Cleaning Closets & Coming to Terms

Ah, children! Fall arrived with a whisper. The days gradually cooled, and the nights became cooler. The last month I've had so much pain I hardly noticed. 

But yesterday I woke to find I had so little pain that I felt refreshed. That allowed me to get small things done. Yesterday was a good day. 

This morning, I woke hurting all over and found a light rain fell during the early morning hours, explaining why I felt so bad. It's taken hours to feel functional, but the sun is shining now, so  I'll take it. 

Mike came over to do his laundry and is napping on my sofa. I didn't realize how bad his sleep apnea was until the weekend trip to Ohio. He's worse than me, I suspect. 

I'm coping with the stresses of Sarah being gone, but it has been difficult. The house is simply hollow without her, and I have times when I hear her down the hall or I feel that I need to get her to bed. That's probably the worst.  

I'm isolated to an extreme degree. No one comes here, but Mike and I can't go very many places with my suppressed immune system while Covid is still a genuine threat. I want to go to church so bad and may try this weekend. It isn't just the virus. I have trouble sitting or standing for long periods. My back and legs are still a problem. 

I have figured out what is causing the severe leg pain. My hips and legs have hurt so bad for months now and I've tried everything to get relief. I could barely walk most days. This week, I went into commando mode. The doctors keep blowing me off, so I used one of my topical meds that I don't use often. There is risk associated with Diflonec, but my pain levels became unendurable. So, I started plastering my hip and lower back with this medicine. 

Hips are difficult to medicate this way. Unlike knees, the hips are deep in the tissues and are a socket in addition. Getting topical meds to the affected areas is nearly impossible. In the past, I found that by putting one foot on a stool, the rounded part of the hip joint is more pronounced. So, I propped my foot on the toilet and put the medicine on and all around that area on each leg. I also do the area to either side of my lower back, closest to the hip. I have been doing it three to four times a day and wearing a Diflonec patch on my back at night. The pain is better, but at some point they're going to have to look at this for a better solution. Or I'm going to be in a wheelchair in terrible pain.

I've done no writing, focusing instead on getting rid of stuff. I have to work in small time spans and focus on a specific area, but I've cleared out some drawers. I must completely gut the closet in the spare room and organize that room. As I'm cleaning things in other rooms, if there is something I need to keep it goes in the spare room. I also need some shelving in there for my sewing and crochet items. At the moment, they're all over the house and I want them centralized. 

 I'm attempting to get rid of clothes I've finally decided I'll never be able to wear again. At some point, I have to just let go, give up. Things will not change. I'm never going to be a size 14 again. I'm never going to be 25 again. I'm never going to be me again. I have to learn to live with this body, this age, and who I am now. I don't like her much but, as I always say, it is what it is.

An unexpected disappointment came up this week. I brought my family dining table home from Mikes. We put it up but must not have tightened the leg enough. I had to move it and messed up the bracket. Getting a new one has proved impossible, so my only recourse is to have a metal worker create a new one. One is $125 and 4 is $150. Since I have neither amount, it isn't happening. I have to move it back to Mike's where he'll store it for me since he has room. I so wanted it up, but perhaps it is time to give up on it. Solid oak and 32 yrs old. No one is interested in it, and I have no family left to sit around it. I think it is one of the most difficult decisions I have to make. So many memories of meals, holidays, and game nights. I can get by with a tv tray but that table. We were so happy around that table. 

I suppose I should stop now. As I read back over it, I can't find anything that could interest anyone but me. And that's doubtful, too. I never thought of my life as exciting, but there was a place, a point in time, where things happened. Fun, exciting, and frightening. Life happened and I feel as if I missed it. I remember walking down streets in Frankfurt, Germany and feeling as if I was in a dream. I was, I think. Did it really happen? 

In case you had not noticed, I'm a mess. I'm broken in some way I can't comprehend. I can see it, and feel it. I'm not sure how or exactly where. I just know I have no way to fix it. 

I hope you have a wonderful weekend. Make the most of every moment, right now, while there's time. Living life on the ledge isn't always fun, but you'll make some wonderful memories along the way. 

It's a Ledge But It Isn't Life

As I leaned against the bathroom wall this morning I don't think I've ever been so close to wishing I was dead. I don't ever put that into words anymore. I think we've all done it at some point in our lives, when we were young and didn't really see the value of life. We were stupid and just said what popped into our heads. But I stopped saying things like that a long time ago. Words have power. 

Today, I'm close. The pain is in every joint. Nothing is helping. I spent the next several hours lying in a chair trying to sleep. 

I don't know how I'm going to get through the next five days like this. I don't know how I'm going to get through the next five hours. I've tried to figure out what I did to deserve this kind of torture, because it is torture. It feels like your joints are being cooked from the inside, slowly. The cramps in my legs from the knee pain make lying down uncomfortable. And my neck, while it may look ok, is not. I can't sit in certain positions, like reading or crochet angles, so I'm constantly shifting for something that minimizes the pain and doesn't make my neck and shoulder go numb. I'm not reading or crocheting these days for more than minutes. That spreading numbness is very scary.


I've looked for all kinds of answers and I'm pretty tired of the effort. I really don't want to do it anymore. I've finally realized that there are no solutions. None.

What is even more frustrating is that I can't seem to get anyone to understand that there is nothing anyone can do to fix it. It is like talking to three year olds. They either think, because I'm up walking around that I don't have a problem or because I managed to get to work, I must be o.k. People seem to refuse to believe there isn't some magic potion to make you better. There isn't.

And I have to say when you are in pain, people tend to say the stupidest things, as if you haven't frantically searched for something that will help you. Yes, I know they mean well. Yes, I understand they are upset by my state. Yes, I do appreciate it. But to spare me any further pain of dwelling on the hopelessness of it please educate yourself on my disease. Google the hundreds of pages I've Googled. 

"Do you need to go to the hospital?" No.I can't afford it and they can't do anything anyway.

"Did you take something?" No because there is nothing else I can take. I am allergic to an ingredient they put in the medicines to treat the disease. That allergy will kill me if I take it.

"Can you call your doctor?" No. My doctor knows my condition and nothing has changed.

"What about .....?"  NO!

"Or .....?" NO!

"Maybe if you ...." NO, NO, NO!

Stop it already. 

Believe me when I tell you that in the middle of the worst pain, I've sat sobbing over Google looking for something that will fix it. I've read medical reports and articles, I've talked to other people with the disease. I've researched alternative medical sites. I've read junk science. It can't be fixed. There is nothing I can take. There is nothing I can do. There is nothing you can do. There is no place to go, no one to see, and no one to talk to about it. You can't help me. I can't help me. The doctor can't help me. 

So, I leaned against the wall, waiting for the water to get hot and said, "This isn't living. This is living death. And I don't want to do it."

I was surprised I meant it. 

A Patch

I've reached my limit. I've had a horrible month. I anticipate this time of year being difficult for me but I expected more around the first of the year, the anniversary of Jerry's death. I was so busy it slipped by unnoticed for a week or more. So, I guess it just caught up with me.

Instead, in the last two months, I've simply been on the slippery slope where I was physically ill with a variety of things. In February, I had a rash on my ankles and legs that I have no idea what caused it but that cost me several nights sleep and a trip to the urgent care. I had pain in all major joints, was unable to walk without limping for days, was not sleeping well, even with medicine. I had increased ringing in my ears, more lost sleep, coughing, sneezing, and now, pain in my hands.

 I've been struggling with pain in my hands the last couple of days that was so bad I was having trouble working. I do tons of data entry. I write. My hands are my living. And they were in bad shape. Tonight, they are better. I asked people to pray for me and I started putting some medicine I use on other major joints on my hand. I still have pain but not nearly as bad. I am hoping by tomorrow that the pain will be gone.

And then there has been the last three weeks of overwhelming exhaustion that had me barely able to get through a day at work without falling out. Some days I had to simply find some place and put my had down because I was so tired I couldn't hold it up. By the time I dragged myself home I was in tears because I was so tired I couldn't bear it. It is a tired that you can't begin to imagine. No, you can't. I can't imagine it either. And when I lay down I could not rest. Things hurt.

The sheer volume of what I'm dealing with has become unbearable. I simply can't take it anymore. The proverbial brick wall lies in shambles from the impact. And when my mind starts reasoning that what I'm doing is not living, but dying slowly, in pieces, then I know I'm in a bad place. It is a road I've traveled several times and it ends on a ledge overlooking a bottomless pit. You're too tied to do more than stare down into it and think about how very easily it would be to just close your eyes and lean over and let go. It isn't going to get better.

I came home from work today and took Ativan. They prescribed it for me when Jerry died. I was on it a couple of months. It is amazing stuff but I stopped taking it after a while because it is highly addictive. I have enough problems without an addiction. I've taken them a couple of times since then, for about a week at a stretch. But I still have maybe 25 pills. Tonight I started again. This is the point at which addiction is a very minuscule issue.

No, it isn't a fix. I've decided nothing can be fixed. It's nothing but a patch.

A Day of Clouds

Saturday has begun swathed in clouds. I'm hoping it doesn't rain. I'm going to get Mike in a bit and try to finish the last four rows of sidewalk. Then, flower beds I hope. My potted flowers never to be in deeper soil soon. I want to plant more once I get them sorted out.

I woke with a very sore neck and shoulder. I thought I wouldn't be able to hold my head up it hurt so badly. I truly do not know what causes that. I sleep better when I can sleep on my sides but I feel worse because the pain builds to excruciating levels. Sleep study really should be done, I think. Once they see how bad it is maybe they can offer some constructive advice.

I have done precious little writing anywhere, as you probably know if you've been checking. I wouldn't blame you a bit if you'd moved on and forgotten me all together. I've been over on FB and G+. I really like G+ because the items posted tend to be more educational and not so much silly chat like you find on FB. Still lots of family is on FB so I'll stay there to keep in touch.

The week seemed rather long even though I only worked for three days! Maybe because I worked so hard over the long weekend. But the walk is looking very good. I'm pleased with it. Just want it done now. Must get some mulch I think to line the edges. I've got ground cover that will help keep weeds out. I'm going to do that and then add new lights. No reason for stupid people to break them now.

I am hoping for a quiet day today, aside from the time Mike comes over to help with the sidewalk.

Although I have not been posting much lately I have been reading the blogs posted on my list. I read the comments, too. As I think I mentioned before I get emails of your blogs and comments. So I don't miss a thing. I can't view photos but I can read it all. I almost shut that off but I found the blogs backed up on me so this helps. I also post by email at times but since my work load in the office has doubled, that has tapered off.

Oh, my co-worker and friend, Carolyn, fell and broke her shoulder. She had to have surgery on it last Wednesday to put pins and screws in it as the bone had separated. She will be off at least six weeks, maybe more with physical therapy. So work is doubly bad right now.

The YMCA here sponsors a "fall Half-Marathon" every year and she walks in that. Walkers walk together for a couple of months to build up to the required 13 miles. She was walking home from her regular meeting and tripped on the sidewalk. She was just blocks from her house at the ball field up the road. She lives around the block from me. The sidewalk is right on a very busy street, the ball field was full of people of all ages. She fell on a very public sidewalk. No one came to see about her. No one stopped to help her up. No one even came over and ask if she was all right. She had to get up with one arm not working and walk home. She said she had a lot of trouble getting up because of that. I was so shocked I could not believe it. What kind of people do that?

I've told her it is not meant for her to walk in this thing anymore. Last year she had to have back surgery and couldn't do it. She really enjoys it but serious injury two years in a row is a bit much. I know, it was an accident but what if she'd been farther from home or knocked unconscious? She said she managed to walk to the corner bus stop and sit down to pull herself together.

I will try and post more photos of my vacation. I didn't take many. I spent my time just enjoying my family. It was so nice to see them all.

I'm away now. I need to dress and see about doing something constructive. Like pay my bills. Oh yeah, fun awaits. At least I can pay them. That's a blessing.

A Positive Outlook

I overslept. I sat up too late, as usual when I'm more or less a slug. I sat around and did nothing yesterday. Only left the house to go eat and came right back to my chair. I read off an on but mostly just wasted time. It annoys me. It is as if my mind belongs to someone else and they've taken my body hostage.

Sarah came over late and watched t.v. while I just sat. She did cut up with me a bit but mostly we both were slugs. Well, she's only 5 so it is a bit unusual for her.

Today it is cold and I'm stiff and achy. So, when the clock went off, I didn't respond very well. And now I'm feeling very guilty about it.

Because... I don't want to be this way. I want to jump out of bed, awake, feeling good, and be out and doing something that means something. I don't want to have no energy, stamina, and interest.

It is just one of those weekends where I've given hours of my life away. I know part of it is the weather but I keep feeling like it is my fault. I should just get up and move. Then, my body informs me that it simply doesn't like what I'm asking. Today, my hands and feet are bothering me but it is mostly just this tired. I was doing well most of the week. Beginning to get to bed earlier and get more, not better, sleep. I could tell it was working. I blew it the last two nights. I simply have so little time when I can do my own thing, a weekend is not enough, and so I sit up too late. Just like I did for years. Before I was given this fibro curse.

I am going to get dressed. I am going to get lunch. I am going to read something besides blogs. Maybe doing it will give me a more positive outlook.

If I can just get up.

Sunday Catch-Up

A Yawning Chasm

I fell into it. Well, it feels like I did. I woke at 8:35 a.m. to the sound of my clock telling me it was 8:35. It talks, you see. Anyway, as soon as I knew I was awake I realized I'd fallen off a cliff and was lying at the bottom on jagged rocks.

I hurt everywhere. And the sky is heavily overcast and 46F. I tried to sleep a bit longer but only managed about 15 minutes before the pain became unbearable. So, having had my coffee I find myself in my chair working on a blog.

Hands feel crushed. Neck feels broken. Knees and ankles feel hammered. Those areas hurt the most. I'm going to get a hot shower and see if it helps. I'm out of acetaminophen, took the last two last night at bed time. I will go get some more today. . . if the shower helps. I'll go sooner if not. Even my chest wall between my neck and the top of my breast feels bruised.

The plan is, after I do the accounting duties I will work on my novel. I have to find some comfortable position or this will only get worse before it clears. I'm not happy.

I could sit and crochet. The hands hurt but aren't stiff. It would only be uncomfortable, not impossible to crochet.

It is going to be a rough day if the shower doesn't work.

A Week Ends

Maybe it is just me but this week seemed to alternately fly by and crawl. Today is one of those days when I don't want to do anything and I want it to fly by. It is very sunny and 48F outside. Cold to me but I hear Europe is below zero so I'll take the 48 gladly.

I am having so much trouble with my hip hurting. It keeps catching and is painful to walk. I think the weather caused it. It was very damp and gloomy for a few days now and we are to get more rain over the weekend. This always seems to make my joints worse. My left shoulder has really been very bad and I've had to wear the pain patch on it again. It helps.

I am not as tired this morning but I didn't want to get up. I was sleeping so good and the bed was warm and cozy. Of course, once I wake it is very hard to go back to sleep or get comfortable so it probably didn't matter.

Things at home are a bit dull. Nothing much I want to do. I've read some, crocheted some, and watch t.v. some, usually while crocheting. I so enjoy the crochet. I am hoping when the weather warms up I can get back into the sewing room. It is so cold in there with no heat. I love the room. I was going to get a new heater but had to have a new sink so it will have to wait. I may go see if they still have any and if they are on sale. I could go back to the heater store and see about a really good one installed. What I have cost a couple of hundred dollars about 10 years ago. It still sells for about the same price, or did last year.

Writing. Must do the writing, too. I'm fairly over the cold so I've no more excuses except pain issues. At the moment, that isn't to terrible.

Happiness is a state of mind and it is very hard work being unhappy.  Apostle Paul said that he had "learned in whatsoever state" he was in to be content. He didn't elaborate that I can recall on exactly what technique he used. Just that he had learned it. I have learned that no matter what state you're in, it is a lot harder to be happy. That or I've not learned what Paul knew.

I have learned that I don't want to think beyond the now. I avoid thinking of the past as much as possible because it is filled with loss. I avoid thinking of the future, except on rare occasion when I start wishing for something. Neither past or future are in my reach. All I see is now. Most days it is a hollow shell. Contentment wouldn't describe it.

At least the sun is shinning.