Making Sense

Sometimes making sense of things just doesn't happen. Believe me when I say this. I've been doing it for years. You start in one direction only to end up somewhere else is the most frustrating experience but trying to figure out how it happened is a waste of time.

I've been writing a long time but before I could even write I was creating stories from the Sunday comics. Mama said I'd sit on the look at the pictures and "read" the story. Once I started to write, I'd write stories. At 14 I wrote my first novel. No, I don't still have it. Lost in a move long ago. But I've been writing things a long time. So it shouldn't be that difficult for me, right? Sigh.

I started this NaNo as I have the last six - not knowing what I was going to write. Well, five actually. One year I actually knew in advance. Anyway, generally I don't know. This is the first year it ever scared me. Crazy, right? But here I am 11 days in, nearly three days behind on the word count, with a story that I am not enjoying.

All right, I've got all the advice. It isn't bad advice. I just don't want it.

Change the point of view. This is a hideously painful process. I did it once and while it was the right thing to do, now is the absolute worst time to do it. The ensuing stress is not helpful at all.

Kill a character. While I agree Jim should be killed, once you start killing characters you don't know very well you inevitably find you actually need them later. I'm not into zombie novels so I'll hold off on the murder for just a bit.

Put a polar bear in the story. This actually works, by the way. I've done it. But alas, there is no logical reason to put them there and it would only create further road blocks to go around.

Add another character. Well, this is going to happen at some point but I don't really know what the story is about and so I don't know who to introduce. I already have half a dozen folks wandering around with no purpose.

Give them a purpose. Easy for you to say.

Start a new story. This isn't as far-fetched as it sounds. Um.. maybe it doesn't sound far-fetched to you. Anyway, I might but I'm not eager to do so. I mean, think about it. I've got a story that is stalled and I start a new one, that I also know nothing about, and it stalls. So I start another...well, you see my concern.

To tell you the truth, I'm tired, really, really tired. I think I'm in the middle of a fairly rough fibro flare. I simply want to lie down and rest all the time but I can't. I have to go to work and push through the day and by the time I get home, I'm so exhausted I can't move. I push through everything. After about three days of that kind of activity, I lose my ability to cope and control of my emotions. And I am plunged into a depression that takes days to overcome.

I don't think my writing is improving now. In fact, I feel like it is regressing. When you can't think clearly for days at at time, communication becomes basic and there is a huge problem coming up with the words to express yourself.

There is a part of me that whispers, in the dark when I'm about to go to sleep, that I should just stop writing. Forget the whole thing. Let it go. I'd eliminate a plethora of stress. Besides, I have other talents I can use that I don't struggle with as much.

Stop writing?

How about I stop breathing.

Right.

Write.