Showing posts with label grace. Show all posts
Showing posts with label grace. Show all posts

Thursday, January 5, 2023

First Post of 2023! Happy New Year!


 And here we are! A new year, 2023! My 2022 ended on a pleasant note. 

For months I've been battling a deadly fatigue. In November, on a return trip from Ohio to visit my son and family, I fell asleep at the wheel. I woke before disaster struck, but it terrified me. I didn't understand why I was so tired. On my trip there, I was so sleepyI could hardly stay awake but thought it was my allergy pill. It wasn't.

I kept thinking the sleepiness problem resulted from a new medication my doctor gave me and so kept moving meds around trying to find a solution. Nothing worked. When I say I was sleepy, I was falling asleep on my feet on some days. More than once I've had to tell my son, Mike, that I had to go to bed immediately and left the room. Once in bed, I pass out. So, after falling asleep at the wheel, I contacted my doctor. 

As of December, I knew I'd be going back to Ohio for a week and had to get to the bottom of it. I contacted my sleep apnea doctor, and they told me my "numbers" showed that my mask was leaking badly and since they recalled it, I needed to come in and get fitted for a new sleep mask. 

I did. After three days, I was no longer getting sleepy and was more alert. A trip to my Primary care doctors days later and she restructured my medication doses to night. Within a week, I felt amazing and could do things I could not do for months because I couldn't stay awake. I could even write the narrative for my church's Christmas program and record it so they could play it in the program. I couldn't believe the change.

December 26, I drove to Columbus, Ohio to spend a week there with Sarah, my granddaughter. We had a wonderful time visiting thrift stores, eating out, going to a movie and visiting the Conservatory there. She is amazing and such fun. It was like old times, when she lived with me. I didn't get to spend as much time with the rest of the family because they were in Florida on a vacation. (It's a long story, but Sarah was supposed to be somewhere else and it fell through and couldn't be added to the trip at the last minute. I was "babysitting".) 

When I drove home this past Tuesday, I left at 5 a.m. and the weather was horrendous. Pitch black and pouring rain. Traffic was difficult, but since it wasn't rush hour, not too bad. My biggest problem occurred because the lines on the highway were so worn I couldn't see them in the storm. Terrifying since there are no street lights on highways anymore. However, I took my time driving 60 mph. When I got to Cincinnati, traffic had worsened, but the rain was getting better and the sky lighter. I pulled off for breakfast around 7:30, just past Cincy. 

My next stop was about 80 miles from home. I stopped at Loves Truck Stop for a break and to get a drink. After that, I didn't stop again until I parked in my garage. It was around noon. 

The rest of this week has been a slower pace. I've cleaned a little each day. While I was away, Mike came and babysat my cats. I have three, in case you didn't know. He did a good job of keeping things tidy. However, dust and cat hair still rule when I'm not here. So, I've been cleaning one room at a time and washing rugs and vacuuming floors. Tomorrow, the living room and my bedroom are the last I have to do. 

So, here we are. A new year. I pray it will be a good one, but I hold little hope for the world. I trust in God to see me through. May He watch over you as well. 





Friday, April 4, 2014

The Age of Grace

I was reading a post by my writing buddy, A Writer Called Wanda about the aging process. She told a story about aging gracefully and it reminded me of my great aunts and my grandmother. 

I grew up surrounded by these wonderful women who I just thought were all beautiful, genteel, dignified Southern ladies. They knew how to dress and they spoke so sweetly and seemed so content and did things. They were great fun to be around and they all laughed a lot, lovely lady-like laughs but genuine laughter all the same. I just loved to see them and I wanted to be like them when I got old. 

I'm there and I've come to realize that maybe I did them a disservice. They made it look so easy and I thought it would be. I've started to think I did something wrong. It isn't easy. I'm grumpy and intolerant and annoyed by people. 

I know their life stories but didn't think about the issues they might have dealt with when I was young as being issues. I do now. In hindsight, which is always crystal clear, they had to deal with the same kind of problems I deal with - illnesses, children, jobs, spouses, war, death - and yet they seemed to be so ... together. So, I'm now asking, how did they do it?  And how do I come out at the end with the same dignity they had despite the problems they had to deal with? I am nothing like those wonderful ladies and it upsets me because they were the ideal. My ideal. 

I think the difference is in our expectations. Their whole outlook on life and what it was all about was totally different from this generation. They lived through the depression and scarcity. Through struggles I've never and will never experience when they were young. The world was different and people's brains were wired differently. They lived a different lifestyle. There was no handouts. It was do or die. So they did. They became strong and courageous women capable of building airplanes or spending hours in sewing plants making shirts or hoeing in fields to grow their own food. As they grew older they knew that aging is inevitable, but aging with grace and style is a choice. 

 I'm a wimp. I had superheros for aunts. 

Saturday, February 18, 2012

An Attitude of Gratitude


I've been reflecting on how thankful I am. I do that once in awhile and this week it has been borne in on me how very vital it is to live your life with a sense of gratitude, no matter how bad it gets. It is really difficult.

Even before Jerry died I had decided I wanted to be more thankful and to try and keep that attitude of gratitude, even in bad times. Things were very bad back then. For years we'd been struggling with money problems, lost jobs, and his steadily growing illness. He was losing money and couldn't remember where it went. By the time we realized he was giving it away, we were overdrawn three months to the tune of $3000. Our children were having terrible problems with jobs and marriages. And I had become sick from the stresses of my job and dealing with crisis after crisis at home. Gratitude is not easy in these situations. It is nearly impossible.

I'm not the nicest person in the world and when things get bad, I get nasty. I complain, whine, moan, groan, and rant. I get angry. I get angry at the situation, at the circumstances that created it, at the people around me who don't seem to think it is a big deal, at the people who I perceive as causing the problem, at me for being in the mess, and at God for not fixing it "right this second". Mostly, I get mad at me for behaving like an ungrateful idiot. I hate me when I'm in a pickle.

It took years and my husband's illness and actual death for me to realize what I was doing wrong. It is probably the worst tragedy of his death. I learned too late to make a difference in our life together. Only now do I make a concerted effort to put into practice an attitude of gratitude. It really isn't easy.

I learned that how I approach my problems determines how it affects me. How I approach a problem doesn't fix the problem. It fixes me. And I'm the one who needs the help. I can run up on the problem, jump on it and flail around screaming and crying about it, and trying to pound it into a bloody pulp. When I'm exhausted by my actions, I will collapse in a sobbing heap. The problem will be sitting right where I left it, unmarred, unchanged, and just as large as when I began my tirade.

So, I decided one day to approach my problems differently. You see, I have rheumatoid and osteoarthritis. I have fibromyalgia. My sleep is affected and I never sleep more than six hours. I suffer from pain constantly, particularly in my neck and shoulders and down my right leg. There is nothing they can do for me and I refuse narcotic pain medicine. I hurt so bad I can hardly get up in the mornings. I sit up and the first thing I say is, "Thank you, God for letting me have another day of life." I get dressed in pain. I can't turn my head in any direction without pain. It takes hours for it to abate, if it abates, enough to allow me to work. It hurts to raise my arm and hold my head in certain angles while combing my hair, brushing my teeth or simply trying to look into my eye to get an eyelash out. So, I no longer put my hair up except for extremely special events. I lost so much hair when Jerry died that it became hard to do anything with anyway. So I comb my hair and say, "Thank you for my hair that has grown back. Please make it all grow back."

Many mornings I've spent crying because I am hurting so bad and I simply don't want to go to work. Even before Jerry died I'd cry all the way to work. I don't want to deal with the insanity of my job - the politics, the back stabbing and sniping. I don't want to work. But there is no choice for me, no one to support me or care for me. I can't live on a $700 a month disability check that I'd get if I could even get it. So, I drive the 15 minute trip saying, "Thank you for my job. Bless my boss and my coworkers. Let me spread peace in my workplace. Help me to do a good job and to spread peace to my clients. Let peace follow in my wake."

I work through the day usually in pain. I'm on the phone a lot and holding a phone for more than a few minutes can become agony. I use the speaker as much as possible. All my phones have a speaker feature and I use them. I make as few calls as possible because even with the speaker, my neck becomes terribly painful. If I'm really stressed and can't take anymore I go to the private restroom or the archive file room or I close my office door. I sit down and say "Thank you for this job and letting me be able to take care of myself."

When I get home I'm exhausted and pain escalates when I'm tired. I have to get the hottest shower I can in order to help the pain in my neck and shoulder and leg. I spend several minutes in my shower under the hottest water I can stand and I say, very loudly, "Thank you God for hot water." Yes, seriously. I say it over and over and over because without that hot water, I wouldn't get through the night.

I do all of this virtually every day. And you know what? Not one single thing is better! Nothing. My life has not changed one little bit by any of this. I still hurt. I still have mobility problems. I still find days I really hate going to work. I get stressed by the job. I'm still exhausted. My husband is still dead and I'm more alone than I have ever been. Nothing has changed. Except me.

Over time I realized that I am so thankful for God and His provision, despite my miserable days and more miserable nights when I don't sleep. I'm so very thankful for life, for another stinking pain-filled day. I still find moments when I complain and when the pity party attacks me full force. I scream at the ceiling that it was unfair for God to allow all this to befall me. I couldn't have possibly done anything so bad as to deserve all this. Why, I deserved better! There was a time I knew nothing else but my misery.

Now, I'm aware of how I sound and I hate it. I'm reminded of all that has happened and just how much worse it could be. I'm horrified at my stupidity and seared by my ingratitude. I'm ashamed and all I can do is cry out to God. "Lord, I'm sorry. I am so thankful for everything you have done for me. I don't deserve any of it but I am so very thankful for it."

Most of us aren't very grateful or thankful when times are hard. But really, that's when we have to be the most thankful. To live a life of ingratitude is such a waste of time, for both God and the ingrate. I don't care how bad it seems, I learned the hard way that it can get worse. Despite what you think your world can be shaken, turned upside down, and poured out like an insane puzzle whose pieces are all the same color. It takes years to put it back together. If you spend that time complaining all the time with no time for gratitude, you will only become smaller, meaner, and more selfish. . . and so very miserable. You will never be able to escape because your attitude will anchor you to the same spot forever.

The reality is that no matter how dark it has been or becomes all that He has done far outweighs the bad. God has been good no matter how rotten life has been.

I'm so very, very thankful for the grace and mercy of God.