Showing posts with label Christmas. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Christmas. Show all posts

Thursday, January 4, 2024

The 2024 Roller Coaster Ride Now Open

Pixabay
Here we are, four days into the new year. I had a lovely Christmas holiday with my sons, Mike and David, my granddaughter Sarah, Mike's girlfriend, Amanda. And I even got some lovely gifts from everyone. We had a delicious dinner, cooked mostly by Amanda, with a bit of help from me. 

New Year's Day we watch the Alabama playoff game. They lost, but they played a good game, except for the guy snapping the ball. McLaughlin was definitely not on his game. All season, he snapped the ball just fine. Suddenly he's all thumbs.

The past four days have just been hectic with trying to get things organized for more people in the house. On the 15th Amanda is moving in for a while. She's wanting to buy, so to avoid getting into a new lease, she'll stay here until she finds what she wants. David is here for a bit, not sure how long, but it is really pleasant to spend some time with him. He's working on his last five college classes. I'm very proud of the way he's pushed to do this. He really messed up highschool but went back in his 30s and now he's nearly finished with his college bachelor's degree. 

Sarah and I are just enjoying being silly with each other. She's still the funniest kid I know. Of course, she's having a bit of a struggle to get back into my routines and rules, but she's coping rather well. We're going to get her state ID this week and then get started on her GED. She didn't want to go back to public school and as a graduate of a correspondent school; I agree it is a good idea. So we'll be tutoring and getting to GED classes.

I'm trying to get my routine back on track. When disruptions happen, it just throws me off for a while. Beginning in early to mid October, I was sick for a couple of months, had my car break down twice, had electrical repairs, an empty freezer, and other unforeseen expenses from October to December. Life keeps kicking me. 

BUT ---

I am blessed. I said, I AM BLESSED! I don't care what my brain says. I don't care what the devil says. I am blessed beyond measure. I'm broke, seriously broke, but I'm blessed. 

May you all have a wonderful New Year. I know the 1st is passed, but may the rest of 2024 be filled with gladness, joy, and spiritual blessing beyond your wildest imaginings. God is good. God reigns supreme. And he is faithful.

 


Thursday, January 5, 2023

First Post of 2023! Happy New Year!


 And here we are! A new year, 2023! My 2022 ended on a pleasant note. 

For months I've been battling a deadly fatigue. In November, on a return trip from Ohio to visit my son and family, I fell asleep at the wheel. I woke before disaster struck, but it terrified me. I didn't understand why I was so tired. On my trip there, I was so sleepyI could hardly stay awake but thought it was my allergy pill. It wasn't.

I kept thinking the sleepiness problem resulted from a new medication my doctor gave me and so kept moving meds around trying to find a solution. Nothing worked. When I say I was sleepy, I was falling asleep on my feet on some days. More than once I've had to tell my son, Mike, that I had to go to bed immediately and left the room. Once in bed, I pass out. So, after falling asleep at the wheel, I contacted my doctor. 

As of December, I knew I'd be going back to Ohio for a week and had to get to the bottom of it. I contacted my sleep apnea doctor, and they told me my "numbers" showed that my mask was leaking badly and since they recalled it, I needed to come in and get fitted for a new sleep mask. 

I did. After three days, I was no longer getting sleepy and was more alert. A trip to my Primary care doctors days later and she restructured my medication doses to night. Within a week, I felt amazing and could do things I could not do for months because I couldn't stay awake. I could even write the narrative for my church's Christmas program and record it so they could play it in the program. I couldn't believe the change.

December 26, I drove to Columbus, Ohio to spend a week there with Sarah, my granddaughter. We had a wonderful time visiting thrift stores, eating out, going to a movie and visiting the Conservatory there. She is amazing and such fun. It was like old times, when she lived with me. I didn't get to spend as much time with the rest of the family because they were in Florida on a vacation. (It's a long story, but Sarah was supposed to be somewhere else and it fell through and couldn't be added to the trip at the last minute. I was "babysitting".) 

When I drove home this past Tuesday, I left at 5 a.m. and the weather was horrendous. Pitch black and pouring rain. Traffic was difficult, but since it wasn't rush hour, not too bad. My biggest problem occurred because the lines on the highway were so worn I couldn't see them in the storm. Terrifying since there are no street lights on highways anymore. However, I took my time driving 60 mph. When I got to Cincinnati, traffic had worsened, but the rain was getting better and the sky lighter. I pulled off for breakfast around 7:30, just past Cincy. 

My next stop was about 80 miles from home. I stopped at Loves Truck Stop for a break and to get a drink. After that, I didn't stop again until I parked in my garage. It was around noon. 

The rest of this week has been a slower pace. I've cleaned a little each day. While I was away, Mike came and babysat my cats. I have three, in case you didn't know. He did a good job of keeping things tidy. However, dust and cat hair still rule when I'm not here. So, I've been cleaning one room at a time and washing rugs and vacuuming floors. Tomorrow, the living room and my bedroom are the last I have to do. 

So, here we are. A new year. I pray it will be a good one, but I hold little hope for the world. I trust in God to see me through. May He watch over you as well. 





Wednesday, December 26, 2018

Ten Holidays

So, another Christmas done. I'm not sorry. I was blessed to have Becca, Sarah, and Madilyn with me and my sister came by for Christmas dinner. It was such fun watching Madi get so excited over the tree and presents. Sarah, of course, is an old hand at all that stuff and getting her excited is a lot harder. Of course, she had fewer gifts this year but she did get things she asked for and so I think she was fine with it.

Becca brought Madi over on the 23rd to stay until the 26th and we decided we'd get Madi's presents wrapped and under the tree after she went to bed. Sarah's were already there when they arrived.

Madi kept asking me where her presents were and I told her they'd be here "tomorrow", on Christmas Eve. I felt so sad because it was evident that this 3 yr old could understand that something was off with the presents. But she trusts me so she didn't really make a fuss.

Christmas Eve, when I came down the hall to the living room, Madi met me grinning and grabbed my hand. "Mawmaw, Santa brought me and you presents last night! Come and see!" I thought it was sweet she thought I was included in those presents. I wasn't but it wasn't about me anyway. She was vibrating with excitement and the rest of the day we struggled to keep her from opening them all. We showed her her name on them and spelled it out for her. She knew exactly which ones were hers. We did let her open two hoping to appease her but by sunset, we were done and we opened them.

Both girls seemed to enjoy their gifts. Sarah got her ITunes gift cards and bluetooth headset and books. Madi got the kind of things 3 yr olds get: PlayDoh, colors and coloring books, and baby doll stuff.

The girls went home tonight. Sarah to spend a few days with her mom before going back to school. I am home alone. As I took the photo of the tree, I thought of all the Christmases I've had alone since Jerry died. There have been 10 Thanksgivings, 10 Christmases, 10 New Years, 10 anniversaries, 10 Valentine's Days. Oh, some family have been here for the day here and there but always, at the end of the celebration, I sit in front of the tree and try to find a glimmer of something that feels like a holiday. Eventually, I think of all the Christmases that may lie ahead and well, we'll leave it there.

I'm not wallowing in pity. I had my annual grief cry today and visited Jerry at the cemetery. I stayed a long time and just sat in the car and listened to a podcast as I watched the grave stones in the VA cemetery. Some had wreaths, some had flowers and some had nothing. There were a few new graves. Jerry needs new flowers and I promised to bring them this week.  I don't know if it matters, actually, but it does to me.

It made me sad to see the forgotten ones. Once I wondered who'd put flowers on my grave regularly and realized that I'm the end. There will be no one left here for that. Well, if that ain't the story of my life. Of course, there won't be anyone to put them on his either. That's bothers me.









Friday, December 20, 2013

Christmas Lost

I don't know why this was never posted. I wrote it five days before the holiday. Maybe I thought it was too depressing. That's never been a problem for me. Maybe I didn't want to be a whiner this year. Or maybe I didn't care even about this. But whatever, I'm not trashing it. So, months later, here it is in all is dark glory.

I looked around my house today and realized there wasn't a single sign of Christmas. Nothing. Not one decoration, no tree, no garlands, no lights. Not a sign that there is a holiday anywhere in sight, unless you count the wrapping paper from last year in the closet or the Christmas cards on the back of my front door from the family and the four or five actual friends. I hadn't realized that was a tradition until Sarah mentioned it the other night. "Mawmaw, you have your cards up on the door. You do that every year." She's only seven and for her, they've always been there. There are fewer cards each year. I can remember when it was covered top to bottom. I doubt she'll notice they are fewer since Jerry died. Haven't quite got a reasonable explanation so it is probably good they just are tapering off.

I have scads of Christmas music and considered putting it on the other night but decided on something with no holiday theme. I haven't made one trip to the store to shop. I haven't bought one gift for anyone but Sarah and I told Mike what to get and it is in my trunk. I'll send him for gift cards or get them myself this weekend. David won't be home for Christmas and I'll have to get their's then.

Yes, I know it is five days until Christmas. I really don't care. Each year I've delayed putting up anything until the day before. Last year I decorated on Dec 24th and took it down a day or so later. This year, I suspect, I won't do it at all. I considered buying a new tree but it'd be a waste of money. Mine is 25 years old. Everyone says I should toss it. I figure it will last as long as I do and then they can do what they like.

It is supposed to be a season of joy and celebration. I'll be glad to have my son home for Saturday and Sunday.  Sarah will leave for three weeks to be with him. So, Christmas Day I will get up at some point in the day and spend it sitting in a chair staring out the front window at a warm, sunny day or an overcast cold one. I'll do it alone. I have no desire to cook a holiday meal for one. I'll buy myself something just so I can answer the questions people ask when you come back to work. I've been trying to figure out what to buy. I bought tires for my car so could just go with that. That's hard because the things I want are impossible to obtain.

I remember decorating the tree with Mama when I was Sarah's age. I remember how much fun it was and how exciting to see presents from people and to open them. I remember how the stores smelled wonderful and since we had a live tree, the house did, too. The only people who ever bought me presents was my aunt and uncle and my sister. Jerry always waited until the 24th then ran out to try and find a gift and couldn't. So I usually ended up with gloves, a robe, or a gift card if any thing. No, he didn't buy me gifts, or rarely, not even birthday gifts. Really. I finally started buying my own and putting them under the tree. I remember how disappointed I was when I realized he wasn't going to be that person. Anyway, I feel none of that and wonder if something is wrong. I don't think so. I think I've reached a place where there isn't much to celebrate. Every day is pretty much like the one before, determined by pain levels. If they're fairly low, I can function and actually do something, like laundry or cleaning the bathroom. I might get the last two weeks laundry put away while I wash this week's. If they're not, I have to figure out how to get through one more night and hope that tomorrow it hurts less.

And then there is this sense of vacancy. There is this huge, yawning, black hole that appears on the horizon in November. No light escapes it and everything is sucked into it. NaNo keeps it at bay but ultimately, in December it begins its ascent. It will reach zenith sometime around January 29 and begin to slid into the abyss by the end of February. The days will be long and blacker than the backside of hell.

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Reaching The Pinnacle

Tuesday, second day of the work week when we look with relish at a past Monday and longing toward an approaching weekend. I basically envision myself climbing this steep cliff, hands bloodied, nails broken, gasping for breath and stretching to grasp the pinnacle of Wednesday and drag myself over the top so I can roll down the gentle, grassy slope to Friday evening.

I'm contemplating how on earth I can skip Wednesday and just get right to that slope.

Whatever. Week is not half done but I am.

I noticed the ticker at the bottom says I've topped 20,000. What? No trumpets? No parade? No ticker tape? No balloons, streamers, or cheers? Well.

Still, I like seeing stats. One thing I noticed right away was that my post from 2008 "A Little Bit of Gun History" had hits. This may seem random but if it does you live in a cave. I actually didn't remember writing it and had to do read it. I found it interesting but then questioned my sources. Really.

It has been a horrendous week for the people of Connecticut. And probably for most of the nation. I've avoided all news but a minimum number of articles reporting it. I'm not watching videos, tributes, and reading interviews with survivors. I have a six year old grand-daughter. I can't be dragged into the hell these parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and siblings are living. I simply can't. I see a shinning, smiling face with sparkling eyes of a bubbling little girl that holds my heart in her hands. I am totally incapable of dealing with this horror because her face is superimposed at every mention of this horrible disaster. The promise of Christmas has been obliterated for the survivors and there is no fixing it. I can only pray for them, pray for us all.

I still have no tree up. No decorations, either. I moved things around over the weekend with the help of my sons. We put the freezer in the garage. I am amazed at how much of a relief that was! I need it but it is such a nuisance to have in the house. I still have to clean out a closet for David. I'm planning on doing that this week. Unfortunately, the events of the weekend left me almost completely unable to move on Sunday. I pushed hard Thursday through Saturday to get this done, not stopping for much of anything. The price was pain that is not on any scale. I could barely walk at all Sunday and movement of any kind was misery. 

I bought stuff for our Christmas dinner. Thankfully, I have the weekend to prepare so it shouldn't be such a rush. I have to put up any decorations soon or I might as well not bother.

May I be perfectly honest? I really, really, really do not like holidays anymore. Truly. Even though I enjoy Sarah's excitement and pleasure I truly find them unbearably painful and tedious. I don't have anything to celebrate. I'm thankful for my family and my home and my job every day of the year but the memories I have of holidays are all bad and getting through November to February is just very hard.  

We don't even bother much with gifts anymore. I mean, I usually give the boys their gift in the form of money weeks before the holiday, at their request. They buy what they want. No one but my aunt generally buys me anything, maybe my sister who lives here, but other than that, I don't unwrap a thing. There is no one special for me to buy for but Sarah and I do that all the time anyway. So, in essence I'm putting myself through a grinder for nothing. It is very disheartening when all the things that sparkled and shone in your life is pretty much tarnished and rusted out and you no longer feel important to anyone. 

And with that, I'll stop. I have an hour to get my work done. It isn't enough. But tomorrow I will reach that pinnacle, Wednesday. I'll bandage the hands and drift down the hill... one hopes, to the weekend when I'll be off four days, work one and be off another four days. For that, I am truly thankful.