Showing posts with label Sarah. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Sarah. Show all posts

Friday, August 13, 2021

Life On The Ledge: Sometimes It's Crazy


Life happens here on the ledge and I'm sure, in that valley down below. On the ledge you constantly feel at any moment you could fall over the edge. 

Sarah's mom is moving back to town, and she is going to court to regain custody of Sarah. Sarah doesn't want to live with her dad anymore. Dad is my son. I really love my sons and I've hoped and prayed for them both all their lives. The situation is very sad now. He blames me for her mother trying to take her. In fact, "I planned and plotted this". I actually didn't, but I did not to interfere. I'd been seeing things I had concerns about and prayed for God to take steps. I had nothing to do with her mom's decision. He's not let her mother see Sarah for two years. So, I suppose if someone tried to prevent me from seeing my child, I'd take steps too. 

Wrong is wrong, even when it is my own. 

I've talked to Sarah, and she hates living with him. She loves her dad, but the wives became a problem for her. Sarah is not perfect and has difficulties. They knew she has problems, that she was in counseling for them, and on medication. That all stopped when she left here. She's placed on meds that weren't good for her, taken off meds that were, seeing a counselor who was besties with her then step mom. So, no chance of non-biased help. Then she kicked them to the curb, because she couldn't cope with Sarah's problems. Six months later new wife, new state, a new set of problems. Sarah, again taken off her ADD meds, given anti-depressants, taken off the vitamins she took, gained 15 lbs at least, is having periods lasting months but is told this is normal. No, it is not normal, and all this suggests a metabolic disorder that runs in the family. Yes, I've told EVERYONE. I know nothing, apparently.

We traveled to watch her baptized. She begged her dad to let her come visit (after her mom and my sister asked and were told no). He deigned to give her 3 days. They sent her home in hand-me-downs with one bra and two pair of underwear and flip-flops. Despite our sending her new dresses (they threw or gave away those because the new step doesn't like my style). 

Once in the car Sarah said, "I'm not going back there ever." We were dumfounded. And horrified by her demeanor. However, she's in tears and angrier than any kid I've ever seen. For weeks now, we've worked with her. She's on Ashwagandha for the hormonal problems and back on her vitamins. We can't get her in school because the school was told we kidnapped her. Not sure who spread that around. It isn't true. Her mother and dad share joint custody. 

We didn't think they would allow her to come here because they denied every request made. She simply refused to go back. The police said they can't force her to go back either. So, we have honored her wishes. However, her mom can't get health care for her right now because she is on a plan there and they're not taking her off. She goes to court on the 19th to request custody changes. After reviewing the State guidelines governing this case, I suspect it won't be a problem. In fact, according to the guidelines, he is in contempt of court. I'm disappointed in him because he wants to be a police officer. But if you can't obey the laws, you have no business trying to enforce them.

As for Sarah, after a week of the Ashwagandha and a trip to the gym, she seems to be better mood. I miss the smiling and laughing Sarah that I knew before she went away 2 yrs ago. She's lost that, but in the last two days, there is a glimpse of her. 

There is a list of things that went on that weekend, but I'm so glad we prayed before we arrived and that we prayed for our own tempers to remain calm and civil and be courteous. My family was slammed with personal attacks while we were there. Yet, everyone kept their cool and got through it. I'm not taking part in any further discussions or harangues from anyone about what happened. No one should make a child feel they count for nothing and that the parents' desires are paramount to the child's wellbeing. I don't care who they are. 

If you pray, pray for Sarah. She's what matters.


Wednesday, August 12, 2015

What's Happening In My World

You know I am always looking at the flow of my life and how it is working. If life were a clock, I'd have assembled and disassembled it many times over. Sometimes it works better. Other times, not so much.

The current week has been hectic. Sarah started 3rd grade on Monday. She came running into the house after school yelling she loved it. I hope the romance last but we all know how relationships can turn on you. Her most exciting thing was "no homework". She thinks this will be a permanent thing. I haven't had the heart to tell her that the paperwork I read wants her working on things at home. We're going to have to create a "chore" schedule just to keep her encouraged.

I've done more crochet this week than I have at any one time in years. I've made several items and started on a new one last night.I really enjoy making these coaster cozies. I have six of my own and they work better than anything I've ever used.

They're designed to fit over the round stone coaster you buy at Walmart on aisle end caps. They come with a wooden holder but once the cozy is on it, they won't fit in the holder. I don't care. They're pretty and you can stack them. They look really nice on the table and are functional. Pretty furniture you worked hard to create or buy should be protected. I think I'm going to make a doily to match them.

 When dirty, you pull them off, wash and put them back on. If you have extras, you don't have to wait for the laundry to get done. The ones at right are a gift for someone. The yarn is Hobby Lobby's I Love This Yarn. It is a new cotton they've created to replace the Sugar n' Cream brand. I actually like it much better. It is a bit softer and easier to work with on small items. They have a ton of colors, too.

The other items I finished last night is the "rug" I was working on from yarn in my stash.Photos do not do this yarn justice. It is so beautiful. I do wish it was softer but it just looks gorgeous. As you can see, the item is not really big enough for much but a throw rug. I just used all the yarn I had left from a previous project. It is really warm and I almost considered it as a lap throw but it barely covers my lap and falls just below my knees. Not really enough to bother with when I have larger throws to hand.

This is a Red Heart Yarn, as I've mentioned before. I loved making this but by the last round, I was getting bored. I used no pattern, just started crocheting in the round and when I finished a row, I figured out what I wanted to do on the next one.I tried to vary the rows. I have some that are single crochet, some double crochet, and some treble crochet. There are a couple of chain rows, and V stitches as well as a couple of mixed rows: double crochet and chains.

It wasn't hard but I made mistakes here and there. Once it gets this big, counting stitches is so tedious but for fans and shells, you have to have the right number of stitches to make it work. A couple of times I had to pull out several inches and work two stitches together to correct for miscounting. For the most part, only an expert might find my errors but this isn't to sell or give away. I'll use it. I am considering buying a  backing to put on it and make it slip resistant. Originally, I was going to put it in Sarah's room because these are the colors we have in there. However, if you saw her floor on an average day, you'd know it would be wasted on her.

I started on another coaster cozy using a small ball of yarn, left over from a sweater I made for Sarah. I think it will be really pretty. It is an extra so I can wash some one of my others. I am also making it in a brighter color.

I've written a little. I have to get the short story done now. So, I'm going to try and spend the rest of the week doing that. I'm behind in reading but I've been also been busy straightening out the chaos resulting from getting rid of the large computer desk and clearing out Sarah's room to repair the ceiling. Her room is more or less in order. There are a couple of items still to move but nothing major.

It is the stuff I took out of the desk that presents problems. I had no idea that desk held so much! And so much that I hadn't even looked at in ages. I found Jerry's driver's license, our military IDs from years ago, his USI student ID, and his VA ID. All had his photos on them. I found old letters he'd written to me when he went to Germany. They'd been stored in a scrap book I had in the book case that was in Sarah's room but is not in the den. They were very personal and I had to smile at how foolishly romantic we were. They were just sappy and drama ridden. Very "soap opera" to me. Did other young couples write such letters? I don't know.

For a brief moment, I remembered that girl and I longed to be her again. She was filled with so much life and she knew how to have fun. Jerry and I had so much fun. We had a lot of the same problems most couples have but more than anything, we had an amazingly good time. And I think it is that which makes life so very hard now. I'm not having fun. Sarah brings me so much joy and the days with her are almost as much fun as what Jerry and I had but it isn't the same. There is this huge void that I no longer believe can ever be filled or bridged or repaired. I want it to be, more than anything. But the reality is it is impossible to ever be in that place and time and to be that person again. Two people died on January 29, 2009. They just didn't bury me.

I won't burden you with more sadness. I'll leave you with a Sarah story.

Sarah is growing up. Recently, she found she had hair under her arms. Obviously, all girls go through this phase but she is a bit young. She'll be 9 in a few weeks. However, we had to deal with the issue. Although the problem wasn't great, it was noticeable, particularly to her. So, I informed her I'd shave the hair off for her and show her how to do it so when she was capable of managing she wouldn't be nervous. We discussed how this would mean it would have to be done all regularly after this. Anyone knows the sooner you start shaving legs and armpits the worse it gets. But you can't just leave it.

Anyway, we took care of it. In seconds it was done and Sarah said, "That fast?"

I just grinned and said, "That fast."

I left her and went to the kitchen. She must have gone to the mirror because the next thing I heard was Sarah shouting, "I'M YOUNG AGAIN!"

I laughed and asked her what she meant.

"I'm young again. Only old people have hair under their arms."

Y'all have a great day.

Monday, June 30, 2014

Miscellany

What an odd start to the week. I'm totally zoned out for some reason. I called in sick. I've got some kind of stomach bug. Grumpy stomach all day and frequent potty breaks. Not a lot of fun but it hasn't been too terrible. I've done a lot of reading of blogs and articles. Finally decided I should post something on my own blog but found my mind is just mush for some reason. I feel like someone cut the mooring line and I'm adrift on an isolated sea waiting for someone to come along and tow me back to shore.

Tomorrow begins the July 2014 Camp NanoWriMo. I'm rather excited but this mush brain is not a good sign. I am hoping that the Mibbit online write-ins are going to be well attended and helpful. They were last November.

My son and his wife came on over the weekend to pick up Sarah for the summer. Although I enjoyed seeing them and getting to hear him preach for the first time on Saturday night, it was also a sad time as I will not see my Sarah for five weeks. I'm sure I'll be fine but already, my day is dimmer and the summer seems a bit less interesting. By the time she returns, school will be starting and I'll only see her as time permits.

I've been doing laundry today as well. I didn't do any over the weekend becasue of company. At this way I'll have all bedding and towels washed before the writing starts and I won't have to worry about it.

I'm still worried about the looming retirement. Things are going to get very tight. But I'm hoping it won't be as bad as my imagination. Things seldom are but it is those outside of seldom that has me worried.

Posts about Camp activity will be on Writing My Life Away so I can keep things straight. Ofen have to remind myself "personal journal", "writing blog", "praise blog" so I can keep it straight. I'd just as soon lump it all together but for some reason, it doesn't work well. Just as well. But this blog thing is out of control. At least I'm writing all manner of stuff.

Going now. I'm going to check on some other forms of employment for September. Don't want to go back to work anywhere until mid September. That gives me time to relax, recover, and recoup.

Be careful outside. It is 92 here and that's just the temp, not the heat index.


Monday, October 14, 2013

A Little Blonde Moment

Saturday I did some cleaning around the house and found an old planner that belonged to Jerry. It was in really great shape and I had planned to use it instead of my old one, although my planner was more expensive, this one was hardly ever used. Instead, I gave it to Sarah. It is just the kind of thing I remember liking as a kid. I wasn't disappointed either. She loved it.

She opened the binder and took out pages and began writing and playing like she was writing a prescription. I believe she wrote one for Tylenol, acetaminophen, and something else. I was impressed.

I left her in the living room and went to the kitchen where I began washing dishes. She called out and said, "Mawmaw, I have to punch holes in this paper so it will go back in."

I told her she didn't have to do that because it had holes already in it. I left the sink to see what she was talking about.

She stood, pushing the page down onto the binder rings to make holes. She said, "They're on the wrong side and I have to to put them back in."

I started laughing and walked over. "Sweetie, you just have to turn the page over and the holes are right there."

She gave a gasp and shook her head, "You should have taken a video of me, Mawmaw."

I lost it then.

Sunday, September 22, 2013

A Busy Saturday

What a busy day I had today. I didn't get up as early as I wanted and so did not get to go walk. However, Sarah and I got up around 9 and we went to Willard Library to explore the "haunted" library. 



Early last week she went on a field trip and her reading buddy told her about the grey lady who is said to haunt the library. Sarah was terrified and went on and on about it. I assured her it was all just a story and not true and that Daddy and Uncle Mike had loved to go to Willard Library when they were small. 

After extensive discussion it was decided that another trip was in order just to prove there were no ghost and I suspect to see if I was brave. 

The trip went well with Sarah showing me around. Never mind I'd made numerous trip years ago. And it does have a lot of charm and lots of creaking wood floors and steps with displays already for Halloween.


 I quite enjoyed revisiting it, but the stairs, despite being wide and a relatively gentle slope, are simply a bit much for bad knees and bifocals. I forgot there was an elevator but after all the whole trip was to experience the extremely creaky floors and stairs. 

After the library we came home. I had a writer's meeting at 2 p.m. I had to get ready for and David was taking Sarah to the park. I left around 1 and picked up lunch to take with me to Washington Square Mall. Today was literacy day and there was a lot going on in the mall. Music, drums, and stories being read on one of the raised platforms that are scattered throughout the cafe court. I never realized they could remove the railing from these to make a kind of stage. 


The meeting was really a lot of fun. DeWayne brought photos this time and we each selected one and wrote a story from it. When I saw my photo I was a bit daunted and wondered what in the world I was going to do with it. It was just too weird. He told us we could select another if we didn't like the one we got but I decided to tough it out and go with it. We wrote for 20 minutes, despite the cacophony of the story telling and music blaring over the  loud speakers. And in the end, my photos was a good choice. I needed the challenge. In fact, I think everyone did a good job. I liked each of them. 


After the meeting, I cruised the remaining booths and got a free children's book from an elderly lady who'd written it. She's self published and she was very sweet. She indicated she had been unable to go the traditional route and had used a local publisher. I know the group she used. We talked about publishing a bit and the pros and cons. She felt traditional publishing was the best way to go. I told her I write because I have to. She was surprised and said she never had that sense that she was supposed to write or had to write. She never told me why she felt like writing several children's books! She was giving away copies of her first one and I read it to Sarah tonight. It was o.k. but I don't think I'd use the local publisher. 


I got home around 4:30 and was suddenly exhausted. I had planned to go walk since I'd missed my morning walk but it didn't happen. I simply found that all my steam was gone and this little engine couldn't. I've sat on the sofa watched movies. I've taken breaks to do laundry. I did a couple of items for the NaNo goodie bags but that's it. 


Now, I'm going to bed. I had planned on doing something else but I see how late it is and won't do that. I've posted the story if you're interested. Running Out of Time



Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Amazing Recovery or Fluke?

Ok, maybe not amazing. I have no idea what has happened. I have felt so good today that I actually went out and put my flower seeds in the flat so they will spout. I may not get to plant them for two weeks but I'm good with that. If I could feel this good every day, life might be bearable.

I came home and prepared supper for me and Dave. Mike came in and so he ate, too. Dave had Sarah this evening so Sarah and I spent the evening in the back yard putting the seed in and even planting marigolds around the post on the patio. She loves planting things. She pick up her first wiggle worm, earth worm to those of you not raised in the South. It was hysterical. She squealed and said, "He's so cute!" Have I mentioned here that I tell her that her nickname is Ellie Mae? For those who don't understand the reference, Google The Beverly Hillbillies.

It was a good evening. I took some photos with my new phone and even a video which, when I save them, automatically uploads them to a G+ album. That is so cool! I have access to all my Google features - email, calendar, G+, photo albums, contact list. Everything! So nice to have. But I hate these honking big phones. I bet before it is over they'll be as big as the first cell phones. I loved my LG flip phone. Did what I wanted and all I had to do was say "Call _____" and it repeated it verbally, then it dialed the number for me. I can say that to this phone and it ASK me in text if that is the number I want, I have to then tap the text and then it dials. So, if I have to use my hands anyway, what good is that feature? And the constant need to recharge! I have always gone a week without recharging my phones. What is that about? Wimpy batteries or power hungry apps that serve no purpose.

Anyway, felt very good today. I actually think my problem may be blood sugar related. I'm going to get a meter this week and start checking it when I have that horrible feeling again. If it isn't blood sugar, I don't know what else it could be.

I go for a massage tomorrow to a therapeutic massage place. Dave working on my back and neck last night really made a difference and I'm so looking forward to the one tomorrow.

I have to start packing for the trip soon. I haven't even begun because I've been so sick I wasn't sure I'd be able to go. I still don't know what will happen between now and Saturday. One day at a time.

Must go now as it is getting late and I am trying to get to bed earlier each evening. Lack of sleep is making things a lot worse. I slept really good last night and hope for the same tonight.




Thursday, March 28, 2013

Long Journey Through a Short Week.

Never was a Thursday so welcome as this one. I am off until Monday. I plan to sleep late tomorrow and then I hope that I have the energy to do some things around the house. I have several things that need doing.

As I suspected, I have a cold. Could be a bit of allergy along with it. I've been coughing up stuff, sneezing up stuff, and my head is stuffy. When that happens, I have dizzy spells. Around and around we go. It never ends, does it.

I want to do some writing. I'm planning to limit my online presence this weekend. We'll have Sarah for three days and with her here and my trying to do constructive things at the same time, it won't leave much of me left to do anything.

There is a streak of vanity in me. I love pretty shoes and wearing heels. I love basic black and that I look good in it. And I find that I like watching my stats click along. I'm about to go over 25,000. I used to not even notice it because ... well it seldom moved. These days it is moving at a fast clip. I've posted about this phenom before. Most are coming from G+ and I've had more new people commenting. I love it when people comment. Means I didn't waste my time. Of course I don't view  my blog as a waste of time. I do it for me and if someone else finds something to like about it, great. Yet, it is a very seductive to watch those stats. They kind of make you hope for more.

It was an insane day at work and I'm exhausted. The  pills have helped ease some of my stress and I hope I won't need them for long. I just wish I could get past the tiredness. I need to do stuff!

Mike is coming over this weekend end and I'm going to try and put up some of the cabinets. I need them and I'm tied of waiting for the "right" time. It is now. I'll take photos. Those of you who have been with me for years will remember other posts of my home improvement jobs and their interesting outcomes. We usually have success but it is a circuitous route to get there.

May you all have a blessed Easter. Remember the reason is not a warm fuzzy bunny but a Savior who loved you enough to give his life for you. Even at your worst, you matter to Him.

Sunday, March 3, 2013

A Crash Course

Finally, I think I've got my computer back online! I really think it was about ready to crash.  It has taken me the better part of two days to restore and re-install all the updates. I still don't have a lot of software back on but it's OK I think. Most of that I can do as needed. If I don't use it, why put it back on here. I'm leary about putting my writing back on it. Yes, I back things up but you know, after awhile you have so many copies you don't know what's what.

I am exhausted and I did nothing but sit and download updates. Why don't they just put them all on a disk so we can buy it every six months and be done with it? Seriously. The disk are about five bucks! And would help the postal service.

I have to say the computer is running much better and the stuff that wasn't working, even after the repair, are now apparently fine. Nasty bugs.

My one complaint is that Avast, my virus software, just released a new version and it totally shut down my system. I nearly had to restore it a second time. I tried it twice and then searched their website. Apparently I'm not the only one having the problem. I kept a check on the site for two days and someone finally posted that they had AMD graphics and that it appeared to be a conflict with the software. They never got a response from tech but I have AMD graphics. So, I'm using MS Security Essentials for the moment. I'm hoping that Avast will recognize the issue and correct it and release a fix. I have used Avast for over 6 years and never had a problem. I don't trust any virus software made by Microsoft and I'm annoyed by the thought I'll have to purchase one with a annual subscription!

I can tell you one thing, I'm going back to my old method of cleaning the slate every 6-12 months. It may be a couple of days out of my life but is still the best way to insure you keep things running smoothly, and I don't care what anyone has to say about it. That's a lot cheaper than the $150 repair bill that didn't fix it completely. Not their fault, really but think about it. I've never had a computer repaired by anyone else in the 25 years in which I've owned one. No, never. And my computers last about 10 years.

Now, I'm going to get ready for bed. I'm really exhausted. Did I say that already? Oh, yes. I did. See, it's true! I'm ready to crash.



Out of Pocket

It is shaping up to be one of those weekends where I'm out of pocket for most of it. We have Sarah here but my laptop is doing things that scare me. So, I'm restoring it to factory settings and starting fresh.

Even before I had to put it in the shop it was acting up and it is getting worse. They tech said I had a root kit that he had a hard time getting rid of so, I'm going to assume the damage is a result of that or that something else was missed. Hey, even he said it was nearly impossible to get out. This means I'm going to just clean the slate.

What that means in terms of other stuff is that I won't be doing it. I've been working on doing some back ups, particularly my writing stuff. My only back up drive has problems of its own so I have to be sure things are actually backed up before I clean anything off.

I lead a crazy life. No one wishes they were me.

The ideas that my lunch with Doug stirred up will have to remain ideas. I've been making notes on a note pad but I really want to try something he suggested in getting the characters organized with who, what and why. I think it will make it much clearer. It did over lunch.

For any who love and adore me, few though you be, email still works on the desktop. You know, I have fewer problems on my desktop than anything else. I used to do all my writing there. And, if truth be told, I did more writing! Perhaps that is the answer. Use the desktop for all writing and only use the laptop when I have to be away from home. I still like being mobile but if it is actually hindering the writing, then I need to rethink it.

May your Saturday be sunny and fun, and your pockets be full.


Sunday, December 2, 2012

Upheavels

Sunday afternoon. I usually have a quiet afternoon with no company but David moved in this weekend. The divorce was final this past week and he had to move out. I spent Saturday afternoon and evening moving  furniture around, switching the study to the smaller room so he'd have a bigger room. The desk is huge and takes two people to disassemble, move, and reassemble. Then I had to reconnect all the electronics: computer, printers, modem, router, phone. I had problems with the internet on the desktop but the laptop worked fine so I don't know what caused it. It took a few hours for it to correct itself. Needless to say, today I'm in a very bad state. I think the weather may be partly responsible. It rained sometime during the night.

It was after midnight before I went to bed. This was because Sarah wanted to go "home". Sarah is with us this weekend as it is his weekend. She goes home tonight. It was difficult because she simply refused to go to bed. Normally, it isn't a problem but she no longer has her own room so it made it hard for her to know what to do. I'm going to have to do some additional shifting. I'm thinking the study will go back to the den/dining room. It was there, once, long ago before both the boys were grown. I liked it then. I'd like it again but I also want to be able to sew back there. At the moment, it looks like a Goodwill collection point. Of course he says he'll be getting his own place in a few months. I don't know. This job is a temp job and he as no idea what he'll do next.

So, this Sunday afternoon has been loud with cartoons, drums, and Sarah running all over asking questions, cooking a birthday lunch for Spot, and just being Sarah. I'm exhausted and in desperate need of a lie down.

David seems more his old self. I didn't really know why David became distant and cool to everyone. I'm still not really clear on what happened. Family members often commented on this fact but I didn't really see it. I do now. It is confusing. I'm not happy with the divorce. I'm glad he's more like my David but to me, divorce is a failure and not something to gloat about. I care very much about my daughter-in-law and I see a little girl who wants to go home to her "family" and can't. Ever. I see two people who got along well, who liked doing the same kind of things. I see a family forever changed. I see the ripples of a stone dropped in the lake.

Oh, I suppose many will say I am over reacting or I'm being overly dramatic about it. You go on. I'm a child of divorce. I never knew my father after the age of five and I have no memories save that of his leaving. I remember that day in high definition. It is always with me, just beneath the surface of other memories. I'm probably the only person left alive who remembers that day. Of course, David isn't going anywhere. Her mother isn't going anywhere. Her parents didn't marry just to insure legitimacy. They loved each other and they adore their child. Children don't know or care about these things. They only know who they love. But the effects of divorce are always there.


Saturday, November 3, 2012

Another Weekend Done Done...

It simply flew by! The whole week simply went by so fast I couldn't even see it, let alone remember it.

I've had a lot going on. I nearly backed out of everything on Wednesday. We had another family crisis and we were just feeling the pressure from it. I had no idea what I was going to write for NaNoWriMo and that was due to start at midnight on Wednesday. When I went to bed that night, well before midnight, I still had nothing.

I went to work on Thursday. I had sent out prayer request to every person I knew who I felt would pray for me and I don't mean just a "God bless Dixie" prayer. I really needed someone to fix this mess I found swirling around me.

Thursday at work a phrase I'd stumbled on the night before in my stress induced haze began to take shape. So I spent breaks building on it and I was pretty happy by the time I got to my write-in that night.

Spending time with other WriMos is always energizing. I have a really great group this year. They're smart and witty and just interesting to be around. There were four of us there and it went well for me.

I felt a bit better and some of the family chaos ended and we've made some decisions on how we're going to handle future issues. David will probably move home soon and try to put his own life back together. I'm sorry for this. I just can't fix other people's problems anymore... I guess I never really could.

So, I'm at the end of day 3 of NaNo and I'm about 800 words from the daily count. It isn't where I want to be but as of today, I really hate the story so I'm in a bit of a pickle. It is hard to write what you hate. Once you've invested 5000 words in something you really do not want to have to start over. And honestly, I like the opening scene of the story. But there's no place to go and that is a bad thing.

Tonight, I've got Sarah spending the night. She's been here all day and that's a nice feeling. She went to the morning write-in and was just so good. The afternoon we had a few runs to make and we spent time watching Scooby Doo videos we bought. At the moment, she's been doing some drawing, writing and watching some dinosaur videos. I've done a bit on the story but I'm basically at a stand still.

I got an email today from someone who told me not long ago I used to be the most optimistic. I emailed back and simply said there is nothing to be optimistic about. To be honest, I have no idea who he's talking about. I don't recall ever being an optimist! I've always been the first one to say that the world is not going to get better. Life is going to get harder. People are going to get worse.

Now I'm going to try and get 800 words so I can put the thing to bed.

Friday, September 14, 2012

Fried Day

Coming up with witty titles is half the battle of getting  a blog written. I like it when I title a post at the beginning and when I finish it still has the same title. More often, however, by the time I finish a post I have a totally different title in mind. Sometimes I leave it blank until I finish so I can save time.

I'm thinking that today's title won't change. That is pretty much how I feel. I've hit the files hard this week and I'm simply exhausted. I still have to go home, clean house, pay bills and pack in time to leave on Sunday morning. It doesn't sound like much but it is. I really should never have hired someone to clean for me, even for a few weeks. Now I hate cleaning house more than ever but I hate clutter and dirty dishes in the sink and laundry in the hamper! 

I've finally got my online writer's group sorted out. We were using Facebook for the group but have moved to Google Groups because of all the features they have on their site and it integrates with all things Google. I spent last evening overhauling the site with one of the members and now I think we're pretty well set. I hope so. I need to do some serious writing.

I've had Sarah in the evening most of this week. She is such a wonderful little girl. We played card games before but last weekend I bought her a Chutes & Ladders game. How many of you remember that? I do!  Anyway, some time ago I taught Sarah a couple of card games, Old Maid and Go Fish. She liked them but hated losing the first time and in fact, refused to play again. We talked about winning and losing and how it was just a game and it wasn't important who won as long as we had fun. The next time she came over she was ok with it. This week I won first on Chutes & Ladders. I squealed "I won!" She crossed her arms and smiled at me and said, "You can have a 5 minute happy dance."  I lost it and laughed, asking her where she heard that. She told me the teacher says it. I did get up and do a happy dance, not 5 minutes though. Then, I had to play a second game. I hope the child doesn't become a gambler. She won't quit until she wins a game.

I'm going to go home, get things cleaned up a bit and relax.. alone for the evening. My vacation starts on Sunday and I'm so looking forward to a week in the mountains. I haven't been to Gatlinburg but I have been to Highlands, SC and that area. I loved it. And when we moved here we came through the Smokies. I've always wanted to go back. Jerry and I  planned a couple of times to go to that area for a vacation but it just never worked our where we could go. There was just never enough money for long trips. We settled for things closer to home. I really just want some peace and quiet and to read and do nothing. 


Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Sarah Said....

"Mamaw," she said in a tiny voice as she pointed at a spot on her chin. "My jaw hurts. Right here."

I looked. "Where?"

She rubbed her jaw. "Right here." Then she shot me a look. "It isn't because I'm talking too much!"

Two Mondays a Week

I feel like I'm chasing my tail. If I had a tail. Today is, of course, Tuesday... after Labor Day which, in my view, makes this Monday. It has been Monday all day long. 

My day started off at a run. I'm going on vacation on the 16th and will be out of my office for a week. So, that means I have to really get ahead in my caseload. Since I am already behind by about two weeks, this is not good. I have really hit it hard today, doing about 12 files of data entry. This is actually excellent. Generally, I can get 10 at the most done in a day. So, two more is a good thing. But not enough. I have nearly 20 more.

This is no way to start a week. The last week was fairly rotten in the first place. I was sick and family crises fell like hailstones. To start another week, a new month in fact, even worse is just frustrating. 

It feels as if my life is imploding. That's different from an explosion. It means to collapse inward from external pressures or to break down or fall apart from within. I can't find a much better description. I don't want to go into it here on this blog at this point. Someone pointed out that I'd once again have to go  through a form of grief. I don't want to do that anymore. Ever. I am so stressed at the moment that I can feel it in my chest. No, not actually pain. Just that heaviness you get when things are at their worst and you know you can't fix it. Fear sort of just gnaws at you bit by bit. You get tired.

I am tired. Of a life that seems filled with every dream and hope that I ever held shattered at my feet and then I am forced to walk across the razor sharp shards to some nebulous end. There is not pot of gold. There's not even a rainbow.  There will be those who say I overreact. Maybe I do. You need to walk very quietly from the room. Don't come back until I call you. Don't hold your breath. 

Monday I went to the Urgent care for a bug bite. Silly old thing that I am, I had a mosquito bite on my thumb but then there was some other bite on my leg, above my ankle. It happened in the car. Mike and I were taking Sarah home around five. She'd been to the Labor Day picnic with us but I was tired. I suppose the bug got in when I did. I got stressed because the mosquitoes here are infested with West Nile virus. I'm been so careful going out and taking Sarah out. But I only went from inside the house to inside the car. I shouldn't have to shower in Off. But I got bit.

The one on my thumb looked like a normal mosquito bite. The one on my leg didn't. It didn't get the red raised mound of a normal mosquito bite. It got very red and made a rectangular mark that grew to about the size of the end of my pinky from the join to the tip. It stung, not as bad as a bee sting but sort of like it feels when you stick a hot match to your skin. I had a terrible meltdown. There was no one to really care about it. No one to hold my hand, talk me down to a sane frame of mind. I called a couple of people. They have lives of their own. They moved on. 

Of course no one was as concerned as I. I don't know what I expected. I was terrified. Yeah, I know I nuts. You're late. The mark just got redder and redder and seem to spread over the course two hours. I finally decided to go to the urgent care. I called and ask David to go with me. Jerry would have gone with me if he'd been here. Mike would have gone if I'd called him but he doesn't handle my stress well anymore. Who am I kidding... I don't handle it well anymore. He's just not equipped for it, although he tries valiantly. More so than anyone else. 

Anyway, Dave went with me. I melted down in the car. He actually handled it pretty well. I really  needed Jerry to be there. Really, really, really. I got Dave to drive. I sat in the waiting room two hours and the mark faded away. Once they called me back I felt stupid but I have to say they didn't treat me that way. The were very kind and understanding and the doctor, when I saw him told me he was going to take notes on what had happened and if something changed I was to call. He said there were things they could tell me on the phone to do so I wouldn't have to come back in. I dropped David home and came home alone. 

It is an eternal irony that I don't want to live with people but I do not want to be alone. I am not able to resolve the paradox. 




Sunday, April 22, 2012

A Positive Outlook

I overslept. I sat up too late, as usual when I'm more or less a slug. I sat around and did nothing yesterday. Only left the house to go eat and came right back to my chair. I read off an on but mostly just wasted time. It annoys me. It is as if my mind belongs to someone else and they've taken my body hostage.

Sarah came over late and watched t.v. while I just sat. She did cut up with me a bit but mostly we both were slugs. Well, she's only 5 so it is a bit unusual for her.

Today it is cold and I'm stiff and achy. So, when the clock went off, I didn't respond very well. And now I'm feeling very guilty about it.

Because... I don't want to be this way. I want to jump out of bed, awake, feeling good, and be out and doing something that means something. I don't want to have no energy, stamina, and interest.

It is just one of those weekends where I've given hours of my life away. I know part of it is the weather but I keep feeling like it is my fault. I should just get up and move. Then, my body informs me that it simply doesn't like what I'm asking. Today, my hands and feet are bothering me but it is mostly just this tired. I was doing well most of the week. Beginning to get to bed earlier and get more, not better, sleep. I could tell it was working. I blew it the last two nights. I simply have so little time when I can do my own thing, a weekend is not enough, and so I sit up too late. Just like I did for years. Before I was given this fibro curse.

I am going to get dressed. I am going to get lunch. I am going to read something besides blogs. Maybe doing it will give me a more positive outlook.

If I can just get up.