The journey of a widowed Southern lady stranded in the Mid-west surviving the
perils and pearls of grief, adult children, grandchildren, writing, retirement, and assorted crises.
Monday, November 30, 2020
End of November!
Wednesday, November 25, 2020
Covid 19 Arrived at My House
Mike and I caught the bug. Yep. But we survived! We've been sick for about a month, as far as we can tell. It could be 6 weeks. We thought we had sinus problems, but this got worse until we were coughing. We thought a cold. Then came body aches and nausea. We realized late that we had no taste and smell. Well, I did. I had some taste, but it was all nasty. Soda tasted like cough medicine, a nasty one. So did orange juice. Milk was delicious!
And through it all ran a fatigue that we could not recover from. So we've slept. Both of us slept off and on for days. Today, we're still fighting the fatigue. I average getting about one thing done a day. Today, it was my hair and getting clothes out of the dryer. That's it. Our bedtimes are roughly 8-9 p.m. and even if I get up at 6, I'm back in bed asleep from 10-noon. A week ago, I'd be in bed again from 3 to 5 p.m. It's been monstrous..
Let me say there are people far sicker than either Mike or me. Mike was sicker than I was, and he coughed far more and far worse. We're still coughing, but it is getting better.
I bought electronic feeders for the cats and got them the day I tested positive. I was so sick. There is a video on YouTube if you don't believe me. I had people telling me to go to the hospital. So, I couldn't set them up right away. It allows me to schedule 4 feedings and I don't have to get up at 5 a.m. They're working beautifully. I got them set up yesterday and the cats, a bit stunned initially, are adjusting to a machine that feeds them. I reloaded this evening and am ready for the next 24 hours. So much easier than worrying about feeding too much or too often.
I'd write more, but I'm tired just from this much. I hope you all have a lovely holiday with your loved ones. I'll be at home having a sandwich. Mike is coming over to "hang out". Maybe I'll fix Hawaiian meat balls.
Neither of us really cares. It isn't much of a holiday for us.
Friday, November 24, 2017
Fadings
I'm doing much better this week. Starting the weekend I notice the muscles in my back were less sore and I could move my shoulders without a lot of pain. I also noticed that my sleep is much better than it has been in probably years. I'm less tired most days but do have bouts of extreme fatigue. I've learned to just go to bed and nap for a couple of hours. Sleeps makes it better.
My Thanksgiving holiday was relatively quiet. I spent the afternoon with Sarah's other grandparents. They invited us over and Sarah, Mike, and I went. We had a great lunch and I enjoyed just relaxing and talking. I made a banana pudding and carried that but it was nice not to have to do all that work. I would have been totally wiped out if I had had to deal with a holiday meal.
Holidays are not usually fun for me but at least it wasn't filled with the usual stress. I've spent today just sitting around reading, crocheting and listening to podcasts. I've come to really enjoy those and I can crochet and listen at the same time. Even my Kindle fire will read my book to me.
I'll leave this for now. I started it a few days ago and forgot it. Doctor's appointment on Monday morning for them to follow up on my surgery. I"m hoping I'll be allowed to do a bit more.
Saturday, November 29, 2014
We Went Down To Georgia
On the left hand side of the east bound highway the median was a large grassy section that slopped up to the interstate going in the opposite direction. An east-bound trailer hauling apples had turned over. I guess his load shifted as he rounded the curve too fast on the mountainous road. At any rate, there were thousands of applies lying in a pile next to the road. They'd managed to take all the empty boxes and pile them up on the incline of the median. I've never seen so many apples and was very tempted to roll down the window and ask for a sack full. I resisted. We continued on our way and made pretty good time from that point on. But then, it was already after 5 p.m.
We arrived without further incident. I did have a couple of hours where it felt as if I was riding with two five year olds, rather than a 35 year old and an 8 year old. Their voices were beginning to take on a similar whine. I had no cheese and wished again for apples.
Checking out the dolls. |
This actually worked in my favor. I was able to sit and relax and watch. They had decorated the house for Christmas and Sarah had presents under the tree. She got to open one gift a day and she loved that.
Giving Amy a little attention |
We celebrated communion at my Aunt and Uncle's house Thanksgiving morning. That was nice. I'd never seen that done before but I would encourage anyone to start that tradition.
Dinner was to be at 5 p.m. at my cousin, Dan's house. My aunt and I went early to help out, although, as it turned out, I was more of a referee than anything else. I sat at the bar and watched as the bout progressed.
Cousins: Janie, Me, & Alexis |
I can vouch that both are excellent cooks . All the food was good... except the green beans and that is another argument that was not settled but rather depends on who you ask. Nothing was burned and there was tons of smoked turkey, ham, pork chops resembled steaks, dressing, Ford hook beans, potato salad, broccoli rice in a cheese sauce, mac and cheese, sweet potato casserole, and dessert.
L-R: Uncle Dale, Garrett, Aunt Phillis, Alexis, Me, Mike. Front: L-R: Harper, Sarah |
I may have forgotten something but no one went away hungry. We took food home, except for green beans, and ate it the next day. It was still good.
There were probably a dozen of us at dinner. I didn't count but someone did take photos and I'm sure I'll get some more of those later. There are a couple here. I have no idea why Dan wasn't in the family photo. Probably cooking. Which segues into our next item of interest.
We're always a bit nervous coming over the mountains. Not because the roads are bad, but the diesel trucks are problematic. They move too slow or too fast and you don't want to be in front of or behind them. But there isn't any place to go, so you bite your nails and stay as clear as possible. However, this time, there were not nearly as many as I've seen on weekdays.
We finally were on the last leg of our journey. After we left we more or less counted the miles. I slipped the camera over the back seat to see if Sarah was excited about getting close to home. I'm not sure....
We made it back to Evansville from Atlanta around 2 p.m. Considering we got up at 5 a.m. and were on the road by 6 a.m. , we made relatively good time. Now, I'm going to bed. I hope you've all had a wonderful Thanksgiving.
Thursday, December 6, 2012
Waiting for the Warming
My Dream Room |
I'm waiting on a repairman to arrive to give me an estimate to have the gas log I bought connected in my den. They were supposed to contact me at 7:30 a.m. to tell me when they'd arrive. It is 7:51 a.m. and I've not heard a word. I thought they'd be done before eight and I could go to work without missing much. Probably not going to happen and I'm annoyed. I've been trying for two weeks to get someone to give me a repair estimate!
Most of you know that the last couple of weeks have been very stressful and I wish I could say I've been stoic through all of it. My pain escalated to fairly awful proportions and by the time I got that under control other stresses had multiplied and I was in a pretty bad way.
I started Monday... well, you can read the blog. I did make an attempt, really. I've managed to get through most of this week without a total meltdown or going off the deep end. You pick the analogy and it'll probably be just as good as mine. Anyway, Tuesday I plodded along finding some revelatory thoughts along the way. And I kept trying to keep my eyes on something besides the problems. Admittedly, I found few things that weren't a problem but I was able to find small blessings that usually go unnoticed and unlauded.
So, my goal is to continue looking at the seemingly mundane and small things I often overlook. Today I'm nearly done with the week and for this I am so thankful. My pain levels have fallen considerably. Maybe leaving off the medicine for a month reset my system. Maybe I was in a flare. Maybe, maybe, maybe. I don't care. I'm thankful pain is at a two today.
Sarah spent the night last night and Dave took her to school this morning. She would not go to bed so we were all a bit tired. Becca has some kind of bug and so she thought it would be better if David kept her. I always feel better when Sarah is in the house and I'm always so thankful when that happens.
I'm thankful I have a job and can pay the bills. I don't know what I'd do otherwise. I'm thankful for a bunch of online friends who stop by or email me when life is hard and give me sympathy, virtual hugs and encouragement. The sympathy lets me know they understand, but the hugs and encouragement serve to remind me that I should keep going and look up. It isn't easy.
I'm thankful see my son smiling and laughing and acting like himself. How is it that we can't see other people's unhappiness when it is staring us in the face? I'm not thankful his wife divorced him. I am not thankful others are wounded. I know the pain of permanent loss. I'm thankful that both of them are still here. When people divorce they often say things like, "I'm sorry we ever met." I'm not sorry. Had they not met I would not have two very important people in my life, particularly at at time when my life was as dark as a tomb. I'm very thankful these two people met and gave me Sarah. And I'll be always sorry that they could not make it work.
It is now half past 8 and still no call. I think I'm going to go to work and call another company. It is so annoying but the den is an icebox in winter and I have some things I want to do in there. Once the heater is connected it will only take minutes to warm up. At the moment... I have to wait.
Thursday, November 22, 2012
Thanksgiving & Ten Feet
Today is sunny and the Weather.Com icon says it is 42 degrees out there. I am supposed to have lunch with my fractured family around 11:30 today at a restaurant. Traditions are gone. There is no family get-together for us anymore. We don't watch parades, play games or sit around laughing at each others antics. We haven't for a long time. I no longer cook lots of food and goodies. We will eat and return to our respective abodes. Becca and Sarah will go to her family for the rest of today and tonight.
The year 2009, the year Jerry died, was a horrible year and every year since it has only gotten mildly more tolerable. I know everyone thinks, "Good grief, woman, its four years. Get over it already." It is easy for you to say. Unfortunately, the very nature of death is unremitting separation. You can never get back what you lost. For the ignorant and shallow I remind you to remember what it felt like to lose your favorite cell phone and you had no way to replace it for a week? Well, multiply that by a million years and you might come close to feeling what normal people feel when they lose actual people they love. If that is a stretch, you're a sad mess. I digressed there but I know someone will read this that just won't get it.
I've come to hate holidays in a way I never dreamed possible. I am forced to remember years of family reunions where a hundred people surrounded me in this great big bubble and we laughed, talked and ate and laughed and talked and ate. We all went home and felt connected and we could deal with the next year because we'd do this again. And then they all died and it stopped.
So, I gathered my small family around me and the bubble shrank but we still got together. Sometimes we went to my siblings and we had a bigger bubble and everyone laughed, talked, and ate and felt connected. And then they all splintered off and moved away. I moved actually. So I gathered my small family and we had our own special holiday with each other. We laughed, watched the parades, I cooked and we ate. We played games while Jerry slept in front of the ball games. And then he died and the world shrank even smaller and I realized I couldn't get through the next year.
We've tried to maintain a holiday tradition. The year before he died we began to go out so I would not spend days preparing and cleaning up. I could have a day off. We continued after Jerry died. My sister misses the old way and every year wants to go back. She even volunteered this year to cook. I realized that I didn't really care anymore.
This year, my son and his wife have divorced. Three people I love dearly are now splintered and drifting away. I look at Sarah and I realize she will never know those hundred people family reunions. She won't know the smaller ones where my siblings and our families get together and enjoy being a weekend of laughter and good food. She won't even have a small family joining hands to give thanks for a year of good things. Maybe years from now she will have a family and she can read some of my stories about what it was and maybe she can recapture it. I hope so because there is a lot of joy back there. There was much to be thankful for and to celebrate.
Why such a depressing blog? Because I want you to think about what you have surrounding you. I want you to look around that table and think. Turn off the cell phone and think about the faces you see surrounding you. Really look at them. Talk to them. Laugh at unfunny jokes today. Tomorrow it won't matter.
I realized what was important seconds too late. Thanksgiving weekend 2009 was my epiphany. Every year, I remind myself and I re-post that moment for any who may pass this way.
".....I sit in a room that is approximately 9x10. The realization came to me tonight that all that matters of all that we do or say can be found within ten feet of you. And we usually stay close to what we love. But we don't notice it. It is silent and we don't really notice. Unless at some point it disappears. A void opens up.
I suppose the answer would be to look around and see what is within ten feet of where you sit right now. Reach out and grab it. Don't let go. If you do, it will begin to drift away, beyond your reach. Until you can't reach it anymore."
If you do nothing else today, look around and whisper prayers of thanksgiving for all that you have surrounding you. Give sincere and prolific thanks for the blessings of people who love you. Tell them you love them. Thank them for giving you their time, love, and countless hours of frustration, laughter, and joy...to you. Tomorrow, you can go back to your cell phones and endless shopping for a bargain. Today is the best bargain you'll ever have and once it is gone, you can't get it back.
Monday, November 12, 2012
Prayers of Thanksgiving
Lots of my Christian friends have been doing the 30 days of thanks this month. I didn't elect to do it because I made another commitment and have limited my posts and time spent here.
In my personal life I try to pray a prayer of thanksgiving everyday. On bad days I may pray a prayer of thanksgiving several times a day. I joked once that when I get in a hot shower I spend the first five minutes of it saying Thank you God, for hot water. I may have said it jokingly but it is not a joke. I do it. If you hurt like I do, you pray the hot water never runs out.
So, while I haven't posted a daily "thanks" post every day, I'm thankful for every day and this is how I generally pray on a daily basis.
"O merciful and Holy God,
Thank you another day of life. Thank you for every blessing and every trial. For through both you show us your care.
Forgive us for our sins. Bless our nation with honorable leaders who exhibit integrity and honesty. Bless our people with a desire to seek truth in all our ways and demand integrity of those we have placed in charge of this nation.
Bless those who disagree with my beliefs and forgive those who belittle me for them. Forgive me if I have returned their actions in kind and help me not follow that path. Remind me if I stray and teach me good manners.
Keep me focused on right principles and help me to live what I believe without shame or fear. Give me the courage and strength to stand in the face of challenges to my faith and my character. Help me to always speak truth without shame, regret and without apology.
Let the love of God shine forth in my life. Remove all obstacles that block or dim that light.
May I spread peace wherever I go. Let peace flow out of me to those who walk beside me. Let it follow in my wake to those who stay behind. And let peace flow ahead of me to those I have yet to meet.
And let every word be established in the earth.
Amen"