A Clean Sweep & A Crazy Week

Don't ask me what I did in the last week. I don't think I can repeat it all, even if I could remember. From Monday onward the whole week was a mad dash. I spend hours calling about appointments to get a sleep study set up for me and another appointment for Sarah, running around on errands, foraging, and trying to get the garage cleaned out. I did a couple of hours of writing in all that, not nearly what I wanted, but better than none.

The garage was Friday's project. I expected it to take about 4 hours. It took a full 6 hours not counting the hour and a half we took for lunch. But the end result is an extremely clean garage, shelving installed, every item put away and three bags of trash out by the curb. I still have to reorganize stuff in there. I have three boxes of "thingies" that have to be assessed, put in the appropriate container (trash or storage) and a couple of items that have to be disposed of just because they've been sitting there forever and I don't really need or have room for them.

The garage project took its toll. As we neared the end of the job, my feet began to hurt terribly and I could barely walk by 6 p.m. It only got worse. By Saturday morning, my hands, feet, and knees were swollen and my back, legs, and hips hurt. Today is marginally better.

As a result of all that, I didn't get any major things done yesterday. I did finish up the blue crochet blanket, which entailed weaving in the yarn ends back into the fabric. I decided to put a border on it and I expect to finish that in a couple of days if my hands function appropriately. Then, I will try to get that mailed this week. It is a baby gift and will be big enough to use as a crib blanket. The yarn is amazingly soft. I used I Love This Yarn, from Hobby Lobby. It took 5 skeins and about two months to finish, with everything else I have going.

Now I can get back to the other afghan I'm working on. I had to lay it aside to finish the blue because of the baby due date. I also want to start a new sweater for Sarah. She needs one for days when it is too warm for a coat but not warm enough for just a shirt. She's outgrown everything I made previous. I just bought long sleeved tops this past week for her, about 9 of them. She still needs skirts. I am going to try and make her a bunch of the frilly western style she seems to favor. I need to find some old jeans her size to use for the yoke and put fabric on the bottom. She loves those.

I'm working on my short stories for the Anthology and that is not getting enough attention. While doing that, I got a glimmer of an idea for NaNo, which as you all know, begins on November 1. The kickoff is Saturday afternoon. I just hope NaNo is productive. I so want to work on some other writing projects.

The photo at the top left is of a birthday card my friend Jilly, in England, sent me. She makes them and it is simply beautiful work. It is a nice surprise to know she was thinking of me. It will be a lonely day since I don't get to celebrate anymore. My birthday isn't until the 28th, but it will be nice to look up and see the card in my work area.

Mike remembered my birthday was coming, too. He bought me a Chromecast and gave it to me early, helping me set it up. I'd been talking about buying one because the current streamer I have is just very limited. With the Chromecast, I have all the media I could want and then some. I still don't have cable and don't need it. I have to say, when Mike has the money, he puts a lot of thought into gifts for me. I always like what he gets me.

 So, there you have a summary of my crazy week. I'm going to make a pot of chilli and chill with a book I think. I'm still so tired I can hardly sit here. Sue is coming tomorrow to clean my house. I'm just too sore and tired to bother. I'm hoping to get the whole place spick and span. Maybe for my birthday, I'll have a nice clean house and the pain will have gone by then.

Aching Calves & Brain Tweeks

Is is only Tuesday night? Really?

I've had severe pain in both calves for three days and I have no idea why. I have not walked in at least a week because I've either been exhausted, it rained, or I've been so busy I didn't get time. Sunday I had trouble walking. I could hardly walk yesterday and today, for most of the day, it was horrible. I see my primary doctor on Thursday and will address it with her. The weekend was rushed, as you should have read in a previous post. So, here we are at Tuesday. The only positive is Friday is two days away and vacation a few weeks.

Mike's birthday was Sunday and we all went to church and then to lunch together. Both my sister and I had diarrhea afterward. We both had clams. We eat at this restaurant a lot and never had this issue. Very odd... and unpleasant. I still had a problem on Monday.

I bought Mike a new smart t.v. for his birthday and he bought himself a stand for it. Dave and I went over to help him set up.I wish I had not. I don't want to go into detail but let me just say that the people on Hoarders are real people. They exist. I went back to Mike's tonight to help him get started cleaning up. This is going to take awhile. It is very stressful.

I'm tired and about to go to bed but I have spent some time tweaking my writing blog tonight. It is an old blog that started life as something else.  I like what I'm doing with these writing challenges the group has done. I'm writing more these days than I have in a long time. My efforts to limit my time on less productive pursuits has allowed me time to walk and the walking has stimulated my brain. I have to tell you that the cemetery walks have begun to feed me ideas and that's always a fun prospect. I feel more ready for NaNo than I've felt in several years. Now if I can just get the kick-off set up!

So, with that, I'll say good night.

The State of Happiness

Today is Jerry's birthday. He would have been 63. He could have officially retired. He had so looked forward to it. But at 59 he died. I kept breathing.

Since 2009 I've been through a series of physical, emotional, and mental upheavals that defy description but if you truly want to torture yourself, it's all here in the blog. I lived in a nightmare hell the first year and can't remember huge amounts of time from that year. The second year, I woke up and realized it wasn't a a nightmare at all, it was just hell. The third year I though I was going to be able to crawl out and maybe, just maybe I'd be able to live among other living beings only to fall back into the pit. I am approaching the 4th anniversary and I've begun to question if life after death is even possible. Not my death. His. Is it even possible to push back the darkness and be, if not happy, content?

I've sought to involve myself with people and things and stay busy but honestly, I live in a vacuum where the only time I see or hear from most people in a 50 mile radius is when someone else has a need. Never when I have one. I try to be obliging but the results is I end up running short of energy, time, money, and reciprocation of such. Nearly 4 years later, I still am sitting in my house, alone, in silence and listening to echos. I have no more outside contact that I did the day the last person left after the funeral and the last calls came in. It shocked me to my core then. I don't shock so easily now.

These days, I don't actually think it is possible to be happy.  The people I know personally are miserable. The problem, as near as I can figure, is our concept of happiness is distorted. People seem to think happiness is doing something we enjoy, all the time. Happiness is being in a crowded room with lots of people we like and who like us and having fun, all the time.  Happiness is having the money to buy all we want, all the time.  Happiness is having security, jobs, friends, things. Happiness is stuff. All the time.

You think, when you don't have things, that getting them will fix it. You'll be happy for sure then. I'll get a new house, go to a new school, a new church, move to a new town, meet new people, get a new job. Right. It won't work.

I've got stuff. I'm not happy.

Let me tell you what unhappiness is and maybe that will explain it better. Living without the person who knew everything about me, right down to my birthmark is the most difficult thing I've ever been forced to do. I once said it felt as if I'd had my arm cut off. I was wrong. It is more like having a leg removed at the hip. And they don't sell a prosthetic for it. Someone said "Think about the good times." I don't dare. I can't reclaim them. I can't relive them. And I can't make new ones. I shatter in a billion tiny pieces and have to pick them up. They are made of obsidian glass and flay me.

In all the 35 years of marriage, I distinctly remember being terribly unhappy on many occasions, times when he displeased me and when I displeased him. Of course, we got past them but there were some times that neither of us really got over. We were human after all. We weren't happy all the time and as he grew sicker, we both grew less so. For years, I was so stubborn and demanding. He seldom said no to me and I was cared for and cherished. Right up to the night he dropped dead.

But you know something, right now, this very minute, I would do everything he asked me if he'd just come home and complain about something. I'd be happy! I'd be ecstatic if he stepped into the room and griped about something trivial. If he left the towel wadded on the seat of the toilet, his shorts in the floor, his shoes in the middle of the living room. I would be overjoyed. If he left dirty dishes on the counter.... I'd wash them with a smile. He had a hard time keeping a job the last few years and I didn't know why. He was sick. But today, if he was unemployed and broke and simply wanted to complain about it, I would so listen and put my arms around him and say, "I'm here. We're in this together. It looks bad but we have one another."

The truth is that there is no feeling like being loved, cared for, and made to feel you are the Queen of the Universe or the King. Realistically, it isn't always like that. But knowing it is always there, why, you can live in a hovel and never notice. I've lived in a few! There is nothing that can take the place of looking across the room when you're worried and having someone smile at you. Or lying in the dark staring at the ceiling and having someone squeeze your hand. They don't have to speak. You just know that they just sent you a message. I'm here. We're in this together. It looks bad but we have one another.

Nothing else in the world feels like that.

Jerry, I'd be happy to see you're face smile across the room.

Life from the Bottom

Sometimes it is necessary to make changes that are not easy but necessary. We fill our lives with things that weigh us down and slow us, usually with the best intentions. All other decisions seem hinged on these weightier items that have little merit. I've found myself there this week.

Friday I posted a blog on the Writer's Asylum blog that I was effectively dissolving the group. You can read it if you like. One member didn't receive it well but it isn't something I'm overly concerned about. I understand why she was upset but the reason for the group to exist simply disappeared. It no longer functioned. They can certainly keep meeting to chat if they like. But it isn't a writing group anymore.

I was relieved. Isn't that odd? Maybe not. It no longer provided me with an incentive to write. I've known that for several months. But I kept hoping the energy would return and we'd get back on track. When it didn't happen, I knew it was time to make a change. So, no more Writer's Asylum. 

I don't know if I'll look for another group or not. I don't think so. I am going to keep trying to work on my story. I may use the now free Thursday nights just for writing time. For now, several FB/NaNo friends are in my WRoE group. I'm not sure where that's going. We're meeting online and it's nice to talk with someone about writing but ultimately, I need to be writing and not just talking. That is what the WRoE is about, writing. 

The truth is that I am in an odd place where the things I have been interested in no longer appeal to me. I thought that maybe I need to move myself in a new direction. But change isn't easy for me. I don't like change. It makes me uncomfortable and stressed. Not all change is bad but it doesn't seem to matter where I'm concerned. I want things to stay as they were before. It is impossible. The nature of life is change. It comes whether you're prepared or not. I'm not. It's here. 

I went with my friend Carolyn to the Home Show yesterday and we went to lunch afterward. I saw lots of beautiful things for the house but unless I win a million they are just not going to appear. It was  a nice day but my hip simply gave me a horrible time as the day progressed. The concrete floors in the stadium are just bad on my back and legs. Once I got home I was so tired.

Today, Sunday, was a really terrible day. I felt awful when I got up, aching and hurting everywhere and I simply was exhausted. I watched some music videos and then had this terrible relapse and I cried for hours. I went back to bed at 3 p.m. and slept until nearly 6 p.m. I've been sitting in a chair all day. And I'm still tired. I'm headed for bed in just a few minutes.

I don't like living this way. It is not living. It is existing. There is not one day I can point to in the last three years that I was happy or content with my life. I can't single a day out as special or important. They are a blur that I can't actually remember much about unless I read the blogs. I have found that just sitting here and looking at stuff on the computer is acceptable and time passes without notice for the most part without any emotion interfering. It is an entertaining narcotic. I work hard. I come home and sit down and before I realize it it is bedtime. And another day arrives unnoticed. Time moves past without making any impact other than a sense of loss.

I still don't want to go out or see anyone much. Every trip is forced and tiring. I don't even want to leave the room I'm camped in at times. I could actually move the necessary items into one room and never go into the rest of the house unless I needed something. 

No one comes here very often but Mike. Even Sarah doesn't come over much anymore. But I've learned to adapt to the isolation relatively well. I no longer look for anyone to come. I no longer extend invitations and I find something to direct my attention to so I don't think about it. 

I'm thinking about disconnecting my land line all together. I have no real need for it. The only calls I get are from my children to ask for something. I have my cell. My aunt usually calls that. And that's all the calls that come in. If I could live on Jerry's pension, I'd quit my job tomorrow and never leave this house again. I wouldn't care. 

I had this realization today that if something happened to me here in the house and no one wanted something from me, I would not be found for days or until someone at work stared looking for me if it was a work day. That wouldn't happen until nearly noon and then they would just call the house. The boss might ask Carolyn and she'd try and get my kids but I doubt she has anyone's number anymore, they change them so often. If I was in the yard, no one would notice as there are no people ever around here.

I thought I should go and sit on the porch today. It was warm out and sunny and it seemed like a good idea. It required something from me I didn't have to give. So I stayed here, in front of the computer until I went to back to bed. 

For a moment today I considered calling and getting the t.v. cable reconnected but I know that if...when I do that, I really won't leave the house anymore. There won't be a need. I looked for possible vacation packages, even just a weekend away. I didn't do anything because I think I'm probably not  physically able to do the kind of things I'd enjoy. I see no sense on paying for a hotel room to just sit and watch t.v. in because I can't walk or I'm too tired. I even checked out a writer's workshop in Mobile, my hometown. I had no idea where to start and after a few minutes it was simply not of interest.

So I sat here and did nothing. I didn't read except stuff I ran across. I watched videos and t.v. shows. Oh and slept nearly 3 hrs. Now I'm going back to bed. I have to work tomorrow.

True Story

Becca: Mom, today is Dr. Seuss' birthday.

Me: I know it is Dr. Seuss' birthday.

Sarah, incredulous: You didn't celebrate it?