Cleaning Closets & Coming to Terms

Ah, children! Fall arrived with a whisper. The days gradually cooled, and the nights became cooler. The last month I've had so much pain I hardly noticed. 

But yesterday I woke to find I had so little pain that I felt refreshed. That allowed me to get small things done. Yesterday was a good day. 

This morning, I woke hurting all over and found a light rain fell during the early morning hours, explaining why I felt so bad. It's taken hours to feel functional, but the sun is shining now, so  I'll take it. 

Mike came over to do his laundry and is napping on my sofa. I didn't realize how bad his sleep apnea was until the weekend trip to Ohio. He's worse than me, I suspect. 

I'm coping with the stresses of Sarah being gone, but it has been difficult. The house is simply hollow without her, and I have times when I hear her down the hall or I feel that I need to get her to bed. That's probably the worst.  

I'm isolated to an extreme degree. No one comes here, but Mike and I can't go very many places with my suppressed immune system while Covid is still a genuine threat. I want to go to church so bad and may try this weekend. It isn't just the virus. I have trouble sitting or standing for long periods. My back and legs are still a problem. 

I have figured out what is causing the severe leg pain. My hips and legs have hurt so bad for months now and I've tried everything to get relief. I could barely walk most days. This week, I went into commando mode. The doctors keep blowing me off, so I used one of my topical meds that I don't use often. There is risk associated with Diflonec, but my pain levels became unendurable. So, I started plastering my hip and lower back with this medicine. 

Hips are difficult to medicate this way. Unlike knees, the hips are deep in the tissues and are a socket in addition. Getting topical meds to the affected areas is nearly impossible. In the past, I found that by putting one foot on a stool, the rounded part of the hip joint is more pronounced. So, I propped my foot on the toilet and put the medicine on and all around that area on each leg. I also do the area to either side of my lower back, closest to the hip. I have been doing it three to four times a day and wearing a Diflonec patch on my back at night. The pain is better, but at some point they're going to have to look at this for a better solution. Or I'm going to be in a wheelchair in terrible pain.

I've done no writing, focusing instead on getting rid of stuff. I have to work in small time spans and focus on a specific area, but I've cleared out some drawers. I must completely gut the closet in the spare room and organize that room. As I'm cleaning things in other rooms, if there is something I need to keep it goes in the spare room. I also need some shelving in there for my sewing and crochet items. At the moment, they're all over the house and I want them centralized. 

 I'm attempting to get rid of clothes I've finally decided I'll never be able to wear again. At some point, I have to just let go, give up. Things will not change. I'm never going to be a size 14 again. I'm never going to be 25 again. I'm never going to be me again. I have to learn to live with this body, this age, and who I am now. I don't like her much but, as I always say, it is what it is.

An unexpected disappointment came up this week. I brought my family dining table home from Mikes. We put it up but must not have tightened the leg enough. I had to move it and messed up the bracket. Getting a new one has proved impossible, so my only recourse is to have a metal worker create a new one. One is $125 and 4 is $150. Since I have neither amount, it isn't happening. I have to move it back to Mike's where he'll store it for me since he has room. I so wanted it up, but perhaps it is time to give up on it. Solid oak and 32 yrs old. No one is interested in it, and I have no family left to sit around it. I think it is one of the most difficult decisions I have to make. So many memories of meals, holidays, and game nights. I can get by with a tv tray but that table. We were so happy around that table. 

I suppose I should stop now. As I read back over it, I can't find anything that could interest anyone but me. And that's doubtful, too. I never thought of my life as exciting, but there was a place, a point in time, where things happened. Fun, exciting, and frightening. Life happened and I feel as if I missed it. I remember walking down streets in Frankfurt, Germany and feeling as if I was in a dream. I was, I think. Did it really happen? 

In case you had not noticed, I'm a mess. I'm broken in some way I can't comprehend. I can see it, and feel it. I'm not sure how or exactly where. I just know I have no way to fix it. 

I hope you have a wonderful weekend. Make the most of every moment, right now, while there's time. Living life on the ledge isn't always fun, but you'll make some wonderful memories along the way.