They say they want me to complete some additional information as I appear to be a qualified applicant. {shrug} We'll see.

Another Manic Monday

I was on my way to bed actually, when I thought I'd better post something. I went to work this morning, put my behind in the chair and basically worked myself to a frazzle. I'm tired.

What is a frazzle? I mean, I've worked my fingers to the bone and worked my self nearly to death. But what is a frazzle? Who thought that up anyway?

I've been sick as a dog for a month. I'm feeling better this week and I am praying that it last. But how is being sick as a dog worse than being as sick as I was? If a dog had been that sick ... he'd be a dead dog.

I love the language.

Moving on.... I didn't get to my actual work until after lunch. If this continues I'll be a month behind before the end of the month. I asked if we were replacing the receptionist. He said he was meeting with the ED in the morning to discuss some things and he thought that would definitely be on the agenda. Well, I hope so! Because now, we will each be on the phone a whole day ever week and we'll have a meeting three to four days a month, we'll be answer all our call, filling hundreds of pieces a paper a week, several hundred files, and processing all that paper coming in. Not to mention trying to meet with ever person who wants to tell you about their nasty neighbors.

I've applied for two jobs. I don't know exactly what they are but similar to what I'm doing. I'm praying for them to pass me over if this is not what is best for me. I don't want another job that will kill me.

Oh! I'm taking an online creative writing class and I'm really looking forward to this. I had signed up for Forward Motion, another writing clinic that lasts over a year. But I simply could not get into it. I was a few weeks into it when this sickness started and now I'm abysmally behind. Forward Motion is an ongoing writing class so I can try again.  The new one is a university class and is a series of video/audio lectures taught by Brian Sanderson. The class last several weeks. Your supposed to write 50,000 words in 4 months. LOL, piece of cake if I decide to write. I may just listen and take notes. Doesn't matter really. I'm not adding any pressure to it. Fortunately, I'm doing the 2012 class and it's recorded.

Anyway, very busy writing. I told my friend, Doug, today that I was no longer beating myself up about what I'm writing. I'm writing and that's what counts. That's what I want to do. I started the new blog and I feel good about it, if a little intimidated. It is different and I can already tell it is going to be a different way of writing. I'm not sure I'm going to have a lot of creative control. Frankly, I'm fine with that.

I got the notice that the Library let me reserve the room for my writing group on the 27th. We're meeting and talking about Character and Story Arcs. I like the monthly meetings on a Saturday afternoon. I am more relaxed and really enjoy it much better.

Keep me in your prayers. I'm moving things in my life and that is always hard and sometimes painful. While I am better, I'm still not over this sickness. I still get unusually tired over simply duties. I over did it Saturday and paid the price Sunday. I want to be better by the weekend because David has a friend coming to town he wants me to meet.

Once again, I'm up too late! Night!

Time, Time, Time

I'm really miserable. Tired and feel as if my insides are bloated. This is apparently not unusual as liver and spleen can swell. I will probably have to call my doctor if this isn't better in the a.m. Although, i really don't know what they can do. All my research indicates nothing can be done. 

The next question is how long? Depends on who you ask. Everyone knows someone who's had it and it varies from a couple of weeks to months. I don't have months.

And speaking of time shortages. Our front desk person just turned in her notice. She'll be gone the last day of the month. We are now down to four case managers, one inspector, on inspection clerk and one admissions person. There is absolutely no support staff. We will be doing it all, phones, filing, copying, mailings, interviews and processing the information. I can't do it. Really. There is no way we can do it. 

I've sent out two applications. I ask only that you pray for me to find the right job, whatever it is. I've sat up too late doing this but at least I've done something.   Only time will tell.

Moving the Rocks on the Ledge

I got to work on time. I'm not where I was last Wednesday, but I'm still battling some fatigue. Not as much. I've got some dizziness as well. One ear is really ringing. So why one ear? I have congestion in my head, so maybe that's it. But wonder of wonders... very little pain elsewhere. Praise God! Dealing with one thing is way easier than a half dozen.

I'm job hunting. No, they didn't lay me off. In fact, I just got my evaluation and my job performance was 100%. However, he gave me an 85 for my attendance. Don't know why since I'm only out on vacations and if I'm sick. I've had a lot of issues this year with illness, but I use the sick time I'm allotted and I only get two weeks a year. And I usually have sick time to take so if I was abusing it, how could that be? Of course, this is the same person who can't figure out how to fix a paper jam in his printer.

I'm working on my outlook. I've been so busy feeling awful that it's pretty hard to see anything but gray skies. I watched some video's this weekend by Beth Moore. I've got one of her books and I really love it. She's a Christian speaker, and she's amazing. Anyway, I watched a video When Life has you Paralyzed. I have to say it was meant for me. I've also been reading a book called The Secret Place. Both have been what I needed to hear while I was sick.

I'm also about to limit my extracurricular activities to things that matter most. I am spreading myself too thin and doing things that do not push me in the right direction. That's got to stop. A lot of things are just excuses not to do something else. Mostly, I am trying to change myself and surround myself with the things that build me up. I realize that this means removing things.

There is so much that is empty in what we do, what I do. I don't want that anymore. It is making me unhappy. Some of my "fun" things are a waste of time and really going nowhere. Some things I think I have to do are boring and really unnecessary. Some things I'm doing out of habit are time stealers. And I don't like my job anymore.

So job hunting. Removing the bad habits. Stopping wasting my time on dead-end pursuits. Will I accomplish them all? If I can get one thing done, I suspect it would help with the others. We'll see.

I'm going to try a go to the Y two or three times a week. That's hard for me because I'm really tired in the evenings. It will cut into internet time but that's one of those dead end things so I'm trying to reorganize how much I spend there. I've done less mindless internet stuff this past week than usual. So, I've started. We'll see.

Writing is a priority. I'm working on doing more but not hard enough. Rather than talk about writing, I want to write. The blog may morph again soon or I may start a new one with a different goal. Lots of ideas churning around because I couldn't do much but sit and stare out.

The title I thought sums it up. I'll be posting the usual about Life here on the Ledge.

Plethora of Miscellany

I'm home today. I took two vacation days off from work because I haven't got enough time to be sick. I'm still sick. But I did sleep until nearly 9 today. I'm going to lunch in a minute.

I'm considering job hunting. I need to call around some places first and see how that's going to hit me financially. It will be a huge drop in income. And benefits. I've got 5 weeks of vacation a year, 14 paid holidays, 2 personal days a year, and 2 weeks sick time per year. I will lose all that and take probably a 50% pay cut. Not to mention, a retirement plan that they pay 8% a year on. I really need this job but this job is a good chunk of the problem. And it is going to get worse with staff cuts.

Here's what we think is happening. We believe they are trying to force people out so they can restructure the jobs with less benefits, less pay, and fewer people. In a this kind of job, if all staff in one job leave, they can re-post those jobs for less money and benefits. Our agency is a high performer in with HUD. This means we're never late on our submissions to HUD. That's what you want to be. However, if you cut staff, your ability to stay at the high levels decreases exponentially. During a recent meeting with the ED, I specifically asked what happens if we're so short staffed we can't continue as a high performer. I pointed out with the promised cuts in staff, that would probably happen. The ED said, HUD would step in and administer the program. That means everyone in my department would be gone completely. HUD would come in, take over, at no cost to the agency, and then at some point, the agency could restructure the department and rehire at reduced administrative cost.

If you google corruption in federally assisted housing, you will find it is a highly abused program. Across the nation agencies are consistently misusing funds and those in charge are frequently the culprit.. This is to the determent of those receiving the assistance as well as the people employed. Having worked in the industry for 15 years, I can tell you, fraud is not that hard to detect if there are checks in place to flag it. But honestly, it is an easy system to manipulate if no one watches.  Here's a HUD report of how prevalent the problem is. http://www.coburn.senate.gov/public/index.cfm?a=Files.Serve&File_id=641349c1-4667-4c9b-9bf9-1ec5b52ccd5d

And past scandals abound: http://www.downsizinggovernment.org/hud/scandals

So, maybe it is time for me to consider something else. I would so miss the luxury of all that time off. I'd be working more for less. I don't know if I can do that. Not anymore.


I'm still having trouble with exhaustion, dizziness, headache, muscle pain, joint pain, ringing in my ears, and anxiety. I've been going to bed 9-9:30 nearly every night. I sleep. I'm better the first four hours of the morning and then I come crashing down. I may have a few hours in the afternoon when I feel o.k. but I generally get very sick in the afternoon.

This has been going on for a month now, progressively worse. This week... on Sunday I told the boys I felt like I was dying. They weren't happy with the assessment. I'm not thrilled either.

So, what to do. Nothing. If it is fibro, there's nothing they can do. It is RA, there's nothing they can do. I see my RA doctor in two weeks. I called my primary and they'll see me today at 2:15 but I'm suppose to go to the bank at 3:30 and close on my house! We'll see.

Did I mention I went to the Y with Dave on Tuesday night? I managed 30 minutes on a bike. I had leg cramps that night and the Wednesday. No, I didn't use resistance. I just got on and peddled at a leisurely pace while reading.

I am hoping to get my head clear enough to writing some over the weekend. I simply don't know. It has been such a nightmare for weeks trying to do anything.

Now for lunch. I should have time to go grab a salad before my doctor's appointment around 2. I can sit and read for a bit maybe. I'm already feeling tired and I've done nothing.

A Patch

I've reached my limit. I've had a horrible month. I anticipate this time of year being difficult for me but I expected more around the first of the year, the anniversary of Jerry's death. I was so busy it slipped by unnoticed for a week or more. So, I guess it just caught up with me.

Instead, in the last two months, I've simply been on the slippery slope where I was physically ill with a variety of things. In February, I had a rash on my ankles and legs that I have no idea what caused it but that cost me several nights sleep and a trip to the urgent care. I had pain in all major joints, was unable to walk without limping for days, was not sleeping well, even with medicine. I had increased ringing in my ears, more lost sleep, coughing, sneezing, and now, pain in my hands.

 I've been struggling with pain in my hands the last couple of days that was so bad I was having trouble working. I do tons of data entry. I write. My hands are my living. And they were in bad shape. Tonight, they are better. I asked people to pray for me and I started putting some medicine I use on other major joints on my hand. I still have pain but not nearly as bad. I am hoping by tomorrow that the pain will be gone.

And then there has been the last three weeks of overwhelming exhaustion that had me barely able to get through a day at work without falling out. Some days I had to simply find some place and put my had down because I was so tired I couldn't hold it up. By the time I dragged myself home I was in tears because I was so tired I couldn't bear it. It is a tired that you can't begin to imagine. No, you can't. I can't imagine it either. And when I lay down I could not rest. Things hurt.

The sheer volume of what I'm dealing with has become unbearable. I simply can't take it anymore. The proverbial brick wall lies in shambles from the impact. And when my mind starts reasoning that what I'm doing is not living, but dying slowly, in pieces, then I know I'm in a bad place. It is a road I've traveled several times and it ends on a ledge overlooking a bottomless pit. You're too tied to do more than stare down into it and think about how very easily it would be to just close your eyes and lean over and let go. It isn't going to get better.

I came home from work today and took Ativan. They prescribed it for me when Jerry died. I was on it a couple of months. It is amazing stuff but I stopped taking it after a while because it is highly addictive. I have enough problems without an addiction. I've taken them a couple of times since then, for about a week at a stretch. But I still have maybe 25 pills. Tonight I started again. This is the point at which addiction is a very minuscule issue.

No, it isn't a fix. I've decided nothing can be fixed. It's nothing but a patch.

Hi Ho, Hi Ho.... Ho Hum.........

I'm back at work today and just as I suspected, the work was lying exactly where I left it! However, I am not very motivated to deal with it. 

I do not feel .... I don't know what I feel. I'm tired and I want to go back to bed but I slept fine. I got up when the clock went of. I don't hurt especially bad anywhere, just the usual aches that virtually never stop. I'm just tired and that's probably a bad sign. If you get enough sleep you shouldn't be tired. Right?

For breakfast, I ate a bowl of grits. They were hot, soft, and buttery and a lot easier on my stomach than anything else I could think of to eat. Good grits are nearly the consistency mashed potatoes without lumps. Grits should never, ever have lumps, feel sandy, or be watery. They should not be the consistency of Play Doh^(c) either. I can't explain it. I just know how to make them.

For lunch, I'm thinking a salad. I don't know if that is what Carolyn wants but if not, I'll go alone. I am not very good company either anyway. 

Tonight I think Dave has Sarah for a while. Not sure. She's been doing really good with school again and she is in after school care for a couple of hours because her mother went to work.

I am going to try and work on the novel again. I've been working in fits and starts. Mostly arranging things to get a logical sequence of events. I kind of know what that is. I've had to stop reading the stuff too much and just write a synopsis onto the index cards on the cork board so I can sort it by summary.

Graphic Courtesy Google - I'll put one of mine up once I make it.

What I'm doing looks a bit like the graphic to the left. It is the cork board view. One problem I had was that I had not written synopsis notes on the cork board index cards for each scene. I had done it for some but not most.  Incidentally, you create the note cards in that yellow space on the top left of the graphic. It is called Synopsis. Duh. I discovered that not writing as synopsis is actually a handicap. You don't have to do it. It just makes things easier if you do.

How does it make it easier? Well, because my story is a jumbled mess of scenes it makes it hard to know what goes where. I can move sections around easily but I needed an overview. 

There is an outline feature but I was not getting anything helpful when I pulled it up and had no idea how to get it to work. The graphic below is what that looks like when it is created correctly. When I tried to view my outline of the novel to see the sequence of events, the center column, the synopsis section, of that colored area was fairly blank. 

I found that when I did a summary of each scene in the synopsis section, it showed up in two places: on the index card on the cork board AND this synopsis section filled in! This has helped enormously.

Once that is done, I hope I will be able to see where things don't fit and move them. Moving them is as easy as drag and drop. Then, I can rewrite things. 

Now, I've spent a lot of time on this and if you don't use Scrivener, none of that will make sense and today... I just don't have any interest in explaining it. Suffice it to say that the writing program I am using is awesome with lots of bells and whistles. 

Out of Pocket

It is shaping up to be one of those weekends where I'm out of pocket for most of it. We have Sarah here but my laptop is doing things that scare me. So, I'm restoring it to factory settings and starting fresh.

Even before I had to put it in the shop it was acting up and it is getting worse. They tech said I had a root kit that he had a hard time getting rid of so, I'm going to assume the damage is a result of that or that something else was missed. Hey, even he said it was nearly impossible to get out. This means I'm going to just clean the slate.

What that means in terms of other stuff is that I won't be doing it. I've been working on doing some back ups, particularly my writing stuff. My only back up drive has problems of its own so I have to be sure things are actually backed up before I clean anything off.

I lead a crazy life. No one wishes they were me.

The ideas that my lunch with Doug stirred up will have to remain ideas. I've been making notes on a note pad but I really want to try something he suggested in getting the characters organized with who, what and why. I think it will make it much clearer. It did over lunch.

For any who love and adore me, few though you be, email still works on the desktop. You know, I have fewer problems on my desktop than anything else. I used to do all my writing there. And, if truth be told, I did more writing! Perhaps that is the answer. Use the desktop for all writing and only use the laptop when I have to be away from home. I still like being mobile but if it is actually hindering the writing, then I need to rethink it.

May your Saturday be sunny and fun, and your pockets be full.

A Brain in a Box

Thursday dawned... well, it got light out. Gray skies, a rather half-hearted rain, and freezing cold greeted me when I raised the garage door. Yikes! Into the breech.

I went to work. Things are backing up and they are beginning to intimidate me. I hope tomorrow will be a day that I'll get it all organized. I didn't get a lot done in the morning but my continued exhaustion is wreak havoc with my concentration.

I had lunch with my friend, Doug today. He's a brilliant friend, is Doug. You'd really like him. When the opportunity to have lunch with him arises, I'm thrilled. Fortunately these opportunities seem to arise when I'm having knotty problems with my story. Doug is the king of disentangling knotty story problems. Really, I don't know how he does it but it is as if he has this laser vision that cuts through layers and layers of tangled story. You hand it to him and suddenly, in minutes, lunch was only an hour remember, he hands you back the core of the story you were looking for but couldn't see. I left lunch with my prize, a brain in a box! Yep, Doug gave me a brain in a box and it is going to revolutionize my story.

No, really.

Seriously, it will.

Sigh. OK. So, it's only going to get me out of a corner that I boxed myself into when I introduced the box. Wow... it isn't a pun but it should be. But Simon is going to love this box. When I tell him.

The afternoon was much brighter, at least, in my mind. That brain in the box was a nice motivator. Staying focused was much harder but I managed to get more work done than I originally anticipated. But there's still piles.

I'm so tired and it is really silly to be sitting here writing a blog post. I can barely think straight and when I read this it sounds ridiculous. But that is what I do.

Car Slushies and Random Escapes

The sound of rain falling is just outside the study window. It is freezing cold, too. When I left work at five someone had poured a slushy all over my car and it clung it in clumps. Did I say it was freezing? Honestly, if the sun had been shinning I think it would have felt warmer but because frozen water was everywhere it felt like I had been transported to the North Pole... at least pretty close to it.

As a result of this lovely little front that pushed in with its frozen treat, I acquired a raging migraine. It started small, just before lunch. I thought lunch would make me feel better. It didn't. By two I had to take an Imitrex. At 4, I got very ill. That is what Imitrex does to me. I get sick before it gets better. It is now 8:45 and I still have a moderately bad headache and my nose is now stuffy. So, I will have to take something for the sinus issue and hope the head stops pounding. I will not sleep well with this headache. My neck is not good either but that is typical with these headaches. Thankfully, they have become much sparser in the last couple of years. I hope the trend continues. 

I enjoyed my little weekend getaway a lot and I am going to have to start doing something like that when I can. It was enough to break my sense of imprisonment. 

Did I say that? I suppose it is true. When Jerry died he left me stranded in a place where I have no family but my sons and granddaughter and one sister, who is also trapped. She has no one but us. In the current economic nightmare we call an economy, although there is nothing economic about it, you can't just up and leave a perfectly good job because you want to break out. So, random escapes may be the answer.

Bake me a cake, will ya?

A Mish Mash of Maundering Melodrama

There are days when I totally forget my goal to post something every day. I've been going to work like a slave, plopping my butt in the chair and staying there until a specific amount of work is done. It is paying off for the moment but I don't know how long I can keep it up. I'm exhausted by the time I get home. And I'm annoyed because it has interfered with every plan I've made.

The only positive to this is that if I can do what I'm planning, I will be better off than I've been in a year. So, say a prayer that I can finish the items I have slated to finish by the 28th. Better yet, pray for no interruptions for the next two weeks. No phone calls, no walk-ins, no coworker catastrophes, and no boss ineptitude.

A real negative it that I've done none of the "real" writing I had planned. I'm simply too drained. I either read or I crochet, both of which requires minimal movement and occupies the brain in a way that decompresses me. Seriously, crochet is a very calming skill. You don't even have to be making anything important. A single stitch, four large skeins of your favorite color and a hook and you're set... for days if you want. If you hate it, you unravel it and make something else. When you're done, you don't remember what bugged you and you have a beautiful, warm wrap for the cold winter evenings with your favorite book.

I used to do quite a lot of crochet when the boys were small but got away from it. When Jerry died and I was cleaning out the closets I found this huge basket of yarn and some unfinished stuff. I also found one of those large popcorn tins filled with thread. So, I dragged it all out and once I started I realized that grief could be managed if you're under the influence of crochet. And now I'm making things like sweaters and dresses and shrugs! LOL, Sarah has at least 10 shrugs of various colors. A dress is nearly finished. I've made a friend a throw, am working on a afghan for Sarah, and another throw for someone else. It works.

Digression end.

But, no novel work and that ticks me off.

I leave for Atlanta Saturday. It is a six hour drive for me. I will return on Tuesday and go back to work on Thursday. Wednesday is a day of rest. David will be here while I'm gone. So, the house will be occupied by a 224 lb male with hands that can twist the head off a bull should you be so stupid as to break in. I once saw him shoot a mouse hiding beneath a chair in a lamp-lit bedroom with a pellet gun from 15 feet away. I told him he couldn't do it. He hit is twice and killed it. With something the size of a BB! He hit it twice! Oh, get over it. The mouse was trespassing. But while he owns no other firearms, he does have some other lethal weapons... silent ones.

Just sayin'.

I hope to relax during this jaunt. I'm carrying my Kindle, my laptop, crochet and my writing calendar. I need to just do the things I enjoy without anyone demanding something. My aunt and uncle will respect that. I'll have company and privacy. And she's a really good cook. . . with a dishwasher. I'll even load it!

The steroid course I was on has ended. I have had about three weeks without much pain and a brain that is operating at near normal levels. This week the hip is bugging me again. Not much, just reminding me that it is biding it's time. My back is really bothering me but I think this is because I've spent nearly a week sitting all day. I get up to talk with a client, check the mail, send a fax, return or get a file. I am in the very back of my office building. I have the longest jaunt to the files and front door. So I do get some activity. Some days I hate that walk to the front and will make the trip a dozen times before noon. On the plus side, if someone comes in and goes postal, I have the quickest escape route. The back door is just outside my door or I can shatter the window and step out. My car just 50 feet away.

I have no idea where that came from but it is always in my mind. We deal with some potentially unstable folks. Doesn't everyone these days?

I hate Valentines Day. I'm glad it is over.

Monday is another "holiday". I hesitate to call President's Day a holiday. It is not a Holy Day. It more aptly called an "honor day". I like that much better. I save my Holy Days for things that are truly worthy of the title.

And now, I'm going to bed. I've no idea what to call this post and recently read somewhere that titling blog post was a wasted effort. But I like catchy titles and I usually come up with good ones. Well, I think they're good.

Flight of the Week

I don't know where the week went. I've been so busy at work that I simply turned on the auto pilot and let the thing fly itself. We've landed, safely, at the weekend. I'm actually feeling physically better since they gave me the steroid. I have no idea what it has done to my blood sugar or triglycerides but I'm not thinking about it at the moment. It is nice to have practically no pain at all and feel as if I'm in my right mind for a change.

I've got plans. I work Monday and I'm off Tuesday. That will leave three days in the week to push through. They will be horrendous days of shoveling massive piles of files from one side of my desk, by way of entering the data into the computer, to the other side of my desk.

 On Monday night, the 11th, I have an Online Writers' Asylum meeting That's always fun. Agenda is sent out already.

On the 16th I'm driving down to Atlanta to visit my aunt and uncle. Monday, the 18th, is another holiday and I took Tuesday and Wednesday off. So, I'll stay until the 19th and come home on the 20th. I'm going alone. Dave will have Sarah that weekend and I'll miss that but he's got a friend who will be in town with her two little girls and they'll be doing things together. It will be good for both of them. And he needs to have time with Sarah to himself because he needs to know how to deal with it.

Then, I'll have Thursday and Friday to try and make up for the five days I didn't work. Just in case you didn't realize it, February is already a very short month, as months go, in regard to the kind of work I do. I have approximately 15 days in which to process what normally takes a full 30 day month. So, this will be a feat to rival the Augean Stables. Just so you know, I am not Hercules.

I've been messing around tonight trying to get my home network back online. I can do it one way but not the other. I mean, I can see and access files in my shared folder from the desktop but I can't do the same from the laptop. I think some settings still aren't right, despite the repair. As soon as I can sit down and make sure I'm backed up on the important stuff, I'm resetting everything to factory settings. I'd like to do it this week but if you read over the previous paragraphs you will realize that it is probably not going to happen. Then, I think I'll upgrade to Windows 7 while I still can.

On the 16th I was supposed to meet with a group of local NaNo writers who want to start meeting once a month. Then I realized I had this trip to Atlanta and so I've had to push that back to the last Saturday in February.

Compared to this past week, I suspect that the coming week will reach Mach speeds. Next flight is boarding now. Buckle up.

Reaching The Pinnacle

Tuesday, second day of the work week when we look with relish at a past Monday and longing toward an approaching weekend. I basically envision myself climbing this steep cliff, hands bloodied, nails broken, gasping for breath and stretching to grasp the pinnacle of Wednesday and drag myself over the top so I can roll down the gentle, grassy slope to Friday evening.

I'm contemplating how on earth I can skip Wednesday and just get right to that slope.

Whatever. Week is not half done but I am.

I noticed the ticker at the bottom says I've topped 20,000. What? No trumpets? No parade? No ticker tape? No balloons, streamers, or cheers? Well.

Still, I like seeing stats. One thing I noticed right away was that my post from 2008 "A Little Bit of Gun History" had hits. This may seem random but if it does you live in a cave. I actually didn't remember writing it and had to do read it. I found it interesting but then questioned my sources. Really.

It has been a horrendous week for the people of Connecticut. And probably for most of the nation. I've avoided all news but a minimum number of articles reporting it. I'm not watching videos, tributes, and reading interviews with survivors. I have a six year old grand-daughter. I can't be dragged into the hell these parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and siblings are living. I simply can't. I see a shinning, smiling face with sparkling eyes of a bubbling little girl that holds my heart in her hands. I am totally incapable of dealing with this horror because her face is superimposed at every mention of this horrible disaster. The promise of Christmas has been obliterated for the survivors and there is no fixing it. I can only pray for them, pray for us all.

I still have no tree up. No decorations, either. I moved things around over the weekend with the help of my sons. We put the freezer in the garage. I am amazed at how much of a relief that was! I need it but it is such a nuisance to have in the house. I still have to clean out a closet for David. I'm planning on doing that this week. Unfortunately, the events of the weekend left me almost completely unable to move on Sunday. I pushed hard Thursday through Saturday to get this done, not stopping for much of anything. The price was pain that is not on any scale. I could barely walk at all Sunday and movement of any kind was misery. 

I bought stuff for our Christmas dinner. Thankfully, I have the weekend to prepare so it shouldn't be such a rush. I have to put up any decorations soon or I might as well not bother.

May I be perfectly honest? I really, really, really do not like holidays anymore. Truly. Even though I enjoy Sarah's excitement and pleasure I truly find them unbearably painful and tedious. I don't have anything to celebrate. I'm thankful for my family and my home and my job every day of the year but the memories I have of holidays are all bad and getting through November to February is just very hard.  

We don't even bother much with gifts anymore. I mean, I usually give the boys their gift in the form of money weeks before the holiday, at their request. They buy what they want. No one but my aunt generally buys me anything, maybe my sister who lives here, but other than that, I don't unwrap a thing. There is no one special for me to buy for but Sarah and I do that all the time anyway. So, in essence I'm putting myself through a grinder for nothing. It is very disheartening when all the things that sparkled and shone in your life is pretty much tarnished and rusted out and you no longer feel important to anyone. 

And with that, I'll stop. I have an hour to get my work done. It isn't enough. But tomorrow I will reach that pinnacle, Wednesday. I'll bandage the hands and drift down the hill... one hopes, to the weekend when I'll be off four days, work one and be off another four days. For that, I am truly thankful.