Happy Endings

Another holiday finished for a year. What a month it was, too. If you've read this blog long, you know that November through February is a difficult time. In the last few years, it hasn't been terrible, but this year, that mess just blew up in my face.

Starting November 12th, 2025, I began working on a new novel. That wasn't the plan. I have a story I've been working on for a long time and suddenly wanted to write the backstory of those characters to see if it would help me. What happened is confusing and surprising to me.  

As of today, I'm at 35,991 words. That's 2249 words a day, and there were a couple of days I didn't write at all. For non-writers, that's a lot of words.

What was confusing was the emotional turmoil I experienced for the first five days. I cried every day. Every time I wrote and after stopping for any reason. I was just wrecked. It took five days to figure out why. 

My husband died 17 yrs ago this coming January 29th. It was the greatest trauma I've ever experienced. While writing the new story, around the third day, I realized that many of the character traits of the main character reminded me of my husband when we first married. The way he treated the female love interest, the attitudes, and his actions were all my husband. Even the initial meeting of the characters was a reflection of meeting my husband. With that realization, any control I had disappeared. And from that point on, there were moments I had to stop writing at all. I even fell apart in front of my son. 

I don't actually know what would have happened if I had continued without talking to a friend. They gave me the freedom to talk and to let me cry. I felt like a fool and was embarrassed, but it gave me a way to find some control, albeit shaky at best. 

Now, sixteen days in, the story is still flowing like water. I don't know whether anyone will ever read it. I don't care. Though the experience was and is traumatic, the beautiful memory of being loved and cherished is mine to keep. Jerry was the only person who ever wanted me. Maybe we find that only once. I would not like to believe that, but I do. I don't know what he saw in me. I doubt there are many men who can see that deep. 

I still have to get through finishing this story. Then I have to do an edit or two. Every time I go back to check something or read a passage, it breaks me again. How do you survive that?

I don't care. Just this once, I'll finish the story. There will be a happy ending. Something I never got. And maybe that's why this story came to me. Everyone deserves that much.

Stumbling Along

 Life throws things at you randomly to keep you on your toes. I started back working on my book, The Dream Stealer, on November 12th. It may get a new title. For the next nine days, I wrote day and night. By the ninth day, I had around 30K words. My mind was blown. I wasn't sleeping; I lost 10 lbs because I wasn't eating. I could be slimmer if I wrote day and night. I forgot to eat. 

On the second day, I cried and cried nearly every day I wrote. You write what you know and what was going into the story; I knew. And it was painful, beautiful and painful. I went into an immediate depression. I denied it, of course. I couldn't explain what was happening in my head. Until about the 4h or 5th day. 

That's when I realized that the way my character thought and behaved was very familiar to me. I had experienced them in another life. 

Who knew that could happen?

The ages of my characters were very close to ours when I married my husband. The relationship between them was so reminiscent of my marriage in those days, I couldn't stand it. A word, a look — all were like knives. I stopped watching a clock and just wrote. Hours at a time. And I cried between chapters and during breaks. 

You may ask why I didn't stop. Because I couldn't sleep. The story was like a dam break. It kept pouring in and there was no outlet unless I wrote it. So.... I'm close to 35K now. With each scene, I also get a little more insight as to why I have been so impacted.

If you could relive a moment with someone you love, even on paper, what would you do? The thing had a hold on me, and it felt as if I wrote it. Or it was meant to kill me. 

I didn't die, but I can't say I came out of the flow unscathed. I won't know until I finish it. 

I'm still working on it. Over the last four days, I've spent more time talking to friends or family. I know I have to sleep more. And I have to put the past to bed, while still keeping the memories without pain. Because the actual truth is, I'm stuck. 

Mike is waiting for an appointment with a neurologist in Indy. They have his request and are waiting for his medical records.

David is working, and I think he finally found a job he really enjoys. However, he's the strong, silent type and never says. 

Tonight, I'm out of words. Truly. It hit me suddenly in the middle of a conversation that my ability to say something had simply ended. So, I'll end this post and say good night. 

A Cold, Wet, Dark Street

Cold, wet, and dark, well, except for the security light above my head. As I pulled my collar up around my neck, I realized I should have brought a heavier jacket.

Thunder rumbled somewhere in the dark, rattling the door behind me, and the rain increased. A sudden gust pushed the drops horizontal, slapping me in the face, and I swiped at it with the back of my hand.  

The street beyond the wide sidewalk was void of traffic and I watched debris rush along the gutter, carried on swift currents, toward the drain somewhere in the dark. The waiting vortex would suck it down, into a cold spiral to a subterranean pool and from there to wherever useless things go. I suppose the ocean eventually. Someplace exotic? A fish's belly? A subduction zone, crushed and roiled into a mix of molten rock? 

Thunder exploded with a blinding flash that blew out the sensor on the light and cast me in to utter darkness. The rain became a deluge. I stepped back toward the doorway, trying to shelter against the building. The light struggled back to life after a few moments. Once restored, the glaring light made it nearly impossible to see beyond its circle. I felt trapped by it, like some bug in a glass. 

Yeah, that's what it felt like. Someone had dropped me in a glass and put a light over it. Where it was warm and dry and light reigned. They were probably sitting in a chair with a cup of coffee, feet on the desk, watching me in my damp, dark test tube. 

I sighed. Too much imagination. 

We measure our life by our success, and if we do not perceive any, we deem ourselves a failure. But perception can be flawed. Only we won't realize that until, well, until we're standing in a cold rain on a dark street, drowning. 

I'd sort of considered myself a failure at many things, but not the things that mattered. A job well done, a happy family. They were marks of success, right? I didn't have any plaques. Just a lot of photos that showed smiling success. But photos are an imperfect view of success. They're what you see at the moment. And sometimes the smiles aren't real.

The wedding photos, filled with lots of laughing, smiling people, were a prime example. Everyone there had a secret pain. A failure. Or would have before the day was out, before the week was out, before the month... you get it. 

Why is disappointment a requirement to everything? Do we really expect so much of ourselves that even a slight bump of it totally derails us? Or is it that we expect so much from our successes, more than they can deliver? And when they don't, we blame ourselves.

A streak of lightening flashed across the sky, turning the street an inky black moments later. I closed my eyes. It felt safer than that dark street. I blew out a deep sigh and opened them. The light over my head flashed and came back on. I wonder why closing my eyes felt safer. 

I sighed. Too much imagination. 

Stepping away from the wall, I stuck my collapsed umbrella out and popped up the canopy and raised the cover of bright cherry blossoms over my head, cutting off the downpour. The street seemed to lighten as the umbrella dimmed the glare from the security light. I turned and started my walk back to the real world at the end of the street. I could see the lights, cars dashing back and forth, people crossing the end of the street, not turning down this long dark one. The sounds of horns were faint but grew louder as I approached the intersection. 

Didn't seem to matter much now if I was a success or failure. I was the only one who knew the truth. Others might surmise but smiles hide many things. If you looked happy, people believed you were. If you looked successful, people believed you were. You had to walk down cold, wet, dark streets to know for sure. Most people never make that trip. They don't want to know. I was a rebel, I suppose. My laughter echoed against the buildings, a laughing audience mocking me. Well, them's the breaks. 

I stepped from the dark alley, onto the brighly lit sidewalk of the boulevard, the lights reflecting around me from the rain like a pagent catwalk, as if someone wanted to make me feel special. Maybe I was. I smiled.

What in the World?

I'm still alive, barely, but still kicking. As you can tell, I've been off this blog for a while. In fact, I haven't really blogged much in either of the other two blogs. Mainly because with Covid-19 has put a wrench in everything.

My granddaughter moved back here on March 13, and the Lockdown happened. The stepmother, they we all thought loved her and wanted her there, kicked her out and told my son to go with her. He brought her home and had to go back because he has a job in another city there. The divorce is final, and he is moving to Ohio for another job. So she'll be here for a little while.

She's dealing with some depression. There was some verbal abuse and the step grandmother was physically abusive. But we've not been able to get insurance so we can get her to a doctor for her ADD meds for school and some other health issues. Covid has slowed things down.

I have been going to Planet Fitness since last summer. I lost 17 lbs. Covid shut that down and I've gained it back. The early part of the year, I began having severe low back problems. Severe pain, unable to turn over at night, or get up without excruciating pain shooting down my legs. Some days I can hardly walk other, I am just in pain so bad I don't want to walk. I got my first lumbar injection yesterday, and I didn't wake up in agony and I could walk this morning. 

I'm homeschooling Sarah during this disaster in the making. At the moment, we're on hiatus from it, so we both get a break. She's got some academic issues but she's don't pretty good despite that. She does need her meds though, and that is a problem. 

Another thing I've been doing is editing a book for a friend. I'm really enjoying that part of writing. Although, I always feel terrible when I slash people's work apart. He's a good writer, and the story has potential with the right changes. My word isn't law. I learned, while editing for friends in college, to say that upfront. People will do what they are comfortable with and if it differs from my opinion, that's fine. I am only offering advice. And I could be wrong. I don't think I usually am. I know good writing and I know when something doesn't work. I am not editing for a lot of grammar and usage so much as what doesn't work, poor or awkward constructions, redundancy, and poor flow. It is a lot of fun but my fatigue is always giving me trouble. 

There has been little of my own writing going on, but the editing triggers me. I have done more that I was doing. I feel so good when I write, but when you can't stay awake, it is difficult to form logical sequences.

My RA seems to be stable, mostly. I am having problems with my hands though. Might be the increase in inflammation in my back triggering that. Or the weather. There's been a lot of weather systems blowing around.

Also been clearing out stuff and putting up shelving. Mike has helped a lot with that. I have shelves in the laundry room. After 30 years! I love it. Now I need to patch holes and paint it. If I can get the back working and pain free, I think I can do it. I have a new shelf in the living room for the tv to stand on, like a mantle without a fireplace. I love that and it will give me more floor space. I'm going to put up some small shelves behind the living room door for my knick-knacks and photos. There's just enough room for 4 inch shelves, and that's just the right size. This wall is the longest unbroken wall in the room and will be a focal point with photos and special items. I love the idea.

Once this is done, my smallest bedroom will be clear of stuff, and I'm converting it to a sewing room... again. LOL. I have my desk and a table I want in there. There is a single bed and so it will be close but doable, I think. I'm hoping to get some sewing done soon. I always loved it.

Another issue has been my ADD like symptoms. I can't be sure what is fibro, stress, and RA related. I'm exhausted most of the time. Not the good tired you get from doing jobs. A mind numbing fatigue that feels as if you simply can't stand up on your feet. Every muscle, every nerve, every mental process feels as if you're being dragged down by weights and you're drowning in fatigue. I hate it because it causes depressive episodes when you realize how much time you've lost.

So, in a nutshell, that's what in the world has been happening. I think I've managed to catch up a bit. I hope so. I don't even know who reads this. If you do, please give me a wave in the comments. It does matter. I share things to educate and maybe tell someone they're not alone in their despair or grief. Crazy life happens to everyone. And let's face it, I like talking. I miss that more than anything. Talk to your family, your spouse! When they're gone, you can't get that back. 

Take care. Stay safe. Be strong. God loves you. So do I.

A Clean Sweep & A Crazy Week

Don't ask me what I did in the last week. I don't think I can repeat it all, even if I could remember. From Monday onward the whole week was a mad dash. I spend hours calling about appointments to get a sleep study set up for me and another appointment for Sarah, running around on errands, foraging, and trying to get the garage cleaned out. I did a couple of hours of writing in all that, not nearly what I wanted, but better than none.

The garage was Friday's project. I expected it to take about 4 hours. It took a full 6 hours not counting the hour and a half we took for lunch. But the end result is an extremely clean garage, shelving installed, every item put away and three bags of trash out by the curb. I still have to reorganize stuff in there. I have three boxes of "thingies" that have to be assessed, put in the appropriate container (trash or storage) and a couple of items that have to be disposed of just because they've been sitting there forever and I don't really need or have room for them.

The garage project took its toll. As we neared the end of the job, my feet began to hurt terribly and I could barely walk by 6 p.m. It only got worse. By Saturday morning, my hands, feet, and knees were swollen and my back, legs, and hips hurt. Today is marginally better.

As a result of all that, I didn't get any major things done yesterday. I did finish up the blue crochet blanket, which entailed weaving in the yarn ends back into the fabric. I decided to put a border on it and I expect to finish that in a couple of days if my hands function appropriately. Then, I will try to get that mailed this week. It is a baby gift and will be big enough to use as a crib blanket. The yarn is amazingly soft. I used I Love This Yarn, from Hobby Lobby. It took 5 skeins and about two months to finish, with everything else I have going.

Now I can get back to the other afghan I'm working on. I had to lay it aside to finish the blue because of the baby due date. I also want to start a new sweater for Sarah. She needs one for days when it is too warm for a coat but not warm enough for just a shirt. She's outgrown everything I made previous. I just bought long sleeved tops this past week for her, about 9 of them. She still needs skirts. I am going to try and make her a bunch of the frilly western style she seems to favor. I need to find some old jeans her size to use for the yoke and put fabric on the bottom. She loves those.

I'm working on my short stories for the Anthology and that is not getting enough attention. While doing that, I got a glimmer of an idea for NaNo, which as you all know, begins on November 1. The kickoff is Saturday afternoon. I just hope NaNo is productive. I so want to work on some other writing projects.

The photo at the top left is of a birthday card my friend Jilly, in England, sent me. She makes them and it is simply beautiful work. It is a nice surprise to know she was thinking of me. It will be a lonely day since I don't get to celebrate anymore. My birthday isn't until the 28th, but it will be nice to look up and see the card in my work area.

Mike remembered my birthday was coming, too. He bought me a Chromecast and gave it to me early, helping me set it up. I'd been talking about buying one because the current streamer I have is just very limited. With the Chromecast, I have all the media I could want and then some. I still don't have cable and don't need it. I have to say, when Mike has the money, he puts a lot of thought into gifts for me. I always like what he gets me.

 So, there you have a summary of my crazy week. I'm going to make a pot of chilli and chill with a book I think. I'm still so tired I can hardly sit here. Sue is coming tomorrow to clean my house. I'm just too sore and tired to bother. I'm hoping to get the whole place spick and span. Maybe for my birthday, I'll have a nice clean house and the pain will have gone by then.

Day 15: Halfway to Glory

Muffy just reached the halfway point
two days early in her online write-in!

I can't believe we're already at the halfway point in NaNoWriMo. It has been an amazing two weeks filled with write-ins both physical and virtual. Seems the virtual write-ins are a hit with those bent on hitting the goals ahead of time. I've been astound by the way my and the participants' word counts have skyrocketed at these virtual write-ins.

Participation is higher as well. Will we someday see only virtual write-ins? I hope not. We all need the contact, visual, auditory, and physical to really give us a new energy to move on to the next writing session. While the virtual write-in is well suited to facilitate a more focused and more intense writing session that gives you high word counts, there is something to be said for actually meeting and putting real faces, real voices, and real names to the people on the boards.  I like my NaNo Peeps even more after meeting them.

So here we are, half way. I'm two whole days ahead! I can believe that. Honestly, it is totally due to the virtual write-ins. I am averaging 1900 words at every online write-in. I've done very little writing outside of that since I started them over a week ago, except at the physical write-ins, and word counts were lower at those. So, this week I made it a point that when I'm going to write, I log into the chat site and stay there. Gradually, more and more of the group is dropping in and they're racking up the numbers. Word is getting out that if you want your count to climb, you need to do the online write-in as well. I know it works for me.

If I can continue this pace, I'll be done by Thanksgiving. Well, I'm hoping. I'm not very vested in this story yet. I hated it after it was started, got two days behind and then when I caught up, things began to look better for the story. I don't hate it, it just hasn't jelled yet. There's a good idea that needs a lot of work. For now, just get the words down.

One big problem has been my rheumatoid arthritis. I've had horrible pain in my hands, neck, and feet. The hand issue has made it very hard to type at times. When you think about it, I'm on the computer nearly 12 hours a day, typing in some way. The meds don't seem to work well anymore and I'm resistant to trying anything else if it is only going to cause me other physical problems, like going bald. Yes, bald. At the moment, my hearing is taking a beating with the nsaids. I've got constant ringing in my ears, sometimes so bad I can't sleep. I have to use sound blockers, e.g. ocean wave sounds, soft music, etc. But it is only a patch. I don't know how much loss I've got but I suspect it is considerable. But I'm not stopping writing until I can't write anymore.

The local group has some folks interested in forming a critique group. Its still in the talking stages but something will be eventually posted on the Facebook Group page.

I'm on my way now to Panera Bread for a Write-In. I'm hoping that I can get another couple of days ahead and get some interesting things going on in the story. They're talking me to death at the moment. It is a killer to try and get word count with dialogue.

To all my fellow WriMos, hang on. You're halfway to Glory. The purple bar awaits you it you just keep writing!

Nano Day 7: The Rocky Road

So, here we are, at day 7. What to say.... I've had a rough couple of NaNo days. From Saturday until last night I was consistently behind 400+ words. That doesn't sound like much but it is about two pages of typed text, so you try it. Without a plan or anyone telling you what to write.

The problem with getting behind in NaNo is that it is cumulative. Today you're 400 hundred behind. Tomorrow you have to do the daily count + the 400 missing words. If you miss the daily count of 1667 by say, 100 words, now you're behind 500 words. You see how this can get out of control very fast. It only takes a couple of days at that rate to be 1000 words behind and that, my friends, is roughly five typed pages. That's a lot and very hard to overcome unless you are prolific.

So, last night, I caught up and passed the daily count by a couple of hundred words. Yay! But joy such as this is short lived. When I woke up this morning I realized this. During NaNo you may go to bed caught up. You will wake up behind, 1667 words behind. And you must catch up by midnight.

Depressing? Well, for a moment. But you know that you'll do it. If you want to win, you'll do it. You'll sit in the chair, turn up the music, get in an online write-in, and you'll do it. That's what I did. I did an online write-in with a couple of my NaNo buddies. I put some music on my media player, and we all did some writing together. In one hour I had my words. You kind of want to do a happy dance. But I was sitting Indian style, wrapped in a cozy, warm blanket. I just did a happy bounce and a shout or two. Today, I'm feeling a bit better about the whole thing.

NaNo tends to suck you dry a good bit of the time. Unless your story is blazing and the muse is screaming at you, you can run out of steam pretty fast. You find yourself at stop lights thinking about a plot twist or what makes the character tick while the character behind you is blowing his horn and flipping you off. You go to bed wondering what you'll come up with the next day since you just used your last idea but you fall asleep from exhaustion before you come up with anything. Or you lie awake from the caffeine buzz from all the coffee you've been drinking to stay awake so you can just catch up.

You brush your teeth and think about the look in your characters eye as he/she demands you do what they tell you but you have other ideas. You're not sure about the ax he has in his hands. You argue with people who are not there and the people who are there look at you strangely and start searching for the number to your shrink. You have one, don't you?

In thirty days, you'll begin to sport bloodshot eyes, a scraggly beard (males... well maybe), hairy legs (women....well maybe), uncombed hair, and you're wearing your pajamas every second you're home. The dishes are stacked on every surface and there's a mouse dead behind the fridge. You think the trap got him but maybe it was food poisoning. If you're over 30, you may gain twenty pounds. If you under 30, you may develop zits from the excessive chocolate.

This is the road to glory. Thirty days of alien lands, rugged terrain, dangerous conflicts, and sneaking, conniving, lying, backstabbing characters all bent on destruction. Thirty days of shining cities, searing heat, freezing cold, and a holocaust. Thirty days of silent, stagnant, boring characters refusing to do a darn thing but stare at you in the bathroom mirror as you brush your teeth.

This is the Rocky Road to NaNoWriMo Victory!

Awesome!

Lessons Learned, Now Pass the Caffeine, Please

Last night was my online writers' group and I think we all had a really good time. Lots of talking and laughing by everyone. Topic covered "magic". Basically, what is magic and how do you write it. The discussion centered around the difference in magic and science. Seemed to be a topic they all felt very strongly about and it is probably why it generated such lively discussion.

We also discussed the Roaming Paragraph, which in this instance people hated doing my assignment. Too many rules and much harder to write. However, I think it went well and the ending satisfied most of us. I always learn something from these RPs. No one else does but I always take something from it. 

What could I possible learn from the experience of the RP? Well, let me see. 

• Point of view is very crucial. Finding the right POV may not be easy but is necessary if the story is to feel right. 
• Multiple POV is a juggling act that must be managed carefully or you should stick with a single POV.
• Transitions are something a good many writers pay absolutely no attention to. They simply don't check to see if they made it clear. I think this is because it is "clear" to the writer. That's not good. So, must watch my transitions with more care. I have multiple POV in my WIP (work in progress).
• First person doesn't lend itself well to multiple point of view characters. 
• Third person works better for M-POV if the transitions are kept in check. 
• I am more comfortable writing in 3rd person POV.
• After this experience, I think I need to get rid of some of my POV characters in my WIP. Or at least, not let them be a POV charcter.
• People don't like rules. They balk and the more complex the rules, the more they balk. 
• When forced to follow rules they don't like, people may not learn from it and they'll complain that the rules are the problem. They may refuse to follow them.
• You can learn something from anything you do... if you choose.
• When you can laugh at yourself about your mistakes, they don't seem nearly as bad as they did when you made them. I made a big one at the beginning of the RP. Only one person knew and generously kept quiet. I elected to tell it. It is quite liberating admitting your faults. And it allowed everyone to laugh with me rather than at me.
• Never let a challenge go unmet, even if it seems too hard.

So, what else have I learned this week? 

I'm exhausted. I have been for nearly two weeks. I feel absolutely drained, a mind numbing tired. I'm having a hard time at work and at home focusing and doing things. It feels suspiciously like a fibro problem. I don't have huge amounts of pain anywhere in particular but I have lots of aches all over and feel as if I've not had any sleep. My neck and shoulder especially bother me.

When I'm like this, writing is practically impossible. Even doing this blog is taking far more concentration than it should. I have no idea what to write about and what I have written is simply a rambling narration. Boring. 

I do better with caffeine in me. I have to go buy some of my coffee. Mike bought coffee for me over the weekend and he bought decaf. Yes, yes, yes, I know all the spiel about caffeine. Thank you. I have one cup a day. Fibro is like a blow to the head. At the moment, and all day yesterday, I could not function well. Even felt sick until after lunch when I had a Panera salad and Acai tea, lots of it. The afternoon went much better and I felt more alert. This morning, I'm still not really very alert and it is 10 a.m. 

So, need something with caffeine? I think so.

A Brain in a Box

Thursday dawned... well, it got light out. Gray skies, a rather half-hearted rain, and freezing cold greeted me when I raised the garage door. Yikes! Into the breech.

I went to work. Things are backing up and they are beginning to intimidate me. I hope tomorrow will be a day that I'll get it all organized. I didn't get a lot done in the morning but my continued exhaustion is wreak havoc with my concentration.

I had lunch with my friend, Doug today. He's a brilliant friend, is Doug. You'd really like him. When the opportunity to have lunch with him arises, I'm thrilled. Fortunately these opportunities seem to arise when I'm having knotty problems with my story. Doug is the king of disentangling knotty story problems. Really, I don't know how he does it but it is as if he has this laser vision that cuts through layers and layers of tangled story. You hand it to him and suddenly, in minutes, lunch was only an hour remember, he hands you back the core of the story you were looking for but couldn't see. I left lunch with my prize, a brain in a box! Yep, Doug gave me a brain in a box and it is going to revolutionize my story.

No, really.

Seriously, it will.

Sigh. OK. So, it's only going to get me out of a corner that I boxed myself into when I introduced the box. Wow... it isn't a pun but it should be. But Simon is going to love this box. When I tell him.

The afternoon was much brighter, at least, in my mind. That brain in the box was a nice motivator. Staying focused was much harder but I managed to get more work done than I originally anticipated. But there's still piles.

I'm so tired and it is really silly to be sitting here writing a blog post. I can barely think straight and when I read this it sounds ridiculous. But that is what I do.

A Late Evening with the Dream Stealer

I'm headed off to bed but since I'm in a writing mood, I felt it only right that I post a short blog. Tonight was my online writers group and as usual it was entertaining. Such a nice group of friends I have and it is always fun.

However, I've been setting goals for myself the last several weeks. I spent a lot of time actually putting them down on paper, a calendar. I have to update it every weekend but that is actually helpful. Anyway, since today is Monday and I've finally reached a place where I think I've talked about it enough and filled in my calendar with my goals. I should start today.

May I have a drum roll please? Wait... maybe some soft music to set the mood. Something that builds up to the drum roll.

Where was I? Oh, the writing group closed slightly early for the evening; 8:30 is our usual time but tonight it was closer to 8:15. I did a few things, got a drink, and I sat down at my computer and opened Scrivener. I marked my time on my calender. It was 9 pm. I opened The Dream Stealer. Simon stepped off the pages and into my head.

The thing is a real mess as a result of writing in scenes. My usual method of writing is from point A to point Z. This works really well. The Dream Stealer began that way but in a stupid attempt to fill in holes, I wrote 50,000+ words in scenes out of sequence for NaNo in 2011. This is not a good way to write. It is really insane. I have a surplus of scenes that seem to belong nowhere. Maybe the next book? Hah! I have to finish this one. I have enough words to finish it but as I organize and structure the scenes I find there are still places that are all wrong. So, do I start over? I began to think I must. But there are some good scenes, a lot of them. I may not know a lot but I know when the writing is good.

Anyway, I stopped at 12:00 midnight mainly because my brain couldn't take anymore but also because I actually need sleep. Besides, sleep is where he's does his best work, I hear. Dreams are not safe from the Dream Stealer.

Onto the Pier

The pier stretched out, into a turquoise sea that stretched to the end of the world and disappeared into a matching sky. I squinted in the glare from the the reflection of the sun on the water and sighed. For a moment I closed my eyes, allowing myself to soak up the warmth of sun on my skin. I opened my eyes and walked onto the pier.

My  bare feet made no sound but the wood planks were rough from years of weathering and walking and it pricked at my feet. It crossed my mind that a splinter check would be required on my return. The radiant heat of the planks began to sting my soles but I kept walking, my sandals dangling from my left hand. I could put them on but I welcomed the heat. I'd been cold a long time.  © 2013 Cynthia Maddox

When it comes, I have to write it... and I've not been writing in a while. This is the whisper I've been hearing this week.I have no idea what it is; I just like it. 

Where is this place? Why is she there? Where is she going? Where did she come from? What is she doing there? What is at the end of the pier? Who is she? 

Might want start a blog of this stuff. Seems easier to keep up with. 

Making Sense

Sometimes making sense of things just doesn't happen. Believe me when I say this. I've been doing it for years. You start in one direction only to end up somewhere else is the most frustrating experience but trying to figure out how it happened is a waste of time.

I've been writing a long time but before I could even write I was creating stories from the Sunday comics. Mama said I'd sit on the look at the pictures and "read" the story. Once I started to write, I'd write stories. At 14 I wrote my first novel. No, I don't still have it. Lost in a move long ago. But I've been writing things a long time. So it shouldn't be that difficult for me, right? Sigh.

I started this NaNo as I have the last six - not knowing what I was going to write. Well, five actually. One year I actually knew in advance. Anyway, generally I don't know. This is the first year it ever scared me. Crazy, right? But here I am 11 days in, nearly three days behind on the word count, with a story that I am not enjoying.

All right, I've got all the advice. It isn't bad advice. I just don't want it.

Change the point of view. This is a hideously painful process. I did it once and while it was the right thing to do, now is the absolute worst time to do it. The ensuing stress is not helpful at all.

Kill a character. While I agree Jim should be killed, once you start killing characters you don't know very well you inevitably find you actually need them later. I'm not into zombie novels so I'll hold off on the murder for just a bit.

Put a polar bear in the story. This actually works, by the way. I've done it. But alas, there is no logical reason to put them there and it would only create further road blocks to go around.

Add another character. Well, this is going to happen at some point but I don't really know what the story is about and so I don't know who to introduce. I already have half a dozen folks wandering around with no purpose.

Give them a purpose. Easy for you to say.

Start a new story. This isn't as far-fetched as it sounds. Um.. maybe it doesn't sound far-fetched to you. Anyway, I might but I'm not eager to do so. I mean, think about it. I've got a story that is stalled and I start a new one, that I also know nothing about, and it stalls. So I start another...well, you see my concern.

To tell you the truth, I'm tired, really, really tired. I think I'm in the middle of a fairly rough fibro flare. I simply want to lie down and rest all the time but I can't. I have to go to work and push through the day and by the time I get home, I'm so exhausted I can't move. I push through everything. After about three days of that kind of activity, I lose my ability to cope and control of my emotions. And I am plunged into a depression that takes days to overcome.

I don't think my writing is improving now. In fact, I feel like it is regressing. When you can't think clearly for days at at time, communication becomes basic and there is a huge problem coming up with the words to express yourself.

There is a part of me that whispers, in the dark when I'm about to go to sleep, that I should just stop writing. Forget the whole thing. Let it go. I'd eliminate a plethora of stress. Besides, I have other talents I can use that I don't struggle with as much.

Stop writing?

How about I stop breathing.

Right.

Write.

The Run to the Weekend

Remember that busy weekend I had a couple of weeks ago? I'm in a time warp.

My brother called around 4 p.m. on Friday and said he was in town for the weekend. It was unexpected but he's always welcome. He drives a truck and sometimes his route brings him  through here. David's car had broken down and he had to use mine Friday so he headed to the truck stop to pick him up. I got off at 4:30 Friday, so I rode home with my friend Carolyn.  Dave and Bill walked in right behind me so it worked out well.

I had the NaNoWriMo Meet and Greet I had to be at by 6. I got a shower, and got my gear and David dropped me off, my brother along for the ride.  On the way Dave's wife called. She was with a friend and they ran out of gas. She expected him to drop everything and go help them. Remember, his car is in the shop and I have a meeting I'm on my way to and can't stop.

I got there around 5:30, found a few early arrivals and chatted for a few moments then got my supper. By 6:30 p.m they had been filtering in and gradually working their way to filling up the tables in the area where I was sitting. I'd wander around the place and when I found them I just asked them to move once they finished eating. Eventually, by 7p.m. we had 27 WriMos in Panera Bread.

I made a little speech welcoming them and how this was the largest turnout I'd seen in the 6 years I'd been doing NaNo. I gave out my goodies bags and told them what the items were I'd provided. And then I simply turned them loose to visit among themselves. It was really amazing. Everyone had a really great time and mingled and chatted until 8 p.m.

I got home and spent some time visiting with my brother and answering the email response from the WriMos expressing their excitement over the kick off. It was a resounding success by all accounts.

Saturday... I hit the ground running. I was up by 9:30 and relaxed until about 10. My brother and I had plans to go to lunch with my sister and Mike. Dave's car was in the shop and he still had mine. So I met him at the shop and he got his car. I left there and picked up Mike and headed back home and my sister had arrived. We left to get gas and headed to Cancun, our favorite Mexican restaurant. We left there at 1 p.m., my sister headed to work and I stopped on the way back and picked up Sarah. We came home and spent the after noon and evening watching movies, talking and entertaining Sarah. I took her home around 9:30 and Mike and got back around 10 p.m.

This is my last chore of the day. It is now 11:48 and I still have to brush my teeth. Sigh. I'm tired. In the morning I have to take my brother to his truck and then head to church until noon. I believe I'll come home and crash then.

My back and right leg have been giving me fits for several days and my left hip feels like it is trying to lock up. Did I say I'm tired. NaNo starts in four days.

Someone loan me some energy.

The Countdown Begins!

T-30 and counting! National Novel Writing Month is just around the corner. The 2012 NaNoWriMo begins on November 1. They've updated the site and added some new features and today it officially opened to everyone.

As ML I was able to get in and see the site the day before and it was so exciting. Everything is just looks really nice. They got rid of all that red ink!  The don't have the forums up yet but I suspect in the next few weeks other things will come online.

The web badges are posted and they are just so cool. Every year you get a new one to show you're participating, another when you win. I'll be adding this one to the bottom of my  page where all the others reside. I hope to get a winner's badge by the end of November.

I love doing NaNo and since becoming an Municipal Liaison, it has been even more exciting. I get to add my second ML badge to my wall. I have to say that I like my first badge best. That being said, there is a lot to do. I have to plan my Kick off meeting and get the NaNo calendar set up with write-ins. That's a juggling act.

From this point on, the blog will probably reflect a flurry of activity and ultimate chaos. Come November 1 it will be insanity.


Note: To see all my NaNo badges, check at the bottom of the home page.

WRoE - July 1, 2012

Wrote a chapter in Hidden in the Mist and began a second one. I did do some notes on Dream Stealer and even considered a new opening that would shift the dynamic a bit and clarify the inciting incident. I was actually a bit excited about that. Someone once suggested something along those lines. Proving once again that we don't actually forget anything, we just let it stew a bit before trying it. I think writing something else actually helped me a bit. Maybe loosened up the cogs or something. 

At any rate, small amount of writing but not according to my own rules. Will the person who said "rules were made to be broken" please email me. I need some more insights.

A Day of Clouds

Saturday has begun swathed in clouds. I'm hoping it doesn't rain. I'm going to get Mike in a bit and try to finish the last four rows of sidewalk. Then, flower beds I hope. My potted flowers never to be in deeper soil soon. I want to plant more once I get them sorted out.

I woke with a very sore neck and shoulder. I thought I wouldn't be able to hold my head up it hurt so badly. I truly do not know what causes that. I sleep better when I can sleep on my sides but I feel worse because the pain builds to excruciating levels. Sleep study really should be done, I think. Once they see how bad it is maybe they can offer some constructive advice.

I have done precious little writing anywhere, as you probably know if you've been checking. I wouldn't blame you a bit if you'd moved on and forgotten me all together. I've been over on FB and G+. I really like G+ because the items posted tend to be more educational and not so much silly chat like you find on FB. Still lots of family is on FB so I'll stay there to keep in touch.

The week seemed rather long even though I only worked for three days! Maybe because I worked so hard over the long weekend. But the walk is looking very good. I'm pleased with it. Just want it done now. Must get some mulch I think to line the edges. I've got ground cover that will help keep weeds out. I'm going to do that and then add new lights. No reason for stupid people to break them now.

I am hoping for a quiet day today, aside from the time Mike comes over to help with the sidewalk.

Although I have not been posting much lately I have been reading the blogs posted on my list. I read the comments, too. As I think I mentioned before I get emails of your blogs and comments. So I don't miss a thing. I can't view photos but I can read it all. I almost shut that off but I found the blogs backed up on me so this helps. I also post by email at times but since my work load in the office has doubled, that has tapered off.

Oh, my co-worker and friend, Carolyn, fell and broke her shoulder. She had to have surgery on it last Wednesday to put pins and screws in it as the bone had separated. She will be off at least six weeks, maybe more with physical therapy. So work is doubly bad right now.

The YMCA here sponsors a "fall Half-Marathon" every year and she walks in that. Walkers walk together for a couple of months to build up to the required 13 miles. She was walking home from her regular meeting and tripped on the sidewalk. She was just blocks from her house at the ball field up the road. She lives around the block from me. The sidewalk is right on a very busy street, the ball field was full of people of all ages. She fell on a very public sidewalk. No one came to see about her. No one stopped to help her up. No one even came over and ask if she was all right. She had to get up with one arm not working and walk home. She said she had a lot of trouble getting up because of that. I was so shocked I could not believe it. What kind of people do that?

I've told her it is not meant for her to walk in this thing anymore. Last year she had to have back surgery and couldn't do it. She really enjoys it but serious injury two years in a row is a bit much. I know, it was an accident but what if she'd been farther from home or knocked unconscious? She said she managed to walk to the corner bus stop and sit down to pull herself together.

I will try and post more photos of my vacation. I didn't take many. I spent my time just enjoying my family. It was so nice to see them all.

I'm away now. I need to dress and see about doing something constructive. Like pay my bills. Oh yeah, fun awaits. At least I can pay them. That's a blessing.

WRoE: May Accountability Day

I'm late again but not too late.

No writing on the Primary Project. I worked on three existing chapter, well two. I wrote the third for Baptism in the Basement. If I ever finish this one it should be a fun edit. It is fun writing it and fun reading it. Maybe because I actually recognize the characters.

That's it.

WRoE: May Accountability Day ---Late

It occurred to me today that I did not do Accountability Day this
month! It probably isn't important since I didn't write in April more
than an hour. I'd like to get back on track but it isn't looking good.

I'm like a yo-yo with the stress, depression and pain. I have days
when things go well and then I hit bottom. I've done no writing this
month either. It is a bit stressful.

On top of that, I'm having laptop problems. I'm going to probaby have
to reformat this weekend and check to see if I need a new battery. I
am having unexpected crashes and restarts. Since I'm plugged in at the
time, I don't know what that is about. The screen that tells me stays
up only long enough to tell me there was a problem but not read what
it was!

So, I'm far behind on my own WRoE. No, it is not acceptable. Not for
me. I'll start over and try again. Eventually, I'll figure out I'm
only extending my work. I spend an inordinate amount of time doing
stupid, wasteful things so it isn't impossible to write something
every day that contributes to the development of the novel. The only
excuse is that I'm not doing it. That's the truth.

WRoE: Accountability Day for March

I'm a day late with this but since there was virtually nothing done in March on my novel. I did 3 hours on the 3rd of March and that was it for the month. I think that's around the time we realized someone was getting terminated. I also had some pain problems during the month and wasn't resting well.

I don't suppose it matters. I'm frustrated by it but I'm not going to cut my wrist over it. It happens. It wasn't a good month no matter how I try and polish it up. From day one it sunk like a stone and I'm thrilled it is gone. April hasn't started terribly well either but it is early days yet.

On a positive note, I did get some things done around the house.... but it doesn't count for this.

I'll try and sit down and do some planning this week.

WRoE: Accountability Day for February

I would ask if you know what day it is but the title sort of gives it away. Yes, it is my self-imposed Writer's Rules of Engagement Accountability Day. This is my day to give an account of my time for the previous month.

I didn't get off to a roaring start in February. It was several days before I got any writing in. And the last couple of weeks were a wash. I had pain problems and stamina problems. I did do a lot of crochet in the evenings. It doesn't require that I do much but sit and well... crochet. I'm making slow but steady progress. I began a second crochet project that is now on hold. I need Sarah's measurements and until I get them, the second project lies unfinished.

So, how did I do in the shortest month of the year? 13 hours total in editing The Dream Sealer. I don't think it is as much as last month but I think this month I've had more physical problems than in January. I'm hoping that improves this month.

In the midst of all that I had two Writer's Hangouts in G+. They lasted about two hours each. I was able to talk writing with and meet "face to face" four of my online writing and blog friends. There are actually six of  us but two members were unable to join us. We've already planned our next online writer's hangout. We intend talking about various writing related topics and doing some critiques. The plan is to hold hangouts on two Mondays a month. It is so easy to just turn on the webcam and all of us are able to see each other and talk. This was really a very cool experience. My hat's off to Google... again.

And that is how the month of February rolled. I have to lock down some time wasters and get my focus back on nightly writing sessions. Or else spend more time on Saturdays. Of course, crochet is going to be a regularly task. Once it warms up a bit more, sewing will also be on my to-do list.

So, how was your WRoE this month? If you're not doing WRoE, did you write at all? I'd love to hear how you're doing.